Young BFs in the Military

[Miffy]

OP: You cannot save your daughter from possible heartbreak, no matter what you tell her or don't tell her. I wish you could, but it's impossible. Your daughter has probably had many friends who've broken up with their BFs and has certainly seen loads of TV shows and movies where this happens. So she's no doubt aware of the possibilities without your saying anything at all.

You might tell her this, though, if it sounds genuine coming from you: That everything works out for the best even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

 

[DISNEY1975]

There’s nothing wrong with that, where we live I believe 30 is the average age for marriage. The majority get at least a 4 year degree before even thinking about marriage. I was one of the first in our circle to get married at 28.

Same here. We may be from the same place!!

You might tell her this, though, if it sounds genuine coming from you: That everything works out for the best even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

Thanks you. These are wise words.

 

[indimom]

Why are these types of relationships always considered a disaster? I don't get why you HAVE to be physically close to date without catastrophe. DH and I started dating when he was in the military and I was in college. We wrote letters (yes, we're old), talked on the phone, and dated whenever we could be together. Honestly, only one person thought they "knew better" than myself and tried to tell me how to live my life. Luckily, my family trusted my judgement; and, so did his. We've been happily married 25 years. Even if it hadn't worked out, what was the big deal if I had dated him for a year or two and it fizzled out? Isn't that how most relationships work, close or distant?
OP, I'd let it ride and just make yourself available if support is needed or requested.

 

[disykat]

Nope, today starts 7 of 15 week into bootcamp, then straight to SOI. He may get a call at some point, but she made it clear to him to call his mother and not her. He has been writing to her every 10-ish days. She writes daily.

She sounds smart, realizing he should call his mom first at this point in their lives. She is keeping her head on straight.

As much as we want things for our kids, they are eventually going to become adults and make their own way. As a parent, you get to have pretty good control until they turn 18, or until they graduate from high school, or until they are financially independent. However, at some point they are going to be ready (whether you want them to or not) to start making ALL of their decisions on their own. You can only pray that they have learned well.

I don't envy parents, parenting during COVID. (My kids are 25 and 28 so they are on their own but my memories of the transition to adulthood are fresh!) The fact that she is home, dealing with COVID instead of experiencing her senior year, adds another level to her story right as she transitions to adulthood.

 

[MrsPete]

Let things take their natural course:

- If she wants to talk about missing him, listen and be sympathetic.
- You, the adult, know that this relationship probably will end, and -- if so -- it will happen naturally. If you push one way or the other, she will be resentful.
- She may get her heart broken, but it'll be a learning experience. Likely it won't be her last heartbreak.
- Emphasize her own future plans -- emphasize that he is away "making something of himself" /training for the future he wants. This is a good thing for him. It's age-appropriate for her to do the same thing. Is she interested in military too? College? Other career training? She needs to focus on those things.
- The only thing that I'd "put my foot down on" would be her marrying him /leaving home sooner than is good for her. If it comes to that, emphasize that it's smart to finish her education /be fully qualified for a career (not just a job) before she takes that step towards permanent independence.

 

[DLgal]

I always find these kinds of posts amusing. Clearly the military is the devil and OP is just convinced that the relationship could never possibly work.

More likely, OP doesn't want it to, because then "the military" might take away her child when she marries this guy and inevitably moves away from home. Then she can't control her life anymore.

I met my husband in college at 19. He was in ROTC for the USMC. He had enlisted at age 17 and did boot camp and then a year as a reservist while he attended college, before getting the ROTC scholarship. Enlisting at 18 doesn't take college off the table. My husband got his degree and then had to pay back the scholarship with 3 years of active duty service. We got engaged right after our graduation and got married 4 months later in a courthouse in order to start collecting benefits. We just celebrated 20 years in October. He has been a wonderful provider, husband, and father, and has been steadfastly loyal to me our entire 23 years together. He is still currently serving as a Lt. Colonel.

If this young man is a good, smart person, why wouldn't you want your daughter to end up with him. Upon completion of boot camp, he will have a paying job with amazing benefits and will have gained the discipline and code of ethics that sets Marines apart from the other servicemembers. Plus, due to Covid, he won't be out every weekend at local bars being hunted by young women who are looking for a way out of their miserable lives. Those are all shut down. So, win win! LOL.

From what OP says, this guy is quiet, shy, and a good friend to her daughter. He won't be irreversibly corrupted by the Marine Corps. People like him keep their heads down and focus and often end up performing at the top of their classes in boot camp.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Growth-wise she needs to navigate this on her own with just the supportive parent there when/if she wants to talk about it without being guided through it on a specific path not of her own. She's just as much able to change as he is and learning to navigate relationships, especially ones with obstacles in the way, is an important part of maturity.

I don't even think the military is the main part. If she were dating a person who simply went off to college away from her while she was still in high school (or went off to college away as well) it would be the same. The military can exacerbate things sure but there's no need to act like being in the military means doom and gloom.

As for marriage young well there's getting married and getting married with family approval. She can choose to do what she wants when she's no longer considered a minor, you may just not approve.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I always find these kinds of posts amusing. Clearly the military is the devil and OP is just convinced that the relationship could never possibly work.

More likely, OP doesn't want it to, because then "the military" might take away her child when she marries this guy and inevitably moves away from home.

I think it's okay to discuss the difficulties that may present itself but I'm not going to lie some of the comments make me think back when people said you can't marry someone (insert race, ethnic origin, religion) because of whatever. I know that's not what people were meaning but it's what I immediately thought of.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I would stay back let things take it's own course. In your mind the relationship is already over, but if it is indeed over I think it would be best for the daughter to come to that conclusion on her own. I hope they can make it work but if it doesn't her being able to go through this without being told "I told you so" or "here's all the reasons why it won't work out" (just giving examples) might be really important for any future relationships she has.

 

[mjkacmom]

I always find these kinds of posts amusing. Clearly the military is the devil and OP is just convinced that the relationship could never possibly work.

More likely, OP doesn't want it to, because then "the military" might take away her child when she marries this guy and inevitably moves away from home. Then she can't control her life anymore.

I met my husband in college at 19. He was in ROTC for the USMC. He had enlisted at age 17 and did boot camp and then a year as a reservist while he attended college, before getting the ROTC scholarship. Enlisting at 18 doesn't take college off the table. My husband got his degree and then had to pay back the scholarship with 3 years of active duty service. We got engaged right after our graduation and got married 4 months later in a courthouse in order to start collecting benefits. We just celebrated 20 years in October. He has been a wonderful provider, husband, and father, and has been steadfastly loyal to me our entire 23 years together. He is still currently serving as a Lt. Colonel.

If this young man is a good, smart person, why wouldn't you want your daughter to end up with him. Upon completion of boot camp, he will have a paying job with amazing benefits and will have gained the discipline and code of ethics that sets Marines apart from the other servicemembers. Plus, due to Covid, he won't be out every weekend at local bars being hunted by young women who are looking for a way out of their miserable lives. Those are all shut down. So, win win! LOL.

From what OP says, this guy is quiet, shy, and a good friend to her daughter. He won't be irreversibly corrupted by the Marine Corps. People like him keep their heads down and focus and often end up performing at the top of their classes in boot camp.

I wouldn’t want my child to marry that young, my mom married at 22, had me at 23, was married almost 50 years before her death, strongly advised my sister and I to wait, we did. The older you are, the better chance of the marriage lasting. To me, getting married in your early 20’s would be like getting married at 16 in my parents generation, at least where I live. People grow and change a lot in their 20’s. I started dating my husband at 22, but didn’t marry until 6 years later. I think marriage is just easier later on.

Most of my kids have dated SO’s for 1, 2, 3 years, my 24 has been dating the same guy for 3+ years (he’s 30). They might get married, they might split up, no need to try to guess the future. Most young relationships end up breaking up, good learning experience.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I wouldn’t want my child to marry that young, my mom married at 22, had me at 23, was married almost 50 years before her death, strongly advised my sister and I to wait, we did. The older you are, the better chance of the marriage lasting. To me, getting married in your early 20’s would be like getting married at 16 in my parents generation, at least where I live. People grow and change a lot in their 20’s. I started dating my husband at 22, but didn’t marry until 6 years later. I think marriage is just easier later on.

Most of my kids have dated SO’s for 1, 2, 3 years, my 24 has been dating the same guy for 3+ years (he’s 30). They might get married, they might split up, no need to try to guess the future. Most young relationships end up breaking up, good learning experience.

They've actually been looking at martial attitudes of millennials and what they've been finding is that they take marriage more seriously than boomers as a generality. Granted the OP's daughter wouldn't be considered a millennial but it wouldn't be a stretch to consider that this adjustment will carry on to the next generation; I was more speaking about your age thing. What we're finding is a shift in what marriage means to individuals. It's not that marriage is just easier later on, it's that the consideration to get married takes on a different meaning than in prior generations.

To me it's not that the older you get the better chance of the marriage lasting. Time spent learning who your partner is, making sure you take time to learn who you are (even just the consideration of you as an individual first is newer), finding your own stability in life both in maturity, education and financial, etc those are what millennials look toward for marriage consideration and those weren't necessarily paramount in years past. Also even the expectation to get married as changed. With that comes the criticism of career over family, the assumption that marriage as an institution is being degraded, and more.

 

[DLgal]

I wouldn’t want my child to marry that young, my mom married at 22, had me at 23, was married almost 50 years before her death, strongly advised my sister and I to wait, we did. The older you are, the better chance of the marriage lasting. To me, getting married in your early 20’s would be like getting married at 16 in my parents generation, at least where I live. People grow and change a lot in their 20’s. I started dating my husband at 22, but didn’t marry until 6 years later. I think marriage is just easier later on.

Most of my kids have dated SO’s for 1, 2, 3 years, my 24 has been dating the same guy for 3+ years (he’s 30). They might get married, they might split up, no need to try to guess the future. Most young relationships end up breaking up, good learning experience.

I find that people tend to overcomplicate marriage. For us, it was simple. We loved each other very quickly and deeply early in our relationship. The feeling was mutual. We both felt like we wanted to go through life with the other, whatever that would mean. We both still feel that way after numerous life challenges, obstacles, and setbacks, medical issues, mental health issues, etc. We are a team, forever. That's all there is to it. I have always known who I am. I have a very strong sense of self and what I know to be important in life. I have always been more mature in my thinking than others my age. My husband is the same way. I have no time for the stupid games people play while dating. As I have gotten older, it seems that dating has only gotten worse. People who aren't fortunate to find love early on seem to struggle SO MUCH finding it later on (at least this is what I have seen in my social circle).

Too many people get married for the wrong reasons, sure. But, if a relationship has a solid foundation, all the rest of life that happens can be easily navigated within that relationship, whether that be careers or children or adverse situations.

In fact, among military couples specifically, the majority marry young but ALSO stay married much longer and have a much lower divorce rate than the civilian population. The military is a lifestyle that requires a commitment to something larger than yourself, and people who join it and then find partners willing to join them in that life tend to be better at following through with the commitment of marriage too.

 

[DISNEY1975]

I always find these kinds of posts amusing. Clearly the military is the devil and OP is just convinced that the relationship could never possibly work.

More likely, OP doesn't want it to, because then "the military" might take away her child when she marries this guy and inevitably moves away from home. Then she can't control her life anymore.

Am I convinced it wouldnt work? Pretty much. Do I want it to end? No. I really like the kid. My fear is that he will forget about her and unlike a normal relationship that ends, most times with a disagreement or closure, she will just be sitting around still waiting and hoping when he is off living his new life, not telling her to move on. I just dont know. If I tell her to move o and he comes back, Ill feel awful. If I let her keep waiting and she never sees him again, Ill feel awful. I guess as long as the letters keep coming, Ill say nothing. Marriage was never a thought until someone brought it up in this thread. Not by her or him. They are very young.

They might get married, they might split up, no need to try to guess the future. Most young relationships end up breaking up, good learning experience.

Im not sure how this thread turned into marriage!!! Im just hoping their is some closure or discussion and he doesnt just leave her waiting, with her thinking he is training and that is the reason for no letters/calls. If they stay together, more power to them. I hope he does that right thing, whatever that may be.

I am happy about these responses. So far I havent seen anything mentioned about what I feared most, just being ghosted. I guess we'll just see what the next 3 - 10 months brings. Still waiting to hear if he will get any time off after SOI before MOS. If not, the earliest she would see him is end of Aug/beginning of Sept.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

There’s nothing wrong with that, where we live I believe 30 is the average age for marriage. The majority get at least a 4 year degree before even thinking about marriage. I was one of the first in our circle to get married at 28.

That’s been my “normal” as well and I waited until I was 34 because I had no interest in getting married young. Funnily enough, I married the same guy I’d been with since I was 18, so it wouldn’t have mattered one way or the other. I could have been a teen bride and it would’ve worked out just fine for me.

But, I have friends who followed the same path of waiting until their thirties to think about marriage for whom it turned out to not be the greatest decision. By the time they started looking to get into serious relationships, some felt “all the good men had been taken.” Or, they wanted to have children and felt the pressure of the ticking clock while they had to first work on finding a partner. Or, they had that partner but were having infertility issues because they’d waited until their mid-thirties to start trying to have children. There can certainly be downsides to getting married young, but there are potentially downsides to waiting, as well. As a society, we need to do a better job of understanding there is no “right way” by which everyone should live their lives, and we especially need to stop acting like young women are too dumb to make their own choices about their futures.

Also, it’s a heck of a lot easier to live on two incomes than one! I feel like that’s a point that often gets overlooked. My husband and I are more financially comfortable than many of our friends/family and I can’t deny that it’s in large part due to having a 10-15 year head start over them on being able to merge our finances. While my husband and I were splitting living expenses throughout our twenties, our single friends were having to carry the load by themselves.

 

[Lilias]

My husband joined the Navy right out of high school, we were cute 18 year old babies, and his mom was devastated that we'd be breaking up (I was his first real girlfriend), and we had no idea what she was talking about because we had no intention of breaking up! And now we're married, so it obviously worked out

So bootcamp was pretty awful to go through, we wrote each other every day--they're not given much time to write but mine found a way to write me every day (I think he had to hide a stash of letters in his pillowcase or something, lol). I don't know if it's different now, but in 2008 they could only mail letters like once a week, and sometimes they'd miss it for one reason or another. He always apologized in his letters about the delay I'd get in receiving mine, but begged me to send one EVERY SINGLE DAY, and to please stuff it with pictures of memes ahahaha. I'd check my dorm mailbox every day, and there would be nothing until one day there'd be like 10 envelopes crammed in there and I would read them all in like 5 minutes and cry bwahahaha. The phone calls are VERY limited and sometimes he called his mom instead of me and I'd be mad about it, but he missed his mom, too!

After bootcamp is over, they can video chat every day and it's fine. It's FINEEE. Long distance relationships are easier than ever now! We had to use dinky ol' webcams back in 2008 I still roll my eyes when my friends complain about a spouse being "gone all the time" and I'm like HELLO WE SPENT AN ENTIRE YEAR APART ONCE and then they roll their eyes back at me, lol. Deployments are worse than bootcamp, though. That's a whole 'nother book.

ANYWAY, TLDR; if they both want it enough, it'll work. If not, it won't. Just be there for her and try not to worry about it and let her vent to you! My mom was not great when I'd want to talk about my feelings, so I had to find support groups on facebook to talk to other girls in the same situation. Nobody else gets it. Finding other girls my age in the same situation helped tremendously!

 

[nw6675]

When I was a senior my BF left for the army. He asked me to wait and for us to get married after I graduated. I *oops* broke his heart while he was in basic. Funny, 28 years later we are still friends! Things will run its course for your daughter one way or the other and everyone will be ok in the end.

Fast forward a few years, and my DH and I were dating (he was 30 and I was 21 at the time). He came home from work (Air Force) one day and said - we gotta get married, I leave for Korea in 2 months. LOL, so much for a proposal, but we did get married and 2 weeks later he left for a year long unaccompanied tour to Korea. That was HARD. Being young (22 by then), my friends all wanting to go to the clubs, and I was just married, but alone. But, here we are 23 years later

 

[brockash]

17. If Im controlling because I think marriage anytime before she graduates college is not an option, then so be it. Ill happily take that title.

Lol...I would say 95% of parents wouldn't want that to be an option, but REALITY is YOU don't get to decide what is and is not an option for your kids once they hit 18. I think most would agree that it's always better to be done with school and in a career before getting married, but that's up to that adult child, so you saying it's not an option is just delusion, as it won't/isn't your choice to make. I think that's what ppl. are trying to help you understand, but some don't accept reality until it smacks them in the face...just trying to ease the sting in case it doesn't work out exactly how you would choose.

 

[QueenIsabella]

17. If Im controlling because I think marriage anytime before she graduates college is not an option, then so be it. Ill happily take that title.

I don't think people are disagreeing with you on the idea of finishing college before marriage. The problem is, once your DD turns 18, your influence wanes. Legally, you can't stop her from getting married and moving across the country, or quitting school to become a trapeze artist, or getting a tattoo, whatever.

On the good side, hopefully your influence up to this point will help guide your DD to make a reasoned, mature decision.

 

[DISNEY1975]

Nobody is talking about marriage!! I dont even know how this all turned into her maybe or maybe not getting married. I was honestly just worried about him forgetting her and leaving her wasting time waiting for him.....to go back to spending time together/dating. I would hate for her to miss out on parties/prom/events waiting for someone who will not return. Just wanted to know if anyone else experienced this. Nobody is getting married!! Im 1000000% sure neither one of them are thinking of it, especially her who just watched her brother date a girl 10 years before getting married. He would have waited 5 more if he had his way!

 

[AlohaNow]

I just adore how this thread has already married your daughter off to this young man. That's the DIS for ya!

You are just being a good mom by asking the question. And realistic as well, knowing how this will most likely end. Joining the military is going full speed ahead in one direction and changing a great deal as a person, while the SO left behind is living their same life. Often when the couple reunites, they find they are quite different and sometimes can't relate to one another. And want different things as well. I would encourage her to continue to join her friends for things and not miss out while waiting for him. She could attend prom with someone as a friend, right? No harm there. I guess my only advice is to be a sounding board for her when she needs it. It's hard to see our kids struggle with stuff, but that is all part of becoming an adult.