Young BFs in the Military

[sonnyjane]

well....covid could save the relationship....but if he went to any coed advanced training facility .....chances are pretty slim , even worse if he is stationed at a coed company as permeant duty....but again this was the 80s and no covid. Much like a senior high school student going to university and leaving behind a sophmore friend stillin high school....unless they are true childhood sweethearts....no much hope.

as for leave for graduation ....what service is he in? US army transfers immediate to AIT training. As for phone calls....in the 80s phone calls were punishably by prison time in boot camp.

I think if your only reference to how the military operates is from the 80’s, you’d be surprised at how different things are now. Yes phone access is limited, but “prison time”?

 

[trip]

Just curious. I may have missed the info but you said she is a "teen". (Your quotes) Is she a 16-year-old high school student or a 19-year-old college student? Big difference. Do they have an arrangement not to see anyone else? Hopefully, she will continue to live her life and see her friends.

 

[brockash]

Marriage is not an option (at least not anytime soon)! At that point, I WILL jump in. Best case scenario is she sees him again and make some sort of decision face to face. Right now Im just thinking she will be sitting here waiting, and he will forget all about her. It will be devastating to break up without closure. Do I prep her for that possibility? Keep my mouth shut? I just dont know.

Keep your mouth shut...but that has nothing to do with her dating someone in the military.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Has anyone dated someone who went off to the military when they were young? This just happened to my DD. Im not sure what to say to her. She is clinging to hope. I want to tell her to not be a fool, but Im just staying out of it and letting it run its course.

I dated a guy when I was in high school, who was in the military. It did not work out, sadly; he was an amazing guy. But I was a silly 17 year old, and he was a worldwise 21 year old...

DD#2 dated a guy (briefly) who went into the Marines while they were dating; he came back changed (as most new Marines are, that stiff and shiny marineholes, as DH calls them ). That lasted all of 10 minutes. She knew her DH in high school, even though they didn't run with the same crowds; he went Marines right after hs and they reconnected a few years later; dated for a time (both when together in person and long distance) before they married.

 

[chickapin parterre]

I think if your only reference to how the military operates is from the 80’s, you’d be surprised at how different things are now. Yes phone access is limited, but “prison time”?

My reference is US Army 1981-1982, fort jackson, S.C. I think the US army was just starting coed training, so much new in 1981, we were given battle dress uniforms, new dorm complex at Fort Jacksong, traing went from 6 weeks to 8 weeks....with 12 on the horizon....so in our company of three male platoons and one woman platoon. Three men from the company were sent to prison for rape and one fellow in our plattoon went to Jail for making a phone call. Phone was off limits.

When basic was over and we cattle trucked across the parade field to Advance Individual training. men and women were living in the same building though men and woman pulled guard duty on their hallway entrances. Weekend passes pretty much took the pressure off the rape issue.

the point I was trying to make is that young man, regardless of the decade, is going into environment where he will be in close quarters with other women.

and at my non-military assignment , women lived in the barricks with men

 

[sonnyjane]

the point I was trying to make is that young man, regardless of the decade, is going into environment where he will be in close quarters with other women.

Which is true of most college dormitories or apartment complexes in general. I’m not saying their long-term odds are fantastic, but it’s more about being in different places in their life emotionally, not physically. What you’ve implied about men not being able to control themselves when in the presence of women is offensive to both men and women! I have a few female friends serving in the military (nurses, air traffic controllers, bomb technicians...) that have had to work extremely difficult in their careers to combat the stereotype that you’re perpetuating. I’ve yet to meet anyone that has joined the military for match-making purposes...

 

[chickapin parterre]

Which is true of most college dormitories or apartment complexes in general. I’m not saying their long-term odds are fantastic, but it’s more about being in different places in their life emotionally, not physically. What you’ve implied about men not being able to control themselves when in the presence of women is offensive to both men and women! I have a few female friends serving in the military that have had to work extremely difficult in their careers to combat the stereotype that you’re perpetuating. I’ve yet to meet anyone that has joined the military for match-making purposes...

Indeed , your friends have overcome obstacles to extend their careers in the US Army, an unimageable crucible that many would be horrified to comprehend I saw it first hand in my barracks. It was very disturbing at the AIT level and culturally shocking to me coming from "living in a bubble" that women were treated that way. joining the army popped that bubble and my post assignment demonstrated how cruel of a world it is to woman in a coed barrack situation. Many times I had to counsel, go/between the two soldiers that the woman was not interested in a relationship but instead furthering her military career. I am not perpetuating any stereotype that military service is match making process. what I am historically sharing is that a young man going out into the world and encountering tons of money, liquor, and working, dining, and soldiering with women is going to be a brand new experience ...and the probability is high that his interests will go elsewhere from his current relationship.

 

[pinkxray]

Dh and I started dating the beginning of our senior year in high school.
He joined the Marines after graduating and I enrolled in our local university. Our original plans were to stick together and finish out our plans separate. He does 4 years in the Marines, I do 4 years in college.
We ending up getting married 1 year after he joined the Marine and I left school to live near Camp Leguene in NC. Everyone tried to talk us out of it. My parents, his parents , friends. We just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary
I would try to stay out of it. It will ruin its course or not. Not many people we knew back then stayed together.

Dh had a cousin who’s BF left after senior year. She was a year younger so didn’t graduate yet. She had plans to graduate, join the Marines and they would marry. He broke it off shortly after boot camp.

Did I miss if he is out of boot camp? I think Dh was only able to call 1 time at while at boot camp. Cell phones weren’t as big back then but there could be times DH couldn’t call. They do have weeks of training out in the field, mountain warfare training,etc.

 

[DISNEY1975]

as for leave for graduation ....what service is he in? US army transfers immediate to AIT training. As for phone calls....in the 80s phone calls were punishably by prison time in boot camp.

USMC. He had to leave his phone at home.

Just curious. I may have missed the info but you said she is a "teen". (Your quotes) Is she a 16-year-old high school student or a 19-year-old college student? Big difference. Do they have an arrangement not to see anyone else? Hopefully, she will continue to live her life and see her friends.

She is a 17yo Sr, He just graduated in June, 18yo (soon to be 18 and 19.) Due to covid, she is at home 90%. Its hard. She plays 3 Varsity sports and is in many clubs and activities. All cancelled due to Covid. Now she just sits at home and thinks about him all day

DD#2 dated a guy (briefly) who went into the Marines while they were dating; he came back changed (as most new Marines are, that stiff and shiny marineholes, as DH calls them ). That lasted all of 10 minutes. She knew her DH in high school, even though they didn't run with the same crowds; he went Marines right after hs and they reconnected a few years later; dated for a time (both when together in person and long distance) before they married.

Yes, I feel he will mature/grow up quickly and she will not be on the same page.

Which is true of most college dormitories or apartment complexes in general. I’m not saying their long-term odds are fantastic, but it’s more about being in different places in their life emotionally, not physically.

This!!

Did I miss if he is out of boot camp? I think Dh was only able to call 1 time at while at boot camp. Cell phones weren’t as big back then but there could be times DH couldn’t call. They do have weeks of training out in the field, mountain warfare training,etc.

Nope, today starts 7 of 15 week into bootcamp, then straight to SOI. He may get a call at some point, but she made it clear to him to call his mother and not her. He has been writing to her every 10-ish days. She writes daily.

 

[Christine]

When my DH and I started dating, he shortly went off to the Air Force. I went off to college. He wrote a lot of letters, as did I. This was a long time ago so no real phone calls. Of course, there was no COVID either. I dated around some as did he. He then went off to his next assignment and we continued a long distance type thing. It then became time to either end it or do something more permanent. We decided to get married. I'm still married but I won't lie--we probably wouldn't have married at that point but did so because of the long-distance stuff and the military gives benefits for being married rather than just living together. Plus, all the military guys around my DH were marrying off so it was "the thing to do." Not sure if that's still the mindset.

My best friends daughter was dating someone in college who was ROTC. They ended up marrying young (21) for much the same reasons (distance).

My DD, who has dated a few military guys in current times seems to believe that they all get married young.

 

[DISNEY1975]

My DD, who has dated a few military guys in current times seems to believe that they all get married young.

That wont be happening! My DS started dating a girl when he was in 11th gr. She was in 12th. They met at work, went to different HSs. He was 16, she 17. They both graduated went to different colleges, but less than an hour apart. Stayed together the entire time, and just got married this past Aug at the age of 26/27. If she had her way, they would have been married years ago. Not finishing college and starting a career is not an option!

My DD who is going through this now with the recruit also met him outside of school. They know how to live separate lives and still be together. But there is same region separate and very long distance separate, with different mental growths.

Im just going to sit on the sideline and hope nothing too terrible happens that she doesnt focus on school, which is hard enough these days. I want to prepare her for the worst so it doesnt hit her like a ton of bricks, but dont want to be too negative either. Maybe if the letters stop coming as frequently, Ill have a talk with her.

 

[brockash]

That wont be happening! My DS started dating a girl when he was in 11th gr. She was in 12th. They met at work, went to different HSs. He was 16, she 17. They both graduated went to different colleges, but less than an hour apart. Stayed together the entire time, and just got married this past Aug at the age of 26/27. If she had her way, they would have been married years ago. Not finishing college and starting a career is not an option!

My DD who is going through this now with the recruit also met him outside of school. They know how to live separate lives and still be together. But there is same region separate and very long distance separate, with different mental growths.

Im just going to sit on the sideline and hope nothing too terrible happens that she doesnt focus on school, which is hard enough these days. I want to prepare her for the worst so it doesnt hit her like a ton of bricks, but dont want to be too negative either. Maybe if the letters stop coming as frequently, Ill have a talk with her.

Good luck to you...I hope it works out the way you want it to. I'd be careful about thinking you know 100% what is and is not an option for your dd, once she turns 18. I get it, I'm a parent too and we all just want the best for our kids, but once they're 18, they get to decide whatever they want to do and probably even more importantly, they get to decide who they do and do not share their plans with.

 

[mamamary]

When my dd was 17 she started dating another 17 year old. They were both seniors in high school. I soon found out he was going into the air force while my daughter was going away to college. They stayed a couple while he was in boot camp. They wrote lots of letters. She even flew to his graduation. A few months later my daughter called it quits. He was not going to be stationed by her and he said he totally understood. I stayed out of it the whole time. I knew that’s how it would end up. He was super nice but now she is also with someone we really like.

 

[Donald13]

Marriage is not an option (at least not anytime soon)! At that point, I WILL jump in. Best case scenario is she sees him again and make some sort of decision face to face. Right now Im just thinking she will be sitting here waiting, and he will forget all about her. It will be devastating to break up without closure. Do I prep her for that possibility? Keep my mouth shut? I just dont know.

How old is she??? Please let her live. You sound very controlling.

 

[mjkacmom]

What about friends? My 17 year olds are my youngest, and senior year is a huge year for friends. Both are 3 season varsity sports (captains), and soccer season was a blessing. Dd19 just had about a dozen of her HS friends in the yard last night. Hoping winter track can go on even without meets (they practice outside). Both broke up with their SO’s over the summer, dd24 and ds22 both had SO’s senior year, DD’s boyfriend was a year older and the relationship survived his freshman year away, but she broke up with him her freshman year because it was too difficult being apart, and scheduling time together, with friends, with family, when they were both home. High school/college is about your friends (although Dd19 has had 2 longer term relationships since HS and the present). Is she planning on going away to college next year?

 

[DISNEY1975]

What about friends? My 17 year olds are my youngest, and senior year is a huge year for friends. Both are 3 season varsity sports (captains), and soccer season was a blessing. Dd19 just had about a dozen of her HS friends in the yard last night. Hoping winter track can go on even without meets (they practice outside). Both broke up with their SO’s over the summer, dd24 and ds22 both had SO’s senior year, DD’s boyfriend was a year older and the relationship survived his freshman year away, but she broke up with him her freshman year because it was too difficult being apart, and scheduling time together, with friends, with family, when they were both home. High school/college is about your friends (although Dd19 has had 2 longer term relationships since HS and the present). Is she planning on going away to college next year?

Yes. I stated in an earlier post they both have somewhat separate lives, but were still together. She has all her sports friends, but they are kind of seasonal. They are all besties until the next sport season, then the friends rotate. She is also very involved with the music program at school, so she has her friends there too, and CYO and dance classes outside of school. She had a BF for 2 years in school. She kind of dumped him for the recruit. He was very clingy and she is not like that. The recruit is nobody she would have paid attention to in school...very quiet, polite, shy. It took 6 months of friendship to realize she really liked him. Due to Covid, they spent more time with eachother than she would have had time for if she were in school/sports. Although they had never met prior to 1.5 years ago, never went to the same school (mine is in private), it turned out he lived around the corner (about 8-10 houses away). Made it very easy to come over daily.

She is looking at different school options. Most are in the small state we live in, but we have great schools. She is hoping to play volleyball somewhere. Her goal is to be a math teacher.

 

[DISNEY1975]

How old is she??? Please let her live. You sound very controlling.

17. If Im controlling because I think marriage anytime before she graduates college is not an option, then so be it. Ill happily take that title.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

That wont be happening! My DS started dating a girl when he was in 11th gr. She was in 12th. They met at work, went to different HSs. He was 16, she 17. They both graduated went to different colleges, but less than an hour apart. Stayed together the entire time, and just got married this past Aug at the age of 26/27. If she had her way, they would have been married years ago. Not finishing college and starting a career is not an option!

My DD who is going through this now with the recruit also met him outside of school. They know how to live separate lives and still be together. But there is same region separate and very long distance separate, with different mental growths.

Im just going to sit on the sideline and hope nothing too terrible happens that she doesnt focus on school, which is hard enough these days. I want to prepare her for the worst so it doesnt hit her like a ton of bricks, but dont want to be too negative either. Maybe if the letters stop coming as frequently, Ill have a talk with her.

Lol, what? It’s always an option.

I was 17 when my boyfriend shipped off to basic training. About a week later I got a letter from the military saying “Welcome to the military family!” I found the whole focus of getting married young and giving your lives over to the military to be a bit too much. I married his civilian friend instead.

 

[mjkacmom]

17. If Im controlling because I think marriage anytime before she graduates college is not an option, then so be it. Ill happily take that title.

There’s nothing wrong with that, where we live I believe 30 is the average age for marriage. The majority get at least a 4 year degree before even thinking about marriage. I was one of the first in our circle to get married at 28.

 

[Donald13]

17. If Im controlling because I think marriage anytime before she graduates college is not an option, then so be it. Ill happily take that title.

Wow. Ok nvm I can see who I’m dealing with. Enjoy raining on her parade. Seems like you will.