Need vs Want

[1Princess1Prince2006]

Just do the dishes! You have a dishwasher, stick them in there and turn it on to run. If he doesn't like it, try a new detergent, or tell him to wash the plate/bowl/glass that he wants to use, and to get over himself. Dishes can not be left in the sink for 2 weeks, it doesn't matter how many there are. Heck my 11 & 9 year olds even get this concept and can load the dishwasher like pros.

As for eating out being a need vs. want, in our house it is a want. There are nights we want to eat out because of after school activities and crazy schedules, but it doesn't happen. I'm a single mom, with one income, 10% of my income going to take out would buy my daughter 6 months of dance lessons. It just depends on how you look at need vs. want.

OP, I know it can be hard with a new baby in the house and trying to get things done. Been there, done that (twice), but its time to grow up and put the pettiness aside. Time to have a sit down ,make a list of all that needs on a daily basis and split it. Better to have things in order now than when baby grows up and learns bad habits.

 

[Chrelaine]

I would put all the dishes in the dishwasher and run it, at least every other day. I'd also put the baby bottles in there.

When he decides that he doesn't like them being washed that way he'd be welcome to do them by hand - DAILY!

 

[APiratesLifeForMe2]

I've been married to a wonderful man for 22 years.... but he is a slob and I truly held out NO HOPE that he would EVER work around the house in any capacity. I gave up asking years ago. But he has slowly (ever so slowly) come around .... partially because he knows it reduces my stress level 100 times over to come into a CLEAN kitchen at the end of the day. And "happy wife, happy life", right???

Every time I cleaned up something that I felt like wasn't "my" responsibility, I would feel anger and resentment and frustration. But when I put those feelings aside and just did it for the "greater good" of the family and of the relationship, it truly put a new perspective on things.

I think you are me and DH 20 years from now

I agree its the bigger issue of chores. He claims he doesn't have any time for
chores after work because he's spending time with the baby, but this week no baby and no chores (not just the dishes, its just the dishes effect my ability to cook).

And yes to me its about creating the healthy pattern now, vs when the kid is a toddler.

I just was flabergasted he called eating at home a WANT.

OP, I get it!!!! Some people would probably faint if they saw my sink right now. We don't have a dishwasher or a garbage disposal and dishes are an absolute chore that take much longer than five minutes in our household. 95%of the time I cook. Ideally DH is supposed to wash the dishes after but it never happens. Usually I have to wash them the next night before I make dinner and honestly that's just so I can get to my faucet. I know others say it's gross etc. but my house is immaculate compared to most other people I know. My sink is my exception. People can judge, that's ok.

I admit we sometimes eat out because we don't feel like getting a bunch of dishes dirty but our budget is very tight compared to a year ago so our eating in has significantly increased. It's not a want for us, it's a need. My sink is always full of dirty dishes now and I hate it.

I'm not sure if you are asking, but I will offer a few suggestions. Put them in the dishwasher and try a new detergent. If it's the film he doesn't like, a different detergent may change that. At least the dishes are clean and if he doesn't like it, he can rewash his bowl or fork before he has his dinner. Otherwise I would suck it up and hand wash them yourself. DH and I have only been married 2 years but I learned real quick that if I wanted something done a certain way, I had to do it myself. It's easier than arguing about it. Finally, do you have a steam sanitizer for your bottles? Since we don't have a dishwasher I have always wondered what I will do when we have a child. Those bottle sanitizers look like an excellent solution and might work for your situation. At least your baby can have clean bottles in no time without much effort on yours or your husbands part.

 

[KKB]

You shop & cook--he doing the dishes is fair. You both need to sit down & discuss division of chores.
I suppose it is a "want"--but you 2 need to come to an agreement that you BOTH want--perhaps maximum number of times to eat out a week & that dishes need to be done immediately.
Why doesn't he like the dishwasher? It sanitizes & uses less water than handwashing & takes seconds to load each time, minutes to unload.
Time for a "come to Jesus meeting" (as a friend says) between the 2 of you--part of being married is compromising & BOTH parties giving a bit to make the other happy

 

[quandrea]

I'm sorry but this whole thread is disgusting. Just cook the dinner, tidy up and wash the blasted dishes. Even the paper plate thing is crazy. The level if laziness is astounding. I'm not usually judgemental but you guys have a child. You NEED to maintain a hygienic kitchen and soon you will NEED to feed that child solid food. Better get used to preparing, and cleaning up wholesome food at HOME!

 

[hsmamato2]

Need-a clean home to raise baby
Need- healthy food in a sanitary kitchen
need- 2 parents both working together for family
Need- two parents willing to sacrifice some time to work on this
Need- if not 2 parents,then at least 1 parent willing to maintain a clean home( just doing what needs to be done)
Not sure about a list of wants.... But that's what I think your 2 month old deserves and NEEDS.
Op, I hope things get smoother for you. I don't think 2 weeks of dishes is clean,or healthy both physically and mentally.
Just do the dishes. That's what dishwashers are for.

 

[quandrea]

Need-a clean home to raise baby
Need- healthy food in a sanitary kitchen
need- 2 parents both working together for family
Need- two parents willing to sacrifice some time to work on this
Need- if not 2 parents,then at least 1 parent willing to maintain a clean home( just doing what needs to be done)
Not sure about a list of wants.... But that's what I think your 2 month old deserves and NEEDS.
Op, I hope things get smoother for you. I don't think 2 weeks of dishes is clean,or healthy both physically and mentally.
Just do the dishes. That's what dishwashers are for.

 

[captainjen]

Geez.... I sometimes actually do the dishes before I sit down to eat. Would you go to a restaurant that only did the dishes once every other week???? I believe the board of health would shut down such an establishment in a blink of an eye.

 

[Pixie666]

Need - september to hurry up so i can go to disneyland

 

[kmb584]

Do the dishes. I can't imagine what 2-week-old dirty dishes look and smell like. You and DH need to sit down and talk about chore distribution, what's acceptable, and what isn't.

 

[kirstenb1]

I won't even address cleanliness etc.

But does your dh have any idea how hard it is to eat out with babies? My kids were always the babies crying in the restaurant. I don't think dh and I ate a meal together out the first couple years of our kids' lives. One of us was always walking the baby around out in the parking lot. Eating at home is 100x easier, not to mention cheaper. Which brings me to my second thought.

Maybe it was just our kids, but they were expensive too!! So much more budget friendly to buy groceries and eat at home.

 

[Laura66]

You allowed dishes to sit in the sink for two weeks?!!!!!!!

I don't know what to say about that other than it wouldn't matter whose job it was to take care of the mess, I would clean it up rather than live with it.

Even a day's worth of dirty dishes laying around can invite all kinds of vermin into your home. That's just truly disgusting!

This! Are you even serious? You both are that stubborn that you let them sit for two weeks?

 

[Jedana]

I've got to say, that this sounds a bit more like a battle of wills rather than the "need versus want" of eating out. My suggestion to you.... lead by example. Rather than battle him over the dishes, do them yourself. Or at LEAST load the dishwasher and run it. And do it with a smile. Doing it with resentment in your mind and heart is harmful to you and your relationship.

I've been married to a wonderful man for 22 years.... but he is a slob and I truly held out NO HOPE that he would EVER work around the house in any capacity. I gave up asking years ago. But he has slowly (ever so slowly) come around .... partially because he knows it reduces my stress level 100 times over to come into a CLEAN kitchen at the end of the day. And "happy wife, happy life", right???

Every time I cleaned up something that I felt like wasn't "my" responsibility, I would feel anger and resentment and frustration. But when I put those feelings aside and just did it for the "greater good" of the family and of the relationship, it truly put a new perspective on things.

I'm also surprised that your DH doesn't want to use the dishwasher because it might leave a "film" but he is okay with dirty dishes sitting around for two weeks? Icky and smelly! My house would end up with flies and fruit flies if I left stuff around for that long.

Anyhow..... not really answering your question about wants versus needs.... but offering some advise from a long-married couple who have had housework disputes in the past. Lead by example with a happy heart (or at least FAKE it with a smile ) and it may change the perspective on things. Best of luck................P

Are we sharing a husband?

DH doesn't care about if things are clean or not, as long as he can find what he wants when he wants it. He doesn't put things away where they belong--for example, nail clippers. He'll use them in one bathroom, and then put them on the living room table, when he could put them in the drawer in one of the bathrooms. Makes me sooo .

So, I stopped being his mom.
He can't find the nail clippers where they belong because he left them somewhere else, that's his problem. (I have my own nail stuff, and it's kept put away from him, so I don't care if he loses his clippers or not.)

I stopped putting TP in the bathrooms (he had a terrible habit of not putting TP in the bathroom---on the counter--when he'd empty the roll. I wasn't even expecting TP on the holder, just in the bathroom--so now, if he uses it all, I just remember to grab some and take it with me, then put the roll back in the closet. Three times of him being trapped without TP taught him to put TP in the bathrooms.)

Do the darn dishes. And stop using paper plates--do you know how bad that is for the enviroment??? We got DS's old Cub pack to stop using them on camping trips (yes, meant more dishes for the serving parents, but less waste as we were filling up 3-4 trashbags a MEAL), and we're working on the current BS troop to switch to kits only.

 

[Miffy]

What an entertaining thread.

OP, your DH is speaking in code, which I will now translate:

"I don't want to do the dishes. Don't ask me again. Ever."

 

[hereyago]

I would have a field day with him. So he is missing going out to eat ? Have him take the baby by himself out to dinner a couple times. Sorry buddy, but things havee changed and it isnt about just you anymore.

I would hve put those dishes in the shower with him or some other in your face way.

Now, I am not husband bashing, I would say the same thing if it were a guy postong about his wife. Couples need to work as a team, especially when kids come into the picture. If you say I will do dishes, then do them.

 

[firecracker725]

While we're on wants v. needs...You don't really NEED a husband, now do you?

 

[Minnesota!]

You have a child. You both need to grow up. Keeping a house to a minimum standard of hygiene is not rocket science.

Thsi whole thread is just....ewwwww.

 

[fluffykalie]

I see a lot of judgements on here I think the op is just trying to get him to share the work load around the house. It will take time for you as a couple to get a good game plan down. I have been there, married at 19(both of us) in 2007. We have it worked out now and I'm proud of how much he's grown up. But honestly it took three to four years of disagreements and mess's left for longer then should have been to get us to find a middle ground. Just keep trying to get him to help but don't focus on it to much and hopefully he will come around.

 

[AZMermaid]

I would have a field day with him. So he is missing going out to eat ? Have him take the baby by himself out to dinner a couple times. Sorry buddy, but things have changed and it isnt about just you anymore.

I agree with this. It might not be that tough to take a 2 month old to eat. But it is a good habit to eat at home now, because taking a 6 month- uh..... my kids are 4 and 2.5 and it still is never relaxing. It got "easier" around 2.5ish. But, it still is not relaxing and stress free like "the old days!" It is a LOT of work to keep young kids civilized in public.

I suppose eating at home could be a want, but so is eating out. Eating is a need- how you do so is your want. I would just do the dishes myself at some point. Ours are often done the next morning (which I hate) but never more than 24 hours and I would not say I am a neat freak. We divide the chores that way too- whoever cooks the other does the dishes as a general rule, but if stuff comes up, the other one pitches in. If he is that against doing dishes, would he cook? Maybe he can take the baby to the restaurant and get yours to go on the way out? Then you get a little alone time! My husband used to take my son to breakfast pretty much every Sunday when he was 12-24 months. It was fabulous!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

DW knows the rule in our house. If she wants help with dishes, keep the sink clear. If it's been rinsed & stacked on the counter (so I can actually USE the sink), that's my cue to do the dishes. If they're floating in a pool of filth in the sink, they're all hers.