Need vs Want

[whtyger97]

In asking my husband to do the dishes which had been sitting in the sink for two weeks (I cook and grocery shop, he does dishes) because I need to be able to cook at home he informed me that cooking at home was a *WANT* and not a *NEED*

Opinions? Because I just don't even know what to say to that.

Background - We have a history of eating out/fast food more than we should, which we justified by being Dual Income No Kids however we now have a two month old baby boy. I have done my best to minimize dishes, for example Caesar salad kit and chicken fingers is a decent dinner and only dirties two forks (we use paper plates, we have nice dishes but paper plates are so cheap i gave up that fight) or even less if there is plasticware in the house. Another meal would be a one skillet meal that dirties a pan+lid and two bowls to serve it in. Otherwise there is no way two weeks of dishes would fit in our tiny sink. I don't want to the dishes done everyday, twice or even once a week i could live with. We do own a dishwasher but he thinks it leaves a film on the dishes so prefers to hand wash the dishes.

Note: As we are now switching to bottles that creates even more to be cleaned, but those we are both taking turns daily to do and are not included in what we consider 'dishes'

I'm not suggesting we never get takeout/eatout but the default should be eat at home not takeout

Also we have a grocery store that for $5 you order online all your groceries and then drive up to the front to pick them up, so saying eating out saves us time on grocery shopping doesn't even count.

Eating out everyday would be about 10% of our gross pay to try to put it in perspective.

 

[tvguy]

Dishes are a NEED. I'm a slob, but my limit on dishes in the sink is about 8 hours. But my DW's limit is about 30 minutes so they rarely get that far.

 

[Marionnette]

In asking my husband to do the dishes which had been sitting in the sink for two weeks (I cook and grocery shop, he does dishes) because I need to be able to cook at home he informed me that cooking at home was a *WANT* and not a *NEED*

Opinions? Because I just don't even know what to say to that.

Background - We have a history of eating out/fast food more than we should, which we justified by being Dual Income No Kids however we now have a two month old baby boy. I have done my best to minimize dishes, for example Caesar salad kit and chicken fingers is a decent dinner and only dirties two forks (we use paper plates, we have nice dishes but paper plates are so cheap i gave up that fight) or even less if there is plasticware in the house. Another meal would be a one skillet meal that dirties a pan+lid and two bowls to serve it in. Otherwise there is no way two weeks of dishes would fit in our tiny sink. I don't want to the dishes done everyday, twice or even once a week i could live with. We do own a dishwasher but he thinks it leaves a film on the dishes so prefers to hand wash the dishes.

Note: As we are now switching to bottles that creates even more to be cleaned, but those we are both taking turns daily to do and are not included in what we consider 'dishes'

I'm not suggesting we never get takeout/eatout but the default should be eat at home not takeout

Also we have a grocery store that for $5 you order online all your groceries and then drive up to the front to pick them up, so saying eating out saves us time on grocery shopping doesn't even count.

Eating out everyday would be about 10% of our gross pay to try to put it in perspective.

You allowed dishes to sit in the sink for two weeks?!!!!!!!

I don't know what to say about that other than it wouldn't matter whose job it was to take care of the mess, I would clean it up rather than live with it.

Even a day's worth of dirty dishes laying around can invite all kinds of vermin into your home. That's just truly disgusting!

 

[eliza61]

I can kinda see his point, eating itself is the basic need. where we do that is the want part.

For example, my house is generally empty now. the kids are young adults and between the three of us with various schedules cooking dinner and eating in, is actually the luxury.

What's been happening with us is that I cook a full meal and end up wasting money, even when the boys swear they're eating dinner, stuff happens and I end up throwing out so much of the meal after day 2 or 3.

Now eating out can get expensive, so usually what I do is put it to my family as a choice. Yes, we can eat out more often BUT that means some thing else has to give.

Now dish duty is just one of those chores people hate, we solved that with a dish washer.
Now if he really had a problem with the film on the dishes just gently suggest he rinse the film off.

Mine hated chore is cleaning the bathrooms. I will go months avoiding htat particular chore if I could. I probably obsess about the kitchen because usually I'm the one who spends the most time in there.

when there was 4 of us, I usually solved the dilemma by simply saying I don't cook in a dirty kitchen, you guys want food some one has to clean up.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I'd say it's time to change chores. My limit in dishes in the sink is "today". All of today's dishes have to be washed before I go to bed. It looks messy and like a previous poster said, can invite unwanted guests.
Maybe your DH would rather take over doing laundry or cleaning bathrooms instead of washing dishes. Laundry and bathrooms are a need, not a want, he would have no choice.

 

[AndreaDM]

Clean dishes that don't smell and attract bugs are a NEED. I may leave a few dishes in the sink for two DAYS but, two WEEKS? Yuck! How long does it take to wash a few dishes, 5 minutes?

 

[whtyger97]

You allowed dishes to sit in the sink for two weeks?!!!!!!!

I don't know what to say about that other than it wouldn't matter whose job it was to take care of the mess, I would clean it up rather than live with it.

Even a day's worth of dirty dishes laying around can invite all kinds of vermin into your home. That's just truly disgusting!

Dishes are rinsed but not cleaned, food is not sitting on them in the sink, but I wouldn't use them again till they are washed with soap throughly.

(Actually to me they aren't clean till they go through the dishwasher, which is why he does them by hand because he doesn't like the dishwasher.)

 

[Marionnette]

Dishes are rinsed but not cleaned, food is not sitting on them in the sink, but I wouldn't use them again till they are washed with soap throughly.

(Actually to me they aren't clean till they go through the dishwasher, which is why he does them by hand because he doesn't like the dishwasher.)

2-week-old unwashed dishes = disgusting

It doesn't matter that he rinsed the big stuff off. Grease clings and invites bugs. Load the dishwasher and run it if he won't. Why would you live like that?

 

[pjlla]

I've got to say, that this sounds a bit more like a battle of wills rather than the "need versus want" of eating out. My suggestion to you.... lead by example. Rather than battle him over the dishes, do them yourself. Or at LEAST load the dishwasher and run it. And do it with a smile. Doing it with resentment in your mind and heart is harmful to you and your relationship.

I've been married to a wonderful man for 22 years.... but he is a slob and I truly held out NO HOPE that he would EVER work around the house in any capacity. I gave up asking years ago. But he has slowly (ever so slowly) come around .... partially because he knows it reduces my stress level 100 times over to come into a CLEAN kitchen at the end of the day. And "happy wife, happy life", right???

Every time I cleaned up something that I felt like wasn't "my" responsibility, I would feel anger and resentment and frustration. But when I put those feelings aside and just did it for the "greater good" of the family and of the relationship, it truly put a new perspective on things.

I'm also surprised that your DH doesn't want to use the dishwasher because it might leave a "film" but he is okay with dirty dishes sitting around for two weeks? Icky and smelly! My house would end up with flies and fruit flies if I left stuff around for that long.

Anyhow..... not really answering your question about wants versus needs.... but offering some advise from a long-married couple who have had housework disputes in the past. Lead by example with a happy heart (or at least FAKE it with a smile ) and it may change the perspective on things. Best of luck................P

 

[Reyes0702]

We are changing how we do dishes too. Now everyone has to rinse their dish and put it in the dishwasher. Whoever last to fill it up will turn it on. This is also going to be my two kids job, ds10 and dd7. I can only stand dishes being left in sink for one day.

But i have a feeling there is more to his comment. Is it that he thinks eating out is better option? To me it depends on take out is cheaper than buying ingredients to make. You have to research. You pointed you have a baby. I think its good you start the habit to eat at home cause once kids arr grown it gets more expensive to eat out.

 

[Pumbaa_]

He sounds lazy. Not something I would want in a life partner

If he won't contribute in this tiny manner, I can't imagine what else he won't do.

It seems like a small thing, but it is a true indicator of his character, IMHO

 

[Stephaniesue]

A clean home is a need.

This is going to sound harsh, so brace yourself. You both need to stop being childish about who is cleaning or cooking. Work together and get it done. If he isn't going to hand wash them, load the dishwasher yourself and tell him to get over it.

Dishes sitting in the sink for 2 weeks is ridiculous. I cook dinner when I get home and clean up when I am done. If the dishes aren't done right after dinner they are done first thing in the morning.

Get one of those sponge things with a handle that holds dish soap in it. Then just clean those 2 bowls and forks as you use them. Problem solved.

This is not only silly, but I think it's sad that 2 grown people can't work this out without posting on a forum.

I'm done now....

 

[crisi]

Eating is a need. For most of us, eating out is a luxury - its a want - we can eat cheaper at home. There are exceptions - if we eat off the dollar menu at McDonalds - but that isn't healthy.

As Eliza says, its a matter of what gives. If eating out is what he wants to do, what sacrifices is he willing to make to have no dishes? The other thing to keep in mind is that you are establishing habits for your baby - who will soon be a toddler. And feeding a teenager though the drive through window is really expensive (I have two teenagers) and not very healthy.

Modeling the behavior you want your kids to have starts now. If you want your kids to be able to eat at home, you need to cook at home - or they won't have a clue how to start. And if you want your kids to understand how to maintain a home, you need to maintain it - including doing dishes.

In our house, if you have a problem with how I do something (say, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher - but honestly, the big one is laundry) then you have to do it - on my timeframe - or I'll do it the way I do it. If I were you, I'd start rising dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. If he complains about the film, tell him he is free to handwash them right after dinner.

 

[whtyger97]

The last time prior to this the dishes were done was by my aunt who was visiting to help with the baby, and ran them through the dishwasher.

Right now the list of excuses are that her using the dishwasher threw off his rhythm of using the dishwasher as a drying rack for the dishes he hand washed. So running the dishwasher was by his account make would make it worse not better.

I was out of town with the baby for one of those two weeks. Left Tuesday of last week, leaving him Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and I'm counting Friday because he came home before heading out to join me rather than leaving right from work and returned Sunday night with me returning Monday during the day. I left it alone Monday hoping they would be done then, and made this issue out of it Tuesday. (Two hour drive from Pittsburgh to Cleveland, I went in early for my mom's 60th birthday, he came for the rehearsal dinner Friday for my brother's wedding but didn't make it in till 10pm because he stopped by the house for an hour after work and traffic; yes it was a busy week but in Cleveland, not in Pittsburgh where he was for most of it)

I agree its the bigger issue of chores. He claims he doesn't have any time for
chores after work because he's spending time with the baby, but this week no baby and no chores (not just the dishes, its just the dishes effect my ability to cook).

And yes to me its about creating the healthy pattern now, vs when the kid is a toddler.

I just was flabergasted he called eating at home a WANT.

 

[Miskey]

Are you taking all the dirty dishes out of the sink each day to wash the baby bottles, then putting them back? If you're going to the trouble to rinse the dishes, just throw a little soap in them and go ahead and wash them. I personally, would use the dishwasher, and would DARE my husband to say anything

 

[Marionnette]

The last time prior to this the dishes were done was by my aunt who was visiting to help with the baby, and ran them through the dishwasher.

Right now the list of excuses are that her using the dishwasher threw off his rhythm of using the dishwasher as a drying rack for the dishes he hand washed. So my running the dishwasher was by his account make it worse not better.

I was out of town with the baby for one of those two weeks. Left Tuesday of last week, leaving him Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and I'm counting Friday because he came home before heading out to join me rather than leaving right from work and returned Sunday night with me returning Monday during the day. I left it alone Monday hoping they would be done then, and made this issue out of it Tuesday. (Two hour drive from Pittsburgh to Cleveland, I went in early for my mom's 60th birthday, he came for the rehearsal dinner Friday but didn't make it in till 10pm because he stopped by the house for an hour after work and traffic)

You were also "in town" for one of those two weeks and you allowed the dished to just pile up.

Sounds like your husband isn't the only one making excuses and you're both locking horns over a very petty issue.

ETA: Added by the OP later:

I agree its the bigger issue of chores. He claims he doesn't have any time for
chores after work because he's spending time with the baby, but this week no baby and no chores (not just the dishes, its just the dishes effect my ability to cook).

And yes to me its about creating the healthy pattern now, vs when the kid is a toddler.

I just was flabergasted he called eating at home a WANT.

I'm still flabbergasted that you would be alright with dishes sitting in the sink for a week.

 

[whtyger97]

Are you taking all the dirty dishes out of the sink each day to wash the baby bottles, then putting them back? If you're going to the trouble to rinse the dishes, just throw a little soap in them and go ahead and wash them. I personally, would use the dishwasher, and would DARE my husband to say anything

We have a medium sized plastic tub for the baby bottles to soak to keep all the small parts together.

 

[eliza61]

He sounds lazy. Not something I would want in a life partner

If he won't contribute in this tiny manner, I can't imagine what else he won't do.

It seems like a small thing, but it is a true indicator of his character, IMHO

she's just as bad Pumbaa. what about her character.

She's purposely allowing dirty dishes to pile up in some sort of mini tantrum.



this is the classic division of labor issue that every couple has to deal with.

Sorry op, both of you need to pull up the trousers and chat about what needs to be done.
No more passive aggressive moving dishes to one side, no more letting them sit for 2 weeks.

I'm with Marionette on this one. both of them are at fault.

Op, do you mind me asking, how long have you guys been married?

 

[marmalade]

It's very simple, do the dishes and make dinner. The thought that your DH would go as far as saying eating at home is a "want" just to get out of doing the dishes is ridiculous.

Put the dishes in the dishwasher, press run and be done (repeat daily).

 

[Reyes0702]

This may be far fetched comment but it sounds to me this wasn't an issue until you had the baby.

My experience with my ds10 was pretty much the same your schedule , routine is off. I grew resentful when my ds was born cause my dh didn't help much, less around the house. We lived w/ dh parents to help out with ds but then I noticed this worsen my dh laziness. We moved out not too long after and I basically told him to buckle down and help. Dual income/dual responsibilty. He changed a lot since then. Of course, we were still in the newlywed phase before ds was born so I was the perfect housewife, that was my bad, should have had expectations before.