Need vs Want

[trainingupmy4princes]

First off, I feel what needs to be addressed is his attitude. He wants things done a certain way but won't do them.

I am OCD about how things have to be folded to be put away so for years I put all the laundry away. Of course with 7 in the house it would pile up quicker then I could put it away. We literally have 8 laundry baskets to hold the laundry til it gets folded. Problem is with 2 of our 5 kids being special needs (autistic and sensory disorder) I was overwhelmed and needed help. Soo this year I let go,as long as it's folded so as not to wrinkle and not shoved in the drawer it can be done any which way, and everyone helps put away the laundry.

I would tell him that you will use the dishwasher if the dishes aren't washed within 1 hour of dinnner ending and I would definitely use real dishes. Unless we want our kids to live in a Wall-E looking world it is our responsibility to reduce waste. As far as the film on the dishes, dishware and glassware and silverware can be rinsed in hot water before using if he would like. I can assure you with sanirinse my dishes get way cleaner than by hand and kill more germs as I can only use so high a temperature hand washing.

The other issue is what seems to be a lack of wanting to help. I found that my DH would say he would do the kitchen with the older boys, they were around 10 then, after dinner but it never worked that way. I would take the 2 younger up and do bedtimes and get down and find dishes stacked in the sink still needing a good rinsing before loading, the table and chairs still needing wiped, and the floor needed sweeped. He would say he asked the kids to do it but didn't monitor to make sure things got done.

Hmm so now it was bedtime for them and by 10 I still had a kitchen to clean. So I simply changed things, he puts the 2 younger kids to bed and I just clean up the kitchen with the older boys, when their home which is rare these days, or by myself. He complains about always having to put the kids to bed but I just ignore it and go about the kitchen. It might be easier to find a different evening job for him and you do the kitchen. How about he bathes and puts the baby to bed or does a couple loads of laundry?

Either way, things need to change before you have a toddler on your hands. The kitchen needs to be kept clean and sanitary. And you need to work out your differences before the kids are old enough to hear the arguing as that is stressful for them. A mistake I wish I could change but I can only move forward.

I hope you and your DH can find a middle ground as marriages are hard with kids in the mix and you will need each other.

 

[Patience]

I agree with the others. Two weeks of dirty dishes in the sink is disgusting. If your dishwasher leaves a film, try changing your dishwasher soap. I've found there is a noticeable difference in how my dishes come out when I use a cheap dishwasher soap versus a more expensive one. I really like Finish tabs (the ones with a red ball). Dishes and the inside of the dishwasher come out sparkling. It does sound to me, however, like your husband's real problem with the dishwasher may be having to unload it because who would think washing two week old dirty dishes in the sink by hand is cleaner than washing them in a hot dishwasher? Unloading the dishwasher is not my favorite thing and around here we seem to fill up the dishwasher every single day, but it's a necessary chore to have a clean kitchen and house.

 

[stsomewhere]

Since the baby is only two months old, are you still off work? Maybe your husband feels that you should be doing more around the house? Maybe he does not understand that it is difficult to get anything done around the house while taking care of a baby.

When he gets home, he wants to relax and bond with the baby. that is understandable.

My husband hates doing chores around the house. It was very hard when both of us were working full time. I would end up doing most of them.

We decided when our son was 1 yr old that it would be best if I just stayed home. We knew that we wanted to have another child soon.

Fast forward, 16 yrs. Everytime I talk about getting a job, we decide it is not worth the extra money for us to fight about doing chores.

I just take care of what I can. It is easier now that my kids are in middle school and high school.



A baby is a big change. Let your husband stay home and take care of the baby and you can go grocery shopping. Have him take the baby for a walk, etc. You can clean.

I try to make a schedule of what needs to be done everyday. Somethings are everyday like dishes, wipe down counters, sweeping,i do a load or two of laundry eveyday, etc. Other things are once a week.

I make a to do list everyday. I cross things off as done. Some things get pushed back a day or two. My husband will look at the list and know what I want done. He picks what he wants to do to help out on the weekends.

As for the paper plates, if it is easier and saves your sanity. Just use them.

you need to run your dishwasher every day or every other.


ETA: Clean out your cupbaords . Leave 4 plates, 4 bowls, etc. If there are not a lot of dishes to use, you will be forced to wash them more and they won't pile up on he counters.

 

[usd2bmd]

What an entertaining thread.

OP, your DH is speaking in code, which I will now translate:

"I don't want to do the dishes. Don't ask me again. Ever."

that was my first thought too.

While we're on wants v. needs...You don't really NEED a husband, now do you?

I see a lot of judgements on here I think the op is just trying to get him to share the work load around the house. It will take time for you as a couple to get a good game plan down. I have been there, married at 19(both of us) in 2007. We have it worked out now and I'm proud of how much he's grown up. But honestly it took three to four years of disagreements and mess's left for longer then should have been to get us to find a middle ground. Just keep trying to get him to help but don't focus on it to much and hopefully he will come around.

Yes, but as much as I love the DIS, judgment is what is done best here.
I would be torn. I understand her wanting him to do them. It makes sense to share the chores and if she starts to do the dishes too it may set a precedent that all he has to do is come up with some lame excuse (and his excuse IS lame) to not do something and eventually she will do that too.

But I would have (before now) just put everything in the dishwasher. I would just let him know he has a choice the dishwasher or he washes them by hand but put a time limit on it. Sitting for two weeks is unacceptable.

Good luck.

 

[kaytieeldr]

In asking my husband to do the dishes which had been sitting in the sink for two weeks (I cook and grocery shop, he does dishes) because I need to be able to cook at home he informed me that cooking at home was a *WANT* and not a *NEED*

No. He doesn't. That should be immensely clear by now.

 

[Katy Belle]

Power struggle. He doesn't want to do the dishes. You were trying to wait him out.

What is more important to you...eating at home, or winning the battle of the dishes?

If it is really about him wanting to do nothing to help out, then you really have to have a heart to heart.

Good luck! Husbands can feel less important when babies arrive on the scene. I imagine you will work it out!

 

[kuhltiffany]

Ummm, do the dishes, shop for groceries, make dinner, and put the 10% in either a 401K or a vacation account. Good example for your child and a much better use of money!

 

[whtyger97]

Ummm, do the dishes, shop for groceries, make dinner, and put the 10% in either a 401K or a vacation account. Good example for your child and a much better use of money!

This is faulty logic because it assumes eating at home doesn't have a cost too! I love it when people forget that bringing food from home or eating at home while *much* cheaper than eating out still has a cost, realistically given what I would like are eating habits to be, food would still cost 5% of our gross pay (granted I would love 5% of our take home to go to Disney, we could have a nice vacation every year) My husband wouldn't suggest eating out if we weren't first funding retirement, we both consider that a *need* although we may vary in what % of income should be put away. We found the extra in the budget for daycare from the extra we were putting towards paying the house off early (still putting a little extra towards it but it's peanuts compared to before). We are also talking about putting up a fence and we said were going to trim the budget by $300 to help repay savings for this expense. I agree we are not on the same page about how that was going to happen, because I thought it was going to come from eating at home (and even doing cheap meals at home vs prepackaged/pre-made ones). We'll figure it out, if it was a black and white need vs want issue and the bills were in jeopardy of not being paid we'd eat beans and rice, luckily that's not the issue.

The dishes I described had been taken care of the night before I posted this. I only added that information for background because I've seen many a person post in other threads looking for more background information.

I agree that some posts have been judgmental, I'm a firm believer in if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything, but this is also a internet message board and somewhat to be expected, I wouldn't post if I didn't have a thick skin.
IMHO - Judgmental = That's disgusting or you're childish grow up
Helpful - I wouldn't personally let the dishes go that long, or think how that will impact the baby (which I am, thats why I'm trying to create the healthy pattern now)

I can handle advice I don't agree with or that points out *my* flaws, but being negative to be negative doesn't help anyone, except to maybe make the giver feel superior (I don't care personally, but I do see this alot on these boards and thought I would offer my constructive opinion)

We've been married 12 years, we'll work this out, its just finding a new rhythm with the baby.

I just would have never said eating at home is a *WANT* I'm so budget minded that something which saves so much money and is healthier vs the more expensive option is clearly the better choice and therefor a *NEED*

Funny enough I was reminded last night how good my DH is at the 'big stuff'. Washing machine wouldn't work last night and while we have an extended warranty (which it may or may not still be under) he decided to look at the problem. The door locking mechanism is busted $50 Part is on order and will be here Friday. We do save money by him being handy around the house.

 

[Aliceacc]

In asking my husband to do the dishes which had been sitting in the sink for two weeks (I cook and grocery shop, he does dishes) because I need to be able to cook at home he informed me that cooking at home was a *WANT* and not a *NEED*

Opinions? Because I just don't even know what to say to that.

Background - We have a history of eating out/fast food more than we should, which we justified by being Dual Income No Kids however we now have a two month old baby boy. I have done my best to minimize dishes, for example Caesar salad kit and chicken fingers is a decent dinner and only dirties two forks (we use paper plates, we have nice dishes but paper plates are so cheap i gave up that fight) or even less if there is plasticware in the house. Another meal would be a one skillet meal that dirties a pan+lid and two bowls to serve it in. Otherwise there is no way two weeks of dishes would fit in our tiny sink. I don't want to the dishes done everyday, twice or even once a week i could live with. We do own a dishwasher but he thinks it leaves a film on the dishes so prefers to hand wash the dishes.

Note: As we are now switching to bottles that creates even more to be cleaned, but those we are both taking turns daily to do and are not included in what we consider 'dishes'

I'm not suggesting we never get takeout/eatout but the default should be eat at home not takeout

Also we have a grocery store that for $5 you order online all your groceries and then drive up to the front to pick them up, so saying eating out saves us time on grocery shopping doesn't even count.

Eating out everyday would be about 10% of our gross pay to try to put it in perspective.

Let's say it's half as expensive to eat home as to eat out-- and I think it's a lot cheaper than that.

Putting half that 5% into a college fund would do wonders for your baby.

Putting the other half into retirement would do wonders for you and your husband.

It's tough being new parents, and realizing that so much in your life has changed. The workload increases exponentially.

 

[whtyger97]

Let's say it's half as expensive to eat home as to eat out-- and I think it's a lot cheaper than that.

Putting half that 5% into a college fund would do wonders for your baby.

Putting the other half into retirement would do wonders for you and your husband.

That would leave 0% for food in our budget, which is unrealistic -ETA: nevermind I misread that, sleep deprivation will do that too you

Retirement is being funded, honestly college education at the moment is not (but will be), we need to figure out the plan for the college fund (well plan B, because plan A is getting into the school my husband works for and going for free).

 

[Aliceacc]

No, I took half of the 10% you're spending and allotted it for food.

Anyway, gotta get to work-- the best of luck as you figure this out!

 

[whtyger97]

No, I took half of the 10% you're spending and allotted it for food.

Anyway, gotta get to work-- the best of luck as you figure this out!

I misread that

 

[Marionnette]

This is faulty logic because it assumes eating at home doesn't have a cost too! I love it when people forget that bringing food from home or eating at home while *much* cheaper than eating out still has a cost, realistically given what I would like are eating habits to be, food would still cost 5% of our gross pay (granted I would love 5% of our take home to go to Disney, we could have a nice vacation every year) My husband wouldn't suggest eating out if we weren't first funding retirement, we both consider that a *need* although we may vary in what % of income should be put away. We found the extra in the budget for daycare from the extra we were putting towards paying the house off early (still putting a little extra towards it but it's peanuts compared to before). We are also talking about putting up a fence and we said were going to trim the budget by $300 to help repay savings for this expense. I agree we are not on the same page about how that was going to happen, because I thought it was going to come from eating at home (and even doing cheap meals at home vs prepackaged/pre-made ones). We'll figure it out, if it was a black and white need vs want issue and the bills were in jeopardy of not being paid we'd eat beans and rice, luckily that's not the issue.

The dishes I described had been taken care of the night before I posted this. I only added that information for background because I've seen many a person post in other threads looking for more background information.

I agree that some posts have been judgmental, I'm a firm believer in if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything, but this is also a internet message board and somewhat to be expected, I wouldn't post if I didn't have a thick skin.
IMHO - Judgmental = That's disgusting or you're childish grow up
Helpful - I wouldn't personally let the dishes go that long, or think how that will impact the baby (which I am, thats why I'm trying to create the healthy pattern now)

I can handle advice I don't agree with or that points out *my* flaws, but being negative to be negative doesn't help anyone, except to maybe make the giver feel superior (I don't care personally, but I do see this alot on these boards and thought I would offer my constructive opinion)

We've been married 12 years, we'll work this out, its just finding a new rhythm with the baby.

I just would have never said eating at home is a *WANT* I'm so budget minded that something which saves so much money and is healthier vs the more expensive option is clearly the better choice and therefor a *NEED*

Funny enough I was reminded last night how good my DH is at the 'big stuff'. Washing machine wouldn't work last night and while we have an extended warranty (which it may or may not still be under) he decided to look at the problem. The door locking mechanism is busted $50 Part is on order and will be here Friday. We do save money by him being handy around the house.

smh

 

[nyrebecca]

So often I find myself happy I am not married. With that said....put the dishes in the dishwasher. Get some jetdry, lemishine, whatever and the film should be taken care of. If he doesn't like it...oh well, he doesn't appear to be stepping up to the plate.

 

[wallawallakids]

Seems like he just doesn't want to do the dishes, which I kinda do not understand because it takes all of like 2 min to throw them in the dishwasher, but to each their own.

Can you trade him something? Say "I see you do not like to do the dishes, so I will do it but then you take over the grocery shopping (or laundry, or whatever else you do that he can do)." Will that work? If not, then I guess I would suck it up and do the dishes. I am not one who cares about work being "even" though. My husband and I don't really have "jobs" each of us do per say. I do most of the stuff around the house inside, and he does most around the house outside (trash/ lawn etc.) But if there are dishes I haven't gotten to, he will do it. If the lawn hasn't been mowed in a while because he has been too busy, I will do it. (Although I have been known to make my son do it. ) But you get the picture. We are married, we share the duties. There are no "his"jobs or "my" jobs. There are just jobs that need to be done to maintain our home and our family. We share that burden.

Good luck, OP. I wish you the best and hope something works out for the two of you.

 

[HM]

No one likes to wash dishes at my house. No one. I try to put everything in the dishwasher that I can. I know it's not good to put pots and pans in, but I do it anyway. I use Finish Tabs...they work the best of anything I've tried. The few things that have to be done by hand generally don't get done right after dinner and wait until the next morning when I have a bit more energy.

And since I'm the one that cooks and grocery shops, I decide whether we eat in or take out for meals.

 

[Reyes0702]

We've been married 12 years, we'll work this out, its just finding a new rhythm with the baby.

I think I figured this was the case, a baby takes throws any couples rhythm. On a positive note you had suggestions from ladies with kids and would realize others had to find their way to where they are now, so you will too. I still will advice that you have a talk to establish the running of the house and not let this issue get worse. I am glad you can find a attribute to your husband that you can appreciate, this is the man you will spend the rest of your life with so thats important.

 

[ceecee]

Dishes aren't the real problem here. You both have issues!

YES! If in fact this is the case, it's a power struggle. In 25 years my DH has washed dishes very few times, I am faster and I don't mind it. I also work 2 days a week and he is full time. We have a dishwasher, but to me it's faster to wash them by hand. We are a family of 3 so not many dishes. Eating HEALTHY is a NEED which is hard to do eating out. Clean dishes are also a NEED!

 

[niffer5150]

i'd like to point out, this being a budget board and all, a tablespoon of food grade citric acid thrown in will probably keep the film off. phosphates were eliminated from dish soap a while back and since i have wicked hard water, it causes a gross chalky film. it's way cheaper than lemishine.

 

[threeboysmom]

In asking my husband to do the dishes which had been sitting in the sink for two weeks (I cook and grocery shop, he does dishes) because I need to be able to cook at home he informed me that cooking at home was a *WANT* and not a *NEED*

Haha, all I can say is I wish my husband had that same philosophy! I'd eat out every night if I could!!