Need vs Want

[SEA333]

What makes my relationship "tick" is treating my husband like an adult and expecting him to act like one.

To turn it around, how often does you husband thank you for doing the dishes or the laundry or the multitude of other daily things it takes to run a household?

I let go of A LOT of things for the good of the marriage/family - thanking an adult for doing an expected chore isn't one of them.

Well, I could decline to answer since I'm not on trial here, but since I am proud of what DH and I have built over the years, I have to say that he thanks me All The Time for everything I do. Even the small stuff. Its called appreciation. We have it for each other. We both understand that we both work hard. A lot of times he will say out of the blue "thank you for being such a good mom" when I do something that, to me, is ordinary. But he knows and I know why he says it and It means a LOT more than a surface thanks.

I've never even thought "I expect my DH to act like an adult and I will treat him like one". That sounds so sad to me. But I guess I can see how it needs to be thought in some relationahips. I'm glad its not neccessary in mine.

 

[Pigeon]

And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. If its not equal in the eyes of those who have "ladybits", its not right?

I stand by my belief that equal is in the eye of the beholder. If I can be saved from having to dispose of one mouse in a mousetrap my entire life, doing the dishes myself every single night more than equals out. And it doesn't take "manbits" to dispose of a mouse, but I sure am grateful that I have someone who would do it if he ever had to!

My DH and I are too busy trying to raise good kids to worry about keeping score. If the house is in decent shape, homeworks done, kids are bathed and happy, and my car runs at the end of the day, I don't really care who did what. I would never get myself something to eat as a lesson to be learned for DH. Hes my husband, not my kid. Its not my place to teach him consequences. That's what his mommy was for.

(Eta And unless you worked part time, im sure your DH getting up three hours earlier in the morning was no picnic either. On an equal 8 hour workday, just because one gets home earlier, why does that person have to be responsible for the evening meal? Did you worry about his breakfast since you got to start work later? Seems to be a doublestandard at play here. I get home 2 hours earlier than DH now, and rarely have dinner ready. But I start earlier than him, wake up earlier, and he takes kid responsibility in the am, and I take it in the pm. Homework, activities, chats about problems at school, etc all get in the way of me having dinner plans solidified b the time he gets home. I couldn't imagine him or i disrespecting each other by choosing to securing our own meal rather than looking out for each other.

But to each his own. Proud to say we have been together for 24 years and counting.

And I'm proud to have been with dh for 32 years and counting, so obviously this has nothing to do with the divorce rate. Expecting your partner to act like a partner and not a helpless child is not disrespect. Disrespect is expecting your wife to do the domestic drudgery because she happens to be female.

 

[buckirj1]

Not liking the gender roles and expectations starting to creep in. Setting my feminist teeth on edge.

 

[kamik86]

I think all relationships work differently on things like this.

Dishes for us get done around twice a week by me (because he can't load the dishwasher... really things bang together and don't get clean when he does it. Maybe its on purpose don't know don't care) it doesn't attract bugs. The only place I have an issue with those are in my garage and basement and the dishes aren't down there.

He does laundry since I do dishes.

However it has long been a rule that if he wants something specific that I haven't gotten to yet he has to wash it. So if he had friends over and used all the beer glasses yesterday and wants a drink from his growler he has to wash a glass. Same with clothes. I needed something specific washed for a business trip that I didn't get in the pile in time for his normal load so I had to do it.

 

[Dashzap]

however we now have a two month old baby boy.

Sorry if this has already been said, as I haven't read all the replies:

Is this really about the dishes?

Adding a child is a such a huge change in your relationship. It's only been two months.

Yes, there are things to work out, precedents to set.

But maybe, for now, get housecleaners that will do dishes too a couple of times a week. Or use paper plates for now. Don't ratchet up your anxiety and stress if you can help it.

 

[hsmamato2]

What makes my relationship "tick" is treating my husband like an adult and expecting him to act like one.

To turn it around, how often does you husband thank you for doing the dishes or the laundry or the multitude of other daily things it takes to run a household?

I let go of A LOT of things for the good of the marriage/family - thanking an adult for doing an expected chore isn't one of them.

I don't know.... I try to remember to thank my DH for the little things..... it seems like when I try to remember,he likewise goes out of his way to thank me all the little things- and FWIW ,in my long marriage, I have experienced the opposite effect also. When I go out of my way to treat the little things he does as "you should do it anyway" he tends to relate back to me the exact same way. I don't keep score, b/c he is WAY better at some small things, and I am better at others than he is. So when I am putting his socks away(yep) I never forget that he is also working and doing what he does.
I know I am always happier to do something when someone thanks me,even if they don't need to.(case in point, I make dinner nightly,and my 'guys' always thank me out loud,they're great that way)-far from perfect here, but I am learning...

 

[JanaDee]

I don't know.... I try to remember to thank my DH for the little things..... it seems like when I try to remember,he likewise goes out of his way to thank me all the little things- and FWIW ,in my long marriage, I have experienced the opposite effect also. When I go out of my way to treat the little things he does as "you should do it anyway" he tends to relate back to me the exact same way. I don't keep score, b/c he is WAY better at some small things, and I am better at others than he is. So when I am putting his socks away(yep) I never forget that he is also working and doing what he does.
I know I am always happier to do something when someone thanks me,even if they don't need to.(case in point, I make dinner nightly,and my 'guys' always thank me out loud,they're great that way)-far from perfect here, but I am learning...

I said in an earlier post I do thank my husband for doing things. Putting his socks away isn't one of them.

 

[JanaDee]

And I'm proud to have been with dh for 32 years and counting, so obviously this has nothing to do with the divorce rate. Expecting your partner to act like a partner and not a helpless child is not disrespect. Disrespect is expecting your wife to do the domestic drudgery because she happens to be female.

And people wonder why we have so many men that act like children?

But I've only been married for 18 years, so what do I know?

 

[okeydokey]

I believe that op's point is "you catch more bees with honey than vinegar"

No matter how you do it or for what reason, thanking someone even for little things gets you a lot farther than being snotty about it. I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean that she grovels at his feet everytime he puts his socks away.

It is amazing to me how many women here are more interested in a scorecard than figuring out what makes their relationships tick and are unwilling to let go on a thing ot two for the good of their family/marriage.

(Now i'll sit back and wait for everyone to backpedal about how awesome they"really" treat their husbands)

What makes your relationship tick may be different than what makes other people's relationships tick. Your sanctimonious attitude wouldn't "tick" in my relationship.

 

[SEA333]

What makes your relationship tick may be different than what makes other people's relationships tick. Your sanctimonious attitude wouldn't "tick" in my relationship.

Neither would your sarcasm or name calling in mine (well, unless it was really funny). I bet a well-timed thank you from you to your partner for something small wouldnt go unnoticed, though.

No sanctimonious attitude here, just 24 years of hard work at a relationship that we both committed to, having come from families where all parents bailed on not only each other, but pretty much left us kids to fend for ourselves and our young siblings at an early age as well (and by early, I mean 12 years old.)

I had the unlucky luxury of witnessing perfect, textbook examples of what *not* to do in a relationship. And taking an "I'm only out for myself" attitude (like buying or making myself dinner only in order to teach my husband a lesson) is a perfect example of what both sets of my and DH's parents would do. Glad it works for some, but it didn't work for mine, and I don't intend on seeing if it will work in my relationahip. Ill go for the opposite -kindness, communication, and teamwork - and see if that gets us another 24 years. Its kind of sad that this is considered to be sanctimonious. I think its just being a nice person.

Like I said previously (and somewhat sanctimoniously, I guess) "To each their own."

 

[SEA333]

And I'm proud to have been with dh for 32 years and counting, so obviously this has nothing to do with the divorce rate. Expecting your partner to act like a partner and not a helpless child is not disrespect. Disrespect is expecting your wife to do the domestic drudgery because she happens to be female.

So I am even more intriqued now. You shouldn't be expected to come home at 6pm and make dinner, but he Is expected to come home at 3pm and have it ready and waiting for you? What if you were the 3pm person...and he demanded that YOU had dinnner for him at 6pm. You both just worked 8 hours. Would it then be fair of him to make a one portion meal and eat it in front of you while saying to you to pull your big girl panties up and grow up and start acting like an adult?

And, still curious....*did* you wake up 3 hours early every morning to have breakfast ready??

 

[robinb]

So I am even more intriqued now. You shouldn't be expected to come home at 6pm and make dinner, but he Is expected to come home at 3pm and have it ready and waiting for you? What if you were the 3pm person...and he demanded that YOU had dinnner for him at 6pm. You both just worked 8 hours. Would it then be fair of him to make a one portion meal and eat it in front of you while saying to you to pull your big girl panties up and grow up and start acting like an adult?

And, still curious....*did* you wake up 3 hours early every morning to have breakfast ready??

Now who is trying to keep score? Of another person's relationship no less!

 

[Pigeon]

So I am even more intriqued now. You shouldn't be expected to come home at 6pm and make dinner, but he Is expected to come home at 3pm and have it ready and waiting for you? What if you were the 3pm person...and he demanded that YOU had dinnner for him at 6pm. You both just worked 8 hours. Would it then be fair of him to make a one portion meal and eat it in front of you while saying to you to pull your big girl panties up and grow up and start acting like an adult?

And, still curious....*did* you wake up 3 hours early every morning to have breakfast ready??

He worked fewer hours than I did at that time, not that I need to justify myself to you.

I did expect him to get dinner started at least half the time, considering he was home to do it, rather than sit around waiting for the non-existent housekeeper to do it. He worked Saturday mornings and I generally had lunch ready when he got home on Saturday or else we would go out.

We have never routinely had breakfast together other than Sundays. Over the years with different work schedules, sometimes he has been up first, sometimes I have been up first. But we don't make a thing about breakfast. When we have had work schedules where I am home first, I have been the one to get dinner started at least half of the time.

 

[barkley]

So I am even more intriqued now. You shouldn't be expected to come home at 6pm and make dinner, but he Is expected to come home at 3pm and have it ready and waiting for you? What if you were the 3pm person...and he demanded that YOU had dinnner for him at 6pm. You both just worked 8 hours. Would it then be fair of him to make a one portion meal and eat it in front of you while saying to you to pull your big girl panties up and grow up and start acting like an adult?

And, still curious....*did* you wake up 3 hours early every morning to have breakfast ready??

dh and I worked a similar schedule for several years-I was the 3 p.m. person, he the 6 p.m.. weeknights I always had dinner ready when he got home but it was no big deal because we worked together on the planning and preparation.

after we would eat dinner we would figure out what we were having the next night-anything like veggies that could be cut up ahead of time was done, any meat was pulled to defrost (he put it in the fridge the next morning/if needed cut it up or deboned). we pulled non perishable ingredients out and had them at the ready. it took very little with all that done ahead of time. some days we would do the same prep work w/him throwing it all in the croc pot, setting up the bread maker before he left for work so everything was done when I walked in the door.

 

[lauradis]

What makes my relationship "tick" is treating my husband like an adult and expecting him to act like one.

To turn it around, how often does you husband thank you for doing the dishes or the laundry or the multitude of other daily things it takes to run a household?

I let go of A LOT of things for the good of the marriage/family - thanking an adult for doing an expected chore isn't one of them.

The answer would be my husband thanks me a lot for all the small things I do for him.

Its not fake he really enjoys it.

See I do treat him like an adult that I love and cherish dearly.

I refuse to play all the games that most woman do or treat him wrong for not doing 50/50 house hold chores.

 

[marmalade]

Did the dishes ever get done?

 

[ScottOKW2K]

Did the dishes ever get done?

3 pages ago, post # 93. It got lost in all the noise .

 

[JanaDee]

The answer would be my husband thanks me a lot for all the small things I do for him.

Its not fake he really enjoys it.

See I do treat him like an adult that I love and cherish dearly.

I refuse to play all the games that most woman do or treat him wrong for not doing 50/50 house hold chores.

You are jumping to many incorrect conclusions.

 

[DisneyHardin]

He worked fewer hours than I did at that time, not that I need to justify myself to you.

I did expect him to get dinner started at least half the time, considering he was home to do it, rather than sit around waiting for the non-existent housekeeper to do it. He worked Saturday mornings and I generally had lunch ready when he got home on Saturday or else we would go out.

We have never routinely had breakfast together other than Sundays. Over the years with different work schedules, sometimes he has been up first, sometimes I have been up first. But we don't make a thing about breakfast. When we have had work schedules where I am home first, I have been the one to get dinner started at least half of the time.

I think you are totally justified in being upset. My husband works a lot less hours than I do and gets home long before I do, but like yours, I am still 100% in charge of dinner. I get tired of it, but his idea of planning dinner is either a restaurant or pizza and since I don't want to spend the money, I just cook.

 

[robinb]

The answer would be my husband thanks me a lot for all the small things I do for him.

Its not fake he really enjoys it.

See I do treat him like an adult that I love and cherish dearly.

I refuse to play all the games that most woman do or treat him wrong for not doing 50/50 house hold chores.

You are jumping to many incorrect conclusions.

I agree. Lauradis, you are certainly entitled to live your life the way that you wish and if you wish to live a life that follows traditional gender roles for women and men, knock yourself out! If you want to suggest that OP live that life as well since it makes you happy, go for it! But where you and I part ways is when you belittle women who do not agree with you by saying they swallow "fem koolaid", accuse them of "playing games" and treating their husbands "wrong" and insinuate that they do not love and cherish them dearly. Frankly, I think you need to give a little respect to people who do not live the same life you do if you expect them to respect you in return.