Should I pay for my college student?

[Kristie Smith]

But this isn't a vacation really. It's a celebration. If you were going with just the younger daughter, and couldn't afford the oldest daughter, that would be one thing. But you are paying for a friend to go. That is where it becomes unfair to your older daughter.

Yes, except we paid for one of her friend's to go when she graduated high school too.

 

[clutter]

Honestly, I'm not sure that the two are connected. Its a family trip. Do you want her, yes or no? What will you do in years going forward? For both of your girls? Will this be the last ever vacation you will pay for with dd2 as well? If you want her to go, and she wants to come, then it seems that you should work out something with her that works, not just for her now, but for her sister in future years as well. If you use the grades as the reason, what will you do if she buckles down next year and does well?

As for school, that's a separate issue. Are you co-signing her loans? Are you funding any of her education? Is anyone, or is she doing all that on her own? If you are funding any of her costs or signing loans, then you have a consequence for the grades. If you don't take her and she pulls her grades up, then what are you going to do?

I'm just now seeing the connection between the two - especially if you are not paying for her education.

 

[DisBabe94]

I think you should pay for your older daughter

I think for me, because younger DD went on older DD's grad trip, not paying for her would be akin to a punishment to the older daughter just because she is older. Like a punishment of circumstance. This is obviously a family celebration. Younger DD gets both grad trips paid, but older DD only gets her own paid?

The situation comes across as if you know that she deserves to come along, but are angry with her for her college performance and want validation that it's a solid reason to leave her out financially. However, unless you had specifically linked this vacation to her grades in the past, then it could seem vindictive to her that you would choose this as a way to "punish" her. That's just my perspective as somebody with a few sisters.

 

[Kristie Smith]

I don't think this is just regular mom guilt that led you to post this here. My first question on reading page one was whether your younger daughter's father was your current husband since you mentioned the "fully paid" Mexican vacation for your eldest. The ways you subtly shade your eldest aren't limited to your understandable frustrations with her poor choices. If a stranger on a discussion board notices that, what kinds of things is she picking up on?

Your feelings are jangling over this because you know this is very liable to be a flash point. This girl is not in a good place. I have daughters very nearly the same ages. My number one priority in your shoes would be to make very sure there are no underlying issues needing to be addressed to help my kid course correct.

Not quite sure what you are trying to say. I love both of my daughters unconditionally and they know that. And honestly I am closer to my oldest than my youngest right now. Probably because she is older and has gone through some tough times these past couple years because she is 8 hours away from home and still gets homesick. Not to mention some of the things college life has presented her. My husband and I have always said that when they graduate high school, they pay their own way for vacations. Her real dad, which I get along great with, does things different than we do and he still pays for the vacations he takes her on. I was just simply saying he doesn't expect her to pay for anything when i said "fully paid". I think you might be reading into it too much. Yes, we have told them they need to pay but now that the time is coming, I feel bad about it.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Honestly, I'm not sure that the two are connected. Its a family trip. Do you want her, yes or no? What will you do in years going forward? For both of your girls? Will this be the last ever vacation you will pay for with dd2 as well? If you want her to go, and she wants to come, then it seems that you should work out something with her that works, not just for her now, but for her sister in future years as well. If you use the grades as the reason, what will you do if she buckles down next year and does well?

As for school, that's a separate issue. Are you co-signing her loans? Are you funding any of her education? Is anyone, or is she doing all that on her own? If you are funding any of her costs or signing loans, then you have a consequence for the grades. If you don't take her and she pulls her grades up, then what are you going to do?

I'm just now seeing the connection between the two - especially if you are not paying for her education.

Yes we are helping pay for college. Which is why I've been frustrated with her for losing her financial aid. By losing that, we pay more. I guess it when it comes to the Disneyland trip the reason that the two are entangled is because I feel like she doesn't appreciate what has been done for her thus far, then why should she be rewarded with a fully paid trip. I want her to go but I don't necessarily want to fit the bill. I like what others have recommended by splitting it. That way I don't feel like I'm rewarding poor behavior and she learns how to put some effort into it. At the same time do I separate the two and just treat it as a celebration for her sister. If I do that, when does she learn consequences for some of her actions? Or do I just let life teach her those things? If we keep paying for things, I feel like they will never learn...

 

[Kristie Smith]

I think you should pay for your older daughter

I think for me, because younger DD went on older DD's grad trip, not paying for her would be akin to a punishment to the older daughter just because she is older. Like a punishment of circumstance. This is obviously a family celebration. Younger DD gets both grad trips paid, but older DD only gets her own paid?

The situation comes across as if you know that she deserves to come along, but are angry with her for her college performance and want validation that it's a solid reason to leave her out financially. However, unless you had specifically linked this vacation to her grades in the past, then it could seem vindictive to her that you would choose this as a way to "punish" her. That's just my perspective as somebody with a few sisters.

Totally understand! Thanks

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Struggling in college has nothing to do with being a member of the family. Kids mature at different rates and she is having a tough time getting her act together.

The bottom line is, this is a family trip and she is part of your family. Her sister got to go on her graduation trip, I imagine she is fully expecting to go along on this one.

ETA: I guess in answer to the question, should you pay? Yes. You know there is no way she can afford that. Not paying would basically be same as not inviting her.

I agree. If your D is still a member of your household (meaning she does not live on her own outside of college semesters) and has no other obligations, then I think it would be a slap in the face to not be invited.
But I am also of the belief that jobs are important and IF she has an opportunity for a job or Internship that comes first!

Time flies by, let me tell you. FIVE years ago, the 4 of us (D was 22, son was 19) went on a 5 night camping trip upstate. I slept in a tent ( I don't sleep in tents) but I knew it would be one of the last vacations ever with us 4. I was right!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I would take her. And pay. Period.

You know she can't afford to go unless you pay. And you took her sister on when it was the older girl's senior trip.

 

[HelloTheDrakes]

How far off is the trip? Could she get a part-time job and make enough money to go before the trip? If not, could you pay for room/tickets and her pay for travel and spending money? If so, it could help her realize she could use a part-time job to save for it and then after the trip, use it to not have to keep taking out such hefty loans.

I watched my friends take out extra money for living expenses in college....they now feel completely overwhelmed paying off those loans. IT was such needless amounts of money at the time when they could have used part-time jobs to supplement money. Perhaps it could be a tool to push her towards a part time job as an incentive.

(This coming from a girl who lost her financial aid first year, then got a job and focused much more after. So, I am projecting, but with good reason.)

 

[sksjasams]

How far off is the trip? Could she get a part-time job and make enough money to go before the trip? If not, could you pay for room/tickets and her pay for travel and spending money? If so, it could help her realize she could use a part-time job to save for it and then after the trip, use it to not have to keep taking out such hefty loans.

I watched my friends take out extra money for living expenses in college....they now feel completely overwhelmed paying off those loans. IT was such needless amounts of money at the time when they could have used part-time jobs to supplement money. Perhaps it could be a tool to push her towards a part time job as an incentive.

(This coming from a girl who lost her financial aid first year, then got a job and focused much more after. So, I am projecting, but with good reason.)

Older DD is already working part-time. Working more hours will not help her to do better in school.

 

[FireflyTrance]

I also think you should pay for her. If she is struggling in school that is something that needs to be addressed. But not paying for her trip is a totally different issue in my mind. My mom still paid for my vacations in college (not that I recall many vacations then, but I think I went on at least one.) I did have a part time job but that only covered basic necessities like food and clothing. I never could have afforded a vacation, but I would have felt excluded if not invited when my younger sister got to go. College can be tough and I think invited her helps her to know she is part of the family and has support. I also had a few bad grades in college, not because I wasn't trying but because I really struggled with math.

 

[HelloTheDrakes]

Older DD is already working part-time. Working more hours will not help her to do better in school.

I apologize, I thought somewhere I read she didn't have a part-time job and therefore based my comments on that. I totally agree, more than part time would not help her do better in school.

I'm glad you mentioned she changed her major. Hopefully that will yield a more focused student and therefore, better grades.

 

[Christine]

Any chance her biological father would chip in for the trip just so she could go?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Honestly I think we're well past the age of IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE NO DISNEYLAND FOR YOU!!! aren't we?
I will add that You only have so many opportunities. And when they're gone, they're gone. And for you, your opportunities are dwindling. It's almost time for her to have her own life, her own family, and her own vacations.

I'd pay and address the grades and debt issue separately.

I never understood why I'd see some band parents at the first meeting, and never see them again at concerts, competitions, fund raisers, or football games. You only have so many opportunities. Fewer than you think if you actually count them up. And when they're gone they're gone.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I don't think this is just regular mom guilt that led you to post this here. My first question on reading page one was whether your younger daughter's father was your current husband since you mentioned the "fully paid" Mexican vacation for your eldest. The ways you subtly shade your eldest aren't limited to your understandable frustrations with her poor choices. If a stranger on a discussion board notices that, what kinds of things is she picking up on?

Your feelings are jangling over this because you know this is very liable to be a flash point. This girl is not in a good place. I have daughters very nearly the same ages. My number one priority in your shoes would be to make very sure there are no underlying issues needing to be addressed to help my kid course correct.

I don't think it came across as shade so much as trying to find reasons to justify the decision.

I do agree with your second paragraph. I floundered a bit for awhile in college because I was unhappy-I wasn't interested in what I was studying and felt forced down the college path. I was probably mildly depressed and "partied" my way through while just maintaining exactly enough in school. There was no discussion-you do x or you pay. My relationship with my parents was very on the rocks because of all this.

That said, missing out on family vacations were never part of a consequences for my choices. Family vacations (while often to fun destinations) were not a reward for me but family time. Punishing a child for poor choices by not including them in family time is wrong imo (this isn't spring break in Cancun with friends paid by parents, it to celebrate her younger sister with family).

Though if family vacations after high school have always been off the table, that's ok. It just seems like there's more going on here.

 

[clutter]

Yes we are helping pay for college. Which is why I've been frustrated with her for losing her financial aid. By losing that, we pay more. I guess it when it comes to the Disneyland trip the reason that the two are entangled is because I feel like she doesn't appreciate what has been done for her thus far, then why should she be rewarded with a fully paid trip. I want her to go but I don't necessarily want to fit the bill. I like what others have recommended by splitting it. That way I don't feel like I'm rewarding poor behavior and she learns how to put some effort into it. At the same time do I separate the two and just treat it as a celebration for her sister. If I do that, when does she learn consequences for some of her actions? Or do I just let life teach her those things? If we keep paying for things, I feel like they will never learn...

I would pay for her for a family trip - she is family no matter what.

As for school, first of all, with regard to the bold - um nope. Give her some options, such as: 1) We fund the extra for one more semester. Get a x.xx next semester, or you have to figure it out on your own 2) find a job in your college town (usually cheaper to live and easy to get roommates) and support yourself except health insurance 3) move home and get a job and contribute to the household. I agree, maybe changing her major will help.

I really think that you need to untangle the two. If the trip wasn't on the books, would you the grades and the additional cost?

 

[mom2rtk]

Do you want her to take more loans just so she can go to Disneyland? Because that's essentially what will happen if you want her to pay her own way.

You paid for sister to go on her trip. I think you need to pay for this one.

Your mistake was in promising to pay a friend's way if you couldn't afford to pay your own child's way.

Have a talk with her and make sure she knows how important it is to get the grades up this year. And tell her this is the last family vacation you are paying for.

 

[smiths02]

Yes we are helping pay for college. Which is why I've been frustrated with her for losing her financial aid. By losing that, we pay more. I guess it when it comes to the Disneyland trip the reason that the two are entangled is because I feel like she doesn't appreciate what has been done for her thus far, then why should she be rewarded with a fully paid trip. I want her to go but I don't necessarily want to fit the bill. I like what others have recommended by splitting it. That way I don't feel like I'm rewarding poor behavior and she learns how to put some effort into it. At the same time do I separate the two and just treat it as a celebration for her sister. If I do that, when does she learn consequences for some of her actions? Or do I just let life teach her those things? If we keep paying for things, I feel like they will never learn...

I keep hearing that you maybe can't afford the older one. I am also hearing that her losing financial aid is directly impacting your ability to take her on this vacation. If those things are really the case, then, no, I don't think you have to take her, but I would have an adult conversation about finances. Heck, my 11 year old wanted (and kind of needed) a new computer for his 10th birthday, so we had a discussion that he would not have a party that year but we would put money towards the computer. His siblings had there birthday party that year (but got inexpensive gifts). There were no ill feelings because we explained. It wasn't a punishment it was a financial reality.

Personally, I would pay for my older child to go in this situation if I could. It would not be tied to school performance except if paying more for college made it not feasible financially.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Please know that there is nothing more going on here...I haven't told her that she can't go because of her performance in school. That is something I'm having a hard time with. I also remember being that age and college isn't always easy. It is something I think about but I have never made her feel bad because of her grades. I think she is hard enough on herself for that. We have helped her pay for college which is one of the reasons we put vacations on them once they graduate hs. Vacations cost money and so does college. This is more of a question of what would you do in my circumstance. Ultimately I will have to decide what to do. Not looking for validation, just wondering what others would do in my position. I do appreciate all the input though. Some things I haven't thought of have been brought up so it helps me look at it differently as well.

 

[Kristie Smith]

I keep hearing that you maybe can't afford the older one. I am also hearing that her losing financial aid is directly impacting your ability to take her on this vacation. If those things are really the case, then, no, I don't think you have to take her, but I would have an adult conversation about finances. Heck, my 11 year old wanted (and kind of needed) a new computer for his 10th birthday, so we had a discussion that he would not have a party that year but we would put money towards the computer. His siblings had there birthday party that year (but got inexpensive gifts). There were no ill feelings because we explained. It wasn't a punishment it was a financial reality.

Personally, I would pay for my older child to go in this situation if I could. It would not be tied to school performance except if paying more for college made it not feasible financially.

Thank You!