Should I pay for my college student?

[Kristie Smith]

Do you want her to take more loans just so she can go to Disneyland? Because that's essentially what will happen if you want her to pay her own way.

You paid for sister to go on her trip. I think you need to pay for this one.

Your mistake was in promising to pay a friend's way if you couldn't afford to pay your own child's way.

Have a talk with her and make sure she knows how important it is to get the grades up this year. And tell her this is the last family vacation you are paying for.

No, I don't want her to take out more loans.

We paid for one of her friends to go when she graduated 2 years ago.

Definitely need to have a chat with her about school and considering paying her way although we would probably have to use a credit card to do so. That hasn't stopped me before but we have worked really hard paying them off.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Any chance her biological father would chip in for the trip just so she could go?

Possibly, yes!

 

[clutter]

Just want to say good luck! And I hope your dd turns her grades around. You say she is actually hard on herself about it. Originally, it sounded like she was enjoying herself too much. But if she's really working at it - that's a different ball of wax. There are some majors - engineering and pre-med and accounting come to mind - that the first two years are designed to weed kids out. So if she is in such a situation, then hopefully changing majors will help. And she was being pretty tenacious to keep fighting for a second year.

 

[Kristie Smith]

She's hard on herself in the respect that she feels guilty for making some bad decisions. She was also in a major she thought she would enjoy but it turns out she didn't and it was harder than she thought it would be. Her new major is one I feel she will flourish in because it's a subject she has always done well in. It all depends on how much effort she puts in. Thanks for the well wishes. I'll figure it out, I just like to hear what others would do. Helps me look at it from different directions. Sometimes we get stuck in the way we think about things.

 

[powellrj]

I never understood why I'd see some band parents at the first meeting, and never see them again at concerts, competitions, fund raisers, or football games. You only have so many opportunities. Fewer than you think if you actually count them up. And when they're gone they're gone.

This was DH and I with our last 2 kids. We were caring for dying parents and didn't have the time or the money to attend all of their show choir performances, drama club, games... We were working full-time, the only caregivers for our parents, so these were just added expenses in time and money. $18 x 3 plus lunch and gas money for a show choir contest was several hours we could use to pay a caregiver and have time to get home and get some laundry caught up. I am really surprised how many other people my age are in the same position.

Back to OP. My youngest 2 are 26 and 21. If we were to go on a family vacation, we would pay for everything except spending money for the 21 year old and some of the expenses for the 26 year old if he wanted to go. He has already graduated from college and is working and living at home, so he has more money available. The 21 year old is still in college and only works part-time.

The 21 year old changed her major and did so much better. She was happier and her grades sky rocketed. She had kept her scholarships, but with her new major, she excelled. Can you make a deal with the older child that you will pay for more of the trip expenses if she does better in her classes? You think things will get easier when they get older, but that just isn't the case!

 

[Kristie Smith]

This was DH and I with our last 2 kids. We were caring for dying parents and didn't have the time or the money to attend all of their show choir performances, drama club, games... We were working full-time, the only caregivers for our parents, so these were just added expenses in time and money. $18 x 3 plus lunch and gas money for a show choir contest was several hours we could use to pay a caregiver and have time to get home and get some laundry caught up. I am really surprised how many other people my age are in the same position.

Back to OP. My youngest 2 are 26 and 21. If we were to go on a family vacation, we would pay for everything except spending money for the 21 year old and some of the expenses for the 26 year old if he wanted to go. He has already graduated from college and is working and living at home, so he has more money available. The 21 year old is still in college and only works part-time.

The 21 year old changed her major and did so much better. She was happier and her grades sky rocketed. She had kept her scholarships, but with her new major, she excelled. Can you make a deal with the older child that you will pay for more of the trip expenses if she does better in her classes? You think things will get easier when they get older, but that just isn't the case!

That is encouraging to hear. I have thought about doing that but I'm trying to decide if I keep them entirely seperate. I wonder if telling her we will no longer help pay for college if her grades don't improve is a better way to go on that one. She does work part time and will get money for her birthday. Maybe if I tell her she needs to pay for her ticket and spending money we will pay for the hotel and food. That would be more reasonable for her rather than expecting her to pay for all of her part.

 

[powellrj]

I think making her pay for part of the trip sounds like a good plan!

As for changing her major, I hope it helps as much as it helped DD. Her first major she wasn't prepared for because they didn't offer many of the classes that the other kids had already taken in HS because she went to such a small school and the classes were limited. Once she changed her mood changed, she got an on campus job and just really seemed to excel. She has been on the deans list every semester.

Good Luck!

 

[lanejudy]

I would suggest you ponder this question: is the DL trip a family vacation or is a DL trip how our family celebrates high school graduation?

If it's a family vacation, and you stated you have always told the kids that you'll stop paying for vacations after HS grad, then don't pay for older DD. If this is how your family celebrates HS grad, then it's not fair to exclude a family member. How does younger DD feel? If this has been anticipated as the way your family celebrates, wouldn't she want her older sister to be part of her celebration? She may well have been anticipating this celebration since you set the precedent with the older sibling. (as one of the younger children in the family, I can say that once I was a teen vacations definitely felt different without the older ones -- it happens and nobody was intentionally excluded other than they were out of college and even married, so family vacations changed, but it never felt like a "family vacation" once we reached that point)

A PP makes a decidedly good point to consider as well...do you really want her to spend her loan money on vacation and incur more debt for college? If you are continuing to help the older daughter pay for college but she's not pulling her act together, I'd have a serious sit-down over that issue and discuss that she has XX time until you pull the financial help. She may need to take a year or two off to get it together and save money, try supporting herself, etc. It'll be a wake-up call for sure. But I wouldn't tie grade performance and school loans to a family celebration.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

This was DH and I with our last 2 kids. We were caring for dying parents and didn't have the time or the money to attend all of their show choir performances, drama club, games... We were working full-time, the only caregivers for our parents, so these were just added expenses in time and money. $18 x 3 plus lunch and gas money for a show choir contest was several hours we could use to pay a caregiver and have time to get home and get some laundry caught up. I am really surprised how many other people my age are in the same position.

Back to OP. My youngest 2 are 26 and 21. If we were to go on a family vacation, we would pay for everything except spending money for the 21 year old and some of the expenses for the 26 year old if he wanted to go. He has already graduated from college and is working and living at home, so he has more money available. The 21 year old is still in college and only works part-time.

The 21 year old changed her major and did so much better. She was happier and her grades sky rocketed. She had kept her scholarships, but with her new major, she excelled. Can you make a deal with the older child that you will pay for more of the trip expenses if she does better in her classes? You think things will get easier when they get older, but that just isn't the case!

There may have been one or two parents that had issues comparable to yours. But I darn well know it wasn't all of them that didn't show up or even most of them. The vast majority of those not showing up could have made time, but didn't. There's nothing wrong with that. But in the end like I said. There are only so many chances and when they are gone, they are gone.

 

[Poohforyou]

I think if your younger daughter went on her sister's trip than you should pay for your older daughter. Did your older daughter get to bring a friend?

I have an only child but I have siblings and things have always been equal in our family.

Your older daughter not doing well and having to take more loans should be a separate situation from this.

Just my opinion.

 

[Wendy31]

In your position, I would figure out a way to pay for both of my daughters to go on the trip to celebrate your younger daughter's graduation. Your older daughter is not just your daughter - she's also your younger daughter's sister.

College, in my mind, is a separate issue from this particular trip. Your older daughter, as a part of your immediate family, should be included.

My parents continued to pay for vacations for my sister & me all the way through college. We'll do the same for our children. I can't imagine not including one of my children in a family vacation just because they're in college.

Life is very short. Your children are w/ you for only a short amount of time. It would be different if your older daughter was older & truly on her own.

We know a set of parents that started making their 2 children (twins) pay for everything once they graduated high school (even pay rent to continue living at home). If they wanted to go on vacation, they had to pay their own way. The summer after their freshman year of college, the parents went to the beach, but only one of the twins had enough money to go. The other stayed home alone. After high school, they have never had another "family" vacation - which is sad to me.

 

[RangerPooh]

Tough call. Perhaps the first thing to do is find out if she wants to go? Knowing this you can decide on whether or not to pay for her portion of the trip. If needed you can also set parameters such as she has to pay for her own ticket but you'll pay for the room and food.

If you feel the need to give her tough love about financial and academic responsibility you can include stipulations. Such as if she brings up her grades for both fall and spring semesters that you'll pay for everything, except spending money. However if she performs poorly than she's on the hook for her own ticket (and food) but you'll pay for the room. Ultimately it sounds like you need to have a talk with her about your expectations now that she's an adult.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I haven't read the thread (sorry) but will throw in my opinion as a mom with one currently in uni and one just finishing highschool next week:

I am generally good with having vacations with just the younger one living at home. After all, oldest got the same numebr of years living at home having fmaily vacations as youngest will. We've taken several trips in the past two years while oldest is away at school (school schedules do not mesh) and I do not feel it is fair or right that the younger one be denied trips in the last two years of highschool to accomidate the oldests' schedule.

That said-----if each child got a graduation trip and each included a friend, then if the youngest was along for that when the oldest graduated, I feel like the oldest should be along for that now as well. That's different than a regular vacation IMO

 

[Wishing on a star]

In most cases, yes.... I can see myself, today, paying for, or helping to pay for, a nice getaway vacation for my son, and even possibly his long-term girlfriend, who will be his fiance.
I just don't see the whole, automatic... "You are 18, so too bad so sad" argument!
Does a kid not become as much a member of the family after their 18th birthday and/or graduation?

But, to the OP, in this case, it sounds more complex.
It sounds like she got a trip with her dad (and stepmom?) that younger (half?) sister did not go on.
It sounds like you are putting a lot of money into keeping her in college.
Things are not always totally 'equal'.
Life is not always 'fair'.

While I absolutely hate the automatic, you are 18, so... sorry.... That truly sounds like an eff off....
I do not know one single 18/19 year old here who could begin to have the funds... much less the expendiale money, while they are faced with figuring out to get started in their lives.
In this case, I do not think that there is a clear mandate that you pay for her to be included.
It really is a personal, and tough, call!

 

[Kristie Smith]

I think if your younger daughter went on her sister's trip than you should pay for your older daughter. Did your older daughter get to bring a friend?

I have an only child but I have siblings and things have always been equal in our family.

Your older daughter not doing well and having to take more loans should be a separate situation from this.

Just my opinion.

We payed for my older daughter's friend when she graduated high school 2 years ago. It was her senior trip and this will by my youngest daughter's senior trip as well. My youngest has always been kind of in the shadow of her sister and is looking forward to this being her trip with her friend. She wouldn't care if her sister went but won't be heartbroken if she doesn't go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but the post just above mine is making no sense????

 

[bethy]

Well for our family there is no such thing as a "senior trip" in the first place - I have younger children and that is a new concept for me.

That said if we were taking a family vacation and my 20 year old wanted to come with us I'd pay for her over a friend no question.

For me the college thing is a separate issue esp if there hasn't been any discussion beforehand about it being related to the trip. For me, nurturing a relationship with my 20 year old would possibly help in the long term navigation of the college issues . . . So it would be an investment in several ways for me personally.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Bethy, I think 'Senior Trips' are fairly common.
If the young adults do not plan a group senior trip on their own, this is sometimes done by inviting the best friend(s) on a trip with the parents/family.
In that case, I think the focus would be on the senior.

I would have liked to do this with our son!
But, he had people begging him to start work, and started a full time job, with benefits, a vehicle, etc... as soon as he got that document in his hands.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Sorry, but the post just above mine is making no sense????

I think I get it op feel free to correct me

She is saying it's the younger sisters turn to be in the spotlight but it woul be heart breaking if the sister did not go

 

[NHdisneylover]

Sorry, but the post just above mine is making no sense????

I'm not sure why---I'Ve reread it and fixed two minor typos, but nothing that should have made it incomprehensible.

Basically, as a general rule I think it is perfectly reasonable to travel with children still living at home and not those off at college. Why? Well one reason is that the one older child(ren) got a full 18 ish years of family vacations. The xounger will then also get a full 18ish years of family vacations. If the family travelled less to accomidate bringing along the college student, then teh yougner child would actually have fwer vacations while growing up than the older did.

That said, in this case it is a graduation trip. not a normal vacation. The oldest's graduation trip included both a friend and her sibling so i think that should be the case now. Unless the family truly canNOT afford it (and it is only 2 years later).

I hpe that clear it up Wishing on a Star

I'll add:

I think either way is probably OK though. However, if it were me, and if the oldest is not invited I'd tell her as soon as possible so she isn't assuming she'll be included and getitng excited about it and I would make it about finances and not about her grades, etc.

The oldest's issues with college and not doign well, losing scholarships, etc is a seperate issue which sounds like somethign which very much needs addressed, but I personally do not think that issue should play into the family planning for the gradaution trip.