Disrespectful comment ??

[NHdisneylover]

I am one of the posters who think the OP was totally out of line for making that vcomment to her daughter infront of the boyfirend (and to a 19 year old, that ocmment is pretty much out of line all together. I oculd maybe see if she was going with you to a work event, etc and you pulled her aside and said "Mr SO-SO is really conservative; I know you're an adult but will you humor me and button your shirt higher?" but NOT ever if she is going out without you.)

I think the boyfriend's motive was probably:

a. humor to break the tension of OP's totally out of line comment--in which case it is 100% acceptable

b. intentionally meant to push OP's buttons. Given how very much OP clearly hates him and how many htings she has done to make that clear (speaking to his mother wbaout why her DD should not be going to the surgey!, etc) I think, while not the best tract to take, it IS understandable.

OP--reading through your threads, I have to say I am surprised your DD keeps coming home on breaks. HOnestly. I think you mean the best for her and love her but you need to learn to let go before you push her out of your life forever.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, I think he was being disrespectful, even if it was a joke. I've been married for 16 years, and my dh wouldn't even joke like that in front of my father.
We are a pretty sarcastic bunch, however we also know the correct time and place to joke, and in front of parents, joking about "goodies hanging out" is not the right place. Save it for eachother when you leave the house, don't do it in front of me, and never ever do it in front of my dh or it may be the last time you see those goodies

 

[Tiger926]

I am one of the posters who think the OP was totally out of line for making that vcomment to her daughter infront of the boyfirend (and to a 19 year old, that ocmment is pretty much out of line all together. I oculd maybe see if she was going with you to a work event, etc and you pulled her aside and said "Mr SO-SO is really conservative; I know you're an adult but will you humor me and button your shirt higher?" but NOT ever if she is going out without you.)

I think the boyfriend's motive was probably:

a. humor to break the tension of OP's totally out of line comment--in which case it is 100% acceptable

b. intentionally meant to push OP's buttons. Given how very much OP clearly hates him and how many htings she has done to make that clear (speaking to his mother wbaout why her DD should not be going to the surgey!, etc) I think, while not the best tract to take, it IS understandable.

OP--reading through your threads, I have to say I am surprised your DD keeps coming home on breaks. HOnestly. I think you mean the best for her and love her but you need to learn to let go before you push her out of your life forever.

I totally agree! OP's daughter is 19, so I'm pretty sure she had her shirt exactly where she wanted it.

If OP felt the need to talk to her about it, then she should have done it in private. I'm not buying that she didn't see the boyfriend, as she wants us to believe in subsequent posts.

Although with the amount of disdain and contempt she seems to have for him, she probably didn't actually see him standing there anyway as she seems to wish he wasn't around anyway.

Based on this thread, and other threads, it seems as if OP has boundary and control issues, IMHO.

Interesting thread, Tiger

 

[castmember19]

I will say that as much as I agree that the BF's comment was a joke, not disrespectful and that the whole thing is being blown out of proportion, I don't think it's terrible for a mother to casually make a comment about her adult daughters shirt. Even my mom will still occasionally say, "button another button!" It's not like she makes me go back and change the shirt, but she will comment and I attribute it to just being a motherly thing to do.

 

[Bob NC]

How come absolutely every.dang.comment that is made must be classified as respectful or disrespectful?

Crap, I hear people claiming you disrespected them by saying "Hi" in an improper tone.

Can anyone ever just say something inappropriate or stupid without it being turned into a "dis"?

Sorry, this is a pet peeve that really grates on me.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am choosing to simply answer how I feel about this. I know that the OP has has several additional threads but I don't want to play instant replay in order to justify an opinion.

How old are they?
Depending on age, I think it was more disrespectful of you to embarrass your daughter in front of her boyfriend. You could have pulled her aside and told her to button her shirt.

You demonstrated disrespect and you got it right back.

If you want to be treated with respect, the number one rule is to treat others with respect first.

In my home disrespectful snarky remarks are just that. If I asked my DD to button up another button and I believed that we were not being overheard by someone else I would not be happy if some snotnosed punk even joked that my DD was "showing off her goods". I do treat people respectfully and my DD is not ever to be refered to as a grocery shelf so that some jerk and check out her buns. If my 6' 6" DH heard that comment, joke or not, . The end result would be that the boy would not be degrading our DD in our home again.

If the boyfriend thinks the daughter was showin' off the goods...well, that about sez it all.

In more ways than one, I am afraid

You would really try to control how a 19 year old dresses and who she dates? Have you had a 19 year old? Cause good luck with that.

I had a 19 YO and no, I did not control how she dressed. I also did not control who she dated. I did have an expectation of behavior in my home, I still do. While I am aware that kids can do and say what they please elsewhere I also expect that when in my presence they mind how they speak. I also would feel that I had failed miserably if my DD was okay that a boy discussed her in front of me as if she was a piece of goods. I also would be ashamed of my sons if either one talked about a girl they were with like that, especially in front of the girls parents.

I think that there is a lot more going on in the OP's relationship with her DD but in my life there is a time and place for off color remarks. My sons and their friends never used any profanity in front of me. When a young lady did the teens looked at her and my DS told her that no one should talk like that in front of his Mom. I was not a fool then and am not one now. I know that they were not prissy when I was not around but I had taught my children that they needed to be aware of the people around them and respect their feelings. Now, in their 30's they all still do.

I guess I am a little shocked that a parent would be okay if a boyfriend talked about a DD that way.

 

[mrsklamc]

I had a 19 YO and no, I did not control how she dressed. I also did not control who she dated. I did have an expectation of behavior in my home, I still do.

I'm not saying you shouldn't. I was responding to a particular poster who thought that they control a 19 year old. ("My daughter would have been told to change the shirt or lose the boyfriend.") Please do not quote me out of context.

 

[luvmy3]

How come absolutely every.dang.comment that is made must be classified as respectful or disrespectful?

Crap, I hear people claiming you disrespected them by saying "Hi" in an improper tone.

Can anyone ever just say something inappropriate or stupid without it being turned into a "dis"?

Sorry, this is a pet peeve that really grates on me.

There is a difference between personally dissing someone and being just plain ole' disrespectful because you aren't smart enough to figure out when not to say something innapropriate.
Personally, I wouldn't find a BF joking about my dd's body parts in a sexual way a personal dis to me, but I certainly find it disrespectful in general, and I don't care if they 19 or 39. Could you imagine if everyone just walked around saying stuff like that, because they were being "funny" or "stupid"? I expect a 9 year old to not have a filter and not be able to judge whether something is appropriate for the situation, however I would from a 19 year old. Obvious this boy is lacking in that capacity.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm not saying you shouldn't. I was responding to a particular poster who thought that they control a 19 year old. ("My daughter would have been told to change the shirt or lose the boyfriend.") Please do not quote me out of context.

I know. I don't think any teen, 15 or 19 would take well to that kind of ultimatum. I should have been more careful in my quotes. I'm sorry.

 

[TLSnell1981]

My dd's exBF made a comment to her (not in front of us) about our going out of town. The rule was because we would be out of town, no boys in the house. She told me she mentioned this to him and his reply was, "We'll see about that." And *bam* he got the boot. I didn't even have to say a word. He could have been acting big for all we know but she didn't take to kindly to him saying it.

Smart girl.

We were out, with friends and family, one evening. My youngest daughter was 22 at the time... She was wearing a strapless dress, not too revealing..appropriate for the venue. A young man (her age group) who was an acquaintance...began to look her up and down.. No need for us to say a word. DD said, "I can't BELIEVE, you are checking me out IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS. You obviously have no respect.... much less any class AND zero sense!" (that's my girl )

I read OP to my 17 DGD. I didn't get to "acceptable or unacceptable", before her eyes popped out of her head and her jaw hit the floor... Basically, she said "the jerk wouldn't come into their home again." All the while, my 14 DGD was giggling, "what an idiot".

Oh, I also read this to my oldest daughter, who rolled her eyes and laughed. "Uh Mom, do you even have to ask?"

I'm surprised, how many think, it's funny and okay. I havent read, OP's posts, regarding "the boyfriend". There's obviously, a bit of strain in the relationship (OP & DB). I do believe, the comment was deliberate and meant to be rude and disrespectful.

 

[FayeW]

Personally, I think the OP may have misheard the boyfriend's comment, I think he may have said "showing off the GIRLS", not GOODS, but since only the three of them were there we'll have to take the OP's word for it.

Either way, I don't think it was disrespectful, and would take it as the joke it was meant to be.

 

[Momvic5]

Personally, I think the boyfriend was crudely stating exactly what his girlfriend was doing. If her shirt was exposing too much skin - to the point that mom felt she needed to point it out in front of him - then she probably was trying to "show off her goods". The comment was crude and disrespectful but was probably the truth about what she was doing. I think I would be more upset with my daughter for disrespecting herself and me than I would the boyfriend and his stupid comment. The disrespect started with the daughter(for choosing to show off too much skin)and the mom(for making it an issue in front of BF), IMHO.

 

[Mandyjg20]

First the op said she said it in front of the boyfriend, then she said she did not know he was there??
At 19 I knew exactly how to show the goods and I did, my mom never said anything to me about it. I was an adult. Its not like I was walking around with a whole **** hanging out, it was a little cleveage; which if one button on ops daughter would have fixed the situation; thats all it was.
Also I think the comment was just a joke. Hell I would have said showing my goods again then laughed if my mom would have said something to me. We have an open relationship where I am able to discuss, joke, complain about sexual things to her, she would be ok with a boyfriend of 6 months saying something like that also..because it is not all that sexual once again. Its not like he said well she shows me so much more than that.
When my daughter is 19 and she has had a stable boyfriend and something like that is said will I feel disrespected, no i wont..why because I know my daughter will have self respect for herself, I know I raised my daughter to not be disrespected by her boyfriend. A joking manner about something she was showing and was meaning to show is not that big of deal.