A wedding gift WWYD

[bumbershoot]

Wonder why you never see invitations that say,
"We already have everything we need that a couple would normally receive as a wedding gift.
We don't expect you to finance our lives by giving us money.
All we want is for you to come celebrate our wedding with us."

I wanted to but my friends and family revolted against it. So I made the registry, told people about it when they asked what we wanted, and always said that we didn't expect gifts at all (said that first and gave more info when it was scoffed at).

But really, having any mention of gifts in the invite shouldn't be done. Even a mention of no gifts.

Heck, if going by strict etiquette, old school stuff, we wouldn't include a stamped envelope for the RSVP because by including that we are stating that we do not think our guests can afford stamps. It's possible even including the RSVP shows that we do not think our guests are savvy enough to know they should RSVP and that we don't think they have the paper or knowledge to do so.

I have some interesting people in my life can you tell? First wedding related purchases I made were the serious etiquette books so I had the "right way" on my side. Since I had no mom to field all the calls and TS not like she knew these things either....

 

[eyor44]

We have actually decided to go ahead and give them the luggage as originally planned.

The gift was selected because we truly wanted to give them something that was personal and well thought out. Despite the odd family relations, our intent was to give a gift that we felt would be enjoyed for years to come. We really do wish them a long and happy life together. I hope that long and happy life includes some fun adventures as they navigate the world together. They will need luggage for that.

I don't see wanting to give a personal gift (versus a cheque or cash) as not being humble .

I realize they have directly asked for money. Had we received those instructions before we purchased the gift, we probably would have conceded and given them the cash they asked for. Hopefully, they will eventually find the luggage to be the blessing we hope it will be. If they don't....well....I'm not going to fret about it.

I also truly hope that two grown adults will not have "hard feelings" about not receiving cash versus a gift (which I thought was a nice gift) for their wedding.

IMO, anyone who does not appreciate the thoughtfulness of a personally selected gift lacks in class and manners.

My children have been taught from a very young age to appreciate the gift and thank the giver geuinely, even if they already have the gift. My DD is especially good at this. If she receives two of the same doll, she will thank both excitedly and say "Thank you both so much. Look, I have twins!"

When I received 3 blenders at my shower, and someone mentioned having to take 2 back, I asked why. Now I had a spare if one happened to break or if I need to do a lot of baking.

Give the luggage. I'll bet they are happy to receive it.

 

[aprilpeter]

I think, today most of the people prefer to take money gifts rather than Crockery and Cutlery. I agree that Asking for money gifts is little tacky but people can do it with the help of cash registry without being rude. I also prefer to give money gifts as the bride and groom can purchase the thing what they want. As you have already bought the luggage bags you just talk to your sister and give them what you purchased for them.

 

[kymom99]

IMO, anyone who does not appreciate the thoughtfulness of a personally selected gift lacks in class and manners.

My children have been taught from a very young age to appreciate the gift and thank the giver geuinely, even if they already have the gift. My DD is especially good at this. If she receives two of the same doll, she will thank both excitedly and say "Thank you both so much. Look, I have twins!"

When I received 3 blenders at my shower, and someone mentioned having to take 2 back, I asked why. Now I had a spare if one happened to break or if I need to do a lot of baking.

Give the luggage. I'll bet they are happy to receive it.

I totally agree with this. I don't know when it became acceptable to expect certain amounts or only money for gifts. I am not that flippin old so it hasn't been a custom for so many years to only give money. I think the reason people stopped going out and selecting a gift is because they have to wrap them and lug them to the wedding. When I got married, the store where I registered gift wrapped and delivered free. I got package after package on my parents' doorstep of wonderful things I still use today. I also got a table full of nice gifts at the wedding.

I am looking at this thread and the one about the gift calculator and I am appalled. I would never in a million years give a friend's child a $250 wedding gift as suggested by that calculator, even if I could afford it. And why does someone who made up some random calculator become the wedding gift guru? It is in extremely poor taste to make someone feel guilty or unwelcomed because their gift didn't meet the expectations of the wedding couple. If people want to give money, that is great. If they want to give a personal gift, that should be fine too.

I am tying the two threads together because they have a common theme. People are making up their own rules and criticizing people for not following them. Just because people say you should do something a certain way doesn't make them right.

Give the luggage and be proud of the fact that you took the time and thought to find a gift they would like and need.

 

[Metsfan520]

I addressed this in one of my above replies. I didn't think to get a gift receipt as it was a unique enough gift that we didn't anticipate her getting a duplicate. We did not foresee that they would specifically request no gifts, just cash. My bad.

Gift receipts are also great if something goes wrong with the item (bad zipper, etc.)

and while I agree that asking for money is tacky, and I know you've decided to give them the luggage anyway, I'm still going to throw in my 2 cents. I'd take the luggage back & give them money. Maybe he has luggage, maybe she bought herself some since she borrowed yours, maybe the set isn't to their taste.

 

[dancin Disney style]

This isn't an average sibling relationship, in the sense that DH is not close to his five brothers and sisters. They (as well as his parents) have precious little to do with DH, myself, and our DS. Unfortunately, I am the main reason why.....I am not from their specific cultural background, I am not religious enough for their liking, and I am not traditional enough for their tastes (I only had one child, which is taboo for their cultural beliefs, and I work outside of the home). The rest of the siblings have married the "right" people with the "right" heritage and the "right" religious commitment.

Well, isn't the big guy quite the rebel. Of course you forced him to break with tradition

As to the gift...money thing. It is NEVER appropriate to ask for money as a gift. In these types of bride/groom circumstances what is appropriate is to ask for a donation to a charity or to say that they will be accepting good wishes only. Give the luggage and feel good about giving a nice gift!

A friend of mine was just remarried this summer and when I asked her what they would like for a gift, her answer was this.....'just you being with me on my day'.

 

[pfp258]

I am just wondering how you got a nice 4 piece set of luggage for $75. Even with the discount ( and 50-60% is typical at stores like Macy's) you spent less than $20 a bag. I bought two new suitcases this summer for our Disney Cruise and each suitcase cost me $225 ( and that was with at a 55% discount.) These are mid range Samsonite 28 inch bags. Not top of the line.

 

[ceecee]

Give the luggage, and include a note:

Here is your gift,
We thought of you
You asked for cash
That much is true
But cash is generic
and we wanted to show
what you mean to us
and how we want your love to grow
so use this luggage
for travels far and near
and remember always
to hold each other dear.

Great poem!!! I remember most of the gifts I got for my wedding, 24 years ago and don't know what we did with the cash. Most people got us gifts. My childhood neighbor lady passed away this year and I am still using the towel sets she gave us. Our wedding photo is on the dresser in the frame one of DH's friends gave us. We use the chip and dip set from my sister every holiday. Great memories.

 

[pfp258]

Ok really.....a 24 year old towel set?

 

[kymom99]

My teacher friend asked the kids in my class to bring in a small donation and bought me a personalized picture frame from them. She had a little "wedding shower" with a cake and gift from the kids. Needless to say, I still have the frame with a favorite wedding picture in it. So very thoughtful!

And I have no trouble believing a good set of towels can last 24 years.

 

[Tinkerbellebride]

If I were you I would go back to the store and ask for a gift receipt and if they can't give you one give them the luggage and if they don't like it they can take the luggage back without the receipt and get the value that it currently is selling for.

 

[Mickey'sApprentice]

Marriage is a life long commitment. For somebody who has put up with inlaws for 20+ years...take the luggage back.

They might like the luggage more, but there is no risk in giving the cash. Trust me, inlaws can go on and on about some little thing for YEARS. Get them clean, crisp new bills and put it in a nice card. If they complain about it, you can smugly tell them that it was their idea and not yours!

 

[crisi]

Ok really.....a 24 year old towel set?

I have some from my first marriage - and I've been with this husband for twenty years. So yea, a twenty four year old towel set. They were really nice towels when I got them, and they are now in the kids bathroom as the "Mom! There aren't towels in here!" towels.

 

[crisi]

Great poem!!! I remember most of the gifts I got for my wedding, 24 years ago and don't know what we did with the cash. Most people got us gifts. My childhood neighbor lady passed away this year and I am still using the towel sets she gave us. Our wedding photo is on the dresser in the frame one of DH's friends gave us. We use the chip and dip set from my sister every holiday. Great memories.

We got a set of nerf guns with a note that said "We hope you don't fight, but when you do, these will come in handy." By far my favorite gift and thinking of it still makes me smile - The guns did get trashed by the kids years later though. There are things that I use twenty years later that I remember who gave it to us - the crystal pitcher I bring out for holidays - thanks Aunt Shirley. I have this beautiful crystal vase from my husband's former boss, who then passed away - it is so incredibly "us" and very thoughtful. Tableclothes I pull out every holiday from my husband's aunt. Wine glasses from a college professor of mine I haven't seen in a decade.

The thing with the OPs gift - she KNOWS they need luggage. It isn't a waste, and in fact, she might be a little tired of loaning her sister her luggage. Its an appropriate gift, one her sister will likely get a lot of use out of, its thoughtful and PERSONAL.

 

[darnheather]

Unbelievably rude and tacky. I don't care if it is a "trend" or the "in-thing". Most people have more than they need. Obviously they aren't hurting for money. If you knew they were going to have trouble paying the electricity bill in the dead of winter I could understand your turmoil over luggage versus cash, but these people don't sound like the type.

Last year I floated the idea of asking parents not to bring gifts to my Izzy's birthday and they all said I was being ridiculous. Honestly, we just wanted to share her special day and she has so much already. But it was fun for the kids to watch her unwrap what they'd brought and the parents I could tell got a kick out of her cries of delight.

If these "adults" can't be grateful for what they are given then give them nothing. My sister got married 25 years ago and was given multiples of some items. Instead of returning or complaining she simply tucked them away. When cash was low and she needed to give a gift she would pull out one of the extra toasters, or if the crockpot got broken she had a spare. And she still remembers exactly who gave her each thing.

 

[ariel71]

I am just wondering how you got a nice 4 piece set of luggage for $75. Even with the discount ( and 50-60% is typical at stores like Macy's) you spent less than $20 a bag. I bought two new suitcases this summer for our Disney Cruise and each suitcase cost me $225 ( and that was with at a 55% discount.) These are mid range Samsonite 28 inch bags. Not top of the line.

Gift receipts are also great if something goes wrong with the item (bad zipper, etc.)
and while I agree that asking for money is tacky, and I know you've decided to give them the luggage anyway, I'm still going to throw in my 2 cents. I'd take the luggage back & give them money. Maybe he has luggage, maybe she bought herself some since she borrowed yours, maybe the set isn't to their taste.

Let me preface this by saying that I agree that asking for cash is tacky. That said, I would not give someone luggage unless I knew exactly what they were looking for. As pfp258 says, I have a hard time thinking that $200 (without the discount) for four pieces is a "quality" set of luggage. Secondly, all of Metsfan520 points are valid - the groom might have luggage or the style isn't to their taste.

When I buy luggage, I'm interested in all kinds of characteristics - size, quality, color, etc. If I'm going to buy a new piece, I do quite a bit of research on ebags first. I want something with very good reviews, soft-sided, fairly light weight, expandable, recessed wheels, no spinners, outside and inside pockets, "goes" with pieces I already have, and sturdy zippers, handles, and wheels. I travel quite a bit so things like that have proven to be important. Some may say that's picky, but I need function over form and I know what works for me and the type of travel I do.

I would rather get nothing than have someone spend money on a gift that won't be used. Not because I'm being a brat but because I recognize the value of people's money and hate to see it not provide the enjoyment it deserves.

If you know where they're going on their honeymoon, how about arranging a special dinner, a room upgrade, or paying for a touring or sightseeing event they may be interested in?

 

[dansamy]

No, $200/4pcs isn't a "nice" or "high quality" set. It's a basic set. For people going on a trip and they don't have luggage.

 

[aubriee]

Great poem!!! I remember most of the gifts I got for my wedding, 24 years ago and don't know what we did with the cash. Most people got us gifts. My childhood neighbor lady passed away this year and I am still using the towel sets she gave us. Our wedding photo is on the dresser in the frame one of DH's friends gave us. We use the chip and dip set from my sister every holiday. Great memories.

There are things that I use twenty years later that I remember who gave it to us - the crystal pitcher I bring out for holidays - thanks Aunt Shirley. I have this beautiful crystal vase from my husband's former boss, who then passed away - it is so incredibly "us" and very thoughtful. Tableclothes I pull out every holiday from my husband's aunt. Wine glasses from a college professor of mine I haven't seen in a decade.

The thing with the OPs gift - she KNOWS they need luggage. It isn't a waste, and in fact, she might be a little tired of loaning her sister her luggage. Its an appropriate gift, one her sister will likely get a lot of use out of, its thoughtful and PERSONAL.

I agree! This thread reminds me of gifts I received at my wedding 37 years ago next month. My favorites were from my grandmother. She didn't have much money, but I was her favorite grandchild and she wanted to get me something well thought out and special, so she spent months just picking up odd things here and there that she knew we would need and gave them to us in a huge unwrapped box. It has so many things in it that opening it was like opening a treasure chest. None were that expensive, just well thought out and practical for the most part. She died 23 years ago this month, but I'm still using that set of stainless steel mixing bowls, a pair of really heavy brown glass bowls, two pretty cut glass bowls, a pretty ceramic watermelon bowl, wooden spoons, old style metal measuring cups and spoons, old timey cut glass salt and pepper shakers, gravy bowl, pretty clear glass pitcher, metal whisks, and ceramic jar for kitchen utensils she got me 37 years ago. I orignally had our wedding picture in the cut glass frame she had in that box, but later put pictures of my kids in it, and now it holds my eldest son's wedding picture. It seems like I can't bake anything without reaching for that huge stainless steel mixing bowl she gave me so many years ago. I have other mixing bowls, but always seem to reach for the largest or the middle size one in that old set she gave me. I used them for me and my husband when we were just a couple, as our sons were growing up, and now I'm baking for my grandkids, using those same old metal mixing bowls. I know I received some cash gifts back then too, but have no idea what we spent that money on. The odd assortment of gifts that my grandmother thought out so carefully I still have and use daily. Gifts are meant be given from the heart.

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

Wow.....way more replies to this thread than I ever anticipated. Thanks to all for your opinions (even if I don't necessarily agree).

For those worried about the durability of the luggage.....I didn't say it was "high end". I did say it was a "quality" set. Its a brand name I am sure the bride and groom will recognize. Yay me for getting in on a FAB sale, right place/right time. Yes its a four piece set, however only two of the four pieces are larger cases, while the other two are small (one carry on, one matching "bag"). Will they last 20 years? Probably not. But they are certainly sufficient enough, IMHO, to carry their belongings on some fun adventures in the initial years of their marriage. We spent what we were comfortable spending on a couple whom we will only see at the obligatory family holidays from here onward, and quite honestly, in our area a $75 wedding gift is considered thoughtful and generous....but we are small-town Canada where our cost of living (and wages) are far below the major city centers.

I am not afraid of annoying or offending the inlaws by deviating from their demands . Trust me, my existence has accomplished that enough . I have been married into this family for 20 years. Yep, they like to drag up stuff from the past and remind me of my inadequacies.....but that won't stop, luggage or cash.

You know what would have been interesting? (because I have one of those statistic-lovin', fact-driven brains) For all of the replies above.........it would have been nice to know some demographics of the various responders. Things like age and where you live (city vs. rural). Just because I'm curious if that is a driving force in how people view what should be done. Hmmmm.....something to think about .

Having celebrated our 20th anniversary on May 1st of this year, I can also attest to the fact that I still have certain items (including a set or two of towels ) from our wedding. I still have the blender we received from an aunt and uncle. I still have the crock pot from my Grandma. I still have the most God-awful homely floral pitcher that I received from my boss at the time. Things do last, if you take care of them.

 

[kymom99]

Just because you wondered, I am 48 and live in NKY.

I feel that people take the "personal" out of gifts now. Gift cards are great, but awfully easy to pick up and give to just about anyone. Really, people who give cash often don't want the hassle of going out and shopping for a gift. I have been guilty of it, so I am not faulting anyone, just making an observation. If people begin to "expect" cash, it doesn't mean we have to give it. As many have stated, a gift is about the thought behind it.

Sorry about your inlaws!