VandVsmama
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2011
- Messages
- 8,835
Story time!
I'm not looking for advice really. Just want to complain because it's cheaper to do that here than pay a therapist and all of our extra $$ is going to pay for ODD's college right now.
This tale is about my DH's aunt & uncle, who I'll just refer to as Aunt and Uncle.
We love Aunt & Uncle very much. In their heart of hearts, they're good people. But oh my stars, in the last 10 years, they've become SO self absorbed. There's always been a strain of "All About Me" with them, but these past 2 years really take the cake.
(background)
Back in Aug 2023, my MIL was dying of uterine cancer. She died at the start of Labor Day weekend that year. Word to the wise: go to the gynecologist for regular check ups. Don't do what she did and avoid the lady doctor for 30 yr. From diagnosis to death, it was a few weeks. Once diagnosis was known, MIL said she wanted hospice care & no cancer treatment. DH notified Aunt & Uncle right away because he knew they'd want to come out here to visit her 1 last time. They were notified in early August. Took them until the end of the month to come. Aunt & Uncle were both retired at the time, had no obligations or anywhere they had to be.
Fast forward to end of Aug 2023, Aunt & Uncle arrived. They're very frugal (always have been), didn't want to pay to stay in a hotel nearby, demanded last minute to stay at MIL's house. Ok fine, but don't bring your cat into the house (MIL had 2 cats, which were being looked after daily by 1 of MIL's church friends).
MIL lived ~1.5 hr from us. During the entire ordeal, DH did almost daily 3 hr round trips to the hospital, and later to the assisted living/hospice care facility. live. Super stressful. Focus was on MIL, keeping her comfortable, dealing with care management challenges and all that goes with that.
Aunt & Uncle asked if they could stay in MIL's house. But didn't ask until they were a couple of hours away. Ok fine. Go for it, but hey - we've had to focus on MIL's care needs, not doing a deep clean of her house in case somebody might spend the night there. Aunt & Uncle said no problem, we don't care. Great. DH met them at the house, gave them a key.
Some antics from their 4-day stay:
A few months ago, Uncle said he & Aunt are planning on going on an epic 1+ month road trip in their RV/camper van...the camper van that they've been living in for the past 2 years...the last year of which they've had it parked at a campground near the beach in southern CA (this is self-imposed, btw. They have plenty of $$ to afford a condo, townhouse, or small retirement home somewhere; they choose to live in a camper van for now). So yeah, they're livin' in a van down by the river. Their road trip sounds great...they want to stop for a couple of days to visit us, they're stopping a couple of places in TX to visit some of Aunt's relatives, stopping for a few days in FL to visit a friend, and also going to TN because Aunt wants to do some geneology research.
Great.
Orig. plan: trip starts in Jan. Now it's late March. When is trip starting? What dates will they be here? They don't know. Uncle called yesterday. They're not sure if they'll be able to leave before mid-April. And, in fact, they don't really know for sure WHEN exactly their trip will begin.
We live in an HOA. A lot of developments in AZ are in HOA. If you have an RV, camper, camper van, etc & you want to park it in front of your house for a couple of days, that's allowed but you have to request permission ahead of time. Has to be for specific dates. Normal HOA stuff.
So like we saw back in 2023, Uncle thinks rules shouldn't apply to him.
"But can't you just tell them that we don't know when we'll arrive?" No, that's not how it works.
"Oh I'm sure if you ask they'll make an exception." No, they won't. Maybe you should plan on reserving a spot at an RV park somewhere nearby or stay at a hotel.
Aunt "can't handle the heat." Will "die of heat stroke if she's too hot." Guess what? It's going to be 96 today, 86 tomorrow at my house. What does "too hot" mean for Aunt? Above 80 degrees.
So why in the world are they choosing to start their trip at a time of year when it's warming up literally everywhere?
Like, you should have come here 2 months ago. It's now the time of year here when all of the snowbirds are LEAVING for cooler climates elsewhere. And THIS is when Aunt & Uncle are finally getting started...the Aunt who will "die of heat stroke."
They also want DH & I to crank the A/C in our home down to 70 degrees. When it's 70 degrees here, we have sweatshirts on and are cold. Besides, all of the A/C repair people in our area have said that you shouldn't have your A/C that low, especially if you've got ceiling fans in each room like we do, because the A/C unit will poop out and die. You know what we have our A/C set at in our house? 82. With ceiling fans set on high + the low humidity we have here, it feels like 77 in the house and I'm using a blanket.
So I suggested to Uncle that instead of stopping to visit us, they should consider driving through AZ on the northern route, taking I-40 through Flagstaff, then Albuquerque...it'll be cooler up there and they'll see some lovely scenery. Oh no, they won't be doing that. They really want to see us. Great, we'd love to see you, too, but you can't bring your cat here into the house (we have a 7 yr old cat & a 16 yr old cat and you're not going to disrupt my senior kitty's retirement sanctuary) and it's not going to be 72 like it is in San Diego and it's not going to be 70 inside my house.
But YDD has class during the day (she's in high school). DH & I work full time. And Aunt & Uncle can't tell us exactly how many days they'll be here or what their arrival date will be. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! LOL
Oh and hey, Uncle, don't come the last weekend of April because DH will be out of town.
Don't come the week after Easter because I have mandatory days in person in the office all that week because of a big work event going on.
Don't come Mother's Day weekend because DH will be at ODD's college to help her move out of the dorm.
Everything involving this Aunt & Uncle ends up being complicated, full of drama. They're always late to everything. And expect the rest of the world to cater to their demands. I've lost count the # of times I've heard Uncle say, "You don't understand. It's so hard because ___," when everything that comes after the "because" is stuff that's occurred because they, themselves, have created the crazy complicated situation they're in at the time. ALL of it is self-imposed.
Feels like I have to gird my loins in preparation for an upcoming battle or something. Sorry, folks, but I've been adulting for awhile now, too, and what you're expecting and demanding is not reasonable. And no, we won't be doing it your way. This isn't Burger King.
If you've made it this far and it feels like you need a cocktail, yeah...you're right. here's a virtual one! -->
Thanks for listening and thanks for the cheap therapy.
And if anybody thinks that we should just accommodate their demands in order to get along, give me your address. I'll have Aunt & Uncle stop by your place on their road trip and you, too, can experience it first hand. LOL.
I'm not looking for advice really. Just want to complain because it's cheaper to do that here than pay a therapist and all of our extra $$ is going to pay for ODD's college right now.
This tale is about my DH's aunt & uncle, who I'll just refer to as Aunt and Uncle.We love Aunt & Uncle very much. In their heart of hearts, they're good people. But oh my stars, in the last 10 years, they've become SO self absorbed. There's always been a strain of "All About Me" with them, but these past 2 years really take the cake.
(background)
Back in Aug 2023, my MIL was dying of uterine cancer. She died at the start of Labor Day weekend that year. Word to the wise: go to the gynecologist for regular check ups. Don't do what she did and avoid the lady doctor for 30 yr. From diagnosis to death, it was a few weeks. Once diagnosis was known, MIL said she wanted hospice care & no cancer treatment. DH notified Aunt & Uncle right away because he knew they'd want to come out here to visit her 1 last time. They were notified in early August. Took them until the end of the month to come. Aunt & Uncle were both retired at the time, had no obligations or anywhere they had to be.
Fast forward to end of Aug 2023, Aunt & Uncle arrived. They're very frugal (always have been), didn't want to pay to stay in a hotel nearby, demanded last minute to stay at MIL's house. Ok fine, but don't bring your cat into the house (MIL had 2 cats, which were being looked after daily by 1 of MIL's church friends).
MIL lived ~1.5 hr from us. During the entire ordeal, DH did almost daily 3 hr round trips to the hospital, and later to the assisted living/hospice care facility. live. Super stressful. Focus was on MIL, keeping her comfortable, dealing with care management challenges and all that goes with that.
Aunt & Uncle asked if they could stay in MIL's house. But didn't ask until they were a couple of hours away. Ok fine. Go for it, but hey - we've had to focus on MIL's care needs, not doing a deep clean of her house in case somebody might spend the night there. Aunt & Uncle said no problem, we don't care. Great. DH met them at the house, gave them a key.
Some antics from their 4-day stay:
- DH told them to not bring Aunt's cat w/them. Brought cat anyway.
- DH told them not to bring cat into the house. They did it anyway. Gave free reign to Aunt's cat. MIL's 2 cats then defended their territory from the foreign invader, fur flew, there was scratching & cat arguing involved. Am happy to report that MIL's cat George held his ground. Uncle claimed that George 'tried to kill Aunt's cat.' Not sorry. DH told you to not bring the cat into the house. You didn't respect that. This is George's house, not yours.
- Complained about the lack of deep clean housekeeping in MIL's bedroom. Oh did I mention that they slept in MIL's bedroom? Yeah. If you're thinking What The Heck, you're right. What. The. Heck. MIL had been in the hospital for over a month at that point. Our priorities were with her, not with the dust in the corner. Besides, you could have stayed in a hotel and you told us last minute that you wanted to stay at MIL's house.
- Complained that there wasn't any food in MIL's fridge for them to eat. Um...hello? Since when did this require us to provide you with groceries?
- Demanded my DH go to the grocery store, and spend $75 on groceries for them. How come they couldn't do this themselves? "You don't understand. We could get COVID and die." But you're ok with my DH getting COVID? When they went to the assisted living/hospice care facility, did they wear masks? No. Did they reimburse us for the groceries? No.
- Demanded that assisted living facility allow them to visit MIL at midnight "because it's too hot outside for Aunt. You don't understand, Aunt could die from the heat."
- Continual complaints about the heat the entire 4 days they were there. Constant claims that Aunt was going to die of heat stroke. Meanwhile, my DH's mother was, literally, dying. And while Aunt & Uncle were in town, MIL did die. But continued to complain about how Aunt was going to die of the heat. Hello...it's AZ and late Aug/early Sept. It's still 90+ degrees out.
- AFTER MIL died, we (me, DH, my 2 kids, SIL, her 2 kids) were all at MIL's house & talking. Aunt blessed us with her opinions of how ugly she thought MIL's antique furniture was & how she thought we should throw it all away. Then went on to tell us how we needed to spend at least $40,000 "fixing up MIL's house" in order to sell it. Side note: the house got sold 'as is' to Open Door 2 months later. Totally easy process. And some of MIL's furniture is at SIL's house, some is at our house...and we think of her fondly every time we see her treasures in our home.
A few months ago, Uncle said he & Aunt are planning on going on an epic 1+ month road trip in their RV/camper van...the camper van that they've been living in for the past 2 years...the last year of which they've had it parked at a campground near the beach in southern CA (this is self-imposed, btw. They have plenty of $$ to afford a condo, townhouse, or small retirement home somewhere; they choose to live in a camper van for now). So yeah, they're livin' in a van down by the river. Their road trip sounds great...they want to stop for a couple of days to visit us, they're stopping a couple of places in TX to visit some of Aunt's relatives, stopping for a few days in FL to visit a friend, and also going to TN because Aunt wants to do some geneology research.
Great.
Orig. plan: trip starts in Jan. Now it's late March. When is trip starting? What dates will they be here? They don't know. Uncle called yesterday. They're not sure if they'll be able to leave before mid-April. And, in fact, they don't really know for sure WHEN exactly their trip will begin.
We live in an HOA. A lot of developments in AZ are in HOA. If you have an RV, camper, camper van, etc & you want to park it in front of your house for a couple of days, that's allowed but you have to request permission ahead of time. Has to be for specific dates. Normal HOA stuff.
So like we saw back in 2023, Uncle thinks rules shouldn't apply to him.
"But can't you just tell them that we don't know when we'll arrive?" No, that's not how it works.
"Oh I'm sure if you ask they'll make an exception." No, they won't. Maybe you should plan on reserving a spot at an RV park somewhere nearby or stay at a hotel.
Aunt "can't handle the heat." Will "die of heat stroke if she's too hot." Guess what? It's going to be 96 today, 86 tomorrow at my house. What does "too hot" mean for Aunt? Above 80 degrees.
So why in the world are they choosing to start their trip at a time of year when it's warming up literally everywhere?
Like, you should have come here 2 months ago. It's now the time of year here when all of the snowbirds are LEAVING for cooler climates elsewhere. And THIS is when Aunt & Uncle are finally getting started...the Aunt who will "die of heat stroke."
They also want DH & I to crank the A/C in our home down to 70 degrees. When it's 70 degrees here, we have sweatshirts on and are cold. Besides, all of the A/C repair people in our area have said that you shouldn't have your A/C that low, especially if you've got ceiling fans in each room like we do, because the A/C unit will poop out and die. You know what we have our A/C set at in our house? 82. With ceiling fans set on high + the low humidity we have here, it feels like 77 in the house and I'm using a blanket.
So I suggested to Uncle that instead of stopping to visit us, they should consider driving through AZ on the northern route, taking I-40 through Flagstaff, then Albuquerque...it'll be cooler up there and they'll see some lovely scenery. Oh no, they won't be doing that. They really want to see us. Great, we'd love to see you, too, but you can't bring your cat here into the house (we have a 7 yr old cat & a 16 yr old cat and you're not going to disrupt my senior kitty's retirement sanctuary) and it's not going to be 72 like it is in San Diego and it's not going to be 70 inside my house.
But YDD has class during the day (she's in high school). DH & I work full time. And Aunt & Uncle can't tell us exactly how many days they'll be here or what their arrival date will be. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! LOL
Oh and hey, Uncle, don't come the last weekend of April because DH will be out of town.
Don't come the week after Easter because I have mandatory days in person in the office all that week because of a big work event going on.
Don't come Mother's Day weekend because DH will be at ODD's college to help her move out of the dorm.
Everything involving this Aunt & Uncle ends up being complicated, full of drama. They're always late to everything. And expect the rest of the world to cater to their demands. I've lost count the # of times I've heard Uncle say, "You don't understand. It's so hard because ___," when everything that comes after the "because" is stuff that's occurred because they, themselves, have created the crazy complicated situation they're in at the time. ALL of it is self-imposed.
Feels like I have to gird my loins in preparation for an upcoming battle or something. Sorry, folks, but I've been adulting for awhile now, too, and what you're expecting and demanding is not reasonable. And no, we won't be doing it your way. This isn't Burger King.
If you've made it this far and it feels like you need a cocktail, yeah...you're right. here's a virtual one! -->
Thanks for listening and thanks for the cheap therapy.And if anybody thinks that we should just accommodate their demands in order to get along, give me your address. I'll have Aunt & Uncle stop by your place on their road trip and you, too, can experience it first hand. LOL.
