Wedding gifts?

[cmlnkb]

I am attending a wedding for the first time in over a decade. I have no idea what to spend for their gift? 3 of us are invited but only 2 of us can attend. How much cash should I give? Or is a gift better? No idea what today's etiquette is. Thanks

 

[Travel60]

See if they have a registry (you may be able to Google "wedding registry + (name)"). Or ask someone.

How much I spend usually depends on how close I am to them and where they are in life. I like to give items that 30 years from now they look at and think fondly "xxx gave me that". An established couple or second marriage may get crystal candlesticks, bowls, or flower vase. But a young couple that needs everything may get small kitchen appliances if that's what they need.

Some people will say that your gift should "cover your plate" (I.e. the cost per person of the reception). That seems backwards to me. The couple who throws a formal bash with fancy catering is more likely to be able to afford it themselves (or shouldn't have it) than the couple who has a church hall "cake and nuts" reception or a back yard bbq. I usually end up spending $150-300 for spouse and myself. But again, depends.

 

[mjkacmom]

Where do you live/where is the wedding? How close are you to the couple? Our last wedding was a year ago, we don’t give gifts here (the shower was gifts mailed). It was the daughter of a very close friend, known since birth, it was a bit of a destination wedding, 4 hours away at a New England resort (the couple lives in Boston but many came from NY and NJ). We gave $500 for both of us, plus stayed 2 nights, no way did we cover our plate, a buffet breakfast was included the next morning. Great cocktail hour (mini lobster rolls, mini mugs of New England clam chowder with mini grilled cheese, bacon wrapped scallops, tons of options), awesome plated dinner.

 

[QueenIsabella]

The couple probably has a registry--my D29 is on Zola, and they have links where you can purchase stuff. They deliberately picked things in a variety of price ranges, plus options like "donate to the honeymoon" or "house fund".

We're giving her more cash than you'd give to a "normal" bride, but she's our child!

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

I never give anything other than cash unless they have a registry to buy from.

Everyone will have a different opinion on how much.
Personally I say $50-$75 per person and no don't count the person that is not attending.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Proper etiquette is highly dependent on region as well as other variables. You’d do well to ask friends or family in your area. Many couples these days create wedding websites on The Knot or other similar sites, which can be helpful.

 

[_19disnA]

How much to spend on a wedding gift always seems to result in arguments on here. I doubt how much has anything to do with 'etiquette' and more about how well you know the couple (i.e. close relative, neighbor, co-worker, friend......etc.), what local practices are and what your financial situation might be. I would imagine the only real guideline from an 'etiquette' standpoint point is that you give a gift. If they have some sort of online registry, you will likely see a wide variety of options. Cash vs. a gift is mostly a matter of personal preference.

 

[Magical2017]

How much to spend on a wedding gift always seems to result in arguments on here. I doubt how much has anything to do with 'etiquette' and more about how well you know the couple (i.e. close relative, neighbor, co-worker, friend......etc.), what local practices are and what your financial situation might be. I would imagine the only real guideline from an 'etiquette' standpoint point is that you give a gift. If they have some sort of online registry, you will likely see a wide variety of options. Cash vs. a gift is mostly a matter of personal preference.

This. If I can, I find out from someone else what the couple needs. Cash, something from the registry, or something for the honeymoon. One couple we know had a registry that allowed you to pay for excursions and dining at the honeymoon resort. It's all good to me as long as it makes them happy.

 

[TCRAIG]

I save the registry gifts for showers and give cash for weddings…especially since couples these days pretty much have all the ‘stuff’ they need and no one really registers for fine china and such anymore…and where I’m from (raised in New England) - its pretty much been cash for decades.
Acquaintances, I give $100 per attendee - more if it’s family.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

You're going to get the answer that it's regional. And it is. I live in the northeast and have never seen a single gift at a wedding. Always just cash. Wedding registries are for the shower. But that can totally be a different experience elsewhere.
An example of how I decide is I was invited to two weddings this year. I am not attending one wedding (close relationship) because the bride made choices that make it unaffordable for me to attend. Peak summer season on eastern Long Island (I live out of state) with having to take a ferry to the ceremony and back. I'll only send $250 partly because she's done a housewarming with registry, engagement party asking for cash only, and wedding asking for cash only within the past year and a half. The other wedding is a friend I have known since kindergarten, but while we keep in touch I wouldn't say we are super close friends. On the other hand, our families are very close and I'm super happy for her as it's a later in life wedding she was really waiting for and she is so thrilled and I am honored she included me in her day. I don't think it was fishing for a gift and it really was she just wants me there to celebrate. I'll gift $300-$400. This is for both me and my DH.

 

[AustinTink]

We’re going to a destination wedding for a family member this summer. I just paid about $900 for 2 nights at the hotel. We will have to factor in travel transportation costs for 3 people. I’ll probably buy something new to wear. I’ll do something nice from their registry for the shower. And lastly we’ll give them $500 for their wedding gift. This wedding in burning a hole in my wallet!

 

[QueenIsabella]

We’re going to a destination wedding for a family member this summer. I just paid about $900 for 2 nights at the hotel. We will have to factor in travel transportation costs for 3 people. I’ll probably buy something new to wear. I’ll do something nice from their registry for the shower. And lastly we’ll give them $500 for their wedding gift. This wedding in burning a hole in my wallet!

That's how I feel about my daughter's wedding! We gave her money for the wedding, and will also give her a cash gift. I'm also on the hook for the MOH dress, an outfit for a "bridesman" (he's eyeing a new suit to the tune of $700), a shower gift, airplane tickets for 3 to attend the shower, 2 to attend the batcherlorette party, and the wedding is in MA while we live in NC--so, travel and hotels, to and from. Whew! I haven't even considered costs for hair and make-up, and munchies in the bridal suite, pre-wedding.

On the good side, I think I can recycle my MOH dress from my sister's wedding, to wear to this one. For better or worse, there's little overlap in the guest list, and at my sister's wedding, my older son passed out and seized. He and I left the church in an ambulance. We caught up at the reception, but there are literally no pictures of me from that day (there's one of my son, pre-seizure).

 

[NotUrsula]

Defintitely regional. Based on discussions I have seen here in the past, the US Northeast apparently has a "norm" that is 2-3 times the value of a typical gift you would receive in most of the South or the Midwest.

I was raised in the deep South, and cash gifts are rare there, generally only given by close family who presumably know your financial situation fairly well. Elderly guests also often give cash, and the presumption with that is that they can't easily get out to shop, so it's fine. However, a cash gift of as much as $500 from a non-relative would be a real shocker in most parts of the South, and might even offend the couple you gave it to (or the bride's parents), because they might take it as implying that they threw a wedding that they really could not afford.

As for destination weddings, I've always understood that no gift is necessary at all; that the expense of attending means that your presence is the only "gift" that is expected. (By this I mean a true destination wedding at a resort or similar; not just traveling to a friend's home town where they grew up.) I think most people still like to give some sort of personal token, but more than that does not seem necessary given the cost of being there.

 

[cabanafrau]

Almost always give cash for the wedding gift outside of very specific gifts for certain couples based on specific circumstance or relationship. I've seen a few weddings wind up with a lot of unexpected frustration over the logistics of transporting wedding gifts that far exceeded the volume expected.

I've even witnessed two where specific gifts given presented transport challenges based on weight and/or dimensions. One in particular wound up resulting in extra fees from the wedding venue because it was dropped off by a special courier service and required the family to make special expedited transportation arrangements that they couldn't arrange on the spot on Saturday evening and had to be coordinated when businesses opened to inquire about making arrangements on Monday a.m. The wedding venue allowed the gift to remain until the moving service arrived on Monday, but it meant the venue had to have staff present during a time and day they were normally closed.

It was about as much of a headache and expense as if they had rolled up to the reception with a rare baby grand piano or a 12-foot crocodile as a "special gift". My advice, don't do that and you're probably good.

 

[HeatherC]

I am in Massachusetts and people “almost” exclusively give cash gifts. Registry items are usually for the engagement party and bridal shower. That is just my experience here.

With the price of the “average” wedding over $35,000 (higher here in the northeast), I think cash gifts are definitely preferred. If we were invited to a wedding today, we would probably gift $300-400 as a couple. ( Yes I KNOW that is insane. But I don’t think this is unusual for this area.

 

[SueInBoston]

I am in Massachusetts and people “almost” exclusively give cash gifts. Registry items are usually for the engagement party and bridal shower. That is just my experience here.

With the price of the “average” wedding over $35,000 (higher here in the northeast), I think cash gifts are definitely preferred. If we were invited to a wedding today, we would probably gift $300-400 as a couple. ( Yes I KNOW that is insane. But I don’t think this is unusual for this area.

agree with HeatherC.

 

[pezgirlroy]

As others have said this is a very tricky question to answer as it really depends. We live in the NorthEast and I grew up in the midwest and lived in NYC and DC so I have seen all sorts of different ways to give gifts. We buy a gift off the registry for an engagement or bridal shower present. For the wedding, we always do cash. I try to roughly cover our plate for the gift. For most couples we will give $250. Family may be a bit more.

 

[AustinTink]

That's how I feel about my daughter's wedding! We gave her money for the wedding, and will also give her a cash gift. I'm also on the hook for the MOH dress, an outfit for a "bridesman" (he's eyeing a new suit to the tune of $700), a shower gift, airplane tickets for 3 to attend the shower, 2 to attend the batcherlorette party, and the wedding is in MA while we live in NC--so, travel and hotels, to and from. Whew! I haven't even considered costs for hair and make-up, and munchies in the bridal suite, pre-wedding.

On the good side, I think I can recycle my MOH dress from my sister's wedding, to wear to this one. For better or worse, there's little overlap in the guest list, and at my sister's wedding, my older son passed out and seized. He and I left the church in an ambulance. We caught up at the reception, but there are literally no pictures of me from that day (there's one of my son, pre-seizure).

Weddings are money pits these days.

 

[barkley]

Weddings are money pits these days.

they've been for decades. I worked in wedding planning for a venue back in the late 80's and the upcharging we did for a wedding vs. an identicaly provided for event was obscene-anything with the word 'wedding' or 'bridal' had a different pricing scheduale (and the outside vendors we limited wedding parties to using on property also upcharged b/c they had to give us a slice of their charges).

I love the scene in the movie 'the wedding singer' when Adam Sandler is taking Drew Barrymore around to the various vendors and calling them out on their prices-it's spot on!

 

[AustinTink]

I love the scene in the movie 'the wedding singer' when Adam Sandler is taking Drew Barrymore around to the various vendors and calling them out on their prices-it's spot on!

Funny your mention that movie. I was just about to start watching it!