Possible Asperger's diagnosis for DS9- would love some input/ advice please

[Minnie M6]

I don't know where to start........... I have been reading about Asperger's and have been blown away by how accurately the symptoms/ behaviors (for lack of a better term) describe my 9 year old son. My Mom, who is a special Ed. teacher, mentioned to me that I may want to look into Asperger's in relation to DS, which is why I started researching it. She doesn't know much about it but thought he exhibited some of the characteristics. I always thought he was just "quirky" until recently, but I now feel that there may be more to it than that. He is highly intelligent but in such a literal way- very black and white. He had a homework assignment recently which required him to find alternate meanings for words, and we ended up arguing because he WOULD NOT believe me when I told him that the word icing can also mean frosting. We both ended up in tears (I know, I'm the adult, but he wears me down sometimes). He actually wrote the alternate definition on his paper but then wrote (not true) in parentheses. It hurt my feelings that he didn't believe me!

I always found it so strange that he didn't understand sarcasm, given how smart he is- and when I read about Asperger's it was such a feeling of relief and understanding. He is not trying to make me crazy- he really just doesn't get it! Although I think he has learned to "cope", in that he knows that if someone uses their voice in a certain way it may be sarcasm (he actually told me the other day that I wasn't using sarcasm because my voice sounded normal???). During our recent trip to WDW, he LOVED Space Mountain, but was scared to death on The Great Movie Ride- ducking when there were gunshots. He talked about it for days afterwards (I'm never going on that ride again) so I know he was truly frightened. I never know what to expect. Although I had a feeling that he would love pin trading, and he sure did! Every time he saw a CM he was breaking out his pins to trade. I was constantly turning around to find him in a conversation with a CM (not having bothered to tell me he was stopping). He loves to collect things and will talk your ear off, telling you everything you ever wanted to know about Pokemon or whatever his newest interest is.
I was literally crying while reading your stories about strange calls from school, because it is such a comfort to know that there is a reason for his behavior and that others are dealing with this diagnosis so well, and are able to laugh and find the joy in their children's different way of thinking.

My question is, do I need to have him evaluated and diagnosed? What is the treatment? He functions well at school.........he is in the gifted program and his grades have been good (although he is in a split class this year and is struggling with organization which is impacting his grades). He is not popular by any means, but does have 2-3 good friends who he socializes with occasionally. His teachers have referred to him as the rule police- it is very important to him that others follow the rules. Which is funny, because at home he is not so much a rule follower. But the structure at school is really good for him behavior wise. Truly, my main concern for him is the social aspect. He gets along with other kids but doesn't get invitations to many parties (like his 8 year old sister does) and I think some of the kids find him strange. He can't seem to read cues well so if he is annoying someone he doesn't really know it. It would break my heart to think he was being teased (I have seen it happen but not with the kids at his school). He only saw one friend over the Christmas break- she is his closest friend but they had an incident at her house in September and they don't see as much of each other any more. I thought that would devastate him but he seems okay. He likes to spend time alone, and would play video/ computer games all day if we would let him.

I apologize for the book- I could go on and on but I will stop for now. I hope that some of you will have some advice for me. Now that I suspect he may have Asperger's, should I talk to his pediatrician, or educate myself further first and then take him to a specialist?

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Hi! I'm the one who started the "Strangest Call from school" thread. Wow. You need a serious hug. If you lived anywhere near Lexington, KY, I'd say let's meet and have a cup of coffee or something. First, let me tell you that while I was reading your post, all I could think is, "This woman must be such a good mom to know her son so well". The next thing I thought was, "She's just like me, nobody told her directly- and she was smart enough to figure it out herself and caring enough to do something about it".

So, off to the library or bookstore with you and get Tony Attwood's book on Asperger's. There are lots of other books out there, but most are depressing or lump Aspergers in with (I know this might sound mean, but it's how I describe it so don't flame me) "head banging autism". So read this and you won't feel so bad anymore. Now, depending on where you live and how the school system handles things, you need to figure out if and how you should have him diagnosed. Most likely it would need to be a psych evaluation at a university hospital, as most normal doctors have no idea about this. It won't be cheap, but having your peace of mind might be worth it. Some people do not want the diagnosis on the child's record, particularly with a high achiever like your son. Your mother should have someone in mind that you could talk to (our school system has an actual Autism specialist).

It sounds to me like you may want a diagnosis if only to cover his a@# when he gets a little older. Can you imagine your son being accused of sexual harassment when he was just trying to talk to a girl and didn't realize he was in her "personal space"? Plus, the bullying gets worse. It makes me feel better to know that my son will have an extra set of eyes on him as he goes through school. If your son is anything like mine, the teachers just adore him. It's the kids that can't figure him out (and he them). My son could charm the pants off a snake, but only an adult one. The baby snakes would kill him!

I know the feeling of an argument that makes you just lose it. I didn't notice that when my son asks for his "things" (he likes girls dresses and globes and the Eiffel Tower) or makes his statements (he's currently going through a pink poodle-yep, got that right-pink poodle phase). I will say, "Toby, you are so strange". So yesterday, he looks at me out of the blue and says "We need to talk. You are really making me mad. You need to follow two rules- 1) Stop saying I'm strange. and 2) I'm not strange, I'm just me and you're making me feel bad."

Whoa. Called down by a six year old. I'm guessing that's why the kids don't like him too much. most of the time he's either like nails on a chalkboard for me or the cutest kid ever. And his older sister (8) gets invited out all the time and I feel awful that Toby does not.

There is no treatment- it's just how his brain is wired. I don't think Aspergers is a chemical thing or anything like that. I just think this personality type has been around throughout the history of man. The best you can do is support his interests and help him deal better with other people (just like any mom should do for their own kids, by the way). Anyway, it will all be fine. Your son will grow up and be highly successful and live a long happy life. (Mine might be living with me while doing this, but...)

And during our December trip, my DS rode Star Tours twice (begging for more but I was going to throw up) and cringed the entire time during the Great Movie Ride.

 

[mechurchlady]

You must get him properly diagnosed. It sounds like asperger's but there are so many brain quirks that I would not put a label on a kid. Also they need to help you and him find his weaknesses and strengths as well as any other disorders.

Soon Bookworm will be by and he has Asperger's and boy can he talk your ear off about asperger's. I trust him on the subject and love to hear him talk. He can better explain things than I can. Early intervention and therapy is available and with proper therapy and training kids often grow up to be like everyone else.

I can give you hugs and tell you that there is hope and your son will probably grow up to be just like other people except for a few quirks that he will adapt to and work around. Chin up and big hugs and snugs.

 

[Minnie M6]

DisDreaminMom,

Thanks so much for your reply and your kind words. Believe it or not, I went straight to the library and checked out a book by Tony Atwood after reading your post! (I am a good direction follower ) I had looked at the books at our library before but I was so excited to have a recommendation from someone who knows what they're talking about.

I really appreciate how you explained the reasons for getting a diagnosis. I feel like our school and teachers have been wonderful, and I'm not necessarily sure that we would need to get a diagnosis to have on his record, but your statement about protecting him in the event that anything happened got to me. If possible I would like to get the evaluation done outside of the school system- I don't think we need an IEP or anything.

Your son sounds like a sensitive and very smart boy. It's great that he can express himself and his feelings to you like that! I know what you mean though, about the extremes- Clay is either being lovely and sweet or very, very difficult- there is no in between.

My main concern is helping him with social situations. I am probably overly concerned with my kids' social lives because I think having friends is such an important part of growing up. We don't have kids on our street close enough that my kids can play with, so play dates and organized sports are their main outlets other than school. I am grateful that he has several friends who seem to "get" him and I need to stop worrying so much about it.

Thanks again!
Amy

 

[Minnie M6]

Mechurchlady,

Thank you, also, for your reply. I will look into getting him evaluated. I think Marshall University, which is about 45 minutes from us, has an autism center. That may be the best bet. I guess I need a referral from our pediatrician?

 

[bookwormde]

Sounds like your son is a pretty good “self adapter”. Make sure it is the up to date version, Tony Attwood’s “The Complete Guide to Aspergers" C2007 if not it is available from Amazon for about $25. He is the preeminent clinician in the field and “gets it” better than any other published clinician.

A formal evaluation is definitely appropriate with your description. He obviously has a large number of characteristics. It is unlikely that you will get a formal diagnosis since he is so well self adapted and is not be showing the maladaptive manifestation which are part of the DSM-iv criteria unless you have him evaluated by a clinician which has a large portion of their practice involving HFA and Aspergers individuals and stays current in the clinical literature.

The first thing to know is that this is a neurovariation, not a disease or other malady. While there are significant challenges in “syncing up” with neurotypical society the benefits of his “wiring” far outweigh them. Supporting his intellectual learning and application of social skills and Theory of mind is important (although it sounds like he has progressed well on his own). Once you become read on the subject you will understand the core differences in our Executive Function compared to the average population, especially important, is understanding how our visual/non discriminatory/non linear processing mind works (although this is just beginning to be understood and show up in the clinical literature) and what a great gift it is for inventiveness and creativity.

As to the situation with the English language, with 100,000+ exceptions and even more double meanings and TOM based interpretation it is completely illogical and inefficient. Once you accept that, you will be able to have a lot of fun with him leaning all the “silliness” that it involves. My DS9 had a great speech teacher who got him though most of the illogical constructs of speech ie sarcasm etc within about 18 months and he now thinks it is great fun. Do not try to convince him that illogical thing are correct, just let him know that this is the way neurotypicals communicate and that it is important to learn it and have fun with it as much as possible (with all the available phonic combinations why would someone assign multiple meaning to the same word?, just to make it confusing).

His issues with organization skills is that school is designed around and evaluated by a linear model, which is not the way we learn or generate conclusions.

Socially he is “different” and always will be but it is important to understand that what fulfills him is not unfocused social interaction but items of substance. As he continues to learn to intellectually emulate the innate social skills of neurotypicals he will choose when it is worth the effort (which can be quite exhausting in complex or unknown social situations).

In the end I will tell you congratulations, you are gifted with a very special child with amazing abilities and perespective, which has the potential to change the world for the better. As he grows you will learn to appreciate his non-discriminatory nature, his heightened sense of social justice, his unwavering honesty and his intellectual ability to accumulate vast amount of “data” and come up with amazing insightful perceptions and solutions.

Have fun you are engaged in a wonderful, although often frustrating journey, and by the way do not let his I.Q score freak you out if they are unfathomably high.

bookwormde

 

[NotUrsula]

All good advice, and now I'll add a quirky side issue: be prepared for lots of semantic arguments about lying.

Aspergers kids need to be able to "lie" to get along in the neurotypical world; to learn the art of the social fib, to lie by omission so as not to hurt others' feelings, and to fake certain types of rote interactions, such as replying to "How are you?" with "Fine, thank you." even if he isn't. You have to give them permission to do this. However, they tend to have real issues with understanding the difference between this sort of thing and a serious lie, though most Aspies lie very poorly unless they really work at it. (But don't let anyone tell you that an Aspie categorically cannot lie -- they can, and some of them get very good at it if they set their minds to it.)

Do understand one thing: while most Aspies do want to have friends and a social life, they tend to define friend pretty loosely. My DS11 has not been invited to a birthday party since kindergarten, and did not see or speak to a single schoolmate over the holiday break, but if you ask him he'll tell you that he has lots of friends. To him, a friend is anyone his age who will have a conversation with him and not become impatient.

 

[bouncycat]

I agree with all of this, I have a 10 yr old who has been diagnosed with this, but a mild case of it. He has the social disability, and doesn't have too many friends, and when he does, he's a very strict "by the rules" kid. There are times when he drives me bonkers, and then other times when he just is the sweetest thing ever!! It is a hard uphill journey, but it can be very rewarding as well. We had AP's to disney last year, and loved quite a few of the rides, but not the "loud" ones, Imagination at Epcot he actually cried on, and that's the tamest ride there! I didn't understand, but I didn't push the issue either. We're going next week with his "chicken" cousin, it'll be nice to see how he reacts to that challenge!! I love my son dearly, and with this and everything else going on, I wouldn't have his personality any other way!!!

 

[mechurchlady]

My mother was never diagnosed for any brain quirks or psychological problems and is 83. I go through some of the same things with her as do the parents I see on this board so that is why I am here, to learn. Today she screamed for me until I got up to get the newspaper and mail. She cannot understand anything but that she needs the newspaper and the mail even if I need to wash out my eyes, go to the bathroom, or find my shoes. It is hard at times to live with someone who has limitations like she does but I love her and have learned some tricks like she yells too often then I just make her wait. I now just stop any arguments and have to fight the urge to get her on the right track. I learned a lot from the nice people here.

Bookworm has spoken and what he said is good advice. He is right that your son is very adaptive which can cause a regular doctor to not see anything wrong. Also for me I cannot tell people outside this board all of my quirks related to SID/SPD. To a person with a neurovariation (quirk) their quirk is normal and how they see the world is normal. Like to the kid in the story below it is standard to call items by one name. It does not matter if others do differently, to him it is the norm. If a person does not know something is abnormal then they might not mention it to a clinician let alone anyone else. As you get older you are more likely to have adapted, hide stuff due to your understanding of society (social peers) or think thing nothing is wrong.

Sending you Hugs and chocolates and warm wishes and good luck.
Laurie

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=29081183

Does the following ring a bell? She is another of my favourite posters here.

We had a similar situation with youngest DS. (this is kinda funny so hopefully it isn't offensive to anyone) He only has one name for things, things cannot have more than one name. For example, a soda is a soda. It is not a "pop", a "coke", it is a soda, and he will correct you if you call it something else. Well one day (this has been a while ago) he was in the bathtub and pointed to a "certain part" of his anatomy and asked me what it was called. And I realized that guys tend to call it by several different names depending on who they're talking to. But I needed to find one name that would be appropriate for life, and for any situation. It actually took more thought that you'd think. One name for "it" that would work with a doctor, in the locker room, with a girlfriend or wife, with a babysitter, through his whole life and in any situation would be appropriate, so do you go with a slang name? the medical name (which sounds good except guys don't talk like that to other guys)? you can't use a kiddie name... which word do you pick?

And then about a month later, I found out that the day care he was attending (just for a few hours a day during the summer) he had gotten in trouble for calling it the word I'd taught him. Apparantly at "her" house they don't call it that (and was quite snooty about it) and while she certainly knew about the autism, she didn't understand. I give up.

 

[C&G'sMama]

To OP. I have to echo what everyone else has said. DS(5) was "officially" diagnosed with AS this past July. But from the time he was 3 I always said "there's something wrong with that boy"(said with lots of love and a smile). I love him to death but I found I use my sick sense of humor a lot). Of course we got a lot of you're not strict enough with him or he's only 3 or he's only 4 or he's fine.

Right after he was diagnosed DP(koolaidmoms) sent out a letter to our friends and family. The crux was "what has changed since he's been labeled? nothing, he's still the same DS as he was before, it is us that have put a label on him". For us we felt the label was necessary to get him the services he needs. He is in OT, PT and pragmatic speech. The kid is brilliant but he couldn't hold a pencil or crayon to save his live and he always fought us on it. It would be frustrtating for him because there was a lot in his head but no way for him to get it out. So we started him on typing. But he has made progress with the PT, it's not great but at least he will do some writing now.

I can relate to what Disdreamin said about friends and adults. Kids in his class just don't get him. But he charms the pants out of most adults he meets. I basically say "kids his age bore him". Because of his needing PT I thought putting him in sports at the Y (no pressure) would be good for him. We did baseball and basketball. He ran around the gym yelling "I can't do this, I can't do this". He has a hard time with any thing that doesn't come easy to him. By the last session he lined up with the other kids and did stretches. I cried.

Now we have him in gymnastics once a week because we feel it is good for his cooridination but we also put him in Chess Class once a week at the local chess center. He has found kindred spirits. It's seems like most of the adults and children "get" him because most are "like" him. Very smart, introspective and not the best at socialization.

So I guess I agree with the posters that say get him tested, just in case, for the future. In the mean time it sounds like you are doing an awesome job.

 

[BeckyScott]

She is another of my favourite posters here.

Awwww....!

OP, you could have been talking about my oldest son, who just turned 11.

He's always been a bit quirky, but it was hard for me to judge since youngest DS is autistic I don't have a very good frame of reference. Not too many friends, usually just one at a time, and still tends to parallel play with them. Very smart with technical stuff (his teacher last year used him as her personal classroom IT person). His big issue is very little concept of apathy. He already has an ADHD diagnosis, but that didn't explain some things. And he has great coping skills during the day, so his teacher hadn't noticed anything, but when he gets in my car after school all heck breaks loose.

What I knew, was that something wasn't quite right, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. (I'm not a doctor, for heaven's sake!) He had been having problems in school, bad grades, lots of problems in math, so I requested the school have him tested for a learning disability. I really just outright told the SpEd Coordinator that I thought something was going on but I couldn't figure out what, and I mentioned Aspergers too, because he does have a sibling with autism (which she knows, of course) and it wouldn't be crazy unusual for it to run in the family.

The reason I went thru the school first is because I called the children's hospital where youngest DS had been diagnosed, and I couldn't get through the "gatekeeper" there, and she also said that even if I got an appointment, it would be a year out. Around here, you need someone to help you get through the gate. I also contacted the local Regional Center (which is a Department of Mental Health thing) and talked to them, and they sent someone over to ask me a zillion questions. Having someone else think there might be a possibility, will help you get through some of the red tape.

So the school tested him for LD and also did an Asperger's screening. (they can't diagnose, only screen) What came back was that he didn't have an LD. What he did have, according to his IQ test, was a processing problem. The autism coordinator said that's pretty typical for the spectrum. And the Asperger screening came back borderline but yes. It was hard for them because he has developed such good coping skills during the day, they had to really rely (and believe) what I was telling them.

This all happened literally the week before Christmas break, so I'm still working on stuff. We will be having an IEP meeting shortly. Now that I've got the school backing me (I'm still waiting for the Regional Center results) I should be able to get him in to a real evaluation. Getting past the gatekeeper has been our biggest problem.

 

[Minnie M6]

I am really overwhelmed by everyone taking the time to share information and personal stories with me. I am SO glad I posted yesterday. It has been an emotional couple of days, and since starting the Tony Attwood book last night I am more convinced than ever of the diagnosis. I was reading and crying and feeling like I need to share this information with my parents and others who love DS so that they can better understand him. I read just the first section of the book (less than 10 pages) and I can't believe how many of the behaviors he exhibits or has exhibited in the past. These are things we have talked about for years but never realized that there could be some reason for them, if that makes any sense.

From the little things, like his atrocious handwriting, to bigger things, like the discrepancy between verbal and performance IQ, there were few of the "pathways to diagnosis" that didn't apply. DS has a 20 + point difference between verbal and performance IQ when he was tested in 2nd grade (verbal being higher) and I remember wondering and asking at the time if that signified anything. They told me he was just so strong verbally that it made his performance seem weak by comparison, or something to that effect.

The clumsiness and dexterity problems definitely apply- DS is 9 and just this fall learned to tie his shoes! We keep him involved in sports, because while he doesn't excel at any of them I feel like as long as he is enjoying himself it is good for him to have basic knowledge of different sports. We, too, have done sports through the Y and church leagues to keep the pressure to a minimum. C & G's Mama, your post really made me think that we should try harder to find an activity (like chess) that he really enjoys and that would allow him to spend time with people who have similar interests. He does love scouts and goes to the day camp each summer- it is one of the best weeks of the year for him. He also loves baseball but he will never be great at it, sadly.

I'm rambling again....this has just been so eye opening and I am so grateful to everyone here. Thanks to all of you.

 

[mechurchlady]

It took me 50 years to find out that I have a SID/SPD which is a brain quirk. It skates very close to autism at times. I was lost in the cracks of a school system that at the time put me with the boys as I was more able to deal with them. I look back at all the things in my life and all my sins and flaws and light bulbs pop and I realize that I was not bad but just not made right. You are not alone in looking back and saying OMG that so fits XXX to a tee. I see it on this board too often.

Ramble on all you want. I am in pogo playing gin and having coniption fits with the bot, playing a sim game, am on another sim, and here and popping over to another board when not here. I need something to read as I do not have enough stimulous so please do keep posting and asking questions. Trust me there is at least one person on this board who has gone through what ever you are going through in some way. And as for tying his shoes there was a post here called "I see Londan, I see France" about a parent celebrating that her son was going to be wearing regular boy's underpants. He was up in age like nearing teen if I remember right. Around here you see them tiny steps and join in the celebrating.

The bot needs me to beat it in gin so I leave you with a ton of hugs and chocolates and warm wishes and prayers and head ache tablets.
Laurie

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Bookworme, I love you so much. Just have to reiterate that. I know I've told you before. Everybody else, know how much these chats help my sanity. You are all kindred spirits and I wish my area had people just like you in it. Ditto almost word for word all the PP's kids limitations. How weird is that? I wonder of my kid would be happier with a few of your kids to be around. I call his playing technique "concentric circles". He doesn't necessarily want to play "with" someone, as have someone there he likes playing near him, available if he needs them.

We belong to the Y, and I have thought of putting DS in some in of sports, though he shows no interest in anything unless he can pretend to be a pink poodle. My husband is 6'5", and DS is huge for his age, so the PE teacher at his school has been trying to get him more geared towards ball sports. Plus DS has an incredible basketball throw, but I just don't see him getting that into it. I wish he would, because it might be his best shot at friends, rule following, and having a social life later. I also thought about martial arts, though DS might kill someone by accident if he's mad. He's a strong kid!!! He's like the Incredible Hulk "You won't like me when I'm angry..."

Maybe I should teach him chess (but does that mean I would have to learn, too? Checkers is my limit...)

Anyway, thanks to all of you. So much info, so many headaches avoided.

 

[PrincessMom4]

I know exactly what you are going through. They can't offically label her, but they have ruled out a few conditions. Right now she has the ODD with ADHD label on her. I know something still wasn't right so I purseued even more help with my DD9 who has a lot of behavioural problems that non of her other 3 siblings have. She gets into these fits of rage and I do mean rage. We have tried almost every technique there is out there (time-out,re-direction, positive reinforcement, etc) and nothing worked...well it would work some time if the mood was not as bad. She would get these phases were she would repeatly tap on something or grunt similar to what austim or asperger kids do. One worker thought she might be that so we had her tested but she only scores on part of the test, BUT not enought to make her that condition.
She is getting better now and is somewhat more manageable and we hope it stays this way.
I don't know exactly what you are going through but I totally can sympathize with you.

 

[mechurchlady]

Finally ready to go to bed and stopped by to see what was new. As for the kid with rage it could be from something other that ODD For mom I just ignore most of the manure from her but sometimes there are tricks I use. I tell her the facts then shut the door to the conversation, end of convo. If she is screaming for me over and over for something not important then I make her wait and count to 10 then take a few steps and stop if she starts up. That has worked. Yesterday was bad as she would not stop calling my name because she wanted the newspaper and the mail. She just cannot, even at age 20, understand that I was asleep so shut up and wait. NOW is all she sees and not that other things have to be done.

The apple often does not fall far from the tree and in this case I fell from a nut tree not an apple tree. The worst thing about neurovariations and brain quirks is that each individual reacts differently and too often there are those that are borderline or who slip past testing. The symptoms of each disorder are not a unique set only to themselves but shared by other disorders and even diseases.

NAP ATTACK

Now before I sleep I send you all big hugs, warm wishes, prayers and my mother for the week.
Current offer is one slightly used mother for two of your kids, see Bwana Bob at the Jungle Cruise for details.

Hugs and chocolates and warm wishes and prayers
Laurie

 

[BeckyScott]

His big issue is very little concept of apathy.

I can't believe I wrote that.

I meant empathy.

That's what happens when you post without enough coffee.

Okay, where was I. Oh, yes. We have a lot of trouble getting either boy to particpate in sports. We discovered fairly early on that anything involving a team wasn't going to work. The only two things we have found to be even moderately successful were swimming and taekwondo.

But with only moderate success. Taekwondo neither one of them really loved, and oldest DS announced to me that he didn't "believe in sweating". They both had problems knowing when it was appropriate to use their newly-found techniques. Oldest DS preferred practicing his kicks on his brother. Youngest DS used his stranger-danger escape technique on me one day when we were leaving school. The good part of the whole thing was that their gross motor skills and endurance did improve quite a bit, especially youngest DS since he was more delayed anyway. Youngest DS also needed me to "para" for him during class, so it's not for a mom that is easily embarrassed. (I think most of us got way past that a long time ago) Secondly, since oldest DS announced his hatred for sweating, I put them in swimming class. (ha ha! Mom outsmarted you!) I would have done it anyway, from a personal-safety perspective. Oldest DS did all right and did learn to swim, although he's no fish. Youngest DS didn't ever catch on-- he does love the water so that is even more reason for it to be a concern that he couldn't swim-- but he refuses to put his face in the water, he also needed a "para", he won't jump in from the poolside--

So we are still searching for a physical activity that works for them. There isn't a Y here and there isn't a Special Olympics program for children. The city does do adaptive swimming (opening the pool for an hour a week specifically for special needs) and adaptive bowling (the kids got bored about halfway thru the first game).

 

[PrincessMom4]

Well then now believe her misbehaviour is from an injury she got while she was in daycare at 17months.

 

[Minnie M6]

I have to say, I agree with your son, I'm not a big fan of sweating either! Swimming was a great idea- maybe even water aerobics or walking? Of course, he would be the youngest in those classes by about 50 years We did swim lessons for DS also- he was signed up for aikido but at the last minute DH said he just wasn't comfortable with DS learning martial arts techniques. I mentioned in the first post that we had an incident in September with a friend- DS was at his best friend's house, the only friend who consistently used to invite him over, and she was teasing him, calling him a baby when he got upset about losing a game, and they had a physical altercation, and he bit her . Nothing like that had ever happened with a friend (he gets really angry at home and lashes out at his sister occasionally but not to that degree), and it completely devastated us. DS cried all night thinking he may have lost his friend. He lost all privileges for a week and write apologies to his friend and her parents. That is when I started looking for answers about his behavior- not excuses, but answers. I told his friend's mom that I would not try to explain or justify his behavior at all- just apologized profusely. The invites to their house have slowed down dramatically and I can understand that. It was an awful few weeks after that happened.

 

[BeckyScott]

Oldest DS does have "anger management issues" or "a short fuse" or however you'd want to phrase it. Only at home though, so far. He gets very very angry.

As far as I can analyze, it's from a couple of things. One is that he doesn't process well, so my nagging at him is just really irritating. Secondly, since he has problems with empathy he doesn't understand that others have needs and therefore can't figure out why he can't have everything he wants, when he wants it. Third, and I hate to say it, is that I spent a whole lot of time working on youngest DS. And oldest DS resents that. And he resents that he doesn't have a "normal" brother, but that resentment is even more extreme than you'd have with a typical child because he has issues of his own thrown in there.

The absolutely one time ever in history that oldest DS was okay with youngest DS's autism, was last summer when we were at Disney. Because of the GAC.

However, I can tell you, no matter what we give or do for oldest DS, he wants just a little more. I could spend 8 hours sitting with him watching him play video games, and if I got up after 8 hours, he'd be mad and he'd want 15 minutes more. So there's no way I can win.

This is a huge concern of mine, as I also have to look at the future. We don't have much close family, and no close family that is their age. Which means it's entirely possible that oldest DS will need to do some advocating, at some point way in the future. Right now, he really doesn't like his brother and has no empathy for the situation. So what happens 30 years from now?