Did I Over-React?

[DizNee Luver]

After taking our twin 2 yr olds to the children's hospital in Portland, OR we stopped for lunch at an Elmer's Restaurant. We sat down, fed the girls, got our drinks & ordered our lunch. The manager comes over & informs me that we need to make our daughter stop tapping her spoon on the table because he was getting complaints. I explained to her, not only is she 2, but she's autistic & so I wouldn't be able to make her stop. He said give her something quiet to do....I said again....she's autistic & if I take the spoon from her, she will have a meltdown which will be quite loud. He said, you'll need to do something. So we did.....we left!!
On my way out, I asked him if this was a family restaurant...and he said yes. I told him, obviously it was not.

I'm sorry, but I've gone to family restaurants where kids are running around, throwing things, screaming, crying, playing with their silverware, etc & you just deal with it. I was totally caught off guard when he came over to complain about our daughter!! This was the first time we'd taken the twins out in public & actually had happy girls.

Even if we had been able to get the spoon from her, we felt very un-welcome there. We were made to feel uncomfortable.

To top things off, we get out to our car in the parking lot to find it has been totally blocked in from a full-size pickup parked in a compact stall. My husband had to go into the restaurant 3 different times to get something done about it. On the 3rd trip in (20 minutes later), my husband found out the manager had only asked one section if they owned the truck. Eventually, the owner came out with the manager hiding behind him. Ridiculous!!

So not only did we feel insulted, hurt & un-welcomed IN the restaurant...but then they didn't even care enough to help us leave.

I wrote to corporate & the better business bureau......Did I Over-React???
Is this to be expected any time we take them out?? I really am at a loss.

 

[pudge the fish]

considering the fact that you did not yell or scream at anyone- throw anything or cause a huge scence I do not think you over reacted!

i am so sorry this happened.

A family place isn't supposed to be fine fancy dining...
and If I didn't hear from coporate ASAP I would call them.

for the record I would have casued a major scence after my DH had taken the kids out-

 

[kimbac3]

Not at all!!! I think you took the high road. Me - I'd probably throw a fit and the world would know how ticked off I was!!

 

[Hannathy]

Sorry I think you over reacted. I would not have wanted to eat with a child pounding/tapping the table with a spoon. that is very disturbing to other guests. Just because it is family doesn't mean it has to be disturbing to other diners.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Oh do we have a troller in our midst?

Not an over reaction AT ALL!!! In complete honestly, yes the tapping would have gotten irritating, especially to those around you, but if that's keeping your child from having a melt down, they can tap away. If I were in your spot there would have been seriously raised voices along the lines of "Well I'd like to lodge a complaint about that woman's red hair, and that man's nose. My child can't help it" You shouldn't be made to feel as if you're doing something wrong in a situation like that. I'll give it to the manager that you kid probably didn't have a giant sign on that said "I'm Autistic!" so maybe he thought they were just being a pain, but you shouldn't have to provide a Dr's note and medical text to get your point across.

I don't know a lot about autism, but I've heard of children with it being extremely attached to items and freaking out when they're taken away (a friend of a friend's little boy had a thing for a screwdriver) so I don't know if it's unrealistic to say is there something she really likes that you could bring out that she could focus on if something like this were to happen again? Or if she does that tapping thing a lot..is there a way you could put a small towel or washcloth on the surface she's tapping on so it'd muffle it a little bit? Really not trying to tell you what to do or start trouble, just trying to be helpful

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

I don't think it's a troll, just voicing an opinion. I somewhat side on the "overeaction" side. My dd has Autism and I can see where you are coming from. However, I try to always be mindful of those around me and would remove her in that situation. I do not know how high/low functioning your child is but perhaps it's best not to frequent the busier restaurants until you can replace banging with a quieter stim (in an uncrowded restaurant you could sit away from everyone or maybe you could find a quiet fidget?). I know it's hard-heck it's practically impossible to have a nice meal out with a child that does not understand rules or boundaries. The manager was a bit rude imo but I do not think it is unreasonable for them to advocate for the peaceful dining of the neighboring customers. I am pretty sound sensitive so if someone was banging a utensil near me I would probably move or leave.

Just my opinion. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[SueM in MN]

I don't think 2 or 3 yr olds tapping spoons in a family restaurant is unusual, autism or not.
Small kids get bored waiting for food and I would not be surprised to hear noises from them.

That said, if you know your 2 year old is going to play with something noisy, you may want to work on things that would be quieter for your next trip out.

 

[FOXFIELDZOO]

I am so Sorry this happened to you ,Or anyone this sort of thing has happened to,People are rude and inconsiderate,I would have stayed ,and maybe took the spoon away ,wonder what they would have liked better?

 

[DizNee Luver]

Thank you for all the responses. I think I may have over-reacted only in the sense that it caught me off guard. I tend to be very sensitive to the sounds my girls are making & trying to keep "the peace" as best as I can. I understand that tapping on the table could get annoying but for the manager to tell me to make her do something else after explaining things...I would have thought he'd be more willing to work with us, as well as the other customers.

Our impression of this restaurant was....they call themselves a family restaurant, but really tend to cater to the seniors....regulars...people that come in all the time. I think it was the managers regulars that had the issue & since we were the "newbies" he felt it okay to be somewhat impolite over the situation to protect his regulars. That's fine to do that....but don't tell me you welcome children.....no child will be perfectly still & quiet in a restaurant. Maybe they need to seat the families on one side & put the regulars on the other side...that way everybody's happy.

Autism or not, the twins are 2. 2 yr olds, throw toys, bang cups, bottles, silverware & toys, they cry, fuss, scream......my daughter was guilty of one of those....pretty mild in comparison of most kids at restaurants.

I tried to look at this from the people complaining......If I heard the tapping & was getting annoyed...I would have looked around to see where it was coming from.....once I saw it was a baby in a highchair....I would have ignored it....if it was coming from a school age child & older...I may have said something. But maybe I'm more tolerant of kids being kids in restaurants.

 

[Spoonful of Sugar]

I don't think you overreacted. Isn't the whole point of family restaurants that you're allowed to be noisy? I certainly don't go to White Spot (my personal fave for families) for the high quality food or the ambiance. I go so my kid can act like a wild child without getting us dirty looks I hope you get an apology at least, or maybe a free meal.

 

[honugirl]

Thank you for all the responses. I think I may have over-reacted only in the sense that it caught me off guard. I tend to be very sensitive to the sounds my girls are making & trying to keep "the peace" as best as I can. I understand that tapping on the table could get annoying but for the manager to tell me to make her do something else after explaining things...I would have thought he'd be more willing to work with us, as well as the other customers.

Our impression of this restaurant was....they call themselves a family restaurant, but really tend to cater to the seniors....regulars...people that come in all the time. I think it was the managers regulars that had the issue & since we were the "newbies" he felt it okay to be somewhat impolite over the situation to protect his regulars. That's fine to do that....but don't tell me you welcome children.....no child will be perfectly still & quiet in a restaurant. Maybe they need to seat the families on one side & put the regulars on the other side...that way everybody's happy.

Autism or not, the twins are 2. 2 yr olds, throw toys, bang cups, bottles, silverware & toys, they cry, fuss, scream......my daughter was guilty of one of those....pretty mild in comparison of most kids at restaurants.

I tried to look at this from the people complaining......If I heard the tapping & was getting annoyed...I would have looked around to see where it was coming from.....once I saw it was a baby in a highchair....I would have ignored it....if it was coming from a school age child & older...I may have said something. But maybe I'm more tolerant of kids being kids in restaurants.

Maybe you could ignore it, but maybe it's not that easy for others. I have sensory processing disorder and am very sensitive to noises. For you, listening to a tapping of a spoon is no big deal, to me, it's like someone putting my head in a tin can and banging on the side of it. Unless I'm in a crowded, noisy environment, I do not eat with others because just the sound of them chewing drives me nuts. I have to sit completely across the room from someone if they are eating something and I'm not.

I do think there was overreaction on BOTH sides of the coin (yours and the managers). You might want to think about padding a spoon if that's what she likes to bang with so it's not so noisy or waiting until she's older to visit a restaurant. Good luck!

 

[bookwormde]

you reacted but did not overreact. Good job writing corporate, so maybe they will be some training.

bookwormde

 

[kirstenb1]

Yes we take our younger dd, who has ASD out to restaurants occasionally. However, when we go out, we always try to have an "exit strategy" too. I can't tell you how many times dh or I has taken her out to the car, because she's doing _________(insert inappropriate behavior), while our older dd tries to finish her meal. Your kids are only 2, so it could have been your other daughter just as easily, who was making the noise.

Maybe next time, bring a bag of quiet toys, and a little snack for both dd's.

 

[jodifla]

After taking our twin 2 yr olds to the children's hospital in Portland, OR we stopped for lunch at an Elmer's Restaurant. We sat down, fed the girls, got our drinks & ordered our lunch. The manager comes over & informs me that we need to make our daughter stop tapping her spoon on the table because he was getting complaints. I explained to her, not only is she 2, but she's autistic & so I wouldn't be able to make her stop. He said give her something quiet to do....I said again....she's autistic & if I take the spoon from her, she will have a meltdown which will be quite loud. He said, you'll need to do something. So we did.....we left!!
On my way out, I asked him if this was a family restaurant...and he said yes. I told him, obviously it was not.

I'm sorry, but I've gone to family restaurants where kids are running around, throwing things, screaming, crying, playing with their silverware, etc & you just deal with it. I was totally caught off guard when he came over to complain about our daughter!! This was the first time we'd taken the twins out in public & actually had happy girls.

Even if we had been able to get the spoon from her, we felt very un-welcome there. We were made to feel uncomfortable.

To top things off, we get out to our car in the parking lot to find it has been totally blocked in from a full-size pickup parked in a compact stall. My husband had to go into the restaurant 3 different times to get something done about it. On the 3rd trip in (20 minutes later), my husband found out the manager had only asked one section if they owned the truck. Eventually, the owner came out with the manager hiding behind him. Ridiculous!!

So not only did we feel insulted, hurt & un-welcomed IN the restaurant...but then they didn't even care enough to help us leave.

I wrote to corporate & the better business bureau......Did I Over-React???
Is this to be expected any time we take them out?? I really am at a loss.

Sorry, you may have over-reacted. It's hard to know from your description just how distracting the spoon-banging was.


When we took out DS at that age, we were always prepared to leave, just in case. There was only a couple of memorable times where we had to do this, but everyone else is paying for their meal and deserves to enjoy their time at the restaurant.

 

[DizNee Luver]

Thanx again for the input. This really was a learning lesson for all of us. We tried to pick a place where kid noise wouldn't be an issue, but also a place that isn't crazy loud (like Chuck E. Cheese) that sets the girls off after hitting the front door. There's got to be a balance....I least I hope there is....lol

Normally my daughter doesn't bang silverware....for some reason, she got interested in the spoon. She is 100% tube fed, so silverware is somewhat foreign to her. We've tried giving her spoons at home while up in her high chair, but she usually just throws them. If I had known, she was going to actually play with it....either we would have moved it away from her reach or try to find a way to "mask" the sound.....but this was a first for her.

Again, thanx for all the responses as we process thru what happened & what we can do in the future.
We're not new to parenthood (7 kids, ages: 24, 23, 20, 8, 4 & twin 2's) but we are new to autism & sensory issues.

 

[bjgrazi]

I think you over reacted. Tapping a spoon on a table is annoying. I know if I were sitting nearby it would have bothered me. Either I would have said something nicely or had someone who worked there say something. Family restaurant doesn't mean you can annoy the people around you.

 

[KevInSweden]

I have sound sensitivity issues, as such things like that I can't filter out - though having said that it is all relative. I'll take into account the environment, how old the person is, and whether there is perhaps a way I can take myself out of the situation instead.

The situation could have been handled a little better all around, BUT those things are easy to say in hindsight. It's certainly something that you and the manager could both learn from. I do sympathise with you though, sometimes you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Yes you over-reacted.

I expect people to parent - and remove a child who will not/ cannot behave.

If you and your husband we eating lunch and a child would not stop banging -how would you react? If you are in a movie and a child starts talking - how would you react?

I would have complained too.

 

[Temair]

No you didn't over react. If the noise was disturbing other people they could have moved them farther away from you. I've been in restaurants and kids will be kids especially at 2 years old. I'm sure you were under a lot of stress especially heading to Childrens Hospital. I'm surprised you didn't yell at the Manager, I probably would have. You took the high road and got out of the situation. I think writing a letter to the corporate office is a good choice and you might even get a response from them. People tend to forget restaurants are public places and they can't control everything around them.

 

[cm8]

, Thanks for letting corporate know what your situation was/is. they may have seated you differently if they realized that some patrons have special needs.