Did I Over-React?

[SKWDW]

Sorry I think you over reacted. I would not have wanted to eat with a child pounding/tapping the table with a spoon. that is very disturbing to other guests. Just because it is family doesn't mean it has to be disturbing to other diners.

Same here. I would expect that you'd provide your child with something quiet to focus on during the meal. The manager was probably responding to complaints from other diners.

Did you or your DH share your displeasure with the truck driver? IMO that person deserved more of anger than the restaurant manager.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Try to look at it from the point of view of all the other families that were eating there. Suppose you were the family whose children were sitting coloring the paper menu waiting for their food. Finally the food comes and that family is enjoying their meal. In comes another family with two small children. One of the children takes the spoon and starts banging the table with it. Depending on where people were sitting, I can imagine it was very annoying. I can sympathize with you not wanting your child to have a melt down, but even children who do not have autism have melt downs at the age of two. Did you try drawing her attention to something else? Putting something under the spoon so it was not as loud? Feeding her crackers? Getting up and walking around outside until your food was ready? What would have happened when your food was ready? Would she have eaten it or continued to bang on the table?

I don't think you over reacted in the restaurant, but wriiting letters to the corporate office of the restaurant will do nothing except maybe get you coupons for free food as their way of apologizing.

 

[DizNee Luver]

Yes you over-reacted.

I expect people to parent - and remove a child who will not/ cannot behave.

If you and your husband we eating lunch and a child would not stop banging -how would you react? If you are in a movie and a child starts talking - how would you react?

I would have complained too.

I came for advice....I didn't cause a scene but I found your response just being mean. I do parent my children & have parented others kids for 8 yrs doing foster care. For you to assume that I wasn't & my child was misbehaving was insensitive to say the least. If she was a little older, I would have definately done something about it....but do you have kids??? Has your baby/toddler ever banged a toy, bottle, spoon etc......it's somewhat to be expected.
The only time I would react, is after I figured out where it was coming from & only if it was inappropriate for the child doing it (age, etc). I didn't realize that when we took them out to a family restaurant that my child(ren) would need to sit perfectly still & not make a noise...if that's the case....we will stay home.

Did you or your DH share your displeasure with the truck driver? IMO that person deserved more of anger than the restaurant manager.

Yes we did go off on the owner after sitting in the parking lot with screaming kids for over 20 minutes. He also was told that the police had been called because the manager didn't think it was important enough to find the owner after being told & shown 3 times.

 

[DizNee Luver]

Try to look at it from the point of view of all the other families that were eating there. Suppose you were the family whose children were sitting coloring the paper menu waiting for their food. Finally the food comes and that family is enjoying their meal. In comes another family with two small children. One of the children takes the spoon and starts banging the table with it. Depending on where people were sitting, I can imagine it was very annoying. I can sympathize with you not wanting your child to have a melt down, but even children who do not have autism have melt downs at the age of two. Did you try drawing her attention to something else? Putting something under the spoon so it was not as loud? Feeding her crackers? Getting up and walking around outside until your food was ready? What would have happened when your food was ready? Would she have eaten it or continued to bang on the table?

I don't think you over reacted in the restaurant, but wriiting letters to the corporate office of the restaurant will do nothing except maybe get you coupons for free food as their way of apologizing.

We were trying to avoid the meltdown...because it would have been far worse. Unfortunately, when my daughter starts doing something (focused in on)....we are unable to avert her attention to something new. We had no choice but to leave. She's 100% tube-fed, so offering her food wouldn't have helped in this situation. Getting her out of the highchair would have indicated to her that we were done & she would have never gotten back into it.

I think writing to corporate was a good thing, to point out that this manager does need to learn to deal with issues that arise. Something could have been done to make all feel welcome. We were made to feel very un-welcome and that was my issue with him. When he ignored the parking lot problem that just iced the cake with us.

I'm not looking for anything from them....just acknowledging that we felt like we didn't matter. There should have been a happy medium to keep all customers happy.

 

[crashbb]

There should have been a happy medium to keep all customers happy.

With sincerity, what would that have been? You've stated that there was nothing you could do to stop your daugther from banging her spoon, so what would have been a solution to the problem that would have kept everyone happy?

 

[DizNee Luver]

With sincerity, what would that have been? You've stated that there was nothing you could do to stop your daugther from banging her spoon, so what would have been a solution to the problem that would have kept everyone happy?

They could have asked for us or them to locate to the other section in the restaurant. They have 2 sides & they probably should keep families in one side & their "regulars" on the other.

If the manager had approached me with a different attitude we would have gladly moved. If he had said, "I was wondering if it would be possible to get her to stop playing with the spoon because I have some customers that are bothered by it or would it be easier for us to help you move to the different table ?" We would have done that.
the problem was he came up and says "You need to make her stop doing that, I'm getting complaints!" Even after explaining her age & autism, he had no compassion & didn't care for us as paying customers. All we ask is that we are treated with the same respect as others.

 

[bjgrazi]

They could have asked for us or them to locate to the other section in the restaurant. They have 2 sides & they probably should keep families in one side & their "regulars" on the other.

If the manager had approached me with a different attitude we would have gladly moved. If he had said, "I was wondering if it would be possible to get her to stop playing with the spoon because I have some customers that are bothered by it or would it be easier for us to help you move to the different table ?" We would have done that.
the problem was he came up and says "You need to make her stop doing that, I'm getting complaints!" Even after explaining her age & autism, he had no compassion & didn't care for us as paying customers. All we ask is that we are treated with the same respect as others.

Let me just say even if they had a side with families, I will still expect the kids to behave. Yes I have 3 kids and the youngest is 3 y/o. They know how to act in a restaurant, what is acceptable and what isn't. Banging on tables isn't acceptable. My son has tried it, we stopped if he melted down, one of us took him outside till he got it together. It's obvious if he came over and said something, it was annoying other patrons.

I'm sure it was upsetting and you probably don't like that not everyone sided with you. I don't get what writing corporate is going to get you. More than likely they'd laugh at it and think you're a special snowflake mom. I know I work for a company that gets angry parents calls, although we sound sympathetic when dealing with you. When we're done, it's a laugh fest.

 

[bjgrazi]

No you didn't over react. If the noise was disturbing other people they could have moved them farther away from you. I've been in restaurants and kids will be kids especially at 2 years old. I'm sure you were under a lot of stress especially heading to Childrens Hospital. I'm surprised you didn't yell at the Manager, I probably would have. You took the high road and got out of the situation. I think writing a letter to the corporate office is a good choice and you might even get a response from them. People tend to forget restaurants are public places and they can't control everything around them.

Really? Expect people around them to move? No, you have the offending person stop the offending act.

 

[DizNee Luver]

Let me just say even if they had a side with families, I will still expect the kids to behave. Yes I have 3 kids and the youngest is 3 y/o. They know how to act in a restaurant, what is acceptable and what isn't. Banging on tables isn't acceptable. My son has tried it, we stopped if he melted down, one of us took him outside till he got it together. It's obvious if he came over and said something, it was annoying other patrons.

I'm sure it was upsetting and you probably don't like that not everyone sided with you. I don't get what writing corporate is going to get you. More than likely they'd laugh at it and think you're a special snowflake mom. I know I work for a company that gets angry parents calls, although we sound sympathetic when dealing with you. When we're done, it's a laugh fest.

So are your children autistic or cognatively 6-8mths old?? If you haven't walked in my shoes then I don't think you should be as quick to judge.

If you have tips on how to make our 2 yr old, mentally retarded, autistic daughter behave in public, please share them. I came on here for help & suggestions not to be made to feel that I don't know how to parent my child.

Everyone acts in the moment & then has an ah-ha moment when time has passed. I'm looking for help on how to deal with public outings for her. I have been a mom for 24 yrs & have parented foster children (who's parents don't know how to parent) for over 8 yrs...I have 3 grown sons that have never gotten into drugs, alcohol, smoking, partying, or police run ins-- who all graduated from high school with good grades & moved on to college. So I must be doing something right as a parent.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me & that's why I was looking for other's opinions but instead of saying....the tapping would be annoying...did you try this? You decided I would be a good platform to judge & personally attack. If you'd like to give positive feedback that will help us in the future, then I would say thanx, but if you're looking to be mean (or as you put it...have a good laugh over) then this convo is over.

 

[tw1nsmom]

OP...I don't think any of us are trying to attack you. Parenting is hard and parenting a child with autism is even harder. Just like our children we learn through trial and error, and we've all been in the position you were in at one point or another.

What some of are saying is that our childrens' disabilities are an explanation for behavior, not an excuse. the same can be said for age. Two year olds make noise and have tantrums. However, until they learn to control themselves, then you need to learn to eat quickly and leave or stay out of sit down restaurants (even family friendly ones like Denny's and IHOP). I had many moments before I learned my lesson where DH ate his meal with one twin while I sat on a bench outside a restaurant with the screaming twin and ate my meal out of a to-go container. We treated eating at home and fast food restaurants as a training ground for nicer places. Now my children are almost 10, have fantastic manners and can be brought to any restaurant.

My friend whose child has a more severe form of autism has the same expectations for his behavior as she does for her neurotypical dd. She just knows that she needs to be even more consistent in her expectations and consequences with him as she was with her DD and that it may take him longer to graduate to nicer restaurants. She didn't lower her expectations, she actually upped the behavior requirements. With her help, her child has made leaps and bounds in his behavior.

All this is said with love from people who have been where you are now.

PS, I would have been more than a little ticked at being blocked in and the managers lack of response over it.

 

[DizNee Luver]

I've asked for this thread to be closed!

I came on here looking for help on how to do public outings with our twins, for those who agreed or disagreed with how we handled it in the heat of the moment, that offered suggestions for the future....I thank you....we are very new to autism & are still trying to understand it & how others go about day to day activities without having to keep them locked away in their home.

I never expected everyone to agree with what we did & how we reacted, but I also didn't expect to be attacked.

Please don't leave anymore responses for me, as I will no longer be following this thread.

 

[SueM in MN]

closing at OP's request.