I discovered my wife was having an affair today

[HonestAbe]

Time for HonestAbe to give all of you fools a dose of what you all need. A smackdown.

To the original guy in this thread - you need to friggin Man UP and work on your relationship. Your wife started messing around on the internet for what reason?? hmmm.....let me see....YOU are on the INTERNET telling complete strangers that she's messing around on the internet. Are you fool enough to believe that you have arent culpable as well? TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - GO TURN OFF YOUR WIFES COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - EMBRACE HER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. Started acting like it and quit playing the cowardly victim. Nobody ever said marriage was always easy. It can be hard sometimes but if you want to succeed IT TAKES WORK.

We live in a society where we care so much about what we look like that we dont care about anything but the superficial. That's why we keep wandering as individuals from toy to toy, person to person, diet to diet...etc...

1) You cannot win the fight against time. People's weights will change, their body parts will sag, they'll have to use the bathroom more, they'll start smelling like old people.

2) When you marry someone quit acting like it's a trivial matter. It's a lifelong commitment even AFTER you get divorced. If my wife and I ever split (God forbid because I LOVE my wife unlike some of you superficial ppl out there) and we have no kids I am still committed in a fashion because now I have the unfortunate claim of being a divorcee.

3) For some of you to make stereotypical remarks about women becoming cows/pastures and that's why your man leaves....I would love to have a physical altercation with you to teach you a)what being a man is about and b) defend my wifes honor.

You have insulted me and other men like me who Love their wife for who they are and have the maturity to understand not only what the definition of committment is, but are willing to practice it.

And for the women who are saying some of the same things...you make me sick too.

WHERE THE HECK DID SOME OF YOU LEARN TO BE LIKE THIS??? SHOULD WE BE SMACKING YOUR MOTHERS????

I am not devout but I PRAY for your souls.

 

[mudnuri]

pretty odd the different posts on a thread a man posts about his wife cheating.

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

 

[grlpwrd]

pretty odd the different posts on a thread a man posts about his wife cheating.

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

Good point, but the situations and circumstances are different and one poster is posting anonymously (some may find this post to be trolling) so it's not exactly the same thing.

 

[happygirl]

pretty odd the different posts on a thread a man posts about his wife cheating.

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

My problem with this guy, is he changed his name like he had something to hid, WAIT he did he said his wife was fat and unattractive. To me this guy didn't sound like he cared one way or another JMO

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, we can only work with what we've been told, Mudnuri. I mean, I'd wouldn;t tell this guy to walk unless he hinted he wanted to walk. He posted like he wants to stay. Now why he wants to stay is beyond me. He states his wife has gained weight and he is not attracted to her anymore etc. So, does he want to help her lose weight maybe or just stay in a loveless marriage or maybe even learn to love her even though she's put on some weight?

I think this hit a nerve with most woman here because he brought weight up. Most every woman I know gains weight after marriage and children. Maybe 5 lbs. Maybe 50 lbs. So, we're sensitive to the woman's feelings because of his statement. I know I have put on weight since I amrried my DH 21 years ago and if I thought he had those feelings, it'd hurt me and my self-esteem quite a bit. Esp. if some other guys thinks you still look good and tells you that and build you up. I mean, who would you rather be around?

What the OP's wife is doing is wrong. They have issues to work through and need counseling and help in this marriage.

 

[RitaZ.]

Good point, but the situations and circumstances are different and one poster is posting anonymously (some may find this post to be trolling) so it's not exactly the same thing.

I'm leaning toward that. If I found out "this afternoon" that my spouse was cheating on me, the last thing I would have energy for is to run to an internet forum to disclose my problem. I don't know, something about the post appears rehearsed and emotionally detached. Maybe someone is looking for attention or simply wants to cause a distraction.

 

[Wankerville]

First you say that you have a very young child. How young? Could this excess weight issue stem from the fact that she just had a baby 6 months ago? And even if it's been a couple of years, there are other reasons that women call it "baby weight." It comes on easily when you're pregnant. It's supposed to. Your hips spread. And guess what? They never go back! And then once the baby is born, you have to use birth control. Birth control pills have an added side effect of -- WEIGHT GAIN!

So, it can take quite a long time for a womans hormones to get regulated again. Not pregnant, to pregnant, to giving birth, to birth control pills. It takes me 2 years to get back to pre-pregnancy weight every time I have a baby.

You also say that you would NEVER tell her that you find her less attractive because of the weight. You wouldn't want to hurt her. While I commend you for that, you can't believe she doesn't know this. Why else would she be asking for more affection lately? She knows. You may not say it, but she knows.




Let me also say that I've been there. I've done that. And no, I don't mean that my spouse had a cyber affair.

I mean that I got emotionally invested in a relationship with someone on the net. There was no cyber sex involved. There were only one or two phone calls. We never met in real life. But everyday, I could not wait to come home from work to tell cyber guy everything that happened during my day.

Why wasn't I that excited to tell all that stuff to my very serious real life live-in boyfriend (who later became my husband)? Because he was never around. We had differing schedules. Plus, we were young. We had different interests. He was busy building a race car, going to the track, hanging out drinking from a dixie cup with his buddies. I didn't give a squat about racing or his buddies.

Very serious real life live-in boyfriend wasn't taking the time to spend with me, to get to know the person I was becoming, yet there was a complete stranger who was willing to take that time. It's very logical to assume that you'll be getting closer to the person you're spending the most time with.

Serious real life boyfriend found out about this, and he obviously wasn't happy about it. I admitted that I was wrong, it's another form of cheating. But he also admitted that he's part of the reason it happened, like it or not. We moved past it, without any therapy or counselling, just a lot of open and honest conversation. I guess that could be considered therapy, just without the PhD's hanging on the wall.

I guess my point of sharing all that personal information with strangers on the internet is to give a little insight to the person that started the thread. There's normally a reason when people go out looking for something "more" and it would probably serve you well to look at your part in all this, instead of placing the blame squarely on your wifes shoulders. Yes, she is surely in the wrong category, and you are in the wronged category. But that doesn't mean you're 100% right either.

 

[EltonJohn]

I find the reactions to both threads odd as well Brandy. Of course I also find it odd that one would post something this personal on a public message board. There are a lot of bad people out there on the net.

 

[EltonJohn]

You also say that you would NEVER tell her that you find her less attractive because of the weight. You wouldn't want to hurt her. While I commend you for that, you can't believe she doesn't know this. Why else would she be asking for more affection lately? She knows. You may not say it, but she knows.

That might be part of the problem-lack of communication and honesty within the relationship.

 

[TwingleMum]

I don't mean to offend, but that is really how most guys feel. It is really depressing to see all of my friends with wives that have gained 50+ pounds. Most of them are cheating now. I'm just telling it like it is.

I hear you and my friends who's hubby's lost their hair are cheating with 20 yr olds with beautiful heads of hair.

 

[Lovin' Lorne]

I find the reactions to both threads odd as well Brandy. Of course I also find it odd that one would post something this personal on a public message board. There are a lot of bad people out there on the net.

Not only a public message board, but a Disney one? Even if the OP really is a regular member who's using an alias, why here? I think I'd be posting all of this at a marriage-centric site where people who really know what they're talking about could offer advice. Not that you guys don't know what you're talking about, but you know what I mean.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Not directed at the OP, but I just can't understand all this talk about how one just loses all attraction to one's spouse when they gain 40 lbs. GF has fluctuated 60+ lbs in the first year and a half I knew her. It made no difference to me and I wasn't even committed to her at that point. I can't imagine having made a life time commitment to someone and then a few years later making an addendum to the wedding vows "in sickness and in health and only so long as you stay reasonably skinny."

I am someone who is generally more attracted to people who are a bit thicker. I cannot for the life of me though imagine that if GF suddenly because a size 2, I would be telling her "I'm sorry, I'm not attracted to you anymore. You need to get fat so I'll want to sleep with you again." (And somehow I can't imagine I'd get anything but outrage from the DIS community for insisting that she get fat for my visual pleasure.)

I especially don't understand it, because I would think anyone who gets married and intends to actually be together for a significant portion of one's life has to expect that their partner's appearance is going to change in unexpected ways. I am not currently attracted to 60 year old women--like any of them. But hopefully one day GF and I will be together when we are in our 60s. I fully expect that I will be attracted to her as a 60 year old woman because it is still her. If I just can't be attracted to any 60 year old looking person, even my own life partner, then that seems like *my* problem that I need some serious counseling for.

Seriously I just can't get over how people feel about 40 lbs. My mother just had breast cancer a few years ago and had both breasts removed and now has a massive scar across her completely flat/verging on sunken in chest. I am sure that anyone, no matter how much they love someone cannot help but be visually affected by a scar like that (MUCH, MUCH more than being visually affected by 40 lbs that are gained over years). Since my father is human, I am sure it was hard to get used to his wife's body looking so mutilated. But you know what, if he ever told her that he just wasn't attracted to her anymore, or that he just couldn't have sex with her because of the appearance of that scar, or that she needed to get reconstructive surgery so he was attracted to her again I would never speak to him again!

Jeez, when GF and I consider vows for get married we've never considered adding in an exception clause noting anything that might affect our visual attractiveness to one another--I'll be with you forever "unless you start looking old, get wrinkled, having sagging skin, go prematurely gray, gain too much weight, lose too much weight, have your breasts removed, get saggy breasts, have a breast reduction, go bald from chemo, have your face mauled by a dog in a way that leaves you looking deformed, have a stroke that leaves you unable to take care of your own toilet needs, lose a limb, etc, etc."

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if she gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. We signed on with the woman we married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

What do you think husbands look like after a few years?

 

[shortyK]

Time for HonestAbe to give all of you fools a dose of what you all need. A smackdown.

To the original guy in this thread - you need to friggin Man UP and work on your relationship. Your wife started messing around on the internet for what reason?? hmmm.....let me see....YOU are on the INTERNET telling complete strangers that she's messing around on the internet. Are you fool enough to believe that you have arent culpable as well? TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - GO TURN OFF YOUR WIFES COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - EMBRACE HER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. Started acting like it and quit playing the cowardly victim. Nobody ever said marriage was always easy. It can be hard sometimes but if you want to succeed IT TAKES WORK.

We live in a society where we care so much about what we look like that we dont care about anything but the superficial. That's why we keep wandering as individuals from toy to toy, person to person, diet to diet...etc...

1) You cannot win the fight against time. People's weights will change, their body parts will sag, they'll have to use the bathroom more, they'll start smelling like old people.

2) When you marry someone quit acting like it's a trivial matter. It's a lifelong commitment even AFTER you get divorced. If my wife and I ever split (God forbid because I LOVE my wife unlike some of you superficial ppl out there) and we have no kids I am still committed in a fashion because now I have the unfortunate claim of being a divorcee.

3) For some of you to make stereotypical remarks about women becoming cows/pastures and that's why your man leaves....I would love to have a physical altercation with you to teach you a)what being a man is about and b) defend my wifes honor.

You have insulted me and other men like me who Love their wife for who they are and have the maturity to understand not only what the definition of committment is, but are willing to practice it.

And for the women who are saying some of the same things...you make me sick too.

WHERE THE HECK DID SOME OF YOU LEARN TO BE LIKE THIS??? SHOULD WE BE SMACKING YOUR MOTHERS????

I am not devout but I PRAY for your souls.

 

[Holly]

Jeez, when GF and I consider vows for get married we've never considered adding in an exception clause noting anything that might affect our visual attractiveness to one another--I'll be with you forever "unless you start looking old, get wrinkled, having sagging skin, go prematurely gray, gain too much weight, lose too much weight, have your breasts removed, get saggy breasts, have a breast reduction, go bald from chemo, have your face mauled by a dog in a way that leaves you looking deformed, have a stroke that leaves you unable to take care of your own toilet needs, lose a limb, etc, etc."

I'm laughing, hard, but I understand your intended point and I completely agree.

My other half is a few decades older than myself and in fine form, but even that wasn't the case- appearance wouldn't dictate what my feelings are.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

What do you think husbands look like after a few years?

Oh I have been dying to post that. My DH has gained 120 lbs since I first met him. He's lost about 30 lbs so far but he's not working very hard to lose any more. Is he less physically attractive to me - yes but I still love him. We've been married 20 years, I'm not about to ditch that just because he gained some weight. Heck I weigh about 30 pounds more than when we met and I did work hard and lose it all for a while but it keeps coming back A personal trainer showed me the statistics that a woman will gain 11 pounds with every pregnancy that she is unable to lose. I believe it.

 

[Barbossa]

I guess I'm very blessed that now of my friends that are married finds there spouses unattractive. How do you work on finding some attractive?? It's either there or it's not

There are plenty of ways that you can make yourself more attractive to your spouse. If it's a critical issue in a marriage than it should be worked on. My main point was that, IMO, for the sake of your children you don't break your family up unless the circumstances are dire. Waning attraction is not a dire circumstance.

A side comment to some of the discussion about women and weight gain: Personally, I think women with curves are hot. It is said: "Bone is for the dog. Meat is for the man!"

 

[catobsessed]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. If I could offer you one piece of advice it would be to forgive your wife and work on your marriage. Not just for the kids. My parents had one of those marriages, and it was awful. If you don't think you can love and respect your wife again, you would be better off leaving. Trust me, kids know when mommy and daddy don't love each other, and it does damage their perspective on things. They say love is a choice. Well, attractiveness can be a choice, too. You need to accept that your wife isn't going to look like she did on your wedding day forever. Men who expect that should never get married. Remember that death do you part stuff? Doesn't that imply that one day she'll get older? Deal with it. Seriously. Because between you and me, I bet you're no male model, either. You want her to be attracted to you when you get a gut and get wrinkles and go grey and go bald and have prostate problems, right? Don't be a hypocrite.

Understand this affair for what it is, a desperate plea from your wife for attention. Realize that if she wanted a physical affair, she could have had one. The fact that she wanted to get caught says to me that she doesn't want attention from some other man as much as she wants some from the man she has! Your wife needs to promise never to contact strange men on the computer again. She needs to agree to counseling. Determine what she can do to earn your trust again, and be clear about your needs.

Take this tragedy and turn it into a chance to make your relationship better than ever.

 

[Barbossa]

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

This is an accurate observation. I think it's due to two factors: 1) That the majority of Disboard members are female, and 2) The general disdain that today's society has for men. Men are generally portrayed as unintelligent, bad and/or absent parents, pedophiles, and obligated to serve their female counterparts with little or no expectation of anything in return. Feminism (which, in its moderate form, I certainly don't disagree with) has truly made us pay for the sins of our fathers.

 

[Disney Doll]

Some thoughts:
~ Your wife was very wrong to look elsewhere for something she should have been getting from you.
~ If your wife wasn't getting from you what she wanted, she should have told you about it. I know she told you a month ago about the need for more affection, but if she told you about it a month ago, her feelings about it have probably been going on a lot longer. And she should have been discussing them with you back then, before things came to a head.
~ I am not one for breaking up marriages, but I am one for being prepared in the event that it happens. So I will give you the same advice that I give women who come here to post about marital issues...get your financial house in order. Make sure you know what you have, and what you will need to provide for your children in the event that your marriage ends in divorce. Look at savings, retirement accounts, mortgage/rent costs, costs of living etc.
~ Finances...you say counselling is expensive...divorce is even more so...financially and emotionally, and the worst toll is taken on the children. Find the money for counselling. Look into some of the less expensive alternatives if necessary, talk to a clergy person. Many of them have education in mental health counselling etc. There are those that will say "what do they know if they've never been married?" (if your religion is such that clergy don't marry). But my neighbor across the street is a never-married marriage and family therapist with a thriving practice...education is education. I'm a nurse. I haven't had a parent die. Does that mean I am unable to help any of my patients' children when their parent is dying? I don't think so...
~ I, too, am kind of surprised at what appears to be a lack of emotion on your part. Maybe it is the shock of it. Maybe because you have been unfaithful in the past you have a better understanding of what your wife was thinking/feeling. But it almost seems like you just don't care. Indifference is worse than hate. If your wife is feeling that you have become indifferent to her, maybe that is part of her reason for looking elsewhere for affeciton. I am not excusing it. I don't think there is an excuse for cheating. But it could explain it.
~ If her weight is bothering you, there are ways to say it that wouldn't get you into the doghouse. Tell her you are concerned about her, concerned about her health. Tell her you want to help her lose weight, and what can you do? You are at a crisis point in your marriage...now is not the time to hold back because you don't want to hurt her feelings...now is the time to tell her what is bothering and make a concerted effort to fix things. That doesn't mean you say "You're a fat slob and I can't stand the sight of you". It means you say "One of the things that worries me is your weight & how it affects your health. I am concerned & I'd like to help you become healthier for us and so that you are around for our children. What can we do?". Then do it. Walking, biking, going to Weight Watchers with her, helping her cook better meals. My DH is heavy. He has been going to WW for a couple of months now, has lost 40+ pounds, doing great, looks great. He, too, has quite a bit of weight to lose, but since I am not Susie Perfect Body, I still find him attractive and thankfully he finds me attractive too. What am I doing to support him? Not buying junk food, not eating junk food, finding WW appropriate recipes in magazines, complimenting him on how good he looks, reminding him of the positive effect on his health thus far...stopped his blood pressure pills, his clothes fit better, his knees don't hurt.
~ Don't underestimate the need for you & your wife to have some individual counselling as well as couples counselling. A PP mentioned that you need to determine if you truly love your wife. And you do. And she may need to do the same. She may also medication to "kick start" her change. Men may not like to hear it, but hormones play a much bigger part in women's lives than they do in men's. Our hormonal balances change on a monthly basis, they change after we have children, they change in our middle age years. You don't say how old your children are, but if they are very young, she could have some post-partum changes that have led to a mild depression...a feeling of "I don't care"...indifference or apathy. Oftentimes, short-term anti-depressant therapy is enough to get someone on the right track of eating properly, exercising properly (both of which affect mental health). I know you say money is an issue...but it is an issue of how much your marriage is worth to you?
~ You say you'll get beyond this...but will you "get beyond it" as in "well, I don't want to get divorced so I'll just hang in for a while" or will it be "boy, that rough patch was the best thing that ever happened to us because look how great we are together now".
~ Don't call the guy's wife. Stay out of their marriage and fix your own.

The two of you are the only ones who can decide what your marriage is worth.

And if you're a troll...well then I just wasted 10 minutes of my life.