Your thoughts on Jack & Jill gifts?

[Scurvy]

Jack and Jills are nothing new. My in-laws had one 40 years ago. My cousin had one 25 years ago. I don't see how people giving money at a party is any different than people giving a gift at a shower. Are showers also tacky?

People don't charge admission for most showers. If someone chooses to give money as a gift, that's entirely up to them and not tacky at all. Demanding it from your "guests" is considered tacky in most places. In fact, in a situation like that they aren't guests, they're customers.

Obviously this sort of thing is acceptable in some regions. It's a "know your audience" situation. I'm sure the people in those regions who are accustomed to these events don't find them tacky. But you have to understand that most people are not accustomed to being asked to pay admission to a party. To the vast majority of people it is tacky, and is a huge breach of etiquette. It would be rude for someone to go to an area that does this and tell everyone how tacky they are for doing it, just as it would be rude to complain at a wedding where there is a Dollar Dance. But if you're going to have a regional custom that is this far from mainstream accepted etiquette, you're going to have to realize that most people elsewhere are going to find it tacky.

 

[kiddo76]

People don't charge admission for most showers. If someone chooses to give money as a gift, that's entirely up to them and not tacky at all. Demanding it from your "guests" is considered tacky in most places. In fact, in a situation like that they aren't guests, they're customers.

So it's acceptable to show up to a shower without a gift?

Oh well, I guess everyone in MA is tacky, since most of the people I've known who got married in MA had a Jack and Jill.

 

[Nancyg56]

But just because this is something that you haven't heard of doesn't mean you need to make such negative comments on it. I wouldn't knock down something that is acceptable say, in the south or out west, just because I hadn't heard of it or might not agree with. I actually would be interested in learning more about it. But I guess that's just me.

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Not just you. I like knowing how others celebrate and what is "normal" in their areas.

You posted a question and I responded. IMO, Jack and Jills are nothing more than pre-wedding reception receptions. I had no idea anywhere would consider such events to be acceptable. I think they are as tacky as anything I have ever heard of.

As for wanting to learn more about it, well for something that sounds like a fun idea, I definitely like to learn more about things. This, however, is a fund raiser for a betrothed couple. I can't see how that is a worthy cause. Young people today have more advantages than at any other time in history, yet they seem to be the greediest. Gimme gimme I am entitled seems to be the battle cry.

Wow. When I was a kid, my family all lived in the Boston area and that is where I learned about jack and jills. Back then weddings, showers and J&'s were family affairs so I got to go to them. As an adult I have attended several here and only on one occasion did the wedding couple seem to be gift grabbers and it was not the party alone that gave that away.

IMO, you do not need to be familiar with a practice to make it acceptable. I have always had fun at these laid back parties. Invitations are generally not sent out, members of the bridal party sell tickets as they would for a stag party. No one who chooses not to go need attend, and if tickets are purchased you do get something for your money. The setting is nowhere near as formal as a wedding and way more fun IMO. Determinng that a custom you do not follow means that the couple is greedy is taking a leap.

When I had a J&J for my son DH and I used the occasion to have extended family and some friends enjoy a good meal and dancing. We did not sell tickets but in our case, the occasion was in place of a shower for my lovely DDIL to be and we knew that the drive was going to be a lot for my cousins. Inviting the family made more sense to us.

Now as to the fundraiser aspect. Stag=fundraiser. Shower= gift raiser. What difference does it make? I have to add, there was no shower for DD and my family made it clear that they wanted the opportunity to help DS. We all know why showers or stags take place and we all do what we can to help the couples. Not one of us considers these occasions gift grabbing opportunities,

 

[Scurvy]

So it's acceptable to show up to a shower without a gift?

Oh well, I guess everyone in MA is tacky, since most of the people I've known who got married in MA had a Jack and Jill.

A shower is a traditional gift giving event, so it would be highly unusual to show up without a gift. The amount and form of the gift is completely up to the guest, though. No one is demanding a specific amount as the price of admission.
Showers are not done in many places outside of the US, so if someone from here was to invite someone from elsewhere to one then they'd probably be considered tacky. Here in the US they are considered perfectly appropriate.

Apparently these events are considered acceptable within your social circle, so it wouldn't be tacky to invite the people in that circle to an event like that. Since you'd be unlikely to invite someone from outside of your circle, you probably wouldn't have to worry about your guests considering you tacky. And if you did invite someone who didn't approve of such events, they'd probably just decline the invitation and that would be the end of it. Hopefully they wouldn't attend if they were going to be judgemental about it.

 

[NMAmy]

Now as to the fundraiser aspect. Stag=fundraiser. Shower= gift raiser. What difference does it make? I have to add, there was no shower for DD and my family made it clear that they wanted the opportunity to help DS. We all know why showers or stags take place and we all do what we can to help the couples. Not one of us considers these occasions gift grabbing opportunities,

Okay, now I'm lost again. I've never heard of a stag party as a fundraiser either. I've never heard of tickets being sold to attend one. Every stag or bachelor party was a bunch of guys going out drinking at a strip bar. There was no fundraising involved that I ever knew of although maybe there was something going on that I missed since I'm not a guy.

 

[indimom]

Hm, never heard of this before, Isn't it amazing how differently events are handled across the country. I find this stuff just fascinating!!!
I'm pretty sure there are areas of the country where my wedding would have been an absolute horror filled with tackiness and scary country traditions (and no, we didn't wear camo or kill any animals ).
To each their own! Have fun and I would follow the advice of those posters who have been to such an event before. They seem to understand the proper etiquette.

 

[design_mom]

Okay, now I'm lost again. I've never heard of a stag party as a fundraiser either. I've never heard of tickets being sold to attend one. Every stag or bachelor party was a bunch of guys going out drinking at a strip bar. There was no fundraising involved that I ever knew of although maybe there was something going on that I missed since I'm not a guy.

I'm lost, too. I thought bachelor/stag parties were "one last 'guy's night out'" before the wedding? No gifts. No tickets. My DH and his friends went to an arcade and played video games all night (not traditional), but there was no fundraising. Is it different elsewhere? (Not judging, just curious.)

 

[arminnie]

I guess I should clarify that a Jack & Jill takes place of a bridal shower and a stag party. It's basically a party for all the men and women instead of having two separate parties.

Now as to the fundraiser aspect. Stag=fundraiser. Shower= gift raiser. What difference does it make? I have to add, there was no shower for DD and my family made it clear that they wanted the opportunity to help DS. We all know why showers or stags take place and we all do what we can to help the couples. Not one of us considers these occasions gift grabbing opportunities,

Don't any of you people just give parties to celebrate the marriage without making them gift giving events?

I have been going to weddings for 30 years - I've lived in Detroit, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, New York, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Little Rock and Tulsa. Literally from one end of the country to the other. I've probably missed a couple of cities and have lived in many of these places twice.

I have given, co-hosted or attended numerous lunches for the brides and her friends and dinners for the couple with men and women invited. These are NEVER gift giving events. When I was younger and had little money several of us would go in together and maybe give a spaghetti dinner in someone's home.

I recently gave a luncheon the day before the wedding for a friend's daughter and about 40 of her friends and relatives. I just called a restaurant and they did everything. If I could not have afforded that I would have picked a cheap place, etc.

It is all about getting together with friends and family. Showers are usually very limited - maybe one or two. Often if there are step-parents each side wants their own. Quite frankly almost every bride I've known has the shower because her mother wants it.

As far as helping out the couple you can give them as much or as little as you want for a wedding gift.

 

[Aimros]

I don't know why people get so up in arms about a J&J. I've seen this happen so many times on those wedding boards I choose not to go on anymore because they make me feel bad about myself... haha! In my experience, no one is "invited" to a Jack and Jill... instead you hear about it from word of mouth and buy tickets from a wedding party member. Therefore, the people going are making the choice to go. I don't understand why people think it's so bad to give the wedding couple money either. Just because they're having a J&J doesn't mean they CAN'T afford their wedding, but why isn't it nice just to help them out? Weddings are expensive! I certainly don't mind paying $15-25 for a ticket to have a fun night out with friends knowing that money is going to be put to good use. I'd rather give a wedding couple $25 to do whatever they want with then a blender that's going to get shoved under the counter and never used.

Maybe I'll just accept the fact that I'm tacky.

 

[allison443]

Gee I hope I see all these tolerant attitudes the next time there is a discussion of a NY/NJ/Long Island wedding and the topic is "covering you plate" and giving a cash gift of $300 or more......

 

[Scurvy]

I don't understand why people think it's so bad to give the wedding couple money either.

I don't think it's tacky to give the couple money. If you'd rather give them $25 than a toaster, you should. Did anyone actually say it was tacky for you to choose to give money?

Gee I hope I see all these tolerant attitudes the next time there is a discussion of a NY/NJ/Long Island wedding and the topic is "covering you plate" and giving a cash gift of $300 or more......

I'd think that the people who support these wedding fundraisers would be very in favor of covering your plate when there isn't a "Jack and Jill" with ticket sales before the wedding. After all, it's just another way of helping the couple to cover the wedding costs.

 

[Aimros]

I don't think it's tacky to give the couple money. If you'd rather give them $25 than a toaster, you should. Did anyone actually say it was tacky for you to choose to give money?

Well it seems as though there is a general concensus that spending money to buy a ticket to go to a party (that is "funding" the wedding) is tacky. So, if I'm not doing a bridal shower and am not asking/inviting people to go to a J&J, is it tacky for people to buy a ticket? Or should I just put my hand out and ask for $25 instead?

 

[kiddo76]

I don't think it's tacky to give the couple money. If you'd rather give them $25 than a toaster, you should. Did anyone actually say it was tacky for you to choose to give money?






I'd think that the people who support these wedding fundraisers would be very in favor of covering your plate when there isn't a "Jack and Jill" with ticket sales before the wedding. After all, it's just another way of helping the couple to cover the wedding costs.

I've never heard of 'covering your plate', but we typically give everyone the same amount of a gift, which should more than cover the cost of our dinner at even the nicest places, in addition to any shower gifts or money spent at a J&J.

And J&Js aren't anymore 'wedding fundraisers' than showers are 'wedding gift drives'.

 

[Aimros]

And J&Js aren't anymore 'wedding fundraisers' than showers are 'wedding gift drives'.

 

[kiddo76]

Well it seems as though there is a general concensus that spending money to buy a ticket to go to a party (that is "funding" the wedding) is tacky. So, if I'm not doing a bridal shower and am not asking/inviting people to go to a J&J, is it tacky for people to buy a ticket? Or should I just put my hand out and ask for $25 instead?

Nope, you should stand at the end of the receiving line at your wedding with a little satin purse for people to deposit checks into, then have a dollar dance, with a cash bar that you get kick backs from. Don't forget to mail registry information with your invites.

Seriously, don't worry about what people on a message board think about YOUR wedding. Ask around your own circle of family and friends if you are unsure if something 'should' be done or not. They are the best judges.

 

[kimblebee]

Thanks everyone for letting me know that I'm tacky. If someone would just call me rude, my day would be complete

 

[Scurvy]

Well it seems as though there is a general concensus that spending money to buy a ticket to go to a party (that is "funding" the wedding) is tacky. So, if I'm not doing a bridal shower and am not asking/inviting people to go to a J&J, is it tacky for people to buy a ticket? Or should I just put my hand out and ask for $25 instead?

No, spending money on the ticket isn't tacky. You can do whatever you want with your money. Charging admission to a party is tacky (and so is asking for money) according to mainstream etiquette. But if it's acceptable within your social circle, then it shouldn't matter to you that people outside of that circle don't approve.

Nope, you should stand at the end of the receiving line at your wedding with a little satin purse for people to deposit checks into, then have a dollar dance, with a cash bar that you get kick backs from. Don't forget to mail registry information with your invites.

. . . all of which are considered acceptable in some circles, but are considered tacky according to mainstream etiquette. Typically the people who do those things don't care that some other people find them tacky. I assume these Jack and Jills are no different.

 

[kiddo76]

No, spending money on the ticket isn't tacky. You can do whatever you want with your money. Charging admission to a party is tacky (and so is asking for money) according to mainstream etiquette. But if it's acceptable within your social circle, then it shouldn't matter to you that people outside of that circle don't approve.




. . . all of which are considered acceptable in some circles, but are considered tacky according to mainstream etiquette. Typically the people who do those things don't care that some other people find them tacky. I assume these Jack and Jills are no different.

What is 'mainstream etiquette'?

 

[kiddo76]

Oh, and I'm pretty sure calling anyone tacky is poor etiquette, whether the 'mainstream' or 'fringe' type of etiquette.

So, do places like Elks clubs, VFW, never have dances or dinners where you have to buy tickets to attend? Or hotels have New Year's Eve parties where you have to buy tickets?

 

[Scurvy]

What is 'mainstream etiquette'?

I hadn't realized you weren't familiar with it. That could explain some of the confusion on this thread, though! Etiquette involves a set of guidelines that make social interactions easier, so you're less likely to inadvertently offend someone. You might want to look through books or websites by Emily Post or Miss Manners if you want to learn more about it. Not everyone follows it these days but it's certainly handy for avoiding uncomfortable situations. By "mainstream etiquette", I mean the etiquette guidelines that are observed by the majority of people in the US (and are found in etiquette books), since obviously there are regional variations in what is considered acceptable, and some social circles have different customs as well.