What are your house rules for high school teens?

[robinb]

We have house rules but they are all verbal. Don't go into people's houses unless I know them. I need to know where you and who you are with are at all times. Answer your phone when I call. My 14-year old freshman/sophomore DD has been exhibiting some delightful teen behaviors (lying, being mouthy, disrespectful, hanging out with bad kids) and we need to rein her in a bit and she needs to know that she's being reined in. I think that my DH and I have been relying too much on her having common sense and we have completely forgotten that she's a teen. Now it's time for my DH and I need to put together a written list so that all 3 of us know what they are and are all on the same page. I'd like to pick the collective DIS brain for your house rules and consequences. I know every kid and every family is different but I am sure we'll be able to share some good ideas.

 

[sk!mom]

DD just turned 18 and is headed off to college in August. Thankfully we made it through without the need of written rules.

Pretty much our only rules were: Make good choices and Let us know where you are at all times.

We had only one rough patch this past Fall and the consequence was the loss of her smart phone, social media, and close supervision for a couple of months. Luckily for our relationship, she was able to appreciate that she needed that time to distance her self from a boyfriend and a relationship that had become very unhealthy. The two months of him being unable to contact her allowed her the time to get her head straight and realize that she had become increasingly unhappy which was hurting all of her healthy relationships- with us and her long time good friends. By Christmas, things were back to normal and she finished Senior year well.

I think accountability is key. DD always knew that we would be checking in. Not in a spying on her way but just are you making good choices. As long as she did this we always were "yes" parents rather than "no." Meaning, from Middle School, she could make her own plans and we just OK'ed them..."I'm spending the night with Morgan tonight." (OK) "We're all going to the movies tonight."(OK) We trusted her and didn't feel that she needed our permission to make plans to do things. We also paid her an allowance twice a month that was adequate for lunches out and weekend activities so she never had to ask us for money if she managed her money well- which she did. Her friends with really punitive parents or parents who constantly said no seemed to be the most rebellious. I mean what teen is going to be happy to stay home with dad and mom while their friends are at the movies.

 

[NHdisneylover]

We have similar rules. My two teens are expected to let me know where they are and call or text if plans change and they head elsewhere.

Mine go most places on public transit. I like them to call when they leave somewhere and head home, especially if it is late or dark, so I know when they are in transit--and they know to stick to well lit and busy areas and if they ever cannot do so they know to call and stay on the line with me as they travel.

They do go to homes of people I do not know. There are several parents of classmates that i have never met and would struggle to do so with varied schedules. I have to trust that if these kids are in school together, my teens can judge a feel for the family as well as I can and will be okay going over to hang with friends--I do want addresses and phones numbers, but that is all.

I also expect everyone to chip in and help out around the house, etc.

 

[wdw4rfam]

I've been lucky so far. My DD (17) has been a great teen. She has great instincts and is very open with us. She has to tell me where she is and who she is with, and has a midnight curfew, unless they are doing something that lasts later but we are flexible because she has given us no reason to not be so far. She does go to homes that I've never met the parents, heck, she's been dating the same kid for 6 months and I've never met his parents, but I do know the address of where she is. Other than that no major rules.

 

[StephMK]

Ugh, not looking forward to the HS years - DD14 is starting as a freshman this year and I can easily see her developing similar habits. DD20 was a rule follower so she was pretty easy but DD14 has always been more difficult. I think you are smart to get this settled now.

In our house, grades are a good determination if you are going to be able to participate in weekend social events. I know it's harder in the summer. Also, caught lying doubles whatever punishment you'd get for whatever it is you felt you needed to lie about. The kids know we are typically "yes" parents like pp stated unless they give us reasons to doubt them or they are not holding up their end of things.

1) Grades must be passing - The expectation is that you do your best work and the grade is not as important. A & B are the assumption unless we know you are truly struggling. Not turning in work, no studying, or late work are unacceptable reasons for bad grades.

2) Be honest. I expect you to be with the people you tell me and the place you say you will be. Not a big issue yet because she has to get rides wherever she wants to go. She did have some issues being honest about schoolwork

3) No disrespect or talking back at all. This is a huge pet peeve of DH's.

4) We never set a curfew but it was expected that whenever the activity was over, you would be home within a reasonable time. That may change based on DD's habits.

The consequences are either no social outings of any kind &/or taking away the social media. For things they want, we usually make them earn it in some way. DD14 wants her ears double pierced. She had to bring up her grades and have no late work the last quarter of school. She did it and will get them pierced Monday. She wants a better phone - she has to keep her grades up until Christmas.

I would suggest a combination of consequences and positive reinforcements for making good choices. DD is definitely motivated about working towards things she wants. I always point out to her how much more pleasant life is in general for everyone when she makes good choices. Good luck!

 

[Colleen27]

DS is 16 now and basically the rules are keep me informed about where you are and who you're with, no riding with teen drivers unless you have specifically cleared it with me first, live up to your responsibilities (grades, chores, working for my inlaws) and be honest. Everything else is negotiable - for example, curfew depends on what's going on and I don't flip out if he texts to tell me he's running a bit late or wants a ride instead of walking. Honesty is the biggie and on that count we've been lucky - if anything, DS is a bit TOO honest and tends towards sharing every thought that flits through his head, but he hasn't shied away from talking to me about difficult teen issues, the prevalence of substance use among his peers, and things like that.

I"m not looking forward to DD12's high school years. She's much more reserved, almost to the point of being secretive when something is bothering her, so I expect a tougher time keeping tabs on her social world than I have with DS.

 

[shortbun]

The same safety rules we talked about all through his life were in place in high school. Let me know where you are. Don't give in to peer pressure on the really important issues-unsafe driving, drugs, alcohol, sex, cigarettes. He graduated this year, so far, so good.

 

[EMode]

1) Grades must be passing - The expectation is that you do your best work and the grade is not as important. A & B are the assumption unless we know you are truly struggling. Not turning in work, no studying, or late work are unacceptable reasons for bad grades.

2) Be honest. I expect you to be with the people you tell me and the place you say you will be. Not a big issue yet because she has to get rides wherever she wants to go. She did have some issues being honest about schoolwork

3) No disrespect or talking back at all. This is a huge pet peeve of DH's.

4) We never set a curfew but it was expected that whenever the activity was over, you would be home within a reasonable time. That may change based on DD's habits.

My dd is 16 and tese are pretty much the same as our rules.
I will add

5) No riding with newly licensed drivers.
6) If you are in a situation with alcohol and/or drugs call me or dh for transportation. No questions asked.

 

[clh2]

My DD is now a junior in college, so YES - we did survive the high school years!

Things I would consider putting into written rules -there is no standard curfew. Your "time" to be home any particular night will be dependent on the activity, who is driving, what time the activity will be over etc. This worked very well for us.

While probably not an issue today, since I'm guessing that none of her friends are driving is - you may not be a passenger in a friends car unless you have specifically asked you and it has been approved. Where I live, people start to get driver's licenses as freshman, if they are 16.

There will be no late night cooking in the house. (The smell just drives me nuts, and keeps me from sleeping!). Microwaved stuff is fine - just do not turn on the oven,

No late nights during the week during summer vacation - as parents need their sleep to function appropriately at work the next day!

In the rules - I would also lay down some expectations on household chores, if any are expected. We backed off on this when DD was a junior because between 2 sports, a competitive problem solving team, AP classes and a job, and a steady volunteer gig she did at church, she really didn't have extra time for chores.

Consequences were loss of privileges. Didn't happen often, but it did make an impact. Before DD had a car - her "bad-attitude" consequence was to take the bus in the morning for about a week - usually I drove her to school. The yellow bus comes at 6:20, the "mom-bus" left the house at 6:45 or 6:50. We never took her phone as a consequence, as that would have been punishing us. I wanted to reduce her driving privileges after a speeding ticket, but DH and I were not on the same page, and we left it as - if you get a second ticket, then there will be a driving-related consequence. (Luckily - that did not happen.)

I would also put in a common-sense clause in a written set of rules, because you don't want to get caught in a technicality...i.e. MOM - it didn't say in the rules that I wasn't supposed to shoplift, toilet paper the neighbors house, jump onto moving trains, vandalize the school etc.

My best advice - mom and dad need to be on the same page as far as expectations and consequences. Don't forget - consequences in high school penalize the parents too, so pick and choose them carefully.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

My four kids are adults now. During their teen years, I really had minimal rules. I did ask them to let me know where they were and when they would be home, out of courtesy, just as I would let them know where I was going to be and when I'd be home. No curfews, but we would talk about plans for the evening and what they'd be doing so I knew when to expect them home.

In terms of school, I didn't see that as my responsibility. I would help them in whatever way I could when asked (setting aside an area for homework, buying school supplies, waking them up to be on time for school) as requested, but the rest was up to them - school is a tool to be used to achieve your goals. Their goals, not mine. (All four did very well in school and went on to university.) (Of course I was always willing to talk with them about how I could help or any challenges they were facing.)

Challenges we had: my son wanted to borrow my car for an entire weekend at one point, to go to another city. I didn't have definite plans to go anywhere but didn't want to be without my car, so I said no. He was very resentful about that for a long time, and in retrospect I wish I had worked with him to figure out another plan. When a similar situation came up later, I had the child give me money to rent a car (teens can't rent a car) and that was better. I wished I had been more open to negotiating with him to find a solution for both of us, rather than the flat "no."

My daughter had a much-older boyfriend at one point, and I was concerned about the relationship. She's quite a strong personality so i wasn't worried about her with kids her own age but I could see this older guy dominating her and perhaps pressuring her into things she didn't want to do. So we had a talk about it. One, that I would come and get her any time she wanted, no recriminations or hassle, and two that she would tell him she needed to be home by midnight. It was the only time we did anything like a curfew, but it was the result of a mutual discussion.

I don't find the idea of consequences to be a helpful one, so that's not something I do.

TP

 

[laurafergie]

I agree with the PPs. I am on my 4th teen kid and we've always taken the approach (even when they were little) as long as they operate within established parameters, then they have the freedom to do whatever they choose. We do allow them to go to people's houses we don't know, though an address is required.

Established parameters for teens would be:

Answer your phone or at least text whenever I call, as the phone is for my convenience, not yours.

We know where you are at all times.

Household chores must be done daily, even if you have activities.

Grades must be at an acceptable level.

We must meet boyfriends and they must come in the house when picking you up.

And that's about it. The funny thing is, we're known as the "permissive" parents!

We do supplement their spending money. But frankly, once they were old enough for a job it wasn't necessary. And some things are a given, like not lying, respectful at all times,

ETA No curfew as the time back changes with what they are doing. Also, like pps, it is also a given if they are in a dangerous situation, i.e. Alcohol, drugs, boyfriend weirds out, etc... call immediately, no questions asked.

 

[mjkacmom]

Mine are similar to those on this thread. I do want to know where you are, in a general area. Keep your phone charged, answer my texts. Get good grades, stay out of trouble. Be respectful. Help around the house (I have to ask for specific things, but it will be done).

My kids (knock on wood) haven't gotten into any trouble, I like their friends (even though I don't know a lot of the parents - haven't known parents since elementary school).

I think my troublemaker will be ds11, but at least I'll be able to focus on him.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My dd is 16 and tese are pretty much the same as our rules.
I will add

5) No riding with newly licensed drivers.
6) If you are in a situation with alcohol and/or drugs call me or dh for transportation. No questions asked.

I didn't even think to list that as a rule (I was just thinking in the terms the OP mentioned) but YES. This is something we have always emphasized.

Along those lines:

Both my teens know they can ALWAYS use me as an excuse to get out of ANYthing they are not comfortable with. I will back them up if they want to say I said they had to be home early or whatever they need to say.

I also make sure that they both know that anything other than a yes means no, and that anyone (themselves included) has a right to say no at any time, and be respected (even if they said yes before).

Neither of the above is really a rule, but is important for them to know and be reminded of often, IMO.

 

[robinb]

Thanks everyone! Keep 'em coming .

 

[Kitty 34]

My DD is now a junior in college, so YES - we did survive the high school years!

Things I would consider putting into written rules -there is no standard curfew. Your "time" to be home any particular night will be dependent on the activity, who is driving, what time the activity will be over etc. This worked very well for us.

While probably not an issue today, since I'm guessing that none of her friends are driving is - you may not be a passenger in a friends car unless you have specifically asked you and it has been approved. Where I live, people start to get driver's licenses as freshman, if they are 16.

There will be no late night cooking in the house. (The smell just drives me nuts, and keeps me from sleeping!). Microwaved stuff is fine - just do not turn on the oven,

No late nights during the week during summer vacation - as parents need their sleep to function appropriately at work the next day!

In the rules - I would also lay down some expectations on household chores, if any are expected. We backed off on this when DD was a junior because between 2 sports, a competitive problem solving team, AP classes and a job, and a steady volunteer gig she did at church, she really didn't have extra time for chores.

Consequences were loss of privileges. Didn't happen often, but it did make an impact. Before DD had a car - her "bad-attitude" consequence was to take the bus in the morning for about a week - usually I drove her to school. The yellow bus comes at 6:20, the "mom-bus" left the house at 6:45 or 6:50. We never took her phone as a consequence, as that would have been punishing us. I wanted to reduce her driving privileges after a speeding ticket, but DH and I were not on the same page, and we left it as - if you get a second ticket, then there will be a driving-related consequence. (Luckily - that did not happen.)

I would also put in a common-sense clause in a written set of rules, because you don't want to get caught in a technicality...i.e. MOM - it didn't say in the rules that I wasn't supposed to shoplift, toilet paper the neighbors house, jump onto moving trains, vandalize the school etc.

My best advice - mom and dad need to be on the same page as far as expectations and consequences. Don't forget - consequences in high school penalize the parents too, so pick and choose them carefully.

I thought I was the ONLY one in the world that had that house rule!!!

 

[PigletsPal2]

My girls are adults now (one has a 23-year-old daughter herself!), but our house rules were pretty much the same as all of yours. One I didn't see covered, though, is DON'T EAT OR DRINK THE LAST OF ANYTHING WITHOUT LETTING ME KNOW! It was so frustrating to find that you're out of milk for coffee because SOMEONE had a bowl of cereal before she went to bed.

Queen Colleen

 

[Acklander]

All the house rules during teen years were all based on getting the kids to be independent. This is the time they became responsible for their own laundry, shopping, a turn in the cooking rotation, dealing with their own dr and dentist appts., budgeting etc...
Yes, they had to let me know where they were, just like I let them know where I was.
As far as the problems you mentioned (with friends, lying, mouthy) mouthy didn't happen much, but when it did happen I just reminded them that I talked to them with respect and expected the same back. That doesn't mean that their weren't disagreements - what helped on that is when our son would be angry about something I would just tell him to put it in writing. He was allowed to say whatever he wanted, using whatever language he wanted as long as it was in writing. Many times he'd write something down, and that was enough venting that he just threw the paper away. The times he did give me the paper I was able to get to the heart of the problem, without the stress of an angry delivery. I would reply back the same way - it took a lot of the extra emotions out of the situation and worked really, really, well. Once we made that rule, as soon as a conversation started to become heated one of us would just state "put it in writing" and we knew that there would be no more verbal conversation about the issue until it was resolved.
The friends problem - you may not like their friends, but when it comes down to it - they get to pick their friends, you don't. It's hard to step back on this one but you don't have a choice. To fight it would make the friend bond stronger not weaker. Such is life.
The lying would drive me crazy. You have to find out the why of the lie (are they afraid of disappointing you? Are you too tight on the rules? Or is it just general lying for no reason?) you have to find out the why and work on a compromise from that angle.
Good luck

 

[ashleysev]

I'm really not a fan of the teenage years. Really really really not.

There are some great tips here already - many that we use in our home.

The biggie here is reinforcing logical consequences.

 

[aprilgail2]

I still waiting for the teenage years behavior to start. My daughter is 14 and starting her sophomore year this coming year. Basically we don't really have any set household "rules" other than let me know where you are- she always texts me and lets me know what she is doing. The only major "rule" I can think of that I am always telling her is that if she is out someplace and her friends are drinking or she is drinking to call me and I will go and pick her up, no yelling, no screaming, just call no matter what time of night I will go get her.
Today she is taking the train into the city for a concert tonight, she asked me if I could pick her up a portable phone charger just in case her phone battery dies before they get back to Penn Station for the train home so she can be sure she is able to contact me. And when she and her friends take the train into the city to hang out she texts me when they are leaving one place and heading to the next. Pretty simple rules.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Mine are similar to those on this thread. I do want to know where you are, in a general area. Keep your phone charged, answer my texts. Get good grades, stay out of trouble. Be respectful. Help around the house (I have to ask for specific things, but it will be done).

This is probably closest to ours. Be honest. Lying will get you in more trouble. Trust is important. Remember it's not all about you and that as part of the family, you're one of a "team" and everyone's needs are to be considered. Love eachother, especially, and appreciate what you've been given.

We do have a written set of rules for behavior with a boyfriend/girlfriend.