Parenting a 19 year old in College. Help

[DLgal]

My daughter FaceTimed me this morning, the went bar crawling last night, didn’t have to buy a single drink, rode a mechanical bull at 3 am after drunk karaoke, going on a biking bar crawl tour now, then dinner, then a concert. Girls…

Is that all? Sounds like a pretty boring weekend.

 

[mjkacmom]

Is that all? Sounds like a pretty boring weekend.

I think their day today starts with a drag Queen brunch, a must for a girls trip.

 

[Colleen27]

A parent doesn't worry any less for their daughter than they do for their son. It is probably the opposite considering the dangers that woman, especially young woman face that men do not. For example, not one of the issues that you were concerned about was having your son being sexually assaulted and murdered. Trust me, parents of girls worry about that.

This, 100%. I've gotten a few calls from DD21 about the kind of weekends @mjkacmom is talking about, and I worry so much about that because young women are potential targets in a way young men seldom if ever are. My daughter is also very outdoorsy - my spring break anxiety this year started with a back-and-forth chat while she was buying crampons for icy trails because they're going hiking/climbing in Idaho over break! - so there's all the worries of trail accidents that I'd have about a son, plus all the worries about human predators when she's solo or with friends in the wilderness.

I have one bio son, two bonus sons, and two daughters. There are certain things I worried more about with the boys - they both drive too fast, for example, and have the tickets to prove it - but all in all, I worry much more about the girls because I feel like they're more likely to run into the sorts of trouble that good judgment can't protect against.

 

[QueenIsabella]

On the good side, OP, your son exercised some good judgement. Hopefully, this will make it easier on your anxiety, the next time he wants to travel with friends.

It looks like he was more interested in bikini watching versus hardcore partying. Believe me the serious drinkers would NOT be deterred by comparatively cold, damp weather--it would just be an excuse to stay inside to drink, versus outside. So, at least some of your concerns were unfounded. Or at least, less founded, if that's a phrase.

Parenting young adults is tough. You're doing the best you can to give him roots and wings. Keep going!

 

[mjkacmom]

On the good side, OP, your son exercised some good judgement. Hopefully, this will make it easier on your anxiety, the next time he wants to travel with friends.

It looks like he was more interested in bikini watching versus hardcore partying. Believe me the serious drinkers would NOT be deterred by comparatively cold, damp weather--it would just be an excuse to stay inside to drink, versus outside. So, at least some of your concerns were unfounded. Or at least, less founded, if that's a phrase.

Parenting young adults is tough. You're doing the best you can to give him roots and wings. Keep going!

True, my son went on spring break to Canada, where he could drink legally at 19.

 

[nalabear]

Glad OP your son decided for this one.

Have DD20 and she is fortunate to be the primary driver and owner, so sets the rules. One thing they do is set agreed ground rules of the trip before they go to allow for accountability.

Luckily this generation appears a lot more understanding and threshold for calling an Uber. The hard part that remains is being woman and a potential target no matter how aware and together they are.

 

[jerrywilliams]

He is old enough to make his own decisions, sometimes the right ones and sometimes - the opposite. That's the way life goes. If he needs some help with his assignment, here is the place to look for it - https://thewordpoint.com/languages/hеbrew-translation-services. My kiddo uses it all the time and it saves her from the exhaustion.

 

[kymom99]

This. Honestly, it is the not the same at all as being an Aunt as being a Mother in this situation. For example, my daughter is wonderful to everyone but with me it can be tricky. Sometimes she doesn't treat me as well as I would like her to. The reason, because I am her soft place to land and she knows that no matter what I am always there for her and always will be. Preteen and teenage daughters are often very very challenging. Blanket statements are almost always a bad idea.

I was a difficult daughter.

 

[NotUrsula]

Hopefully he doesn't become so conflict avoidant it causes issues because it certainly can for not just him but for any significant others he has or even friends and workplace environments. Being so conflict avoidant is not healthy not just for interpersonal relationships but also how our bodies manifest it.

Oh, he doesn't avoid conflict, just angry confrontations. He's quite adept at politely but firmly standing up for himself, and isn't at all afraid to stand by his opinions, but if you scream at him, he walks. He just refuses to engage in those circumstances.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Oh, he doesn't avoid conflict, just angry confrontations. He's quite adept at politely but firmly standing up for himself, and isn't at all afraid to stand by his opinions, but if you scream at him, he walks. He just refuses to engage in those circumstances.

That's not really any different. You're unlikely to see anyone who actually likes being yelled at and I wouldn't advocate for just standing there time after time and for everyone however you initially said he actively avoids conflict of any kind not that he just walks away if there's angry confrontations. Regardless always walking away is avoiding conflict and doing it as a base line too. I wasn't speaking towards standing by his opinions. That's all together a different trait.

IDK I tend to find it interesting when people (and this is speaking broadly not personally) describe a marker of a good child as being one who never defies, never talks back, avoids conflict, etc. It's sorta like describing a child, teen or young adult as "wise beyond their years" because often there underlying reasons why. Obviously this is a tangent to the overall thread.

 

[NotUrsula]

That's not really any different. You're unlikely to see anyone who actually likes being yelled at and I wouldn't advocate for just standing there time after time and for everyone however you initially said he actively avoids conflict of any kind not that he just walks away if there's angry confrontations. Regardless always walking away is avoiding conflict and doing it as a base line too. I wasn't speaking towards standing by his opinions. That's all together a different trait.

IDK I tend to find it interesting when people (and this is speaking broadly not personally) describe a marker of a good child as being one who never defies, never talks back, avoids conflict, etc. It's sorta like describing a child, teen or young adult as "wise beyond their years" because often there underlying reasons why. Obviously this is a tangent to the overall thread.

He's a very high-functioning Autistic, and loud voices literally hurt him. With a peer, he'll just cut in with "when you're ready to discuss this calmly, let me know, but I'm not going to stand here and be screamed at." At work, from a boss, he'd stoicly hold his tongue through it, but immediately start looking for another job.

I never said he was a "good" child, just that he never indulged in dramatics like yelling "I *hate* you!" at the top of his lungs. Just because he was/is quiet doesn't mean he was an angel; he got into his share of trouble as a teen ... he just did it with more stealth.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

He's a very high-functioning Autistic, and loud voices literally hurt him. With a peer, he'll just cut in with "when you're ready to discuss this calmly, let me know, but I'm not going to stand here and be screamed at." At work, from a boss, he'd stoicly hold his tongue through it, but immediately start looking for another job.

I never said he was a "good" child, just that he never indulged in dramatics like yelling "I *hate* you!" at the top of his lungs. Just because he was/is quiet doesn't mean he was an angel; he got into his share of trouble as a teen ... he just did it with more stealth.

The autism part I guessed I missed. Did you mention that in this thread? If I had known that it wouldn't have prompted any comments. Cognitive disorders such as that are not the same as a conflict avoidant adult. In any case TBH I feel like each subsequent comment from you changes the initial comment such that further commenting on the subject is rendered impractical so I'll move on in topics.