OT- Grandparents forgot Birthday

[Jdougherty]

My parents (DD's grandparents) forgot my DD2's birthday yesterday. They claim they thought it was today. Some FYI, I am the only child who does not live within 5 minutes due to being military. My mother was present for her birth.(She had to be asked to be there) They frequently forget DD, DH and my birthdays/milestones. Last year they did not call untill AFTER DD was asleep.

Am I justified is being upset? I know DD will not realize untill she's older the difference in treatment between her and her cousin who live near grandparents. I'm just angry that they couldn't remember thier ONLY granddaughter's birthday.

 

[BroganMc]

Families do the best they can, including grandparents. Be patient with them and good things will come. Be hard and you'll regret it someday.

Failing that, next year give your folks a calendar with all the important family dates on it. I make one up for my dad every year now. It lists all his grandkids birthdays (and his children's).

Oh and happy birthday to your DD! Hope she doesn't give you too much trouble with her quest for independence.

 

[disykat]

They only mixed it up by one day. I guess I'm not much of a birthday person because I don't really consider that forgetting!

If they lived locally, they probably would have been invited over for cake making "forgetting" not an issue. That's probably the case with all the local things, they make plans to celebrate so remembering from year to year isn't necessary. IMO, if them calling on the exact date is a big deal to you, just be sure to remind them prior to the birthday.

If they continually fail the memory test you seem to be giving them, the calendar sounds like a good idea.

 

[Zeebs]

I am very sorry they missed her birthday by a day, I am sure it was just an oversight.

With that said, I never quite get this everyone needs to be treated exactly the same, my two boys are living in the UK my nephew lives 5 mins down the road from my parents in New Zealand. OF COURSE they have a completely different relationship. They see each other all the time, Elliot knows my parents stays overnight with them and is completely comfortable in their company, my boys know my parents to talk to on the phone, not in person. My parents have met Seth once in his life.

Do their Grandparents love them yes but in different ways. It also depends on what type of parent you are some Grandparents don't like stepping in as they feel like they are stepping on toes.

If you are that upset then talk to your parents but I am quite positive they love your daughter.

Kirsten

 

[JUJU814]

I can understand you being upset, but please do realize that even grandparents can be a little absendminded.

My dd turned 6 in November and my mother totally forgot her birthday. Dd was devastated. She was crying because mimi and pop forgot her birthday and didn't send her a card...I said "honey, they didn't forget. I'm sure they'll have something for you when we see them and we'll celebrate your birthday then"

She just looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "but they didn't even call me" sniff sniff

Then, yes, I was angry..really angry. I was angry because my friend's parents are so involved and my parents never come up to visit us, rarely call us etc. They live 2 1/2 hours away and ALWAYS expect us to make the trip down there to visit. I have to pack up three kids and 2 dogs and all our crap and go down there, when we have a lovely place for them to stay up here. At least we could take turns.

Well, I was already a little bitter about that. My kids are their only grandkids. I was very upset that they forgot her birthday.

When I was able to calm down, and after talking to dh, I called my mom the next day and calmly and politely told her that it was Emily's birthday and I TOLD her that dd was upset and crying that she didn't get a phonecall.

I told my mom that it wasn't my intent to make her feel guilty. It was my intent to let her know that we all love them, and don't understand why they don't seem to want to spend time with us.

I told her that my kids are wild about them and didn't understand why mimi and pop wouldn't call them on their birthday.

My mom felt HORRIBLE. She truly did forget. Then she started in with the guilt. "oh I'm such a horrible grandparent..how could I forget." blah blah. I told her to knock it off. A couple of weeks later they came up for dd's Nutcracker performance and we had a little birthday celebration.

A month later it was ds birthday and they were totally on the ball.

At Christmas, oh my gosh, this is just too much. Dh birthday is Jan 9. On Dec 26, mom gave dh a birthday card and a gift. Like, this has NEVER happened that she has EVER remembered his birthday. we don't care about us...it's the kids...but dh was beaming.

I just had to sit down and talk to mom and explain to her that it hurt.

I know they have their own life. They are busy and they are happily married and enjoy their time etc. I don't expect their life to revolve around us..by any stretch! I just told her how I felt, and how my dd felt..and so far it's made a difference.

Nobody's perfect. Heck, our nanny is brazilian and birthdays are *extremely* important..way more than any major holiday. I forgot her birthday in September and felt HORRIBLE. She makes all of our birthday's soooo special for us.

It's ok to feel angry. It's what you do with the anger, I think, that matters. Once you are calmed down and accepting what happened, I think you should just try to think of a non confrontational way to talk to them and let them know how you feel.

 

[mjkacmom]

My parents see my kids every day, and love them very much. A few Saturday's ago, they popped over to give my twins their birthday gifts, even though we were scheduled to go out to dinner to celebrate the next day. Why? Because they thought their birthday was the 9th, and not the 10th. No big deal! I'm so bad with dates myself. My sister has yet to acknowledge their birthday - I'm expecting she might remember within the next few months.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

My grandma frequently forgot my birthday (even though it was two days after her husbands birthday - she never missed any of my cousin's or brother's...). It sucks. There is no other way to explain it.

Your feelings are perfectly in order being upset. They really should try harder to remember. Have you talked to them about it really bothering you?

I never said anything to grandma because she would remember a few days late (sometimes a week, but meh...) and always apologized. One year's excuse was because she couldn't find her cat...

This year my own parents forgot my b-day and I absolutely lost it. We got into a huge argument about rescheduling our Christmas and I was "lectured" (to put it nicely) about being flexible. I told them I've been nothing BUT flexible, especially since they never bothered to say anything about my birthday, even though they talked to me several times that day and the days after. Then when they did say something I was told we didn't have any money to celebrate and could we do it next month... I don't ask for much (most of my gift requests are < $20 and it's 1-2 things at most - I'm a simple person) I don't care if we do anything, it's just nice to be appreciated one day a year. However, it hurts like hell to have someone forget the day you changed their life forever.

Let a lot of your anger go and then talk to them about it, how you are hurt that they botched their schedule. Like a PP said, it was only 1 day (this time...) so it's not too terrible, and it is perfectly normal anymore to receive birthday well wishes for several days leading up to and after your b-day anymore. Talk to them about it - kids birthdays are so very special and they are so excited about them. Try to get them to see that it does really matter, especially at a young age.

 

[Nancyg56]

Please cut them some slack. I am horrible about dates. I am still reminded that I "forgot" how old my DD was. I sent my Sis Il and brother an anniversary card on her birthday and wished her a Happy Birthday on their anniversary for so many years that I finally gave up on cards. I celebrate DDIL's birthday on Mother's day because I always mix up her day. ANd let's not get started on neices and nephews

They all know how much i love them and know that even if I get the date wrong I never forget them.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I really don't think it's a big deal; it doesn't mean she's not important to them, or they don't love her; they forgot a date- something "almost" everyone does. We always, always have a gift and cards in reserve; that way if a family member forgets, we can cover for them. I have also been known to leave the room and call a parent or inlaw to remind them that today is the day and then go back in the room the kids are in and give them the phone. No harm no foul. Maybe I'm a bit more "lenient" because for many years I had no relationship with my dad or his family at all, and my other grandparents died when I was young. I appreciate all the family that is in my children's life. As long as they love and accept us, I try not to sweat the "small stuff".

 

[eeyoremum]

Birthdays are not a huge deal to us. My dad mixes up my birthday ever year I was born in March he wished me a happy birthday in May. He always forgets my childrens birthdays. To us it is no big deal they are awesome grandparents otherwise.

 

[okeydokey]

My in-laws have forgotten both my kids birthdays at one time or another and sometimes even my husbands. They don't stay in touch with our daily lives like my Mom does. We have accepted this as just the way it is. They have become better over the years, I think because they genuinely felt badly when they found out after the fact that they had missed some birthdays.

 

[la79al]

I'm kind of on the other end. My grandmother remembers my birthday every year, calls me before 10a.m. to sing to me. My siblings, she might be able to tell you their birthday month. I didn't ask to be the one closer to her and it didn't make me feel good when she remembered mine and forgot everyone elses.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Geesh. Overreact much? They didn't put a horse head in her bed. They confused a date.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I very muchagree with the poster below. My 2 kids have never lived in the state as their grandparents (and no longer live in even the same country) and the other three live nearby. I figure we are the ones who moved away and it is my job to make an effort and foster a connection between my children and their grandparents in spite of the miels between them. I have called my in laws on a kid's birthday, and said something along the lines of "We were about to go out for dinner and I didn't want her to miss your call" or something. It is hard to force a relationship, and the grandparents may not know how to go about forging one so it does not feel forced (and they probably really just did mix up the dats--not a big deal in my book). You cantake the initiative for a few years until the relationship is totally natural to both your parents and your DD by calling your parents and putting your DD on the phone, sending email and photos, mailing them pictures she draws, etc. YOU put the effort in on behlaf of your DD and it will pay of more than putting energy in to being offended about a date mix up.

Sorry your feeling were hurt though. It can be hard dealing with being the one who is not there I have had a really rough couple of days and I totally get it.

I am very sorry they missed her birthday by a day, I am sure it was just an oversight.

With that said, I never quite get this everyone needs to be treated exactly the same, my two boys are living in the UK my nephew lives 5 mins down the road from my parents in New Zealand. OF COURSE they have a completely different relationship. They see each other all the time, Elliot knows my parents stays overnight with them and is completely comfortable in their company, my boys know my parents to talk to on the phone, not in person. My parents have met Seth once in his life.

Do their Grandparents love them yes but in different ways. It also depends on what type of parent you are some Grandparents don't like stepping in as they feel like they are stepping on toes.

If you are that upset then talk to your parents but I am quite positive they love your daughter.

Kirsten

 

[taximomfor4]

I might have a different attitude about all this, in our family dh's mom is perfect in remembering/acknowledging birtdays, anniversaries, etc. My mom is NOT. Once every few years, she sends a card/$10 to the kids on their birthday. I am pretty sure she is unsure of the ACTUAL dates, but she knows approximately when the birthdays are.

It's just that way. I don't get upset about it, I know she isn't intentionally hurting her grandkids. And I hope that when I forget nieces/nephews birthdays (or the date sneaks past me, lol) nobody gets angry at me.

I say, the date is engraved in your head because you struggled through the birth, and you plan for the upcoming birthday every year. Your child (as they get old enough to know when their birthday is) has the date engraved in their head because they know they'll get cake and presents when that day arrives. For family members who don't live with you, day to day life, being busy, not realizing the date, and yes...being incorrect about the exact birth date ... it really DOES sneak up on them sometimes.

I wouldn't take it as a slight, or a sign that they don't care.

 

[FayeW]

Heck, I was filling in a form for last night and nearly stumbled over my son's birthday...and I was THERE!

I had to stop for a second and think to myself "it's the 29th, right?"


One year when it became apparent that my mother forgot my birthday I called her and said "Hi Mom, is there something you wanted to say to me today?" and we had a good laugh.

 

[crysplefty]

I know how you feel. My father-in-law needed surgery on his foot to repair a few loose screws. They postponed his operation since they wanted to fo to Vegas and scheduled it on my daughter's 2nd birthday (which they were well aware of when they scheduled it). But never called to wish their only grandaughter a happy birthday. They claimed to have forgotten, but I know they just didn't want to call since my husband wasn't home. They never call our home phone, only DH's cell phone, even when they know he is home. He was at work that day (firefighter) so I know that is the only reason they didn't call. The sad thing is they live 5 minutes away and never visit our kids or call to see how they are doing, but yet it is always our fault that they never see the kids even though we are the only ones making trips to visit.

 

[dis-happy]

We were househunting in a new city the day my second child turned two. Guess what? I totally forgot it was his birthday! DH got into the office that morning, saw the date, and gave me a call to let me know what day it was. LOL I felt bad about it, but really, a 2 year doesn't know the difference.

Even now my parents might forget it's the actual day of someone's birthday (although they are usually pretty good). I just call them and ask if they want to wish DGC Happy Birthday over the phone. No big deal and everyone is happy.

 

[JUJU814]

Geesh. Overreact much? They didn't put a horse head in her bed. They confused a date.

good grief

 

[Disneychix]

My MIL called the day before my DS's birthday and started singing "Happy Birthday" into the phone to him. DH and were dying laughing and almost had to press mute. I kept telling DH to tell his mother that today was not the day.
I know it was only 1 day off but we had just talked to her the night before about DS's birthday plans. And the family all recieved birthday calendars for Christmas with everyone's birthday in it.
DMIL always forgets DH's birthday too. I guess that's why her singing on the wrong day was so funny!