Mental health issues, and those affected indirectly

[easyas123]

And, not a counselor here, but I think DH needs counseling. You are not responsible for him but if you frame it out of love and concern, maybe he will listen. If not, plan your escape.

Spot on. OP - your husband needs to talk to a professional because he is not handling life well right now.

 

[cabanafrau]

It sounds like your DH is quite probably deep in a bout of depression right now. If his job and career complaints are sudden and completely out of the blue it may be a sign he's flailing about, attempting to avoid real issues altogether. The trickle down of the denial/enablement of BIL, MIL is a serious danger to your DH, your marriage and quite possibly could bring your own struggle back into an active issue. At the very least put on your own mask and seek treatment immediately. That much is entirely within your control. Do what you can to get your DH into treatment and discuss with your treater whether or not they feel there is benefit to the two of you pursuing marital counseling in the current situation, or if it's best to wait until each of you attains some benefit in personal therapy and achieve a level of stability there before addressing relationship issues.

Your DH needs to come to the realization that continuing the pattern of behavior his mother and brother live in is a guaranteed avalanche that cannot be avoided. He (and you) may not be able to change their behaviors, but he must recognize at the very least he needs to step away from the danger before being swept away.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Well, this weekend did not go as planned that’s for sure. DH had a complete meltdown today. It was triggered by his mother asking us to “bring extra shoes” for after church. She wanted the sticks picked up that had fallen in the yard. Yea, today in the 40 degree weather with drizzle off and on. I guess I didn’t help by saying, “it’s not like your brother has anything to do when it’s warmer in a few days since he sits on the couch all day, lives there rent free and does NOTHING all day, let him do it then”. He just says “thank you” then texted his mom that we would NOT be doing that. (I assume he blamed it on me, but that’s ok, the idea of freezing and being wet was just not something I wanted to do today.

Then he started in on how he was dissatisfied with his career and is going to look for a new one. How the thought of going to work tomorrow makes him sick. He proceeds to make the comment how he just wishes his life would end because he is so sick of everything.

I guess it’s not about me, but do you have any idea how that makes me feel when your DH says stuff like that? It makes me feel like I am not adequate. I find myself walking on eggshells a lot trying not to set him off.

Today my mouth overrode my brain and WOW that was just not smart making a comment like I did. At the same time though, I think her request was completely ridiculous.

Sounds like your DH's family situation, including how it is bleeding into the marriage, is making him deeply depressed.

Would he consider therapy if the suggestion was focused on helping him figure out better ways to manage his family stuff? Often people are more comfortable if it is about a particular event or "other" than self.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Thank God DH was acting better last night... I think he needs some kind of therapy yes. That's a good approach if it's approached as something other than self.

Those of us around are made to feel miserable and feel like you have to apologize for anything going right in your own world. You can say something like, you are glad that it's nice outside. Positive statements are met with "well at least SOMEBODY can enjoy it". It's almost like depression is contagious.

It's like BIL's depression has caused their mother to worry excessively and become increasingly demanding and somewhat confrontational.

example: At a dinner, my step-daughter's husband was teasing her because she had been absolutely bawling because of the death of a character in a BOOK she was reading. He said, "I wouldn't cry that much if a real person died"... So, MIL says to him, "you wouldn't be crying if I died"? Now DH seems to think that our son in-law is some kind of monster because of the comment. It's like OMG he was just yapping, and she deliberately tried to start a fight, and yes mission accomplished. It was all teasing and everybody was having a good time until she chose to start trouble.

DH was fine until this stuff started w/his brother a while back. It's like he has been infected. It's no wonder that he is miserable at work, and now hates his job. He used to like what he did, and the people he works with. Now he absolutely hates it, and doesn't like those around him. This all seemed to develop when over the course of BIL's issues coming to the surface. I am sure he brings all that negativity in with him, and the people around him don't like it. If he acts there like he does at home... yea I get it.

Sorry for the rant, it just feels like depression is some kind of force that sucks the life out of everybody around it.

 

[LilyWDW]

Depression isn't logical. Depression is overwhelming.

IF your husband is dealing with it (which, from my "I'm not a doctor but I deal with it myself) opinion, it does sound like), he isn't purposely trying to bring down those around him. That is not something on his mind at all. It is hard to explain to someone who has never dealt with it... how the brain just doesn't care. But it's not on purpose. It's not vicious. It's just impossible to care.

It does sound like he needs therapy.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thank God DH was acting better last night... I think he needs some kind of therapy yes. That's a good approach if it's approached as something other than self.

Those of us around are made to feel miserable and feel like you have to apologize for anything going right in your own world. You can say something like, you are glad that it's nice outside. Positive statements are met with "well at least SOMEBODY can enjoy it". It's almost like depression is contagious.

It's like BIL's depression has caused their mother to worry excessively and become increasingly demanding and somewhat confrontational.

example: At a dinner, my step-daughter's husband was teasing her because she had been absolutely bawling because of the death of a character in a BOOK she was reading. He said, "I wouldn't cry that much if a real person died"... So, MIL says to him, "you wouldn't be crying if I died"? Now DH seems to think that our son in-law is some kind of monster because of the comment. It's like OMG he was just yapping, and she deliberately tried to start a fight, and yes mission accomplished. It was all teasing and everybody was having a good time until she chose to start trouble.

DH was fine until this stuff started w/his brother a while back. It's like he has been infected. It's no wonder that he is miserable at work, and now hates his job. He used to like what he did, and the people he works with. Now he absolutely hates it, and doesn't like those around him. This all seemed to develop when over the course of BIL's issues coming to the surface. I am sure he brings all that negativity in with him, and the people around him don't like it. If he acts there like he does at home... yea I get it.

Sorry for the rant, it just feels like depression is some kind of force that sucks the life out of everybody around it.

Whoa that is one giant toxic cloud you are stuck in and to be honest, it almost sounds like your DH has adopted his mother's perspective that being miserable is some kind of an act of solidarity. Ummm, it is not an act of loyalty to drown yourself because someone you love is drowning. I think you uncovered the rotten thought that is making everyone unwell.

This whole thing seems to be growing because they seem to be forcing the yoke onto anyone in their midst, and now your poor step-DIL and step-SIL may be fighting over this metastatic craziness. It is good you see it, I hope your step-DIL and step-SIL are able to see that it is just a bad situation and they said and did nothing wrong.... the guy was talking about a character in a book and MIL too it to a whole other level that was off the charts bananas. Just yikes

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Whoa that is one giant toxic cloud you are stuck in and to be honest, it almost sounds like your DH has adopted his mother's perspective that being miserable is some kind of an act of solidarity. Ummm, it is not an act of loyalty to drown yourself because someone you love is drowning. I think you uncovered the rotten thought that is making everyone unwell.

This whole thing seems to be growing because they seem to be forcing the yoke onto anyone in their midst, and now your poor step-DIL and step-SIL may be fighting over this metastatic craziness. It is good you see it, I hope your step-DIL and step-SIL are able to see that it is just a bad situation and they said and did nothing wrong.... the guy was talking about a character in a book and MIL too it to a whole other level that was off the charts bananas. Just yikes

"metastatic craziness" that term is so accurate!