If you have kids and they trick or treat

[barkley]

How about the GRANDPARENTS say "We'd love to see the kids in their costume. How about we come over, hand out candy at your place and both mom & dad can go with the kids?". Win-win.

my mother did this for years-and we made sure to pick out candy for her to hand out that she liked

 

[VandVsmama]

About three and a half weeks to Halloween . If you have kids and they trick or treat take them trick or treat to see their grandparents. If you live within reasonable driving distance and your take your kids out for Halloween you have zero excuses where you can’t make it to your parents house and your spouses parents house if they are going to be home of course or maybe even their great grand parents. Don’t be like my son last year. If you did last year and are planning on it this year like you should good job if not do better. We see the grandkids at least once a week but Halloween is a different ballgame. Hopefully this post will change someone’s mind if they wasn’t going to take their kids to their parents house on Halloween.

I put up with these exact entitlement demands from my MIL for a couple of years in a row at Halloween and then decided, "No more."

You know what? If you're retired, you have all the time in the world. How about YOU go to THEIR house?

You know what else? My MIL lived a 10-15 min drive from our house. We did stuff with her and included her all. of. the. time. DH & I were working more than full time at the time, at jobs which were a 45 min drive from where we lived. My kids, at that age, pretty much needed to be in bed by about 8:00 pm or else they turned into crabby patties the next day.

Was the "let's go to Grandma's house to say hi" a quick visit? No. MIL wanted us to sit and chat for an hour, hour and a half, got upset when we tried to leave. Meanwhile, my kids were antsy to go knock on doors for free candy.

The next 2 years in a row after the 1st time, we asked if she'd be willing to come have dinner with us at our house, she could even go trick or treating with us, or stay at our house w/1 of us while the other parent went out trick or treating with the kids. How about that? Oh no, that was not acceptable because she didn't want to drive home in the dark.

Ok, what if 1 of us went and drove 15 min there and 15 min back, picked her up at her house, and then did another 30 min round trip at the end of the evening to drive MIL back home? That wasn't acceptable either.

So after year #3 of this, I said no. And there was holy heck from my MIL about that. When it all came down to it, MIL wanted everyone to come to her and kiss the ring.

Halloween isn't for grandparents. It's for kids and people of all ages who love Halloween. If you want to be included, you should go to them. You can be happy, or you can be right. And right now, you're choosing to be right. As a result, you'll miss out on creating some awesome memories with your grandchildren. That's too bad. The choice is yours.

 

[amcnj]

When my children were young we never lived close to any grandparents, so this wasn’t a factor. The town in which we resided for most of those years was two hours away, and did limit trick or treating to a two hour window.

Plus my mother enjoyed seeing the kids in her neighborhood all dressed up, so I don’t recall this topic ever coming up.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I put up with these exact entitlement demands from my MIL for a couple of years in a row at Halloween and then decided, "No more."

You know what? If you're retired, you have all the time in the world. How about YOU go to THEIR house?

You know what else? My MIL lived a 10-15 min drive from our house. We did stuff with her and included her all. of. the. time. DH & I were working more than full time at the time, at jobs which were a 45 min drive from where we lived. My kids, at that age, pretty much needed to be in bed by about 8:00 pm or else they turned into crabby patties the next day.

Was the "let's go to Grandma's house to say hi" a quick visit? No. MIL wanted us to sit and chat for an hour, hour and a half, got upset when we tried to leave. Meanwhile, my kids were antsy to go knock on doors for free candy.

The next 2 years in a row after the 1st time, we asked if she'd be willing to come have dinner with us at our house, she could even go trick or treating with us, or stay at our house w/1 of us while the other parent went out trick or treating with the kids. How about that? Oh no, that was not acceptable because she didn't want to drive home in the dark.

Ok, what if 1 of us went and drove 15 min there and 15 min back, picked her up at her house, and then did another 30 min round trip at the end of the evening to drive MIL back home? That wasn't acceptable either.

So after year #3 of this, I said no. And there was holy heck from my MIL about that. When it all came down to it, MIL wanted everyone to come to her and kiss the ring.

Halloween isn't for grandparents. It's for kids and people of all ages who love Halloween. If you want to be included, you should go to them. You can be happy, or you can be right. And right now, you're choosing to be right. As a result, you'll miss out on creating some awesome memories with your grandchildren. That's too bad. The choice is yours.

Except she’s not right.

 

[MamaMermaid]

My kids are way past that age. Not once did we take them to the grandparents. Sorry.
I work full time. Halloween on a school night. Not happening.

You’re retired you come over here.
You sound very entitled.

This.

 

[kdonnel]

I read all these stories about entitled grandparents or horrible in laws and am thankful I never had to experience anything similar.

 

[Nancyg56]

Except she’s not right.

I agree.

Our granddaughter is 23 years old now, so its been a long time since she went trick or treating, but when she did. her parents decided where they would take her, and what was reasonable for them. Not us. They lived with us for a few years while they saved money for a home, and then they took her out in our neighborhood. My husband woudl go with them, and I passed out candy. Once they moved to their new home, they sometimes came up towards us, but not always.

I often wonder why some people believe that any event in a kid's life is more about the grandparents than it is about the kid and their parents. If you really want to see the kids on Halloween, get yourself out to their home, walk with them. Why would you ask any parent to haul their kid away from what is usually a night that kids look forward to in order to satisfy some personal need that you have? Remove the obvious issues with regards to school, homework, dinner and then add driving after dark when there are kids out on the road. My goodness, my husband drove a truck for over 45 years and Halloween was the one night he did all he could to be off the road after dark.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Thinking about it I don't think either of our parents ever saw our children on Halloween. They never expressed any desire to do so and we lived at least 20-30 minutes away.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

My dad's parents lived too far and didn't live on a road where you could trick or treat. I went once or twice to my maternal grandparents' house on Halloween, but they gave out pennies and raisins (yeah, that house) and it just wasn't fun without my friends. My parents now live over a thousand miles away. They rely on pictures, video and Facetime for many things. My MIL lives locally and was only 20 minutes away from our old house. Unfortunately, she's not that kind of grandparent. It's a long and messy story, but my children are best having limited time with her and those in her household. Honestly, while I'm sure it's nice to involve the grandparents, if you're not really geographically close, I think it's a better core memory/experience to be good with them having their Halloween experiences in their area with their friends.

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

Why does it always seem like the entitled mother is the mother of a son....?

Rarely do I hear of men having bad relationships with their MIL. Instead it seems like the mother of daughters is always trying to help where the mother of sons is always making it about them?

Ok so I'm sure its not an all or none situation just seems like that when reading about these types of situations.

 

[kdonnel]

My parents lived 150 miles away and would often come up for Halloween when the kids were still trick or treat age.

My dad would always bring a costume and walk with the kids while my mom stayed back at the house and handed out candy.

I have fond memories of my dad dressed up as a hotdog and the cookie man as he was known at the Publix Bakery. I hope my kids can still remember him.

My cul d sac has always been close, celebrating many holidays together, Halloween is no exception. We all sit out in one driveway so the kids that come don't have to go to every house but instead have 6-8 buckets of candy to grab from in one location. One of the neighbors cooks an amazing chili while the rest bring chili trimmings or deserts.

Now that the kids are much too old to trick or treat we have done a reverse trick or treat the last few years. We ride through the neighborhood on a golf cart and hand out candy to the kids as we pass them.

 

[Southernmiss]

Why does it always seem like the entitled mother is the mother of a son....?

Rarely do I hear of men having bad relationships with their MIL. Instead it seems like the mother of daughters is always trying to help where the mother of sons is always making it about them?

Ok so I'm sure its not an all or none situation just seems like that when reading about these types of situations.

I think the Op is a dad.

 

[vintagemomma]

So instead of you offering to go see them off and maybe offer to hand out candy at their house while parents take kids around you are expecting them to sacrifice a large portion of T&T time to come to you?

Most kids only go out for a few hours, if they go to see you it's time in transport, and let's be honest they aren't going to show up and then immediatly leave, you'll expect them to "be there" for a bit. Let the kids have the full night with friends in their neighborhood it is about them anyway.

My mom always came to my house and then handed out candy with my neighbor when kids were young, they both looked forward to it every year. My inlaws live 2 miles away, and still did not expect the kids to sacrifice precious candy time to show off costumes, they either came to us or saw costumes another day.

 

[anniemae]

Personally, I think a better idea is for the Grandparents to go to the kids house.

My kids had so much fun trick or treating with the neighborhood kids. They would all go out together and have a blast in the neighborhood running around together. We had a neighbor who made a haunted house in his garage and gave out full size candy bars (jackpot for kids). The kids talked about it for weeks ahead of Halloween planning costumes and plotting out routes to maximize candy amounts.

My kids would not have been happy if I told them we were visiting Grandparents on Halloween. It about the kids, not the grandparents IMO.

 

[pezgirlroy]

Growing up we used to always end at my grandparents house to trade candy. This worked because they were our neighbors. Honestly, I would be pretty upset as a parent if my parents said something like this. If you want to see the grandkids on Halloween. Awesome. Work with the parents go to them. Trick or treat with them. Maybe give out candy at their house. I suspect there are bigger issues here though.

 

[Rogue1677x]

The only reason my grandparents on my father's side saw me and my sisters on Halloween was because we lived downstairs from them. They owned the apartment house and lived in tge upstairs apartment while we lived downstairs.

My grandmother helped us get our costumes on and my grandfather worked for the city, so eyes were always on us to make sure we didn't get into any trouble.

When I had my daughter, due to my work and commute hours, in addition to my husband's job, if I didn't take half day off, even I wouldn't see her on Halloween, let alone grandparents. By the time my daughter was old enough for trick or treating, we were an hour at minimum away from all of the grandparents, two sets who worked and one grandmother who is only awake in the middle of the night.

 

[DizneyFamof4]

OP, Are you kidding! For us, Halloween on a week day is super busy, you have to make sure they get their homework done, have an early dinner and then the time to get dressed up and ready. We were lucky to get out at decent time, let alone enough time to go visiting family. That is what photos are for.

 

[VandVsmama]

Gender of the OP doesn't really matter.

In my opinion, there are some generational differences & expectations between the current generation of parents & their parents (i.e., the grandparents). Both of my parents expected and demanded that we go visit them regularly at great expense to us (my parents moved across the country just prior to my 1st child's birth). However, even despite us being a 2-income household, with mortgage and full time daycare expenses, there literally was no money left over for plane tickets to fly across the country.

My parents made regular fly-across-the-country visits to grandparents when I was a kid, but for whatever reason, them saying no to their parents wasn't ever an option because Thou Shall Not Upset One's Parents And Say No. The grandparents could have afforded to help my parents out with the cost of plane tickets, but there was also an unspoken rule that one is never allowed to ask for this because it would mean that the grandparents would assume that you're irresponsible and a disappointment.

I never knew really of this rule until I had kids and that's when my parents told me, flat out, "This is the way things work. WE had to do that all the time with OUR parents and because WE did it, now YOU are required to do it for us because we are OLD and we are ENTITLED to have it this way. That's just how families do things."

They didn't like it when I told them that:

1. we couldn't afford to do what they were demanding
2. just because they didn't have the guts to say no to THEIR parents doesn't give them the right to expect ME to cater to their demands, too.
3. there literally is no money for us to buy plane tickets to go visit them
4. I was in a contract job at the time (aka no paid time off), so no working = no money at pay day. And we couldn't afford to be a 1 income household.
5. So hey Mom & Dad, if you want to see your grandkids, you're gonna have to come here.
6. After all, Mom, you're totally retired now, so you have all the free time in the world. And Dad is still working, but has 6 weeks of paid vacation a year.

Ironically, they had plenty of time to go on a few other vacations every year.

After my mom died 14 yr ago, my dad doubled down even more on his philosophy about this. As a result, in 14 yr, he's seen his grandchildren maybe 5 times in person. He totally missed watching his grandkids grow up. That was his choice. We were not a priority to him. As a result, we got the message and kind of moved on at some point and I stopped trying to hard to make him happy. Because nothing would ever be good enough.

OP:
Don't make the same mistakes as my parents and my MIL. Don't be a butthole. You can build a bridge in the relationship. You still have time. You can be happy or you can choose to be right. Those are mutually exclusive choices. Don't make a stupid choice.

 

[DCLMP]

It also depends on the neighborhood. Both my parents and my in laws lived in 55 and up communities. Not great for trick or treating. As prices go up my neighborhood is skewing older now. We hardly get any kids come by anymore.

 

[Rogue1677x]

Gender of the OP doesn't really matter.

In my opinion, there are some generational differences & expectations between the current generation of parents & their parents (i.e., the grandparents). Both of my parents expected and demanded that we go visit them regularly at great expense to us (my parents moved across the country just prior to my 1st child's birth). However, even despite us being a 2-income household, with mortgage and full time daycare expenses, there literally was no money left over for plane tickets to fly across the country.

My parents made regular fly-across-the-country visits to grandparents when I was a kid, but for whatever reason, them saying no to their parents wasn't ever an option because Thou Shall Not Upset One's Parents And Say No. The grandparents could have afforded to help my parents out with the cost of plane tickets, but there was also an unspoken rule that one is never allowed to ask for this because it would mean that the grandparents would assume that you're irresponsible and a disappointment.

I never knew really of this rule until I had kids and that's when my parents told me, flat out, "This is the way things work. WE had to do that all the time with OUR parents and because WE did it, now YOU are required to do it for us because we are OLD and we are ENTITLED to have it this way. That's just how families do things."

They didn't like it when I told them that:

1. we couldn't afford to do what they were demanding
2. just because they didn't have the guts to say no to THEIR parents doesn't give them the right to expect ME to cater to their demands, too.
3. there literally is no money for us to buy plane tickets to go visit them
4. I was in a contract job at the time (aka no paid time off), so no working = no money at pay day. And we couldn't afford to be a 1 income household.
5. So hey Mom & Dad, if you want to see your grandkids, you're gonna have to come here.
6. After all, Mom, you're totally retired now, so you have all the free time in the world. And Dad is still working, but has 6 weeks of paid vacation a year.

Ironically, they had plenty of time to go on a few other vacations every year.

After my mom died 14 yr ago, my dad doubled down even more on his philosophy about this. As a result, in 14 yr, he's seen his grandchildren maybe 5 times in person. He totally missed watching his grandkids grow up. That was his choice. We were not a priority to him. As a result, we got the message and kind of moved on at some point and I stopped trying to hard to make him happy. Because nothing would ever be good enough.

OP:
Don't make the same mistakes as my parents and my MIL. Don't be a butthole. You can build a bridge in the relationship. You still have time. You can be happy or you can choose to be right. Those are mutually exclusive choices. Don't make a stupid choice.

That sounds like how my mother tried to commandeer Christmas when the first grandchild was born. That conversation went over like a fart in church.