If you have kids and they trick or treat

[jrmasm]

Gender of the OP doesn't really matter.

In my opinion, there are some generational differences & expectations between the current generation of parents & their parents (i.e., the grandparents). Both of my parents expected and demanded that we go visit them regularly at great expense to us (my parents moved across the country just prior to my 1st child's birth). However, even despite us being a 2-income household, with mortgage and full time daycare expenses, there literally was no money left over for plane tickets to fly across the country.

My parents made regular fly-across-the-country visits to grandparents when I was a kid, but for whatever reason, them saying no to their parents wasn't ever an option because Thou Shall Not Upset One's Parents And Say No. The grandparents could have afforded to help my parents out with the cost of plane tickets, but there was also an unspoken rule that one is never allowed to ask for this because it would mean that the grandparents would assume that you're irresponsible and a disappointment.

I never knew really of this rule until I had kids and that's when my parents told me, flat out, "This is the way things work. WE had to do that all the time with OUR parents and because WE did it, now YOU are required to do it for us because we are OLD and we are ENTITLED to have it this way. That's just how families do things."

They didn't like it when I told them that:

1. we couldn't afford to do what they were demanding
2. just because they didn't have the guts to say no to THEIR parents doesn't give them the right to expect ME to cater to their demands, too.
3. there literally is no money for us to buy plane tickets to go visit them
4. I was in a contract job at the time (aka no paid time off), so no working = no money at pay day. And we couldn't afford to be a 1 income household.
5. So hey Mom & Dad, if you want to see your grandkids, you're gonna have to come here.
6. After all, Mom, you're totally retired now, so you have all the free time in the world. And Dad is still working, but has 6 weeks of paid vacation a year.

Ironically, they had plenty of time to go on a few other vacations every year.

After my mom died 14 yr ago, my dad doubled down even more on his philosophy about this. As a result, in 14 yr, he's seen his grandchildren maybe 5 times in person. He totally missed watching his grandkids grow up. That was his choice. We were not a priority to him. As a result, we got the message and kind of moved on at some point and I stopped trying to hard to make him happy. Because nothing would ever be good enough.

OP:
Don't make the same mistakes as my parents and my MIL. Don't be a butthole. You can build a bridge in the relationship. You still have time. You can be happy or you can choose to be right. Those are mutually exclusive choices. Don't make a stupid choice.

I’m expecting this to show up on the Entitled People subreddit for the son’s perspective.

 

[disneychrista]

My mom for many years came and trick or treated with us.

Why do you feel that it is the parents responsibility to bring the kids to the grandparents? Unless the grandparent is housebound for whatever reason get up and go see the grandkids if it is that important that you see them in their costumes.

 

[VandVsmama]

For us, we WANTED the grandparents included in stuff. But my MIL and my parents all treated these situations like we were at Burger King, where they make it your way. It was very frustrating. We tried really hard but the logistics of it all made a lot of those situations impossible.

I already vowed to my ODD that if she decides to have kids some day, DH & I will go to wherever she is to visit. No obligations or expectations to have her family come to us. The grandkids won't care. They'll just be glad to spend time with their grandparents and that's what it's all about. It's not about some age-based power trip.

If, however, the grandparents are disabled in some way or have physical limitations or medical problems which prohibit travel/make travel really difficult, then everything I just said is a moot point.

OP hasn't said whether they have limitations like that, so I am assuming that he/she is still able bodied enough to drive a car over to where the grandkids are.

 

[Nancyg56]

My mom for many years came and trick or treated with us.

Why do you feel that it is the parents responsibility to bring the kids to the grandparents? Unless the grandparent is housebound for whatever reason get up and go see the grandkids if it is that important that you see them in their costumes.

My Mom let us lead with how we wanted to manage holidays etc. When the kids were young I took them on Christmas Eve to my IL's and then I usually had dinner home and whoever wanted to come by came by. My Mom and Aunt always did.

It's funny that you mention sides of family because my first husband died when the children were very young. His parents insisted I take the kids to them for any visits. I was alone with 3 under 5 and they would drive right by the house every Friday to shop, but did not stop in. That was my job. My Mom was different. She came to us, made life easy on us. Whatever we could manage was what she wanted, whereas for them, visits were a competition. I dont think they ever once came to see them T or T. When they got older they noticed. I never pointed things out, but they noticed. As young adults they would walk through fire for my Mom. They loved their Meme and Gramps, and they did a lot for them, but it was different. I think that the less you ask from your kids the more you end up receiving because they do what they want willingly, and not begrudgingly.

 

[pezgirlroy]

Also one things my parents did that I really appreciated...Granted it is easier because I am an only child but they come to us for Christmas which is many states away. They are now getting older and will be moving closer to us. They never expected that we would go to them.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

My mom for many years came and trick or treated with us.

Why do you feel that it is the parents responsibility to bring the kids to the grandparents? Unless the grandparent is housebound for whatever reason get up and go see the grandkids if it is that important that you see them in their costumes.

Honestly, even if the grandparent is housebound, especially if the family are making the effort to see the grandparent at least once a week, they aren't obligated to be there every single holiday. In an ideal world that would be great. But it's not reality, not to mention there are considerations that need to made for the other side of the family.

But that's holidays in general....Halloween as an expectation is just wild to me. Halloween is for the kids in the neighborhood hopefully being able to go trick or treating. It would be very nice if parents could bring the kids in costume some day before or after if the grandparent(s) are really into that, but seriously some of these demands on parents of young children are ridiculous. I don't even have kids and think this is such an outlandish demand.

 

[ClaraOswald]

Wow...there's a whole bunch of YIKES in that first post.

It's always wild to me when a grandparent doesn't realize that they aren't actually entitled to being a part of a grandchild's life, in general. Let alone entitled to specific holiday time.

We always invite my parents over on Halloween and they trick-or-treat with us or help hand out candy. They have never once expected us to drive a "reasonable distance" on Halloween. For one thing, it's often on a weekday so my son doesn't get home until after 3. Husband off work at 5. Quick dinner before trick-or-treating. Then we have to get the regular school night routine going. I can't imagine hauling my son all over the place.

I do have a few questions, just for curiosity-sake....
1. What do you consider a reasonable distance to travel for something like this?
2. Have they ever invited you to join them on Halloween?
3. Have you talked to your child about this at all?

 

[disneychrista]

Honestly, even if the grandparent is housebound, especially if the family are making the effort to see the grandparent at least once a week, they aren't obligated to be there every single holiday.

I did not mean that parents should then be obligated to go to the grandparents house. Only that if they want to see them and are physically able to they should go to see them, not the other way around.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I did not mean that parents should then be obligated to go to the grandparents house. Only that if they want to see them and are

physically able to they should go to see them, not the other way around.

Sorry, I don't know why your reply got split into two. And I totally understood what you meant and totally agree. I was just making the point that even if housebound there are other considerations. No offense meant. I thought you brought up a good point.

 

[barkley]

My cul d sac has always been close, celebrating many holidays together, Halloween is no exception. We all sit out in one driveway so the kids that come don't have to go to every house but instead have 6-8 buckets of candy to grab from in one location. One of the neighbors cooks an amazing chili while the rest bring chili trimmings or deserts.

there's a neighborhood like yours in the small town near us. they go ALL OUT for halloween (the decorations are beyond belief). one of the cul d sac houses always has a big fire pit in the front yard with a big caldron brewing-HOT CHOCOLATE which is very welcome on the frequent halloweens we have with snow falling. if you are an adult you might even get offered a special treat added to your cup-peppermint schnapps

That sounds like how my mother tried to commandeer Christmas when the first grandchild was born.

dh and i had spent several christmas mornings at his parent's before we were expecting our first child. i clearly remember the one where one of his nephews, still half asleep from the drive from their parent's home to the grandparent's (and with still another grandparent's to go to later) asking outloud 'how come santa never visits OUR house?'. broke my heart-told dh on the way home that if we ever had kids they would NEVER be drug around on christmas-anyone who wanted to be there at whatever time we pre-established was welcome but our kids were going to spend christmas day at home, in their holiday p.j.'s the way the elves intended the grands were all within driving distance and while i recall my mom doing it every year for the remainder of her life i think the in-laws never took us up on it.

 

[disneychrista]

told dh on the way home that if we ever had kids they would NEVER be drug around on christmas-anyone who wanted to be there at whatever time we pre-established was welcome but our kids were going to spend christmas day at home, in their holiday p.j.'s the way the elves intended the grands were all within driving distance and while i recall my mom doing it every year for the remainder of her life i think the in-laws never took us up on it.

After the first Christmas where we spent Christmas Eve at his moms, Christmas morning/early afternoon at his Grandparents and then Christmas late-afternoon/evening at my parents. I said NO MORE. Christmas Eve would be for his family and Christmas afternoon/evening would be for my family. Christmas morning was for our own little family.

 

[Dug720]

We always lived away from grandparents when I was growing up. (The closest was to my mom's family for 10 years when we lived in Asheville, NC and they lived in Winston-Salem, NC - but too far for a "quick pop in" by a long stretch.) So thankfully we never had to deal with that.

Once I was born, my parents made it clear that we were willing to alternate which side we did Thanksgiving with (if either) and that was either at our house or at one of the grandparents' houses. Christmas we were ALWAYS at our house on Christmas morning. If we traveled, it would be the day after - and usually whoever we saw at Thanksgiving we saw the others at Christmas. If the side we were seeing around Christmas wanted to come to us for Christmas day, that was fine...otherwise if we were traveling it would be the day after.

 

[jimmymc]

Most kids probably want to trick or treat with their friends, and parents of young kids are busy enough as it is. If it's that important to see their costumes in addition to once a week, go over to your kid's house.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Wrong thread. Sorry!

 

[NYCgrrl]

My grandparents lived in different boroughs so never trick or treated in their neighborhoods or expected to. Of course, Halloween’s importance was much less back then. Same for my kiddos even though the day was becoming more of an economic blockbuster they still didn’t visit either my grandparents or parent on the day.
Finally, my granddaughter partied in our building on the last day of October. She lived with us after her parent’s split and it’s where most of her growing up years happened. It was only for building residents and their guests and did a great job of building relationships between the 90 odd families that lived there.

Her last 3 years of high school was spent at the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade with friends and my only responsibility was to make sure her makeup was to her liking assuming I wasn’t too old to have any worthwhile taste

 

[AppleDumpling]

OP, have you considered inviting the grandkids over, on another day, perhaps the weekend before or after Halloween? They can show off their costumes, do some fun Halloween/fall activities and eat some treats (maybe your leftovers).

In my family, we sometimes spread out holiday gatherings over several days to include in-laws, other relatives, and friends. It extends the celebration, and makes things less stressful than trying to please everyone and see everyone all on one day.

 

[ClaraOswald]

Has the OP even returned to this thread at all?

Feels like rage bait.

 

[mjkacmom]

Has the OP even returned to this thread at all?

Feels like rage bait.

Nope, and it looks like 100% of responders disagreed (very unusual), I’m curious about why the OP feels the way he does.

 

[soccerdad72]

OP, have you considered inviting the grandkids over, on another day, perhaps the weekend before or after Halloween? They can show off their costumes, do some fun Halloween/fall activities and eat some treats (maybe your leftovers).

In my family, we sometimes spread out holiday gatherings over several days to include in-laws, other relatives, and friends. It extends the celebration, and makes things less stressful than trying to please everyone and see everyone all on one day.

OP generally drops threads like this and then never returns - it's their M.O.

 

[leebee]

I must be a bad grandparent. I don't care if I see the grand on Halloween or not. It's a totally over-hyped day to me, with no warm/fuzzy family feel to it. I'd be happy to get a picture of him in his costume. Of course, they live with us now, so there's a pretty good chance I'll see him.