'I apologize' vs 'I'm sorry' regarding a death

[winterman]

I just saw another thread about a death so I feel better about posting this. My 62 year old husband died of lung cancer in Jan. It was an experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I miss him terribly but I'm glad he was able to go out the way he wanted to.

Over the last 4 months I have had to make numerous phone calls in dealing with his affairs. At least 5 people that I have spoken to said "I apologize for your loss". This strikes me as very strange as they did not cause his death. I don't know where these people were except that they were not local to Maine. Here it is appropriate to say "I'm sorry for your loss". To me there is a huge difference. Can any one tell me if this is a common way to express sympathy in other parts of the country? Or, did I just run into several people who don't know the definition of 'apologize'? It may seem like a silly thing to be concerned about but it has really bugged me.

This is my first post since his death and it feels like another step forward in my attempt to start living again. Thanks to anyone who responds.

 

[Too Far From Home]

I have been taught to say "I am sorry to hear of your loss" - and I am.

 

[vickalamode]

In college I studied funeral services and bereavement. I have never heard of anyone saying "I apologize for your loss"-in school we were always taught to express sympathy as "I'm sorry for your loss" and to ask the person how they are doing.

PS-I am truly sorry for your loss. Death of someone close is always one of the biggest hardships in human life, and I know it can't be easy for you. Welcome back to the DIS-coming back here to post is one more baby step to healing!

 

[Mandychelle79]

I just saw another thread about a death so I feel better about posting this. My 62 year old husband died of lung cancer in Jan. It was an experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I miss him terribly but I'm glad he was able to go out the way he wanted to.

Over the last 4 months I have had to make numerous phone calls in dealing with his affairs. At least 5 people that I have spoken to said "I apologize for your loss". This strikes me as very strange as they did not cause his death. I don't know where these people were except that they were not local to Maine. Here it is appropriate to say "I'm sorry for your loss". To me there is a huge difference. Can any one tell me if this is a common way to express sympathy in other parts of the country? Or, did I just run into several people who don't know the definition of 'apologize'? It may seem like a silly thing to be concerned about but it has really bugged me.

This is my first post since his death and it feels like another step forward in my attempt to start living again. Thanks to anyone who responds.

My gut reaction is that English is not the person's native language. It is one of those quirks of the English language. When someone apologizes they say they are sorry most of the time. But saying I am sorry, does not always mean they are apologizing

 

[PelletierBears]

My dad died of lung cancer so I certainly sypathize with you and am sorry for your loss. Welcome back to the Dis!

I agree that saying "I apologize for your loss" implies the speaker was somehow responsible...they must not understand the definition of apologize!

 

[sbell111]

My gut reaction is that English is not the person's native language. It is one of those quirks of the English language. When someone apologizes they say they are sorry most of the time. But saying I am sorry, does not always mean they are apologizing

That is my guess as well.

 

[CandleontheWater]

I think "I'm sorry for your loss" is pretty typical everywhere.

However, the people who said "I apologize" may just have been tongue-tied and not known exactly what to say. I'm sure they were trying to express their sympathy, and I know that I often have a hard time finding the right words to express my feelings when faced with a terrible loss.

All that being said, I am sorry for your loss

 

[PuppyPrincess]

I lost my mom 2 months ago after we had just booked our yearly trip to Disney. Some years it was with my sister, sometimes my nieces joined us too. This year it was just to be the 2 of us. I was taking her to see her favorite band at Eat to the Beat - Air Supply. During this time I have never heard - I apologize. It's always been I'm sorry.

That being said - I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with others...in those cases where someone said "I apologize for your loss" I have a feeling it was someonefor whom English is not their first language. Many, many companieshave outsourced their call centers overseas and things like this get lost in translation.

 

[winterman]

Thank you for all the kind words. It's great to be back on the Disboards.

None of the people who used that expression had any trace of a non- english accent.

 

[Coconut36]

My dad died of lung cancer so I certainly sypathize with you and am sorry for your loss. Welcome back to the Dis!

I agree that saying "I apologize for your loss" implies the speaker was somehow responsible...they must not understand the definition of apologize!

I agree. Apologize doesn't make sense in that context and I am wondering if English isn't their first language and they aren't aware that apologize isn't the right word.

I am very sorry for your loss

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Perhaps they were trying to be formal and it back fired. I don't know it just sounds weird. BUT I am sorry for you loss.

 

[Stitchfans]

That is quite unusual to use I apologize regarding a death. Never heard anyone using that before in that situation.

But I truly am sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to lose someone you love.

 

[MonkeyPants]

never heard of 'apologize' , to me that would indicate guilt/remorse for actions. So unless a person caused the death, why would you apologize. Sorry for your loss is what I have always used.

 

[disykat]

I'm sorry for your loss!

I HAVE heard apologize used in this sort of context on rare occasions and it seems very odd to me too. They were not English as a second language folks.

I think some people mix up sympathize and apologize.

I'm pretty sure I saw it used on here once.

 

[ILoveToRun]

Using apologize sounds very weird to me.

With that said, I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have never heard "I apologize for your loss". Perhaps those people think that's a more formal way of expressing their condolences.

 

[antmaril]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I lost my husband almost four years ago and I have never had anyone apologize to me for my loss. I think it is a very odd thing to say.

 

[Laura66]

I found my brother dead last Friday and we had the funeral today. He was only 44.
Some people have said some really stupid things this week but I know they care and don't know what to say. So far it hasn't bothered me.

 

[Imzadi]

However, the people who said "I apologize" may just have been tongue-tied and not known exactly what to say. I'm sure they were trying to express their sympathy, and I know that I often have a hard time finding the right words to express my feelings when faced with a terrible loss.

First of all, OP, I'm sorry for you loss. As someone who's witnessed it firsthand, lung cancer is a horrible way to go.

But as someone else said above, the people might not have been taught the right words to say and are tongue tied. This culture has a lot of phobia and denial about death. So people aren't TRAINED in the right thing to say.

I also think your emotions are naturally quite a bit raw right now, rightfully so. A piece of you has been ripped away. So the slightest thing will get to you. Remember anger & irritation are sometimes the other side of grief & depression.

You also have to realize, if you are expecting people to be perfect about this situation, you are setting yourself up to be constantly disappointed and irritated. You truly can choose what you focus on with these people. Focus on and being grateful that these people are expressing sympathy at all, instead of ignoring the situation, your grief, or the topic, instead of the wrong word said.

Would you truly rather people not say anything to you about your loss? Not show any concern or express any sensitivity or sympathy because they don't know the right words to comfort you?

I found my brother dead last Friday and we had the funeral today. He was only 44.
Some people have said some really stupid things this week but I know they care and don't know what to say. So far it hasn't bothered me.

The bolded is a perfect example of what I mean. I'm sorry for your loss, too.