home school? what would you do?

[hulagirl87]

I'm looking for advice or even opinions honestly. I don't know what to do.
DD started high school this year, originally struggling with math, but got help with that and now is doing well. struggling with Earth Science and has a hard time talking to the teacher, who is pretty gruff, and also has that last period so he's about done with his day at that point. Aside from the academics, socially she is struggling. Kids are extremely mean, and DD is very sensitive. I've had to go in to school a few times to address some things that have been said, names being called, bullying, etc. I've been told kids would get talked to, but nothing changes. DD is disheartened and hates going to school. She says nothing changes, no one listens, etc. Kids are mean, teachers don't reprimand, and it's sad.

DD texts me every day about how she doesn't want to be there. Can she homeschool, or move to another school. She just can't do it anymore. I would love for her to push through this, ignore all the jerks, but unfortunately there are way more mean kids than nice ones and she is struggling to find even one friend that she feels is a good friend. I don't want her to be struggling, but I can't change kids and their behaviors.

I don't think switching schools would do anything because kids are kids no matter where you go.

DD does have a therapist, as do I. I've talked about this a lot. I've been told not to give in to homeschooling as then she is getting her way.

Ultimately, I'm the mom, and I know it's my choice, but what do I do. Any advice would really help.

 

[disneyseniors]

I'm looking for advice or even opinions honestly. I don't know what to do.
DD started high school this year, originally struggling with math, but got help with that and now is doing well. struggling with Earth Science and has a hard time talking to the teacher, who is pretty gruff, and also has that last period so he's about done with his day at that point. Aside from the academics, socially she is struggling. Kids are extremely mean, and DD is very sensitive. I've had to go in to school a few times to address some things that have been said, names being called, bullying, etc. I've been told kids would get talked to, but nothing changes. DD is disheartened and hates going to school. She says nothing changes, no one listens, etc. Kids are mean, teachers don't reprimand, and it's sad.

DD texts me every day about how she doesn't want to be there. Can she homeschool, or move to another school. She just can't do it anymore. I would love for her to push through this, ignore all the jerks, but unfortunately there are way more mean kids than nice ones and she is struggling to find even one friend that she feels is a good friend. I don't want her to be struggling, but I can't change kids and their behaviors.

I don't think switching schools would do anything because kids are kids no matter where you go.

DD does have a therapist, as do I. I've talked about this a lot. I've been told not to give in to homeschooling as then she is getting her way.

Ultimately, I'm the mom, and I know it's my choice, but what do I do. Any advice would really help.

I know what you are going through. Some kids can't handle this type of treatment and school is hell on earth for them. My grandson was the same way. I'm not going into what all happened to him but he now does classes online to get his HS diploma. He is much happier and doing well, now!

I don't know if this is an option for you, but in our case it seems to be the answer. Just know you are not alone.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Is it giving in or is it getting out?

I guess my question is - is this a question of an abusive situation in school (yes, kids can be abusive to other kids) or just a few bad days. If it's the former, we always tell the abused to get the hell out of an abusive situation as soon as possible. Since you've gone into the school and are aware of at least a cursory level of the situation, you'd know best (although I'm betting your daughter has not told you everything).

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm looking for advice or even opinions honestly. I don't know what to do.
DD started high school this year, originally struggling with math, but got help with that and now is doing well. struggling with Earth Science and has a hard time talking to the teacher, who is pretty gruff, and also has that last period so he's about done with his day at that point. Aside from the academics, socially she is struggling. Kids are extremely mean, and DD is very sensitive. I've had to go in to school a few times to address some things that have been said, names being called, bullying, etc. I've been told kids would get talked to, but nothing changes. DD is disheartened and hates going to school. She says nothing changes, no one listens, etc. Kids are mean, teachers don't reprimand, and it's sad.

DD texts me every day about how she doesn't want to be there. Can she homeschool, or move to another school. She just can't do it anymore. I would love for her to push through this, ignore all the jerks, but unfortunately there are way more mean kids than nice ones and she is struggling to find even one friend that she feels is a good friend. I don't want her to be struggling, but I can't change kids and their behaviors.

I don't think switching schools would do anything because kids are kids no matter where you go.

DD does have a therapist, as do I. I've talked about this a lot. I've been told not to give in to homeschooling as then she is getting her way.

Ultimately, I'm the mom, and I know it's my choice, but what do I do. Any advice would really help.

Personally I feel there is a huge benefit to being in school, even in public school (assuming this is a public school). Yes, I understand kids are mean, but what's going to happen when she encounters mean people in her career? This should be a learning opportunity.
That being said, at this point, you're presumably ~3/4 of the way through the year and nothing is improving. So I could understand wanting to change things. First, I would say at this point to "tough things out" until the end of the year and figure on making a change in the fall. Don't rush a decision.

Second, I would look at what other schools are options. In our district, students are allowed to go to any school in the district, but the school won't provide transportation. I assume it would be the same for public schools.

If that isn't an option, what are the home schooling options? I know of a family here that pulled their kids out of public school because of bullying, and they found some private school that was part in person/part home school(?).

If you (or her) are willing to look into it, I *HIGHLY* suggest looking at clubs and extra curricular activities at the current school (or a future one). This doesn't have to be sports. It can be drama, choir, chess club, student council, etc. ANYTHING in order to get with people who have the same interest. This helps build up a "friend group". If she is likes sports, but not good enough to be on a team, can be a manager or statistician.

Just my opinion and I wish you the best.

 

[Disneylover99]

I’d definitely try a new highschool before homeschooling.
And it sounds like something your daughter would be willing to try.
Best of luck!
I hope your daughter finds her people.

 

[hulagirl87]

Personally I feel there is a huge benefit to being in school, even in public school (assuming this is a public school). Yes, I understand kids are mean, but what's going to happen when she encounters mean people in her career? This should be a learning opportunity.
That being said, at this point, you're presumably ~3/4 of the way through the year and nothing is improving. So I could understand wanting to change things. First, I would say at this point to "tough things out" until the end of the year and figure on making a change in the fall. Don't rush a decision.

Second, I would look at what other schools are options. In our district, students are allowed to go to any school in the district, but the school won't provide transportation. I assume it would be the same for public schools.

If that isn't an option, what are the home schooling options? I know of a family here that pulled their kids out of public school because of bullying, and they found some private school that was part in person/part home school(?).

If you (or her) are willing to look into it, I *HIGHLY* suggest looking at clubs and extra curricular activities at the current school (or a future one). This doesn't have to be sports. It can be drama, choir, chess club, student council, etc. ANYTHING in order to get with people who have the same interest. This helps build up a "friend group". If she is likes sports, but not good enough to be on a team, can be a manager or statistician.

Just my opinion and I wish you the best.

She was in the school play this past winter and really liked it, but it was her first play and the other kids were already established theater kids so she had a hard time fitting in with them too. In the fall when I could already see that things were going to be difficult, I reached out to our local YMCA about volunteering, so she does that now in the child watch, and I also got her into dance classes, not with kids from her school. she likes that as well. But the school stuff is really putting a damper on things and making even the fun stuff not as fun as this is really weighing on her.
thank you for your nice message!

 

[disneydreamer1980]

If you were able to, I’d homeschool. I know for sure I would if I were in your position. Kids hurt themselves and worse over situations like this. If she’s that miserable, it’s not “giving in” it’s helping her. Maybe find clubs or homeschool groups or something to do so she can socialize and possibly make friends if you homeschool though. It’s important for her to be around kids her age, but at least in that type of setting she can escape if they’re not being nice.

 

[hulagirl87]

I’d definitely try a new highschool before homeschooling.
And it sounds like something your daughter would be willing to try.
Best of luck!
I hope your daughter finds her people.

we don't have any other high schools in our district and I don't know the rules of going to a school outside of the district so will have to look that up.

thank you so much for your kind words!

 

[hulagirl87]

Is it giving in or is it getting out?

I guess my question is - is this a question of an abusive situation in school (yes, kids can be abusive to other kids) or just a few bad days. If it's the former, we always tell the abused to get the hell out of an abusive situation as soon as possible. Since you've gone into the school and are aware of at least a cursory level of the situation, you'd know best (although I'm betting your daughter has not told you everything).

oh, I hear everything! I appreciate that she is so open and honest with me and love that she can come to me, but it's hard hearing how much she is struggling and how sad she is. I'm trying so hard to keep her happy. I just know that I can't protect her from everything and how much am I supposed to push her through, and also to protect her from? If it was just a one instance kind of thing, I would tell her to suck it up, but it just seems like it is on the daily that mean works are said, uncomfortable situations are happening. Just today, a kid sitting behind her in French pulled her hair, called her a bad name, and then dug his nails into her hand. She called me after class from the bathroom crying. I encouraged her to go tell the teacher, but wrote to the teacher in the meantime as well. The teacher wrote back saying that she was so sorry that happened and she would address it on Monday. I don't get why these kids think they can act so terribly.

Ultimately, her happiness is my main goal. I just don't know if switching schools is the answer as there are mean kids everywhere and I can't protect her from that. Or homeschooling, as then I'm pulling her from all social activity whether it's good or bad.

 

[hulagirl87]

If you were able to, I’d homeschool. I know for sure I would if I were in your position. Kids hurt themselves and worse over situations like this. If she’s that miserable, it’s not “giving in” it’s helping her. Maybe find clubs or homeschool groups or something to do so she can socialize and possibly make friends if you homeschool though. It’s important for her to be around kids her age, but at least in that type of setting she can escape if they’re not being nice.

I'm just trying to get her through this year. I didn't realize how difficult this was going to be and how cruel kids could really be. I just get such conflicting information. Yes, homeschool, your kid will be fine socially, and then no, don't homeschool, you're giving in to their demands and then they won't know how to socialize. She does dance and volunteers at our local Y, so does have outside interaction with non school kids, so that's good.

 

[TwoMisfits]

oh, I hear everything! I appreciate that she is so open and honest with me and love that she can come to me, but it's hard hearing how much she is struggling and how sad she is. I'm trying so hard to keep her happy. I just know that I can't protect her from everything and how much am I supposed to push her through, and also to protect her from? If it was just a one instance kind of thing, I would tell her to suck it up, but it just seems like it is on the daily that mean works are said, uncomfortable situations are happening. Just today, a kid sitting behind her in French pulled her hair, called her a bad name, and then dug his nails into her hand. She called me after class from the bathroom crying. I encouraged her to go tell the teacher, but wrote to the teacher in the meantime as well. The teacher wrote back saying that she was so sorry that happened and she would address it on Monday. I don't get why these kids think they can act so terribly.

Ultimately, her happiness is my main goal. I just don't know if switching schools is the answer as there are mean kids everywhere and I can't protect her from that. Or homeschooling, as then I'm pulling her from all social activity whether it's good or bad.

Okay, that's assault. I'd be done with that school this weekend. Your daughter does not need to be assaulted daily.

This isn't kindergarten. These are teen boys hurting your daughter. They know better and what is small now will likely just continue to grow.

So, 100% homeschool. Today. Now. Go take her out of school and show you respect her and her body, and are willing to protect her from physical abuse.

 

[CAPSLOCK]

It's concerning that the school won't address issues that include physical harm. Sounds like a few kids getting some suspensions would do the whole school some good.

 

[sam_gordon]

Or homeschooling, as then I'm pulling her from all social activity whether it's good or bad.

There might be other groups specifically for home schoolers. I know the family I mentioned, their older son was on a soccer team that consisted for just home schoolers.

I still suggest at this point, trying to ride out the year (eight weeks, maybe?), but gather up information on what your options are. Talk not only to the school, but maybe the district. If your a member of a church, talk to people there. Surely there are private schools somewhere near you. Can you afford tuition? Can you handle transportation?

If home school, who is going to teach? What curriculums could you use?

Obviously all of this should be discussed with your daughter. Let her know (and help) you're looking at what options you have.

FWIW, our youngest just graduated HS. Although she was on the HS soccer team and club team with the same girls, she wasn't really social. She broke out of her shell her senior year, made some new friends (I think through drama), and enjoyed her senior year. I just say this as an example of how things can turn around, and quickly.

 

[Praying Colonel]

FWIW, our public school district was a real 2-tier system. If your child was fantastic and having no issues whatsoever, they had several good options for them to excel. But if your kid needed any extra help at all, you were out of luck. Even for things statutorily required like IEPs and 504s, it was like pushing a wet noodle up a wall.

Child #1 did well academically at a gifted magnet school but poorly socially. We wavered on what to do and eventually stuck it out with her in that school.

Child #2 didn't do well in any facet. We withdrew him and home schooled him for a couple of years, then found a private school that used some alternative teaching methods. He thrived.

Our biggest regret is not pulling both of them out of public school earlier and either home schooling or sending to private school. YMMV. Good luck!

 

[Dug720]

If you do go the homeschool route, just make sure you know ALL the requirements for your location.

Where I am, it's pretty extensive. It's not just as simple as saying "I'm teaching them at home."

Requirements in my area:
Here's a more detailed breakdown of the requirements:

• Notice of Intent: You must provide written notice of your intent to homeschool to the school district superintendent.
  
  
• Individualized Home Instruction Plan (IHIP): The school district will provide you with an IHIP form to complete, outlining your homeschooling plan.
  
  
• Instructional Hours: You must provide a minimum of 180 days of instruction each school year.
  
  
• Quarterly Reports: You'll need to submit quarterly reports to the school district, documenting your child's attendance and academic progress.
  
  
• Annual Assessment: You are required to conduct an annual assessment, which includes a standardized test.
  
  
• Record Keeping: Maintain records of your child's education, including attendance logs, portfolios of work, and assessments.
  
  
• Competence: New York requires parents to be "competent" to homeschool.
  
  
• High School Completion: Students who homeschool through high school do not receive a diploma, but they have other options to show they completed a high school education.
  
  
• Notification to School District: Parents must notify the school district of their intent to homeschool.
  
  
• Curriculum: You need to obtain curriculum to meet the mandated subjects.
  
  
• State Testing: Homeschooled students are still subject to state testing requirements, including mandatory school age for homeschool graduates.
  
  
• Age Requirements: Children ages 6-18 are required to be in school in the State of California.
  
  
• Attendance Requirements: Parents must teach for a minimum of 900 hours for grades K-6th or 990 hours for grades 7th through 12th.
  
  
• Immunization Records: Homeschooling families must also keep annual assessments and immunization records on file.

 

[citruscurtis]

Social activity can be achieved in many situations outside of school so don't worry about missing that aspect... I was bullied in 70s high school so myself and others used the lunch library to hide....her staying in school just leads to more paranoia and hinders mature development . High school is horrible if you are not fitting in to the social dynamics

 

[sam_gordon]

Just today, a kid sitting behind her in French pulled her hair, called her a bad name, and then dug his nails into her hand.

Let her know if this happens again to make a scene. YELL as loud as she can "OW!" She needs to get the teacher's attention. "Janey, what's wrong?" "Brian pulled my pig tails"

Just my opinion, but I'm not sure how much the teacher can do after class. Wouldn't it be a "he said/she said" situation?

And no, I'm not blaming the OP's daughter.

 

[tvguy]

Is a Public Charter School or Private School an option? I know that is an option a lot of parents around here use when they have issues with their kids in public schools.

 

[lanejudy]

DD texts me every day about how she doesn't want to be there.

I'm just trying to get her through this year. I didn't realize how difficult this was going to be and how cruel kids could really be. I just get such conflicting information.

The first quote above is particularly concerning and needs to be addressed immediately. Whether with the school, DD's therapist, or elsewhere. Please, my community recently lost a young girl, your daughter is begging for help and you need to find it for her now.

You mentioned your daughter has a therapist but have you spoken to a social worker or counselor at the school? Most schools today have at least one on staff. It maybe part of the Guidance Department or the school nurse's office. Alternatively, have you spoken with her (non-school) therapist so that person knows the extent of your daughter's distress. If nothing else please call the national 9-8-8 hotline and ask for suggestions how to help her in the immediate timeframe.

 

[barkley]

we don't have any other high schools in our district and I don't know the rules of going to a school outside of the district so will have to look that up.

same with our district-very small/only 1 elementary/middle/high school so it is limiting on options.

that said- look to your individual state's department of education website to find out what options are available to you free of charge/little to no cost. if out of district is permitted then find out if it's even possible b/c that's an issue where we live. the closest district (and ours) always had a very opendoor policy permitting it. initially on transportation it was 'get your kid to the closest bus stop we service and we will transport back and forth', then as the more popular district got overwhelmed with transporting students new transfer students had to provide their own transportation, NOW they will not take ANY out of district students at all b/c between (1) population growth within the district and (2) some kind of ruling that 'verified' homeless students whose parents establish they lived within the district prior to homelessness and now reside outside the district BUT with the intent to return have to be permitted to enroll/attend (and be provided transportation so the one district is charged with some crazy distant transportation routes) they are technically beyond capacity.

if you find out what you have available you can make choices that best suit your kiddo-

public school (different district your your case)

private school (mine went this route k-8th and while I see the value I also saw/dh lived as a kid that unless a private school is NOT affiliated with a particular elementary/middle the bulk of kids have gone to school together for years and years and have established their friend groups which can be very difficult to break into),

homeschooling (we are allowed independant, some kind through co-operation with a public school, some kind through co-operation with private schools),

hybrid with public school-basicly the student gets their assignments and does certain classes onsite (kind of a part-time gig),

on-line-these seem to differ. some have very little 'class-time' and are more self-propelled learning, some are very similar to traditional school and have zoom classes daily with allot of teacher/student interaction (and field trips).

final option is one that is only offered Jr/Sr year-'running start' which permits students with a decent GPA to attend (free of charge) college classes (in person or on-line). the coursework is set-up so it meets both the final 2 years of high school requirements and the first 2 years of college general ed. this might be something to look into even if she's not interested at this point just to see what coursework she would have to complete by the end of her sophomore year to qualify so it could be an option if whatever you choose for next year is not to her liking (and I will say-i was a huge choir and drama kid in high school but did not belong to the clique for it at my public school, my social lifesaver was being able to participate in local community AND college classes and productions-everyone is a 'newbie' at the Jr. college level so I found them to be much more welcoming).

best of luck on whatever you choose.