Does guilt work on you? Update p. 3

[kimblebee]

For me, personally, the more
someone tries to guilt me into doing something, the less likely I am to do it.

My youngest brother got engaged yesterday and very early thinking is that the wedding and celebrations will be in Toronto, where they live. It’s not very far for us, about a 3 hour plane ride. We’d have to stay in a hotel and possibly rent a car or something to get around.

If you’ve being keeping up with the thread about my husband, you know he’s still in the hospital. If you’re not, why not?? (Totally kidding) He should be coming home in the next week or two, but he’ll be in a wheelchair with strict instructions not to weight bear. His wrists and hands are still weak and he’s still doing physiotherapy every day.

I don’t have an issue with him in a wheelchair. He can get around with it and I know the airplane staff would be very accommodating. My issue is that we don’t know what November will bring. He could be 100% normal (fingers crossed) or he could be back in the hospital. He still could be needing wound care and physio. We just don’t know. It really is a day by day situation.

I’ll admit, I’m not 100% crazy about us going to Toronto. There’s way too many what if situations that could happen. I know November is a long way away, but I’m picturing it in today’s settings, because that would be a worst case scenario.

Another issue is his size. He’s 6’7” and he’s all legs. We won’t be able to sit in the emergency exit seats for extra leg room because he wouldn’t be able to help in an emergency. We’ll be flying cheap so the plane won’t have first class and even if it did, we couldn’t afford it.

Now to the point of the thread..

I haven’t talked to my mom yet (she knows everything lol) but I wonder if my brother or my mom has considered the fact that we may not be able to go. I’ll wait a while before I ask, because nothing has been finalized yet. When it does come up though, I have a feeling that someone, my mom or more likely my sister will try and guilt me/us into going. I know I should, it’s my youngest brother getting married after all. But, we would be coming with a lot of what ifs. Hopefully I’m worried for nothing and he’ll be totally healed and there won’t be any issues. Fingers crossed I’d get to go to the Hockey Hall of Fame too lol

So, does guilt work on you?

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Nope, guilt is just a form of manipulation, and it absolutely does not work on me.

If someone tries to guilt me into something, my first reaction is generally to ask them (to their face) why they are trying to manipulate me. Most people, when confronted, are shocked I called them out on it, and usually drop it right then and there.

 

[Christine]

No, guilt never works on me. Causes me to dig my heels in.

I understand why some people do it; however, to have a family member do that to you when your husband has been SO sick, is inexcusable. You just guilt them right back if it comes to it.

 

[Squirlz]

Sounds like it's already working!

 

[abdmom]

I would wait until a couple of months before the wedding to make any decisions or discuss it with family. If flying is still out of the question for your dh at that point and you don't feel comfortable leaving him alone and going yourself, then don't go. I wouldn't borrow trouble by stressing out now.

 

[Disneylover99]

No. Guilt from other people doesn't work on me. Fortunately, I don't have people in my life that make me feel guilty. Any guilt I feel is brought on by myself.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Yes. Salesmen hate me because I absolutely refuse to allow anyone to sell me on anything, even if it is something that I genuinely need, so at least I'm not gullible in that way. BUT if you can convince me there is a family obligation or some kind of bond to a person so that I feel obligated to do something for them, I'm a goner. My great-grandma was from Scotland and she believed in all kinds of superstitions and she used to say I was an old soul, born with a guilty conscience.

 

[kimblebee]

Sounds like it's already working!

It hasn’t even started and may not start at all lol

I would wait until a couple of months before the wedding to make any decisions or discuss it with family. If flying is still out of the question for your dh at that point and you don't feel comfortable leaving him alone and going yourself, then don't go. I wouldn't borrow trouble by stressing out now.

There’s no way I could leave him on his own. He has a brother but I wouldn’t trust him to have DH needs as a priority.

 

[Deb & Bill]

...There’s no way I could leave him on his own. He has a brother but I wouldn’t trust him to have DH needs as a priority.

In that case, you don't go to the wedding if he needs you there. You just say sorry, but you can't go and you'll be with them in spirit.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No.... guilt has no effect on me. It is a manipulation used by vile evil people to get what they want.

Not sure what this has to do with sales/salespersons????

OP, I am not familiar with the situation with your DH, but I do wonder how you feel he 'might possibly' be good enough for light travel, but you have also already ruled out traveling without him. (because you could not leave him alone). Could their be a bit of guilt over your responsibilities towards your husband at play.

 

[Floridaman999]

I'd love to lie and give a different answer, but yes, guilt works on me in a big way. Unfortunately, those around me have figured it out. They don't use it like they could so I guess that's a good thing.

 

[Wendy31]

Absolutely, guilt works on me!!

Family guilt is the worst, but I also once decided not to look at a "for sale by owner" house that possibly would have been perfect for us, because our realtor would have lost commission.

 

[abdmom]

@Wendy31 FSBO sales commonly give a commission to buyers' agents. We bought a FSBO house and our agent was just as happy as if we'd bought one that was represented by a realtor.

 

[kimblebee]

No.... guilt has no effect on me. It is a manipulation used by vile evil people to get what they want.

Not sure what this has to do with sales/salespersons????

OP, I am not familiar with the situation with your DH, but I do wonder how you feel he 'might possibly' be good enough for light travel, but you have also already ruled out traveling without him. (because you could not leave him alone). Could their be a bit of guilt over your responsibilities towards your husband at play.

I'm just thinking out loud and covering all bases. If he's ok to travel, it won't be smooth sailing, but we'll go. If he isn't able to travel, I won't leave him here alone. My whole family would be going to the wedding so no one would be here to watch him. I'll just have to play it by ear as the date gets closer. Unfortunately for us, we don't have an airline that will do cheap flights the further out you book so we'll be looking at $500 round trip or so..and that's per person.

 

[Wendy31]

@Wendy31 FSBO sales commonly give a commission to buyers' agents. We bought a FSBO house and our agent was just as happy as if we'd bought one that was represented by a realtor.

This was back in 2003, & I can't remember all the details. I had driven past a house in our favorite subdivision & saw the the "For Sale by Owner," &, when I mentioned it to our realtor, she seemed less than enthused & mentioned, while she'd be glad to go see it w/ us, she wouldn't get any commission.

She had shown us so many houses & had been so patient w/ us, & I just couldn't do it.

EDITED TO ADD - Mom Guilt is the worst, followed closely by Daughter Guilt. In your case, Kim, I'd wait until the time was closer before making any decisions & just not mention anything about the wedding until then. If your mom asks, just say, "I hope it works, but we'll see..."

 

[sjrec]

November is a long time away-so you don’t have to make any decisions yet. But if your husband’s health still isn’t up to traveling by then, no one should be trying to make you feel guilty after all you’ve been through.

 

[UncleMike101]

I like to travel, but I don't do guilt trips.

 

[Skippy918]

Guilt from parents is the worst! I would play it by ear. Re-evaluate the situation early fall and see if it’s doable. If not, see if you can attend virtually. Someone going likely has a tablet and can skype or FaceTime you so you can at least see the wedding.

 

[starry_solo]

This was back in 2003, & I can't remember all the details. I had driven past a house in our favorite subdivision & saw the the "For Sale by Owner," &, when I mentioned it to our realtor, she seemed less than enthused & mentioned, while she'd be glad to go see it w/ us, she wouldn't get any commission.

She had shown us so many houses & had been so patient w/ us, & I just couldn't do it.

EDITED TO ADD - Mom Guilt is the worst, followed closely by Daughter Guilt. In your case, Kim, I'd wait until the time was closer before making any decisions & just not mention anything about the wedding until then. If your mom asks, just say, "I hope it works, but we'll see..."

Weird, she should have gotten at least 2-3% commission (half of what the standard commission is). The owner only saves on the seller's commission, not the buyer's commission.

 

[MomofKatie]

It does, but not as much as when I was younger. I have always been a real "people-pleaser", but I find it easier to say no to guilt trippers and make decisions that make myself happy as I get older.