Does guilt work on you? Update p. 3

[Lilacs4Me]

Someone trying to guilt me never works. My parents don't even try, and on the few ocassions MIL tried (guilt is her main MO), she got the message pretty quickly when I laughed and said I have zero quilt for not coming to her house every Sunday for dinner, or not wanting to spend every holiday with her instead of FIL or my family. She stopped trying to guilt trip after that.

I feel guilty every day that I don't do enough for my husband and kids, but that's my issue, not an issue of them making me feel that way.

 

[dotfurio]

People trying make me feel guilty doesn't work on me, but I often guilt myself into things.

In your case in this situation I wouldn't feel guilty at all! You guys have been through a lot and you need to do what's best for you.

 

[emer95]

Yes, guilt works on me. Very successfully, although as a PP said, it is definitely getting better as I get older.

 

[ronandannette]

I voted yes, but ONLY if I actually feel guilty. I have a pretty sensitive conscience and my own deeply-held standards and ideals. If I'm feeling guilty about having deviated from those in some way, it generally does motivate corrective action on my part. The kind of "guilt" the OP is talking about where somebody tries to get you to do what they want by manipulating your emotions? No, that's totally not a thing for me.

 

[mumto3girls]

I don’t think someone else “guilting” me is necessarily effective, but I would say my own feelings of guilt are a strong motivator for me. With 3 kids, a husband, a house and a job, it often feels as though there is not enough of me to go around and it makes me do crazy things to try to make that right.

 

[kimblebee]

I voted yes, but ONLY if I actually feel guilty. I have a pretty sensitive conscience and my own deeply-held standards and ideals. If I'm feeling guilty about having deviated from those in some way, it generally does motivate corrective action on my part. The kind of "guilt" the OP is talking about where somebody tries to get you to do what they want by manipulating your emotions? No, that's totally not a thing for me.

Reading everyone’s replies, I think the biggest guilt would come from me. I very much feel that there are certain things that should like going to your own brothers wedding. It’s all the what if’s that make it a bit more difficult. Only time will tell I guess.

 

[ronandannette]

Reading everyone’s replies, I think the biggest guilt would come from me. I very much feel that there are certain things that should like going to your own brothers wedding. It’s all the what if’s that make it a bit more difficult. Only time will tell I guess.

I agree but your situation is more what I'd call "regret" than guilt. You want to go, they want you to go, you'd go if you could but circumstances may just render that impossible. Everybody involved will "regret" you missing it and undoubtedly your heart will hurt, but you're doing nothing wrong per se and unfortunately sometimes life is like that. I wish you all well.

 

[kimblebee]

I agree but your situation is more what I'd call "regret" than guilt. You want to go, they want you to go, you'd go if you could but circumstances may just render that impossible. Everybody involved will "regret" you missing it and undoubtedly your heart will hurt, but you're doing nothing wrong per se and unfortunately sometimes life is like that. I wish you all well.

That’s a very good explanation.

 

[Micca]

I don't think guilt works on me, OTOH I try not to be guilty of much.

 

[fla4fun]

Reading everyone’s replies, I think the biggest guilt would come from me. I very much feel that there are certain things that should like going to your own brothers wedding. It’s all the what if’s that make it a bit more difficult. Only time will tell I guess.

I had circumstances that I won’t go into that prevented me going to my sister’s wedding. Everyone understood and no one had, or has, hard feelings about it. I am sure your family is well aware of what you have been through and won’t hold it against you if you can’t go. Your first priority is you and your husband.

And no, I don’t let people guilt me into things. That can be a slippery slope . . .

Would someone be willing to FaceTime or some other form of video phone the ceremony so you can attend remotely? Just a thought.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I chose "Other." I don't let people guilt me into doing something, but on the flip side I'm a bit of a soft touch and have difficulty saying no.

 

[kimblebee]

I had circumstances that I won’t go into that prevented me going to my sister’s wedding. Everyone understood and no one had, or has, hard feelings about it. I am sure your family is well aware of what you have been through and won’t hold it against you if you can’t go. Your first priority is you and your husband.

And no, I don’t let people guilt me into things. That can be a slippery slope . . .

Would someone be willing to FaceTime or some other form of video phone the ceremony so you can attend remotely? Just a thought.

That is a good idea.

 

[RUDisney]

I was going to ask if you knew what year it was. lol But Fla4fun beat me to it, in a much less sarcastic way.

If you're face timing from CA to US, then I'd recommend What's App so you and your kind host can (hopefully) use wifi at the wedding venue to communicate with you at home. Worst case is if a Canadian used their data to help you out.

You can be there in spirit while still watching the wedding in person.

 

[kimblebee]

I was going to ask if you knew what year it was. lol But Fla4fun beat me to it, in a much less sarcastic way.

If you're face timing from CA to US, then I'd recommend What's App so you and your kind host can (hopefully) use wifi at the wedding venue to communicate with you at home. Worst case is if a Canadian used their data to help you out.

You can be there in spirit while still watching the wedding in person.

Sarcasm is my language so it’s all good lol

 

[ols386]

Yes guilt works on me. Both of my parents are deceased now, but back when they were living they knew how to guilt trip me and get me to do what they wanted me to. They were nice people but knew how to manipulate me.

 

[soccerdad72]

Sure, sometimes - Catholics are good at guilt.

 

[BLAZEY]

I'm just thinking out loud and covering all bases. If he's ok to travel, it won't be smooth sailing, but we'll go. If he isn't able to travel, I won't leave him here alone. My whole family would be going to the wedding so no one would be here to watch him. I'll just have to play it by ear as the date gets closer. Unfortunately for us, we don't have an airline that will do cheap flights the further out you book so we'll be looking at $500 round trip or so..and that's per person.

Would you be able to get respite care for him if he is still unwell at the time you leave? Caring for a family member unable to care for them self is very draining both mentally and physically of the family members who do the care giving. It may be something to look into, especially if he still need significant care aid at the time. It can effect your health and caregivers need to take care of themselves. https://stamant.ca/programs/complex-care-residence/respite-services/

 

[mumto3girls]

Would you be able to get respite care for him if he is still unwell at the time you leave? Caring for a family member unable to care for them self is very draining both mentally and physically of the family members who do the care giving. It may be something to look into, especially if he still need significant care aid at the time. It can effect your health and caregivers need to take care of themselves. https://stamant.ca/programs/complex-care-residence/respite-services/

I think this is such good advice. It might be difficult to leave him, but if he comes home soon and is not ready to travel by November, that is a long stretch of caregiving for you. By that time you might be really ready for a break and time away with your family at a celebration might be exactly what you need to take care of you.

 

[kimblebee]

Would you be able to get respite care for him if he is still unwell at the time you leave? Caring for a family member unable to care for them self is very draining both mentally and physically of the family members who do the care giving. It may be something to look into, especially if he still need significant care aid at the time. It can effect your health and caregivers need to take care of themselves. https://stamant.ca/programs/complex-care-residence/respite-services/

Thank you for looking this up. St. Amant is for people with mental impairments, not physical ones.

I think this is such good advice. It might be difficult to leave him, but if he comes home soon and is not ready to travel by November, that is a long stretch of caregiving for you. By that time you might be really ready for a break and time away with your family at a celebration might be exactly what you need to take care of you.

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It is something that could be considered. When he comes home, he will be able to do things for himself, I’ll mostly be around if he needs something from upstairs or needs to eat. I won’t have to be a 24/7 nurse which would be way too hard for me to continue long term. I think the best thing for now is to forget it for a month or so and then talk to my mom and see where she’s at.

 

[cabanafrau]

For me the source of the guilt determines whether it works or not. Manipulative pressure, no. My conscience giving me a swift and needed kick, yes.

As far as OP's situation, first of all at this point she's simply speculating. Secondly on one hand she's theorizing mom and sibling will exert pressure -- while admitting nothing whatsoever has even been implied and all pressure is arising only in her own mind. Life delivers enough headaches, hassles and problems as it is, don't spin more up out of thin air.