Diane's Journal to a Happier/Healthier me...encouragement welcome!

[Goofydiane]

I'm 27 days late in starting this specific New Year goal, however better late than never! So, a little history about me, hopefully in just 1 paragraph.

I'm Diane and I'm 44 years young. I've struggled with weight my entire adult life and 2 years ago made the decision that if I wanted to see my 43rd birthday, I needed to do something about it. Fast forward 2 years and my ticker says it all - I'm down 92 lbs currently, with me getting to 100 lbs a few times. I get there and then just stop working at it and I'm not sure why and that brings me to writing things down and starting this journal.

I've lurked on these boards for quite some time, posting something here and there on other boards, but very rarely in on this board - I just thought I could fight this struggle on my own. I started WW 2 years ago with a friend of mine, however as we changed our lives, those changes took us in different directions and we rarely talk anymore, while I struggled with this, I continued with the changes and got to 100 lbs lost and I seemed to decide, well I'm here and I can take a break now. About a year ago, I had to make the most difficult decision to put my dog down. I had had him for almost 14 years and he was one of the most important people (yes, my dog was a person) in my life. I gained back about 50 lbs between struggling through that and work stress. At this same time, I joined a gym and started working out with a personal trainer 2 times per week. He stuck with me through the weight gain and this past September I got back to 100 lbs lost again.

I now fluctuate between 90-100lbs lost and I really want to focus on losing more in 2008, so I made the decision to hold myself accountable and really focus on why I make bad decisions when I do. I still work out with the trainer 2x per week and even though I'm not losing weight, I'm losing inches and toning more an more. We have some short term goals of training me to run a 5K. I absolutely HATE running/jogging, but I do it.

What am I planning on learning from this journal?
1. Putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere other than just in my head.
2. Use the journal to work through the stress and hopefully keep me away from my normal path of junk food when stressed.
3. Being able to reflect back over time to see my progress.

What I'm going to track?
1. Food
2. Exercise. My trainer and I are getting me to work up to jogging 3.0 miles at 5 mph. It's still a combination of jog/walk and today I did the 3 miles in 43 minutes and 56 seconds and the goal is to improve each day.

I read this quote in a book yesterday and I'm adopting it as a motto this year:


Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, good for you losing that much weight! That takes a tremendous amount of hard work to make that happen, I know you can get the rest of your weight off! Losing inches is a sure sign you are toning up and that's something a lot of people don't bother to measure. Journaling can really make a difference, you may be surprised at just how helpful it can be. I can also relate to your now distant relationship with your friend/ww buddy. I had that same thing happen. Good for you for sticking with WW on your own.

I want to say your doggy loss is a real loss, believe me I know! I lost my 13 year old beagle a year ago and my 10 year old dalmation six months earlier. I now have a new beagle but not a day goes by when I don't think of my Benjamin and Lacey. Dogs are definitely people, in fact they are sometimes better companions and friends!

Welcome to WISH, we are here to support you!

Amy

 

[DisDee]

Welcome Diane! The WISH journals are a great source of motivation and accountability. Post often and read some other journals...that always helps me!

 

[Goofydiane]

Welcome to WISH, we are here to support you!

Amy

Thanks Amy! I appreciate the well wishes and encouragement!

 

[Goofydiane]

Welcome Diane! The WISH journals are a great source of motivation and accountability. Post often and read some other journals...that always helps me!

Thanks! I started reading some of them and wow - they are long! So I'm working my way through some of the shorter ones first.

Motivation and accountability are what is needed. I'm looking forward to this though.

 

[Goofydiane]

YUCK! I just had to write my annual review and it is so frustrating to spend 1/2 a day writing a review justifying how you do your job when all review scores and raises have already been discussed and determined! Last year our director said the one thing he had as a goal for his year was to get me assistance - I manage a system that is used by 5 different departments and all our stores and everyone comes to me with questions. Well, he left in June for a promotion (guess he had other goals for the year) and I'm still looking for help. I took Friday off before I maxed out on vacation time and ended up working most of yesterday to get caught up. What did I writing on my review as my business goal for 2008? Yep - Get Help!!! (The laughter is because I don't see it happening).


Food so far today has been
Weight Management Oatmeal
Apple for a snack

 

[DisDee]

I must congratulate you on your awesome weight loss! WW is such a successful program for so many people, and life-altering too. I joined a few months back and enjoyed the meetings and Monthly Pass program, but I've had to put it on hold for a couple of months. (If you want to check out the last month on my journal, you'll see why.) Anyway, hang in there, and I'm sure you'll meet your new goals also!

 

[Goofydiane]

Had a great chat with a friend tonight - we are each other's bamboo (those in WW should know about bamboo) and she really got that bamboo under me tonight and helped me float back to the top. One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to not focus on weight loss and just focus on feeling better and toning and losing size, yet I still weigh myself all the time. Her response "give me your scale for 2 months" - my first thought...how will I ever update my ticker at the bottom of my signature??

So - the ticker is going to stay at 92 for the next 6-8 weeks while she has possession of my scale. I'm looking forward to it, will allow me to focus on other aspects of getting healthy and not get the high or low when I bust my butt all week and the darn thing gets larger or just smaller by .5 lbs.

Workout wasn't as good as it could have been. My legs/hip is sore from transitioning from walking to jogging. I pushed myself through to 70 minutes, which I am proud about, I could have stopped at anytime and I just kept going. It helped to have a lot of Off Kilter music on the Zune, I can do almost anything with their music in the background! Talked to my trainer and he suggested a massage, good thing that was my xmas present from my parents - I can get a massage now and not have to pay for it!

Things I'm proud of today:
1. healthy food day, even counting that bite size Three Muskateers bar I had. Seriously, it is 1/2 inch square - that isn't even a bite, it is a nibble.
2. I stuck to the walking, even when my legs were sore and tired.

 

[Goofydiane]

I must congratulate you on your awesome weight loss! WW is such a successful program for so many people, and life-altering too. I joined a few months back and enjoyed the meetings and Monthly Pass program, but I've had to put it on hold for a couple of months. (If you want to check out the last month on my journal, you'll see why.) Anyway, hang in there, and I'm sure you'll meet your new goals also!

I'm off to read some of your journal Denise. Thanks!

 

[Goofydiane]

wow - how can you feel so proud of yourself and so discouraged in yourself at the same time? Told my trainer about going without a scale for 2 months and he actually agreed it was a good thing. I get so frustrated when I work out, follow an eating plan and then gain weight. Logically I know it is just that I'm getting toned up and replacing fat with muscle, but still - you want to see the number go down, not up, even if it is only half a pound.

I'm glad he agreed with me to put the scale away for a while, now I can just focus on making the right decisions all the time. I'm surprised at how open I can be with him, it's weird knowing that he is there to help me out and make my life better, no alterior motive, not looking for something in return (except my money!). I struggle on the weekends because I don't have my work - how sad is it when one of the things I most associate with myself is work. I need to find a way to meet people and get hobbies that involve more people than just myself.

What I'm proud of today:
1. I did 20 pushups moving the ball between hands without stopping - 3 times over!
2. I jumped rope for the first time in more years than I can count and didn't trip, fall or break my neck
3. I didn't cancel my training session when the thermometer in my car started registering -11, yes, it is that flippin cold today...brrrrrrrr

Tommorrow's goal -
Make good decisions all day long.

 

[DisDee]

Thanks for stopping by my journal Diane. I do try to keep an up-beat attitude...(most of the time).

It must be great to be able to work with a trainer to help keep you focused! And congrats on the rope jumping...that's tough. Keep up the great work and commitment.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hi Diane,

You are doing really well, I think giving your scale to a friend was a very brilliant idea! Too often we get hung up on the number and not the overall process. Its great you have a trainer you can trust and work with. Enjoy your massage!

As for journals, here's what I did when I started WISH. I simple went back a page or two on the people who visited my journal. There is no way you can caught up on a whole journal unless its a recent joiner to WISH. Its always okay to just hop in on the latest, week or so of someone's life. And sometimes I get behind on other's journals and my own, and then I just do the same thing, read back a few days and hop back in. Some of us have journals that go back for years and hundreds of pages!


Keep up your great work, I hope you get that help at work!

 

[Goofydiane]

What a crappy day, however I still feel good about it all as I'm learning to just let the bad stuff happen and not dwell on it. Even though I ate some bad food at work, I still had a very healthy dinner, and in the past I would have blown the whole day and not just a meal. I'm glad about the consequences with my trainer and I know they will help move me along.

One thing I struggle with is self-esteem and I tend to put myself down when I have bad days or struggle with something we do during a workout. I got called on it last night and we made a deal - each time I do this, I have to do a sprint on the treadmill for 45 seconds. 7.0 mph and a 7.0 incline. Yeah - I can't see me being that negative ever again. If there is one thing I hate doing, it is treadmill sprints...who would like to run at 7.0 mph and a 7.0 incline? Even if it is only for 45 second...it is longer than I want to run. If there is someone out there who likes this, please tell me why???

If there is anything out there to ensure I do cardio each day is the penalty for not doing cardio daily. I have to pay him $5 for each day missed. I work in numbers all day long - if there is something I am protective of, it is my money! If I go 30 days straight with no misses, he owes me a free session. I'm going to win this one and he knows it.

Goal for tomorrow - get to the club early and then later in the day. I'm working at home the next two days and if the temperature rises above 0, I'm going for a short workout in the morning and then a full one later in the day.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I'm proud of the fact that even with a crap food day, I didn't get a Peanut Butter Special K bar in the afternoon. You don't know how good these are...they are about 2.5 x 2.5 x 1.5 and they stick to the wax paper they are on.
2. Setting up consequences for putting myself down.

 

[Goofydiane]

I'm starting to feel more comfortable writing stuff out, it is something I don't normally do - I'm a dweller and a let it fester, not sure which is worse....to dwell on something until the next thing comes along, or to fester about it and let it lead to frustration, so the thought of using a journal is starting to become the outlet to just get it out and no lnoger dwell or fester. wow, if I can't focus on the negative parts of life, I'm going to have to make some big changes. That's what I'm here for and what I signed up for - I've spent the past two years working on the physical me, and while I'm still working on the physical, I need to get the mental me improved so I can handle the new physical me.

One great thing about my job is I have the ability to telecommute when I want to. My boss knows I'm in dire need of help and he also realizes that I get more done at home than I ever do at the office, so he just says 'go for it'. Part of why I chose to work at home today and yesterday is that my 10 year anniversry with my company passed last week and it wasn't recognized at all - while that isn't the normal way, there are 10 year cards and more importantly a gift card and a party and yet it went unrecognized. Just one more thing to make me wonder if I'm even appreciated. The sad thing is I love my job because no day is the same and it really pulls out my strengths and lets me soar with them. I'm learning to find self-satisfaction with a job well done, but just like any lesson you learn, you don't succeed at it immediately. I've got to stay focused with building a better me.

Today was a great day. I made great food choices all day long, had a great workout and upped the challenge with my trainer. If I go 60 days without missing a cardio workout - he will buy me a massage. I've just got to keep it in my head that I'm in a win-win situation and the person who is going to benefit from this challenge is me. I get 30 days of cardio and I get a free training session - not to mention the healthier body and hopeful weight loss, although I won't know until I get my scale back. At 60 days, I get a free massage - what's not to lose???

Now I just need the support and encouragement to not miss a day!

Things I'm proud of today -
1. Made healthy choices all day long
2. Had a great cardio workout
3. Kept positive all day long!

WooHoo!! tomorrow is Friday!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, you are doing great! I use my journal to get the toxic stuff out of my mind and it really helps. I started out just thinking I would post my food and its actually turned into sort of free therapy! I just hate writing in longhand and this type of journal works very well for me. I think you're going to have great success with yours too!

That is really a bummer they didn't recognize your ten years. Things like that hurt on a lot of levels. Maybe send your co workers an email saying you have been reflective lately since you made your ten years and do they have any input. That is just plain wrong. I am happy for you and if I was nearby would take you to lunch to celebrate!!

You are doing great with your workouts and trainer, excellent job. I am really impressed. You will get that massage for sure.

Being thankful for being positive is just going to make you feel even more positive. Keep up the good work and be proud of yourself, you deserve to be. Have a great weekend!

 

[Goofydiane]

Diane, you are doing great! I use my journal to get the toxic stuff out of my mind and it really helps. I started out just thinking I would post my food and its actually turned into sort of free therapy! I just hate writing in longhand and this type of journal works very well for me. I think you're going to have great success with yours too!
QUOTE]

Thanks Amy! I think that is why I started the journal was to get all the thoughts out and be able to process everything.

I'm an analyst and system manager so I work with numbers or a computer system all day long, I struggle at times when dealing with people. My boss mentioned in my last annual review that he at times thinks that when he is talking to me, that he can see my brain moving just like it did in 'The Matrix'. I only saw the first moving and remember the 1's and 0's going through like a computer program working, he meant it as a good thing, and I did when he said it, but when I thought about it, what he said started to make me feel like he thought I was somewhat robotic. I've never said that before - wow, that makes me wonder now if he meant it the way I took it the first time (as a compliment) or when I started thinking more about it (like devoid of human emotion).

All these years I would chuckle at people who said they journaled, I never understood why people would do that. It's only been about a week, and I so get it now. I'm starting to understand a little bit more about myself and might be ready to move past the introduction into chapter one of the long book.

Today was such a different Friday than I'm used to and I'm proud of myself for making it this way. Usually, I weigh in on Friday morning, but my friend has my scale as part of the give it up for 2 months project, so no weigh in. Then I would always allow myself Friday to be the 'bad food' day. The bad food used to be the whole day when I worked out with my trainer on Thursdays, but we moved to Friday, so now it is only the dinner meal that is the 'bad food' meal. The last few weeks I've been like...well I'm craving nothing, but I give myself permission to eat poorly on Friday, so what do I want and I will always force myself to go and make the bad choices. Well tonight, my bad choice was Mrs. Smiths Caramel Apple Crisp! For a whopping calorie total of 100 calories! I found these at Super Target last week, they are single serving containers that come in a box of two and each serving is 100 calories. I found heaven in a frozen container! That was my bad food choice so I'm so thrilled with myself that I didn't force myself to stop for the bad food just because I gave myself permission to do it. And I stopped at just 1 container. Yeah for me today!!

Day two of the 60 day cardio challenge was a success - I made sure my trainer knew that he was going to lose the challenge and he made sure I knew that even if I don't put myself down during a workout (I didn't at all today), he can still make me run and torture me. Tonight included a cardio circuit that was a an exercise and then a 45 second run on the treadmill at a 15.0 incline and 4.8 mph, this was the whole hour, lunges then running, burpie pushups, then running, step ups, then running and so on and so on....I still want to know how people enjoy running....The incline was what killed me, thank heavens I'm getting a massage tomorrow!

My next challenge will be get through the weekend. Sadly, I'll be working most of the weekend as our fiscal year ends tomorrow, and next week will be so busy, I need to get stuff done - terrible that I have to work on the weekends, but I get more done this way. The last few weeks I've continued to 'bad food' option to a meal on Saturday and a meal on Sunday and that isn't good and that needs to stop immediately. My worst fear is that when I get my scale back, I'm up weight instead of down weight.

Things I'm proud of today:
1. No 'bad food' day!
2. I didn't put myself down once during my workout, and I ran on that stupid treadmill.
3. Another positive day - wow, maybe I should work at home everyday!

 

[Goofydiane]

Not many thoughts from today - my dad so 'no' to going on vacation with me, so I'm back to square one. Again those feelings of not being worth much come into play - he took a trip to with my brother last September and then said 'no' to me now. Both my parents are retired, so it isn't a work thing. My mom also said 'no' to going to Disney this winter. It's weird that even at my age, when they say 'no' to something I go immediately back to.....but you will do it with my sister or brother. They have given them grandchildren and I never did, so maybe that's it. I offer something up, they turn it down and then they wonder why I don't communicate with them more often...it's a no-win situation sometimes.

I'm still noodely - is that even a word? from my massage this afternoon. It was 90 minutes of pure heaven - he saw me working out with my trainer yesterday, and we talked about our workouts and interests for the entire time. I never thought I would be someone who would enjoy massages, but wow....it makes a difference.

I'm now 3 for 3 on the workout challenge, that's 5% of the way to my free massage!

Goal for tomorrow - No junk food during the Super Bowl! I might actually go work out during the football game instead of watching it at home.

 

[Goofydiane]

I can't believe I ended up spending the majority of my weekend working. Something has got to give here...I've been thinking a lot lately about downsizing and minimizing my life, something I will definately do if the housing market ever gets any better.

I did stop working long enough to go get my workout in, but then stopped at Quizno's on the way home for a sub. Wasn't the best food choice for the day. I probably ate back the 1,200 calories I burned at the club.

To look at the positive, it wasn't as bad as other weekends, where every meal is a bad food choice, at least today it was just the 1 meal and other than oatmeal and some rice cakes with a little bit of peanut butter, the Quizno's was the food for the day.

Things that I'm proud of for today:
1. No hip pain when jogging...and I did jog/walk my 3 miles in 43:50 and improvement of 7 seconds over the last time. I then continued to walk for another 55 minutes to end up at over 6 miles. The 5.0 mph isn't as tough as it was when I started, not I just need to work on endurance.

 

[Goofydiane]

What an icky start to the day. I overslept by about 40 minutes (must have something to do with working all weekend!), so I missed my bus and had to drive downtown. The forecast for today is 2"-5" of snow and it is already snowing so going home tonight is going to be terrible.

The good news, I bypassed the cafeteria this morning for a made to order omelet and made oatmeal at my desk and it was very good - well as good as oatmeal can be.

I'm exhausted and just want to crawl back into bed for another 4 hours of sleep!

 

[DisDee]

Hi Diane, What a way to start off your week...yikes! It's sleeting here right now, which was NOT in the forecast. Hope your drive home isn't too awful.

I really like the way you list the things that you're proud of. What a good way to get yourself in a positive state of mind!

Have a really great week! Denise