Can't figure out the right thing to do

[Ladyandthepuppies]

We are a typical middle-class family who loves Disney. I have 2 kids and I'm 32 y/o. I struggle with anxiety. Please bear with me- the Disboards is probably a silly place to ask this soul-searching question, but I would love to hear from other parents who may have been in my shoes.

My husband and I have been debating these past few months if we want to have a 3rd child. I worry a lot about the added stress on our finances, but in my heart, I feel like we're not done having children. I think it's likely we will try to have another child soon.

I booked a trip to Disney for us this Dec, so we can see all the Christmas décor. I will get a bonus from work in July that should cover most of the cost. However... if we do have a baby next year, I will be 100% unpaid during my maternity leave. I do not qualify for STD and my company does not offer any benefits to me. So I am going back and forth debating if it's completely crazy to go to Disney this year when I'm looking at 12 weeks unpaid next year.

We got the confirm booklet in the mail and my oldest saw it, so she knows I've booked this trip. She loves Disney World and asks all the time to go back. My youngest will be 2.5 so he'll be free to get in to the parks and buffets (not free on the plane and he eats enough to need his own meal at QS restaurants.) We're getting ready to make our ADRs and I even bought a membership to touringplans.com but in the back of my mind I'm stressing stressing stressing wondering if I should cancel this trip and save the money.

A part of me feels like life is short and happy memories are priceless, so I want to go for it. And then the conservative part of me feels like it's idiotic to spend $$$ on a trip and not save it for next year when our budget will be much tighter. My husband wants to do whatever makes me happy, but he's suggesting that we should take the trip and then 'we'll figure it out' next year.

Obviously it's a personal decision that depends on so many things but I would really love to hear what others would do / have done in this situation...

 

[Marionnette]

We are a typical middle-class family who loves Disney. I have 2 kids and I'm 32 y/o. I struggle with anxiety. Please bear with me- the Disboards is probably a silly place to ask this soul-searching question, but I would love to hear from other parents who may have been in my shoes.

My husband and I have been debating these past few months if we want to have a 3rd child. I worry a lot about the added stress on our finances, but in my heart, I feel like we're not done having children. I think it's likely we will try to have another child soon.

I booked a trip to Disney for us this Dec, so we can see all the Christmas décor. I will get a bonus from work in July that should cover most of the cost. However... if we do have a baby next year, I will be 100% unpaid during my maternity leave. I do not qualify for STD and my company does not offer any benefits to me. So I am going back and forth debating if it's completely crazy to go to Disney this year when I'm looking at 12 weeks unpaid next year.

We got the confirm booklet in the mail and my oldest saw it, so she knows I've booked this trip. She loves Disney World and asks all the time to go back. My youngest will be 2.5 so he'll be free to get in to the parks and buffets (not free on the plane and he eats enough to need his own meal at QS restaurants.) We're getting ready to make our ADRs and I even bought a membership to touringplans.com but in the back of my mind I'm stressing stressing stressing wondering if I should cancel this trip and save the money.

A part of me feels like life is short and happy memories are priceless, so I want to go for it. And then the conservative part of me feels like it's idiotic to spend $$$ on a trip and not save it for next year when our budget will be much tighter. My husband wants to do whatever makes me happy, but he's suggesting that we should take the trip and then 'we'll figure it out' next year.

Obviously it's a personal decision that depends on so many things but I would really love to hear what others would do / have done in this situation...

Your children deserve a mother who is not stressed out over finances more than they need a trip to Disney World. If just the thought of being in financial straits as a result of taking this trip is just too much to deal with, imagine the added stress that actually having an extremely tight budget would have on you and your family.

I think that you know the "adult" thing to do. Postpone that Disney trip until you are in a position to take the family without worrying about money.

 

[motherof5]

I am a mother of 5. We used to go to Disney (our only vacation) once every other year. We didn't even do beach day trips as all our money was spent into these vacations. This past year we bought Annual pass and went to Disney 3 times. I am less stressed, and we have great memories and we did it so we didn't spend a crazy amount. We stayed off property. Annual pass made it cheaper than going every other year, and we got some free flights on Southwest credit cards. I also started doing swagbucks and use the $25 gift card I get each month to pay for groceries on the trip (we buy food and eat in resort and only go to Disney dining 3 times total) I figured that the children are getting older and now is the time to bond and make those happy memories. If your not in a situation where you can't afford the necessity I say go on vacation. Took me a long time to think this way. We made cuts in other places ( I own a tracfone and don't have a real cell phone, we have basic cable not all the prepaid ones and the money I save doing little things like this helps) . Disney of course is expensive but there are ways to make some cuts. Go less days, stay off property or value resort. I hope you have a great time.

 

[piccolopat]

I don't know anything about your family finances but want to offer this suggestion. You have some time before you might need that 12 weeks of unpaid leave. If you start saving 5-10% of each paycheck starting now, you will have enough to cover you for your leave time. It will also get you into a routine of saving for emergencies and other things. If you think that might work, go on your trip this year and have fun!

 

[katyjeka]

That's a tough one!!! We LOVE WDW and our vacations however as much as we love our trips having a baby is in a class of its own. It is the ultimate blessing. It is also very stressful(as you know)and worrying over money while on leave equals more stress. Could you cut the cost of the trip, maybe shorten it, stay at a less expensive place? Eat less expensive meals. This may allow you to save half of your bonus so that you'll have some money while on leave. Could you or your dh work a little extra before you get pregnant to save a little money now...Sorry, can't be of much help but will tell you we almost stopped after 2 kids but went on to have 4(we call #4 our Disney baby and biggest surprise!!)Can't imagine life without them and all the craziness. Good luck.

 

[Nayan]

My opinions are extremely unpopular here, but honestly don't have another kid and don't go to Disney. If you are that stressed about finances now it will be much, much worse if you do both of these things. The kids you have now are probably already picking up on the stress you feel and taking a short trip to Disney isn't going to change that and adding another kid would not help either. Get your finances in order and deal with the anxiety issues first.

 

[QueenIsabella]

A few thoughts...

First off, if the trip is stressing you out, you really should at least consider cancelling. There will be other trips. As others have said, you might be able to do a less-expensive trip,

Secondly, a new baby is going to add all kinds of costs. Getting in the habit of saving more now, if at all possible, can only help you. Whether that means picking up extra shifts, or eating out less, or whatever--you should be looking at ways to increase your savings.

Third, you have no guarantee that you will get pregnant on the schedule that you wish for. (I understand this can cut both ways, pro and con, for the Disney trip). I have 4 kids--the first was a "how did THIS happen?", the second was planned (and 20 months after #1). Then we have a six-year gap due to secondary infertility. Believe me, nobody is sympathetic to secondary infertility, so it's rarely talked about, but it happens. Then, after #3--DH really, really wanted to try for #4. I had #3 at 39, and after dealing with the infertility, didn't want to get my hopes up. But, I got pregnant on the first try--go figure. I had him at age 42. So, now I have kids who are 22 (23 this month), 21, 15, and 12. This was not my plan, but apparently, it was THE plan.

Fourth, if your anxiety is affecting your quality of life, consider talking to someone about that. I have no idea if you have legitimate money issues or you just overthink and create problems in your own mind. Either way, you would benefit from developing coping skills. If you have stress due to legitimate money issues, then you could use some help with budgeting and spending. If you just freak out (which I also do--I grew up poor, and freely acknowledge that I have money anxiety), then you could use some coping skills to recognize that money isn't the problem. Most importantly, you don't want your issues to become your children's issues. My kids are older, so we talk to them about money a lot. And I tell them that I have issues with it--they have nothing to worry about. We don't live high, but there will always be a roof over their heads and food on the table.

 

[jacknsally19]

QueenIsabella gave you some fantastic advice. I have issues with anxiety and its worth getting medication or coping tools to help. For a long time, I didn't believe I really had an issue.... until I was sitting on our balcony at AKL years ago, obsessively worrying whether everyone was going to have a good time. I mean your brain just can't shut off and it sucks. I'm not sure where you stand but I can say that as someone who has addressed the problem - it helps tremendously.

 

[LadyntheTramp]

I have the opposite opinion...I am in a fairly similar position. We have one kid and one on the way. We are going to have to pay for two in daycare, plus we have some added expenses of a new house. We are planning a trip to Disney anyway. Yes..it is going to stress us a little financially but we need the mental break. We need to get away from work and decompress...are there cheaper ways of doing this sure, but Disney is where we can mentally escape everything. We know it will be tight finically but our mental health and family need to be priorities too. Also, I think you are doing well in thinking about the unknowns but there is no guantee that you are going to have another child next summer. (I don't want to sound mean and I know that is something people struggle with.) Its just if you don't get pregnant are you going to regret not taking this vacation? It is a tough decision either way but this is how I am currently approaching our trip.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

My father told me if you keep thinking about something and/or struggle with a decision, then it’s not right.

 

[VandVsmama]

My thoughts in no particular order:

1. Make a list of pro's and con's for both options: 1 list of pro's & cons for going on the trip and then another list for cancelling the trip.
2. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.
3. "You can afford it," in my opinion, would mean that you've got the $$ saved up to cover the unpaid time off of work for when baby #3 arrives AND you have the $$ saved up to pay for the trip without having to use credit cards for everything.
4. WDW isn't going away. It'll still be there in a couple of years.
5. So your oldest really wants to go. That's ok. Will your kids be disappointed if you have to cancel the trip? Of course they will. Will it be the end of the world? No. Financial security is better than going on a vacation you can't afford.
6. You could get pregnant right away. Or it could take years.
7. Your pregnancy could go just fine. Or you could end up with complications and end up on bed rest and, thus, not getting paid for more time than just the post-birth time period.
8. If you find yourself hamster-wheeling over a bunch of "what if's," then come up with a solid plan for how you & your family would deal with the "what if" situation. Then stop stressing over it.
9. If after doing #8 you still find yourself mentally going through that script/tape in your head that you can't stop (that's the anxiety part), then talk to a mental health professional about it.
10. If you're worrying this much about it, then you probably shouldn't go on the trip. They'll be disappointed. They may announce that they hate you for an afternoon. But they'll get over it and the world will continue turning on its axis and life will go on as usual. Not going on a Disney vacation isn't a tragedy. It'll be ok. Most people never get to go even once. In the meantime, go on some other family trip that's closer and doesn't cost as much. Find another way to create happy family memories where you all get to spend time together doing something fun.

 

[QueenIsabella]

QueenIsabella gave you some fantastic advice. I have issues with anxiety and its worth getting medication or coping tools to help. For a long time, I didn't believe I really had an issue.... until I was sitting on our balcony at AKL years ago, obsessively worrying whether everyone was going to have a good time. I mean your brain just can't shut off and it sucks. I'm not sure where you stand but I can say that as someone who has addressed the problem - it helps tremendously.

Thank you!

I want to go a little OT, but this actually happened yesterday--or, at least, I had the conversation with my DD22 yesterday:

DD22 lives with a roommate, 800 miles away from us. She's finishing her first year as a teacher. Her roommate is in grad school and has a part-time job. DD called, in part, to complain about the roommate. One specific incident she mentioned was, the roommate was going home for the weekend. DD had put dishes in the sink, prior to the roommate leaving. DD is very independent, and of course, she would have dealt with the dishes. The roommate couldn't let the "dishes in the sink" go, to the point where she spent the weekend texting DD, reminding her to put the dishes in the dishwasher. THIS is anxiety. Now, if she'd come home a few days later, to find the dishes still in the sink--she would have had every right to be peeved. But the fact that the roommate was unable to enjoy her weekend with her family, because of dishes in a sink 100 miles away--that's debilitating, and unfortunate.

I bring this up because sometimes it's tough for us to see when general nervousness crosses the line. It's perfectly normal to get anxious when the transmission goes on your car and costs an unexpected $5000 (this actually happened to me last month--I'm still peeved!). It's not normal to obsess about every nickel when you have a good bank balance and a decent job.

 

[MomOTwins]

I notice OP said she would be paying with an expected bonus. So for me, the operative question is, how does a bonus typically fit into your finances? Is it something outside of your annual budget that you treat as money for something like vacation, special Christmas/birthday gifts, or optional home improvements, or some other kind of discretionary spending? Or is the bonus something you factor into your annual budget for everyday expenses, or retirement or college savings? If the former, I would say Disney is as good a use of the bonus as any, as it fits your standard budget. If the latter, I would hesitate to say that the bonus should be diverted to a vacation, but only you can now how important it is for you and your husband to have this vacation.

We went through a similar thought process when I received an unexpected windfall (essentially inheritance) and was going through a rough year and really wanted to spend a portion of it on a disney trip. At the same time, we were anticipating we would need to relocate in the coming year due to job changes, and our budget would be thinner, though not beyond our means. DH and I talked it through and agreed that in the circumstances, the happiness from the disney trip, coupled with the fact that the money was something out of the blue that we were not otherwise counting on for expenses or savings, made the disney trip an appropriate use of the money. We are planning the trip for this August and DH (who is normally the Disney skeptic) has told me how happy he is we made this decision when he thinks of the joy it is bringing me and the kids.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

Thank you so much for all the responses! Lots of good food for thought which is just what I needed. It was really heartwarming to me that so many people gave genuine and caring advice.

I wanted to mention that I do actually go to therapy for my anxiety, and as the previous posters mentioned, it is really helpful in dealing with my issues. Also the worries that I have in regard to our finances + another child are more around the way our lifestyle will change / the cutbacks we would need to make. I would never consider Disney or bringing another child into the world if it meant insecurity about a roof over our heads or food on the table. I thought @QueenIsabella made a good point about legitimate money problems vs overthinking and creating my own problems in my mind. I don't think giving up the luxuries we enjoy should be dismissed as nothing, but I also admit wholeheartedly it's a first world problem I am lucky to have. I think @motherof5 can probably relate- next year I could get rid of our cable or swap my iPhone for a tracfone, those are certainly things that I could see us doing. @MomOTwins was asking how we usually use my bonus... in the past we used it for vacation, but put it in savings the year my son was born to help with the unpaid leave. We do have enough saved to cover 6 months of our expenses. But the thought of using those savings makes me uneasy.

A bunch of people mentioned 'what-if' scenarios that certainly would impact things, but here's my thoughts on that- I might not get pregnant at all or I might get pregnant with triplets right away. My summer bonus might be more than I'm expecting or DH or I could get fired tomorrow. I agree with @VandVsmama that we should make sure we have both the Disney trip and an unpaid maternity leave covered in savings. But like @LadyntheTramp said, our mental health and family quality time counts for something too. I am probably not going to be able to 100% fund 2 kids' college tuitions, does that make it irresponsible for us to have a third? Some might say yes and some might say no. I think the what-ifs will always be out there, but you have to make your plans based on what you believe will happen.

I don't know what will be the right choice for us but I am truly appreciative to all of you for sharing your insights. My DH and I will definitely consider all of the points you guys made as we continue to discuss what to do. And thank you so much for the luck @katyjeka I feel like I need it!

 

[jacknsally19]

Thank you so much for all the responses! Lots of good food for thought which is just what I needed. It was really heartwarming to me that so many people gave genuine and caring advice.

I wanted to mention that I do actually go to therapy for my anxiety, and as the previous posters mentioned, it is really helpful in dealing with my issues. Also the worries that I have in regard to our finances + another child are more around the way our lifestyle will change / the cutbacks we would need to make. I would never consider Disney or bringing another child into the world if it meant insecurity about a roof over our heads or food on the table. I thought @QueenIsabella made a good point about legitimate money problems vs overthinking and creating my own problems in my mind. I don't think giving up the luxuries we enjoy should be dismissed as nothing, but I also admit wholeheartedly it's a first world problem I am lucky to have. I think @motherof5 can probably relate- next year I could get rid of our cable or swap my iPhone for a tracfone, those are certainly things that I could see us doing. @MomOTwins was asking how we usually use my bonus... in the past we used it for vacation, but put it in savings the year my son was born to help with the unpaid leave. We do have enough saved to cover 6 months of our expenses. But the thought of using those savings makes me uneasy.

A bunch of people mentioned 'what-if' scenarios that certainly would impact things, but here's my thoughts on that- I might not get pregnant at all or I might get pregnant with triplets right away. My summer bonus might be more than I'm expecting or DH or I could get fired tomorrow. I agree with @VandVsmama that we should make sure we have both the Disney trip and an unpaid maternity leave covered in savings. But like @LadyntheTramp said, our mental health and family quality time counts for something too. I am probably not going to be able to 100% fund 2 kids' college tuitions, does that make it irresponsible for us to have a third? Some might say yes and some might say no. I think the what-ifs will always be out there, but you have to make your plans based on what you believe will happen.

I don't know what will be the right choice for us but I am truly appreciative to all of you for sharing your insights. My DH and I will definitely consider all of the points you guys made as we continue to discuss what to do. And thank you so much for the luck @katyjeka I feel like I need it!

Good luck and I hope you are at peace with whatever you end up doing

 

[RoyalJayhawk]

Without knowing anything about your family, general philosophy on these types of things is "Go on vacation", because you almost never regret it, and the memories you build with your kids will last a lifetime. I didn't grow up in a wealthy house, but my parents always managed to take us to fun places, and those are some of my favorite memories from growing up.

 

[QueenIsabella]

OP--I'm glad you have someone you can talk this through with, who knows all the gory details of your life, that you might not want to share on the internet! I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for your family.

It IS a big step, going from 2 children to 3--the parents are now out-numbered, and the world (or at least the US) seems designed for families of 4. My #3 was the sweetest, easiest child--still is, at 15--but it's a good thing, because #2 darn near killed me. You could get lucky, or you could get high-maintenance. FTR, #2, who I cried a million tears for, is still my toughest kid.

Just so you know, my own mom always said going from 3 to 4 was the easiest--she said she couldn't possibly get any busier. And my #4 is the light of my life. So, I'd be the last one to discourage you from having a larger family.

 

[Hikergirl]

To me it sounds more like you have decided (in your mind) that you will be having a 3rd child and its more of a decision on whether it is better to cancel your trip or take it. You mentioned that you and your dh have been debating having a 3rd but to me it sounds like your mind is really made up
So, my answer is based on that. I would cancel the trip for this December, maybe find a less expensive vacation option instead
Try to get pregnant, and take your bonus and save it for when you have to take your leave. If you don't end up pregnant, or decide that maybe 2 is all you want, re-book a WDW vacation- the bonus money will be there.
If you do end up having another baby, just plan a future WDW trip for the 5 of you, WDW isn't going anywhere.

 

[luvmy2babies]

If I read your post correctly, you and your husband aren't quite in agreement as to whether to expand your family. Perhaps that isn't the case but it says you have been debating it the past few months. Sounds like you are in agreement about the trip. You are only 32 years-old. I had my last child at 37. Not that I'm saying wait another 4 or 5 years; but if everyone is looking forward to the trip or frankly even if you didn't have a trip planned, I would postpone trying for another baby so that you can save for both the unpaid leave and the costs associated with adding to the family and feel more confident about it. My leave was unpaid with my 2nd (last) child so I know that stress. But there's so much more afterwards.

I hear a lot "Disney will always be there". I read it on here and I heard it from people around me when we went 4 years in a row. But honestly we take chances when we add to our families. You can't fully know how much your life will change. It is best to take some time to prepare; but I don't see why you should cancel the trip, especially if it will be paid without much disruption to the budget. Having a baby will be a big change for everyone so go have fun.

 

[motherof5]

Thank you so much for all the responses! Lots of good food for thought which is just what I needed. It was really heartwarming to me that so many people gave genuine and caring advice.

I wanted to mention that I do actually go to therapy for my anxiety, and as the previous posters mentioned, it is really helpful in dealing with my issues. Also the worries that I have in regard to our finances + another child are more around the way our lifestyle will change / the cutbacks we would need to make. I would never consider Disney or bringing another child into the world if it meant insecurity about a roof over our heads or food on the table. I thought @QueenIsabella made a good point about legitimate money problems vs overthinking and creating my own problems in my mind. I don't think giving up the luxuries we enjoy should be dismissed as nothing, but I also admit wholeheartedly it's a first world problem I am lucky to have. I think @motherof5 can probably relate- next year I could get rid of our cable or swap my iPhone for a tracfone, those are certainly things that I could see us doing. @MomOTwins was asking how we usually use my bonus... in the past we used it for vacation, but put it in savings the year my son was born to help with the unpaid leave. We do have enough saved to cover 6 months of our expenses. But the thought of using those savings makes me uneasy.

A bunch of people mentioned 'what-if' scenarios that certainly would impact things, but here's my thoughts on that- I might not get pregnant at all or I might get pregnant with triplets right away. My summer bonus might be more than I'm expecting or DH or I could get fired tomorrow. I agree with @VandVsmama that we should make sure we have both the Disney trip and an unpaid maternity leave covered in savings. But like @LadyntheTramp said, our mental health and family quality time counts for something too. I am probably not going to be able to 100% fund 2 kids' college tuitions, does that make it irresponsible for us to have a third? Some might say yes and some might say no. I think the what-ifs will always be out there, but you have to make your plans based on what you believe will happen.

I don't know what will be the right choice for us but I am truly appreciative to all of you for sharing your insights. My DH and I will definitely consider all of the points you guys made as we continue to discuss what to do. And thank you so much for the luck @katyjeka I feel like I need it!

I wish you and your family the best. No discussion is every easy, but we do what we feel is best at the time.