Was I wrong to cancel my niece and nephews

[Baloo]

Hmmmmmm I haven't been around a few days and found this "popular" thread tonight!

macs4us...I think you sound like a fantastic Aunt and positively DID THE RIGHT thing!!! You've explained to us your situation with your sister ,her children and the part you play in their life.I don't think what you've done is unfair at all.I understand your reasoning behind it.Wanting your Mom to have a WONDERFUL gift,something she had always talked about doing...you TRIED to do that for her for a special...the Big 6-0... birthday.

One thing that you're going to find when posting situations on an open forum is someone who disagrees with your point of view.
For those of you who are new to the DIS Boards you might want to go over our guidelines...here's the link:

http://www.wdwinfo.com/guidelines.htm

Reading through this entire thread I thought I'd post Guidline # 3 as a reminder to the old and new visiting the Family Boards.

3. NO FIGHTING: Several Internet news groups are marred by the actions of a few selfish people who turn an otherwise positive forum into a soap box for their anger issues. Internet newsgroups are not moderated, and therefore, anything goes. These boards are moderated in an effort to keep the discussions appropriate to the topic at hand. Those who feel they can not abide by these rules are welcome to read the posts on the board, and respond via email to the person who posted the message. Messages that are argumentative or sarcastic in nature will be deleted without discussion.


macs4us...the Firework Cruise is so fun...don't tell!!! That will be a wonderful surprise.I hope y'all have a magical time!!!

 

[macs4us]

I am very excited!!! It's funny, we have been to Yellowstone and the Tetons 5 times, but never to Sequoia which is only 6 hours away. We are camping, and am I hoping to get some good black and white photos for my hall gallery.

christinanapier: Obviously you care very much what others have said in response to your posts, otherwise you would not have posted again to "defend" yourself (just as I have when someone said I didn't care about my niece and nephews). I disagree with your apple and oranges analogy, but accept that no matter what I state to further clarify what exactly happened, you are stuck to the same mantra. I don't see it as "just one trip" nor do you see that this trip was not about changing anyone - it was for my mom. It was hoping they could have a good time. What is I hope a step in the right direction is telling them you didn't follow through, and you have consequences for your own actions (or inactions as the case may be). Oh, and I don't see telling the truth as "bashing my family" - and I never say anything about anyone to others that I haven't said to that person directly first. I really hope you can find a thread where you will find positive things to say and not feel attacked or the need to attack others. This board is very useful in planning trips, and getting different perspectives.

I feel bad that I am the OP of a thread and some of the responses have been nasty - not why I posted in the first place. My apologies to those who have felt uncomfortable. I really appreciate the different questions and points of view that have been presented in a, shall we say, "non-bashing" frame of mind. Since I am not an "official mom" nor a teen anymore, I really wanted to know if I was missing something. Thank you all for the feedback.

Oh - Baloo, you posted while I was posting. Thanks for the good wishes. I have still only told my husband about the MK fireworks cruise, but my mom will be here on the 11th, so I hope I can not spill it!!! At Christmas I flew my mom out on Christmas Eve, and my husband dressed up like Santa and put my mom in a fabric sack. I hid behind a bush and my husband rang my sister's doorbell. My niece and sister answered the door, thought I was in the bag as a joke, and then my mom popped out - it was the best Xmas I could have given them, and I actually didn't spill it beforehand. I am hoping I can find the same will power now, and I find the boards a great way to channel that "disney energy!!"

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

Boo, Not a basher but don't care what you think about me anyway.I don't know you ,you don't know me so don't make "assumptions." I'm not the one bashing my family in this board. I'm not the one questioning my actions either.I never said she should take these kids.Who cares how many times I have posted on this board like it really matters anyway!

You're right, I don't know you and you don't know me- but I wasn't the one making "assumptions". You accused of bashing first. What's the matter? I'm not allowed to state my opinion right back that I think YOU are the only one bashing.
She isn't bashing her family on this board. That's another wrong assumption.
As for how many times you have posted on this board- I only brought it up because you are new and already posting saying others are bashing just because they don't agree with your opinion on something. That's not bashing, it's disagreeing.

Not fighting, just responding to your post.

I still disagree. She had every right to put conditions to a trip SHE was paying for- and she did the right thing by sticking to her guns. If everyone gives in simply because they know they'll return to bad behaviors/etc. after the trip (or whatever is offered as a "prize" for behaving properly/etc) -then WHEN will they EVER learn consequences for their behavior, responsibility, earn your rewards, etc? I really do NOT understand your way of thinking and I never will. And I won't raise my children that way either. I will not say you can have this if you do this- then give in and give it to them anyway when they DON'T do it- just because they might return to the same behavior after the trip anyway. Makes no sense to me. Sorry, it's never going to.

 

[twinmomplus2]

It is always easier to say yes. It is harder to stick to having said no. That being said. I had the same thought about your other neice that a prior poster had expressed. If she is working for the treat? What does it teach her, If they go despite all this extra stuff???????It seems to me it would be teaching her her hardwork and effort was not valued. I would not take the others but, Be more inclined to say...so and so is going ...because.... Maybe next year we can try this again with you. If.... true its Kind of the golden handshake, your taking it back but, they may recoup it later> good Luck!

 

[kessieann]

I think you have done absolutely the right thing. You made the offer, you placed the condtions they decided they did not want it bad enough. We are constantly trying to teach our 5 year old about choices and consequences. Follow-thru is one of the MOST important things we can do to help our dd learn responsibility.

She is also saving up to have her own spending money and she is so very proud of herself. Trust me she has a hard time when she sees a new Barbie but we talk about it and she makes her spending choices. Sometimes the choices are good sometimes not but they are her choices and she realizes they come with consequences. She has had her own lemonade sale, put out her own little table at our rummage sale and pulled weeds from grandma's garden.

It is too bad that your niece and nephews cannot see beyond the trip to just know the satisfaction of a job well done but alas you cannot make them see the light when your opportunities are limited. I do think that it will be the trip of a lifetime for the 11 year old making your "surprises" for her even that much more fun and special. Our big surprise is taking dd to the Princess breakfast which will make her so happy and it will be on her birthday. I am so thrilled to think about the look on her face. I think your MK fireworks surpise sounds awesome!

Just think, you will be well on your way to knowing what your standards and expectations are if you and dh do have kids in the future. A painful lesson of tough love learned for you, but life experience is sometimes the best thing when raising kids. I know all to well the pain that family members can put you through. Don't for one second blame yourself for a situation that you did not create. It is never to late to teach a lesson of responsibility and they are better off for it. THEY made their choices! You are a great auntie-have a really super time and leave all this behind when you go.

 

[dsnycrzy]

MACS4US I need your power. My daughter has been acting up in school so bad and I have threatned to not take to WDW but I know I wouldn't do that and she knows it too.The teacher calls here 3-4 times a week, detentions everyday-sometimes more then 2 or 3, suspended for loitering and then had to be escorted everywhere. If it was just our little family, me, her 10, my son 7 and my baby girl turning1, then I'd leave her here with her god mom. But it's really hard being I'm taking all her cousins, her aunts AND HER BEST FRIEND, so this time I feel beat and cheated. I sure wish I had your guns Macs4us b/c I'd use them.

My sisters kids are almost as bad (only b/c they are not old enough to stay out all night) but they can be horrible, they don't fight there mother but they will fight one another as to the death and to add to that she(my sister) will start beating them and calling them bad names right in front of people.
I hope they don't get to FL and embarrass me b/c you won't see me posting about taking them anymore.


you did the right thing, I agree that they would have been horrible in WDW they are not used to being controlled and taught respect and manners, you would have had a bad taste in your mouth about them after that. Hopefully they will grow up some over a years time and you can try again.

 

[wdwobsessed]

macs4us

Another big "way to go" for you! I think you will see that most of us agree with you. There will always be those who won't and don't let them upset you.

Without getting into too much detail. I have a very selfish family member with children that she also uses as pawns. She is the type of mother that does not want her kids to have something if she does not have it. I can see her pulling the same type of crap with me as far as getting mad because I followed through with what I said.

I think you laid down guide lines ... they agreed to it and did not follow through with it. Lesson learned.

No, you can't change them. BUT - you can set a good example for them and teach them about consequences.

At the very least they now know that you are not a pushover.

wdwo

 

[Karel]

Originally posted by christinanapier
Ok now mind frame of of 11 yr. old girl "Heah I do everything I'm supposed to and working my butt off and they my cousins get a free ride if they keep up with a bargain,where's mine!!!!!!!!
Feel bad for the 11 yr. old!

Why? Life is like that sometimes and now the 11 year old has come out on top - she's going on the trip and learned some valuable lessons too. Remember, she was the one who asked for the trip in the first place. She had her bargain - to keep up her grades and raise money to pay for part of her trip and she kept that bargain. The others didn't. And selective teen hearing is just an excuse - even my 12 year old understands that he has to do work before he gets to play.

 

[Karel]

Originally posted by dsnycrzy
MACS4US I need your power. My daughter has been acting up in school so bad and I have threatned to not take to WDW but I know I wouldn't do that and she knows it too.The teacher calls here 3-4 times a week, detentions everyday-sometimes more then 2 or 3, suspended for loitering and then had to be escorted everywhere.

OK, at least you recognize that fact, so don't use that anymore as 'motivation to behave' because obviously, you all know it's not going to work. Also, if she's 10, taking away the trip may not be an immediate enough threat - it's off in the future and has no meaning on today's 'fun'.

 

[bridgettesmom]

DO NOT TAKE THEM !! My husband and I spoil our oldest niece and nephew rotten. They travel with us often,but, they know we have rules.They are 9 and 11 and they know we take them ,because, they deserve it,not because they have a right to go.They know they have to work hard and get good grades,otherwise they are not going.This year I have given them another task ,they each have to save $100 and with that money they will pay for tolls and certain tips.I told them this last april.So far my niece has saved $54 and my nephew $40.Keep in mind they are only 9 and 11.If anything you have to teach you niece and nephews a very important life lesson...You have to work very hard in life to get the things you want.If your sister stops talking to you,that's her problem.Thank God she has you in her life to teach her children what's right.

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

I agree that with some children, especially younger ones, a trip might be too far away for them to remember that NOW and behave for that as a reward.

 

[lexiluke]

Dsny Crzy:

I know this is a little off subject, but I just had to reply to your post. A good friend of mine had a daughter who was out of control at school. One day she met her daughter at the bus stop to "go to school with her". The girl was horrified! Mom sat in class with her all day, making sure she did her work. She "played" with her at recess! At the end of the day she asked her daughter if she needed to be there again tomorrow - daughter said NO! There have been no more problems.

Just a thought!

 

[cpl100]

As the mother of two teens (and who has 'helped out' with two nieces and a nephew before mine were born), I must say that I certainly would stick to the terms of the agreement you made. In essence, you gave your word that if they upheld their end of the bargain, so would you. If you go back on that, what is your word worth to them in the future? I personally feel that the goal of a parent and/or adult role model of any child is to raise a person fully functioning in society. This includes being able to live within the 'rules' of society well enough to support oneself and be a benefit to others. To that end I have ensured that my children have absolutely no doubt that every action/inaction has a natural consequence (best to think of that before taking said action) and that every greater privilege (bestowed with increasing maturity) comes with a greater responsibility. The greater responsiblity may prove to be too much if bestowed too early, in which case the corresponding privilege is also 'too much' at that time and removed until it can be tested again in the future. Sometimes a young or immature child can be totally shocked at the natural consequence of their actions. I am reminded of a time when my youngest was upset with the oldest and bashed him quite forcefully. He didn't realize his strength, had intended to display his mood, but not really make his brother cry in pain. He said he was sorry. He said he didn't mean for that to happen. He cried in dismay about what he'd done. I pointed out to him that I was certainly glad he was sorry and expected him to be. And I certainly hoped he had not meant to hurt his brother. However, that didn't change his brother's pain. My analogy to him was that someday he would drive a car. If he did not pay attention and follow the 'rules', he could accidentally kill someone. In that case, I know he would be sorry and certainly would not have meant that result. It also wouldn't mean the person wasn't dead because of his action. He was fairly young at the time and has never forgotten it.

It is hard to stand firm and say no when you want to say yes. It is difficult to do what is 'good and right' for them rather than what feels good at the time. I don't think any child has benefited by realizing that an adult does not mean exactly what they say when it comes to rules and consequences. It sounds to me that those children need that lesson and, more than that, they need you to be strong about it because, for whatever reason, they are not getting the lesson at home. How difficult the world will be for them when they are out on their own without the tools best learned in their childhood.

I know it is sad and disappointing that your trip has not turned out to be the wonderful family outing you'd planned. They are upset with you (natural consequence) and you are upset, too. You have lost some money, too. Try to take comfort in the fact that you are giving them something (bought and paid for with your lost funds!) they need more now than the trip - a good, loving role model who is willing to help them work to better themselves. You know it now and they will realize it someday.

 

[cpl100]

Originally posted by lexiluke
Dsny Crzy:

I know this is a little off subject, but I just had to reply to your post. A good friend of mine had a daughter who was out of control at school. One day she met her daughter at the bus stop to "go to school with her". The girl was horrified! Mom sat in class with her all day, making sure she did her work. She "played" with her at recess! At the end of the day she asked her daughter if she needed to be there again tomorrow - daughter said NO! There have been no more problems.

Just a thought!

I remember when my brother had about two months or less of high school and suddenly decided that he didn't want to finish. I recall my Dad saying to him that he was going to graduate even if he had to go and attend class every day with him. Brother found that was enough incentive to wrap it up himself! Thanks for the memory.

 

[dsnycrzy]

Hi all,
Replying to lexiluke and cpl100
I don't think that would bother her because her friends think I'm cool (I guess b/c I look so young). I thought going to class would embarrass her (as it did to your friends DD and would have done to cpl100's DB). And if all else failed, I had to spank her 3 TIMES in the hallway in ears length of the class. HELLO ANY NORMAL CHILD WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ANGEL AFTER THAT CRUSH OF EGO,but not her the very next day the same behavior. I noticed her friends treat her like a darn queen or something. I keep telling her to use that "power " or whatever it is for the good. Keep your friends in line. Be good and tell them to be good in class following you. Not acting up and having everyone driving the teacher crazy.

I keep telling myself those leadership skills will get her a great career as with her honor roll grades, it's just her careless actions I'm afraid will get her in jail 1st.
Her dad, my DH, genius, wrong crowd got him 25 to life sentence, such a waste.

 

[cpl100]

dznycrzy, I would be worried with that history and behavior too. I wish you much patience and very good luck.