unbelievable invite - asked to fund a Disney trip for a relative

[bumbershoot]

It specifically says "gifts are not necessary." That's the instruction for you.

I have sometimes gone to a celebration where the guideline was "gifts are not necessary" but where I WANTED to give a gift. I appreciated any clues as to what type of gift I could buy that would be a winner.

You don't want to buy a gift. Gifts aren't necessary. No problem.

Don't let help for those who WANT to bring a gift make you crazy.

Yep, I'd choose to take it that way.


I ended up registering in two different places for our wedding, despite being philosophically (at that time) anti-registries, because it was EASIER than trying to convince people that we didn't need/want presents. NO one was listening to the no presents thing, and they were absolutely offended to think that they would not get us presents. So...I registered.

And to the people who had NOT been part of the pre-registry nonsense, perhaps I became one of the evil registry people (though I did not take the cards the registry places give you, didn't include it in my invitation, and only mentioned it to people who asked)...those people wouldn't know the background.


So, true or not, just take it as though she's trying to help people who WANT to bring a present. You'll feel better about it, no matter what you do.

 

[msmayor]

there's gotta be a way to put in there that you would prefer a gift card or monetary gift without sounding tacky.
Having a dinner party without paying for it is a little tacky. But sometimes people just don't want more stuff.

No, there isn't. Its never proper to say in an invitation what type of gift you prefer.

 

[ShannonMB]

Yep, I'd choose to take it that way.


I ended up registering in two different places for our wedding, despite being philosophically (at that time) anti-registries, because it was EASIER than trying to convince people that we didn't need/want presents. NO one was listening to the no presents thing, and they were absolutely offended to think that they would not get us presents. So...I registered.

And to the people who had NOT been part of the pre-registry nonsense, perhaps I became one of the evil registry people (though I did not take the cards the registry places give you, didn't include it in my invitation, and only mentioned it to people who asked)...those people wouldn't know the background.


So, true or not, just take it as though she's trying to help people who WANT to bring a present. You'll feel better about it, no matter what you do.

I agree, and I would take it that way, too. Maybe they worded it was a little awkwardly, but they did make it clear that gifts weren't necessary, but "if you DO want to give me a gift, this is what would mean the most to me". I really don't see much wrong with that.

Speaking of the registry thing, how is this much different? You go to a store and make a list of exactly what you want to get, and people are more or less expected to buy you something off that list.

I also don't think it has anything to do with paying for your own meal. In my family, we always all go out to eat at the birthday person's choice of restaurant, and then we all pitch in to pay for the birthday boy/girl's meal. I usually like to give a small gift, too, and if I knew the person wanted Disney gift cards, that is what they would get instead of one more basket of smelly lotions or one more neck tie. Of course this is our custom with 8-10 of us close relatives, so it may be different if it were my cousin who I see once every 2 years. Just my thoughts.

 

[Belle5]

Last summer my niece had a bridal shower and sent me an invitation with my gift picked out. My SIL was mortified, when I told my niece what I thought of this she said she had each guest assigned to a room (mine was kitchen) and knew specifically what she wanted. She tried to match gift to income level of guest.

We have a winner! This is the worst thing I have ever heard! I have been reading it to my family and everyone is just cracking up with disbelief! What an unbelievable sense of entitlement!

 

[FoundMyPrince]

Just wanted to vent and see if you all think this is as greedy as it felt to me. My cousin, who is turning 37, is having a birthday party for herself and her mother at a local chain restaurant. Her mother lives out of town so it would be nice to see her. This is a pay-for-your-own-meal situation where they are reserving a portion of the restaurant for the party. I am perfectly okay with that. However, the invitation says "gifts are not necessary. (cousin's name) would like to go to Disney again so (cousin's name) would like to have Disney or Universal gift cards. What?! Did I read that right?.....Yes, I did read that right! Okay. Seriously, my reactions were:
1) You are turning 37, not 9.
2) I am paying for my own meal and to see my family and aunt. What are you paying for?
3) Because of #2, you are not paying for anything and asking me to give you money so you can go to Disney. How about I keep my money and buy myself a Disney gift card?

Am I overreacting? I may go and bring birthday cards for my aunt and cousin but that's it.

Wow. Just WOW! I really cannot believe some of the invitations people get on the Dis. I think now I've heard it all - talk about tacky. Or, perhaps I'm wrong and need to throw myself a party for no apparent reason and request Disney gift cards.

 

[dizkids]

SO the OP has to bring 2 gifts ..one for the aunt and one for the 37 year old child cousin??

Ok well i get that a party can be for two people. BUT come and pay your way for our party IS DOWNRIGHT RUDE!!!! Who does that????? I understand a previous poster mentioned she does that with the friends but thats all by arrangement. They all do it and thats a great arrangement to have between friends. But this is not the case. Maybe OP you should start getting our your next birthday invites to your next disney vacation...pick your favorite restaurant and hand deliver your cousin her invite to PAY for you party and your next trip.

 

[shellyfive]

It IS tacky for someone to throw a party and expect you to buy the food, unless it was a pre-arranged group getting together. If you want to go and see your aunt go---I wouldn't bring any cards or anything, just my smile

 

[Momto4boys]

I would be inclined not to go but I would so I can see the people I want to. I agree with the card and nothing else.

The no gifts talk gets me wondering though. We're having very small cake and ice cream parties for my 2 boys in July..separate parties with just a few friends. I was going to specify no gifts because I really just want it to be a big playdate kind of thing and not deal with loot bags and such. We have 5 boys and we live in a small house. I really don't want to have to deal with any more toys when all they play with is the hockey stuff and video games. Should I not bother with putting no gifts on the invitations? They will be 5 and 7

 

[samanthacatangel]

there's gotta be a way to put in there that you would prefer a gift card or monetary gift without sounding tacky.
Having a dinner party without paying for it is a little tacky. But sometimes people just don't want more stuff.

Ummm, no. There is no way to put it in without sounding tacky. Asking for a specific gift for your 37th birthday on an invite is ridiculous. Anyway, if you can't afford to go to Disney without begging others to help, you really shouldn't go, but that is another topic.

OP, I would go if I really wanted to see my relatives, and a simple card would be sufficient and appropriate.

I personally find the invite to a "pay for your own plate" tacky as well. If you have limited funds, throw a potluck and enjoy each other's company.

 

[UCFALUM]

Wow! Once DS turned 10 birthday invitations included this line: No gifts please. He was fine with that. DD turns 10 this year and knows that there will be the no gifts clause added to her birthday invites. She also gets it. Having a party and being with her friends IS the gift and inviting someone to a party means that you are hosting, which means you are paying! Unless it is a grownups potluck get-together.
I can't imagine a 37 year old woman expecting paying guests to also bring gifts
I do have a tacky party story though. Friends of our had a big bash at their house to celebrate the husband making colonel and taking command of a group. As it turned out, their military friends were invited to the ceremony and to the party at their home. Neighborhood friends (I believe 12 couples) were invited to the party and asked to sign up for a food item such as dessert, pasta salad etc. We were told to arrange for babysitters and to leave all food items when we left as she would happily bring our dishes back to us the next day. We were also asked to arrive early and help with setting up chairs and tables etc. She purchased pulled bbq and buns and drinks. We were all okay with this until at the party her military friends arrived empty handed with the exception of kids. They all brought their kids (who were about the same age as all of ours) and they raved and raved about how much work she put into the food and preparations for the party. That was when we (the neighbors and I) realized that we had not been invited to a party but asked to quietly co-host the party! Of course we had all brought wine and other gifts, and those were also used at the party. Sorta left a bad taste in everyone's mouths, literally

That is nuts!!!! Esp. since the tradition when people make rank is to take the whole months pay increase and use it to fund the Promotion party. And if he was making Colonel-full bird Colonel- that was his 6th promotion and should know better. Ekkkkk!!!

 

[tomthebarncat]

Do people not know better? I recieved a wedding invitation a few years ago, with detailed gift information, as the bride knew I would not be attending as I live so far away. I was beyond floored at the rudeness of the bride, especially since I don't know her. I live in Germany and clearly would not be attending a wedding in the states, so I was supposed to send a monetary gift that would be equal to the cost of travel, etc. I called my mom, who told me this was a old friends kid, and that she also recieved an invitation. I sent a note back including her invitation asking her is she was having a wedding or a fundraiser? My mom did the same and then called her old friend, who was mortified that her bridezilla had done this!

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

there's gotta be a way to put in there that you would prefer a gift card or monetary gift without sounding tacky.
Having a dinner party without paying for it is a little tacky. But sometimes people just don't want more stuff.

No, it is always tacky to ask for cash (or cash-equivalents). One would assume that, if you were inviting someone to a party, they would know you well enough to know what you might or might not need.

My MIL is such a person--she's pushing 80 and is worth millions. For gifts, I give her things like: nice photos of the grandkids, a small package of her favorite chocolates, any item she's said she likes, but is too cheap to actually purchase, or something for her cat. She really doesn't "need" anything, and doesn't like clutter.

 

[ssawka]

Probably the tackiest thing I've seen: DD has Down syndrome and we are active involved with our local support group (DW is on the board) Anyway, this guy asked the board if he could post on the group's listserve to advertise for a fund raiser, but get this. The fund raiser was for himself to pay medical bills for his DS. Now don't get me wrong, I can totally understand having a fund raiser for someone who is down on their luck, but get a friend or someone else to sponsor/host it. Especially if you are going to ask a group of families that are also struggling with medical issues.

In regards to the OP, just go and skip the gift. I really think it is rude to ask for a specific gift. I'm not even a big fan of gift registries, although we used one when we got married. If you get something that you don't like or get duplicates of, just take it back and get something you want. In that regard, I also think as a gift giver you should include the gift receipt with the present (if the merchant gives them), or at least let the recipient know where you purchased the gift from in case they "need" to take it back.

Anyway, go and don't worry about the gift! Just go and have a good time!

Families! Can't live with them! End of story!

 

[ssawka]

No, it is always tacky to ask for cash (or cash-equivalents). One would assume that, if you were inviting someone to a party, they would know you well enough to know what you might or might not need.

My MIL is such a person--she's pushing 80 and is worth millions. For gifts, I give her things like: nice photos of the grandkids, a small package of her favorite chocolates, any item she's said she likes, but is too cheap to actually purchase, or something for her cat. She really doesn't "need" anything, and doesn't like clutter.

In most cases, ITA. However, weddings are the exception. I'm not saying you should ask for money if you are getting married, but if you are attending a wedding you should always give cash, unless it is an older couple that is already well established. For a young couple just starting out, cash is what they need. When DW and I got married, we had quite a few guests give us such useless $#!%, and most of it was from my in-laws "rich" friends. Most of the guests gave money which we were so grateful for because we were saving for a downpayment on a house. Where I come from, you give gifts for showers and cash at the wedding.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Just wanted to vent and see if you all think this is as greedy as it felt to me. My cousin, who is turning 37, is having a birthday party for herself and her mother at a local chain restaurant. Her mother lives out of town so it would be nice to see her. This is a pay-for-your-own-meal situation where they are reserving a portion of the restaurant for the party. I am perfectly okay with that. However, the invitation says "gifts are not necessary. (cousin's name) would like to go to Disney again so (cousin's name) would like to have Disney or Universal gift cards. What?! Did I read that right?.....Yes, I did read that right! Okay. Seriously, my reactions were:
1) You are turning 37, not 9.
2) I am paying for my own meal and to see my family and aunt. What are you paying for?
3) Because of #2, you are not paying for anything and asking me to give you money so you can go to Disney. How about I keep my money and buy myself a Disney gift card?

Am I overreacting? I may go and bring birthday cards for my aunt and cousin but that's it.

Creative, I guess. Personally I would NOT be attending, but thats just me

 

[VAN]

It's family ... can't live with them, can't live without them.

Agree it is tacky, but think you should take the high road. A birthday card and best wishes!

I also give cash for gifts unless it is a little one who likes to open gifts/toys. Otherwise, once my nieces/nephews get to a certain age, it is a set cash amount. Wedding showers, I appreciate the bride having a registry so I can buy something they want and don't have to take back. Graduations and weddings ... cash.

We also got a lot of crap for our wedding ... if anyone had asked though, I told them we needed some larger items (washer, dryer, furniture) so cash would be appreciated. Again, only if we were asked what we wanted/needed. Most close family knew this and we got enough to buy tables and the wash/dryer. Thought of all those lovely people each time I did the laundry at home rather than going to the laundrymat!!!

 

[eliza61]

We have a winner! This is the worst thing I have ever heard! I have been reading it to my family and everyone is just cracking up with disbelief! What an unbelievable sense of entitlement!

Please, girlfriend asked for a kitchen aid mixer ($300) and when I told her she must have lost her mind, because I don't own one, she said she thought Uncle Mike (my dh) and I could afford one since we gave her a nice monetary gift for her graduation.

She got married 2 months ago in April. I gave her an american express gift card for 75 bucks.

I love my family, I love my family, I love my family.

 

[dd50]

I think what I find more offensive is being invited to a party and having to pay for my own food.

You want to have a party for a birthday but don't have money for a restaurant? Then don't plan it there. Don't want to have dinner at home? Fine...then just invite people over for coffee and cake.

I totally agree.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

In most cases, ITA. However, weddings are the exception. I'm not saying you should ask for money if you are getting married, but if you are attending a wedding you should always give cash, unless it is an older couple that is already well established. For a young couple just starting out, cash is what they need. When DW and I got married, we had quite a few guests give us such useless $#!%, and most of it was from my in-laws "rich" friends. Most of the guests gave money which we were so grateful for because we were saving for a downpayment on a house. Where I come from, you give gifts for showers and cash at the wedding.

I think you misunderstood--there's absolutely nothing wrong with giving cash or gift cards. To anyone, for any occassion, especially a wedding for young people. The issue is ASKING for cash and gift cards. That's never okay.

 

[ssawka]

I think you misunderstood--there's absolutely nothing wrong with giving cash or gift cards. To anyone, for any occassion, especially a wedding for young people. The issue is ASKING for cash and gift cards. That's never okay.

Sorry, I think I was just rambling, but since it was kind of related, I left it.