Chapter Twenty Seven: Lost Disney
In many ways, this trip was a successful failure.
Very little of what I planned actually went down the way I scripted it out from the confines of my poorly ventilated office so many months ago. So many of the scenes I imagined just never materialized.
And yet, there were many other things that happened which I didnt anticipate. Some bad. Some good. Who knew wed spend a long dark night in the emergency room? Who knew my daughter would love Soren Lorenson as much as her dad?
You know Who. Knew.
One of my favorite movies is Apollo 13. When it came out in the theaters I saw it multiple times. And when it was released on VHS, I bought the tape and watched it over and over and over again. It spoke to some part of me. The part that dreams of doing something big and significant. I also like Rudy, Miracle and Remember the Titansfor similar reasons.
Great victories and big dreams require big sacrifices and great losses.
Jim Lovells dream was to walk on the moon. Before April 11, 1970, hed spent the better part of his adult life training for the moment when he would walk on the moons surface. Theres a gripping moment in the film, shortly after the oxygen tank explosion, when Lovell realizes that NASAs order to shut down the valves to the fuel cells effectively means theyre not landing on the moon after all.
We just lost the moon, he says.
Its such an oddly flat statement that masks the gut wrenching disappointment of a man whose life built to one moment. Now that moment would never be realized.
Lost Moon was the original title of Lovells book. It wasnt until after the success of the movie that the book was renamed. I mention it only because it occurs to me that that moment was obviously significant to Jim Lovell. Hed lost the opportunity to do the very thing his life had been built for. Or so he thought anyway.
Theres a companion moment later in the film when the three astronauts are whipping around the back side of the moon and Lovell dreams about what it would have felt like to step foot on the moons surface. And then he thinks about his wife and how much he wants to get home to her.
And so his dream changed. His goal now: return to his family.
In that moment he remembered that being with his wife and kids, being home, was more important than his lifes goal of walking on the moon.
Maybe you see where Im going with this. After we lost Samuel in mid-March, my thoughts were focused, overly focused in fact, on getting my family on the perfect vacation in Disney World. Looking back, it occurs to me that I was so fixated on this idea that I had deluded myself into believing that there actually was such a thing as the perfect vacation. And that if we could just get past the arch and into our room at the Wilderness Lodge, then all things would be better.
Writing that out just now, I am mugged by how facile and immature that thought was.
I didnt realize how much confidence I had placed in Walt Disney World. Turns out a vacation to Disney World cant bring back your son. And it cant heal deep wounds. And it really cant do any of the other things I was unwittingly expecting it to deliver.
Its a place to enjoy your family. To ride some great rides. To see some great shows. To eat some fun foods. To rush hither and yon. To take an unplanned nap. To revisit your childhood memories and to make new ones with your children.
It is nothing more.
I didnt realize how much I invested in this vacation until after wed spent a night in the emergency room. Until after wed been at Disney World for a few days. I reckon people think our grief is silly. Overwrought. Especially now that our baby girl has been born and shes healthy.
But our baby girl does not replace Samuel.
Were so very grateful to God that He blessed us with our sweet baby girl. She's beautiful and wonderful and healthy in every way. But we havent forgotten the little boy we said goodbye to before we even said hello.
This Trip Report, this journal of a long weeks vacation in Disney World, is my memorial for him. No he's not looking at it. But I am. It's my way of saying nobody replaces Samuel. Its my way of saying goodbye to my boy. His life was not insignificant just because he wasn't born. I don't know, maybe it creeps people out or even brings them down. But frankly, I don't care. I know that's selfish, but right now for this time in my life, I don't care what people think.
I miss him. And that's strange to miss a child you never knew, but we do. We both feel a genuine sense of loss and grief. There was a moment one day walking down Mainstreet when I thought about who wasn't there with us, who would never be there with us. There was another moment Christmas morning, as we sat on the floor opening the bounty of presents under the tree. I looked up at the lights and thought about my son who would have been celebrating his first Christmas. If only. I choked on the tears I felt stupid for shedding. I didn't think I had any business being sad. Not with all we'd been blessed with. Not with the healthy baby then growing inside my wife.
We never really got to mourn Samuel. When he died, we were forced to respond to the shock of the loss. But at the time it was all about making immediate decisions. And then it was over. And we were back to the daily grind of a life filled with work and chores, activity and dates. Dinner. The checkbook. The yard. The car. Trivial things needing attention.
I think people expect that since we're Christians and we allege we'll see Samuel in Heaven that we have no business being sad. And while it's true we expect to see him when we finally get home, that doesn't replace the sadness we feel for not having his companionship during our years on this earth. I don't know why Christians think we're not supposed to be sad when someone dies. Of course we are. Yes, we have hope because we know we'll see our departed loved ones again, but it will be many years before we're reunited. We are wise to remember how Jesus responded when Lazarus died. He wept. And He knew He'd see Lazarus again.
I was reminded of that truth this year. More than once. Anyway, wriiting this Trip Report has allowed me to mourn. To say goodbye. And also to remember from Whom my healing comes.
That a week in Disney World wasn't panacea became obvious to me when we were leaving our room at the Lodge. For the first time in my life, I wasnt sad to be leaving Disney World. I was relieved. I was ready to go home.
Not that I was ready to leave Disney World necessarily, but I understood then that although our son wouldnt be born and our trip to Disney World wasnt perfect, our lives were about bigger and more important things. Id hadnt lost the moon after all. My wife was healthy, my daughter was healthy, I was healthy and we had a healthy baby on the way. In all of the despair, God had not left us or forsaken us. His word was true. His rod and staff comforted us. Wed go on.
Thats not to say were done with Disney World. May it never be! But I no longer think about our vacation as a healing balm. It isnt. It cant be. Its a respite. A break. A time together. It is both fun and maddening. Restful and demanding. Its just like the other 50 weeks of the year. But with Tonga Toast, Food courts, parades and fireworks. And yes, even humidity. Writing about our trip, Ive been able to relive the experience but with the perspective distance gives you. Im able to realize and appreciate the fullness of the experience. Not just the sugar coated vignettes we remember as we regale our co-workers or neighbors. The reason I love Disney World so much is because it feels like home to me, or hadnt I told you that already? And I like being home with my wife and daughter. Daughters. Both here in our actual home and there in Disney World, my childhood home. I enjoy time with my girls. I think I was prepared for fatherhood to be a rewarding experience. I had no idea how much fun it would be. Our oldest daughter is quite witty. Shes also very sweet. She has a good bit of her Mamma in her. Were just now starting to get a sense of the babys personality. She has the most infectious smile. And eyes so big and expressive you want to turn off the world and just stare into them. Its a joy getting to know your children.
So as I finish this chapter in my life and I stare into the next one, I understand now that in our lives, we wont achieve perfection. Its funny that it took me 39 years to own that. It occurs to me that until now I actually believed that if I worked hard enough, if I thought about it long enough, if I planned it out correctly, the road would even out for us. Bad things wouldnt happen.
But bad things will happen.
Both here and on vacation.
Its a certainty.
And knowing that, knowing it cant be avoided, actually makes it easier.
I understand now that vacation is not an escape from reality. Its an extension of it. We didnt leave our problems home when we boarded that flight for Orlando. They were with us. And they were with us in the Wilderness Lodge, at Chef Mickeys, on the PeopleMover, on Space Mountain and even on Soren Lorenson.
Im not saying we walked around feeling sad and worried. We didnt. Sure there were times when we were acutely aware of what had happened and what might be happening again. But it wasnt like we were carrying that around in our backpack next to the Pop Tarts and Advil.
So if Disney World is no longer an escape for us, what is it?
Its the place we love to go. The place where we relax and rest, and yes, even race to the next thing. My best childhood memories are there. Some of my best memories of my wife are there. And I reckon my daughters best childhood memories will be there, too. If perfection cant be achieved here on Earth, we come the closest to it at Disney World.
Because they have Tonga Toast.
I dont know what God has in store for me and my family in this next year. But whatever joys were allowed to experience and whatever sorrows we have to grow through, we know this: God will be with us. Well go on. And we know this, too: He has instilled in us a love for each other and a love for the times we spend together in Disney World. This wasnt our last trip after all. Im no longer a 12 year old boy whose world just got torn asunder. I dont have to stare at dusty images in a book and long for a time that got ripped away from me too soon. I have the assurance and hope for my tomorrow. Well go on.
And well go back.
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Why do I think you're not kidding here?
Thank you for posting a picture of that lovely place! 
Thanks for making me sound inspired to the Tag Fairy!
