My DD was invited to a Slumber Party and.....

[Toot Sweet]

I say let her go. It's not like you don't have their name and address, not like you don't know where they live. When you RSVP, tell the mom you are a little uncomfortable because you haven't met yet, and maybe just talk to her a little. When you drop her off at the party, let the parents know you would like your daughter to call you at a specific time so you can check on her. Or maybe talk to the teacher before hand and ask her what she thinks. I think it would be a shame to make your daughter miss out on something fun like that because you are worried.

 

[KAMLEM]

Could you invite the family over for dinner before the slumber party, get to know the family?

Sorry, but if I invited a kid to a slumber party and the family wanted MY family to come over there for dinner first I'd say forget it. I can't see that happening.

I don't get this one!! It's not OK for your child to sleep over at their house because you don't know the parents but it would be OK for that child to sleep over at your house, which I'm assuming means those parents don't know you either! Therefore, why should they let their kid sleep over at your house anymore than you will let your kid sleep at their house.

I *always* see that suggestion all the time on sleep-overs. It seems it's only a 1 way street and it baffles me, why it would be OK one way but not the other.

I don't see what's so baffling. A lot of people are not as strict and they would let their kids stay without getting to know the other parents.

I agree with everyone who says just pick her up at 11:00. If she doesn't want to do that she doesn't go and if she throws a fit when you go to pick her up there are consequences.

 

[karenos]

I would talk to the teacher, this is a great idea and maybe phone and talk to the parent of the child also

I am not trying to cause controversy, but in my school district, teachers can not speak of other children to parents for privacy issues. I'm also lucky that I know most of my children's friends parents (now - I am sure as they get older this could change.)

So.... I would also vote for pick up at 10 or 11 and that way your DD has some "face time" with her friends.

Just my 2cents....
karenos

 

[eeyore65]

Now, on the other hand... I am the mom that not everyone knows. I work and the other moms don't, so I am not a part of their social set. My dd has been penalized because of this, especially when she was younger. Trust me, someone you know and trust knows this family. Ask around. If she really wants to go, and you would like her to go and enjoy herself, you can get comfortable with the family.

I am so glad you said this. I am in the same boat. Please ask around before you say no.

 

[Minnie_me]

I hate sleepovers!!!!!

I'm so thrilled that my 9-year old DD has "issues" that I can use as excuses for her not to sleep over. She gets horrible bloody noses quite frequently during the night, and really needs someone to sit with her while she waits for it to stop. Not to mention the bloody mess it can make.

She also is a frequent sleepwalker. We've found her with her hand on the doorknob, ready to walk out the front door at 3a.m.

I always take her to the party, ask the hosts what time they'll be expecting to get the girls to bed, and I pick her up around that time. I even let her bring pjs and her pillow and sleeping bag in case they snuggle in and watch movies, etc.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[Minnie_me]

I am a former teacher. I had a few parents ask me about other families before deciding about sleepovers. I never thought much about it so don't be afraid to ask the teacher.

You seemed concerned about only one other girl being invited. That is how we do it at my house. They have a choice between a large two hour party or a small sleepover.

I'm a teacher, too, and I wouldn't touch that with a 10-foot pole! Who am I to pass judgment on another family!??! Not to mention the privacy issues at stake.

PLEASE don't ask the teacher -- YIKES!! Find out for yourself.

 

[RadioNate]

Is there some way I could just have my DD stay until, say 11pm and then pick her up? I'm afraid my daughter will cause a scene when I get there. What can I come up with so she is willing to leave?

I'm sorry, what? What can you come up with so that she is willing to leave? How about "Get in the car, it is time to go?"

A child needs to learn that the parent will say no. A child needs to learn that having the parent say no, will result in the child learning how to deal with being told no.

Creating excuses for why she can't go is not healthy. She can't go because you do not have enough information to be comfortable with her in a stranger's house.

It really is that cut and dried if you let it be. She will learn that there are boundaries, and that you will protect her regardless of whether or not she sees the potential for danger.

That's your job. You are the Mom.

While I hate the "because I said so" reason, I can't imagine making up excuses on how to get out of a 9 year old's sleep over.

Just tell the daughter the truth. Don't make up stuff about plan etc, to get out of it. DVC - had a great line "you can't go because I do not have enough information to be comfortable with you in a stranger's house. Sorry" That doesn't mean you can't get to know the family better and have a sleep over in the future but tonight is a no-go.

Why is that so hard?

As for the other parent. How about "I'm sorry, my daughter can not attend tonight. Thank you for the invitation. She really likes your daughter so I hope they can plan to get together another time."

 

[Minnesota!]

I am so glad you said this. I am in the same boat. Please ask around before you say no.

Exactly! I am the working mom in the bunch in my son's class. Most of the moms stay at home/volunteer in the class/etc. So I know that if anyone is questioning the safety of their kids, it will be these parents questioning me when I invite them to DS' party. I would hope that if any of the parents is paranoid about their kid being at my house for 12-15 hours, that they would come meet me, call me, etc. before making their kid miss out on my kids' party, you know?

I agree its a mom's (and dad's) job to keep kids safe - but you can't be paranoid at the same time. Fear breeds fear. Pretty soon nobody will trust anyone.

 

[shortbun]

I think your solution is a good one, maybe you can call to rsvp and talk to the mom then, and when you drop off your dd you can also check things out.
And if my dd "caused a scene" when I suggested this, she wouldn't be going to the party at all.

(My dds have had quite a few parties where they couldn't stay overnight for the sleepover due to early morning commitments the next day. Their choice was go without staying over, or don't go at all. Guess what, they always went to the party!)

Yeah, I'd be talking to my daughter and telling her she might have to come home late instead of spending the night. I've disallowed DS to spend the night at two friend's homes due to smoking in the home and parents I thought were pretty much mentally ill. He ended up being relieved that I was picking him up-glad he wasn't spending the night.

Drive by tonight, now. Call and rsvp, explain to the mom about being a bit uncomfortable. Ask her how many girls she expects and if she plans to monitor the party. Is she going to require lights out and no noise to encourage sleep or allow them to stay up all night. I'd ask about where they were sleeping too. My son can not sleep if he's not comfortable.

If you get there are things look iffy, you could always say something came up and you'll need to get your daughter at 11pm. 9 years old is a bit young to weather craziness if it's allowed to happen. I hated slumber parties when I was young because I wanted to sleep and the other girls kept waking me. Some parents were present, some were not. I always preferred the homes where the parents kept an eye on us.

 

[aprilgail2]

If you get there are things look iffy, you could always say something came up and you'll need to get your daughter at 11pm. 9 years old is a bit young to weather craziness if it's allowed to happen. I hated slumber parties when I was young because I wanted to sleep and the other girls kept waking me. Some parents were present, some were not. I always preferred the homes where the parents kept an eye on us.

My daughter has yet to g oto a slumber party where they actually did any sleeping! Last week I picked her up at 9am and they were still boucning of the walls and hadn't slept yet! I always make sure we have NO plans for the next day because she will be sleeping the day away!
I am pretty sure I would let my 9 year old go to a sleepover if I didn't know the parents providing that when I dropped off I went a few minutes early and met the parents face to face... maybe not in the younger grades but by 5th grade I would......I would have already asked other parents prior to that what they thought of the family too! I did not let her go to one sleepover due to the presence of an older brother who I did not care for and had bad feelings about! Right now my friend is going through heck due to her older son being accused of molesting her younger childs friend...I don't know if he did it or not but its a bad situation all around especially for the poor young girl that was molested!

 

[krcit]

I am not a fan of sleepovers and no way would I let my kids sleep somewhere if I didn't know the family. If that makes me paranoid so be it. There was a guy a few blocks away from us arrested years ago for molesting his daughters friends during a sleepover. I am not comfortable leaving my kids when I don't know the parents/family. I would let her go to the party for a while and pick her up later. I also wouldn't make excuses to your dd about why she can't sleep over. Tell her the truth. There are going to be plenty of times when she is not going to like your answers, but she will learn to deal with them.

 

[leagirl12]

This subject is so interesting to me. My dd has had 3 different girls over the last few years spend the night at our house and I never met the parents until after the fact. It is unbelievable to me that someone would drop their kid off in the driveway and never come in to meet me.

That for me = friends dd will NOT be spending the night with. If they don't monitor their kids I know they won't monitor mine.

My dd or ds will NOT be spending the night with someone I don't know. And in my opinion if the parents can't understand that then that just helps me feel like I am making the right decision. I want my kids to be around families that have the same values and ideas as us when it comes to raising kids...that is what will make me feel at ease about my child being at their house.

I also think meeting someone for 5 minutes when you drop your kid off is not knowing someone enough to leave your kid overnight at their house.

 

[Fridye]

Everyone has incredibly great comments -- that's what I needed. I called the mom this morning and talked with her for quite awhile. She seemed very nice, and I'm much more comfortable about my DD visiting. However, I don't want my DD to spend the night with people I don't know.

I told the mom I would pick up my DD at 11pm and bring her over in the morning to play some more. I told her we're monitoring a medical situation that I didn't want her to be responsible for. This is moderately true, and I think I'll use this excuse if I need to in the future. This is an easier way to handle a delicate situation and not hurt anyone's feelings. Once I get to know the mom better, I can make a more informed decision in the future.

Thank you, posters, for reminding me that I am the mom and I need to do what I feel is best for my child. I shouldn't be manipulated by her pleading. When they're younger, the safety issues are clear-cut -- don't run into the street, keep that out of your mouth, don't climb up there. I'm having a much harder time now that she's older and the dangers are different. I don't have clear-cut guidelines. That's why I asked for your advice, and you all made some very good points and suggestions that I really needed.

I'm glad to know the DIS'ers are here to help.
Thanks.

 

[laurie31]

This subject is so interesting to me. My dd has had 3 different girls over the last few years spend the night at our house and I never met the parents until after the fact. It is unbelievable to me that someone would drop their kid off in the driveway and never come in to meet me.
That for me = friends dd will NOT be spending the night with. If they don't monitor their kids I know they won't monitor mine.

My dd or ds will NOT be spending the night with someone I don't know. And in my opinion if the parents can't understand that then that just helps me feel like I am making the right decision. I want my kids to be around families that have the same values and ideas as us when it comes to raising kids...that is what will make me feel at ease about my child being at their house.

I also think meeting someone for 5 minutes when you drop your kid off is not knowing someone enough to leave your kid overnight at their house.

This has happened to me. DD invited a friend to a party, and the parents just...dropped her off; by the time we got to the door to let her in they were driving away. They didn't even stick around to make sure she got in the house! Now, it's been over a year, and this girl has spent the night with DD several times, and I have NEVER LAID EYES on either of her parents. Sometimes we pick her up. I go to the door, hoping to talk to a parent, but the girl comes out alone. It boggles my mind. DD will NOT be going to her house, but then again, she's never been invited. I don't think they want to be bothered with thier own kid, much less anyone else's.

On the other hand, I have had a girl come to a sleepover who had recently moved here and her Mom called and chatted with me awhile. She was so happy that her DD was invited as she was worried she wouldn't make new friends here, but she was also concerned because she didn't know us. I just told the mom, "Well, let me just tell you all the things you would like to know but feel too awkward to ask. We are Christians. We don't drink. We don't smoke. They are going to watch a movie and it will be Rated G. We have a Wii, but the games are rated E (we have Mario Kart, and Mario Party, and the sports package that comes with it). We have no accessible guns. DH has a rifle that was his grandfather's but it's in a locked gun safe in the attic, unloaded, with a trigger lock. We have 4 cats inside. My husband and I will both be here. We don't allow them to listen to music with foul lyrics. They will have to be in bed by 12:30-1:00." I think I even told her what we were serving for dinner, late night snack, and breakfast, too. By the end of it, we were both laughing and she felt very comfortable with her DD coming. She admitted she was concerned about guns and was okay with it being there since I told her just how inaccessible it is (we've lived in this house 12 years. NO ONE but DH has ever been in the attic. It has those pull-down stairs, and the girls and I are scared of them - lol. Every year, he offers to let them go up with him to help get the Christmas decorations down, and they get halfway up the ladder and chicken out. There's no way they'd get up there without us knowing - those stairs are LOUD when you pull them down. The gun safe has TWO combination locks, and *I* don't even know the combinations. I feel very confident that there's no way anyone could get to this gun. DH only keeps it for sentimental reasons, because his grandfather gave it to him). She also appreciated knowing about the cats, but said they have cats too, so no problem. DD does have a friend with cat allergies, and when she comes, we put the cats up and vacuum REALLY well.

I think this party has already started, so the OP has likely made a decision by now, but for next time, RSVP sooner and see if you can meet the mom for lunch someplace beforehand. Also, even DD13 has had friends who "can't stay" and they don't need a reason. Some have early morning sports stuff on Saturdays and the parents know, despite my best efforts, they won't get a good night's sleep. Others I think just don't want to sleep away from home yet. You don't need a reason - not for the party host or your DD; just say, "Thank you for inviting DD; she can come on Friday, but we'll have to pick her up around 11:00 because of a previous committment." No one but you has to know the "previous committment" is one you made to yourself not to let your DD sleep away with people you don't know well.

But do try to get to know the family; if their DD likes yours well enough to make her "A" friend list (if she was only allowed to invited 2 friends, and she chose your DD as one of them, that's pretty significant) then my guess is your DD will be invited to other things in the future.

 

[tink20]

I never allowed my DD to stay at someone's home overnight unless I knew them. I still feel the same way now, even though she is 15, I want to know what the other parents allow. I don't want my DD running the roads all night and coming in later than I allow. You are in charge, trust me it only gets harder the older they are.


I'll never forget, one time, this girl who rode the bus home with DD (in 5th grade) ask my DD if she could spend the night with us. I told DD I didn't care, but it was my DD's father's weekend, I went to the girls house to pick her up, told the mother, she would not be staying with me, but would be staying with my ex (who lives across town) She said that was fine, and she could stay the whole weekend I couldn't believe it, I guess they just wanted her gone all weekend.

 

[golfgal]

I am a former teacher. I had a few parents ask me about other families before deciding about sleepovers. I never thought much about it so don't be afraid to ask the teacher.

You seemed concerned about only one other girl being invited. That is how we do it at my house. They have a choice between a large two hour party or a small sleepover.

WOW---and if something did happen, even if the child accidentally fell down the stairs and got hurt-your career is OVER because you said it was OK for her to sleep over. Sorry, I wouldn't give out that kind of advice.

Exactly! I am the working mom in the bunch in my son's class. Most of the moms stay at home/volunteer in the class/etc. So I know that if anyone is questioning the safety of their kids, it will be these parents questioning me when I invite them to DS' party. I would hope that if any of the parents is paranoid about their kid being at my house for 12-15 hours, that they would come meet me, call me, etc. before making their kid miss out on my kids' party, you know?

I agree its a mom's (and dad's) job to keep kids safe - but you can't be paranoid at the same time. Fear breeds fear. Pretty soon nobody will trust anyone.

Must be a Minnesota thing to not live your life in total paranoia.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Everyone has incredibly great comments -- that's what I needed. I called the mom this morning and talked with her for quite awhile. She seemed very nice, and I'm much more comfortable about my DD visiting. However, I don't want my DD to spend the night with people I don't know.

I told the mom I would pick up my DD at 11pm and bring her over in the morning to play some more. I told her we're monitoring a medical situation that I didn't want her to be responsible for. This is moderately true, and I think I'll use this excuse if I need to in the future. This is an easier way to handle a delicate situation and not hurt anyone's feelings. Once I get to know the mom better, I can make a more informed decision in the future.

Thank you, posters, for reminding me that I am the mom and I need to do what I feel is best for my child. I shouldn't be manipulated by her pleading. When they're younger, the safety issues are clear-cut -- don't run into the street, keep that out of your mouth, don't climb up there. I'm having a much harder time now that she's older and the dangers are different. I don't have clear-cut guidelines. That's why I asked for your advice, and you all made some very good points and suggestions that I really needed.

I'm glad to know the DIS'ers are here to help.
Thanks.

My dd's are 18 and 13 so I am on to bigger problems.

For example today we are going to dd's college football game 2hrs away and then she is driving her car home while we drive ours.

Now she has drove home several times (always makes me nervous) & she is a good driver. However it is still hard for me to not be nervous about her driving long distance on the HWY. At least when she did it by herself I could distract myself and wait for the phone call that she arrived safely.

Now I have to watch her drive, she is on Thanksgiving break and coming home. Stupid, I know, but there you go.