As adults, do we need to get permission from each other?

[DISvirgin1]

DH and I always check with each other for big things. I also think it's common courtesy. A friend of mine will call me to meet up for a drink or something and gets annoyed because she sees that as me "asking" permission. BUT she and her husband are always have what she calls "rough patches" so...

 

[Pakey]

We do not seek permission but we discuss. We discuss our finances in general, how much we have in retirement, how much in the grandchildren's education plans, etc. So of course we discuss big purchases.

We do take some separate vacations. He golfs and has a pretty hefty country club bill in addition to traveling to play golf. I like to do vacations with my friends. Since we have dogs that need to be looked after, we do run it by each other to make sure we know what the other is doing. To me, that's fairly typical married behavior.

We take a large international vacation together annually. We rotate every other year in selecting the destination/activities. Although this year's (his choice) was so awful I may have to rethink how we do this one.

 

[ols386]

Not permission, but we usually discuss anything big before either of us do it.

 

[Marionnette]

This has been going through my mind lately. As adults, do we need to get permission from our spouses to do big things?

My dh does not like to travel to Disney, New York, etc. He is more of a fishing and camping person. My dh says I don't need to go to Disney since I have been several times. This is the only area in our lives where I feel like I have to ask first. LOL

If I went and got jet skis, he would have no problem.

Permission? No. But a discussion and mutual agreement is important on anything that has an impact on your spouse. If I want to vacation at Disney and he wants to vacation at the beach, we need to discuss and compromise.

I think it may be that since he doesn't travel or go anywhere, then I shouldn't either. I really believe he thinks it is a waste of money. But he will spend money on other things where I don't. So I say it is a wash.

Maybe separate savings accounts for each of you to use as you see fit would be in order? The one rule being that you cannot criticize how he spends his fun money and he doesn't get a voice in how you spend yours.

He is not controlling. For some reason he frowns upon Disney. I suppose if I went somewhere else he wouldn't mind. Him and the mouse must not get along. LOL

My husband would be fine with a visit to Disney once every 2-3 years whereas I would be happy if I could go 3-4 times each year. It's not that I am against traveling other places, I just like my quick visits to Disney, too! Our solution is for me to go to Disney with family and friends most of the time. OTOH, I keep my mouth shut when he wants to go on a golf weekend with the guys.

 

[Poohforyou]

DH is my husband not my father so there is no permission asked or needed. I will, however, run things by him and he does the same. This is to make sure schedules will work out and things like that. To me that's just being considerate.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

This has been going through my mind lately. As adults, do we need to get permission from our spouses to do big things?

My dh does not like to travel to Disney, New York, etc. He is more of a fishing and camping person. My dh says I don't need to go to Disney since I have been several times. This is the only area in our lives where I feel like I have to ask first. LOL

If I went and got jet skis, he would have no problem.

Any big purchase or being away for a time such as a Disney trip or Jet Skis should be the result of discussion and mutual agreement between both spouses.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Let's just say that I would prefer to live on a budget discussing everything, he would rather not. So we meet in the middle somewhere.

 

[DISvirgin1]

We do not seek permission but we discuss. We discuss our finances in general, how much we have in retirement, how much in the grandchildren's education plans, etc. So of course we discuss big purchases.

We do take some separate vacations. He golfs and has a pretty hefty country club bill in addition to traveling to play golf. I like to do vacations with my friends. Since we have dogs that need to be looked after, we do run it by each other to make sure we know what the other is doing. To me, that's fairly typical married behavior.

We take a large international vacation together annually. We rotate every other year in selecting the destination/activities. Although this year's (his choice) was so awful I may have to rethink how we do this one.

I have to know where you went!!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Permission, no. Discussion, yes.

Once or twice a year I have a girl trip to Disneyland. Since it is less than an hour away, it isn't a big deal. But, since I will be gone about three days, I check the dates with my husband to make sure I'm not leaving him in the lurch with something (big work project or something that he'd have to shoulder alone).

I have my own money so that is never an issue.

I am just so happy that we both like to travel, so we do that together. We are currently planning our next huge adventure.

 

[mickeysgal]

I have to know where you went!!

Me too!!

 

[Tinker Bell Fan]

DH & I don't ask permission but we do discuss (big things and little things). Big things because it is OUR money; and little things like I'm going to the movies with my girlfriends. I'll usually say "do you mind if I go" he's always said "go" (and vice versa if he wants to do something with the boys) but we ask just in case the other one has something planned. It's more of a courtesy thing I think (and not taking eachother for granted).

DH only once bought a big item without discussing it with me and he will never do it again. I tease him (relentlessly) that I should go buy a big item without telling him.

 

[happygirl]

Yes, we talk out things

 

[DISvirgin1]

DH & I don't ask permission but we do discuss (big things and little things). Big things because it is OUR money; and little things like I'm going to the movies with my girlfriends. I'll usually say "do you mind if I go" he's always said "go" (and vice versa if he wants to do something with the boys) but we ask just in case the other one has something planned. It's more of a courtesy thing I think (and not taking eachother for granted).

DH only once bought a big item without discussing it with me and he will never do it again. I tease him (relentlessly) that I should go buy a big item without telling him.

A year or so ago there was a car commercial in which two women were going off to by a car and one asked the other if her hudband would mind her making that large of a purchase without him. Her answer was basically that she didn't need "permission" and he would most likely be relieved that he didn't have to bother with that... All I could think of at that time was that I would KILL my husband if he came home with a new car without my knowledge!! I only heard the commercial once so I wonder if they got a lot of flack for it.

 

[tigercat]

I would love to know as well.
I often go away without my husband. I let him know what I am planning and if he has a problem with it. He loves to camp and I did that for many years. I finally said enough. He still goes but usually takes a couple of the grandkids or goes by himself. That is great with me.
I used to go to visit my parents in Florida for a week or two. I have taken several trips to Disney usually with some of my kids (they are older) and have gone on a cruise with my sister. I am leaving in Oct. with my daughter.
She has had some problems with her husband though. He didn't want her to go. This trip was a trip that had been planned about 8 yrs ago after her husband and mine went on a great train and camping trip that they both really enjoyed. All of a sudden he decided that they should only go on family vacations. That would be okay except he doesn't want to go anyway, and doesn't want to go with their kids????? So he finally decided that she could go. I stayed out of the fight.
If my husband had of done that to me however I would have been livid. It wasn't a matter of money (I am paying for everything) it was just a matter of control. My husband has always felt that if I get away I am a happier person. It gave me a break as I really held down the fort so to speak.
tigercat

 

[DebbieB]

I was looking through a table of clearance purses at Macys the other day. I said to another woman there that I really don't need another purse but I can't help myself when I see one I like! She said her husband says the same thing, why does she have so many purses. She said she told him not to say anything about her purses and she will not say anything about his tools!

 

[marthachick]

I have to know where you went!!

Soooo.....

 

[sunshinehighway]

Maybe he doesn't need to go fishing and camping if you don't need to go to Disney. It sounds like he's been before.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

DW took a job at the school so she could spend more time with the kids, and that took a big chunk out of our income. So, money is tight & neither of us would ever think of doing anything expensive w/o a discussion. There was a time in our lives when income was much higher & expenses much lower. We still discussed things, but it was more of a courtesy. I had more vacation time than she did, so if I wanted to take a week for a hunting trip, I just asked her opinion before I spent the $, but it was never a long discussion. Nowadays, such a trip would take months to plan & save $$ before the final decision could be made

 

[Disney Doll]

Permission? No.
Discussion? Yes.

Big things usually require some sort of money to do them,and since it is "our" money, I would sit down with DH and look at the financial aspects of it & how that might impact the rest of our budgetary needs. Obviously neither one of us would be doing some "big" if it meant not being able to pay next month's electric bill.

There is also the "life" impact while one spouse is gone, especially if there are children involved who need to be arranged for, schlepped here and there and so forth.

We didn't have kids, so that was never an issue but we did have a dog so we had to make sure we had a back-up person in case one of us got delayed at work while the other was away, so someone could let the dog out. Thankfully my parents lived close by and I have a couple of great neighbors, so that was never really an issue either.

We vacation together. Neither one of us has something that one LOVES to do that the other hates. Thankfully, when it comes to vacation we are generally on the same page. Most of our individual traveling has been for work-related conferences/out-of-town meetings.

 

[Coconut36]

Mmmm, I don't get permission from my husband to do things, nor does he get permission from me.

But we are partners, so decision that affect our life in any significant way, like large purchases or how we spend our vacation time, are things we discuss together.

We're pretty much in agreement about everything, so it's not really an issue for us.

If he insisted on doing something I would hate for vacation (like camping), I'd tell him to have a good time, and do whatever I wanted for vacation. But that's never happened.

I agree. I don't think it is permission so much as the fact that you are partners and certain purchases might exceed or impact your budget and you both should be on board with it and when it comes to family/couple vacation plans I think it requires discussion and compromise so that both parties are content/comfortable with the choice. If the final decision is that you don't go on a trip together than so be it.