As adults, do we need to get permission from each other?

[JodiR]

This has been going through my mind lately. As adults, do we need to get permission from our spouses to do big things?

My dh does not like to travel to Disney, New York, etc. He is more of a fishing and camping person. My dh says I don't need to go to Disney since I have been several times. This is the only area in our lives where I feel like I have to ask first. LOL

If I went and got jet skis, he would have no problem.

 

[Pigeon]

Mmmm, I don't get permission from my husband to do things, nor does he get permission from me.

But we are partners, so decision that affect our life in any significant way, like large purchases or how we spend our vacation time, are things we discuss together.

We're pretty much in agreement about everything, so it's not really an issue for us.

If he insisted on doing something I would hate for vacation (like camping), I'd tell him to have a good time, and do whatever I wanted for vacation. But that's never happened.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think it depends on the personalities involved and the individual relationship.

 

[Christine]

Well, everyone has a different arrangement.

My husband is a big competitor in triathalons. He does two big competitions a year and lots of small ones and he uses vacation time to do it. He doesn't ask me for permission. It is something he likes to do. But he will say "This event costs $600, is that going to be a problem?" and we discuss it.

Same for Disney. He likes ALL vacations but he'd rather do the triathalons with his time. I'd rather do Disney, so that's where I go without him. Our kids are much older so it's not the big deal it was when they were toddlers/grade school age.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

"Big things" Yes. Big things take big money. We share our money, so we talk it over first. I wouldn't call that "permission" though. I's a partnership.

We take vacations together, as well. I can't fathom a reason why we wouldn't, unless it's something small like a weekend to Baltimore to take in a baseball game or something.

 

[stsomewhere]

My husband has limited vacation time and he uses one week to go to Boy Scout camp. He likes to camp, hunt, and golf. We he does on a regular basis.
That means that I am at home with the kids.
Plus, he travels regularly for work. He travels to some pretty cool places and is wined and dined by his clients.

I am gone on a overnight Christmas shopping trip with my Aunt and cousin for the last 10 yrs or so.

Last year, I decided I wanted some time to myself and wanted to go on my own adventure. I asked him if he minded if I went on a cruise alone. I considered it a mom vacation. He said he was fine. I went to WDW for 2 days and on a 14 night DCL Transatlantic cruise.(He hates sea days)

He was very supportive and encouraged me to go.

My mom wanted me to go on a cruise with her this year at the end of Sept.. I asked my husband if he cared. He said it was fine.

ETA: It is our money and we discuss large purchases.
We get more grief from our families about me travelling by myself. But, it is ok for him to go without me??

 

[JodiR]

I think it may be that since he doesn't travel or go anywhere, then I shouldn't either. I really believe he thinks it is a waste of money. But he will spend money on other things where I don't. So I say it is a wash.

 

[JessicaR]

We discuss but neither seeks permission. I like to frequent Orlando more than my husband does so I incorporate trips with my sisters so he doesn't have to go so often.

Basically if we both desire something that the other doesn't we work it out so we're both happy. Or at least that's the plan we try and adhere to.

 

[NikitaZee]

Permission - not exactly. If I wanted to take a trip without my husband I'd definitely run it by him - and if he had a problem with that (which he probably would - we always vacation together) we'd talk it over and come to some kind of compromise. But we don't have the kind of relationship where we just say - 'by the way I'm going to do this (insert big thing here) by myself'. But that's just us - I know other couples that do a lot more things independently.

 

[eliza61]

I don't see it as permission but rather as common courtesy. This is the person who's life is intertwined with mine. the things I do effect him and vice versa so we simply make decisions with that in mind.

My dh and I have a wide variety of things we like, some we like to do together, some we don't.

For my 50th bday I wanted to go to Paris. My dh had absolutely no desire. I didn't even thing of dragging some one to Europe that really didn't want to go. He was not only great with me going with my sister and best friend. He surprised us with a room upgrade to a uber luxury suite!!

Dh and my sons love fishing. the world will seriously come to an end before I ever spend another day on a fishing boat.

dh doesn't need to ask permission but also I wouldn't think of saying no to some thing I know he loves to do.

 

[LilyWDW]

If it costs a chunk of money or could mean you being away for an extended period of time, I think you should discuss it. Not so much ask permission, but there needs to be some communication and you have to be willing to hear all sides and be open to changing plans if it is an issue.

 

[mickeysgal]

This has been going through my mind lately. As adults, do we need to get permission from our spouses to do big things?

My dh does not like to travel to Disney, New York, etc. He is more of a fishing and camping person. My dh says I don't need to go to Disney since I have been several times. This is the only area in our lives where I feel like I have to ask first. LOL

If I went and got jet skis, he would have no problem.

First off, I think it's considerate and a marital obligation to discuss and make "big thing" decisions together since there is a financial impact to the household. Everyone's definition of "big things" varies from household to household. I have bought furniture without discussion. Others I know wouldn't do that. It's the joint threshold of tolerance that you establish together.

I would have a problem if my husband told me where I could and could not vacation simply because in his view he didn't like it and that you'd been there several times already. I'm not subject to his review and approval based on his criteria and his alone. Then again, I've been married a long time and I don't put up with much anymore. That's too controlling for me.

 

[JessicaR]

I think it may be that since he doesn't travel or go anywhere, then I shouldn't either. I really believe he thinks it is a waste of money. But he will spend money on other things where I don't. So I say it is a wash.

This would be very difficult for me since I love to travel. It isn't fair for him to say you can't or shouldn't because he doesn't want to. Do you go without him anyway?

 

[JodiR]

He is not controlling. For some reason he frowns upon Disney. I suppose if I went somewhere else he wouldn't mind. Him and the mouse must not get along. LOL

 

[mickeysgal]

He is not controlling. For some reason he frowns upon Disney. I suppose if I went somewhere else he wouldn't mind. Him and the mouse must not get along. LOL

Disney isn't for everyone. My DH is burnt out on it and doesn't go with us much anymore. We're both ok with that. I wouldn't like it if he told me I can't go anymore because he thought I've been there enough times.

ETA: Now, if my husband said I'd like to go somewhere else or that I needed to ease up a bit on Disney. That, I understand. It's a big world out there and it's nice to mix up the vacations. Hope this makes sense.

 

[SpecialK]

We base it on a set dollar amount. Under that amount, go ahead. Over that amount, we discuss.

 

[design_mom]

We discuss all major decisions (including vacations, etc.) because I think it's courteous and we're partners, not because I'm seeking permission. However, if my husband had serious concerns over something, it would probably be enough to make me not do it.

I would not take kindly if my husband *decreed* what I could/could not do regarding vacation, but I could understand if he'd prefer a different vacation and I think we could come to a compromise.

(For what it's worth, my husband enjoys "stuff" more than travel. Although he enjoys vacations, he thinks money spent on vacation is "all that money for just one week" while stuff lasts longer. It is definitely a philosophical difference... but it's one we've come to a compromise on. We do not travel as much as I would like to, but we do take a nice yearly vacation.)

 

[Shyvioletisme]

"Big things" Yes. Big things take big money. We share our money, so we talk it over first. I wouldn't call that "permission" though. I's a partnership.

We take vacations together, as well. I can't fathom a reason why we wouldn't, unless it's something small like a weekend to Baltimore to take in a baseball game or something.

This for my DH and I as well. We share money and I can't imagine not talking over a big purchase with DH before doing it. I'm not asking permission, but we always discuss any purchases over say $50. We have no interest in traveling without each other so that's not anything we'd need to worry about money-wise. Personally I think it is courteous to discuss big decisions with your SO. That's part of what marriage is.

 

[Bonnie151]

I don't ask permission, but I wouldn't do something that would make him REALLY unhappy- e.g he was away in India for all of July (work) and I decided I wanted to take the kids on holiday to PortAventura. I ran it past him before booking to make sure he was OK with our going (bearing in mind that he wants to go there too!). He hummed and hawed and then decided he was fine with it. If he had been completely against it and I hadn't managed to persuade him that it was a fantastic idea(!), we wouldn't have gone.

So not really asking permission, but respecting his viewpoint. Fortunately, we're both pretty easy going about who spends what. So long as we can afford it, the other rarely objects.

 

[sam_gordon]

When I have an opportunity to do something, I will check with DW to make sure I'm not messing something else up. There have been times she's said "I'd rather you not do that" and I've turned down the opportunity. I jokingly call it "asking the boss", so I guess some would could call it "asking permission", but there's been nothing important enough that I went against her wishes.

DW will do the same with me.