Am I being selfish?

[FayeW]

OP, don't give your mooching, freeloading sister's broken heart a second thought. It is time for her to put on her big girl panties and start working towards providing for her daughter. Sounds like she is very immature, so I think I see why she is now divorced.

I just want to make sure I understand. You paid to convert your husband's leisure space into a bedroom for your sister. You even provided a separate entrance so she could have privacy. She pays not one dime towards the additional expenses you incur for her and her daughter (although she receives child support for her daughter, she didn't feel that she should pay something to the people actually supporting her daughter????)

You inconvenienced your own daughter by moving your 4 yr old neice into her room, and sister has no problem staying with her boyfriend while you effectively raise your neice. For free.

She works full time, receives child support and lives for free without even the worry of a babysitter when she wants to play house with the boyfriend. And she expects you to either pay to take her and her child to WDW, or delay her trip until somebody else will pay for her child's vacation???? UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE!!!!

You must be married to a saint if he not only put up with a childish sister-in-law and her child living with you, but pays for the priviledge. He even offered to delay his own family's trip to accomodate her temper tantrum. The man must be an angel!

I hope that seeing this all written out makes you see how ridiculous, selfish and over the top your sister's reaction to this is. While you are considering delaying or cancelling your own family's trip and disappointing your children, your sister has absolutely no regard or consideration for your childrens' feelings. She is putting her wants ahead of what you want for your children. How does that make you feel?

Time to cut the apron strings with your sister. If she has been living with you paying for nothing while she collects support for her neice and works full time, then she is taking advantage of you.

Send her boyfriend a simple message: "Mind your own business. This doesn't concern you."

Tell your sister: "We were planning a trip before you moved it, but paying to convert the garage for you and supporting you and Jayda depleted our trip savings and we are now able to start planning again. You have been here for over a year. We love you and Jayda but we need some family time for just us. You are welcome to accompany us on our trip, but you and Jayda will have to have your own room, and you will have to pay all of your expenses. You have 8 months, and no other bills, so you should be able to save a few hundred dollars each month to pay for your trip. If you don't want to do that, we can't help you. We will all go together when Mom pays in 2010."

Don't even consider taking your neice. Take that though right out of your head. Right now with your family's configuration you could still do one room at some resorts (some hold 5, and children under 3 don't count in the total). You add the neice in the mix and now you are looking at two rooms or a family suite at Allstars, minimum. (Personally, I would be staying offsite anyway with that many people, in a 3-4 bdrm rental home or condo, but that is a whole 'nother thread).

Don't let her make you feel guilty. You have nothing to apologize for. She should be kissing your feet for all you have done for her and her daughter, and she should be ashamed of herself for even thinking you should change your plans, let alone actually saying it to you!

 

[badblackpug]

OP, don't give your mooching, freeloading sister's broken heart a second thought. It is time for her to put on her big girl panties and start working towards providing for her daughter. Sounds like she is very immature, so I think I see why she is now divorced.

I just want to make sure I understand. You paid to convert your husband's leisure space into a bedroom for your sister. You even provided a separate entrance so she could have privacy. She pays not one dime towards the additional expenses you incur for her and her daughter (although she receives child support for her daughter, she didn't feel that she should pay something to the people actually supporting her daughter????)

You inconvenienced your own daughter by moving your 4 yr old neice into her room, and sister has no problem staying with her boyfriend while you effectively raise your neice. For free.

She works full time, receives child support and lives for free without even the worry of a babysitter when she wants to play house with the boyfriend. And she expects you to either pay to take her and her child to WDW, or delay her trip until somebody else will pay for her child's vacation???? UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE!!!!

You must be married to a saint if he not only put up with a childish sister-in-law and her child living with you, but pays for the priviledge. He even offered to delay his own family's trip to accomodate her temper tantrum. The man must be an angel!

I hope that seeing this all written out makes you see how ridiculous, selfish and over the top your sister's reaction to this is. While you are considering delaying or cancelling your own family's trip and disappointing your children, your sister has absolutely no regard or consideration for your childrens' feelings. She is putting her wants ahead of what you want for your children. How does that make you feel?

Time to cut the apron strings with your sister. If she has been living with you paying for nothing while she collects support for her neice and works full time, then she is taking advantage of you.

Send her boyfriend a simple message: "Mind your own business. This doesn't concern you."

Tell your sister: "We were planning a trip before you moved it, but paying to convert the garage for you and supporting you and Jayda depleted our trip savings and we are now able to start planning again. You have been here for over a year. We love you and Jayda but we need some family time for just us. You are welcome to accompany us on our trip, but you and Jayda will have to have your own room, and you will have to pay all of your expenses. You have 8 months, and no other bills, so you should be able to save a few hundred dollars each month to pay for your trip. If you don't want to do that, we can't help you. We will all go together when Mom pays in 2010."

Don't even consider taking your neice. Take that though right out of your head. Right now with your family's configuration you could still do one room at some resorts (some hold 5, and children under 3 don't count in the total). You add the neice in the mix and now you are looking at two rooms or a family suite at Allstars, minimum. (Personally, I would be staying offsite anyway with that many people, in a 3-4 bdrm rental home or condo, but that is a whole 'nother thread).

Don't let her make you feel guilty. You have nothing to apologize for. She should be kissing your feet for all you have done for her and her daughter, and she should be ashamed of herself for even thinking you should change your plans, let alone actually saying it to you!

I agree with al except the not taking the niece part. It is very difficult to explain to a 5 year old why all the other children in her family get to go and she doesn't (and remember, by moving her in the way that she did her mother, essentially made her one of the kids in the family) I don't think a 5 year old should be made to feel badly or left out because her mother is a lazy, selfish sack of *%$!

 

[tlbwriter]

I agree with al except the not taking the niece part. It is very difficult to explain to a 5 year old why all the other children in her family get to go and she doesn't (and remember, by moving her in the way that she did her mother, essentially made her one of the kids in the family) I don't think a 5 year old should be made to feel badly or left out because her mother is a lazy, selfish sack of *%$!

On the other hand, the child needs to learn that she does not get to have and do everything that other people have and do. The OP has provided a safe home for her - that's more than enough. She should not feel pressured into providing the "extras" for her as well.

 

[cjackearl]

It sounds as if your sister is a narscissist(sp). These people believe that the world should revolve around them and don't take responsibility for EVER being wrong. They frequently are also very critical of others, like your mom. As much as you love your sister there is nothing you can do to make her feel good about this situation, bar canceling your trip. She just cannot see this from anyone's perspective but her own. You may have to make some hard and scary changes in the way you interact with her in order to feel good about your relationship. Her behavior has gotten her what she's wanted in the past, so she's planning on it working again. You have to call her on it. She's not going to "come around" to your thinking, even though its completely reasonable. Your job is not to try to reason with her but to tell her, "I love you, but my immediate family needs some together time. We're going to Disney on such and such a date." Expect some flack from your mom as well, but adults shouldn't be able to get away with bad behavior any more than kids should. Calmly and kindly say what YOU are planning and don't get dragged into any emotional hijacking. Planning your first trip to WDW with your kids is almost as fun as the actual trip, and please don't spend one minute feeling anything but giddy about your family vacation.

 

[livndisney]

Do NOT feel guilty! I have a family member just like your sister. I WENT to WDW with them NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

I understand family is family. But your sister is an adult (legal age LOL) your children are not. You need to provide for THEM and do what is best for THEM. Go. take your children to WDW. Go again on the "whole family" trip. If your sister doesn't like- too bad, your life is not her decision.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

She should be on her hands and knees kissing the ground YOU walk on for letting her live with you. Let her move in with this BF if she wants to and see how long it is before she comes back to you. As for YOUR disney trip, you have every right to go whenever you want. This is up to you and DH and about YOUR family. There is nothing in the rule books that say you need to make sure your sister is ok with this. You don't need to worry about her or her daughter's feelings about it. Kids are resilient the little girl will get over it. Your sister needs to grow up and worry about getting on her own feet for her and her daughter's sake and not be concerned about going to WDW. Yes she would like to bring her daughter, but unfortunately that's her problem and shouldn't be yours too. This is your family and you need do what you need to. I definatley understand you wanting them to go with you for the first time. Don't let her get to you and make you feel bad about it. It seems like she is good at manipulating you. You need to draw the line. You are such a good sister to help her out when she needed it, but she isn't the boss in YOUR household. I know its hard because she is your sister and you want to keep the peace, but you need to go and have a great time. Don't let this get to you.

 

[FayeW]

I agree with al except the not taking the niece part. It is very difficult to explain to a 5 year old why all the other children in her family get to go and she doesn't (and remember, by moving her in the way that she did her mother, essentially made her one of the kids in the family) I don't think a 5 year old should be made to feel badly or left out because her mother is a lazy, selfish sack of *%$!

Keep in mind, when the OP and her family take their trip, it is highly likely that sister and neice will then be living off, I mean with , the righteously indignant boyfriend. Also keep in mind that sister has no problem taking her daughter on special outings and not including the OP's children. Not even the oldest 2 who most certainly must wonder why they were not included.

 

[sashagiselle]

Please go ahead with your original plan and if your sister is upset then she will just have to be upset, your family (husband and kids) come first. I know you love your sister, but she obviously knows it and uses it to her full advantage. I am all about keeping the peace too, so while others may disagree, I would probably do up a word document or spreadsheet showing the dates, hotel and other things you plan do and tell her that they are welcome to go. (on their own dime of course). That will show that you are being firm about keeping your original plan yet are giving her an "in" if she really wants to go. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

 

[Cory's Gal]

I think it as great you want to go to WDW with just your family, especially the first time. She should not expect to go with and instead, as a loving sister, she should just be happy for you and your family. Take the trip without her, it will be a nice break and something special for your kids to be with just mom and dad and not the extended family. I don't think you are being selfish at all, and I know how crappy I feel when I fight with my sister, but you need to put your needs and your own family needs first, you have given plenty of love and support to your sister. She has her own little family with her daughter and bf, she shouldn't always expect to be grouped together with you.

 

[2Kds2K9]

FayeW said it perfectly. You have done everything for your sister short of physically feeding her and wiping her butt! It is time for your sister to grow up and accept the responsibilities of being an adult. Sounds like she's always been taken care of: Mom and Dad, Husband, you and DH, now her Boyfriend. She needs to stand on her own and this just might be the turning point in her life.

Regarding taking your niece. It would be very dissapointing to your niece and probably your DD too, but she needs to stay home with her mother. Not to sound too harsh, but life does have it's dissapointments and this might be the time the little ones start to learn about them. She will get over it and will be starting to plan for the big family vacation soon enough. Your DD can bring home maps and they can work out their strategy for next time. It can be done in a positive way.

Agreeing with the majority here. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and should not feel the need to apologize for anything. Maybe the only thing you should aplogize for is for not helping her get out of your house and on her own sooner.

My first question in all of this was had this been a year or two ago, when she was still married, would you have felt the need to include them in your family vacation? Have you always vacationed together? If so, then she might feel the need to be included. But if this is not the norm, then don't make it the norm.

Go ahead and plan your family vacation with your beautiful kids and plan it during a time when you are able to take it. Don't even consider her schedule.

Good luck and enjoy!

 

[jnzimm]

No apology, no explanation, no feeling sorry for her... Going to Disney or any where else for that matter is not a right it is a privelidge. Tell sis an bf to start saving their pennies and some day they can go. If she was still married would you be getting the same reaction? Its time for sis to grow up and move out and time for you and your husband to quit enabling this behavior by taking care of her. She is very needy. You take care of her till she finds new bf to take care of her. She has lived with you for over 6 months based on your post. Time to cut her loose she has worn out her welcome and is never going to be able to take care of herself, why should she everyone else is. I will step down off my soap box now. Its just when is everyone going to realize we all make decisions that affect our lives both a poitive and negative way and no one else is to blame for our situations.

 

[TraceyDisney2008]

A family needs to make memories that are just theirs, there is nothing wrong with wanting to go on a trip by yourselves. Have fun with your children and your hubby.

 

[tlbwriter]

Is anybody else thinking that they would change the locks while Sis is off throwing her temper tantrum?

 

[Doc CW]

I wouldnt feel bad at all your sister is just being spoiled and probably what you have which is a husband, the ability to stay home with the kids, and going to WDW so I would chalk it up as her just being spoiled because you have her ideal life. Besides you took her in when you didnt have to, you have been extremly nice up to this point and for her to get mad at you and make you feel bad is selfish of her and not you, I would go without her and tell her too bad you shouldnt have gone to all those other places and saved your money. By the way I have a brother that is similar to your sister and believe me I know that no matter how nice you are sometimes it feels like that all they do is view how your not helping them instead of how you are helping them.

Thats just my two cents

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I have a baby sister too, so I know the protective instinct. However, your sister is walking all over you and your family. What must your kids think about how she treats you?

As a parent, I know that sometimes the best thing I can do for my child is let them learn a lesson or two on their own. The same would apply to your sister. The best thing you could do is make her stand on her own two feet and take care of business--for herself and for your neice. Catering to her is only reenforcing her sense of entitlement. I think it is time to tell your sister she needs to move out--don't sacrifice your own family for her!

 

[DznyDreams]

OH, OP, my heart hurts for you in this situation. I do agree with everyone else though - please don't give in to her. Don't change your plans, or your stance at all. Your sis needs to deal with her own emotions. Caving in to her is not going to be good for her. I know you love her, and I know this is hard, but you must take care of your own family (your own DH & children). While I understand that your sis is "your family" too, she is overstepping some serious boundaries. Do not apologize, and do not give in. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a mother and father taking their own children to Disney without feeling the need to drag along extended family members. (The former is the norm, not the later.) To me, it sounds like you have been so emotionally abused by your mom & sis throughout the years that just the simple act of standing up for your own rights leaves you feeling guilty. This is not healthy for you. Retrain your brain, OP. You have the right to a life that does not always have to include your sister. It is okay - REALLY!

 

[tzolkin]

personally i would not go with your sister even if she can afford it.

we just had our first trip and we would not have enjoyed it if it hadn't been just DH & i with our kids. we just wanted to have the freedom to go at our own pace and not worry about following someone else's schedule or feeling bad for having them follow ours. (we went back to the room for 4 hour naps, didnt stay for fireworks, etc which we would have felt guilty doing with others with us) my mom wants to plan a trip with all the family (which we may do sometime in the future), but we wanted this to be just for "us". even my MIL (who is a single person and lives in FL!) did not come with us.

fortunately my sister (similar situation) was more understanding than yours. my niece is still a baby though so she didn't know she was missing out and my sister plans to save and plan a trip with the whole extended family to save money.

hopefully you can escape from the extended family drama and enjoy some private time with your DH & kids on your vacation.

 

[badblackpug]

On the other hand, the child needs to learn that she does not get to have and do everything that other people have and do. The OP has provided a safe home for her - that's more than enough. She should not feel pressured into providing the "extras" for her as well.

The child is 5. Life lessons aside, WDW is a VERY big deal to a 5 year old. She doesn't understand the expense and she doesn't understand that her mother has issues. All she knows is that all the other kids in the house are going and she is not, for whatever reason. She lives amonst the other children as a sibling, (and I give th OP much praise for taking her in and including her as she has done) and for me it would be very hard to exclude her. I am simply trying to spare the feelings of a child that cannot possibly understand the complicated relationships amongst the adults. Now if the mother were to say that she she couldn't go without her, then that is the mothers' issue. But the OP should extend the invite in all fairness to the child. I don't think it's fair for the adults to play tit for tat when it comes to the children.

 

[GrowingUpDisney]

I have not read the entire thread - just the OP. My answer to your question of whether or not YOU are being selfish - ABSOLUTELY NOT. Your sister is being completely selfish. You have completely changed your life and your family's life by having her come live with you during this horrible time in her life. God forbid you do anything just for your family.

I say continue with your plans as scheduled and if she cannot handle it, she is welcome to move on in with her BF. She, IMO, is being ridiculous.

 

[letthewookiewin]

Is anybody else thinking that they would change the locks while Sis is off throwing her temper tantrum?

That's what I was just thinking. If it were me, I wouldn't want to leave her with my house with her being mad that you didn't pay for her to go.
It sounds like your sister has mastered the art of manipulation. IMO, it's not really about the neice getting to go b/c your children are her only cousins, but your sister just wants a free trip from you. Some people will use anything they can to manipulate you to do what they want. To them it doesn't matter how they have to do it as long as they get what they want. She is using her daughter as the tool to get the free trip b/c she thinks that is the thing that will get her the trip.
My DH's younger brother has a son that the only cousins he has anything to do with are my DS's, and he is an only child. They don't have anything to do with her family, and they don't have anything to do with my DH's sister's family. We are planning our 3rd family trip to WDW this December. I would love to be able to take my nephew, but it's more important for his parents to be there on his first trip. Like you we are planning a trip this year with just our family, but we are also going on a Grand Gathering next year that will include the nephew. He knows we are going this year, and hears us talking about going. I just keep telling him that he will get to go next year, and that I promise to make that trip special with lots of suprises. I plan on bringing back maps for him, and taking tons of pictures.
Are you being selfish? If you define being selfish as doing everything for your sister but her own bodily functions, then yes you are. Seriously though, you and your DH are closer to saint hood than selfish. My sister moved in with us for 3 weeks this summer. She was moving from New Orleans to Texas, and her hubby stayed behind to pack up. She not only had a job, but she even had an address to the apartment they were moving into at the end of the month. I thought my DH was going to go crazy. You must have a great man to do all your family has done for her without kicking her out.
Go and have a magical time and make some great memories with your family!!