Am I being selfish?

[Kenenitz]

World war III erupted in my living room this evening, to the point where my sister actually packed up an overnight bag and left with my niece. I have been sitting here reading posts and trying to just get my mind off of things, but to honest, some of the stuff she says is really making me upset and I feel the need to seek advice and vent. It's disney related so even more reason to post here. It's kinda long.. sorry..

Let me preface this by saying I love my sister. She is one of my best friends and there is nothing she doesn't know about me. I will say however that she can be a little selfish and self centered at times... but then again who can't. I've jipped Dh out of the last piece of cheesecake.. i don't think I am a horrible person for it!

Anyway, she left her dh last year and has been living with me ever since. We moved my niece in with my oldest daughter and converted more than 50% of my lovely oversized garage ( formerly dh's workshop and workout room ) into a bedroom with a separate entrance. Yeah I know, we rock. LOL jk

Ok to the point, she found out tonight when she came home we were planning a Disney trip. Now it's not like I was particularly keeping it from her, I just haven't had a chance to sit down and tell her.. I was looking for the right time and way to bring it up. Plus she is seeing someone now and spends a lot of time with him and at his place and I don't see her as often. So tonight, she came in the door and I was in the bathroom cleaning up from teeth brushing time and she saw my planning dvd and brochures, notes from all the websites etc..

She's not happy. Basically the fight is for two reasons. First of all, my parents were thinking of planning a trip for Oct 2010. They informed us that they would like to do a family gathering type of vacation with our immediate family AND my grandmother and my one aunt and uncle and their family. It's a nice plan but if you'd met my mother, you'd understand why we want to take the kids for the first time ourselves, even if they are footing the bill. Plus it's a little over 2 years away. Lexi will already be ten. I don't want to wait any longer.. we already put it off because we built the bedroom and took on more responsibilities with having my sister and niece move in. In fact, we'd be leaving in about two months, had we stuck to our original plan.

Second she feels its selfish of us to go to disney now when she can't afford to take my niece. I would honestly have no problems taking her if we could afford to and we probably could and I told my sis that, but she of course wants to be there the first time she goes. ( and I of course don't blame her, I wouldn't want to miss my kids first visit either ) She went on and on about how Jayda has been waiting to go to disney for "forever". And flipped out when I reminded her that her daughter is turning 5 next month, mine is turning 8 this year, so she's been waiting even longer. And as much as would love to include her and my niece, we just can't.

Now while I can appreciate her stance on not having the money as a single mom, she is practically living with her new bf since the summer and is contemplating moving in with him before school starts in the fall. He works full time, as does she and she gets support for her daughter. And her new bf, pays for everything.. including her cell phone and car insurance. she has no rent, nor does he because he inherited his house. She owns her car and so does he. We on the other hand have more bills and way more kids.. lol and only my dh works. If we can save and go, why can't she save enough in the next 8 months to go ?

We finally got things calmed down and dh offered to schedule the vacation in October '09. which means missing a week of school for him, just to try to smooth things over. Thus giving my sister 14 months to save the money to go. My sister instead wants us to wait until her daughter is a little older to appreciate it more. Like TWO YEARS, when my parents are footing the bill.

Her argument is that her daughter has no other cousins or siblings and our going without her is leaving her out. I raised the point that we canceled a beach trip this summer for lack of funds and she still went to the beach.. with her daughter.. compliments of the BF. She has also been to the baltimore aquarium, two amusement parks and a water park all without my kids. She feels that is completely different, because we have FOUR kids.

She really thinks I am being horrible and nasty. As a matter of fact, her BF texted me while I was writing this and said, Thanks Jenn, your sister is heart broken over this. I feel horrible. I keep trying to figure out if we really are being selfish. I realize we talked about going as a family, but at the same time... well to be blunt, my mom is mean.

My mom is a complete control freak, she is overbearing, domineering and her favorite thing to do is criticize people... esp me. It takes dh A LOT sometimes not to freak out and say something. So my first visit to disney, I would like to be with my kids, my dh and me... not with my mom who will play the " I paid for this vacation so we are going to go where I want to go, when I want to go card".

Am I being selfish to not wait until 2010? I mean her BF's text really made me feel crappy and mean, but at the same time, if he is so in love with her then why doesn't he put up the funds. That's another thing my dh said, he's not footing the bill for her and the BF to go next year. They are adults, they have jobs, and if it is that important they can find a way to put the money aside. It's months away, if she does move in, then he'll certainly be going as well, so there is plenty of time. Plus dh says he doesn't understand why she feels entitled to encroach on our vacation anyway. He gets aggravated with her quickly and her sense of entitlement. ( I have to admit I thought her presence would be a godsend, esp with a new baby..to help with this and that.. etc. Instead, I feel like I added two kids, since I cook for them, clean for them, wash their clothes for them, pay for them... you get the idea.. )

I guess I have have reached the whining threshold for the next year with this post.. but I really am feeling conflicted. I mean she IS my little sister and it is my only niece, but aren't we entitled to be alone as a family sometimes too? Or is making the trip a Disney vacation pushing the envelope? I'd love to say when she gets over the shock she'll feel better but to be honest.. she isn't like that. Never has been and never will.. eventually I'll have to at the very least apologize.

I keep thinking of something my dh said too, if the tables were turned and she offered to take my only child, and my entire concern was over my kid missing out, I would give up being there, for her happiness. And he is so right. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. What would you do in this situation? what if you were in her shoes? Ok well thanks for listening if you made it this far!

 

[twooley2]

I think that if she wanted to go when you are going than she will sacrifice somewhere and make it happen. If she cant afford to go than she will have to wait. Just because she has to wait does not mean you should have to.
I have gone around with my sister about Disney and her child so much I gave up on talking and make her bring it up. (a little different situation)
It sounds as if your sister may be a bit jealous hearted. Each persons situation is different and as kids we never seen the light of disney with a single mom, hence why I love it as an adult All things happen for differnt people in their own time. I believe everything has a purpose.

 

[Goobergal99]

There are so many things I want to say but at the risk of being flamed away I will just express a few of them


For one... she is living at your house with her child and yet she feels like she has the right to make you feel bad about going on vacation without her?? I don't think so! Sister or not I would be telling her to kiss it and would be putting my children first above her and your neice. If you want to take a family trip to disney with just you, your kids and DH then you should do it. period!

Personally I think that by you pandering to her demands you are merely creating the monster and even enabling her to act this way.

Thridly if her BF is so concerned about her well being, then let him take her and her child to Disney and leave you out of it.

You have been more then accomodating to her in her time of need...

Oh and not that it is any of my business so feel free to not answer me.. but I truly hope that she takes your neice with her when she goes to stay with her BF overnight because surely you shouldn't be made responsible for that as well.... In any case good luck and GO TO DISNEY THIS YEAR!!!

 

[bumbershoot]

eventually I'll have to at the very least apologize.

Oh please don't. You've done nothing wrong, seriously. What would you say you were sorry FOR?

She has also been to the baltimore aquarium, two amusement parks and a water park all without my kids.

If she hadn't done those things, she could pretty much pay for her WDW tickets, couldn't she?



I was a kid when my aunt and her little daughter moved in after a divorce. My mom, her husband, and me and my brother lived in a *tiny* house, but aunt and cousin were in desperate times. They were supposed to be there for a month or so. They were there for, oh, at least a year. 800 square foot house. They slept in the hide-a-bed in our living room, and two bedrooms, the bathroom, and kitchen/hallway to the back bedroom all came off of the living room. It was NOT fun. My cousin was difficult as a child, too, prone to standing in the driveway screaming, as my mom said, like a tiger was eating her. My brother and I used to trump up reasons to ride our bikes to our mom's work on random summer days, just to get out of the house. It was HARD.

I can't even imagine what it would have been like if my aunt had started telling my mom how to spend her money. I can't even imagine what would have happened if she had told my mom how to spend her vacation time. Now she didn't HAVE that much vacation time, and neither did my aunt (oh yes, she got a fulltime job while living with us "for a month or so"), but if my aunt HAD done something like your sister is doing, things would have hit the fan even sooner than they did. And they did, oh they did.

IN fact, this might be the last straw to get your sister out of the house like what happened with my mom and her sister. I honestly don't even remember where she went after leaving our house (she might have moved back to her mom's in FL from our place in CA), but I know they had a big ol' fight or series of fights. Too long is too long!

I know from my friends that sisters are a strange breed. My own is 25 years younger, and therefore I don't really deal with her as a sister, but more as an alien, LOL, and I know I'm just flat out OLD to her. But friends with sisters, yikes! But sister relationship or not, what this person is demanding of you is WRONG. You've given her shelter and have likely spent money on her. She now has someone else spending money on her. She wants to go when someone ELSE will spend money on her! You, meanwhile, have the money for your bigger family to go, and you don't owe it to her to postpone.

And the boyfriend needs to stay the heck out of it. He needs to delete your number from his phone, even. I don't even have my SIL's phone number, let alone when she was just dating my brother! And I adore my SIL! There's no need for him to get into this.

Please don't apologize and please don't stop your plans.

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

I agree- what on earth is there for you to say sorry for?

I am the less wealthy sister from a 2 child family, growing up my parents did everything "fair" and equal- right down to french toast, my mother was all about sharing, being fair etc etc but life takes it's own paths- I have 4 kids and am married to a lovely man who never got a college education so therefore drives forklift in a large factory to support us, my sister was much more of a life-planner, went through uni and got her degree- she's delayed marrying (she'll be a dis-bride in a few weeks ) delayed having children to achieve that... I appreciate the fact that she's worked hard to get there.

Would i ever expect my sister to pay for a vacation for me? No, not at all- I made my life choices, she made hers- I ended up alot less affluent than she is, we struggle at times, I'm not going to lie, but they were my choices and so it's down to me to suck it up and accept that when she has kids likelihood is she'll be able to provide a lifestyle for them that my kids can't have- is it my sisters problem? No, not at all... I'm a big girl, I suck it up, accept I decided the lifepath I took and I don't sulk.

You have nothing to feel guilty about- why would you delay taking your own daughter at a "magical" age so that you can go at a more suitable age for hers? You're not being selfish by putting your own child first- you're being a mom.

I am going as part of a large family group- for my sisters wedding, it's taken alot of work and going without during the last 18 months for us to save for 6 people to get from the UK to disney and stay two weeks when we live on one forklift drivers wage but we've done it, we're going because it's real important for us to be there to see my sister get married and to give our kids an awesome vacation... it sounds like your sister could make this vacation if she wanted to but she was hoping you'd all take the free trip in a few years and her not have to explain to her daughter that life being fair doesn't always have to mean having to same as other kids.

 

[badblackpug]

Please, don't feel guilty. You have done so much for your sister already, and she should appreciate that. SHe is living rent free and bill free, thanks to you and her BF, so where is her money going? Stick to your original plans. Tell her when you are going and what dates, and where you are staying. Tell her that, although it is stretching your budget, financially, you are willing to pay for your niece, but that there is no way you can afford to pay for her, too. Tell her you would love for her to go and share this experience, but she is going to need to take the responsibility for herself if she wants to go with you.

The ball is in her court.

...and tell the BF to go scratch!

 

[imthatgirl]

well youre nicer that me, i wouldnt have even offered to change the date for her. but, i would have in the beginning went to her and said we are going to disney do you want to come. i dont think i would have just let her find out on her own.

oh and i need to ask, she lives rent free? in your home? you are WAY nicer than me!!

 

[frtchr]

You and your family definitely deserve a vacation for just YOU. Your sister doesn't have to be included in all parts of your life. Frankly, I think it's wrong that she uses your house as home-base but spends the night with her BF. That's a great lesson to teach her 5 year old DD.

Plan your vacation with your DH and your kids. You need a magical time!

 

[eliza61]

We finally got things calmed down and dh offered to schedule the vacation in October '09. which means missing a week of school for him, just to try to smooth things over. Thus giving my sister 14 months to save the money to go. My sister instead wants us to wait until her daughter is a little older to appreciate it more. Like TWO YEARS, when my parents are footing the bill.

Her argument is that her daughter has no other cousins or siblings and our going without her is leaving her out. I raised the point that we canceled a beach trip this summer for lack of funds and she still went to the beach.. with her daughter.. compliments of the BF. She has also been to the baltimore aquarium, two amusement parks and a water park all without my kids. She feels that is completely different, because we have FOUR kids.

She really thinks I am being horrible and nasty. As a matter of fact, her BF texted me while I was writing this and said, Thanks Jenn, your sister is heart broken over this. I feel horrible. I keep trying to figure out if we really are being selfish. I realize we talked about going as a family, but at the same time... well to be blunt, my mom is mean.

Please text BF and tell him to kiss your, you know what. If he is such a saint let him start offering some money
My mom is a complete control freak, she is overbearing, domineering and her favorite thing to do is criticize people... esp me. It takes dh A LOT sometimes not to freak out and say something. So my first visit to disney, I would like to be with my kids, my dh and me... not with my mom who will play the " I paid for this vacation so we are going to go where I want to go, when I want to go card".

Am I being selfish to not wait until 2010? NO! I mean her BF's text really made me feel crappy and mean, but at the same time, if he is so in love with her then why doesn't he put up the funds. That's another thing my dh said, he's not footing the bill for her and the BF to go next year. Good for you hubby!!They are adults, they have jobs, and if it is that important they can find a way to put the money aside. It's months away, if she does move in, then he'll certainly be going as well, so there is plenty of time. Plus dh says he doesn't understand why she feels entitled to encroach on our vacation anyway. He gets aggravated with her quickly and her sense of entitlement. ( I have to admit I thought her presence would be a godsend, esp with a new baby..to help with this and that.. etc. Instead, I feel like I added two kids, since I cook for them, clean for them, wash their clothes for them, pay for them... you get the idea.. )


I keep thinking of something my dh said too, if the tables were turned and she offered to take my only child, and my entire concern was over my kid missing out, I would give up being there, for her happiness. And he is so right. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. What would you do in this situation? what if you were in her shoes? Ok well thanks for listening if you made it this far!

First of all, I love the pictures of your kids. Love the mini diva in the hat!
Next, why isn't little miss sunshine working her butt off to get her own place, Excuse me, right now Disneyworld should be at the bottom of the list, or am I missing some thing.

Darling, I too have the most self centered sibling known to God. Let me let you in on a little secret. Nothing short of you paying for the entire trip is going to make sunshine happy. Believe me, I was in almost an identical situation not so long ago.

You know, unfortunately when we become adults and have kids we sacrifice for our kids. You pick sis up at the lowest part of her life. Her & her kid now have a roof over their heads because of the sacrifices you and your family made.
I'm sorry to be so forceful ( I wish you could see the steam coming out of my head. ) but my sis played this guilt, selfish trip on me for 5 years.

Listen, I know you love your sis and I love mine also but you know what- some people we have to love from a distance for short intervals of time.

Make your plans, tell your sis you love her but kiss off.

P.S. As with other selfish parents, she is using her daughter as a weapon. nothing more. If she was so concerned about her daughter going, she would be cleaning floors, pumping gas, waiting tables and maybe pole dancing to get that kid on a plane.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Don't feel bad at all...Go with your family. You have done an awful lot for her and she should feel grateful. I think both her and the BF are very wrong for making you feel bad.

 

[dmslush]

You have done nothing wrong. What are you going to apoligise for? Planning a vacation for your family???? Isn't that what most people do. You don't owe your sister or your neice anything. My mother has 7 siblings, and we were always the poor ones. All of my cousins went to disney, the beach, etc.. and no one ever took my brother and myself. We never felt that they should. That was a time for their family.

You should have texted the boyfriend back and asked him if he is willing to foot the bill.

Plan your trip, and have fun doing it!

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

Excuse me for being blunt, but the only thing that you have done wrong is to let your Sis take advantage of you!
Honestly, she has no right to tell your family that you need to tailor your vacation to her needs.
And stop doing all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry for her! You are her sister, not her personal servant!

 

[vicki845]

Excuse me for being blunt, but the only thing that you have done wrong is to let your Sis take advantage of you!
Honestly, she has no right to tell your family that you need to tailor your vacation to her needs.
And stop doing all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry for her! You are her sister, not her personal servant!

I have to agree with this poster! You have nothing to be sorry about! In any relationship there needs to be boundaries, lines that you don't cross and it sounds to me like she has crossed a few. If she is so concerned about her daughter's feeling than she needs to either save up the money or wait to 2010. She is trying to control you which is wrong. Take it from me I know I have a self centered brother. I know you love your sister and neice and their your family but even with families you need to draw the line. I also think you shouldn't be doing the laundry,cooking and cleaning for them but as long as you don't mind than it's okay. If you do mind and doing it anyway beacuse you think that's the right thing to do than eventually you will become resentful which you don't want to happen. kwim. I also think it wrong and selfish of her to put you in the situation where she wants you to postphone your vacation. She should be grateful that she has a goiod sister who took her and her daughter in. You rearranged your live to accomadate her, you cook and clean for her. She should be happy that you are going to disney instead she is putting you in this sitution. Sounds to me she has a lot of growing up to do!

Enjoy your trip guilt free!

 

[bellebud]

she is your "little" sister, and it really shows. she's acting like a child. I know it's hard - she's your baby sis and you love her. But her self-centered nature is really showing. And that's fine, like you said - all of us have our personality quirks, and thank god our family and friends put up with us! LOL!

It's one thing to love her and accept her just as she is, but it's another thing to allow her personality 'quirks' to rule your life and your dh's and children's lives. That's going tooooooo far.

SO... please, please, please go to disney as you planned w/ your dh and 4 kids!

Whatever happens between you and her because of you taking a vacation with your family - well, it would happen at one time or another over something else. You cannot allow her to dictate what you do with your family.

And don't do your first disney trip w/ your mom - from what you describe, it probably will not be what you want for a first trip. That trip with all your extended family will probably go much better anyway if you get your first trip done w/ just your dh and kids. Then you would feel so much like *oh, we have to do this - it's our first trip!*, and you won't feel like you're missing out if you can't do all you want because of other people in your group.

Good luck - you and your dh are great people!

 

[RMulieri]

Don't you dare apologize...you have done nothing wrong.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

You are NOT being selfish. Your sister is being immature and manipulative. If you and your DH and kids are planning a trip that is FINE!! Your sister can get over it or she can pout. Do not allow her to make you feel guilty.

 

[labdogs42]

You should not change your plans in any way for your sister. Go when you were planing to go and ENJOY yourselves! You DO deserve to have the vacation of your dreams with just you, your DH, and your kids. Then deal with all the family crap on that trip with your mom (if it ever happens).

 

[RumpleMom]

Your first priority is to your husband and children. You want to keep your marriage in good shape.

Your sister needs to act like an adult. You aren't her mother. She should be giving you money for rent ( doesn't have to be much, but it is a grown-up's responsibility to pay for where they live), she should be doing her and her daughter's laundry and giving you money toward groceries. Maybe you have so much money that you really don't need her money, so then just save it up and give it back to her daughter someday for college expenses.

Our DD graduated from college and lived at home while working. She paid us a small amount of rent because that's what an adult does. It's not like we were going to rent out her room. We saved up the money she gave us and gave it back to her for her wedding.

 

[lady browning]

Sounds unanimous to me, you have done nothing to feel bad about, nor apologize for. Your sister is incapable of seeing the whole picture. Too focused on herself. Sounds like Mommy might be the same way. Do not change your dates, in fact, reinforce them. Take your first trip to WDW with your family and don't look back. You will have a wonderful time and so will your daughter. Go in 2010 with the grand family if YOU choose to. Life is too short to let someone else dictate to you how to live it, least of all someone who has taken full advantage of hospitality and been ungrateful about it.

 

[tlbwriter]

P.S. As with other selfish parents, she is using her daughter as a weapon. nothing more. If she was so concerned about her daughter going, she would be cleaning floors, pumping gas, waiting tables and maybe pole dancing to get that kid on a plane.

Absofreakinglutely. She is selfish to the core, is using you horribly (hello, you remodeled your house to make room for her and she still demands more?), and will stoop to anything (including using her own child as a weapon) to get what she wants. It is not a coincidence that she wants you to "postpone" your trip until the time your parents were planning to take everyone. She doesn't want you to postpone, she wants you to cancel, so you cannot go before/without her. Please don't do it - don't even keep your offer to reschedule, and DO NOT APOLOGIZE!