...

[ChrisnSteph]

I married him and he is very good to me. He made a very stupid mistake but he is still my husband. He knows that was his only mistake like that he is allowed. I think if he had real sex, not cyber, I would not have not been as nice. I would have left. I am not afraid of being alone financially or other wise. Before him I was a single mom for about 4 yrs. No dates, no sex, no financial aid. Just me and my boys, I was fine w/ that.

Ok, but you did say in your post that the cyber sex had been a regular thing and you considered it cheating. I think getting yourself off to someone via a live feed/chat on the internet is just as bad as the real deal, so you're much more forgiving than I would be.

 

[NMAmy]

To the OP: This is just a horrible situation that you're in and I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ex had an affair and he lied to me so much about it and was so convincing in his denials that I was beginning to doubt my sanity.

My advice to you is to go to a therapist to sort out your own feelings and get some objective advice. If you decide you want to stay in the marriage, then consider some couples counseling.

My very best wishes to you. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[djm99]

I agree with the first part, but not the second..

Not me...I couldn't be happy knowing that I was hiding my head in the sand. She already has the 'feeling' it won't go just go away.

I understand ladies what you are saying. I've just been there. And its one of my biggest regrets. I allowed my curiosity to get the best of me and my entire life changed within those few seconds. Some days I wish I didn't go looking. When I walked out that room (looking for trouble) only one person walked away hurting, me. Everyone else involved would far out of this situation okay. I'm the only one in doubt, insecure, and scared. Just me. So, yes, I don't want to know. Cause it can't hurt me. Now, I don't want to be made a fool of, but that's a whole new story.

 

[Disney Ella]

You are certainly in a difficult situation. One thing that would concern me is his excuse that your sex life was suffering when your son was young. You are going to have the same situation when the twins are born. How does he plan on handling it this time? It will be hard to trust him again and counseling, if he will go, does sound like a good idea.

 

[WDW~Lover]

I could not stay with him if there was even a question of cheating involved. I was involved with someone off and on for 30 years, but I knew he is was cheat, they very rarely change and if he has had that thought.

Then I personally would not stand for it. I would NEVER have trust in him, and I would ALWAYS have that feeling of a monkey on my back with him.

You are young, and have the chance to start over. For all you know, he could have erased all the "emails" that he did not want you to see. Him leaving what he did on the computer makes me think that he wanted to get caught....

just IMO, which has been through it and seen it for many years. A leopard does not change his spots.
I wish you luck and think you should move on...and find someone that only has eyes for you!

 

[grlpwrd]

I married him and he is very good to me. He made a very stupid mistake but he is still my husband. He knows that was his only mistake like that he is allowed. I think if he had real sex, not cyber, I would not have not been as nice. I would have left. I am not afraid of being alone financially or other wise. Before him I was a single mom for about 4 yrs. No dates, no sex, no financial aid. Just me and my boys, I was fine w/ that.

A lot of professionals say an emotional affair is just as intense as a physical one. I consider that the same thing, really.

I guess with the wide variety of responses, definitions of cheating, and tolerance levels it's really something that one has to consider what is best for them. Infidelity of any kind - including emotional affairs including cybering - is a deal breaker for me. Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater.

If it were me, I would ask myself what would I tell my daughter. I know I would never want them to settle for less and that is what I go by.

OP, if you decide to work on the marriage and stay together, another resource is www.marriagebuilders.com .

GL!

 

[vettechick99]

Go to therapy. If he's willing to give 110%, there is hope for your family. In fact, you both owe it to your family to try.

GL!

 

[mumom95]

I married him and he is very good to me.

I'm not so sure if my husband had cheated on me I would say he is very good to me, but that's just me.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. My only advice is to go with your gut feeling on this. I'm not sure a relationship can make it if there isn't trust, so you are going to have to dig deep down and see if you will be able to trust him again. For some people cheating is a deal breaker, for others it isn't. And you are in a hard position, because you don't know if anything ever actually happened.

It isn't going to be an easy decision, and one that once you make it, I'm sure you are going to question for some time whether or not you made the right one. But somewhere deep down in side of you the answer is there.

I know this didn't help a lot, it was just more to lend moral support.

 

[douglisa]

I understand ladies what you are saying. I've just been there. And its one of my biggest regrets. I allowed my curiosity to get the best of me and my entire life changed within those few seconds. Some days I wish I didn't go looking. When I walked out that room (looking for trouble) only one person walked away hurting, me. Everyone else involved would far out of this situation okay. I'm the only one in doubt, insecure, and scared. Just me. So, yes, I don't want to know. Cause it can't hurt me. Now, I don't want to be made a fool of, but that's a whole new story.

 

[douglisa]

I'm not so sure if my husband had cheated on me I would say he is very good to me, but that's just me.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. My only advice is to go with your gut feeling on this. I'm not sure a relationship can make it if there isn't trust, so you are going to have to dig deep down and see if you will be able to trust him again. For some people cheating is a deal breaker, for others it isn't. And you are in a hard position, because you don't know if anything ever actually happened.

It isn't going to be an easy decision, and one that once you make it, I'm sure you are going to question for some time whether or not you made the right one. But somewhere deep down in side of you the answer is there.

I know this didn't help a lot, it was just more to lend moral support.

Why throw a 4 yr marriage away for one mistake? He made a mistake that he understands he is never allowed to make again. Yes he is good to me. My coworkers joke that he is whooped. He is not he just spoils me. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how he loves me. He opens doors, has never raised his voice to me, fuels my car, brings me dinner to my work, rubs my feet w/out asking. Sometimes he has brain farts and does stupid things, but don't we all? But then this really is not about me, more important the op can see how others may handle the situation and handle it from there. Op, has he ever cheated on you before that you know of? Is he normally a good husband? Those are two of the biggest issues to look at here. Only you know yourself and your husband. To thine own self be true.

 

[mickeyboat]

Denae

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP I am sorry you are going through this. Nobody can tell you what to do. However I am really annoyed that he used your physical relationship as an excuse. It takes 2 to make that work. If he really was that vested in your relationship then he would have come to you and told you he needed more etc. Go with your instincts and gut feeling they are seldomly wrong. If you are going to have doubt every time he is on the computer or is 5 minutes late or you can't reach him on the phone then you have to decide if you are okay with that. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

DougLisa- I'm glad you are happy and I am not flaming but IMO a grown man not having computer privelages unless you monitor them would be a deal breaker for me. Good for you if you are happy and I really mean that.

 

[Missy1961]

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

I think counseling is in order. If your husband won't go, then go yourself.

If he flirted with the idea, but didn't go through with it, then his morals are pretty much in place. He still loves you. Marriage difficulties are rarely one sided. See a counselor and see what the base problem is in your marriage. Then decide if it is worth working on or not.

And again, remember, at 6 weeks of pregnancy, your hormones are all over the place. New pregnancies tend to make people extremely emotional and not quite as rational.

I would recommend not making any hasty decisions and let a counselor help you sort out your feelings and what is the truth and what is not.

 

[mikehn]

I dont have any advice for you. Just wanted to wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

 

[mumom95]

Why throw a 4 yr marriage away for one mistake? He made a mistake that he understands he is never allowed to make again. Yes he is good to me. My coworkers joke that he is whooped. He is not he just spoils me. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how he loves me. He opens doors, has never raised his voice to me, fuels my car, brings me dinner to my work, rubs my feet w/out asking. Sometimes he has brain farts and does stupid things, but don't we all? But then this really is not about me, more important the op can see how others may handle the situation and handle it from there. Op, has he ever cheated on you before that you know of? Is he normally a good husband? Those are two of the biggest issues to look at here. Only you know yourself and your husband. To thine own self be true.

I never said throw away a marriage for one mistake. I said in my opinion a husband who cheats on his wife is not being a good husband.

 

[TnTsParty]

I never said throw away a marriage for one mistake. I said in my opinion a husband who cheats on his wife is not being a good husband.

I would have to agree with you on that.

 

[CraftyMouse]

Why throw a 4 yr marriage away for one mistake? He made a mistake that he understands he is never allowed to make again.

No offense, and to each his/her own, but I don't expect my husband not to cheat because he isn't allowed to. I expect him not to cheat because he doesn't want to...because he loves and respects me. Cheating is cheating and even one instance would be enough for me to end our 17 year marriage...although he would be the one who threw it away, not me.

And to the poster that asked...the saying is "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

[wdw4life]

I understand ladies what you are saying. I've just been there. And its one of my biggest regrets. I allowed my curiosity to get the best of me and my entire life changed within those few seconds. Some days I wish I didn't go looking. When I walked out that room (looking for trouble) only one person walked away hurting, me. Everyone else involved would far out of this situation okay. I'm the only one in doubt, insecure, and scared. Just me. So, yes, I don't want to know. Cause it can't hurt me. Now, I don't want to be made a fool of, but that's a whole new story.

Bolding mine. I can't really comment about the OP because it was erased before I read this thread. I do, however, want to comment on the what I don't know can't hurt me remark. Emotionally it may not hurt you but it certainly can physically. One of the first things a woman should do after finding out her husband has been having a PA is to be tested for Stds/HIV. Chances are he had unprotected sex with the AP and you (general you) need to make sure he has not given you any diseases. Ignorance is not always bliss.

 

[darlak]

For me, an online affair would be every bit as bad as an affair IRL. It screams that they felt the need to go outside of your relationship looking for an emotional connection that they didn't feel with you. Personally, I could forgive the broken trust that results from the physical affair before I could forgive the online affair.

OP, no one can make this decision for you and I wish you the greatest happiness whatever you decide.