Charging guests for a wedding after party

[MataHari22]

Nope. Nope, and furthermore, no way.

 

[elaine amj]

Don't know about an after party. I've been to several weddings where the soon to be married were unapologetically requesting cash. I actually worked at one place where I was invited to a coworker's wedding party and when I asked what the typically gift was (he was originally from Vietnam) and he said cash. His sister in law also worked there and she was saying that all the money they collected from her wedding basically paid for the wedding and party, with some left over. I specifically asked if I could go to the actual wedding ceremony. He came by my desk once, handed me the invitation, and asked me to keep quiet about it. I attended the ceremony and only one other coworker was there. It wasn't a huge space, so I think I understood the issue. However, there were about 25 coworker's at the reception. My gift was $100.

Not sure about essentially asking for guests to attend a casual after party to finance the bigger party. If they didn't specifically come to people to try and keep it quiet, they're going to find out.

I know in some cultures a wedding ceremony is typically a low key affair, but where the emphasis is on having a big party where lots of guests are invited. That was the basic premise of Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet.

Where I come from, this is the norm. Not everyone invited to the reception is invited to the wedding. Growing up, I had attended a bunch of receptions but not a single wedding.

For my brother's wedding (a big affair), most ppl invited to the wedding were not invited to the reception and vice versa. Mostly just the wedding party, immediate family, and very close friends and relatives came to both. Wedding guests were provided a nice lunch while reception guests had the formal sit down dinner.

Gifts were primarily cash (cover your plate is the norm) and used to pay for the wedding dinner. My brother got to keep the extra. That said, wedding showers are not a thing. It has taken me years to understand that I am supposed to buy a wedding shower gift AND give cash when attending a reception. For ages I honestly thought it was one or the other. I feel guilty now. I gave my niece a $400 hall table (that she asked for) for her shower but didn't give a cash gift for her wedding itself since my plan was to spend $400 total on her wedding.

 

[DawnM]

Ridiculous. I would not only have turned away and left, but I would have written a scathing letter.

You simply do NOT do that. You either tell people up front that there is a super high charge and let them decide or you don't have a 2nd party.

How incredibly rude.

 

[aprilgail]

Where I come from, this is the norm. Not everyone invited to the reception is invited to the wedding. Growing up, I had attended a bunch of receptions but not a single wedding.

Wow that is different. Here the church is a church so even if you are not invited you can still go to the wedding part! Typically if you are invited to the wedding then you are invited to the reception- what a slap in the face it would be to say "hey you can come to my wedding but you are not good enough to come to the reception". And all gifts are separate- engagement party, shower and wedding. If you are invited to the shower then you are invited to the wedding & reception and its 3 gifts for the one event- if you are unlucky enough to have to go to the bachelorette then add that gift in there too!

 

[elaine amj]

And all gifts are separate- engagement party, shower and wedding. If you are invited to the shower then you are invited to the wedding & reception and its 3 gifts for the one event- if you are unlucky enough to have to go to the bachelorette then add that gift in there too!

Yep - very different cultural norms.

But wait a second - I understand now that a shower gift is separate from the wedding gift. But do you mean that if you go to the wedding and the reception you have to give separate gifts too?
So:
shower: 1 gift
wedding: 1 gift
reception: 1 gift

*sigh* I have definitely made way too many wedding faux pax. I would have remained in total ignorance if not for the Dis lol!

For my own wedding here in Canada, I didn't have a shower and only got one set of gifts from attendees (who were invited to both the wedding and the reception) - either cash or something off my registry. DH's co-workers threw him a shower, I don't think gifts were involved. If there were gifts, they were small tokens/knick knacks. Definitely not registry-type stuff. My "bachelorette" was a low scale dinner out with my mom and bridesmaids and I think either I paid or we went dutch. My DH's friends threw him a bachelor party but he got no gifts - possibly they covered his dinner. Just never imagined so many gifts could be involved for one single occasion!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Yep - very different cultural norms.

But wait a second - I understand now that a shower gift is separate from the wedding gift. But do you mean that if you go to the wedding and the reception you have to give separate gifts too?
So:
shower: 1 gift
wedding: 1 gift
reception: 1 gift

*sigh* I have definitely made way too many wedding faux pax. I would have remained in total ignorance if not for the Dis lol!

For my own wedding here in Canada, I didn't have a shower and only got one set of gifts from attendees (who were invited to both the wedding and the reception) - either cash or something off my registry. DH's co-workers threw him a shower, I don't think gifts were involved. If there were gifts, they were small tokens/knick knacks. Definitely not registry-type stuff. My "bachelorette" was a low scale dinner out with my mom and bridesmaids and I think either I paid or we went dutch. My DH's friends threw him a bachelor party but he got no gifts - possibly they covered his dinner. Just never imagined so many gifts could be involved for one single occasion!

Engagement party - gift (these aren't that common around here)
Shower - gift
Wedding/reception - gift
Bachelorette party - we never do a gift but the bridal party usually splits the cost of the bride.

I think it's a lot to ask of people. I've declined bridal showers because I don't want to have to take ANOTHER gift. Especially when the couple already lives together and has no registry. They are plainly looking for cash. It just becomes too much. I always give cash at the wedding.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Wow that is different. Here the church is a church so even if you are not invited you can still go to the wedding part! Typically if you are invited to the wedding then you are invited to the reception- what a slap in the face it would be to say "hey you can come to my wedding but you are not good enough to come to the reception". And all gifts are separate- engagement party, shower and wedding. If you are invited to the shower then you are invited to the wedding & reception and its 3 gifts for the one event- if you are unlucky enough to have to go to the bachelorette then add that gift in there too!

I like bachelorette parties. But I like to party. I like bachelorette parties where I'm not part of the bridal party so no planning was involved on my part. I just show up and have a good time and I don't have to pay for the bride! I'll just buy her a drink here or there and I'm done. The one time I had to plan a bachelorette party as a bridesmaid it turned out to be a disaster and we all split her portion.

 

[bcla]

I like bachelorette parties. But I like to party. I like bachelorette parties where I'm not part of the bridal party so no planning was involved on my part. I just show up and have a good time and I don't have to pay for the bride! I'll just buy her a drink here or there and I'm done. The one time I had to plan a bachelorette party as a bridesmaid it turned out to be a disaster and we all split her portion.

We'll, I've been to a bachelor party at someone's home where nobody was expected to chip in for the food. However, we had "entertainment", which was not paid by the host. The "entertainer" took "donations" from the guests for the level of "entertainment" provided. I won't go into details.

 

[RedAngie]

We'll, I've been to a bachelor party at someone's home where nobody was expected to chip in for the food. However, we had "entertainment", which was not paid by the host. The "entertainer" took "donations" from the guests for the level of "entertainment" provided. I won't go into details.

I'm sure we all understand exactly what you're referring to.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

We'll, I've been to a bachelor party at someone's home where nobody was expected to chip in for the food. However, we had "entertainment", which was not paid by the host. The "entertainer" took "donations" from the guests for the level of "entertainment" provided. I won't go into details.

Well someone paid for the entertainment to arrive. I guess all extras are on a per person donation basis. lol

 

[aprilgail]

Yep - very different cultural norms.

But wait a second - I understand now that a shower gift is separate from the wedding gift. But do you mean that if you go to the wedding and the reception you have to give separate gifts too?
So:
shower: 1 gift
wedding: 1 gift
reception: 1 gift

*sigh* I have definitely made way too many wedding faux pax. I would have remained in total ignorance if not for the Dis lol!

!

no no- wedding and reception are ONE gift-- engagement party-gift, bridal shower-one gift, wedding/reception-ONE gift.

 

[kimblebee]

Man, I am about to blow you guys away and have pearl clutching go up by 100%.

Where I live (Manitoba), it is standard to have a party a few months before the wedding to help pay for it. It's called a social (you can even Wiki it)

Tickets are $10 and there is also a huge silent auction (grand prizes are tvs, fire pits, bbbqs..higher ticket items) regular prizes are kitchen themed, movie night basket..that type of thing. You also pay for drinks (mix is free) AND there's also a 50/50 and a 'perfume' draw (you can't legally auction off liquor so it's called perfume).

There's dancing and a small speech by the bride and groom to be. There's a DJ and a light show too.

Now, the most important part..attendance isn't limited to family and friends. It's for ANYONE who hears about it and wants to go. All you have to do is pay for the ticket. Usually it's a friend of a friends brother or aunt or something but I have been to many socials for people I didn't know.

I'm not a drinker but I LOVE silent auctions. Usually I'll put $40 or so on tickets. Yep, I willingly spend $50 for a strangers wedding. Why? Because it's tradition and someone I don't know spent $50 at my social..

It works for us and no one complains.

Just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't make it tacky. It just makes it different.

 

[dish rag]

It would be difficult for me to ask guests to pay.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Man, I am about to blow you guys away and have pearl clutching go up by 100%.

Where I live (Manitoba), it is standard to have a party a few months before the wedding to help pay for it. It's called a social (you can even Wiki it)

Tickets are $10 and there is also a huge silent auction (grand prizes are tvs, fire pits, bbbqs..higher ticket items) regular prizes are kitchen themed, movie night basket..that type of thing. You also pay for drinks (mix is free) AND there's also a 50/50 and a 'perfume' draw (you can't legally auction off liquor so it's called perfume).

There's dancing and a small speech by the bride and groom to be. There's a DJ and a light show too.

Now, the most important part..attendance isn't limited to family and friends. It's for ANYONE who hears about it and wants to go. All you have to do is pay for the ticket. Usually it's a friend of a friends brother or aunt or something but I have been to many socials for people I didn't know.

I'm not a drinker but I LOVE silent auctions. Usually I'll put $40 or so on tickets. Yep, I willingly spend $50 for a strangers wedding. Why? Because it's tradition and someone I don't know spent $50 at my social..

It works for us and no one complains.

Just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't make it tacky. It just makes it different.

It sounds like a good night out. I'm a sucker for silent auctions.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

Man, I am about to blow you guys away and have pearl clutching go up by 100%.

Where I live (Manitoba), it is standard to have a party a few months before the wedding to help pay for it. It's called a social (you can even Wiki it)

Tickets are $10 and there is also a huge silent auction (grand prizes are tvs, fire pits, bbbqs..higher ticket items) regular prizes are kitchen themed, movie night basket..that type of thing. You also pay for drinks (mix is free) AND there's also a 50/50 and a 'perfume' draw (you can't legally auction off liquor so it's called perfume).

There's dancing and a small speech by the bride and groom to be. There's a DJ and a light show too.

Now, the most important part..attendance isn't limited to family and friends. It's for ANYONE who hears about it and wants to go. All you have to do is pay for the ticket. Usually it's a friend of a friends brother or aunt or something but I have been to many socials for people I didn't know.

I'm not a drinker but I LOVE silent auctions. Usually I'll put $40 or so on tickets. Yep, I willingly spend $50 for a strangers wedding. Why? Because it's tradition and someone I don't know spent $50 at my social..

It works for us and no one complains.

Just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't make it tacky. It just makes it different.

See, that sounds like a good idea to me, and i have no problem with it. It's totally different to know up front what you are getting into that to blindside someone with a cover charge when they get to the what they think is a wedding reception.

 

[kimblebee]

See, that sounds like a good idea to me, and i have no problem with it. It's totally different to know up front what you are getting into that to blindside someone with a cover charge when they get to the what they think is a wedding reception.

That's a good point. We definitely know what we're in for.

I forgot to mention that another staple is the social food..cold cuts, cheese and pickles, rye bread, chips and pretzels. So, even if you just pay for your ticket you still get a late night snack out of it.

 

[elaine amj]

no no- wedding and reception are ONE gift-- engagement party-gift, bridal shower-one gift, wedding/reception-ONE gift.

Thanks! I was getting pretty confused there! The one engagement party I've attended, nobody brought gifts so I would never have thought of that as a gift-giving occasion.

Where I live (Manitoba), it is standard to have a party a few months before the wedding to help pay for it. It's called a social (you can even Wiki it)

Here we have stag and does - basically the same thing. I don't know if I could have held one - seems so weird to ask other people to help fund your wedding. Then again, all the cash gifts I received at my wedding went to pay for the wedding dinner. Same thing at the end of the day I guess.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't make it tacky. It just makes it different.

It is very tacky to invite people to a reception and then charge them.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

http://www.winnipegomyheart.com/2011/06/weird-wedding-traditions-of-winnipeg-socials/

This was a very interesting thing to read. I never heard of this.

The comments are all over the place. But this one was so full of entitlement:

"We both have full time jobs, and even with that – we can’t afford a wedding we believe our love deserves. It won’t be flashy and over the top (our hall actually costs less than our social hall to rent!) but, with weddings naturally costing more than my car – I don’t really know how any one expects us to pay for one ourselves.....I think to say it’s all a money grab is kind of ridiculous and insulting to us......it helps someone achieve a wedding they’ve always dreamed of."

Lol! They can't afford a wedding their "love deserves".

And weddings DO NOT cost more than cars. If you choose for your wedding to cost that much and you can't afford it, well you are off to a very bad start.

 

[kimblebee]

It is very tacky to invite people to a reception and then charge them.

What dictionary uses that as its definition? I couldn't find one..