Advice: cost of baby

[Jen and Ashwin]

You're underestimating how much child care will cost. Not having that expense will allow you to have the extra money available for working towards financial goals.

For 1 year of full time child care at the JCC it would cost $18,000. That is 12 months, 5 days per week. DH would make way more money than this if he got a full time programming position, so I see the benefit of him working. Also, I don't want him to feel resentful. If he wants to be a SAHD, then I would be alright with that. But I don't think that is what he wants.

 

[TwoMisfits]

For 1 year of full time child care at the JCC it would cost $18,000. That is 12 months, 5 days per week. DH would make way more money than this if he got a full time programming position, so I see the benefit of him working. Also, I don't want him to feel resentful. If he wants to be a SAHD, then I would be alright with that. But I don't think that is what he wants.

That may be the 1 year "care" cost, but then you also have to include your costs of commuting there and back, your costs of the baby being sick and not going (so the costs to your job and vacation)...and then the costs of your husband working (costs of commuting, wardrobe, extra taxes, lost child tax credits due to too high income, etc). Your husband probably needs a FT job paying $54K+ per year to break even on the value of him working.

Unless your husband can get that kind of salary, it probably makes the most sense (especially in programming) to look for PT telecommuting positions and to be the primary care giver...and when your child gets to school-aged level, for him to pursue an advanced degree or some extra training to move into a full time job...

Babies do best in parental care...whether it's mom or dad...and I know many dads who have taken on that job b/c their spouses had the higher income, more secure jobs...

 

[DLgal]

Whatever you think it will cost, double that. Kids are VERY expensive. For the long haul.

 

[wendow]

Babies do best in parental care...whether it's mom or dad..

While I agree with this statement, OP has said that her dh does not want to stay home. In that case, a dad who doesn't want to be there and may become resentful is no longer the best caregiver. I think he needs to get in the workforce full time so maybe her staying home or only working part time is an option down the road.

 

[mjkacmom]

While I agree with this statement, OP has said that her dh does not want to stay home. In that case, a dad who doesn't want to be there and may become resentful is no longer the best caregiver. I think he needs to get in the workforce full time so maybe her staying home or only working part time is an option down the road.

I agree. As a SAHM, it could be hard, and lonely. I couldn't have done it without the support of my SAHM network, and I don't know of any that included men. I think men can be great SAHD's, but the bond moms have with each other don't always work with men (too many TMI conversations - lol).

It's also much harder for SAHD's to return to the workforce, there is still a stigma associated with it.

 

[Iowajes]

I don't think the centers will let you on a waitlist until you are pregnant.

I don't know any that do- which is why it shocked me that any list could be longer than 9 months; but EVERY daycare I looked at was (I started looking for a daycare at 8 weeks pregnant, and planned to keep the baby at home the first 10 weeks). One waitlist was even 15 months long. I can only assume it is because some people plan to keep the baby home for 3 months or 6 months or something, bust still get on the list as soon as they pee on a stick.

So you need to get on a list ASAP.

 

[crisi]

That may be the 1 year "care" cost, but then you also have to include your costs of commuting there and back, your costs of the baby being sick and not going (so the costs to your job and vacation)...and then the costs of your husband working (costs of commuting, wardrobe, extra taxes, lost child tax credits due to too high income, etc). Your husband probably needs a FT job paying $54K+ per year to break even on the value of him working.

Unless your husband can get that kind of salary, it probably makes the most sense (especially in programming) to look for PT telecommuting positions and to be the primary care giver...and when your child gets to school-aged level, for him to pursue an advanced degree or some extra training to move into a full time job...

Babies do best in parental care...whether it's mom or dad...and I know many dads who have taken on that job b/c their spouses had the higher income, more secure jobs...

You are looking at it short term. For one thing, he's a developer, he can easily make $90k a year (at least he can around here) once he gets a little experience if he doesn't have it already. $200k a year working contract is common around here. Secondly, you are forgetting the benefits involved in saving for retirement, getting a 401k match, possibly cheaper insurance, and quarters of social security. And generally companies don't want telecommuters if there are children at home, all the companies I know of want you to have child care if you have small children and telecommute - other than those cases where the child is ill.

Children do best when they have parents who are happy. If a SAHP isn't happy as a SAHP, it is detrimental to the children.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

You are looking at it short term. For one thing, he's a developer, he can easily make $90k a year (at least he can around here) once he gets a little experience if he doesn't have it already. $200k a year working contract is common around here. Secondly, you are forgetting the benefits involved in saving for retirement, getting a 401k match, possibly cheaper insurance, and quarters of social security. And generally companies don't want telecommuters if there are children at home, all the companies I know of want you to have child care if you have small children and telecommute - other than those cases where the child is ill.

Children do best when they have parents who are happy. If a SAHP isn't happy as a SAHP, it is detrimental to the children.

DH is a ruby on rails developer with a few years experience. Where we live, he could easily get a job that starts at $60k, if not more. And if he works at the same University as me, the insurance is excellent (he is currently on mine) and he would get another 10% retirement match for saving 5%. He could even get highly reduced tuition towards a master's degree. I know that if someone said I had to quit my job and stay at home, I would be very resentful. I have worked hard for my education and building up my career. I am going to be promoted to deputy director of my office soon. I want DH to do what is going to make him happy as well and if being a SAHD is not what he wants, then we will work things out.

Also, the university has emergency childcare for when a child gets sick and can't be taken to regular child care. I get 13 sicks days per year and another 24 vacation days, plus holidays. I also have an amazing boss that lets me work from home 2-3 days per week now. I am an attorney and have a lot of latitude in how I do my job, so as long as I get things done by deadlines, my boss is pretty cool with how and when it happens. I know that there will be struggles at times, but I am an optimistic person and I am sure things will work out.

 

[dhardawa]

I'll be completely honest, aside from childcare, I never found my kids to be too expensive. You work things like formula, clothes, and supplies into your budget. At the same time, you bring home more money because you get to claim a dependent and write off a portion of daycare costs.

Babies also tend to keep you home which saves money. Instead of going to the movies, we'd rent something and hang out with the baby. I also found joy in things like buying the baby a new jumper toy. I'd rather buy that than spend $50 getting my nails done.

At the end of the day, I don't feel like my two ever were insanely expensive.

 

[TwoMisfits]

DH is a ruby on rails developer with a few years experience. Where we live, he could easily get a job that starts at $60k, if not more. And if he works at the same University as me, the insurance is excellent (he is currently on mine) and he would get another 10% retirement match for saving 5%. He could even get highly reduced tuition towards a master's degree. I know that if someone said I had to quit my job and stay at home, I would be very resentful. I have worked hard for my education and building up my career. I am going to be promoted to deputy director of my office soon. I want DH to do what is going to make him happy as well and if being a SAHD is not what he wants, then we will work things out.

Also, the university has emergency childcare for when a child gets sick and can't be taken to regular child care. I get 13 sicks days per year and another 24 vacation days, plus holidays. I also have an amazing boss that lets me work from home 2-3 days per week now. I am an attorney and have a lot of latitude in how I do my job, so as long as I get things done by deadlines, my boss is pretty cool with how and when it happens. I know that there will be struggles at times, but I am an optimistic person and I am sure things will work out.

You are very lucky - many families are not. And I'm not suggesting anyone force anyone to do anything. But marriages are always about compromise and kids bring that compromise to the forefront, b/c now there's a 3rd party that is entirely dependent on both of you. Experience taught myself and my husband that plans go out the window when you have a dependent 3rd party whose needs you can't entirely predict. No one knows whether they'll be the one to have the unexpected preterm baby who needs NICU (BTDT), the baby with failure to thrive and colic (BTDT), or a child with special needs (BTDT). We originally both worked FT (1st 4 years of our marriage) and made about the same salary and were quick advancers when I was 1st pregnant. And that pregnancy, birth, and 1st year taught us we'd be better as a family if one of us focused on their job and getting ahead and one of us focused on the family. And that worked, and worked well. Does my husband offer me every year the chance to go to law school on his dime (my plan before we got pregnant)? Yes, b/c he wants to make me happy. Do I take him up on it? No, b/c I don't need it now to be happy or for us to be financially okay. Could we be better off? Sure, but then I think of the stress and unhappiness we had trying to keep up 2 high speed jobs that 1st year and I never regret it. Til you live how it goes, I wouldn't make hard "it will be this way" plans for "this reason." You really won't know how either of you will totally feel til the baby gets there and you start to live it.

 

[TippeeCanoe]

DH is a ruby on rails developer with a few years experience. Where we live, he could easily get a job that starts at $60k, if not more. And if he works at the same University as me, the insurance is excellent (he is currently on mine) and he would get another 10% retirement match for saving 5%. He could even get highly reduced tuition towards a master's degree. I know that if someone said I had to quit my job and stay at home, I would be very resentful. I have worked hard for my education and building up my career. I am going to be promoted to deputy director of my office soon. I want DH to do what is going to make him happy as well and if being a SAHD is not what he wants, then we will work things out.

Also, the university has emergency childcare for when a child gets sick and can't be taken to regular child care. I get 13 sicks days per year and another 24 vacation days, plus holidays. I also have an amazing boss that lets me work from home 2-3 days per week now. I am an attorney and have a lot of latitude in how I do my job, so as long as I get things done by deadlines, my boss is pretty cool with how and when it happens. I know that there will be struggles at times, but I am an optimistic person and I am sure things will work out.

If neither of you are willing to sacrifice anything in your careers, a baby may not be the best plan for you. Babies are highly unpredictable and you may think you have everything planned out, until baby comes and it all flies out the window.

 

[ldo]

you'll be just fine. You are lucky to have the flex in your job. There will be days that your kid is sick but you aren't going to want to use the sick care from work--I have that too and have never used it. You just aren't going to send your baby with a fever or feeling that bad to a stranger (evern a nurse) to care for--you are going to stay home--but you have the flex, so it will all work out. You can finish your project on the weekend, etc. Daycare, formula, diapers are pretty much the major expenses. My kids weren't that expensive either. Again, best wishes on starting your family.

 

[jkelly86]

I found the Baby Bargains Book to be extremely helpful in figuring out what to register for, etc:

https://windsorpeak.com/babybargains/

Here is a great story that a friend sent to me when I was expecting my first child:

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of “starting a family.”

“We’re taking a survey,” she says half-joking. “Do you think I should have a baby?”

“It will change your life,” I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

“I know,” she says, “no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations.”

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child-bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, “What if that had been MY child?” That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.

That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of “Mom!” will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment’s hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby’s sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five-year old boy’s desire to go to the men’s room rather than the women’s at McDonald’s will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter’s relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter’s quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. “You’ll never regret it,” I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter’s hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

If neither of you are willing to sacrifice anything in your careers, a baby may not be the best plan for you. Babies are highly unpredictable and you may think you have everything planned out, until baby comes and it all flies out the window.

I think that you are being pretty judgmental. Just because you feel that one parent should be a full time stay at home parent, does not mean that there are not families that work fine with two parents working full time. My husband and I are perfectly capable of adjusting to the demands of our lives, careers included. I was not asking for you or anyone else to shame me for my career ambitions or to judge me as a bad future mother because my choices may be different than yours.

 

[Jen and Ashwin]

You are very lucky - many families are not. And I'm not suggesting anyone force anyone to do anything. But marriages are always about compromise and kids bring that compromise to the forefront, b/c now there's a 3rd party that is entirely dependent on both of you. Experience taught myself and my husband that plans go out the window when you have a dependent 3rd party whose needs you can't entirely predict. No one knows whether they'll be the one to have the unexpected preterm baby who needs NICU (BTDT), the baby with failure to thrive and colic (BTDT), or a child with special needs (BTDT). We originally both worked FT (1st 4 years of our marriage) and made about the same salary and were quick advancers when I was 1st pregnant. And that pregnancy, birth, and 1st year taught us we'd be better as a family if one of us focused on their job and getting ahead and one of us focused on the family. And that worked, and worked well. Does my husband offer me every year the chance to go to law school on his dime (my plan before we got pregnant)? Yes, b/c he wants to make me happy. Do I take him up on it? No, b/c I don't need it now to be happy or for us to be financially okay. Could we be better off? Sure, but then I think of the stress and unhappiness we had trying to keep up 2 high speed jobs that 1st year and I never regret it. Til you live how it goes, I wouldn't make hard "it will be this way" plans for "this reason." You really won't know how either of you will totally feel til the baby gets there and you start to live it.

I agree that plans may change and that we won't really know until we start to live it, but I could probably say that about anything in life. I do like to have a plan or an idea of how things might go, but I am not so dogmatic that I can't roll with what life throws at me. That said, that doesn't mean that my family will be like yours. I believe that it is possible to have a family and both spouses with a career as I know many, many families that have both. May there be some challenges or compromises? Sure, but that is the same as with anything in life.

 

[Madame]

Do you have a plan for the possibility of multiples? We didn't. We have paid 12 month (+/- 50% of my income & I am the primary earner as well) mat leave here, but when my twins were born (naturally & with no family history) my DD was not even 2.5. Struggle is not an apt description.

The expense was enormous as we'd planned to just use all the gear from my DD & needed double everything. Full-time JK starts at 4 years old here, but we had a year with all 3 in full-time daycare & just finished before & after school care which was still a massive bill.

One DS was born with a kidney condition (hydronephrosis) then a cancerous tumour (neuroblastoma) - thank God for universal health care. All of this to say having a baby does not always follow a script. Having kids is an adventure for sure. A wonderful, frustrating, exhausting, fantastic adventure.

 

[AZMermaid]

Totally buy any gear you aren't gifted used. I'm a member of a few swip swap Facebook groups and there is tons of baby stuff sale. I'd look early so you get a feel for good prices. Then resell when you are done!

I'd budget or formula and hope you don't need it. First child wouldn't latch and had colic. I pumped as long as I could... Which was 3.5 months. I was devastated at the time and really beat myself up. Fast forward to my daughter 17 months later.... She latched but was never satisfied. I'd feed her for 2-3 hours straight, which was pretty tough with a 17 month old too. With her, we stopped at 2 months. But, it was more my decesion so it didn't upset me as much. I have lots of friends they breastfed for over 18 months a kid and loved it though. My kids are 4 and 5. They haven't had a sick visit in over 2 years and (knock on wood) didn't miss a day of school for being sick last year and haven't missed yet this year. I'm not saying the research is wrong- not at all! But my mostly formula fed, daycare kids so very rarely get sicker than a runny nose. I can count the number of puking episodes I've encountered between my kids on one hand.

You are so lucky your birth costs are covered! It cost me OOP $7000 per kid and I didn't get any paid time off (I'm a teacher). I stayed home with my son till he was 11 months, but my daughter went to daycare at 11 weeks for a month before summer came. Then she was almost 6 months after summer.

We cloth diapered and our daycare did accept them... But handling them at the end of the day..... Shudder.... That lasted about two weeks, lol! So we didn't save as much there, but we still cloth diapered at home. I figured every time saved us a quarter!

Good luck! You can not imagine how much a baby will change every aspect of your life! Good thing they are cute!

 

[sarah4770]

I was so fortunate that my mom watched my first while I worked. With my second, I had moved to Florida, and had to put him in daycare. I tried a private person at first, which did not work out, then put him in a family daycare. I hated having him in daycare. It was like he was being raised by strangers.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Welcome to motherhood, where you are judged for every decision you ever make by the sanctimommies, whose choices are the only correct choices anybody could make ever. Learn to let it roll off your back, because it only gets worse. Down to, people will judge if you use a stroller instead of baby wear. It's insane.

Learn to listen to your own instincts and do what is best for your family. DH and I both work full time, even though my weeks are just 3 days long due to long shifts. It has worked fine for us. We have an in home caregiver, but it is DH's mom, who would never do anything to hurt her precousin grandbaby. I myself was a daycare kid and loved it. Always something fun and interesting each day, I got to see my friends, I just really enjoyed it. I, too, am the breadwinner. I tried to convince DH to be a SAHD and he want comfortable with the idea, so we both work and that's life. DD is 3 and understands that we both have to work but we will always come home to her and doesn't feel any less loved or secure. She's one of the happiest, most easy going kids I've ever seen.

 

[leebee]

Here's the deal... You do what is best for your family, and block out all the other opinionated naysayers. You are always going to second-guess yourself, anyhow, as there is no "how to be a mom" best training and babies don't come with instruction manuals. It's one thing to ask for opinions based on others' experiences; just sort experienced opinion from ugly judgement.

You'll be fine. Just remember- everything that you are planning for, trying to look ahead to the future to prepare for, is going to be different once the baby is actually here. Don't wait until you are "ready" or you'll never have kids- it's something you can never be adequately prepared for! Bend like the willow, and listen with your heart. You'll figure it out... we all did!