OT: taking a 9yr old boy to a girls bathroom

[Nom]

While I understand all the reasons given, I also believe we can't protect our children 100% against life. Hopefully, we will give them the life skills that they use their brains and can figure out what to do. I would think that a 9yo would be smart enough to say, 'something isn't right. I'm leaving.' If this child can't manage to go to the bathroom alone, how does he go to school ? Manage homework ? He must have SOME critical thinking skills ? If something seems 'off', you can always walk down the concourse and find another bathroom.

ITA with this... at that age, a child should have been taught both in school and by their parents how to handle a situation where an adult is being inappropriate. In the rare event that a preditor does approach this child, and the child just runs away or screams or whatever, the child will not be scarred for life. It would be a terrible thing, but the child would acutally gain a sence of empowerment and pride that they were able to handle themselves. I know- I was approached by a pedophile when I was a little girl. I knew enough to run away and go get my parents- and I was not scarred for life. I felt proud that I had done the right thing, and it helped me build confidence that I could handle myself. When this happened I was in second or third grade, so I was around the age of the OP's son (I think?).

Just my two cents....

eta: Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you should ever purposely expose your child to a setting that you think is dangerous! Or put your child in harm's way, just to build their confidence! I just personally don't think a crouded men's bathroom is a dangerous place for a 9 year old boy, and I think that parents today tend to be very overprotective and don't trust their children's common sense and street smarts as much as they should.

 

[Mkrop]

ITA with this... at that age, a child should have been taught both in school and by their parents how to handle a situation where an adult is being inappropriate. In the rare event that a preditor does approach this child, and the child just runs away or screams or whatever, the child will not be scarred for life. It would be a terrible thing, but the child would acutally gain a sence of empowerment and pride that they were able to handle themselves. I know- I was approached by a pedophile when I was a little girl. I knew enough to run away and go get my parents- and I was not scarred for life. I felt proud that I had done the right thing, and it helped me build confidence that I could handle myself. When this happened I was in second or third grade, so I was around the age of the OP's son (I think?).

Just my two cents....

eta: Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you should ever purposely expose your child to a setting that you think is dangerous! Or put your child in harm's way, just to build their confidence! I just personally don't think a crouded men's bathroom is a dangerous place for a 9 year old boy, and I think that parents today tend to be very overprotective and don't trust their children's common sense and street smarts as much as they should.

Do any of you have boys around this age group? I deal with DS9 and his friends A LOT and some days I dont think they can find their way out of paper bag let alone deal with a big adult stranger who can be manipulative. These creeps have learned to say stuff to kids to get at them. "Moms been hurt come with me" ", If you scream I am going to hurt you or your family" etc. My son has been taught all this by me, we have roleplayed, at school etc. I still do not trust certain bathroom situations, if it gives me the creeps then he is not going in there. I also dont think that ll the children who have been molested or abuducted were dumb or had neglectful parents that didnt tell what to do. These criminals are out there to get kids and they will use whatever manipulative tactics to get to these kids, it is my job to arm them with info but also to protect them physically if I see it as necessary.

Parents tell thier kids all the time about internet safety and chat rooms and yet kids are lured by these creeps everyday.

It amazes me on other threads where people complain about kids growing up too fast these days, we need to let kids be kids etc and yet I am told I am not letting my son grow up and deal with the reality of the world we live in if on the rare occasion I tell him that this bathroom siutation is not safe.

 

[Mkrop]

Nom I think I was typing during your edit.

 

[Nom]

Nom I think I was typing during your edit.

No prob, I was just thinking that I did not want anyone to think I was advocating exposing your children to pedophiles!

To answer your other question though, no, I have a girl child, and I was a girl when that happened to me. So I don't have experience with a 9 yr old boy- I would hope that in a serious situation like that the training we instill in our kids kicks in, but you can't guarantee it.

If I opened a bathroom door for my child to go in alone, and it was nearly deserted with one person in there, I might wait like a pper said and have my kid tag along with another dad with a child or something like that, or try a different bathroom. But if the bathroom was bright, with lots of different people moving in and out and doing their business, I would probably let my child go in alone. Or, if the mom does not have confidence that the child can handle it on his own, the mom could go in the men's room with the son, choosing a slower time and asking the men in there if it was ok (like a different pper suggested). In this day and age of long bathroom lines, women go in the men's room a lot and most men don't mind.

There are a lot of different options to try, besides just 'in the women's room with me, or in the men's room alone'- you would just need to use your common sense and street smarts to evaluate the situation once you are there. I also agree with the pper that said that it seems that the op had her mind made up when she started this thread, and was just looking for validation, instead of different options.

 

[3jsmommy]

I have three young boys & I have taken them in the ladies room w/ me many times & have brought them in the locker room at the YMCA many times.
If you are worried about your daughter seeing a 4 year old boys naked body than I suggest you never visit the Museum of Natural History or anything educational of the like. We were there last week & my sons were educated about all sorts of things that would unfortunatly disturb some Moms on here.
There are stalls in ladies rooms everywhere that I have been, I will continue to take them in w/ me as long as I feel the need.
As a PP stated no one on here would have the nerve to say anything to me in "real life", though it would be interesting if you did question me about my 6 year old in the ladies room because of your strange hang ups

 

[DisneyPhD]

I have three young boys & I have taken them in the ladies room w/ me many times & have brought them in the locker room at the YMCA many times.
If you are worried about your daughter seeing a 4 year old boys naked body than I suggest you never visit the Museum of Natural History or anything educational of the like. We were there last week & my sons were educated about all sorts of things that would unfortunatly disturb some Moms on here.
There are stalls in ladies rooms everywhere that I have been, I will continue to take them in w/ me as long as I feel the need.
As a PP stated no one on here would have the nerve to say anything to me in "real life", though it would be interesting if you did question me about my 6 year old in the ladies room because of your strange hang ups

Ok, once again. 6 year olds isn't the issue here. We are talking 9 year old. I see a big difference there.

I was out yesterday with my best friend. She has 2 boys, the same ages of my 2 girls 3 and 6 years old. Her 3 year old is not potty trained yet, he goes in the women's with her and will for a while. Her 6 year old has started in the past year going in the men's alone. Her husband travels a lot. She is on her own with them often.

While out at the restaurant my DD had to use the bathroom. Since we were on the other side of the restaurant from it, I walked her there, told her to close and lock the door (single unit) and see her back at the table. I did the same for my friends son. On the way to take my 3 year old to use the potty I saw him walking out and it occurred to me that he is old enough to pee on his own, but I would not put it past this kid to pee all over. I stuck my head in to be sure he didn't.

This is a kid who when he was around 3 years old my friend noticed her bushes in her front yard were turning yellow. Turns out her DS was going out on the front porch to pee instead of the 5 steps to the bathroom instead. He said his dad said it was ok to pee outside. My friend about died. She set him straight. It is better to be outside then pee your pants when you are out in the woods or there is absolutely no bathrooms around. Other wise no way!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

At our Y, children over the age of 3 are not allowed in changing rooms (of opposite sex). Having said that, they have a family changing rooms. And with recent renovation, they added more since there was a need.

As for the little girls being paranoid, then you are just as guilty of placing judgment on them as you are of being protective mambear to your own kids. Girls, around the age of 5, are taught about bodies being private. They are figuring out what is allowed and what isn't allowed. Yes, some of them are over the top. Given the debate on this thread, the overwhelming response is "better safe than sorry" with regard to the 9yo boy. For the 5 or 6 yo girl in the lockerroom, shouldn't we take that same approach?

The difference between a 4 yo and a baby being changed is that the baby can't point, stare, and verbalize. A child can. There is a HUGE difference between the two and you can't compare them. I know this difference - I was taking kids swimming and very pregnant and there were lots of 4yo's staring at my huge belly. Guess what ? No babies being changed on the changing table were staring.

So don't call another mom paranoid when you are guilty of exactly the same thing but it is different because it is your child.

I know I said I would stay away but I just can't.

Hello surfgirl did you even read my post? I stated there were no family changing rooms. I obviously would have used one if there were.

And I did not bring up about the statement about babies and 4 yo's. Obviously I know there is a difference, but some other poster grouped them all the same. I wasn't quoting you and did not even put you in the situation. Have you read this entire thread? Because it seems you pulled your response out of left field somewhere. Again

Sorry but taking a 4 yo into a changing room that can't help himself is not paranoid. If he can't change clothes by himself and there are no family change rooms there isn't much of an alternative. I wasn't talking about taking a 9 yo into a womans change room, yea thats over the top.

As I stated before, 99% of the time my 9 yo DS goes to the bathroom by himself. But there is that 1 % when I don't feel comfortable that he will go to the restroom with me.

Last year at a Pittsburgh Steeler game DS had a bad experience so guess what? When we go to the game on September 16th at Heinz Field, he will be coming to the ladies room. I let him go last year to the mens room and got the crap scared out of me and him.

I'm not too worried about him going to the ladies room because if you've ever been to a Steeler game a 9yo in the ladies room is pretty mild compared to some of the things you see.

Ok now I am done. We are going away for the weeknd and leaving in about an hour so I have no time for the continued "discussion". Call me whatever you want, paranoid, helicopter, don't care. I will do for my DS what I feel is safe. Period

Have a nice Labor Day Weekend everyone!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Honestly as far as these Y changing rooms go- well I would not change my clothes in front of any strangers. Boy or girl. I do not use group dressing rooms either. Doesn't matter to me if you are man or woman I want privacy. That being said if there are stalls then I don't care if a man was in the next one changing. I can't see him and he can't see me. The girls that were pointing and squealing were rude. I would have said something to them. JMHO.

 

[Suzanne74]

I am new to the thread but haven't seen most of the responses.

I am not sure why you would be uncomfortable having a 9yr old go to the bathroom due to drinking etc... if you are willing to take him to the concert. There will be more inappropriate behavior going on in the aisles at a 80's band concert (drinking, smoking, cursing, rude behavior, kissing, groping) then a few minutes in a bathroom. Plus, I much rather have my son go into a crowded bathroom then an enpty one with just one pervert waiting. Not saying this happens either but come on people. He will be in a restroom with many adults, yes but if the OP is fine with him being around them at the concert, what is the difference if he goes in there for 3-4 minutes. Do you honestly think a 9yr old boy is going to get molested or taken in a very crowded bathroom with many witnesses. You don't think there will be Dads in there that would be protective of a younger one coming in?

I just think 9yrs old is way to old to be in a women's bathroom. Yes, there are stalls but I much rather loosen the chains to a boy of that age then force him to feel like a toddler again. Plus he is more likely to see girls changing into rock t-shirts by the sinks or innappropriate behavior in a girls bathroom at a concert before a mens. I understand there is concerns but you can't hover a 9yr old boy. They need to be able to make decisions on their own at some point in time - right?

 

[crazyme5kids]

I have a nine year old boy. He isn't the 5 foot 130 pound type of 9 year old. I stand by what I've posted previously.

I just asked my husband his opinion. He said he wouldn't let a 9 year old go into the bathroom at an arena or stadium. For the record, his reply was based on safety issues not having to do with bathroom perverts.

 

[Nom]

I am new to the thread but haven't seen most of the responses.

I am not sure why you would be uncomfortable having a 9yr old go to the bathroom due to drinking etc... if you are willing to take him to the concert. There will be more inappropriate behavior going on in the aisles at a 80's band concert (drinking, smoking, cursing, rude behavior, kissing, groping) then a few minutes in a bathroom. Plus, I much rather have my son go into a crowded bathroom then an enpty one with just one pervert waiting. Not saying this happens either but come on people. He will be in a restroom with many adults, yes but if the OP is fine with him being around them at the concert, what is the difference if he goes in there for 3-4 minutes. Do you honestly think a 9yr old boy is going to get molested or taken in a very crowded bathroom with many witnesses. You don't think there will be Dads in there that would be protective of a younger one coming in?

I just think 9yrs old is way to old to be in a women's bathroom. Yes, there are stalls but I much rather loosen the chains to a boy of that age then force him to feel like a toddler again. Plus he is more likely to see girls changing into rock t-shirts by the sinks or innappropriate behavior in a girls bathroom at a concert before a mens. I understand there is concerns but you can't hover a 9yr old boy. They need to be able to make decisions on their own at some point in time - right?

ITA with this entire post!!! Especially with the fact that he will likely see more in the girls, vs the boys.

 

[Mkrop]

So I don't have experience with a 9 yr old boy- I would hope that in a serious situation like that the training we instill in our kids kicks in, but you can't guarantee it.

If I opened a bathroom door for my child to go in alone, and it was nearly deserted with one person in there, I might wait like a pper said and have my kid tag along with another dad with a child or something like that, or try a different bathroom. But if the bathroom was bright, with lots of different people moving in and out and doing their business, I would probably let my child go in alone. Or, if the mom does not have confidence that the child can handle it on his own, the mom could go in the men's room with the son, choosing a slower time and asking the men in there if it was ok (like a different pper suggested). In this day and age of long bathroom lines, women go in the men's room a lot and most men don't mind.

There are a lot of different options to try, besides just 'in the women's room with me, or in the men's room alone'- you would just need to use your common sense and street smarts to evaluate the situation once you are there.

Yes there are no gurantees so I choose the less risky option when presented with it. With that said, I do realize I have other options, yes I could go in the mens room, but you know what I never thought that bc uisng my exp, ladies rooms have stalls, that afford privacy to most, and I alwasy thought moms would be understanding until I got on the DIS! SO based on my experiences I chose the ladies room.

Ok, once again. 6 year olds isn't the issue here. We are talking 9 year old. I see a big difference there.

Yes but when I asked about girls squealing another poster told me in my 4 yr old did not belong in there which is why people got off topic of just a 9 yr old. Sorry if I took it OT.

This is to everyone. I really dont feel comfortable telling people what age is appropriate to allow certain things. I really think it is up to the parent of that child to decide based on a lot of factors we as outsiders dont know.

I mean do you want someone some day critzicising your judgement in some other area bc you think your child is too young. What if you dont agree with when a child should date or get into a car with a new driver etc. Are you going to appreciate someone who thinks differently telling you you are a helicopter parent. Are you going to criticize the same parent who leaves their child in the car to run into the convience store at age 6 but it is ok to let them go off into a bathroom by themselves? Or leaves that same child at the table while they go up to the food court counter etc?

Plus I have seen plenty of temper tantrums thrown in stores etc where no one, no dad or mom, stepped in to make sure that child belong with that adult so I dont buy into that argument that another adult would step up.

 

[Mkrop]

.

Last year at a Pittsburgh Steeler game DS had a bad experience so guess what? When we go to the game on September 16th at Heinz Field, he will be coming to the ladies room. I let him go last year to the mens room and got the crap scared out of me and him.

I'm not too worried about him going to the ladies room because if you've ever been to a Steeler game a 9yo in the ladies room is pretty mild compared to some of the things you see.



)

Heinz Field, the stories I have heard about the Vet and Lincoln Financial Field, maybe the problem is PA Football stadiums. Maybe this is why the rest of the posters cant relate

 

[PghLybrt]

I Last year at a Pittsburgh Steeler game DS had a bad experience so guess what? When we go to the game on September 16th at Heinz Field, he will be coming to the ladies room. I let him go last year to the mens room and got the crap scared out of me and him.

I'm not too worried about him going to the ladies room because if you've ever been to a Steeler game a 9yo in the ladies room is pretty mild compared to some of the things you see.

QUOTE]

See this is what I do not understand...... If you are taking your child some place that they will see things they shouldn’t then why do it?

A 9 year old should go to their own restroom especially if you feel they are adult enough to take to an adult venue. Personally I do not think A Steelers game or a rock concert falls into a suitable place for children to be, but its not my money or my child so have at it. (And believe me I feel it is never to early to learn to love the Black and Gold )


The part that always gets me is the idea that we must cater to a parent and child at an adult event (Maybe a different thread but ….)

 

[Mkrop]

I Last year at a Pittsburgh Steeler game DS had a bad experience so guess what? When we go to the game on September 16th at Heinz Field, he will be coming to the ladies room. I let him go last year to the mens room and got the crap scared out of me and him.

I'm not too worried about him going to the ladies room because if you've ever been to a Steeler game a 9yo in the ladies room is pretty mild compared to some of the things you see.

QUOTE]

See this is what I do not understand...... If you are taking your child some place that they will see things they shouldn’t then why do it?

A 9 year old should go to their own restroom especially if you feel they are adult enough to take to an adult venue. Personally I do not think A Steelers game or a rock concert falls into a suitable place for children to be, but its not my money or my child so have at it. (And believe me I feel it is never to early to learn to love the Black and Gold )


The part that always gets me is the idea that we must cater to a parent and child at an adult event (Maybe a different thread but ….)

Last time I checked the tickets on the football tickets dont have an age requirement. We are not talking a bar here! I dont believe I need to keep my child away from football games per se as the rowdy element that attends them. They dont tailgate, they go to the bathroom together where DH can shield him or walk ahead of him and take him somewhere else if the rowdy crowd is around. DH also tries to get more expensive seats so that the rowdy element ( ie the 700 level crowd) there is less exposure.

I mean gosh adults get mad when you say WDW is for kids (which I dont agree with) why would you tell a kid that he cant go watch his favorite team and sport. DS9 is a die hard Eagles fan and absolutely loves to go to the games, DH just takes certain precautions.

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

Honestly it might take me back a bit to see a boy that tall in the woman's restroom. BUT, there are too many weirdos out there. If I had a young son I would be freaked to send him into restrooms alone. I know I am overly paranoid but oh well. I have heard to many stories of men waiting for young men/boys in restrooms. It could happen anywhere, a rock concert, a football game, the zoo, a park, a library.... Even though you might think it will never happen to your kids it could. Then their/your lives will be changed forever.

If I felt uncomfortable I would take my child in with me. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable.

In the end, who cares if he is in there? If someone is annoyed by it they'll get over it.

 

[PghLybrt]

I never said don't take your kids to a game. I said its your money and its your kids, do as you like. What I did say is why be surprised to see and hear things of adult nature while you are at what really is an adult event. That’s like saying that I am shocked by the amount of screaming babies I see at Disney , I know they are going to be there. What I do not understand is that people them are surprised at actions at Rock concerts and Football games.

I think many people just think that I off handedly say that I do not think children should be at these events. Unfortunately it is the actions of parents that have led me to think this way.

Oh and I also dont think that seat value is any indication of how people act.

 

[Suzanne74]

Heinz Field, the stories I have heard about the Vet and Lincoln Financial Field, maybe the problem is PA Football stadiums. Maybe this is why the rest of the posters cant relate

I am a diehard Eagles fan but there is no way in heck, I am sending my child to one of those games. The language, the drugs, the booze, the nakedness. Since I tailgated and had season tickets for years, I KNOW what goes on during football games. It is sad to say but there is no place there for a kid under 10yrs old, except the club and suite tickets with glass partitions and private bathrooms. That is what arena football is for anyway - family friendly and cheaper. My nephews LOVE it.

 

[meandtheguys2]

It amazes me on other threads where people complain about kids growing up too fast these days, we need to let kids be kids etc and yet I am told I am not letting my son grow up and deal with the reality of the world we live in if on the rare occasion I tell him that this bathroom siutation is not safe.

When people refer to kids "growing up too fast," they aren't, IMO, talking about a child being given the freedom to grow up, but about the overt sexualization that goes on due to peer and media influence. A nine year old dressing like an 18 year old hoochie girl is much different than allowing a nine year old boy act like a nine year old boy. And nine year old boys are risk takers by nature. They can't/shouldn't be protected from all of the possible risks.

This is the first generation to treat their boys like preschoolers, and it isn't helpful or normal. While people are encouraging girls to be independent resourseful beings, boys are being turned into dependent, powerless beings. Reread Farmer Boy, sometime. Past generations treated their children like people. Not like infants. Kids attain meaningful pride in themselves by becoming independent, and gaining control of their own lives. Not self-esteem BS taught in the classrooms.

I am not, btw, talking about little boys, or children of either gender who need additional attention or precautions. I am talking about young men who have the cognitive/emotional ability to make reasonable safe choices. I don't care personally who is in the stall next to me, as long as they spare a square when necessary. And I've dealt with kids with disabilities, and kids that just couldn't be trusted out of my sight. I am talking about the same kids everyone sends off to school every morning without holding their hand, and wiping their butts.

 

[RachaelRol]

Yes there are no gurantees so I choose the less risky option when presented with it. With that said, I do realize I have other options, yes I could go in the mens room, but you know what I never thought that bc uisng my exp, ladies rooms have stalls, that afford privacy to most, and I alwasy thought moms would be understanding until I got on the DIS! SO based on my experiences I chose the ladies room.

This is to everyone. I really dont feel comfortable telling people what age is appropriate to allow certain things. I really think it is up to the parent of that child to decide based on a lot of factors we as outsiders dont know.

I mean do you want someone some day critzicising your judgement in some other area bc you think your child is too young. What if you dont agree with when a child should date or get into a car with a new driver etc. Are you going to appreciate someone who thinks differently telling you you are a helicopter parent. Are you going to criticize the same parent who leaves their child in the car to run into the convience store at age 6 but it is ok to let them go off into a bathroom by themselves? Or leaves that same child at the table while they go up to the food court counter etc?

Plus I have seen plenty of temper tantrums thrown in stores etc where no one, no dad or mom, stepped in to make sure that child belong with that adult so I dont buy into that argument that another adult would step up.

I will chime in here after reading all twelve pages. I agree completely with this post. Parent of DS6 for the record.

There appears to be a lot of judging of the OPs decision to take her son to the concert and I wonder if some of these opinions are just a round about (or direct) way of calling her out on that choice.

I do not expect anyone to take care of my child except my husband and me. I do not count on anyone else stepping up and making sure he is safe. That is my job.

Will I take him with me when he is 9 and DH is not around, I don't know and luckily I have some time to think about it. I have started allowing him to go in the stall next to me, preparing him for alone trips to the mens room. This will happen when he is ready.

Just yesterday I brought him to work with him. I asked him if he wanted to go to the mens room alone. He walked in and came out 2 seconds later. He's not ready yet. I will continue to prep him.

At the end of the day if my gut warns me of something I will follow it. Always better to be safe than sorry. If the OP let him go alone to the mens room and something terrible happened to her son, she would be superflamed on the Dis for allowing him to do so. Sometimes, you can't win on these boards...

He is her child, mine is mine and yours is yours. We will raise our children differently but with the same hope of having well adjusted, independent adults in the future. I'm sure others will disagree, but I do not think, going to the potty with mom at a crowded place will determine his future. We make dozens of parenting decisons every day over 18 years that will determine that.

Cut the OP and others who supported her decision a little slack. She just wants to make sure her kid is okay.