WWYD? Update!

[ronandannette]

We got the shocking and heartbreaking news yesterday that one of our dear friends and beloved pillars of our community has unexpectedly been diagnosed with end-stage pancreatic cancer. It was discovered (as apparently it often is) during a physical when the doctor palpitated his abdomen and felt a mass on the liver. He had seen the doctor for minor, generalized malaise and is otherwise asymptomatic. He has been told this will change rapidly and the prognosis is death in as little as a month. He was basically told to leave the oncologist's office and prepare to go into hospice. Surreal - absolutely surreal.

The question is this: If you were presented with similar circumstances, how would you spend the little time you have left? Would you be grateful to have this chance, or would it be preferable to just drop dead in your tracks? And if your were the family or friends - how would you handle it? He's got a devoted wife and two young adult daughters who are seemingly in shock; not falling apart just yet but it's bound to happen. (ETA: They are devout Christians and do not fear death, but that doesn't minimize grief and the pain of loss.)

There are a multitude of us all standing by trying to figure out what to do to be helpful. Many of us have spent hours together weeping and praying and not a one hasn't thought about what we would be doing if it were us. WWYD?

 

[Skellingtonj]

We got the shocking and heartbreaking news yesterday that one of our dear friends and beloved pillars of our community has unexpectedly been diagnosed with end-stage pancreatic cancer. It was discovered (as apparently it often is) during a physical when the doctor palpitated his abdomen and felt a mass on the liver. He had seen the doctor for minor, generalized malaise and is otherwise asymptomatic. He has been told this will change rapidly and the prognosis is death in as little as a month. He was basically told to leave the oncologist's office and prepare to go straight into hospice. Surreal - absolutely surreal.

The question is this: If you were presented with similar circumstances, how would you spend the little time you have left? Would you be grateful to have this chance, or would it be preferable to just drop dead in your tracks? And if your were the family or friends - how would you handle it? He's got a devoted wife and two young adult daughters who are seemingly in shock; not falling apart just yet but it's bound to happen. (ETA: They are devout Christians and do not fear death, but that doesn't minimize grief and the pain of loss.)

There are a multitude of us all standing by trying to figure out what to do to be helpful. Many of us have spent hours together weeping and praying and not a one hasn't thought about what we would be doing if it were us. WWYD?

I vote sudden and with no suffering.

 

[dotfurio]

Oh that's terrible! I can't even imagine. I suppose I'd want the time to say my goodbyes. His poor family.

 

[Southernmiss]

A couple of our Disney posters are going through it or just went through this with husbands with pancreatic cancer.

They each have threads abt their journey.

Very difficult to think abt.

 

[RC Fan]

Having lived through a family member being diagnosed with terminal cancer(although the survival predicted was not that short), I’d never want someone to suffer. I’d prefer my emotional suffering over seeing a loved one suffer physically/mentally/emotionally.

 

[hopemax]

After losing my Mom to cancer in one year, I had the same question. It is a horrible experience living with the proverbial sword of Damocles over your head. Especially, when you have to watch your loved one be in so much pain. I do wish we had more Death with Dignity options. Take the time to get as many ducks in a row as possible (passwords, financial info, say what you need to say, make a final goodbye, etc) but then have the choice to say when the pain stops. So I would grudgingly chose "to have the time to say goodbye" even though there are circumstances when unexpected would probably be the greater blessing.

My sympathies to your and your community.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I voted quick. I wouldn't really want to spend my last weeks thinking about dying. (And if it's a loved one, you grieve twice.)

But to answer this, if I did find out -

how would you spend the little time you have left?

If it was me who only had a short time, I would gather financial info for my family, write letters to loved ones, and spend time in nature. (Of course, "one last Disney vacation" did pop into my head - but I couldn't really put my family through that. It would be so hard leaving every day, and I'm afraid it would ruin it for them going back after I was gone.) If it was a child who was ill, on the other hand, it would be all about doing anything they had always wanted to do.

 

[mnrose]

My mother passed away 5 months after being diagnosed with terminal cancer (when I was 28). I was extremely grateful to know in advance. Sure it was hard, but I got to spend some incredible time with my mother, saying everything that we sometimes forget to say in the rush of ordinary life. We both truly lived as if she was dying...no regrets, no words I "wished" I had said.

 

[Micca]

I don't even want to think about it but I'm so sorry for your friend.

 

[abdmom]

It's coming up on the anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis. He suffered for months, starting before the diagnosis. A lot of people think they'll

I would gather financial info for my family, write letters to loved ones, and spend time in nature.

, but in reality, they can't get out of bed and/or are not lucid. It's not pretty.

 

[mjkacmom]

My mother passed away 5 months after being diagnosed with terminal cancer (when I was 28). I was extremely grateful to know in advance. Sure it was hard, but I got to spend some incredible time with my mother, saying everything that we sometimes forget to say in the rush of ordinary life. We both truly lived as if she was dying...no regrets, no words I "wished" I had said.

Same here, but 4 months. I would’ve preferred 1 month with no cancer treatment. Her case was really hopeless, but she spent those last 4 months feeling sick from chemo, eating a diet she didn’t enjoy, trying to beat it. We called in hospice 3 days before she passed (her oncologist refused to release her to hospice unless we brought her to the hospital first, so I had her GP do it).

 

[ronandannette]

I don't even want to think about it but I'm so sorry for your friend.

So many of us are right there with you on that, but this confrontation is impossible to ignore. DH and I are going to be spending some (hopefully sweet and intimate) quality time together talking it through, as difficult as it may be.

My first instinct was like @PollyannaMom - get me outta here; I need one last vacation, but then that seemed too frivolous. It also sort of feels like I'd "owe" it to my loved ones to spend as much of my last days with them as they might want. Not the time or place to think about preserving "me time".

 

[ronandannette]

Same here, but 4 months. I would’ve preferred 1 month with no cancer treatment. Her case was really hopeless, but she spent those last 4 months feeling sick from chemo, eating a diet she didn’t enjoy, trying to beat it. We called in hospice 3 days before she passed (her oncologist refused to release her to hospice unless we brought her to the hospital first, so I had her GP do it).

My brother died of lung cancer about 2 years after the initial diagnosis. The prognosis was somewhat hopeful (but not a sure thing) if he pursued extremely aggressive treatment including full lung removal, 6 initial rounds of very strong chemo and radiation.

Treatment was declined except for general health maintenance and comfort measures. His life expectancy was 12 - 18 months and he actually lasted almost 2 years. He was not debilitated at all until the final 3 weeks or so, 13 days of which were spent in a wonderful hospice facility where his discomfort was very well managed. He was only bed-ridden for the last 5 days, the very last 12 hours of which he was completely sedated. We were all so blessed and grateful to have had that long period of "well time" with him and it certainly changed all of our perspectives on what we would actually do in similar circumstances.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I had a parent drop dead of a heart attack and one that died from cancer. It all sucks.

 

[lovin'fl]

My 54 year old dad, in 2001, was being treated for back pain. He was working full time and had a car accident a few years prior that they thought was the cause of the back pain. On lots of Ibuprofen, he was getting worse. He went back to DR who did a chest Xray but still kept treating for back strain. He got worse and worse and was starting to be unable to work or do anything so he called his DR again. DR said "oh, let me look at your chest Xray from 2 weeks ago"...."uh oh, there's a mass". (Yep, the DR didn't even bother to look at it for 2 weeks). My dad then went for a CT-scan (or MRI or whatever) and was diagnosed, on Dec 19th, with stage 4 cancer in his lungs, spine and liver (they had him go for biopsy, why put him through that...I don't know...but it turned out to be lung cancer). He went into the hospital on Dec 26 and passed away on the 31st. Just 12 days. While that was some of the hardest 12 days of my life, my mom's life, my brother's life and my dad's life...it was much better (if you can say 'better' in a situation like this) than my SIL had with her FIL fighting cancer for 3 years. Though my dad was in a bit of a state of panic those last days in the hospital, knowing the end was near. He fought it and did NOT want to go. So, even better would be the 90-something year old who has had dementia for several years and passes in her sleep (like my DH's grandma). Nope, I don't want to know my time is limited. Nope...nope...nope. For the person dying- themselves- quick is better...but for us left behind, yes, having time to say goodbye is better.

 

[ronandannette]

...So, even better would be the 90-something year old who has had dementia for several years and passes in her sleep (like my DH's grandma). Nope, I don't want to know my time is limited. Nope...nope...nope. For the person dying- themselves- quick is better...but for us left behind, yes, having time to say goodbye is better.

There is no "good way", not at all. But of all the bad ways, the bolded gets my vote for worst. That's how our beloved DMom went and it was a hideous nightmare that lasted for years. May God in his mercy take the rest of us any other way, anything but that.

 

[dish rag]

Hard to say how one would react unless on survived such a thing. My initial thought is that I would go on until I no longer could. Then I would crawl until I could no longer.

 

[kimblebee]

For me, I just want to live in blissful ignorance til the end. I watched my uncle suffer from liver failure (due to hepatitis he picked up in Mexico) for a few months and it was awful. I hate death watches.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

My dad died of pancreatic cancer. The doctor gave him three months, and he passed away three months later to the day. For my loved ones I would want them not to go through the suffering. For me, I would like a little time to ensure my affairs are in order to make it easier on my adult kids. They pretty much are, but would want to make sure.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We got the shocking and heartbreaking news yesterday that one of our dear friends and beloved pillars of our community has unexpectedly been diagnosed with end-stage pancreatic cancer. It was discovered (as apparently it often is) during a physical when the doctor palpitated his abdomen and felt a mass on the liver. He had seen the doctor for minor, generalized malaise and is otherwise asymptomatic. He has been told this will change rapidly and the prognosis is death in as little as a month. He was basically told to leave the oncologist's office and prepare to go into hospice. Surreal - absolutely surreal.

The question is this: If you were presented with similar circumstances, how would you spend the little time you have left? Would you be grateful to have this chance, or would it be preferable to just drop dead in your tracks? And if your were the family or friends - how would you handle it? He's got a devoted wife and two young adult daughters who are seemingly in shock; not falling apart just yet but it's bound to happen. (ETA: They are devout Christians and do not fear death, but that doesn't minimize grief and the pain of loss.)

There are a multitude of us all standing by trying to figure out what to do to be helpful. Many of us have spent hours together weeping and praying and not a one hasn't thought about what we would be doing if it were us. WWYD?