What age do you stop buying gifts for extended family?

[jaminmd]

My sisters equate love with money & expect me to buy gifts for their grandchildren. I have given for every occasion throughout the years and I have never been thanked.

I've grown resentful because of this & DH says I should stop. I do it to keep the peace but it's just bad manners & I know they weren't raised that way.

I stopped buying for my nieces & nephews when they turned 18. Am I obliged to buy for their children?

 

[sk!mom]

You're not obligated to buy for anyone. However, only you know if stopping is worth the family drama that might be the result.

I stopped buying for nieces and nephews at 18. As for their children, if I'm invited to a party I get a gift otherwise I do not. My family is just too large. If anyone's mad over it they keep it to themselves and all of them stopped giving my DS23 gifts at 18, as well.

 

[Stan's MaggieMouse]

I don't think you should be "obliged" to buy gifts for anyone outside of your immediate family, especially in these economic times. Do you see all of these family members at the holidays? I think it's nice (but not necessary) to buy something for children if you're going to be spending the holiday together. But if you don't even see them I don't think that you should send gifts that they don't even show appreciation for.

Maggie

 

[Praying Colonel]

On my side of the family, we buy for nieces and nephews and our parents and grandparents. We siblings and siblings-in-law don't buy for one another because a few have a hard time financially and can't afford to do it.

On my wife's side of the family, we buy for all of the above and also for siblings/siblings-in-law, plus my wife's Aunt and first cousin. They have a holiday dinner where everybody shows, and it's just expected that everybody's going to buy for one another. We don't spend the same amount on the Aunt and first cousin, though.

My guess is we'll quit buying for nieces and nephews when they get out on their own. Ages range from 14 to 19, so that'll be a few more years.

 

[jaminmd]

The drama is what I'm afraid of. I have huge family & extended family & they aren't happy unless they're unhappy.

 

[irish_trip_mom]

We've had similar in my family. I am the 5th of 6 kids, and the oldest nieces and nephews are now in college. My kids and my youngest brother's kids are in elementary school. My sisters and I kind of made a pact this year to cut off the college kids for their birthdays, but now with Christmas rolling around, I feel like I should get them something, even an Itunes gift card. Plus the college kids have a 16 year old sister....do I buy just for her and not her sibs?

Also, I may add that most of the time I don't know if those kids received their gifts because they don't acknowledge it. I sent the 16 yr old a Coach purse this year (I got it on sale, believe me!) and I've never heard if she liked it, or even received it. Note that they live out of state. Lack of gratitude is something that is learned, and if kids don't learn from their parents at an early age, they won't do it when they are grown.

 

[cajunpeach]

If they are going to mad either way, save yourself some money

You could donate in their name to a charity of your choice as gift to the entire family. That way they do not know exactly how much you spent and it can be a group gift you can get by relatively inexpensively (or expensively) as you want. You get warm fuzzies for giving to a charity instead of unappreciative kids and if they don't like it, they don't get a gift next year

 

[Andrea from PA]

My side of the family stopped buying at age 18.

My Husband only grew up with his immediate family. My oldest niece turned 18 in Oct; her step-sister turns 18 next week; I told them this is the last Christmas I am buying for them and 18 was the last birthday. I'll also get them High School grad gifts this year.
I don't think they believe me

My SIL (over age 50) thinks you should never stop buying, but she earns a good wage, has a govt job (and isn't subject to the HIGH Health care increases we are) and has no kids (no college funds to consider)

Will I buy for their kids in the future? Probably when the kids are very young -- my feelings are it is "fun" to buy for the little ones who get very excited for very low cost items.

My aunts bought for my kids their first few years even though they had grandkids of their own. It only lasted until they were 3 years old and it was always something very low in cost, but the kids would get very excited over.

OP -- With the economy this year I'd think this is the year to follow your heart and stop buying.

 

[puffkin]

We stop at 18 for birthday/christmas.

I have a lot of cousins and we all have families now. My mom is very close to her sister so she buys things for my son (her great nephew) and my mom buys for her sister's grandkids as well. But other than that my mom/aunt don't buy for any of the other grandnephews/nieces.

 

[EthansMom]

As a general rule, I'm planning on stopping at 18. I *might* make an exception if we were seeing the kids at a big family get-together over the holidays or invited over for a birthday party. There is no reason to buy gifts for grown adult relatives you hardly ever see.

 

[disykat]

We only do birthdays if we go to a party. For Christmas we started family gifts only at age 10. Our adult neices and nephews get put on the Christmas card list. Now that some of my nieces and nephew have kids we get them something only if we are seeing them to hand them the present.

 

[mana_liz]

We also have a large extended family. We buy everyone until they are 18...then they have the option fo joinning the adult gift exchange. One side of the family is $30 and the other side is $50.

 

[Pixiedust34]

We were going to stop giving gifts at age 18, but then we felt bad about not giving the 18 y.o. a gift and still giving her sister a gift. It never ends, unless you're firm.

This year, we are not exchanging gifts with extended family expect for parents/grandparents. We live out-of-state from everyone else, and we never know what they have/don't have, what the kids' hobbies are, etc. We've all been resorting to gift cards for the past few years. It seemed silly to buy our nieces and nephews gift cards and then our kids would get gift cards in return.

On top of that, we're on a much tighter budget than our family plus we have holiday travel expenses to go and see them which is a strain on our holiday spending and we're feeling the pinch of the economy's woes. I got brave this year and suggested that in light of the poor economy, perhaps we can enjoy a get together without buying gifts and/or gift cards for everyone. Fortunately, everyone agreed that was a good idea. Perhaps they were also pleased to be off the hook from buying our kids gift cards? I hope that was the case.

 

[PatsGirl]

Well, I'm glad to see that others feel there should be a "cut-off" age. I decided two years ago when the second of 7 nieces/nephews was getting close to her 18th birthday that I would use that birthday as the last gift-giving one and have since given both my niece and nephew, one 22 and the other 24 each a $5 scratch ticket in a birthday card.

The youngest in the families is DD11 and a nephew who is 10. I mentioned to my SIL and my sister that I thought maybe next year we could have all the kids (10-high school graduates) pick a name for $50 and leave it at that. The teenagers are getting difficult to buy for and my 10 year old nephew is nearly impossible because he has everything a child could want and more We could then have an adult pick as well for $50 and include the "adult" kids, anyone already graduated from high school. DS is in the service and I expect this might be one of his few years at home, my other nephew is also in the service and will be coming home this year for the first time in a few years so I'll be buying for everyone at least for this year.

Neither SIL or sis thought this was a good idea but of course they can both easily afford to buy for everyone. It's not even that I mind spending the money, I just think it's not the fun it used to be -- mostly gift cards, not a whole lot of thought put into the gifts, just because....

Okay, so I've talked myself into it. When Christmas is said and done this year, I'm going to tell everyone that I am no longer buying for their kids any more but that I'd be willing to purchase a gift for DD to join a grab so long as it was $50 or less.

You guys are a great sounding board

 

[JulieEck]

The drama is what I'm afraid of. I have huge family & extended family & they aren't happy unless they're unhappy.

So, if they aren't happy unless they're unhappy, then my suggestion is to not give this year, making them unhappy, thus making them HAPPY!!!

 

[jaminmd]

So, if they aren't happy unless they're unhappy, then my suggestion is to not give this year, making them unhappy, thus making them HAPPY!!!

I like that answer!

I've made my decision. I'm just going to stop. They never bothered to thank me, so they'd have a lot of nerve to say anything now that I've stopped.

As for the PP's who feel guilty not giving to an 18 year old sibling but giving to a younger one, I still do that. I have one nephew who is 13 but I still give to him but not his 22 year old sister.

 

[mousey]

I have the same dilema. I buy for several people who never thank me. Its so frustrating because I just went back to work after being off for a year and even when I was off I gave everyone a gift card and still several people never thanked me. The other night a group of friends that I know who have children that went to school with mine, went out for dinner and then to a friends house for drinks. Last year I didn't go due to illness. We always did a $5 gift exchange. I took my gifts for everyone (8 total) and one person gave me a card with a lottery ticket in. Other excuses were, too busy, going on vacation soon, I didn't know we were exchanging, etc..... At dinner I also treated the girls to an appetizer--one person thanked me. Just goes to show you how ungrateful friends and family can be.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I bought for my 18 yr. old niece because she is in college and still lives at home. I wasn't going to send gifts to her two younger sisters and not her with her right there. Once she moves out on her own, I may stop. We only have 3 nieces (and that's all we'll ever have), so I don't have hard and firm rules. I think logical places to stop are 18/out of high school, living on their own, or marriage.

Because of his birthday, my ds will be 18 during his last year of high school. I really hope our family doesn't cut him off before he graduates!

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

I don't think you're obligated to buy anyone anything. It's a nice gesture when you do, and the receiver should be thankful.

However, our family buys gifts for everyone. We're not a huge family, though. My grampa and his two living siblings and their families (spouses, children and grandchildren) plus a couple of their cousins get together for the holidays. There are anywhere between 25 and 35 of us each holiday, with our branch being the largest (gma, gpa, their three kids, one daughter in-law (my dad and aunt have passed away), seven grandkids and a great grand daughter). Some families get family gifts, though. My mom always gets "couples" gifts for her aunts and uncles and brother and sister-in-law.

 

[LovePug]

We also stop buying for the kids at 18. The younger siblings still get gifts.