Parenting trends you dislike?

[JLTraveling]

I get what you are saying. Breastfeeding has had a complicated history. For the majority of time, that is all that babies ate. If the mom could not produce milk, they found someone who could(wet nurse). With the invention of formula, it has helped so many woman and babies but there was a time, about 50-60 years ago, where the formula companies convinced moms that formula was actually better then nursing. Why nurse, with all of it's hassle, when you can just give your baby this ready made stuff. Now, we know that breast milk is better then formula and it is highly recommended that moms nurse or pump over formula because of the nutritional benefits, especially those first few weeks. I don't see it as a judgement thing but more of a educational aspect since many new parents don't really know how they differ. And yes, you can have the stance that breast is best, and still be OK with those who use formula. I don't see it as shaming at all, but maybe because I don't think it is that big of a deal. I am more for the educational aspect that new moms should be given all of the information so that they can make informed decisions. That is all.

Thank you for responding. If you don't mind a couple more questions, how is it "best"? That is, what inherent advantages does breastmilk bestow on a child that formula does not? And what's your suggestion for how to make up for those deficiencies in a formula fed child (whether formula fed out of necessity or choice)? Because if breastmilk is really "best," and there's no way to make up those advantages, then it sounds like kids whose moms can't nurse, or kids with two dads, or kids whose moms died in childbirth, or kids whose moms abandoned them in trash cans are all just destined to be screwed up for the rest of their lives. Or, if there's a way for all those kids to come out okay anyway, then shouldn't moms who don't want to nurse, or who have trouble with it, be able to use exactly those same techniques to make sure they don't screw up their kids?

 

[prairie_girl]

There's a difference between saying "my house, my rules" or "because I said so" in an arbitrary or dismissive way and explaining to a kid that you require everyone in your car to use seatbelts/boosters for safety so they are not injured in an accident.

I have no issue with people having their own rules. We have always had very clear expectations for behavior that go well beyond what most of our friends and family have in their homes. It just bugs me when adults speak to children in a rude manner that they would never use with another adult.

Exactly this. I was more talking about a situation where a kid asks for something (reasonable or not), the parent says no, the kid asks why and are told ‘my house, my rules’.

 

[dez1978]

Thank you for responding. If you don't mind a couple more questions, how is it "best"? That is, what inherent advantages does breastmilk bestow on a child that formula does not? And what's your suggestion for how to make up for those deficiencies in a formula fed child (whether formula fed out of necessity or choice)? Because if breastmilk is really "best," and there's no way to make up those advantages, then it sounds like kids whose moms can't nurse, or kids with two dads, or kids whose moms died in childbirth, or kids whose moms abandoned them in trash cans are all just destined to be screwed up for the rest of their lives. Or, if there's a way for all those kids to come out okay anyway, then shouldn't moms who don't want to nurse, or who have trouble with it, be able to use exactly those same techniques to make sure they don't screw up their kids?

This is just my .2 on this, so take it for what it's worth. There are benefits to breast milk that formula will never be able to achieve. Formula will never be able to give a baby antibodies when a mom is sick that is tranfered thru the milk for example. But out of the many benefits that breast milk has over formula, none of those are going to make that child "better" later on in life than a baby who was fed formula. While I am pro brestfeeding, I agree that fed is best. No mom should feel bad bc she didn't nurse her baby for whatever reason. No mom should be shamed for formula feeding or pumping and bottle feeding. Shaming a mom for using formula is just as dumb as shaming a mom for having a c section.

No matter how you feed your baby they will all end up eating chicken nuggets and stale fries at some point anyway

 

[Lilsia]

Thank you for responding. If you don't mind a couple more questions, how is it "best"? That is, what inherent advantages does breastmilk bestow on a child that formula does not? And what's your suggestion for how to make up for those deficiencies in a formula fed child (whether formula fed out of necessity or choice)? Because if breastmilk is really "best," and there's no way to make up those advantages, then it sounds like kids whose moms can't nurse, or kids with two dads, or kids whose moms died in childbirth, or kids whose moms abandoned them in trash cans are all just destined to be screwed up for the rest of their lives. Or, if there's a way for all those kids to come out okay anyway, then shouldn't moms who don't want to nurse, or who have trouble with it, be able to use exactly those same techniques to make sure they don't screw up their kids?

I would think that it is general knowledge that the first couple of days a mom produces colostrum that helps boost a baby's immune system. Also, a woman's body changes the milk as the baby ages to give the child what it needs at the time. There are plenty of articles on it and I suggest that you look it up and see how amazing a Mom's body is and how it responds and changes to what the baby needs. I never said that a child will be "screwed up the rest of their lives", not even close. I don't know why some of you need to go to a crazy extreme when that is not at all what we are saying. All that I am saying is that breast milk and formula are not the same. That breast milk is the better of the 2 options. A child will live and thrive on formula, but it is a bit of a step down from breast milk, which some people are denying. You are refusing to acknowledge the biological fact of this, and instead are focusing on the emotional aspect. Formula is a great alternative and I have zero issues with giving a baby formula, especially if a mom is able to at least give the colostrum since that gives a huge benefit to the baby. I am in no way shaming anyone and am only pointing out that breast milk and formula are not equal in their benefits. Why is that so hard for some of you to acknowledge? You are going to dig in your heals and make it into a big production instead of just saying, yes, breast milk is the best if it is possible.

 

[sasywtch]

After reading this thread, I'm surprised my 4 kids are alive today : ) They were all bottle fed, not because of any problems, because I am a shy (in person) person and doing so in front of others was out of my comfort zone. I remember a few years ago a thread about bf vs f and was told that the PhD my son has would have been gotten at an Ivy league school had he been bf and not at a state school. I learned long ago, nothing would ever satisfy the bf only people as they would always one up you. My kids played ball on a street, rode bikes without helmets (before helmets-it's a good law-just wasn't there at the time), parents told other parents when their kids were acting up and we did something about it. Anyway, I don't get the swaddling. It looks so uncomfortable and I always enjoyed watching the babies arms and legs moving around. Now they are twisted up in a ball. Neighbor told me it's to replicate the mother's womb but, that baby wanted out of that tight enclosure. I agree with a lot of other things pp have posted. Kids being out late with no curfew, time outs that aren't working, parents afraid to take things away to punish etc.

 

[Lilsia]

This is just my .2 on this, so take it for what it's worth. There are benefits to breast milk that formula will never be able to achieve. Formula will never be able to give a baby antibodies when a mom is sick that is tranfered thru the milk for example. But out of the many benefits that breast milk has over formula, none of those are going to make that child "better" later on in life than a baby who was fed formula. While I am pro brestfeeding, I agree that fed is best. No mom should feel bad bc she didn't nurse her baby for whatever reason. No mom should be shamed for formula feeding or pumping and bottle feeding. Shaming a mom for using formula is just as dumb as shaming a mom for having a c section.

No matter how you feed your baby they will all end up eating chicken nuggets and stale fries at some point anyway

This is exactly what point I have been trying to make. I don't agree in shaming moms for formula feeding. But we have to acknowledge that breast milk is the most ideal food for a baby. That is it.

 

[dez1978]

On the topic of breastfeeding, when my 1st was a baby I had to pump in my office which was just a cubicle with a door inside a larger office inside a prison. Now if you've ever heard a pump you know it's not quiet. Thankfully I am not shy and have a pretty good sense of humor, bc prison people are full of dark twisted humor lol. So I'd be in my office pumping and there'd be 5-7 male sgts outside in the main part of the office chit chatting and they'd start making jokes about the dairy farm must be running lol More that once one of them would stand on a chair to talk to me over the top of my cubicle wall like it was just no big deal (I was covered, you couldn't see anything). I do not miss those pumping days. But what was the funniest was the one guy who was so grossed out about it. Like the fact that breast milk was in the same fridge as his food was just weird to him. But he had no problem drinking cow milk made for cow babies lol. I used to mess with him a lot. I'd pretend to use it as coffee creamer and talk about how good it made the coffee. Then someone else would ask to try it. He about lost it then. That was a fun job

 

[mumto3girls]

On the topic of breastfeeding, when my 1st was a baby I had to pump in my office which was just a cubicle with a door inside a larger office inside a prison. Now if you've ever heard a pump you know it's not quiet. Thankfully I am not shy and have a pretty good sense of humor, bc prison people are full of dark twisted humor lol. So I'd be in my office pumping and there'd be 5-7 male sgts outside in the main part of the office chit chatting and they'd start making jokes about the dairy farm must be running lol More that once one of them would stand on a chair to talk to me over the top of my cubicle wall like it was just no big deal (I was covered, you couldn't see anything). I do not miss those pumping days. But what was the funniest was the one guy who was so grossed out about it. Like the fact that breast milk was in the same fridge as his food was just weird to him. But he had no problem drinking cow milk made for cow babies lol. I used to mess with him a lot. I'd pretend to use it as coffee creamer and talk about how good it made the coffee. Then someone else would ask to try it. He about lost it then. That was a fun job

I breastfed my kids and my own husband was mildly repulsed by my breast milk. Would make faces when he saw it in the fridge, if he had to give the baby a bottle he didn’t want the milk to touch his skin—like to check to see if it was too warm when it was heated. I had the cow conversation with him—so you are absolutely fine drinking milk that came out of a cow (a cow!), but you are weirded out by milk that came out of your wife?!? Dude! I shower regularly—the same cannot be said of that cow. Youngest is 15 and I still roll my eyes at that one. Might have to bring it up at dinner tonight and see if he has become more reasonable in the last 15 years.

 

[dez1978]

I breastfed my kids and my own husband was mildly repulsed by my breast milk. Would make faces when he saw it in the fridge, if he had to give the baby a bottle he didn’t want the milk to touch his skin—like to check to see if it was too warm when it was heated. I had the cow conversation with him—so you are absolutely fine drinking milk that came out of a cow (a cow!), but you are weirded out by milk that came out of your wife?!? Dude! I shower regularly—the same cannot be said of that cow. Youngest is 15 and I still roll my eyes at that one. Might have to bring it up at dinner tonight and see if he has become more reasonable in the last 15 years.

Id have thought that would make some things a bit awkward lol. Mine was never bothered by the milk itself but sometimes I think he thought it was weird when I'd nurse them in public. He'd never say anything then bc he values his life but now and then he'll make a comment about it. I always made sure I had on a nursing tank under whatever shirt I was wearing so you couldn't see anything, but like I'd wear them in the carrier thingy and they'd nurse while we were walking around the store or whereever we happened to be. I think one time he started to say something and I said look, you never had any problem when I got mardi gras beads so you better not have a problem with this and I must have had "the look" bc henever uttered another word lol

 

[mumto3girls]

Id have thought that would make some things a bit awkward lol. Mine was never bothered by the milk itself but sometimes I think he thought it was weird when I'd nurse them in public. He'd never say anything then bc he values his life but now and then he'll make a comment about it. I always made sure I had on a nursing tank under whatever shirt I was wearing so you couldn't see anything, but like I'd wear them in the carrier thingy and they'd nurse while we were walking around the store or whereever we happened to be. I think one time he started to say something and I said look, you never had any problem when I got mardi gras beads so you better not have a problem with this and I must have had "the look" bc henever uttered another word lol

My husband was uncomfortable with me nursing in public and I’m not proud of this, but I was uncomfortable with it too. I have always been a bit overweight (more so soon after delivery) and pretty big on top (especially when breastfeeding) and extremely modest and was always afraid people were going to see more of me than they or I wanted them to see. I think my husband just thought it should be private (for everyone, not just me). I had one girlfriend who would just nurse anywhere and everywhere. It was very natural for her and she didn’t see to care one bit about what anyone saw or thought. I very much admired her for that.

 

[Sinder]

I would think that it is general knowledge that the first couple of days a mom produces colostrum that helps boost a baby's immune system. Also, a woman's body changes the milk as the baby ages to give the child what it needs at the time. There are plenty of articles on it and I suggest that you look it up and see how amazing a Mom's body is and how it responds and changes to what the baby needs. I never said that a child will be "screwed up the rest of their lives", not even close. I don't know why some of you need to go to a crazy extreme when that is not at all what we are saying. All that I am saying is that breast milk and formula are not the same. That breast milk is the better of the 2 options. A child will live and thrive on formula, but it is a bit of a step down from breast milk, which some people are denying. You are refusing to acknowledge the biological fact of this, and instead are focusing on the emotional aspect. Formula is a great alternative and I have zero issues with giving a baby formula, especially if a mom is able to at least give the colostrum since that gives a huge benefit to the baby. I am in no way shaming anyone and am only pointing out that breast milk and formula are not equal in their benefits. Why is that so hard for some of you to acknowledge? You are going to dig in your heals and make it into a big production instead of just saying, yes, breast milk is the best if it is possible.

You mean like saying feeding your baby formula is harmful?
You may not be saying that, but the "we" you continue to speak for did.

 

[dez1978]

My husband was uncomfortable with me nursing in public and I’m not proud of this, but I was uncomfortable with it too. I have always been a bit overweight (more so soon after delivery) and pretty big on top (especially when breastfeeding) and extremely modest and was always afraid people were going to see more of me than they or I wanted them to see. I think my husband just thought it should be private (for everyone, not just me). I had one girlfriend who would just nurse anywhere and everywhere. It was very natural for her and she didn’t see to care one bit about what anyone saw or thought. I very much admired her for that.

It def is something that everyone has a different comfort level with and everyone should do what they feel good with. Like I said, I'm not a particularly shy person to begin with. At first, esp with my oldest, we'd always try to sit in a corner somewhere and I felt like I needed to hide or cover up. But by the time he was about a month old, I was mostly over that. By then he'd gotten good at latching so it just took a second. And if I tried to cover up he'd just unlatch and try to pull it off and show more than if I didn't cover at all lol. I did always feel like people were staring at me if I was just sitting there nursing and it was obvious thats what he was doing, but I was too tired to care. lol. I always made sure you couldn't see anything and if someone was so offended at just knowing what was happening, well that says more about them than me. Then I thought you know, if women saw other women doing this more often maybe they wouldn't be as uncomfortable doing it themselves. Its ok to not be comfortable with it and it's nothing to be ashamed of. we all have different feelings about it and thats perfectly ok. breastfeeding is a deeply personal thing and its ok to do it however makes you feel comfortable. ITs strange how the breast is best thing is touted everywhere, but we still feel like we need to hide to do it, or that others make us feel like we need to hide to do it.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

This is exactly what point I have been trying to make. I don't agree in shaming moms for formula feeding. But we have to acknowledge that breast milk is the most ideal food for a baby. That is it.

For me anyway, there always seem to be a "but". Some of us couldn't BF. Some of us chose not to. No matter what, we don't need it thrown down our throats. We chose what was best at the time.....for US. I truly feel that it is shaming and/or judging when the comeback is always "but" breast fed is best. I hate when people use the bonding excuse. My gosh, if you can only bond breastfeeding then there is something more going on.

 

[VandVsmama]

On the topic of breastfeeding, when my 1st was a baby I had to pump in my office which was just a cubicle with a door inside a larger office inside a prison. Now if you've ever heard a pump you know it's not quiet. Thankfully I am not shy and have a pretty good sense of humor, bc prison people are full of dark twisted humor lol. So I'd be in my office pumping and there'd be 5-7 male sgts outside in the main part of the office chit chatting and they'd start making jokes about the dairy farm must be running lol More that once one of them would stand on a chair to talk to me over the top of my cubicle wall like it was just no big deal (I was covered, you couldn't see anything). I do not miss those pumping days. But what was the funniest was the one guy who was so grossed out about it. Like the fact that breast milk was in the same fridge as his food was just weird to him. But he had no problem drinking cow milk made for cow babies lol. I used to mess with him a lot. I'd pretend to use it as coffee creamer and talk about how good it made the coffee. Then someone else would ask to try it. He about lost it then. That was a fun job

I used my breast pump on an airplane once.

 

[PollyannaMom]

This is exactly what point I have been trying to make. I don't agree in shaming moms for formula feeding. But we have to acknowledge that breast milk is the most ideal food for a baby. That is it.

The thing is that there are a lot of factors besides nutritional comparison at play, and they all combine to determine the best choice for any particular family.

I actually did breastfeed, but I fully admit that my convenience - because that happened to be the easier option for me - was just as much a factor in my decision as the nutritional benefit. (It didn't hurt that it was the less expensive option, either.)

For many families, when all the factors are weighed, the decision goes the other way. It did for my own mom: I was bottle fed, and our bond was easily as strong as the one I have with DS.

No one is trying to deny that there are nutritional advantages to breast milk. They just want you to meet them halfway and acknowledge that there are also some advantages to formula feeding, and that those very different advantages are meant to be weighed against each other by each individual mother.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

This is exactly what point I have been trying to make. I don't agree in shaming moms for formula feeding. But we have to acknowledge that breast milk is the most ideal food for a baby. That is it.

No we don't have to acknowledge that.
Any statement of X is better than Y is a normative statement, ie a value judgment, ie an opinion, not a fact and would be highly subject to the situation at hand. Breast milk is no more the ideal food for a baby in every single situation than Apple Pie is the best pie in every situation. And failure to acknowledge that is exactly the problem with breastfeeding advocates. And just because someone doesn't say something blatantly obvious like, "You're a bad mother if you bottle feed," doesn't mean they aren't shaming. No. They often put it exactly the way you did. You know mrs..____ that breast feeding is the most ideal food for baby. You want the best for your baby right?????? That may appear to be kinder and gentler, but it is no less shaming and no less condescending.

For me anyway, there always seem to be a "but". Some of us couldn't BF. Some of us chose not to. No matter what, we don't need it thrown down our throats. We chose what was best at the time.....for US. I truly feel that it is shaming and/or judging when the comeback is always "but" breast fed is best. I hate when people use the bonding excuse. My gosh, if you can only bond breastfeeding then there is something more going on.

In these kinds of situations, anything before the "but" is usually hogwash.
I don't mean to be X but _______________Insert being X in the blank.

 

[indimom]

Wow the breast vs bottle rages on.

I tried to breastfeed my first. We struggled in the hospital to get it to work. The lactation "coach" (torturer) did not help matters. On day 3, when we still couldn't get any success, I chose the bottle. Right or Wrong, I was too stressed and overwhelmed, and I "gave up." Maybe we could have made it work if I could have relaxed, if I hadn't felt like I was somehow starving my baby day after day, while she cried and cried. The bottle wasn't super easy either and we had to trial a couple different types, but she was getting fed.

With my second, getting started was as easy as breathing. But I only lasted four months. I was working 12 hour days running a day care, my husband worked second shift, so I had the kids to myself all evening, and I was handling all the nighttime feedings (breastfeeding while working was easy, but pumping was uncomfortable and inconvenient since I couldn't go about my job while I pumped. So, I didn't pump, and DH couldn't feed him). I was exhausted. DH told me to let it go, start bottle feeding, and he would be able to handle nights. I took his advice. I've never regretted it.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I would think that it is general knowledge that the first couple of days a mom produces colostrum that helps boost a baby's immune system. Also, a woman's body changes the milk as the baby ages to give the child what it needs at the time. There are plenty of articles on it and I suggest that you look it up and see how amazing a Mom's body is and how it responds and changes to what the baby needs. I never said that a child will be "screwed up the rest of their lives", not even close. I don't know why some of you need to go to a crazy extreme when that is not at all what we are saying. All that I am saying is that breast milk and formula are not the same. That breast milk is the better of the 2 options. A child will live and thrive on formula, but it is a bit of a step down from breast milk, which some people are denying. You are refusing to acknowledge the biological fact of this, and instead are focusing on the emotional aspect. Formula is a great alternative and I have zero issues with giving a baby formula, especially if a mom is able to at least give the colostrum since that gives a huge benefit to the baby. I am in no way shaming anyone and am only pointing out that breast milk and formula are not equal in their benefits. Why is that so hard for some of you to acknowledge? You are going to dig in your heals and make it into a big production instead of just saying, yes, breast milk is the best if it is possible.

See, you can’t do it without judgement. Why “especially if”? What if a mom decides for herself she doesn’t want to nurse at all. Or pump.

And you continue to miss the point. When you came in on this conversation, you were defending somebody who said that formula was harmful. That fed is best is harmful. That bf babies bond better. All are completely incorrect.

Why can’t you acknowledge that’s what we’re all saying? Why do bf advocates always have to be so harsh & judgmental?

 

[Frwinkley]

My child's pediatrician told me this many years ago: "Breast may be best, but it's not like formula is gasoline."

I loved him for making it all ok.

 

[ronandannette]

I would think that it is general knowledge that the first couple of days a mom produces colostrum that helps boost a baby's immune system. Also, a woman's body changes the milk as the baby ages to give the child what it needs at the time. There are plenty of articles on it and I suggest that you look it up and see how amazing a Mom's body is and how it responds and changes to what the baby needs. I never said that a child will be "screwed up the rest of their lives", not even close. I don't know why some of you need to go to a crazy extreme when that is not at all what we are saying. All that I am saying is that breast milk and formula are not the same. That breast milk is the better of the 2 options. A child will live and thrive on formula, but it is a bit of a step down from breast milk, which some people are denying. You are refusing to acknowledge the biological fact of this, and instead are focusing on the emotional aspect. Formula is a great alternative and I have zero issues with giving a baby formula, especially if a mom is able to at least give the colostrum since that gives a huge benefit to the baby. I am in no way shaming anyone and am only pointing out that breast milk and formula are not equal in their benefits. Why is that so hard for some of you to acknowledge? You are going to dig in your heals and make it into a big production instead of just saying, yes, breast milk is the best if it is possible.

I'll give you all of that. I find it curious though that in your early posts you asserted breast-feeding was also superior for bonding, implied if not implicit that it was proven as well. You seem to have backed away from that. Why? Was it just rhetoric or are you willing to defend that point the same way you have defended the nutritional aspects? I'm just speculating here and open to correction but my guess would be you would definitely include "bonding" as a benefit if you were advising a new mother on feeding.