Have you ever had a friendship end? If so, post.

[sasywtch]

After my divorce, I was not in a good place mentally. Negative, nothing was going to work out right type of thing. I had a friend on the phone who yelled at me, (basically telling me bluntly the truth) and told me she wasn't talking to me again. She hung up. Never heard from her again. Well, a few months later what she said sunk it and I actually became grateful. Still haven't spoken to her.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think that I kind of understand where the OP is coming from.
There are way too many people in this world who view others simply as what can I 'get' from them.
And, they are masterful at the deception.
When the OP saw this one situation and saw thru to the truth of the matter, that she was just being take for free accommodations....
That is when these kinds of relationships fall apart.

Look at these examples here. Every single one... the other person was on the take, whether it was for free accommodations, a position at work, a gift, a vote....

It can be hard to identify these people... They are really really good at being the 'friend' until they no longer benefit.

We also have to remember to take into account the fact we only have a one sided explanation in all of these situations -- which you are then further distilling in a very simplified way to bolster a theory.

Certainly people can use other people for their benefit. Quite often in my life my friendships have benefited me in big and small ways. I recently had to explain to a good friend for the umpteenth time that ultimately real friendship doesn't require bookkeeping and ideally the books manage to balance themselves over time quite well. Because of the circumstances of her family life growing up she has a very difficult time asking for or accepting help and feels she's "in debt". Current circumstances have put her in the spot of being on the receiving end of several(generally small) favors from me, my family and others. She's an awesome friend who has done countless favors for me and others over the years. She's also a friend who would guaranteed show up and bail me out if that's what it took. A snapshot of the ledger at various points over the years might show either me or her "in debt" to the other. In the end it boils down to each of us knowing we have someone to call on if the chips are down.

 

[mummabear]

I'm going to predict this thread is full of people that blame an end to a friendship on the other person with no mention of what was their part in the friendship ending. It is rarely 100% on any one person.

I agree, however sometimes we cant dont know what it was.
As a couple DH and I had another couple we were good friends with, a workmate of DH, we had been to each others hens/stag nights and weddings, baby showers, theirs kids birthday parties etc.
Then we just got ghosted, like turn the other way at the mall to walk away from us. And we have absolutely no idea why, we did try calling messaging to ask and got no response. In my view there is nothing that has happened to cause this, I am sure in her view there was, but not kidding, we have given so much thought to it and there isnt even something small we can think of let alone something big enough for them to act like this. And it hurt for sure, mostly because of the lack of closure. Now I am at a place where I think actually it's on them, if I cant work it out they must have their panties in a twist over something small and if they want to throw a good friendship away over it maybe we weren't as good friends as we thought.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I was friends with a guy from work for years. He left the company in 2014 but we still kept in touch, just not as frequently as when we worked together. About two years ago we were supposed to meet up to go to a Phillies baseball game but he was a no call/no show. I called the next day and left a voice mail but he never responded. Then I tried again a week later and still no response.

I don't know if I did anything to offend him but he never called again. Back in February I ran into him at the supermarket. He was cordial but was evasive when I asked how he was doing and said he had to get going. I asked if he wanted to get together sometime, he said, sure, give me a call. So I did about two weeks later but again never heard back from him.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Then a week prior to her trip she announces that her reason to coming to Visit me...or at least take advantage of my hospitality and good nature was to visit her other pen pal who lives 1.5 hours from me, in a not so nice neighbor hood. I have anxiety and know that this town she wanted to visit was bad, so we said no because we were going to be responsible for her safety.

Respectfully, telling someone 'no you cannot go there' in this context is rude, even as heartfelt and good intentions you may have.

I totally get kindly discussing the area perhaps providing safety tips just in case, maybe a "please check in when you get there and when you leave" if the person seemed open to that but actually telling the person 'no' would get a from me and a nice but to the point discussion of "I appreciate your concern but I'm still going there" and depending on how the conversation went I'd opt to not stay with you and just do my own thing..I suppose in this situation your friend did her own thing and opted not to go at all.

I just wanted to scream. A lot of stuff has happened since then, but I don't have any friends...because of her. I don't trust my own judgement/instincts. I trusted myself to trust her. Therefore, my sense of self-trust goes out the window too.

What do you mean because of her? Has she badmouthed you to other friends?

We were (and are) adults, but I still have emotions of responsibility and if anything happened to her while she was here, I would take it really hard and self responsible.

I get that feeling and understand it but still it wasn't your choice to make.

-----------------
I'm really sorry the friendship ended, when it happens with hard feelings even perhaps one-sided hard feelings it can be difficult to get back up again but I do hope that you still get out and embrace friendships/relationships in general. I do agree with others in that I feel there is a lot more going on than we know (and that's ok) but I also think, like other, some therapy may be helpful if for nothing else other than to help you see you from a different light.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

At this point in my life none of my meaningful friendships (ones I was very close to or mostly close to) have ended in a bad way-they just drifted apart as time, distance, phase of life, etc changed.

I'm still friends with most of those people on FB and occasionally we check in or we 'like' or comment on one's post but other than that it's just keeping up with their lives via FB.

I have had friendships end negatively but those friendships weren't strong to begin with nor were they long friendships. I don't dwell on those friendships at all in my day to day life.

 

[ronandannette]

@Luv0fDisney - am I reading your post incorrectly or have you never actually met this person IRL? As I understand it, she's an on-line friend - pen pal was the term you used? Maybe you'd have better luck with people you did meet IRL over the course of your day-to-day life where you can casually get to know one another and actually spend time together as the relationship grows. It is extremely easy (and apparently common) for people to not be who they seem on-line.

 

[kimblebee]

I’m going through this now.

Back in November or December my friend asked me to go in a playoff hockey pool with him because it was pretty apparent our team would make the playoffs. I said I would and he said promise and I said yes or sure or something.

Then I started working a new job and the draft was going to be on a night I was working..I was actually still in training. So, I told him I couldn’t make it.

He has 100% stopped talking to me and won’t even answer texts. He thought I should have left work for a few hours and gone back..not happening. Especially since I was still in training.

We (well, he) said some pretty mean things and that was the first time that’s ever happened. He was like a big brother to me and we have/had been friends for over 20 years. Like, best friends. We were best friends from the day we met. I miss him but I’m not going to beg for him to talk to me. If he reaches out, I’ll reapond but I won’t bow down and apologize or anything.

 

[Kellykins1218]

One of my childhood best friends. My family was at her house a few days before my baby shower and the last thing she & her mom said was "See you Sunday." They didn't come to the shower. There were bad storms that day so I really didn't think much about it. I called to see if they wanted some of the leftover goodies from the shower and ended up leaving a message. I left several messages over the next couple of weeks and then gave up. She just dropped off the face of the Earth when it came to me. 12 years later we re-connected and are friends again. I never even asked what happened but found out that she adopted her son due to fertility problems. My guess is she had found out that she couldn't have kids around then. I just wish she'd have told me instead of just disappearing.

 

[Pugsly]

I had a friend who I considered my BFF. We were both single moms and our kids were in school together. We talked on the phone every day and got together weekly.

When I met my now DH, I made it a point to continue getting together & phone calls. DH and I faced a few struggles in terms of his ex-wife trying to break us up; of course, I leaned on my friend and vented to her. She stopped talking to me without any explanation.

When I left town (because DH and I were engaged and moving in together), she sent an email wishing me the best. I responded, asking her to stay in touch, but never heard back from her. DS ended up working for the same company as she did when he graduated college and she asked him to tell me she thought of me often, but nothing else. Still scratching my head over that one.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Best childhood friend and I fulfilled a bucket item and traveled together; it was a disaster. Initially, she was the "leader" and I, the "follower", in our relationship. The dynamics changed during the trip and neither of us coped very well with it.
Haven't seen her in almost 40 years and I'm perfectly fine with it.
Oh right and her mother and my mother remained good friends down through the decades (they'd known each other since they were in their tweens) but her mother was dependent on my ex-friend to attend my mother's memorial service. Not so surprisingly her mom didn't make it to my mother's final service.

I'm very...discerning about who I consider a friend vs an acquaintance. I can count how many people I'm intimate enough to be friends with on one hand and it mirrors what my grandmothers told me long ago.

 

[bapcap]

My husband and I were friends with 3 families for close to 20 years, all our kids grew up together and we would take lots of trips all together...beach, camping, etc. One day I had found out they were all going to Hawaii on vacation and I really hurt my feelings that we had not been asked to go with them. My husband told me not to get upset, but I felt bad. After that, we were not included in most of their get-togethers. What bothers me is that when we do get together, maybe once a year, it’s because we do the inviting and hosting. I really do miss our friends and don’t know what we might have done to offend them.
Guess my only good friend now is my daughter...

 

[Poohforyou]

Hello... I'm curious whether or not people had a really good friend leave them... like end their friendship, pretty much over something stupid.

I have. Many many times. Unfortunately. My last one in 2016 when my BFF from Texas decided to easily walk away from our friendship when she didn't get her way. I took it hard because I thought of her like a sister. It also made me think about how people can easily walk away from something or someone because I have trouble walking away from most things.

Long story short: she had a trip planned to come visit me up here by NYC. I had a lot of plans for her trip, exciting ones. Then a week prior to her trip she announces that her reason to coming to Visit me...or at least take advantage of my hospitality and good nature was to visit her other pen pal who lives 1.5 hours from me, in a not so nice neighbor hood. I have anxiety and know that this town she wanted to visit was bad, so we said no because we were going to be responsible for her safety.

So she cancelled her flight 3 days prior to coming...never heard from her again. The only one who took it hard was me. How can she easily walk away? We were messaging each other daily and facetiming every other day. This effected me greatly because it was the last time I looked forward to something. That people just take away everything from me. Looking forward to her visit for 3-4 months, then 3 days prior, she's not coming.

I just wanted to scream. A lot of stuff has happened since then, but I don't have any friends...because of her. I don't trust my own judgement/instincts. I trusted myself to trust her. Therefore, my sense of self-trust goes out the window too.

Post your friendship breakups below.

You told another adult that she couldn't go someplace while visiting you? I think I'd take a hard look at a friendship like that. It isn't your place to dictate what another adult can and can't do.

Offering your opinion, saying you won't participate, etc is fine. Saying she can't do something, that's over the line.

If you're losing friends frequently and abruptly perhaps you should look inward.

 

[Domo]

Used to be good friends with someone from work. One day I heard them insulting me behind my back. The next day it turned out she'd swindled my Dad out of thousands of pounds. Enough was enough.

 

[mousefan73]

I have had lots fizzle out over the years, but the one that hurts the most is my friend who died. There are so many times I want to pick up the phone. I miss her friendship so much. I don’t know why, but I just never thought about my friends dying.

So sorry. That hurts. Still think almost daily on an old friend whose friendship drifted apart due to distance, work and kids from both sides. Miss her. Kills me we lost touch those last few years.

 

[mousefan73]

I agree, however sometimes we cant dont know what it was.
As a couple DH and I had another couple we were good friends with, a workmate of DH, we had been to each others hens/stag nights and weddings, baby showers, theirs kids birthday parties etc.
Then we just got ghosted, like turn the other way at the mall to walk away from us. And we have absolutely no idea why, we did try calling messaging to ask and got no response. In my view there is nothing that has happened to cause this, I am sure in her view there was, but not kidding, we have given so much thought to it and there isnt even something small we can think of let alone something big enough for them to act like this. And it hurt for sure, mostly because of the lack of closure. Now I am at a place where I think actually it's on them, if I cant work it out they must have their panties in a twist over something small and if they want to throw a good friendship away over it maybe we weren't as good friends as we thought.

Could also be a comment you once said and they took the wrong way. Some people are over sensitive on things we might feel is nothing. And we never realize. In my case I am guilty on this. Years ago my then BF told me she was pregnant. My natural reaction was more shock and disappointment than happiness and hugs. She was married but had almost separated right before getting pregnant. I had issues with her DH. Also knowing they have had unprotected sex for yeeears and nothing. So my comment was “ are you sure? Maybe it’s something else?” ( referring to skipped periods). Our realtionship chilled and naturally was never the same. We still were friends but her baby and me living innthe city and still living the single life were 2 different things. Looking back Inwas upset as her pregnancy changed our friend dynamics. Years later her mom told me that comment hurt her.

 

[mummabear]

Could also be a comment you once said and they took the wrong way

For sure it must be something like that, what I was saying though, if after great thought by both of us, we cant even come up with could it be when we said x, or did y, then it's on them, if they are willing to throw away a long friendship, over something so small that even on reflection we cant work out what small thing might have upset them, then the friendship was never as good as we thought.

 

[EMom]

Only two that I can think of.

1. I had been very good friends with “Amy” since junior high. At the end of our junior year, we both decided to run for an office which was a big deal at our school and something you dream of making, due to all the perks. There were 5 distinct offices and it had always been the case in the past that two people wound up running for each of those 5 spots. As it turned out, THREE of us (all very good friends with each other) decided to run for the same office. I figured we all had a similar shot at winning, and the winner would probably only win by a few votes. I never considered letting it hurt my friendships with these two girls. One would win and two would lose. We campaigned for a few weeks and I thought all was well.

The morning of the assembly (we gave a speech and performed a skit, then voted) word got out that Amy had dropped out of the race, so it was down to two. I had a hunch why she’d dropped out. Her BF was extremely possessive and hated the idea of her winning such a high profile position. But what she told everyone was a different story. She said she dropped out because I would hold it against her if she won and had in essence, pressured her to quit in order to save the friendship. It was a complete lie. I’d never even talked to her about the race. I suppose enough people saw through her story, because I won anyway. But she took a lot of the fun out of winning.

I still spoke to her, but the friendship was ruined.

2. A relative, who was also one of my closest friends, begged to move into an empty house I owned because otherwise, she and her kids would be homeless. I let her do so for no charge. They completely trashed the house. When they eventually moved out, they left behind so much crap that it took me several trips and a lot of money to clean it up. And she never even apologized. At some point, she became a user and I hadn’t realized it. I rarely speak to her now, and we had been as close as sisters since infancy.