Handling Special Needs Kids, Meltdowns in Sports

[nwdisgal]

Ok, I just read the excellent post asking how you handle rude comments in general from people in public with your Autistic child (i.e hidden visibilities and when to explain/not explain behavior) and all the great suggestions from everyone. My question is similiar, but it involves those of you who have kids in sports and how you keep your cool. Today, I had a problem with my DS who is on a mainsteam swim team and hoping you can help.

I went to pick up DS and DD from swim practice and one of the moms was sitting there watching me. As I started to walk off with my son (who has High Functioning Autism) she remarked to her daughter "You don't have to worry now. That boy is out of the pool and won't be bothering you anymore (clearly referring to my son, because he was the only boy in the pool at the time)." She didn't say the remark to my face, waited until I was walking off (but still within earshot), so I stopped for a moment, gave her a dirty glance, then grabbed the assistant coach and asked in a very loud and distinct voice "has my son been misbehaving at swim practice today and bothering other children". The coach told me that DS had been acting up a little bit, but nothing of great concern. The misbehavior (which he didn't even feel necessary to tell me what it was) had been addressed and taken care of. The assistant coach is currently subbing for the regular coach who is on vacation and fairly new to our swim club. So in that case, I also added outloud " You know he has autism, right?" The assistant coach nodded and said "No worries." I just said that so the coach would now what was driving the issues. So everything was cool with the coach. My question is, DS has practice again on Wednesday, and if this woman is there, should I say something to her personally or just let it go, unless she says something again? My son and her daughter will potentially have to share a swim lane because they are in the same age group. DD says these people are new to the swim club.

I did have a talk with DS when we came home about his behavior. I talked to him about what was acceptable at the pool and gave some strategies in case he upset another child. He told me he had been acting up today because he was worried about the other kids beating him at swimming. I told him not worry about what the other kids were doing and just pay attention to his own swimming and listening to the coaches - that is how he'll become a fast swimmer.

I know sports are really hard for kids with Autism and other Special Needs. One of my SLPs told me, alot of it has to do with all the verbal input that is going on during the activity and they have to sort through all of that which is like a maze sometimes. That doesn't even get into the sensory issues they face with water splashing and the tight fitting goggles For those of you that have kids in sports, how do you handle your kids melt downs at practice, or the game, especially with the stage parents and their rude remarks?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I did have a talk with DS when we came home about his behavior. I talked to him about what was acceptable at the pool and gave some strategies in case he upset another child.

It probably would have helped if these issues were addressed before he joined the team.

 

[M&M]

I’m sure the coach and the team has aware of his son’s issues prior to him joining the team.

Everyone has issues—special needs or not. People should think before they speak because you never know what’s going on with a person.

We will be facing those same issues as our son will start team sports soon and we’ll explain the issues prior to joining, I have ordered the AUTISM AWARENESS BRACELETS for us to wear while practicing and participating. I want others who may not “know” to” know” without us explaining to the entire gym, field, or whatever. It something like when you see a woman wearing the deep pink breast cancer Tshirt—you instantly know—she is a breast cancer survivor. We are hoping we get the same effect.

 

[magic kingdom park]

Since becoming a parent of an 8 year old boy who is high functioning autistic, I have noticed that most parents who have "normal" children, who have never been around or delt with any kind of special needs children tend to make these remarks without knowing. Before I became a mother I use to think boy that kid is really a brat (he may have been acting up in a public place), I always thought to myself but never said anything out loud, I now realize sometimes there is an invisable disabilty that we can't see that maybe causing the problem. That mother probably has never been introduced into a situation concerning a child with disabilities, and with the comments that she made to her daughter that leads me to think that her daughter will never give any child with special needs a chance as a person, only as a problem. Some adults with comments like that just makes me . Sorry for venting but you have a different outlook on life when delt with a situation such as having a child with a disabilitiy.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

No. What I meant was, and I quoted what I was commenting on, that the son should have been talked to about what was acceptable at the pool and whatnot before he began. Not everyone else.

 

[mbb]

they play in a "under 8"mainstream summer rec leaugue...just for fun, and some physical activity...

Practice once/week, and a game...and every week, despite our best social stories about fun, friends, and "learning" how to kick and play..we end up with tears..."that kid (from the other team) got a goal on me!" etc, etc...

Our philosophy -as coaches- everyone plays net, everyone plays center, everyone plays defense, everyone has a turn...and everyone has fun...

Meanwhile, our kids are crying because they want to be back in net...

Great coaches, aren't we...??LOL!
And the boys are excited about going back again next week..go figure

Some of the kids on our team have asked why the boys cry so much..and some of the parents have made a comment about it as well...

To the kids, I say that Tavish and Declan need a little extra help in understanding the game, and sometimes a little more encouragement..the conversation usually goes like this:
"How do you feel when someone tells you that you're doing a great job, and suggests trying this when you kick the ball?"
Child replies:"I feel good! And then I try it, and it works...the ball goes further"
"Well, Tav and Dec need all of us to help them learn..it's ok to tell them that it's ok to cry, you're still doing a great job, try it this way buddy"
Child feels lifted, happy to help a friend, and is able to tell their parent that Tav and Dec just need a little more help sometimes.

To the parent...well, it depends on their understanding of Autism...sometimes it's just enough to say they have it, and fine...other times, it can be a little more complicated...and I'll use the same analogy about the boys needing a little more help, and throw in a few words like inclusion, acceptance and tolerance being important values to teach our children...

And if that doesn't work, I pull out the "extra coaches would really help - then all of the kids could have more one-on-one time"

Good luck!
Let us know

 

[Figment1964]

No. What I meant was, and I quoted what I was commenting on, that the son should have been talked to about what was acceptable at the pool and whatnot before he began. Not everyone else.

For my son, we do talk about what is acceptable prior to events (even going in a store, etc.) but he isn't always able to follow through on it...unfortunately that's part of his disability. And, as has been mentioned before, all the extra sensory input going on, the OP's son may not have been able to pull that instruction from his memory bank right then.

 

[nwdisgal]

It probably would have helped if these issues were addressed before he joined the team.

That's a good point and maybe my post was not as clear as it should have been about the overall picture/background going into this. It was late when I was posting

Actually, the behavioral issues were addressed when DS joined. At the time we had a private Skills Trainer working with him on general social skills issues, his dad and I also worked with him (there were several conditions laid out before he even was allowed to join swim team). Also, the coaches work with him (on going), as we do when issues come up. Up until now, our biggest headache has been getting him used to all the steps of correctly "pushing off the gate" and avoiding false starts (lots of sequential steps that have to be followed). Sometimes though the best preparation can go to pot when a routine is off, and that is what happened yesterday.

First of all, the head coach (who is usually his main influence) is gone on vacation. Her assistant (who my son is also familiar with) was absent yesterday for some reason. There was another coach sitting in, who was subbing for both the coaches (that's why I asked if he knew about my son's condition). Finally, I usually take the kids to swimming, then DH comes towards the middle of the practice (he works a block from the pool) as he gets off work, and interacts with the coaches at the end of practice, etc. He was on a business trip yesterday, so everything was out order in that regard, too

 

[Earstou]

It probably would have helped if these issues were addressed before he joined the team.

If the OP's ds is like mine, there is no way she could possibly know about all of the issues that might present themselves. When my ds first started soccer (age 4), he would present with a new "odd" behavior at EVERY game. One game he made circles with his fingers and wore them as glasses! Of course, he couldn't see very well and kept falling on or tripping the other players. We discussed this afterwards, and it was an issue that was addressed before every game after this. So then the next time he decided it was like football, and he was tackling people. So this was added to the list given before a game of what not to do. Next game his arms were windshield wipers during the entire game (it was cloudy and had sprinkled for a few seconds). This was added to the list!!! By the end of the season we had a very looong list!
At the beginning, I never could have imagined all the things my ds came up with to do.
We always talk before an event, but we aren't mind readers, or autism experts, and we can't always predict what our children are going to do!

 

[nwdisgal]

I want others who may not “know” to” know” without us explaining to the entire gym, field, or whatever. It something like when you see a woman wearing the deep pink breast cancer Tshirt—you instantly know—she is a breast cancer survivor. We are hoping we get the same effect.

Good luck to you I need to order that bracelet myself.

That mother probably has never been introduced into a situation concerning a child with disabilities, and with the comments that she made to her daughter that leads me to think that her daughter will never give any child with special needs a chance as a person, only as a problem. Some adults with comments like that just makes me . Sorry for venting but you have a different outlook on life when delt with a situation such as having a child with a disabilitiy.

ITA! I was having exactly those thoughts when I gave her the dirty look. We definately have a few stage mom and dads in that swim club, too. I just want to say, get your feet on the ground, it's not the end of the world if your child isn't the next Olympic Swim Champion For the first couple of meets this season, we were just tickled pink if DS made it through the meet without getting DQ'd in an event for a false start

Thanks guys for all the great suggestions and support. Also, I can relate to the story about kids at soccer games. In our previous location, I was in a great moms support group, and we used to exchange stories about our kids and soccer. One of my favorite stories was a mom who told about her little boy who had a strong interest in dinosaurs. He was put in as goalie for the soccer team. He was so busy "digging for and searching for dinosaur bones" over at the goal and not too concerned about the other team scoring His mom had a good sense of humor about it though.

 

[M&M]

I'm very proud of all of your efforts nwdisgal. You and your DH did alot of prep work. As another post stated--we all try to prepare but sometimes the list of what not to do get very long. It's so comforting to hear of these stories because although their are alot of us out there--it's sometimes feel like we are all alone.

 

[JenJen]

How do you even get your kids to join sports? My son refuses to do any sport he gets anxiety even thinking about it. The only thing I can get him to do is swim for physical activity. I don't want to "make" him do something he does not want to do but I want him to experiance new things. Any suggestions?
Thankyou
Jen Jen

 

[itsagloomyday]

For my son, we do talk about what is acceptable prior to events (even going in a store, etc.) but he isn't always able to follow through on it...unfortunately that's part of his disability. And, as has been mentioned before, all the extra sensory input going on, the OP's son may not have been able to pull that instruction from his memory bank right then.

...and sometimes reminding a child in the spectrum what not to do backfires and they perseverate (their brain gets stuck) and they do the very behavior you wanted them not to.

We have joined some "special needs" sports programs. Unfortunately not all special needs coaches understand the child's disability. As my autistic son's soccer coach pulled him to the sideline when he was 5 years old and yelled at him that he needed to learn to be a "team player".

 

[nwdisgal]

How do you even get your kids to join sports? My son refuses to do any sport he gets anxiety even thinking about it. The only thing I can get him to do is swim for physical activity. I don't want to "make" him do something he does not want to do but I want him to experiance new things. Any suggestions?

To be quite honest, DS is not very interested in many sports, either. Swimming is one of the few sports he will participate in. I credit a lot of his interest in the sport because of his older sister. He wants to do what she's doing. When he saw her on swim team he said " I want to be on that team." I told him, well if you want to be on swim team you have to learn to swim and we worked from there, starting with lessons and moving up. Fortunately, the gal that ran the swim lesson program at our pool was also a Special Ed teacher. I think any individual sport is a good area to start for your child. Try to look towards things of interest for your child that can incorporate sports. I've talked to parents who've had success with martial arts, gymnastics, swimming, and horseback riding for their kids. We actually have a program where I live called H.A.P.I (can't remember what the acronym stands for). H.A.P.I works with kids who have Autism and Special Needs of all sorts through horseback riding, not only as a means of exercise, but also offering occupational therapy as well. Good luck to you.

 

[Schmeck]

Back to the OT - if you get a chance to see the mom and her daughter at the next practice, why not go up to her, with your son, have him apologize for whatever he did to bother the girl, and explain to the woman your son's situation. It might work a lot better in smoothing things out than throwing dirty looks her way. Your son might benefit from the social situation, and the girl might become more aware and understanding as well.

Perhaps her daughter has issues as well, and her mom is posting about 'the woman whose son did something to my daughter that upset her, and the mother just gave me a dirty look" on another BB.

 

[disneyelaine]

How do we handle sports? Well we always talk to the coach beforehand and if he can, my husband volunteers to help out. I give the coach hints on how to see a meltdown coming on & let them know how to best handle it for our son. But one of us is always on the sidelines. My son is 8 and we have done soccer, basketball, floor hockey, tball and finally karate. Some of these were sports at the YMCA, not thru the school or league. The Y seems to be a better fit for us as the people are more understanding and the sport is more for fun vs. little league or SAY soccer. Karate has been a godsend. My son is loving everything about it. I think it is the discipline & how each class is basically the same format, the sameness appeals to him I think.

We don't push him, these were all things he asked to do when the papers were sent home from school.

He has had a few meltdowns during a game. We handle it by taking him out of the situation and he either calms down & rejoins the game or we go home. Most of the time he is fine, but things do happen. One time my son got in a bit of an altercation with another child. I saw the fit coming and as it was just practice, we left early. Well the mom of the other child thought I was mad because the kids were just being boys basically. THe coach told me she wanted to apologize to me for her child's behavior. I did tell that parent about my son's autism and assured her I was not mad at her child, I just did not want a meltdown. I do not think it does my son good to have a fit in front of his peers. Plus it will just scare the other kids. But for the most part I only share the info with the coach, not the other parents.

 

[HopperFan]

Schmeck, that is a good idea. My first thought when I read the OP was that the woman was very rude (and she was) and that she should have gone to the coach and explained that "Tommy" made my daughter uncomfortable when he "so and so". The coach could have taken the opportunity to explain the situation to the parent and totally diffuse her concerns. Better yet, when nwdisgal returned, he could have also introduced them so she could have better explained the situation. Now since this did not happen, if I were nwdisgal I would go ahead and do it anyway. They may be at your pool a long time, and why not "educate" her.

I will say my very special DS is much older than my DD, so she has been exposed to his peers, friends etc her whole life. She has seen so many quirks, behaviors, meldowns, anxiety and panic attacks that it is normal behavior to her. BUT, we do go through times when one of his peers may make her uncomfortable and she is kinda upset. I can only imagine what a little girl may feel if she has discomfort AND no knowledge or experience dealing with this situation. You just don't know, in the end she could become an advocate for him. I have seen it happen.

As far as sports, I have a good one. RUNNING. It is an individual sport (that can be a team sport) but for most it is self pride. (my DS high school team actually has 2 runners with special issues, one more severe than the other). My other DS and DD are both runners. They are pretty good, so we do lots of public races in addition to the team races. Many of the races include family fun runs which are usually 1k or 1 mile long. We decided to let my other DS "run" in some. He walks and runs but I tell you he is so proud. Everyone gets a free tshirt (which he loves) and food at the end. We have found that the running community is very supportive of everyone. They clap for him and cheer him on even if he is last, even if he is the only "adult" running with kids. One race, sponsored by a large church he ran even though it was for 12 & under. He was 20. In the end, they gave him a 2nd Place medal and announced his name as their Special Olympican athlete. Talk about PROUD ! He has collected a few medals and lots of shirts, and we sure have gotten lots of support and warm fuzzies from strangers.

 

[nwdisgal]

Back to the OT - if you get a chance to see the mom and her daughter at the next practice, why not go up to her, with your son, have him apologize for whatever he did to bother the girl, and explain to the woman your son's situation. It might work a lot better in smoothing things out than throwing dirty looks her way. Your son might benefit from the social situation, and the girl might become more aware and understanding as well.

That's a good point and if I see her tomorrow at practice, I'll do that.

 

[JenJen]

Thanks for all the advise it is nice to know there are others going through the same issues.
JenJen

 

[bopper]

Can you talk to him about the fact that other kids might beat him in swimming but the main thing is for him to try to improve upon his own times?