birthday dinner etiquette question

[happyleesh]

so I want to have a birthday dinner for DH but our apartment is way too small (700 square feet!). It will something simple, low-key and fun, just 10ish people. I'm looking into renting a small room if it is available but if not we're having it at a restaurant, someplace like applebees, chilis, etc. My question is this: When you're invited to someones birthday dinner at a restaurant, do you expect to pay for yourself? This is my first time hosting a party at a place like this and I don't know the etiquette. Obviously if we're hosting it at the rented place we'll be providing all the food, drinks, etc but it's looking like it will be at the restaurant. So, what's the proper etiquette here? Thanks!

 

[kimblebee]

so I want to have a birthday dinner for DH but our apartment is way too small (700 square feet!). It will something simple, low-key and fun, just 10ish people. I'm looking into renting a small room if it is available but if not we're having it at a restaurant, someplace like applebees, chilis, etc. My question is this: When you're invited to someones birthday dinner at a restaurant, do you expect to pay for yourself? This is my first time hosting a party at a place like this and I don't know the etiquette. Obviously if we're hosting it at the rented place we'll be providing all the food, drinks, etc but it's looking like it will be at the restaurant. So, what's the proper etiquette here? Thanks!

Since it's at a restaurant, I would expect to pay for my own meal. I would not think it was tacky either (I LOATHE that word)

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

This is one of those situations where wording is everything.

For example, if I am coming to a birthday party hosted by you and it is a gift-giving event, you should be paying for dinner. If I am getting together at a restaurant for a friend's birthday with a group of friends to celebrate and catch up, I should pay for my own dinner (and chipping in a few extra bucks towards the birthday person's meal is nice also).

 

[ziggystardust]

We do this all the time. Basically the understanding is that it's split among everyone. Say you have 10 including the guest of honor - the bill is split 9 ways. So everyone is paying a portion of the birthday boy's or girl's dinner.

 

[shoney]

when celebrating an event like a birthday, I as the host, would pay the bill. I would not expect guests to pay for their own meal.

My friends/family have done the same as well.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I personally would not invite someone to a birthday party, restaurant or not, and expect them to pay for their food.

This happened to us once last year and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

We were invited to a birthday party for a friend and the invite said nothing about paying for our own food. We got to the party and it was in a private room. We were told once we arrived to order all of our food and drinks from the servers in the room because the host had to get us to hit a certain dollar amount to get the use of the room for free. Oooookay. What made me most peeved was that when it was time for dinner, we were given special menus with 4-5 options on them...all very expensive. We were told we had to order off THAT menu. We had been to this restaurant before and we typically order much lower cost entrees (like a burger). We left the party feeling not very happy about how it was handled, especially since we were not told we'd be limited to a certain menu and have to pay for food much more expensive than what we typically order.

If I was in your position, I'd do one of the following:

1) Just invite the #of people who can comfortably fit in your apt and throw your own party.

2) Invite the people to an inexpensive restaurant (maybe a pizza place) where you can afford to pay for everyone's food.

3) Have a small BBQ at a local park.

4) Tell the 10 people that you are taking your DH out for his birthday and XYZ restaurant and that you'd love for them to join you, but make it clear that everyone pays their own way.

Hope your DH has a great birthday!!!

 

[WDSearcher]

I would expect to pay for myself. If I were hosting, though, I'd probably let people know that I'd pay for the first round of drinks and a couple of shared appetizers, but that everyone was on their own for dinner.

 

[WDSearcher]

I personally would not invite someone to a birthday party, restaurant or not, and expect them to pay for their food.

This happened to us once last year and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

We were invited to a birthday party for a friend and the invite said nothing about paying for our own food. We got to the party and it was in a private room. We were told once we arrived to order all of our food and drinks from the servers in the room because the host had to get us to hit a certain dollar amount to get the use of the room for free. Oooookay. What made me most peeved was that when it was time for dinner, we were given special menus with 4-5 options on them...all very expensive. We were told we had to order off THAT menu. We had been to this restaurant before and we typically order much lower cost entrees (like a burger). We left the party feeling not very happy about how it was handled, especially since we were not told we'd be limited to a certain menu and have to pay for food much more expensive than what we typically order.

But in this case, the problem wasn't that you had to pay for your own food -- the problem was that you didn't know that going in and then when you got there, you had limited choices. If the host had told you that up front, you would have been able to choose whether or not to attend.

I have no issue with paying my own way at a celebration dinner as long as I know I'm doing that. It's surprising people with the cost that's wrong, IMO.

 

[Meriweather]

Just make it clear, so your guests know they are paying.

I would, and have many times, paid the whole bill. Just did it Mar 25 for DDIL's birthday.
There were 8 of us at Claim Jumpers.
Will be doing it tomorrow for DH's BD too.

But, I would not be opposed to paying for my own..........if I know ahead. That way if they don't want to, they can decline the invitation.

 

[ksjayhawks]

If the wording was "You are invited to celebrate dh's birthday with us at xyz restaurant" I would assume that you were hosting and party and would be paying. If that is what you want to do, then invite the number that you can pay for. I would figure out what you would spend on renting the hall and food, look at the menu of the place you are going and figure out how many you could pay for, then invite that number. Figure a little high per person to allow for tax, tip, unexpected.

If that isn't what you are going to do, follow a pp's advice and say "I am treating dh to a meal at xyz restaurant for his birthday. If anyone wants to meet us there, paying your own way of course, that would be great." When you are there, you could order two or three appetizers to share.

 

[happyleesh]

So how would you word it if you wanted to make that clear - that they were paying for themselves - can't really just say, "Bring your wallet!" at the bottom of the invite, lol.

I do like the BBQ idea and would love to have it at my place but seriously, we don't even have a dining room table and just have a loveseat with about 10sq ft of floor space in the living room, it is TINY.

 

[nchulka]

I did this just recently for my mom's surprise 60th birthday. On the invitation I included the name and address of the restaurant and put that cake would be provided. This implied to each person that they would be buying their own meal. I also specifically put on the invitation that there were to be no gifts, that their presence was their present. I've been to many of these events and never expected my meal to be paid for. Basically it's just meeting at a restaurant to celebrate with someone on their special day. The restaurant we went to did not charge for their room and allowed me to bring in a cake

 

[disykat]

The way to make it clear you aren't paying is to invite them to a "no host" gathering.

Personally, I don't think your apartment sounds too small for 10 people.

 

[anniemae]

I would assume you were paying if you invited me to celebrate a birthday dinner. I would not oppose to paying my own way, but would want that made clear.

You could word it with something like, "please join us for dinner at xyz restaurant at your own expense" I would also put something there about not bringing a gift.

 

[soccerdad72]

This is one of those situations where wording is everything.

For example, if I am coming to a birthday party hosted by you and it is a gift-giving event, you should be paying for dinner. If I am getting together at a restaurant for a friend's birthday with a group of friends to celebrate and catch up, I should pay for my own dinner (and chipping in a few extra bucks towards the birthday person's meal is nice also).

I agree, it's all about the wording. If I was invited to come meet up for dinner in order to celebrate someone's birthday, I would assume I'm paying for myself. If, however, I was invited to a "birthday party", I would figure it's being paid for (but plan on paying just in case).

 

[VAfamily1998]

I've been "invited" to celebrations like that (at a restaurant where I'm expected to pay my own way) and didn't feel put out or anything, but if *I* was doing the inviting, I would insist on paying for everyone.

Personally, if there is no way I could afford to pay for everyone, I'd either pare down the guest list to a number I could afford to pay for, or I'd host something simpler--like just appetizers and dessert or something.

 

[design_mom]

I agree that it's all in setting the expectations. I don't have a problem with paying my own way to "celebrate with" the birthday person at a restaurant... as long as I know ahead of time.

However, I have also been to a party at a restaurant that I *thought* was hosted but was not. It was held in the restaurant's party room. This invitation was "Come to ___'s 30th birthday party!" The food was catered (not ordered from a menu) and rather lavish, but then "the host" came around and told everyone how much their portion of the bill was. That left a bad taste in my mouth and was an expensive night out!

So, in short, if you present it as "I'm throwing a party for ___'s birthday and I hope you'll come" then I think the host should pay... but I'd have no second thoughts about celebrating with the birthday boy at a restaurant (at my own expense) as long as that was my expectation going in.

 

[luvmy3]

When I invited my dh's family out to dinner to celebrate his birthday, I paid for everyone's dinner. Of course my BIL did point out that we were out for dh and he ended up paying for his own "party"

 

[mjkacmom]

That's tough. If you are not paying, be very casual about the invite (maybe just a text), saying that if anyone is free, you are taking DH out for dinner on his birthday, and anyone is welcome to join you.

If you invite people to a birthday dinner, it looks like you are paying, that it's a party for him.

 

[yoopermom]

Don't be dumb like we were, when DSIL planned a surprise bday party for DMIL at a nice restaurant. The way she worded it sounded like everyone was paying their own way. When the bill came, it turned out that she expected the three kids to split the total. Instead of $50, it was a $400 evening for us, ouch!

Terri