Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[erin1715]

Replying to the bolded: I just wanted to reply specifically to your post because it sounds like you and I have been through similar fertility struggles. We've been married almost 13 years and haven't been able to have children even with the help of a few reproductive endocrinologists. Adoption is too expensive for us, and so we're getting comfortable with the idea of liking things the way they are. Just wanted to send you hugs, and know that you aren't alone. And it's helpful to know that I'm not alone too!

I lived this too and I know how hard it is to be thrown for a loop where family planning is concerned. I lost sixteen babies in between my first child (who was also hard to conceive ) and my twins. They never could find out what was wrong and I conceived my twins naturally and by accident. While trying to conceive my first, work was so hard when coupled with fertility treatments. It was very difficult to work when I just wanted to be home raising my future child. Good luck to you. I hope you get the family you want. I would suggest perhaps some education in the meantime. It will occupy your time and mind and maybe you'll find a passion for a new field that you'd never considered.[/QUOTE]

I LOVE hearing stories about naturally conceived babies after fertility struggles, and twins to boot is just a miracle! I do have a Bachelors degree and have thought about going back to school, but I'm still paying off student loans and don't want to add to that load. Plus I can never decide what I would want to do anyway.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

OP - You do what works for you and offer no apologies. People are always ready to judge, but they don't always understand where you are.

FWIW - I have worked a LOT of different jobs. People will often tell you that you could/should do something more/better. That's their opinion. You live your life based on your facts.

 

[ronandannette]

"
...I used to do a lot of scrapbooking, for instance, I had well-tended flower beds, and I cleaned more often. Lately I do the minimum amount of cleaning necessary, let the flower beds go more "natural" and run the photos as a screen saver instead of getting them in books. If I had more time, those things would easily fill back in, as would volunteering, more time spent reading, and several home improvement and organization projects on my list.

Oh how fondly I remember those days. Our current plan has me working until I'm 70 - God willing. That's a loooong time from now but until then I'll daydream about getting back to all those lovely pursuits.

 

[North of Mouse]

I read many replies from women with children here, but only a few answering the question of the OP. Again, the question was for women who stay home and don't have children. And so, I am still curious.

If you read my posts, I stated with/without children. I've always been a SAH wife/mom. I was busy/occupied with many of the same things - added things, of course, as the 'littles' came!

We are happy with what works for us - nothing else matters! Dh's income has always been 'our' income as I work as much as he does!! I even have a couple credit cards in my name only (just for added security) proving that card companies accept his/our income as 'joint'.

Just thought of another benefit dh & I enjoyed as me being a SAHM. He was transferred several times in his career, and I could easily move 'wherever' whenever we needed to. Also, we took vacations fairly often, and I never had to think about my schedule in doing so.
Were these our considerations when our decision for me staying home was made? Nope, but they have been 'fringe' benefits.

 

[Colleen27]

We've always had a plan for me to be financially independent in the case of death, disability, divorce, medical catastrophe, etc. And I don't think this plan is necessary just for SAH people. I think everyone should have a plan like this. Always keeping in mind, of course, that even with that, there's no guarantees. I've seen gainfully employed people get the rug pulled out from under them, too.

And, realistically, short of a complete governmental meltdown and economic collapse, I've arrived in a place now where I'll never need to find paid employment, no matter what happens. Divorce, disability or death, I'm taken care of. I actually attended an informational retirement seminar about it, not long ago (my husband's retirement, not mine, obviously). We got lucky, yes, but it seems we also chose well, when it came to making those big life decisions.

Amen! As I said before, some of the people I know who were left in the worst position after a divorce were employed. They were also accustomed to a lifestyle and neighborhood that took two incomes to afford, so neither spouse could manage to keep it up after the marriage broke down, or had a huge discrepancy in earning potential and were essentially working poor without the higher-earning spouse. Work status isn't the only or the most important factor in dealing with the unexpected and unforeseen; it is one factor among many, both tangible and intangible. SAHMs can be prepared and capable, and working moms can be blindsided and flounder, or vice versa.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just thought of another benefit dh & I enjoyed as me being a SAHM. He was transferred several times in his career, and I could easily move 'wherever' whenever we needed to. Also, we took vacations fairly often, and I never had to think about my schedule in doing so.
Were these our considerations when our decision for me staying home was made? Nope, but they have been 'fringe' benefits.

We actually DID factor in those things---they are a big benifit to us.
Now that kids are grown, along those lines is that I can often tag along on DH's work trips; we enjoy seeing one another more, I get to site see in lots of lovely places and he benefits from fewer lonely nights in hotel rooms. A few years ago I floated the idea of looking for work as the kis were getting older and I was learning the langauge and he said if I really wanted to work, sure, do it for myself, but perosnally he'd really prefer we keep that flexibilty and he was so looking forward to having me along on trips---and I don't really want to work from some fufillment standpoint, so that has been that.

Now? The company is talking about maybe sending us for weeks at a time to Asia as he grows the program he has built in Europe in a new region----me being able to go along for 4-6 weeks and enjoy one new place after an other with him makes that prospect much more exiting from both of our standpoints.

 

[tzolkin]

Amen! As I said before, some of the people I know who were left in the worst position after a divorce were employed. They were also accustomed to a lifestyle and neighborhood that took two incomes to afford, so neither spouse could manage to keep it up after the marriage broke down, or had a huge discrepancy in earning potential and were essentially working poor without the higher-earning spouse. Work status isn't the only or the most important factor in dealing with the unexpected and unforeseen; it is one factor among many, both tangible and intangible. SAHMs can be prepared and capable, and working moms can be blindsided and flounder, or vice versa.

Yes, this is always something that makes me nervous when married couples who both work keep their money separate and do not communicate or have any shared goals.

A. What happens if one spouse dies?
B. There's no plan for any other emergencies.

We have a few friends who recently divorced or separated. The (working FT) wives were used to the lifestyle of "it's my money and I spend it on whatever I want" so it has been a huge adjustment and they are really struggling. (No savings to split because the husbands also spent all of "their own" money however they wanted.)

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

As I said in an earlier post, I strongly believe every adult should be able to support themselves, whether they choose to work or not. When a spouse is financially dependent on the other, it is risky to think you can just jump into the job market if something unfortunate happens. In today's job market, employers require relevant and current job experience for most better paying jobs. A spouse who is dependent on the other for running the household can always hire someone to help cook, clean and take care of the kids. A spouse who is financially dependent can't hire someone to support them. Without skills or experience, they may only have minimum wage job opportunities available to them.

I haven't worked full time in the past 13 years. Prior to that, I had worked for one year, with a eight year gap before that. So, out of the past 22 years, I've worked just one of those years. Just last week, I was offered a full time job paying $15 an hour. I haven't looked at minimum wage laws recently, but I am guessing that $15 an hour is well above minimum. (I live in Alabama.)

And, no, I haven't been keeping up with education or experience. And my current 10 hour a week job, where someone could be trained in a week or two, wouldn't have been considered "experience" for this offer.

I don't have any children. I sit home and eat bon bons all day.

And watch soaps.

I think you misunderstood my "winging it" comment. It was not about the decision to be a SAHM or SAHW/H It was about having a plan for the SAH person to be financially independent in the case of death, disability, divorce, medical catastrophe, etc. No, there isn't a list of marketable skills as that depends on what field you would want to work in if you had to work. I don't doubt you have interesting skills. If you're comfortable that those can lead to gainful employment if absolutely necessary, then I am happy for you.

Death, disability and medical catastrophe, yes. But there is no way in . . . that I am planning for divorce.

 

[quandrea]

I haven't worked full time in the past 13 years. Prior to that, I had worked for one year, with a eight year gap before that. So, out of the past 22 years, I've worked just one of those years. Just last week, I was offered a full time job paying $15 an hour. I haven't looked at minimum wage laws recently, but I am guessing that $15 an hour is well above minimum. (I live in Alabama.)

And, no, I haven't been keeping up with education or experience. And my current 10 hour a week job, where someone could be trained in a week or two, wouldn't have been considered "experience" for this offer.

And watch soaps.

Death, disability and medical catastrophe, yes. But there is no way in . . . that I am planning for divorce.

I agree. Not planning for divorce.

 

[aprilgail]

Written, no. But, I am aware of my legal rights, both as they existed when we first married and as they currently exist after almost 25 years together. At this point, if we divorce, I get half his pension.

I worked with mostly guys when I worked and we could retire at 50 years old- I can't tell you how many are still working well into their 60's because "my ex-wife will get half my pension if I retire, I am trying to wait her out to see if she dies before me so she doesn't get any" and "no way in #### is my wife getting half my pension, I just won't retire" so if your husband is a stubborn jerk you may never get 50% of his pension when he retires!

 

[Magpie]

I worked with mostly guys when I worked and we could retire at 50 years old- I can't tell you how many are still working well into their 60's because "my wife will get half my pension if I retire, I am trying to wait her out to see if she dies before me so she doesn't get any" and "no way in #### is my wife getting half my pension, I just won't retire" so if your husband is a stubborn jerk you may never get 50% of his pension when he retires!

Well, he's over 50, knows down to the day exactly when he'll retire three years from now, and one of his favourite topics of conversation on our evenings walks is where we'll go and what we'll do when he retires. We make jokes about, "Freedom 54".

Maybe you'll think it's foolish of me, but I've never felt the need to actively plan for divorce. Not with him.

My biggest fear is that we're re-enacting that moment from every bad movie ever, where the guy who is two days from retirement shows everyone pics of his family and talks about all the great plans he's got for when he retires. And then he tragically dies in the very next scene!

 

[aprilgail]

My biggest fear is that we're re-enacting that moment from every bad movie ever, where the guy who is two days from retirement shows everyone pics of his family and talks about all the great plans he's got for when he retires. And then he tragically dies in the very next scene!

I always thought of that too- one of the guys at work retired- went to the Dr next day for a routine stress test and dropped dead on the treadmill!! 3o years of work and didn't get to collect one pension check!

 

[ashley0139]

We actually DID factor in those things---they are a big benifit to us.
Now that kids are grown, along those lines is that I can often tag along on DH's work trips; we enjoy seeing one another more, I get to site see in lots of lovely places and he benefits from fewer lonely nights in hotel rooms. A few years ago I floated the idea of looking for work as the kis were getting older and I was learning the langauge and he said if I really wanted to work, sure, do it for myself, but perosnally he'd really prefer we keep that flexibilty and he was so looking forward to having me along on trips---and I don't really want to work from some fufillment standpoint, so that has been that.

Now? The company is talking about maybe sending us for weeks at a time to Asia as he grows the program he has built in Europe in a new region----me being able to go along for 4-6 weeks and enjoy one new place after an other with him makes that prospect much more exiting from both of our standpoints.

On another note, your husband's job sounds cool! Especially since you have the flexibility as well.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Funny, I never worried all that much about the What Ifs myself. Had something happend to DH when the kids were small, I knew both my parents and his would take us in for a bit while I got on my feet---and I was confident i could quickly do so--plus we have life insurance, etc.
In the past several years? Heck, I am not looking for work, do not want it, and still get job offers (teaching or librarian work at the International school, tutoring work, editing doctoral work, etc) a few times a year----and i could easily live off of that espeically with a paid off home and that is the minimum we carry in life insurance at any time.

I don't plan for divorce either. I really do not feel I need to (yes, sigh, I know everyone thinks that). Interstingly, we are premanent residents abroad and part of getting that legal status was DH signing that he will financially support me always---so I probably have some pretty good legal recourse in that arena anyway.

On another note, your husband's job sounds cool! Especially since you have the flexibility as well.

Thanks! He loves what he does---and I love exploring new places and seeing him happy. I have yet to find a town that isn't enjoyble for a few days---even tiny out of the way places with nothing meant for tourists.

 

[pearlieq]

I've read every page of this thread with fascination since I am a housewife who doesn't do paid work and doesn't have kids. There aren't many of us and, in my experience, people are generally befuddled and slightly hostile to the idea. I squirm a bit when people ask me what I do because I've gotten a lot of "Must be nice..." and "What do you DO???" and "I could NEVER!" reactions.

I have a college degree and worked from when I was 14 to when I quit in 2009 to take care of my ill mother. After she passed at the end of 2011, my previous employer offered me a position to return, but I realized I didn't want to. My work was something I was good at but not passionate about, and we found that my not having a job really worked out for us. DH is an exec in IT with long hours and frequent travel. We don't really miss the money I made, but we sure do appreciate the time that has freed up. With me in charge of the house and life admin, he is free to focus entirely on his career, which he loves and excels at. As it turns out, I love and excel at being a 50's-style housewife. It's a great arrangement for us. It also allows me to do volunteer work I am passionate about. Each month I read and distribute books to 300 Head Start kids and work about 50-60 hours at an education charity.

While no one can plan for everything, I've controlled for as much risk as possible. We have savings. We have insurance. If he were unemployed we can afford "affordable" care, as long as the congress-critters don't muck it up (if they do, I may think about taking some kind of job so we have a backup for insurance access). I have enough money entirely in my own name to support myself for several months if we were to divorce. I have credit in my own name and a network that would be able to help me get employed and on my feet again. It might not be glamorous or the same lifestyle DH can provide, but I won't starve.

The topic here is women without children that stay home. I respectfully am curious about it.

I completely understand your curiosity. This is what my fairly typical day will look like tomorrow:

8:00ish - Get up, get ready, do cats' morning medicine & food
8:30ish - Make breakfast, eat with DH
9:00ish - Morning chores - unload dishwasher, prep anything needed for lunch, take a look at food/house supplies and note what's running low, scoop litter, quick vacuum, gather trash & recycling, start laundry, tidy up
10:00ish - Financial planning and life admin - every day I balance the checkbook, review our credit card activity, monitor & research investments, etc. After that there's always someone I need to call or something I need to follow up on. Tomorrow I need to call about a doctor bill and start the paperwork to rollover the 401k from DH's old job.
11:00ish - Sprouts run. Our local Sprouts does "Double Ad Wednesday" where they overlap their weekly sales by a day. Their prices on produce, meat, and bulk bin stuff are good, so I try to hit it most weeks. Because I have the time and mental energy to do it, I try to shop as frugally as possible and take advantage of deals.
11:45ish - Put away groceries and begin prepping lunch
12:00ish - Lunch. Relax and chat with DH
12:30ish - Clean up from lunch, prep for dinner, switch laundry, small chores
1:00ish - Downtime. I might read, watch a recorded TV show, work on a hobby or project. Or goof around on the DIS *cough*
2:15ish - Leave for volunteer shift. I volunteer 3 days/week at a free store for teachers in underprivileged schools. It's amazing to see how hard the teachers work for their kids and I have lots of friends there that I enjoy working with.
6:30ish - Home. Normally I would make dinner for us and spend the night relaxing with DH. This Wednesday is special because there's a free DVC event at Animal Kingdom! So, we'll drive up to Orlando and enjoy that instead.
Whenever we get homeish - Evening chores. Clean up from dinner, load dishwasher, cat food/meds/water, then off to Bedfordshire


As you can see, while my day is full, it's not particularly difficult or stressful. And that's just the way we like it!

 

[North of Mouse]

I worked with mostly guys when I worked and we could retire at 50 years old- I can't tell you how many are still working well into their 60's because "my wife will get half my pension if I retire, I am trying to wait her out to see if she dies before me so she doesn't get any" and "no way in #### is my wife getting half my pension, I just won't retire" so if your husband is a stubborn jerk you may never get 50% of his pension when he retires!

Really? So, You're saying you can't even tell how many you worked with that are still working well into their 60's hoping their wives die before them??? That many, huh??? You must work with some real winners then, that so many are of that mind set!! Wow! Amazing, I've never known anyone that felt that way.
The couples we knew that worked with my dh were thankful to be able to set their retirements up this way, in fact, about 3/4 of my dh's retirement would go to me as he had that option - to take slightly less now, to be able to set it up that way.

 

[aprilgail]

Really? So, You're saying you can't even tell how many you worked with that are still working well into their 60's hoping their wives die before them??? That many, huh??? You must work with some real winners then, that so many are of that mind set!! Wow! Amazing, I've never known anyone that felt that way.
The couples we knew that worked with my dh were thankful to be able to set their retirements up this way, in fact, about 3/4 of my dh's retirement would go to me as he had that option - to take slightly less now, to be able to set it up that way.

EX wives- not wives.... I did not put the EX in there.

 

[Allison]

EX wives- not wives.... I did not put the EX in there.

So you meant to put EX in there the 3 times you missed it or am I confused about what you are saying?

 

[Tattylou]

I can understand a stay at home mom. I don't quite get the stay at home housewife with no kids thing. So, that is my honest answer. I wouldn't have considered being a stay at home wife. However, I am not into the whole taking care of the house thing! I'd rather work my job that I enjoy and feel good about than do the household stuff. That's just my preference though.

 

[brockash]

Really? So, You're saying you can't even tell how many you worked with that are still working well into their 60's hoping their wives die before them??? That many, huh??? You must work with some real winners then, that so many are of that mind set!! Wow! Amazing, I've never known anyone that felt that way.
The couples we knew that worked with my dh were thankful to be able to set their retirements up this way, in fact, about 3/4 of my dh's retirement would go to me as he had that option - to take slightly less now, to be able to set it up that way.

I'm not sure why you're coming off so angry and I'm not the one who posted this, but yes that kind of crap happens A LOT. It's a valid thought. Hopefully that would never happen to OP, but most ppl. don't go into marriages thinking the other person or even themselves could be so petty, but it happens every day.