# Transgender child



## Grmnshplvr

I hope I don't regret putting this out there but am desperate for some advice, thoughts, anything. I figured this would be a good place to start.

Last night my 11 year old daughter told me she's been feeling very confused about her gender.  She said things like she might want to change her name and didn't want to be referred to as she or her anymore.  I asked her when this all came about, she said she's felt this way since she was about 9.

She said when she gets her period she feels like its wrong and that she shouldn't be wearing bras.  A few weeks ago she asked if she could cut her hair into like a pixie cut, which I was totally fine with.  The next day at school someone asked her if she was trans.  I'm kind of wondering if this is where it all stems from but I honestly dont know.  She did get her period very young, shortly after her 10th birthday and while she knew what to expect and we had always been very open about it I do think getting it that young was a bit traumatizing but I dont know that it has anything to do with this.

I asked her if maybe she just felt confused about her sexuality? and if so that was okay too.  She said she didn't know but she can't picture her future as a man or a woman, or if she will be married to a man or a woman.

When I say this all came out of no where it truly did. aside from the request for short hair, this girl has been extremely feminine since she was old enough to fall into any kind of gender role. I never doubted or questioned it, or pushed it either way...she's just always gravitated towards typical female toys, clothes, music, hobbies etc.

I really didn't know what to say.  I didn't want to invalidate her feelings at all but I did tell her 11 is a very confusing time for everyone and that she certainly doesn't need to label herself at this point.  She asked if she could talk to someone and I did reach out to the executive at our local LGBT organization today.  I just dont know where to go with this.  I dont want to do more harm than good. and I do want her to talk to someone but who???

My 14 year old, who has a degree from google apparently also talked to her about this and was saying things like transgender and panosexual.  I dont even know what that is. I told her I was glad she is supportive of her sister but she needs to be very careful with labeling her or trying to "diagnose" her.

I reassured her that no matter what we love her, and support her in everything she does and will do our best to understand.  She is so nuturing, so compassionate, the best friend someone could ask for.  She is all around an awesome kid, and it broke my heart to see her crying yesterday absolutely confused about all this.  She kept getting choked up and burying her face. I asked what was wrong? she said she just didn't want people at school to know, or her grandparents.  they are extremely conservative and we both know how that will go over I'm not even allowing my mind to go there right now.  But she said she told two of her friends that she would prefer them to not call her a she or her. I explained that would be very difficult for people to just stop doing, and I asked her to hold off on talking to her friends for now until we get in to see someone. Was that the right thing to do? I dont want her to feel ashamed but at the same time I dont want her to put this out there and then next week change her mind and then still have to deal with any backlash or judgement she might get from kids at school.

I'm so confused. I dont want to make this about me, I just want to know how to help her.  Things were so much easier when a hug and ice cream fixed their problems. I probably said all the wrong things yesterday but was completely caught off guard and am now afraid maybe I made her feel worse.


I did tell her I was very proud that she came to me and felt comfortable enough to talk to me about this, I was a little bit relieved to know she does feel like she can come to me. We've always been very open in our house about how we supported equal rights for members of our military and of course same sex marriage, so I dont think she has or had any fear about coming to us about this as she has always known and was raised understanding how we felt about it.


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## OKW Lover

Grmnshplvr said:


> She asked if she could talk to someone and I did reach out to the executive at our local LGBT organization today. I just dont know where to go with this. I dont want to do more harm than good. and I do want her to talk to someone but who???


This is probably the best thing you can do for her *and* for you.  They can put you in touch with experts so you don't have to rely on google.  



> I did tell her I was very proud that she came to me and felt comfortable enough to talk to me about this, I was a little bit relieved to know she does feel like she can come to me.


Another really smart move on your part.  Please reinforce this (but don't badger) regularly.  It will help her deal with it if she understands you are on her side.  

Also, I've used "her" and "she" here only as a convenience.  It may well be that other pronouns should replace them at some point in the child's future.  Remember, its only a name.


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## PolynesianPixie

Let me start out by saying, "You're doing a great job, mama!" The fact that your child came to you, is asking questions, and you are handling it all from a place of love is a perfect start. Reaching out to all the resources offered at your local LGBT office is wonderful! There may be support groups for trans and gender non-conforming kids AND their families. This kind of support is invaluable! I know, because about two years ago my 14 year old daughter told me she was gender fluid. A couple months trying that out, we realized that we actually had a son. Like you, our child didn't really show signs of being a boy. We played with dolls and transformers, dressed up like princesses and knights, loved Doctor Who, Star Wars and My Little Pony. Still, not much has changed. The transition has had it's ups and downs, but we have been through it together. My first piece of advice is to find a counselor who can help your child sort through this without bias. You don't want someone who automatically accepts that your child is trans and that's that. On the other hand, you don't want someone who tries to "cure" your kiddo either. A person who can help you both truly understand what's happening and who knows that whichever way this turns out - it's okay. 

Your child has one benefit so many do not have: a supportive mother. 

Feel free to private message me. I'm happy to share our trans adventure- the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful!


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## Libby

Looks like you are handling this brilliantly. My 16 yr old has decided they are agender (don't feel like either a girl or a boy and likes they/them/their pronouns. Some days they dress feminine, some days masculine. It such a difficult thing for them to go through and your child seems to be younger than most - or maybe they are just more in-tune with how they are feeling. A local support group would be the way to go. My child has made friends with some like minded people through ours, who are actually setting up a parent group that we'll be attending.


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## mellers

I'm not sure where you live, but if it is in or near a big city, you might want to see if your local area has an LGBTQ youth club.  Our nearest city (Seattle) has one, and it will take kids as young as 11 with parental permission.  You are absolutely doing all the right things--looking for professionals to help, and being supportive.  You may also need to "shop around" for a pediatrician who is used to working with LGBTQ youth, and the issues that may entail. 

Hugs to you, and hugs to your daughter.  Being 11 is tough, no matter what.  So is being the mom of an 11-year-old.


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## cijay

You're doing just fine, and so is she. Most important is that she (which is also important...which pronouns?)knows that there are people at home who are  100% in her corner no matter what.


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## Epcot82Guy

I second everything said.   You are doing exactly the right thing.   Having someone to talk to openly is the key here.  And, the ability to safely explore a bit, too.  That's what so many of us who grow up LGBT lack, which is where the "damage" (so to speak) comes from.   The fact she has you and knows that is a huge first step.

With that, two things I might suggest...    1.   The degree from Google can actually be pretty handy here.   One of the most challenging things is often finding someone with a similar story.   You feel isolated, alone and different at a time when all you want to feel is normal and accepted.   So, finding stories - even just written down - is a great way to start the gears turning.   2.  Having said that, stories are just that - stories.   So, help her find a bit of fun and positivity in all this.   It's confusing because she has (rightfully so) preconceived notions of what she should do.   Helping her abandon the fear in all this - and know she has the full right and encouragement to try things - is huge.  Obviously, you want to work together to do that in a comfortable way.   But, if she can start exploring things at home, with you - it will be a huge help.   And, she can mix and match all of it together however she wants.   If she thinks it's wrong to have female lower parts, but correct to have the upper ones - and hates bras - but loves frilly dresses - and likes boys and girls (or neither) - it's all ok.   And, she can change her mind if the feelings change.   The thing to know is this is an extremely confusing time - and the mind tries to avoid things it perceives as "harmful" or "excluding".   That's not meant to invalidate her gender feelings!   If she raised them, they are real enough!   But, there are many, many paths that can lead down.  Knowing she has to let the path unfold vs. picking one and forcing herself down it is the key.   If she can get a little more comfortable with that exploration, I think she'll be just fine.   And, the bond you will have will be something you will both treasure as a result.

Again - job well done!   Wishing you both the absolute best!


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## Grmnshplvr

I didn't think I would get responses so I stopped checking,  Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement.  She took a big step the past weekend and got rid of the barbies, dolls etc.  Part of it is probably just her growing up but she does seem to be happier rejecting the typical feminine things she once loved.  I did a lot of reading about gender fluid, and while I am not an expert or professional I certainly think she could or most likely fall into this category.  She purchased a floral dress for her talent show last week with no input from me whatsoever.  I asked if she wanted to go look in the boys department and she picked out the dress instead.  I didn't say anything but kept thinking (you couldn't pay my nephew to wear a dress on stage) so at this point I think we're both confused.

It hasn't helped that the local resources here are almost non existent. We are close to Buffalo. I expected more resources but there just aren't any.  The executive at LGBT did call me and we had a very long conversation about all this. It was very reassuring.  She sent us a book which my daughter is reading now. She sent me the names of some professionals. Unfortunately none of them are in our health insurance network and that is narrowing our options even more.  There are several child psychologists in the area but none that specifically specialize in gender identity, and the ones that do aren't listed for our insurance.  They did say there is a youth group, but 11 is a bit younger than they usually take.  She said its not that they wouldn't take her but that I should keep that in mind if I decide to sign her up. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

I'm not sure why but the support she was receiving from our older daughter has changed. over the last week my older daughter has made comments like "you're doing this for attention"  "no one changes their gender in a week" etc.  I understand she is probably confused as we are, I'm really trying to get her to be more supportive.

Last week we got rid of the Frozen comforter and purchased a nice grey and teal bedroom set, more preteen friendly and gender neutral.  She really enjoyed that.

One step at a time.


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## Grmnshplvr

Epcot82Guy said:


> I second everything said.   You are doing exactly the right thing.   Having someone to talk to openly is the key here.  And, the ability to safely explore a bit, too.  That's what so many of us who grow up LGBT lack, which is where the "damage" (so to speak) comes from.   The fact she has you and knows that is a huge first step.
> 
> With that, two things I might suggest...    1.   The degree from Google can actually be pretty handy here.   One of the most challenging things is often finding someone with a similar story.   You feel isolated, alone and different at a time when all you want to feel is normal and accepted.   So, finding stories - even just written down - is a great way to start the gears turning.   2.  Having said that, stories are just that - stories.   So, help her find a bit of fun and positivity in all this.   It's confusing because she has (rightfully so) preconceived notions of what she should do.   Helping her abandon the fear in all this - and know she has the full right and encouragement to try things - is huge.  Obviously, you want to work together to do that in a comfortable way.   But, if she can start exploring things at home, with you - it will be a huge help.   And, she can mix and match all of it together however she wants.   If she thinks it's wrong to have female lower parts, but correct to have the upper ones - and hates bras - but loves frilly dresses - and likes boys and girls (or neither) - it's all ok.   And, she can change her mind if the feelings change.   The thing to know is this is an extremely confusing time - and the mind tries to avoid things it perceives as "harmful" or "excluding".   That's not meant to invalidate her gender feelings!   If she raised them, they are real enough!   But, there are many, many paths that can lead down.  Knowing she has to let the path unfold vs. picking one and forcing herself down it is the key.   If she can get a little more comfortable with that exploration, I think she'll be just fine.   And, the bond you will have will be something you will both treasure as a result.
> 
> Again - job well done!   Wishing you both the absolute best!




Yes! While she expressed to me that wearing bras and having her period were making her uncomfortable she just purchased a floral dress last week for her talent show.  On the other hand she got rid of the barbies and frozen blankets and opted for a gender neutral color to redecorate her room.  I know part of all this is just her growing up and leaving childhood behind (excuse me while I choke back the tears as she is my last baby) but I think part of it is her exploring this idea that maybe having a more masculine side is kind of fun.


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## mellers

Grmnshplvr said:


> I didn't think I would get responses so I stopped checking,  Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement.  She took a big step the past weekend and got rid of the barbies, dolls etc.  Part of it is probably just her growing up but she does seem to be happier rejecting the typical feminine things she once loved.  I did a lot of reading about gender fluid, and while I am not an expert or professional I certainly think she could or most likely fall into this category.  She purchased a floral dress for her talent show last week with no input from me whatsoever.  I asked if she wanted to go look in the boys department and she picked out the dress instead.  I didn't say anything but kept thinking (you couldn't pay my nephew to wear a dress on stage) so at this point I think we're both confused.
> 
> It hasn't helped that the local resources here are almost non existent. We are close to Buffalo. I expected more resources but there just aren't any.  The executive at LGBT did call me and we had a very long conversation about all this. It was very reassuring.  She sent us a book which my daughter is reading now. She sent me the names of some professionals. Unfortunately none of them are in our health insurance network and that is narrowing our options even more.  There are several child psychologists in the area but none that specifically specialize in gender identity, and the ones that do aren't listed for our insurance.  They did say there is a youth group, but 11 is a bit younger than they usually take.  She said its not that they wouldn't take her but that I should keep that in mind if I decide to sign her up. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.
> 
> I'm not sure why but the support she was receiving from our older daughter has changed. over the last week my older daughter has made comments like "you're doing this for attention"  "no one changes their gender in a week" etc.  I understand she is probably confused as we are, I'm really trying to get her to be more supportive.
> 
> Last week we got rid of the Frozen comforter and purchased a nice grey and teal bedroom set, more preteen friendly and gender neutral.  She really enjoyed that.
> 
> One step at a time.



I live on the West Coast, not the East Coast, so I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the Buffalo area; however, if you are having a lot of difficulty finding providers, you might want to see if Planned Parenthood is in your network (it often is.)  They generally have providers who have a background helping LGBTQI kids.


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## PrincessJo

I sympathize with what you are going through. It's a long, tough road, but it sounds like your daughter is very lucky.  My son is gay and has also had a tough road.  His Dad and I always knew, but were waiting until he was comfortable coming to us to tell us.

When my son was almost 16 he came to me and asked to talk to someone.  He was feeling depressed and wanted to die.  He was accepting who he is and just wasn't all to happy about it at the time.  Why would he be?  Most of the world thinks he's evil and sick and aren't afraid to say it.  The next day I scrambled to find someone he could go see.  I found a lovely woman who truly was a blessing for my son.  He adored her and while he'd complain while we were dragging him to his appointements every week (sometimes more), he was thankful we did.  After a couple of months she recommended we take him to a psychiatrist to discuss medications.  The new doctor put my son on an antidepressant and between the two of them, two years later he was on a totally different road.  He is completely off the medication and no longer sees his therapist or psychiatrist.

He's 19 now and in his second semester in college to be a child therapist.  He has bright pink hair and painted nails, but eh, his friends adore him (so do his Dad and I) and you know... he's a great young man with a good heart.  He has a friend whose house burned down shortly after Christmas and we donated a bunch of stuff and he's been there every weekend helping them clean up.  That's what's important  

As long as you are there to support your child and you have a network of people to help you, she'll turn out just fine and will become who she is meant to become.

Good luck


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## Grmnshplvr

Just wanted to send a quick update, our LGBT youth organization has a group meeting the first thursday of every month and we will be attending Aprils. I still have not found a mental health professional that I think can help us but am still looking.  Thank you for the recommendation to check with planned parenthood, I wouldn't have thought of that.

In the past month she (I still use she because she hasn't asked me not to and hasn't really made a "decision" yet) we went shopping for new bathing suits and she picked boys swim trunks and a tshirt, If I'm being honest my heart sank a bit but I smiled and said of course whatever you're comfortable in and bought them.  We went to the local Y and she went swimming with my nephew, the lifeguard told "the boys" to stop jumping in the pool.  Later I asked her if that bothered her and she said not at all.

I think she is having a harder in school than she is letting on.  She did tell me some boys in homeroom were asking her if she was boy or a girl, (knowing she is a girl) and asking if she is a lesbian.  She pretended like it was no big deal but the counselor called me today and said someone over heard her saying she wants to hurt herself..she talked to my daughter about it and her response was that "it was a joke".  I'm absolutely terrified.


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## OKW Lover

First, let me say that I appreciate you posting to give us feedback on how things are going.  


Grmnshplvr said:


> I think she is having a harder in school than she is letting on. She did tell me some boys in homeroom were asking her if she was boy or a girl, (knowing she is a girl) and asking if she is a lesbian. She pretended like it was no big deal but the counselor called me today and said someone over heard her saying she wants to hurt herself..she talked to my daughter about it and her response was that "it was a joke". I'm absolutely terrified.



I hope you've related the first part of this to her counselor.  The school should have policies against classmates talking like that, its a form of bullying.  This is a serious matter and it may be behind the comment made in the last part of this.  Be sure the school is standing behind her.


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## cruisehopeful

Grmnshplvr said:


> Just wanted to send a quick update, our LGBT youth organization has a group meeting the first thursday of every month and we will be attending Aprils. I still have not found a mental health professional that I think can help us but am still looking.  Thank you for the recommendation to check with planned parenthood, I wouldn't have thought of that.


You may need to go out of your medical plan and pay cash for some services, even to just get started. Just google transgender therapist and your area. You can also schedule an endocrinology appointment with a doctor within your plan as well as your normal family doctor. The more resources, the better. Sometimes, even having very supportive parents doesn't outweigh the stigma from society.


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## Grmnshplvr

we have an appointment April 11th with a therapist that works under a doctor that specializes in this. The waiting list for the doctor is over a year wait, but the counselor was able to get us in in April...I did speak to the counselor at school and she said that is pretty typical. Which is pretty sad considering the circumstances.  I think taking her to the wrong counselor may do more harm than good though so  we will have to wait it out.  The counselor does not accept our insurance so we are paying a hefty copay but have no other options at this point.  My daughter did seem pretty happy that there was someone she could talk to about this so she is looking forward to it.


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## OKW Lover

Grmnshplvr said:


> I did speak to the counselor at school and she said that is pretty typical.


I hope that's not all the counselor said/did.  The school should be making their anti-bullying policies clear to all students and should be taking action when the policy is violated.

Glad to hear that you are finding help outside the system.


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## piccolopat

OKW Lover said:


> The school should have policies against classmates talking like that, its a form of bullying.



It's hard to tell if this was bullying or just that her classmates were confused about the sudden changes.


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## laurabelle

I just wanted to tell you what a great job you're doing mom! Google does help educate.   Do you have a PFLAG chapter near you? Some large cities may also have LGBT health care centers where they can see a general practitioner as well as therapists. I hope you find the resources to help your child.


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## berryinDC

Hey there! It sounds like you're doing a great job. I used to run a support group for LGBTQI youth and I agree that it would be great to find an option that takes kids your child's age. It can be difficult for younger children when most of the youth are much older. Have you looked into LGBT youth resources in Rochester and Toronto? There might be a group worth driving to once a month or so. Also, there's a PFLAG chapter in Buffalo that might be a good resource and support for you. I know you're focused on your child, but you need/deserve support as well, whether that's in person, book etc! PFLAG is particularly a good option to talk through any conflicting feeling you might be having. Or feelings of loss. And you might be able to get support on holding the school accountable to create a safe and supportive school environment for all students. 

And last, watching movies might be a good way to to explore topics of gender together. You could include your other child, as well if you think that might help. (although, if she's feeling left out, maybe doing something else together with just the two of you might help). There's a lot of LGBTQ documentaries and scripted films. And Toronto's LGBT film festival is in late May...Rochester's is in the fall. SUNY Buffalo State regularly showcases films too. Two recent short films on trans kids that I particularly love are *Kuma Hina – A Place in the Middle* (http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/films/kumu-hina/) and *Tomgirl (http://www.tomgirlmovie.com/)*


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## Hannahinwonderland

berryinDC said:


> Hey there! It sounds like you're doing a great job. I used to run a support group for LGBTQI youth and I agree that it would be great to find an option that takes kids your child's age. It can be difficult for younger children when most of the youth are much older. Have you looked into LGBT youth resources in Rochester and Toronto? There might be a group worth driving to once a month or so. Also, there's a PFLAG chapter in Buffalo that might be a good resource and support for you. I know you're focused on your child, but you need/deserve support as well, whether that's in person, book etc! PFLAG is particularly a good option to talk through any conflicting feeling you might be having. Or feelings of loss. And you might be able to get support on holding the school accountable to create a safe and supportive school environment for all students.
> 
> And last, watching movies might be a good way to to explore topics of gender together. You could include your other child, as well if you think that might help. (although, if she's feeling left out, maybe doing something else together with just the two of you might help). There's a lot of LGBTQ documentaries and scripted films. And Toronto's LGBT film festival is in late May...Rochester's is in the fall. SUNY Buffalo State regularly showcases films too. Two recent short films on trans kids that I particularly love are *Kuma Hina – A Place in the Middle* (http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/films/kumu-hina/) and *Tomgirl (http://www.tomgirlmovie.com/)*



Rochester has a great LGBT community! And I love those film suggestions.

I have read some really good YA fiction books about transgender youth. One is "Beautiful Music for Ugly Children" (it's about a transgender male  high schooler. It's supposed to be grades 9-12, but a mature middle schooler could handle it). Another great one is "Parrotfish" (again, about a high schooler, so borderline inappropriate for your child). The third one on this same topic is "I am J". I LOVED this book, but it has some really mature themes like cutting, so possibly you would want to hold off.

I haven't read "Gracefully Grayson" yet, but I've heard it recommended. It's actually middle-grade fiction, so perhaps more suitable. But it's about a transgender woman, so possibly less relevant.

There's also a bunch of good nonfiction/memoir books. I've read "Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out", "Rethinking Normal". and "Some Assembly Required". All are a bit mature for your child, and they are fairly explicit with going through parts of gender confirmation/ reassignment surgery, so that might not be what you want to expose your child too.

In general, I  find that books help! Those memoirs are cool because your child might really identify with the author's journey, but they might not. There's SO MANY identities out there.  You might want to read the books yourself; there's also a new wealth of books about raising a transgender child; (Gender Born, Gender Made is one I really liked).

It's so awesome that you are supportive, I wish all parents were like you!


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## kuhltiffany

Waving to you from BC!  I have an 11 year old daughter who is in a similar sort of questioning period.  She's been like this since age 3 though, we've always let her be who she is, but at this age it's become more obvious, though I'm not sure where it's going.  She dresses like a boy (swim trunks, sports bra under a rash guard, so like your child) and people often can't tell if she's male or female.  So far it doesn't bother her, but it does make it difficult in new situations, as kids or adults aren't sure.

I found some good info to discuss with her when I googled "gender fluid" or "gender non-conforming".  So far she's not comfortable labelling who she is, we're leaving options open for now...


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## Grmnshplvr

Hannahinwonderland said:


> Rochester has a great LGBT community! And I love those film suggestions.
> 
> I have read some really good YA fiction books about transgender youth. One is "Beautiful Music for Ugly Children" (it's about a transgender male  high schooler. It's supposed to be grades 9-12, but a mature middle schooler could handle it). Another great one is "Parrotfish" (again, about a high schooler, so borderline inappropriate for your child). The third one on this same topic is "I am J". I LOVED this book, but it has some really mature themes like cutting, so possibly you would want to hold off.
> 
> I haven't read "Gracefully Grayson" yet, but I've heard it recommended. It's actually middle-grade fiction, so perhaps more suitable. But it's about a transgender woman, so possibly less relevant.
> 
> There's also a bunch of good nonfiction/memoir books. I've read "Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out", "Rethinking Normal". and "Some Assembly Required". All are a bit mature for your child, and they are fairly explicit with going through parts of gender confirmation/ reassignment surgery, so that might not be what you want to expose your child too.
> 
> In general, I  find that books help! Those memoirs are cool because your child might really identify with the author's journey, but they might not. There's SO MANY identities out there.  You might want to read the books yourself; there's also a new wealth of books about raising a transgender child; (Gender Born, Gender Made is one I really liked).
> 
> It's so awesome that you are supportive, I wish all parents were like you!



the LGBT executive sent her "Parrotfish" and she loved it.  My mom found the book at her house the other day and yesterday asked me about the changes in my daughter over the past 2 months and "why is she reading transgender books"  I explained to her that she is going through some issues right now and trying to figure out who she is and that we're really not exactly sure what is going on at this point...my moms response was "well she has the right mom for it".  It felt good to hear that especially coming from someone that can be extremely narrow minded when it comes to stuff like this.

Monday we went to the mall, with the intention of buying some boy clothes.  After trying some things on she changed her mind and went with girl jeans, and then some graphic tees from hot topic (gender neutral ones).... she did ask if she could get her ears pierced which I said of course, this will be the fourth time we try (she's asked before and chickened out every time we've gone to do it lol) so we'll see how that goes. 

she also asked if she could shave half her head...my husband said absolutely not but I reminded him when it comes to stuff like this we have to pick our battles. I dont care if she wants to shave her head. 

The counselor at the school called me Friday and said my daughter comes to talk to her almost every study hall.  We did discuss the kids in homeroom and according to my daughter it has stopped but the counselor said she wants to know right away if it begins again so I know she is on our side with that and they dont tolerate bullying at all in this school.... I did not mention the gender issues to the school counselor yet but she does know we're going to see a counselor in a couple weeks and I told her I'd keep her updated.  I just am not really ready to let the school know about any of this because I just really want a professionals opinion and advice before we go there.


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## Anesthesia Fine

Grmnshplvr said:


> Monday we went to the mall, with the intention of buying some boy clothes.  After trying some things on she changed her mind and went with girl jeans, and then some graphic tees from hot topic (gender neutral ones).... she did ask if she could get her ears pierced which I said of course, this will be the fourth time we try (she's asked before and chickened out every time we've gone to do it lol) so we'll see how that goes.
> 
> she also asked if she could shave half her head...my husband said absolutely not but I reminded him when it comes to stuff like this we have to pick our battles. I dont care if she wants to shave her head.



The clothes thing is so weird for me; we're going through that, too. When my daughter (still using daughter/she/her until she decides otherwise) first start doing some questioning, I kept telling her we can shop in the boys' section, I can get rash guards/board shorts instead of girly bathing suits, etc...and she's still more comfortable shopping unisex or in the girls' section. It's a process, I guess!


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## Spacedog1975

So I clicked here randomly because I saw the topic at the bottom of the news page.  Had no guess as to what the topic would be.

I'm gratified that there is an LGBT subforum here, and thrilled that you've been able to receive this kind of support and feedback.
The very best thing you can do for your child is to provide them love and support, and you're doing so quite admirably.  As they navigate their own path, their way will become more familiar and comfortable to them.  Anything is possible from here as they get to know themselves.

Years from now when they have a better understanding, there is one thing certain - they are going to look back absolutely delighted that they had great parents who provided them a loving environment in which to grow.

Thank you for being great.


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## Grmnshplvr

Spacedog1975 said:


> So I clicked here randomly because I saw the topic at the bottom of the news page.  Had no guess as to what the topic would be.
> 
> I'm gratified that there is an LGBT subforum here, and thrilled that you've been able to receive this kind of support and feedback.
> The very best thing you can do for your child is to provide them love and support, and you're doing so quite admirably.  As they navigate their own path, their way will become more familiar and comfortable to them.  Anything is possible from here as they get to know themselves.
> 
> Years from now when they have a better understanding, there is one thing certain - they are going to look back absolutely delighted that they had great parents who provided them a loving environment in which to grow.
> 
> Thank you for being great.




that really means a lot, thank you


----------



## cobright

I guess I'm coming at this late, but ... never stopped me before. I'll give you some advice that a lot of people might shy away from. 

To begin with, I'm a father of a 12 yr old girl. My family is fairly progressive and ardent supporters of LGBT rights. And while I'm straight, I'm not exactly in a traditionally defined marriage either. So please don't jump to assuming that I'm some sort of bigot (not that you would... but some do).

There is a lot of talk lately about gender identity and it gets written easily into a young person's struggle of personal identity that happens at your daughter's age. In your shoes, I would affirm to your daughter that most of us go through a period where we question ourselves and our identities very deeply and just because she doesn't feel 'right' thinking about herself as a woman or girl doesn't mean that any other label is the answer either. It doesn't mean they are not, but that's a realization that will come fully with the calmer days of a few years maturation on her part.

She's twelve. If kids ask if she's a lesbian, she can tell them she's twelve. For now, the accident of her biology is enough basis for gendered pronouns. None of this is to imply that she has a choice in her gender identity, only that she has the choice to decide how and when that identity will have the most impact on her life. Twelve years old is a horrible time to deal with this sort of drama. As you have, let her know that she's not a boy or girl to you but a daughter (or possibly a son) and you'll love either just the same.


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## Grmnshplvr

cobright said:


> I guess I'm coming at this late, but ... never stopped me before. I'll give you some advice that a lot of people might shy away from.
> 
> To begin with, I'm a father of a 12 yr old girl. My family is fairly progressive and ardent supporters of LGBT rights. And while I'm straight, I'm not exactly in a traditionally defined marriage either. So please don't jump to assuming that I'm some sort of bigot (not that you would... but some do).
> 
> There is a lot of talk lately about gender identity and it gets written easily into a young person's struggle of personal identity that happens at your daughter's age. In your shoes, I would affirm to your daughter that most of us go through a period where we question ourselves and our identities very deeply and just because she doesn't feel 'right' thinking about herself as a woman or girl doesn't mean that any other label is the answer either. It doesn't mean they are not, but that's a realization that will come fully with the calmer days of a few years maturation on her part.
> 
> She's twelve. If kids ask if she's a lesbian, she can tell them she's twelve. For now, the accident of her biology is enough basis for gendered pronouns. None of this is to imply that she has a choice in her gender identity, only that she has the choice to decide how and when that identity will have the most impact on her life. Twelve years old is a horrible time to deal with this sort of drama. As you have, let her know that she's not a boy or girl to you but a daughter (or possibly a son) and you'll love either just the same.




My husband strongly feels that her aversion to becoming a woman is what is bringing this all on.  I did tell her we could talk to the pediatrician and see about possibly blocking her period for a bit, until she matures a little bit more and then decide what to do from there. I just feel like at 11 she is going through so many changes its so hard to know what is being driven by a true desire to be another gender, or the crazy hormones of puberty.  I'm hoping we get some answers next week at her doctor appointment.

I did find a journal entry she made probably a couple weeks ago that kind of makes me think maybe this is not a phase, but I'm trying to not read too much into it until we talk to a professional.  More of less she was talking about how she asked us all to use male pronouns and a male name and we refuse to.  It isn't that we can't accept it, I just don't know if using male pronouns and a different name is helpful when you don't know if this is a phase or not.  I'm so confused and there is limited information out there for parents on this topic so its hard to know what the right answer is.  Everything I've read said  take your kids lead, but what if that lead is wrong?? 

I know some may think I was invading her privacy by reading this, in my defense I was looking through her pad of drawings (she likes to draw anime characters) and I came across this "journal/vent" she had written out.  I never in a million years thought I'd be the parent reading her personal things but in the situation that we're in, there was no way I couldn't read it.  Although honestly reading it didn't give me any answers I was looking for but it did give me some insight to how deeply she feels about this.


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## Anesthesia Fine

Grmnshplvr said:


> My husband strongly feels that her aversion to becoming a woman is what is bringing this all on.  I did tell her we could talk to the pediatrician and see about possibly blocking her period for a bit, until she matures a little bit more and then decide what to do from there. I just feel like at 11 she is going through so many changes its so hard to know what is being driven by a true desire to be another gender, or the crazy hormones of puberty.  I'm hoping we get some answers next week at her doctor appointment.
> 
> I did find a journal entry she made probably a couple weeks ago that kind of makes me think maybe this is not a phase, but I'm trying to not read too much into it until we talk to a professional.  More of less she was talking about how she asked us all to use male pronouns and a male name and we refuse to.  It isn't that we can't accept it, I just don't know if using male pronouns and a different name is helpful when you don't know if this is a phase or not.  I'm so confused and there is limited information out there for parents on this topic so its hard to know what the right answer is.  Everything I've read said  take your kids lead, but what if that lead is wrong??



I really don't see the problem in taking your kid's lead. I'm still feeling really blindsided myself by all of this, and expressed concern to my kid's therapist that maybe it's just a stage, maybe it was brought on by the onset of puberty (mine flipped out about menarche, as well), many of the same things you're saying. This is a familiar road! And the therapist said that yes, all of this might be a stage, or maybe it isn't; these years are when kids are just starting to figure themselves out. But what was really important was that we were willing to listen and support them no matter how things turn out, and that we're willing to let them take that time and give them that space to figure out who they are. And good christ, I hope she's right, because it's a tough road no matter how things eventually shake out.



> I know some may think I was invading her privacy by reading this, in my defense I was looking through her pad of drawings (she likes to draw anime characters) and I came across this "journal/vent" she had written out.  I never in a million years thought I'd be the parent reading her personal things but in the situation that we're in, there was no way I couldn't read it.  Although honestly reading it didn't give me any answers I was looking for but it did give me some insight to how deeply she feels about this.



I won't throw stones. I've done the same thing. It was actually kind of helpful, honestly, to know how deeply they felt about this.

It's hard to be the parent in this situation. All of the support groups are geared toward acceptance, and there's not a lot of attention paid to the fact that even the most accepting parents are going to go through a period of mourning for the kid they thought they had. I use the pronouns they request; I use the name they request. Because it's something I can do. And yet I still cry an awful lot. It's been a pretty lonely experience.

ANYWAY. Sorry for being so longwinded. I just mainly wanted you to know: you're not alone. You're doing great letting her take some agency. (No one ever tells a little girl who says that she wants to marry a little boy, or vice versa, that it's too early to decide who she is, you know?) And I think talking to her doc is a great idea. Hang in there!


----------



## Grmnshplvr

Anesthesia Fine said:


> I really don't see the problem in taking your kid's lead. I'm still feeling really blindsided myself by all of this, and expressed concern to my kid's therapist that maybe it's just a stage, maybe it was brought on by the onset of puberty (mine flipped out about menarche, as well), many of the same things you're saying. This is a familiar road! And the therapist said that yes, all of this might be a stage, or maybe it isn't; these years are when kids are just starting to figure themselves out. But what was really important was that we were willing to listen and support them no matter how things turn out, and that we're willing to let them take that time and give them that space to figure out who they are. And good christ, I hope she's right, because it's a tough road no matter how things eventually shake out.
> 
> 
> 
> I won't throw stones. I've done the same thing. It was actually kind of helpful, honestly, to know how deeply they felt about this.
> 
> It's hard to be the parent in this situation. *All of the support groups are geared toward acceptance, and there's not a lot of attention paid to the fact that even the most accepting parents are going to go through a period of mourning for the kid they thought they had.* I use the pronouns they request; I use the name they request. Because it's something I can do. And yet I still cry an awful lot. It's been a pretty lonely experience.
> 
> ANYWAY. Sorry for being so longwinded. I just mainly wanted you to know: you're not alone. You're doing great letting her take some agency. (No one ever tells a little girl who says that she wants to marry a little boy, or vice versa, that it's too early to decide who she is, you know?) And I think talking to her doc is a great idea. Hang in there!




Did you immediately start using the chosen name and pronouns or did that take some time?  As much as I feel like I am a supportive parent I truly do feel like I'm mourning, and definitely in denial, or at the very least reluctant to just accept that this child is transgender without at least talking to some kind of professional about this. I can't imagine any parent in their right mind wouldn't say whoa what the heck is going on here?  Literally over night everything changed.  On one hand I wish I could put the brakes on it, on the other I kind of want her to "decide already" so I know what I'm suppose to do to really help her through this.

I too have realized that the different organizations I've spoken to immediately talk about acceptance and embracing the transition but I'm just not 100% ready for that I guess although I do realize it is not about me.  It's only been a couple of months. I guess it would be easier if I had a kid that was identifying as the opposite gender from birth, maybe easier to accept, or maybe we would have already known...but to wake up one day and your pink glittery little princess is telling you she is a boy, I mean how do you digest that.


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## Anesthesia Fine

Grmnshplvr said:


> Did you immediately start using the chosen name and pronouns or did that take some time?  As much as I feel like I am a supportive parent I truly do feel like I'm mourning, and definitely in denial, or at the very least reluctant to just accept that this child is transgender without at least talking to some kind of professional about this. I can't imagine any parent in their right mind wouldn't say whoa what the heck is going on here?  Literally over night everything changed.  On one hand I wish I could put the brakes on it, on the other I kind of want her to "decide already" so I know what I'm suppose to do to really help her through this.
> 
> I too have realized that the different organizations I've spoken to immediately talk about acceptance and embracing the transition but I'm just not 100% ready for that I guess although I do realize it is not about me.  It's only been a couple of months. I guess it would be easier if I had a kid that was identifying as the opposite gender from birth, maybe easier to accept, or maybe we would have already known...but to wake up one day and your pink glittery little princess is telling you she is a boy, I mean how do you digest that.



YES, EXACTLY. I have a friend who has known from very early on that her child was trans, but to have it hit in adolescence is tough! So many years of princess costumes! Candy pink walls! WHAT?!?!

Right now I use "they" as a compromise, as they're not really "out" to anyone but me and their therapist. I mostly do minor things, like putting their chosen name on their magic band, or writing it on the ziploc bag of treats I chucked into their carry-on. Letting them get a stupid souvenir bracelet with their chosen name. That kind of thing. It is _definitely_ a process, and I suspect at some point I will end up mixing _everyone's _pronouns. But I use she/her and their birth name to everyone else right now, because I've told them (and Doc agrees) that it's not my job to do the heavy lifting for them. And part of that is exactly what you said: "decide already", so we can start dealing with extended family and the like! Which I know isn't fair, and like you said, it's not about us, but at the same time, it's a big change for everybody.


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## Grmnshplvr

Anesthesia Fine said:


> YES, EXACTLY. I have a friend who has known from very early on that her child was trans, but to have it hit in adolescence is tough! So many years of princess costumes! Candy pink walls! WHAT?!?!
> 
> Right now I use "they" as a compromise, as they're not really "out" to anyone but me and their therapist. I mostly do minor things, like putting their chosen name on their magic band, or writing it on the ziploc bag of treats I chucked into their carry-on. Letting them get a stupid souvenir bracelet with their chosen name. That kind of thing. It is _definitely_ a process, and I suspect at some point I will end up mixing _everyone's _pronouns. But I use she/her and their birth name to everyone else right now, because I've told them (and Doc agrees) that it's not my job to do the heavy lifting for them. And part of that is exactly what you said: "decide already", so we can start dealing with extended family and the like! Which I know isn't fair, and like you said, it's not about us, but at the same time, it's a big change for everybody.



She specifically requested that I change her magic band to her chosen name, which I said absolutely because who really cares whats on the magic band anyways but it was important to her so I complied.

I did end up discussing this with the school counselor because her biggest challenge was changing in the girls locker room.  The school has given her permission to change in the nurses office.  She isn't safe in either bathroom really, she has changed her hair and attire so much she does look like a boy now so the girls room isn't really an option any more either and I definitely don't want her in the boys locker room.  So the nurse knows, the gym teacher knows, and the counselor.  My child even asked me if she could come out to her teachers, I said absolutely not.  She is very naive about all of this and doesn't realize that "coming out" comes with some safety risks, ones I'm not willing to take.  Not to mention considering how strongly some people feel about this particular topic, even if she isn't physically threatened I'm not 100% sure some teachers wouldn't take it out on her some way....so I'm just not ok with it. Something I need to discuss with the doctor for sure.  

I will say the counselor has been awesome, she said they'll do whatever they can to make her comfortable and safe, the counselor told me she has not had a transgender student yet (that she knows of) but is going to learn along with us.


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## ravenclawforever

Just wanted to lend my support. My 19 yr old dd identifies as genderfluid panromantic asexual. This generation seems to really like labels. Interestingly she has a boyfriend who also identifies as genderfluid panromantic asexual (biologically a boy). This is a confusing time we live in. I just try to go with the flow. (No pun intended - genderfluid). Have to maintain a sense of humor.


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## Grmnshplvr

We went to our first transyouth group meeting last night. She went with the kids, and I went in with the parents. It was very emotional.  Not in a good way. I feel like I lost a little bit of hope I had that maybe this was a phase after hearing the other stories and how closely I related to them.  It was good to know we're not alone in this but was very hard to start accepting what may very well be our reality.

although I will admit, I really need to cry, I didn't realize how much I was holding in trying to just be this accepting supporting mom I've been ignoring my own feelings about it all and it felt good to let that out a bit.


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## Anesthesia Fine

Cry all you need. You got this, mama.


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## Chuck S

ravenclawforever said:


> Just wanted to lend my support. My 19 yr old dd identifies as genderfluid panromantic asexual. This generation seems to really like labels. Interestingly she has a boyfriend who also identifies as genderfluid panromantic asexual (biologically a boy). This is a confusing time we live in. I just try to go with the flow. (No pun intended - genderfluid). Have to maintain a sense of humor.



I just hope that everyone, of every generation, soon realizes that the only "label" that really matters is "Human."   Followed closely by "Family."


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## Shanti

Grmnshplvr said:


> I hope I don't regret putting this out there but am desperate for some advice, thoughts, anything. I figured this would be a good place to start.
> 
> Last night my 11 year old daughter told me she's been feeling very confused about her gender.  She said things like she might want to change her name and didn't want to be referred to as she or her anymore.  I asked her when this all came about, she said she's felt this way since she was about 9.
> 
> She said when she gets her period she feels like its wrong and that she shouldn't be wearing bras.  A few weeks ago she asked if she could cut her hair into like a pixie cut, which I was totally fine with.  The next day at school someone asked her if she was trans.  I'm kind of wondering if this is where it all stems from but I honestly dont know.  She did get her period very young, shortly after her 10th birthday and while she knew what to expect and we had always been very open about it I do think getting it that young was a bit traumatizing but I dont know that it has anything to do with this.
> 
> I asked her if maybe she just felt confused about her sexuality? and if so that was okay too.  She said she didn't know but she can't picture her future as a man or a woman, or if she will be married to a man or a woman.
> 
> When I say this all came out of no where it truly did. aside from the request for short hair, this girl has been extremely feminine since she was old enough to fall into any kind of gender role. I never doubted or questioned it, or pushed it either way...she's just always gravitated towards typical female toys, clothes, music, hobbies etc.
> 
> I really didn't know what to say.  I didn't want to invalidate her feelings at all but I did tell her 11 is a very confusing time for everyone and that she certainly doesn't need to label herself at this point.  She asked if she could talk to someone and I did reach out to the executive at our local LGBT organization today.  I just dont know where to go with this.  I dont want to do more harm than good. and I do want her to talk to someone but who???
> 
> My 14 year old, who has a degree from google apparently also talked to her about this and was saying things like transgender and panosexual.  I dont even know what that is. I told her I was glad she is supportive of her sister but she needs to be very careful with labeling her or trying to "diagnose" her.
> 
> I reassured her that no matter what we love her, and support her in everything she does and will do our best to understand.  She is so nuturing, so compassionate, the best friend someone could ask for.  She is all around an awesome kid, and it broke my heart to see her crying yesterday absolutely confused about all this.  She kept getting choked up and burying her face. I asked what was wrong? she said she just didn't want people at school to know, or her grandparents.  they are extremely conservative and we both know how that will go over I'm not even allowing my mind to go there right now.  But she said she told two of her friends that she would prefer them to not call her a she or her. I explained that would be very difficult for people to just stop doing, and I asked her to hold off on talking to her friends for now until we get in to see someone. Was that the right thing to do? I dont want her to feel ashamed but at the same time I dont want her to put this out there and then next week change her mind and then still have to deal with any backlash or judgement she might get from kids at school.
> 
> I'm so confused. I dont want to make this about me, I just want to know how to help her.  Things were so much easier when a hug and ice cream fixed their problems. I probably said all the wrong things yesterday but was completely caught off guard and am now afraid maybe I made her feel worse.
> 
> 
> I did tell her I was very proud that she came to me and felt comfortable enough to talk to me about this, I was a little bit relieved to know she does feel like she can come to me. We've always been very open in our house about how we supported equal rights for members of our military and of course same sex marriage, so I dont think she has or had any fear about coming to us about this as she has always known and was raised understanding how we felt about it.



You're doing well with this.  I definitely would keep tabs on the 14 year-old, as the labels she is sharing with her younger sister might be influencing the younger sister's perception of herself as she goes through the bewildering maze of puberty.  The 11 year-old may have just mentioned some odd feelings to her older sister, who then told the younger sister everything she's heard about transgender people, including the labels.  The power of suggestion is strong in kids, so I would be extremely wary of that being an influence, before taking at face value that she is transsexual. Some young people are more comfortable with the concept of being transsexual than of being homosexual or bisexual, so there is that to take into account, too.  She might be feeling a non-heterosexual orientation blooming, and the transgender talk could be a fearful response.

Since she's been emotionally upset about this, I would take her to a therapist to provide a neutral person for her to talk to, and for you to get a neutral perspective on the issue, including letting the therapist know that the older sister did some diagnosing of the younger sister, which might be influencing her.  The therapy might gradually help both of you find out if your younger daughter is just confused by normal changes and unduly influenced by her big sister's words, if she only might be developing a lesbian or bisexual orientation, or if she genuinely seems to be a budding transsexual who might need support on a sex-change journey at some point.

The biggest thing she needs right now, and in the future, no matter what path she takes, is emotional support, which you've been providing.  Keep it up.


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## kuhltiffany

I agree, this isn't easy!  We have a grade 6 "graduation" coming up, I think we've settled on khaki's, a white shirt and tie.  Well, it will be a lot cheaper than a dress, shoes, hair, nails and jewellery 

I'm trying to take it all in, but my situation is a bit different as my child has been approaching this for years.  At this point I'm taking things day by day, we don't know what the "permanent" outcome/label will be and I feel at this age we really don't need to yet...


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## Happyinwonerland

Hugs to you, OP. It's ok to cry and process your own feelings. You can be loving and supportive of your child's coices, but you're also allowed to grieve the daughter you thought you knew, and the hopes and dreams for the future. You can cry for your fear of the unknown, for the unfortunate bigotry you know your child might face, for the challenges that lay ahead. You can cry over your daughter 's pain and confusion, as none of us likes to see our kids hurt. 

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of supporting your child and I know it will make her a stronger,  more confinest person to know she is loved and accepted no matter which gender she identifies with.


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## ravenclawforever

As a parent, I found it comforting to look up celebrities that fall into these categories since I do not know anyone personally (I know plenty of homosexuals but this is so different). It is nice to see successful adults who are living this life successfully even if they had struggles which most did. My husband really got a lot out of watching the reality show "I am Jazz" about a transgender girl just trying to live a normal life. She is such a relatable individual. I am glad that we did not begin this journey until dd was 17. I do not know how I would have dealt with it if she had been 11. Best of luck on your journey, wherever it leads.


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## cruisehopeful

Grmnshplvr said:


> although I will admit, I really need to cry, I didn't realize how much I was holding in trying to just be this accepting supporting mom I've been ignoring my own feelings about it all and it felt good to let that out a bit.


It does feel like a loss and there is some grief that comes with it. For me, it helps to remember that what I want most in the world is a happy, healthy child. In my case, my daughter was already turning 18 and out of high school when she told me. I think our timing was easier because we didn't have to deal with school. While I am 100% at her being my daughter now, I still don't always know how to tell people. I always end up seeing someone I haven't seen in 10 years or so and they always ask what my son is up to these days. Usually, I explain that I don't have a son, but sometimes I just give a blanket answer about what she's doing in life without mentioning that she is no longer my son. 

Soon, my daughter will be getting a birth certificate with her real gender and I can't wait. For me, the transitioning sucks. I can't wait for everything to be completely official. We've been very blessed throughout this whole thing, but it is still hard sometimes.


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## Disney_1derland

Just wanted to lend my support to you. My daughter is 13, has been out since age 11 and enjoys a bit of gender fluidity in fashion but hasn't asked for changes in name/pronouns. In her school, her social group is known as the alternate lifestyle group by everyone from students to admin. There are struggles, there are social issues and there is drama. Pretty typical for a middle school experience. She's pretty upfront with us most of the time about everyone but herself. That we have to dig deeper for. 

There is a grief process for most parents in this. I think we just always knew, it definitely didn't take us by surprise. It's okay to grieve and hash out your feelings. Protect your child, support your child, which by all accounts it sounds like you are definitely doing. But its okay if you need time to process everything too.

First and foremost, raise good humans. The labels don't really matter!

Best wishes for all of you in this journey.


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## Grmnshplvr

Our appointment with the gender identity counselor is today,  my daughter said she is very nervous (personally, I kind of want to puke).  All over facebook today are articles regarding the bathroom situation, the comments have me so choked up. I'm taking a half day from work so I can breathe and prepare myself for this appointment this afternoon.  I feel like I'm fighting the whole world for my child.


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## OKW Lover

Grmnshplvr said:


> I feel like I'm fighting the whole world for my child.


Hang in there.  You've got lots of company fighting the rest of the world to support transgender rights.  

You're on the right path here.  Stick with it.


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## cruisehopeful

Grmnshplvr said:


> Our appointment with the gender identity counselor is today,  my daughter said she is very nervous (personally, I kind of want to puke).  All over facebook today are articles regarding the bathroom situation, the comments have me so choked up. I'm taking a half day from work so I can breathe and prepare myself for this appointment this afternoon.  I feel like I'm fighting the whole world for my child.


Hang in there! It's a very tough situation, but keep the end goal in mind. You are essentially helping your child overcome a horrible birth defect. That's the way I see it. I thank God every day that there are actually treatments to help reverse this. As parents, we never want to see our children suffer. It's probably the worst pain we ever have to endure. The doctors and therapists are there to help you and your child.

If reading media upsets you (it does to me often, too), you may just want to avoid that stuff. Even though I enjoy watching the show, I Am Cait, I can get a lot of unnecessary anxiety about some of the topics they cover. Know the legal rights of your area and insist on following them. Where I live, the law is very clear about gender rights. Some of the public may not like it, but this is the United States and everyone is entitled to equal rights no matter what physical limitations they have.


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## Disney_1derland

Grmnshplvr said:


> Our appointment with the gender identity counselor is today,  my daughter said she is very nervous (personally, I kind of want to puke).  All over facebook today are articles regarding the bathroom situation, the comments have me so choked up. I'm taking a half day from work so I can breathe and prepare myself for this appointment this afternoon.  I feel like I'm fighting the whole world for my child.



I hope it went well. We fight for our kids every day. The older they get, the harder the fights get. Just keep loving your child. That support and love will heal so much of what society puts them through. Hang in there!


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## Grmnshplvr

the appointment was hard, the counselor more or less said that by this age it is pretty concrete and very unlikely that this is just a phase.  That was hard to hear, but necessary.


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## cruisehopeful

Grmnshplvr said:


> the appointment was hard, the counselor more or less said that by this age it is pretty concrete and very unlikely that this is just a phase.  That was hard to hear, but necessary.


Yes, most likely a true gender identity issue. My daughter's endocrinologist told me that he normally doesn't like to treat under age 12 because things can change during puberty, but the kids go through puberty so young now that he feels it is a disservice to wait, and yet, he still waits. It was only about 20% that he said reverted back to their birth gender during puberty.


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## kuhltiffany

Hugs!  I wondered how you were doing!  It's hard to let go of the vision you have with your child and then try to look forward with new eyes.  

I know exactly what you mean though (as you mentioned in a previous post), one of my biggest worries is safety and acceptance.  It's so hard to acknowledge the future treatment and perception the kids will get from others, as parents we want to try and prevent the heartbreak.  But knowing there will be an extra challenge, a complicating factor that makes it even harder for them is somehow more devastating...



Grmnshplvr said:


> the appointment was hard, the counselor more or less said that by this age it is pretty concrete and very unlikely that this is just a phase.  That was hard to hear, but necessary.


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## cobright

We don't do well when confronted by truly new experiences, the enormity of an infinite universe is laid bare to us and our reaction is to make it simple again or mourn for the "loss" of those familiar patterns. Like that guy a while back who skydived from space, you know everything is about to change. You're not falling into the unknown just yet but you know it's coming soon. Have heart though. Once things start moving, you'll be too busy to worry and cry.

It won't always feel normal. We're all human beings; flawed and fallable, just getting from one end of our timeline to the other as best we can. You'll be fine. Support your kiddo and your kiddo will be okay too.

Good luck. Wishing you well.


----------



## Grmnshplvr

Its been a crazy week for us, a couple days after that appointment we received a certified letter from our landlord, giving us 30 days to move.  We've lived here for 15 years.  Apparently he took out a huge equity loan, but didn't put any money back into the house so now his mortgage payment is outrageous and the house isn't worth what he owes. He needs us out quickly so he can do some renovating and try to sell it. I'm so sick about it, trying to find a place that accepts 2 large dogs is nearly impossible and I'm not sure we'll be able to keep the kids in their school district.  They only place they've ever known we have to leave, may have to get rid of their dogs, and possibly switch schools.

It's all too much.

Needless to say the transgender issue has kind of been put on the back burner for a bit, my brain can only handle so much stress.  I haven't slept since we got the notice and have had a migraine for 3 days.

Its funny how life is. Everything was perfect, or near it, we were so content and then in a matter of months everything was flipped upside down for us. =(


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## OKW Lover

Wow - That's a huge thing @Grmnshplvr .  Sending you group hugs.


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## robinb

Oh no!  What terrible news.  I'll also send some {{hugs}} your way.  Can you talk to the landlord and ask for an extension?   30 days does not seem like a lot of time, especially for such a loyal and long term tenant.


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## cruisehopeful

Hoping things turn around for you ASAP. I don't know why things always have to pile on at the same time. It seems so unfair. Make sure you take care of yourself and your own health and do what is best for you.


----------



## Giraffeitis

OKW Lover said:


> I hope you've related the first part of this to her counselor. The school should have policies against classmates talking like that, its a form of bullying. This is a serious matter and it may be behind the comment made in the last part of this. Be sure the school is standing behind her.



I don't know if your daughter (I'm keeping the pronouns as Grmnshplvr is) is still having trouble with bullying at school or anything, but I thought I would let you know my school's policy. If it is a one-time incident, or an innocent question of someone asking her if she is a lesbian, then she can ask them to stop/tell them she is 11, etc. If they continue after that first time of being asked, then it is harassment, and I would think any subsequent 3rd plus remarks would be bullying. So hopefully she isn't being bullied at school and it was a one time thing, but that is something to consider.



Chuck S said:


> I just hope that everyone, of every generation, soon realizes that the only "label" that really matters is "Human."  Followed closely by "Family."





Grmnshplvr said:


> Its been a crazy week for us, a couple days after that appointment we received a certified letter from our landlord, giving us 30 days to move. We've lived here for 15 years. Apparently he took out a huge equity loan, but didn't put any money back into the house so now his mortgage payment is outrageous and the house isn't worth what he owes. He needs us out quickly so he can do some renovating and try to sell it. I'm so sick about it, trying to find a place that accepts 2 large dogs is nearly impossible and I'm not sure we'll be able to keep the kids in their school district. They only place they've ever known we have to leave, may have to get rid of their dogs, and possibly switch schools.
> 
> It's all too much.
> 
> Needless to say the transgender issue has kind of been put on the back burner for a bit, my brain can only handle so much stress. I haven't slept since we got the notice and have had a migraine for 3 days.
> 
> Its funny how life is. Everything was perfect, or near it, we were so content and then in a matter of months everything was flipped upside down for us. =(



I'm really sorry about that happening, and I really hope that you can get some sleep and get over your migraine. I know you don't want to move, but some sites that I really recommend checking out (if you haven't already) are:

Zillow.com (they have a really awesome map feature, so you can search within a certain area [and hopefully you'll be able to stay within your school district])

Trulia.com (Another good one, although I haven't used it as much)

Craigslist.org (I know it might be kind of sketchy at times, but it's worth looking at because you can have an easier time sometimes of finding homes for rent by owner and sometimes they will let you have animals there as well)


----------



## Grmnshplvr

Giraffeitis said:


> I don't know if your daughter (I'm keeping the pronouns as Grmnshplvr is) is still having trouble with bullying at school or anything, but I thought I would let you know my school's policy. If it is a one-time incident, or an innocent question of someone asking her if she is a lesbian, then she can ask them to stop/tell them she is 11, etc. If they continue after that first time of being asked, then it is harassment, and I would think any subsequent 3rd plus remarks would be bullying. So hopefully she isn't being bullied at school and it was a one time thing, but that is something to consider.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm really sorry about that happening, and I really hope that you can get some sleep and get over your migraine. I know you don't want to move, but some sites that I really recommend checking out (if you haven't already) are:
> 
> Zillow.com (they have a really awesome map feature, so you can search within a certain area [and hopefully you'll be able to stay within your school district])
> 
> Trulia.com (Another good one, although I haven't used it as much)
> 
> Craigslist.org (I know it might be kind of sketchy at times, but it's worth looking at because you can have an easier time sometimes of finding homes for rent by owner and sometimes they will let you have animals there as well)




I've been on all 3 sites everyday trying to find anything. We have one possibility we are going to see tomorrow, its actually kind of perfect and exactly what we've been looking for.  And when I called the number out front of the house I realized I actually know the owner! He owned the dance studio my girls danced at for years! So I'm hoping that might help us get in lol  He is looking for someone to be a long term tenant and eventually buy the place (his mom and dads house) He said he just wants a family in there that will love it as much as they did...and he said of course dogs are allowed!  So I'm really really hoping this works out.  The kids wouldn't have to switch schools either!

I do like craigslist but yeah I've already come across a few that asked me to send money to them in Nigeria lol

 I did speak to the counselor and their policy is pretty much if it happens in a pattern or more than once then they really step in and deal with it, so far it hasn't gotten to that point but I do think she is having some issues with some 8th graders and I think she is downplaying it so I keep trying to pull it out of her as much as I can without making her think I don't believe her....She has been really withdrawn this past week, as well as our older daughter.  They know their dad and I are stressed and while I try to stay as positive about the whole thing as I can, they're smart enough to know there is a great possibility we'll have to move out of the area we're in.


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## Grmnshplvr

robinb said:


> Oh no!  What terrible news.  I'll also send some {{hugs}} your way.  Can you talk to the landlord and ask for an extension?   30 days does not seem like a lot of time, especially for such a loyal and long term tenant.




the landlord has not responded to any of our messages or texts! he even sent a contractor to my house and asked me if he could start ripping apart my bathroom while I still live there! I said absolutely not! I'm trying to pack, find a place to live and this guy wants to come in and rip the place up.  These are not repairs, this is remodeling.  I'm not sure if the law is on my side with this or not but he hasn't come back yet so maybe the landlord told him to just wait.

It upsets me that he couldn't just wait until the end of the school year. The kids are done mid June.  Why do this now after 15 years of us paying on time, doing all the repairs and maintenance and upkeep! We've saved him thousands of dollars in labor over the years, always kept up with the painting, we did plumbing, electrical, drywall, even replaced the old floors on our dime!


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## Chuck S

As a landlord myself, perhaps he has a balloon payment coming due and hasn't been able to refinance.  Banks are being very picky right now with investment properties, after Wells Fargo and Chase recently received heavy fines for not properly qualifying people for loans.  After pushing the closing back a month because of trying to get financing on a property I wanted acquire, the bank turned me down, and I have excellent credit...but the income to debt ratio was off by a couple percentage points.  I wound up paying cash for the property.  But unless there was an urgent need, I'm surprised he didn't wait until school was out, considering you were long term tenants.


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## robinb

Grmnshplvr said:


> the landlord has not responded to any of our messages or texts! he even sent a contractor to my house and asked me if he could start ripping apart my bathroom while I still live there! I said absolutely not! I'm trying to pack, find a place to live and this guy wants to come in and rip the place up.  These are not repairs, this is remodeling.  I'm not sure if the law is on my side with this or not but he hasn't come back yet so maybe the landlord told him to just wait.
> 
> It upsets me that he couldn't just wait until the end of the school year. The kids are done mid June.  Why do this now after 15 years of us paying on time, doing all the repairs and maintenance and upkeep! We've saved him thousands of dollars in labor over the years, always kept up with the painting, we did plumbing, electrical, drywall, even replaced the old floors on our dime!


Wow.  That just makes me mad for you!  

Were you actually evicted or did he just terminate the lease?


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## Grmnshplvr

we had a month to month lease with the place we're at now.  So legally all he had to do was send the 30 day notice, I mean technically if I dont leave in the 30 days he would have to go through the eviction process which would buy us more time but I dont want to go through that and even after what he did I dont want him to go through it either.  

The "perfect" house guy called me back last night to make sure I was coming today but then informed me someone else offered him more $$ for the rent....and that if I can't meet it to not waste his time =(  so the search continues.


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## Giraffeitis

Grmnshplvr said:


> The "perfect" house guy called me back last night to make sure I was coming today but then informed me someone else offered him more $$ for the rent....and that if I can't meet it to not waste his time =( so the search continues.



Aw, I'm sorry about that, I hope you find a good place soon!


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## cruisehopeful

Grmnshplvr said:


> The "perfect" house guy called me back last night to make sure I was coming today but then informed me someone else offered him more $$ for the rent....and that if I can't meet it to not waste his time =(  so the search continues.


That's really weird. I don't know of any place in my area that takes offers for rent. People post what the rent is and that is what it is. 
I guess there's something better out there waiting for you to find it.


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## Chuck S

cruisehopeful said:


> That's really weird. I don't know of any place in my area that takes offers for rent. People post what the rent is and that is what it is.
> I guess there's something better out there waiting for you to find it.



It is rare, but happens here occasionally.  If more than one person is interested, one may offer more rent. 

I wonder if grmnshplvr has tried a real estate agent?  Century 21 manages the rental on 3 of my properties, the other (in a different town) I self manage.


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## Grmnshplvr

cruisehopeful said:


> That's really weird. I don't know of any place in my area that takes offers for rent. People post what the rent is and that is what it is.
> I guess there's something better out there waiting for you to find it.




Granted it has been 15 years since we actually looked for a rental, but as far as I understood it, what ever the listing shows is what the rent is.  Apparently not.  

We did find a place this past weekend, it allows us to keep the dogs and the kids will be in the same school district which is HUGE because this school is being so accommodating for my daughter right now, allowing her to change in the nurses office, using her bathroom, and she has really opened up to the counselor there.  
Plus she does have a few friends that accept her for who she is and we're not guaranteed that any where else.  I dont love the apartment and its hard to get excited about moving at all but it does fit our needs for now. Going to be a crazy couple of weeks.


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## Grmnshplvr

Chuck S said:


> It is rare, but happens here occasionally.  If more than one person is interested, one may offer more rent.
> 
> I wonder if grmnshplvr has tried a real estate agent?  Century 21 manages the rental on 3 of my properties, the other (in a different town) I self manage.



yes I actually reached out to a couple, all said they'd keep their eyes open but that in this particular neighborhood rentals are hard to come by and get snatched up quickly. Almost none accept animals on top of that, like trying to find a needle in a haystack.  But we did find something I'm not crazy about it but if they're willing to accept 2 80 lb dogs I'll take it!  It'll be temporary anyways, I'm not even going to unpack everything.


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## robinb

@Grmnshplvr, I hope that your house search was fruitful and your family is settling into a new place .

I saw this story come up on my FB feed and thought immediately of your family: https://www.ralstonreports.com/blog/child-i-love .  I hope things are going well for you {{hugs}}.


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## Grmnshplvr

well we are settled into our new place.  We were able to find a place in our school district that allowed the dogs. It is bigger and nicer than where we were.  It definitely doesn't feel like home but I'm guessing thats because we lived in our other place for 15 years.  It'll take time but we're making the most of it. 

My daughter has still been going to her counselor and group meetings...she loves both.  Honestly the last month it has been kind of put aside because we were so focused on packing and finding a place.  It's been hectic.  We had to put our 13 year old cat down 3 weeks ago as well.  =( its been a rough month.

Last week my daughter and I went shopping and she wanted all girl shorts, said they were more comfortable.  Then last saturday she was getting ready for us to go walk around niagara falls and she came out with a face full of makeup.  I didn't say anything but did take note.

I'm not sure how I feel about this counselor. I did mention it to her yesterday and she didn't really say anything.  I dont feel like I'm getting any feedback from her.  Maybe she is just trying to get the whole picture before she talks to me, but when I told her about the makeup and girl shorts she said my daughter told her she always feels masculine and never like a girl....so what the heck does that mean then?  Is she not being honest with the counselor? and if she isn't then this counselor can't really figure out what is going on


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## Grmnshplvr

robinb said:


> @Grmnshplvr, I hope that your house search was fruitful and your family is settling into a new place .
> 
> I saw this story come up on my FB feed and thought immediately of your family: https://www.ralstonreports.com/blog/child-i-love .  I hope things are going well for you {{hugs}}.




thank you so much for this!!! I can so relate to the fears thsi father has.  Honestly, when my daughter shows signs of still "being a girl" I get so hopeful...because I dont want the alternative for her.  Other than the shorts and makeup she still has been fairly consistent with stating she is a boy and always has been.  I still can't get use to calling her him. =(


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## jenniy122

Grmnshplvr said:


> I dont feel like I'm getting any feedback from her. Maybe she is just trying to get the whole picture before she talks to me, but when I told her about the makeup and girl shorts she said my daughter told her she always feels masculine and never like a girl....so what the heck does that mean then? Is she not being honest with the counselor? and if she isn't then this counselor can't really figure out what is going on



As someone who's been following your journey, a member of the LGBTQ community, and having been in therapy since I was 10 (18 years!): I didn't start telling my therapists ANYTHING relevant to my real issues until I was 22, 400+ miles from home, and where there was no possible way they could tell my parents what I was saying. I knew my therapist was giving my parents reports every month and telling them what I was telling her cause they'd go in for a private meeting right after my session was done. For years the only picture my parents got was "Jen seems to be holding something back, and I can't get it out of her."/"She won't answer any of my questions." (depending on how much the individual annoyed me at the time).

I will say my family situation seems far far different from yours, but if she doesn't feel comfortable with this therapist/with therapy for whatever reason, then it's probable that she's BS-ing the therapist. It's also completely possible that the two of them have a "don't tell Mom this" agreement, and as long as it's not about violence towards herself or others (whether knowledge or intent) then the therapist isn't required to talk about it. I just never had that luxury.


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## mamabunny

Grmnshplvr said:


> thank you so much for this!!! I can so relate to the fears thsi father has.  Honestly, when my daughter shows signs of still "being a girl" I get so hopeful...because I dont want the alternative for her.  Other than the shorts and makeup she still has been fairly consistent with stating she is a boy and always has been.  I still can't get use to calling her him. =(



For the most part, I don't post a lot in these parts.  I pop in every now and again to see what's going on.

I've been following along, like @jenniy122.  We have one biological child; a daughter who is now 22 years old.  When she was in middle school - only 12 years old -  there was (what seemed like) an explosion of kids in her school coming out as LGBTQ+.  It seemed like it was non-stop, and weekly, I would hear that another one of our daughter's friends had come out.  Well before the end of the school year, pretty much every kid in that school questioned their sexuality and orientation.  It was striking because up until that point, our community has typically been accepting of alternate lifestyles... as long as they weren't *here*, if you know what I mean.

This was 10 years ago, when there were fewer resources, fewer counselors, and much of what was available on the Internet had to be taken with a HUGE grain of salt.  We had to work our way through the situation with the only tool we had readily available to us: an unending supply of love.

Some of parents nearly lost their minds.  More than one family fell apart, more than one child was kicked to the curb and told not to come home until they could accept their biological body.  Our daughter started bringing home kids with no place to go; there were many, many nights when our living room was basically a giant sleepover, and there were many, many of those nights when I would hold another mother's child who was sobbing from homesickness and fear.  We opened our home and our hearts, because we couldn't bear not to, and it became a safe haven for those kids; they knew that we loved and accepted them regardless of who they were. The only thing we didn't tolerate was discrimination and disrespectful behavior (defined as "being a turd in a punchbowl" by one of the kids LOL), and everyone had to get up in the morning and go to school. 

Those kids lived with us, some for a short time, and others to this day still call our house "home", still call my husband and I "Mom and Dad".  We are blessed with five wonderful children now!  They drop in all the time, and bring their new boyfriend or girlfriend to meet us, join us at the holidays, and most recently one of the boys had to bring his new pickup truck right over to show Dad, and get his seal of approval! 

During that time, I talked to many of the parents.  A few of them would come over to the house, but by and large, the conversations were via phone or text, and all were the same.  All of those parents said the same thing to me, over and over:  "I just want my kid back, the way s/he was before all this happened".

And time, and time again, I told them that it was OK to grieve the loss of who you thought they were going to be - but that didn't have to prevent them from loving their child.  That you haven't lost your child - you have only lost what you thought and hoped his/her future would be.

One horrible night, at the height of the situation, when we had more than 20 kids every night, one of the boys was killed in a stupid, tragic, traffic accident.  He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and everything just... stopped.  A couple of the other kids were witnesses to his death, and they shut down emotionally and mentally. I still feel physically ill when I think about that night.  In that moment, most of the parents realized that they no longer cared about their childs orientation, all they cared about was that their child was safe and alive.  By the day after his funeral, most of the kids were home again with their families.  

As time passed, some families developed an uneasy truce with the truth; others still refuse to acknowledge the child's identity.  A few (four, to be exact) did not, and those are my children, for the last 10 years, and for forever they have a place in my heart and my home - and I make sure they know it.  

Today, there are four 22 year old adults who have non-bio parents, because their own family can't "handle" their reality.  One is trans, one is bi, and two are gay.  (For those of you playing along at home, our biological daughter is straight; that makes her the "weird" one of the group!)  

I'll see you at PRIDE in Austin.  I'll be the proud Mommy with 5 adult kids in the parade.

PS: I didn't write this because I want a pat on the back.  I want you know - more than anything, that it's OK to be sad about the changes in your child's world.  Just please never stop loving her, and never make your support conditional.  Her world is scary and confusing enough right now without worrying about if Mom and Dad love her.  Regardless of who she turns out to be, it doesn't change the loving heart inside of her.  I promise.


----------



## Duckiedee

Good job mama!  I just wanted to say, my hubby and I see a therapist.  And recently we were talking about parenting our almost 11-year-old.  11 is HARD.

One thing he did to reassure us was that if we are asking for help and caring enough to try to do right by our kids, to support who they are, and see their good, the stuff we screw up will be inconsequential in the end.

Do your best is my message.  But try not to worry too much if you don't get it all right the first time.    She'll be fine.  

Thank you for being the mama you are!


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## jenniy122

@mamabunny you've got me crying like a lost child. It's because of the wonderful warm-hearted loving people like yourself that "kids" (I'm still in denial about adulthood) like myself and yours have made it so far.


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## mamabunny

jenniy122 said:


> @mamabunny you've got me crying like a lost child. It's because of the wonderful warm-hearted loving people like yourself that "kids" (I'm still in denial about adulthood) like myself and yours have made it so far.



LOL *I* am still in denial about adulthood, and my big 'ol #56 is coming up in about 3 weeks or so!    Between you and me, I'm telling everyone that I'm just celebrating the 40th anniversary of my 16th birthday!  

(((hugs))) You want to be a part of the Bunny family?  Come on over - everyone is welcome, and I will always be glad to add another 'lil rabbit  to my family!


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## Terri_Berri

Grmnshplvr said:


> thank you so much for this!!! I can so relate to the fears thsi father has.  Honestly, when my daughter shows signs of still "being a girl" I get so hopeful...because I dont want the alternative for her.  Other than the shorts and makeup she still has been fairly consistent with stating she is a boy and always has been.  I still can't get use to calling her him. =(



Hi. I’m happy you found a new place to live. Sorry I lurked on your thread for a little while. But I wanted to share a couple thoughts.

Trans people exhibit a lot of peculiar behaviors. Sometimes they join the military or do really tough stuff to validate their masculinity or sometimes they have several children and raise a family or sometimes they put their lives on hold for fear of telling a parent or coming out in general. And kids are also still finding themselves and all of that stuff. If/when your child wishes to transition, it will be on their own timeline. Don’t let any therapist or outside pressures influence any decisions to rush something or push you or your child into one direction or another.I didn’t really think about any sort of trans issues until I hit puberty and then I started to realize how different I felt. If your child does something really girly, it could be that they just don’t feel like being starred at or explaining themselves for a while. I would do things like that, just wear whatever I was supposed to or act however I was expected, so that it just wouldn’t be an issue. Usually these are denial behaviors. However somebody manages them and under whatever circumstances are really just up to the individual. I’m not a therapist so I don’t really know, but I’ve known hundreds of trans people and none of them followed the same path. Sometimes trans people even de-transition for lots of other reasons.

I just want to say, that no matter what I did, my parents were always my biggest supporters and advocates. They told me they would love me regardless of how I looked or how I acted or what anyone else thought of me and that I would never need to be afraid to be myself. That was powerfully reassuring. Good luck with everything and don’t worry so much about the “alternative” because it’s really not that bad


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## happypaws

Hi there!  I know your thread was started awhile ago, but I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the relationship you have with your child! Your willingness to listen and nurture their exploration of identity means so much during this age where there is a lot of change.  Know that is ok for you to feel the struggle with changes that deviate from what is traditionally considered "normal". 
All of our stories are different in the LGBTQ community, but we all have felt like the outsider at one point or another.   My mom struggled for a very long time with my sexual orientation (thought I'm pretty gender normative).  My mom is a person very focused on appearances and how those are interpreted by others, ie her translation is fear for my safety for being "different," etc.   However we have grown to have a better relationship now than we ever had before my coming out.   
I feel your struggle with resources in Western NY.  I too live in Buffalo now.   Like others have mentioned, Rochester (where I grew up) does have a pretty strong community, though by reading some of your later posts, sounds like you linked in to some Buffalo resources too.  
I know many schools have lgbt interest groups/clubs (my high school back in rochester did, which provided a good peer community), maybe something available at your child's new school?
Thank you for sharing your family's story.  Sending some buffalove your way and hope things are going well after the move.


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## Grmnshplvr

Its been a while since I posted and alot has happened since my last update.  In August we had the last of the assessments and were given a diagnoses of gender dysphoria  or transgender.  the counselor felt it was best that we help our child transition socially...so now our dear daughter is now dear son.  We have picked a new male name and are exclusively using male pronouns.  We have not made any legal changes but the school has been very accommodating and allowed the name change (except for on the transcripts) all of the teachers know and are using male pronouns and the correct name this year.  We "came out" to close family and friends, and then came out on facebook to the rest of our family/friends.  We've only received positive responses so far, everyone has been great about using the new name and male pronouns (although we all do slip from time to time, he has been very patient with us)  We bought all new boy clothes for the school year too. 

Throughout this transition we've spoken to 3 counselors, our pediatrician, and the school counselors, all agreed this was what was best for him....but seeing how happy he has been the last 2 months was reassurance enough for me that we made the right choice.  He knows we'll always support him and love him.  We will always be his safe place.  In my letter on facebook I made it very clear that if anyone didn't like our decision or couldn't/wouldn't use the male pronouns that its my job as mom to make sure he only feels love and support from people closest to him and that I will cut ties if they refuse to at the very least not make the transition harder.  Everyone responded great though, they're all very proud of him for coming out (he is the second kid at his school to come out).

With the exception of my moms husband, I'm not sure how we're going to tackle this yet. He works out of town and is only home 2 weekends a month...realistically we will not see him except for christmas...but, he said he CAN'T use the name Tyler.  I explained to mom that I will never make her choose but, we wont be coming over for christmas unless he gets on board.  I'm not asking him to walk in the pride parade with us, just use a simple name...and saying he can't really just means he wont...even if it hurts tyler's feelings and that is not.  My mom has been supportive in her own way so I would never cut ties with her but our whole family has accepted her husband being a racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist jerk for 20 years, he can certainly accept this.  My mom doesn't even want to talk about it.  I know he is questioning me as a mother, he believes my liberal views have brainwashed my child into being transgender.  I have posted online a few times about different transgender conferences we've attended, as well as our group meetings and apparently because of that he assumes this has all been a great joy ride for me.  I am not enjoying any of it.  I cry several times a week still because I do feel a great sense of loss right now....its something I'm struggling with but at the same time I KNOW this is what is best for my child.  He is so happy.  Last year he didn't go to 1 party, not 1 sleepover...this year, 4th week of school and he's had 2 parties and 3 sleepovers already!!  HUGE difference in confidence, happiness, he is actually coming out of his room and watching movies with us, and snuggling with me again....something he didn't do at all last year.  After being a good mom for 15 years and making responsible decisions for my kids I'm really annoyed that someone would start questioning me now, especially after I got the expert advice from several doctors on this! This was not something we took lightly at all.

But aside from him, all of our responses have been very supportive, loving and positive.  It was overwhelmingly positive.  None of my fears have been realized, and I know he's only 12 and we have a long way to go we've come a long way in the past year and knowing we have people that have our backs, helps alot.  The school has just been an awesome resource, they've really gone out of their way to make him feel comfortable and to alleviate any fears I've had for his safety.


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## Grmnshplvr

happypaws said:


> Hi there!  I know your thread was started awhile ago, but I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the relationship you have with your child! Your willingness to listen and nurture their exploration of identity means so much during this age where there is a lot of change.  Know that is ok for you to feel the struggle with changes that deviate from what is traditionally considered "normal".
> All of our stories are different in the LGBTQ community, but we all have felt like the outsider at one point or another.   My mom struggled for a very long time with my sexual orientation (thought I'm pretty gender normative).  My mom is a person very focused on appearances and how those are interpreted by others, ie her translation is fear for my safety for being "different," etc.   However we have grown to have a better relationship now than we ever had before my coming out.
> I feel your struggle with resources in Western NY.  I too live in Buffalo now.   Like others have mentioned, Rochester (where I grew up) does have a pretty strong community, though by reading some of your later posts, sounds like you linked in to some Buffalo resources too.
> I know many schools have lgbt interest groups/clubs (my high school back in rochester did, which provided a good peer community), maybe something available at your child's new school?
> Thank you for sharing your family's story.  Sending some buffalove your way and hope things are going well after the move.




the middle school does not have a GSA yet, but Tyler has spoke to his counselor and the counselor at school and they're all working on starting one.  they're going to combine it with the high schools club twice a month.  Aside from that we do have a parent group meeting once a month, and the kids all gather in another room at the same time.  We attended an all day conference last week, we got to meet other families and hear from experts in this area on the topic of transitioning. It was really fun and informative


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## cruisehopeful

It sounds like you've been very busy taking good care of your little boy. I'm glad he is happy and things are going better for both of you. 
There were so many things I knew were possible with my own kids and oddly, one of them being transgender never even crossed my mind. I did think I had a cross dresser, but it never entered my mind that he was really a she. As you know now, while first learning about it can be very shocking as we worry so much about our kids as parents, it doesn't take too long to get used to the true identity of our babies and to realize that it is the exact same person that we've known and loved all along. 

I hear you on your mom's husband. I was astonished to hear from my husband that his twin brother and his wife "don't believe in transgender." I don't understand that. My initial reaction was to tell my husband that I don't believe in heart disease (something his brother has). Apparently, they believe that one can be born gay, but that they cannot be born transgender. I was so irate when I heard that and I was convinced that I wouldn't talk to them ever again. Later, I started to think maybe I should educate them and not think of them as stupid people. I still haven't talked to them, which isn't unusual. I have almost no contact with them anyway. I don't know what I'll do if the subject ever comes up. I'll just have to hope that I don't blow my top and that I can expose them to knowledge that they seem to not have. If they do turn out to be just stupid people, well, I don't want to spend any of my time with people like that. So, no loss for me. I hope this type of thing doesn't interfere with your relationship with your mom, though. It is very disrespectful to call someone by their wrong name deliberately. We all make mistakes now and then with pronouns when that changes, but to do it on purpose is just hateful. 

Thanks for checking in. I've wondered about you and the move and everything. You were dealt with a lot, but it sounds like you are strong enough to handle it. Good job, Mom!


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## Grmnshplvr

cruisehopeful said:


> It sounds like you've been very busy taking good care of your little boy. I'm glad he is happy and things are going better for both of you.
> There were so many things I knew were possible with my own kids and oddly, one of them being transgender never even crossed my mind. I did think I had a cross dresser, but it never entered my mind that he was really a she. As you know now, while first learning about it can be very shocking as we worry so much about our kids as parents, it doesn't take too long to get used to the true identity of our babies and to realize that it is the exact same person that we've known and loved all along.
> 
> I hear you on your mom's husband. I was astonished to hear from my husband that his twin brother and his wife "don't believe in transgender." I don't understand that. My initial reaction was to tell my husband that I don't believe in heart disease (something his brother has). Apparently, they believe that one can be born gay, but that they cannot be born transgender. I was so irate when I heard that and I was convinced that I wouldn't talk to them ever again. Later, I started to think maybe I should educate them and not think of them as stupid people. I still haven't talked to them, which isn't unusual. I have almost no contact with them anyway. I don't know what I'll do if the subject ever comes up. I'll just have to hope that I don't blow my top and that I can expose them to knowledge that they seem to not have. If they do turn out to be just stupid people, well, I don't want to spend any of my time with people like that. So, no loss for me. I hope this type of thing doesn't interfere with your relationship with your mom, though. It is very disrespectful to call someone by their wrong name deliberately. We all make mistakes now and then with pronouns when that changes, but to do it on purpose is just hateful.
> 
> Thanks for checking in. I've wondered about you and the move and everything. You were dealt with a lot, but it sounds like you are strong enough to handle it. Good job, Mom!



Never in all the things I could have imagined for my kids did this even cross my radar.  Never gave it a second thought.  But I also know things could be so much worse. He is healthy, and finally happy.  What more could I ask for?

that is just it, my moms husband does not believe in transgender.  Just doesn't think its possible.  I have posted numerous studies that are showing the theory that this is happening in the womb, but i know his brain isn't capable of grasping such a concept so I stopped trying to educate him.  His mind is too narrow to allow any information in that goes against what he believes, regardless of facts or proof.  

Part of me thinks it wont affect our relationship with my mom because he is really out of town almost all the time for work, but in a way it already has.  I haven't talked to her much lately, I can't listen to her defend him.  All the nasty horrible things he has said about people over the years I've let go, for her sake....I wont do that when it comes to my child, and she knows it.  He was posting transphobic posts on facebook AFTER we came out.  I told my mother you know it makes him look bad because the whole family knows Tyler is transgender and they see your husband posting this crap, and they see you not saying a word about it! 

My husband has had some struggles and it took him a long time to accept it wasn't a phase but he knew he had to fake it till you make it so he wouldn't hurt tyler's feelings.  So even though he felt uncomfortable doing it, he still used the right pronouns and name.


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## mamabunny

@Grmnshplvr While I'm so very happy to see your follow-up, my heart aches that this could come between you and your Mom.  

Please don't let this person define your relationship - or Tyler's relationship - with your Mom.  Normally I would never advocate for this, but if at all possible, you may have to arrange to meet with your Mom when he isn't around.  And see if you can arrange to have a "private" Christmas celebration without him there as well.

Who your Mom is married to is her business; you can't change that.  And you don't want to be the person who "forces" her to leave him... if she is going to do that, she must come to that decision on her own.   

So, cut him out of the picture.  If he asks why he isn't invited or welcome, explain directly and clearly (and in words with very few syllables LOL) why he won't be welcome until he agrees to treat Tyler with respect, which includes using his proper name - Tyler.

And if he doesn't ask, or doesn't seem to care that he isn't part of those gatherings?  Sounds like you maybe dodged a stinker there.

Hang in there.  You are *awesome*, and Tyler is going to be great - I know, because I met his mama on the The Dis!


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## PollyannaMom

Grmnshplvr said:


> I can't listen to her defend him.



And you shouldn't have to!  Have a private talk with your mom and explain that every fiber of your instinct as a mother dictates that your son comes before this man.  Tell her you absolutely want to maintain your relationship with her, but that you don't want to put her in the middle between you and her husband, so you would like to agree to just leave him out of your conversations all together.

(And definitely get him off your Facebook!  I don't have that myself, from from what I've heard, you can "unfriend", block, and all sorts of things.  Don't subject yourself to the stuff he's posting.)

Best of luck to you and to Tyler.  It's great to hear his school is handling things well!  And thanks for coming back to update.


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## robinb

Thanks for the update.  I think it's great that Tyler's school is working with him.  He is a very brave boy to be who he is and you are a wonderful mom to help him on his journey.  I noticed that you changed your signature .

As for your mother's husband, I don't have any advise other than to block him on FB.  All he is doing it making himself look foolish, but you don't need to see his garbage.


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## Grmnshplvr

mamabunny said:


> @Grmnshplvr While I'm so very happy to see your follow-up, my heart aches that this could come between you and your Mom.
> 
> Please don't let this person define your relationship - or Tyler's relationship - with your Mom.  Normally I would never advocate for this, but if at all possible, you may have to arrange to meet with your Mom when he isn't around.  And see if you can arrange to have a "private" Christmas celebration without him there as well.
> 
> Who your Mom is married to is her business; you can't change that.  And you don't want to be the person who "forces" her to leave him... if she is going to do that, she must come to that decision on her own.
> 
> So, cut him out of the picture.  If he asks why he isn't invited or welcome, explain directly and clearly (and in words with very few syllables LOL) why he won't be welcome until he agrees to treat Tyler with respect, which includes using his proper name - Tyler.
> 
> And if he doesn't ask, or doesn't seem to care that he isn't part of those gatherings?  Sounds like you maybe dodged a stinker there.
> 
> Hang in there.  You are *awesome*, and Tyler is going to be great - I know, because I met his mama on the The Dis!




I did talk to my mom quite a bit about this and told her she is always welcome and nothing could ever change the way Tyler or I feel about her. I think she was hoping her husband would get a "pass" when I clearly said I'd cut ties with anyone that refuses to support our decision (or just don't make it worse) but I explained that my kids always come first, the risk of depression and suicide is so high with transgender kids. I know I cannot change the world or control the world but for now, I can control who comes into Tyler's life and my job is to make sure it is only people that are going to be positive, and supportive.  That is something they'll just have to accept or make a decision.


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## Princesca

Grmnshplvr said:


> I did talk to my mom quite a bit about this and told her she is always welcome and nothing could ever change the way Tyler or I feel about her. I think she was hoping her husband would get a "pass" when I clearly said I'd cut ties with anyone that refuses to support our decision (or just don't make it worse) but I explained that my kids always come first, the risk of depression and suicide is so high with transgender kids. I know I cannot change the world or control the world but for now, I can control who comes into Tyler's life and my job is to make sure it is only people that are going to be positive, and supportive.  That is something they'll just have to accept or make a decision.



I agree - your job is to protect your child, first and foremost. Bravo for taking such a principled stand. Tyler is lucky to have you as his advocate!


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## MinnieMouse84

It's so wonderful that you love and accept Tyler as he is. If only all transgender people had such supportive parents.


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## Grmnshplvr

Well i ended up unfriending my moms husband on facebook yesterday, for some reason the audio tape of Trump got him into a frenzie about transgender people using the bathroom and if they want to they better get use to locker room talk. I had had enough and finally deleted him.  My mom hasn't mentioned it, maybe he wont notice.  I feel a whole lot better knowing I'm not torturing myself seeing his crap everyday


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## robinb

I don't think people are notified when they are unfriended.  I'm glad you did.  I still can't believe that someone would be so tone deaf about his own wife's family.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## Grmnshplvr

robinb said:


> I don't think people are notified when they are unfriended.  I'm glad you did.  I still can't believe that someone would be so tone deaf about his own wife's family.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.




I dont think he even noticed honestly.  Once in a while he'll send me a funny video of dogs but other than that we have no relationship.  My mom and I aren't that close and she'll never stick up for me or Tyler so I dont really expect too much honestly. We have some time before the holidays so hopefully something will be resolved before then  I usually have the holidays at my house but I am not offering this year. I figure if my mom has it, then we always have the option to leave if we need to.


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## Hannahinwonderland

So glad to come back and see this update. You are a fantastic parent & Tyler is so lucky to have you. He is going to have a way happier & healthier life because of your support.


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## jenniy122

So glad you gave us an update and that you and your brave brave boy are doing well.


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## Bigwands

My brother came out as trans about 3 or 4 years ago and reading this reminded me of the "learning curve". Initially we were all concerned about future difficulties and how different everything would be but now I can't imagine him as anyone but my amazing baby brother. He's just finished his first semester of college and, to the best of my knowledge, is having a great time. I'm not a mother, but maybe it might be nice to hear from someone on this side of things that as confusing as this time is (everyone has a slightly different idea of what their gender means) it won't always be. I'm so happy for your son that he has a family to support him.


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## DisFanJen

Hi Grmnshplvr!

I just want to say what an amazing parent you are!

What Tyler is going through isn't easy and having a supportive parent just makes things that little bit easier.

Trust me, as a person who hasn't spoken to her father in 16 years I know the heartache of rejection by a parent and the fact that you've said 'I accept you for who you are' is priceless.


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## Grmnshplvr

Just wanted to update Tyler is doing great, his grades went from barely passing last year to 80's and 90's, some high 90s even. The teachers all gave great remarks on his report card too  I am so proud of him!  He does struggle with depression and I think most of that was anxiety of having to see the entire family for the holidays, now that that is over he is feeling a lot better.  He is dealing with some bullying, particularly with 2 boys in his school.  The school is away and monitoring the situation.  Since they've been back from christmas break though he said its been fine.

we did have an incident 2 months ago or so, a student pushed him into the lockers and called him a homophobic slur.  I immediately called the superintendent and principle, and that was dealt with very quickly.  No issues with the student since then.

In other news Tyler and I were asked by his psychologist to speak at a local college that was having a conference for physicians and educators.  They asked us questions about our experience and what policies they could put in place at their schools or offices to help transgender people.  I watched my 12 year old baby speak on a panel with a microphone to a room full of adults.  It was definitely a proud mom moment!


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## *Tiggerific*

I have just looked over this thread and it has brought tears in my eyes. The support that you have given as a parent is amazing and you are a very special person for doing so. You relationship with your child is going to be such a joyous one because of the decision you made and helped them make for there future to make them a happier person in life. It really takes a special person to do that. Bravo.


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## Grmnshplvr

*Tiggerific* said:


> I have just looked over this thread and it has brought tears in my eyes. The support that you have given as a parent is amazing and you are a very special person for doing so. You relationship with your child is going to be such a joyous one because of the decision you made and helped them make for there future to make them a happier person in life. It really takes a special person to do that. Bravo.




Thank you so much.  Not supporting him was never an option.  It's my job as mom to be his safe and soft place.  Always <3


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## mmmagique

I'm so glad you have been (and are) there for your son. When my son came out to me, he wrote me a letter. In that letter he stressed that he was not going through a phase. I now feel that his doing so was a huge blessing for me, as I can see how you struggled thinking it might be just a phase. I totally understand all you are going through, and am right there with you. And good for you cutting toxic "grandpa" out of your life; it sounds like you'll all be better off without him.


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## ~Michy~

To the OP, I want to express how wonderful a job I think you are doing with your child. When I was 11 years old I started really realizing that I just didn't have the same attraction to the boys as my other girlfriends had. I never really questioned if I wanted to wear a bra or not or whether my period was going to be a big hassle to me, but I just started noticing things. I did the same thing as your child did and went to my Mom and well being from a religious upbringing she did not handle it the way you have. I can tell you one thing the way you handled this at your child's age of 11 will certainly affect your relationship with your child in the future. My relationship with my Mom is so distant now it is very sad. We may speak 3 times a year. She still does not accept my being a Lesbian and the thing that hurts the most there isn't a thing I can do about that. So keep doing exactly what you are doing and support your child's needs no matter what direction they take.


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## Grmnshplvr

Kind of wanted to give an update here since we just finished the first year of school since he came out.  What a year it's been.  He is in a much better place emotionally now than he was 2 years ago.  His grades really reflect that.  He finished with a 89  average, on the merit roll and nothing but good remarks from his teachers.  The yearbook this year had the name Tyler and that was just something that he was so worried they'd get it wrong (we haven't legally changed his name yet) but the school was great about it I wish I could figure out how to post the picture here....the smile.  

He has a great group of friends that support him and whose parents hold no judgement, or at least, they keep it to themselves if they do.  He's been busy with different clubs and stuff at school, 2 plays, chorus, drama club, art club, and yearbook club.  Since he's come out he's just been more involved and its truly amazing to watch someone come out of their shell and be who they are.  

2 weeks ago we walked in the pride parade. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am so glad we did.  Although we have great friends and family sometimes it can feel a little bit lonely to not have anyone very close to you experience this, but walking that parade and seeing crowds and crowds of people all accepting, supportive, and happy,....well, I guess we just didn't feel so alone. He needed that, and I did too.

I dont want to make it all sound like glitter and fun, because it isn't.  He has struggled with comments at school and does struggle with bouts of depression.  I am constantly worried about his safety and a small part of me very much mourns for the little girl I thought he was for 12 years.  It's tough, and old home videos can be so bittersweet.  But we just keep looking forward...

We have a lot of plans this summer and fun things coming up.  This year will be Tyler's first trip to Disney as Tyler.  That is huge and something he talks about all the time.  Most of our family photos are of us at Disney, all of them were before he came out. I am looking forward to getting our first family photo in front of the castle with him being who he was meant to be.


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## wilkeliza

Grmnshplvr said:


> Kind of wanted to give an update here since we just finished the first year of school since he came out.  What a year it's been.  He is in a much better place emotionally now than he was 2 years ago.  His grades really reflect that.  He finished with a 89  average, on the merit roll and nothing but good remarks from his teachers.  The yearbook this year had the name Tyler and that was just something that he was so worried they'd get it wrong (we haven't legally changed his name yet) but the school was great about it I wish I could figure out how to post the picture here....the smile.
> 
> He has a great group of friends that support him and whose parents hold no judgement, or at least, they keep it to themselves if they do.  He's been busy with different clubs and stuff at school, 2 plays, chorus, drama club, art club, and yearbook club.  Since he's come out he's just been more involved and its truly amazing to watch someone come out of their shell and be who they are.
> 
> 2 weeks ago we walked in the pride parade. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am so glad we did.  Although we have great friends and family sometimes it can feel a little bit lonely to not have anyone very close to you experience this, but walking that parade and seeing crowds and crowds of people all accepting, supportive, and happy,....well, I guess we just didn't feel so alone. He needed that, and I did too.
> 
> I dont want to make it all sound like glitter and fun, because it isn't.  He has struggled with comments at school and does struggle with bouts of depression.  I am constantly worried about his safety and a small part of me very much mourns for the little girl I thought he was for 12 years.  It's tough, and old home videos can be so bittersweet.  But we just keep looking forward...
> 
> We have a lot of plans this summer and fun things coming up.  This year will be Tyler's first trip to Disney as Tyler.  That is huge and something he talks about all the time.  Most of our family photos are of us at Disney, all of them were before he came out. I am looking forward to getting our first family photo in front of the castle with him being who he was meant to be.



Thank you for the update! Stories like yours might be the one that help another parent struggling through this. Also thank you for letting him march in Pride! You are right it is such a beautiful display of acceptance and support. Sure it can get a little cliche at times but when you see massive companies like Disney, Jetblue, the police department, fire departments, churches, etc marching for you (the major you that is the LGBT community) then you are reminded that there are a ton of people out there wiling to accept you as you are. 

Also just know it is completely okay to mourn and grieve the little girl portion that was lost. That doesn't mean you love Tyler your son any less it is just a natural response to a loss. Every parent has a thought for what they want for their child, marriage, babies, health, etc and when something changes that your mind needs to process the change and it does end up feeling like mourning. That is one of the struggles that the family of someone who transitions (or comes out) needs to know is okay and acceptable and it is the part we deal with on our own away from the other person. So just know you are still awesome even if looking back is still hard. One day it will just be apart of Tyler's story like anyone else's.


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## Grmnshplvr

wilkeliza said:


> Thank you for the update! Stories like yours might be the one that help another parent struggling through this. Also thank you for letting him march in Pride! You are right it is such a beautiful display of acceptance and support. Sure it can get a little cliche at times but when you see massive companies like Disney, Jetblue, the police department, fire departments, churches, etc marching for you (the major you that is the LGBT community) then you are reminded that there are a ton of people out there wiling to accept you as you are.
> 
> Also just know it is completely okay to mourn and grieve the little girl portion that was lost. That doesn't mean you love Tyler your son any less it is just a natural response to a loss. Every parent has a thought for what they want for their child, marriage, babies, health, etc and when something changes that your mind needs to process the change and it does end up feeling like mourning. That is one of the struggles that the family of someone who transitions (or comes out) needs to know is okay and acceptable and it is the part we deal with on our own away from the other person. So just know you are still awesome even if looking back is still hard. One day it will just be apart of Tyler's story like anyone else's.




Seeing the huge corporations flying the pride flag was something!  But what got me, almost brought me to tears, for some reason, was this little elderly man sitting on his front porch alone, waving a transgender flag in one hand, and pride flag in the other, next to his American flag hanging from his porch.  We tend to think older generations can't accept things like this but I'll tell you my grandfather (81) and my husbands grandfather (78, recently passed) used the name Tyler from the moment we told them, no questions asked.  My grandfather told me "as long as he's happy, he isn't bothering anyone!"  Both of these men put Tyler on his Christmas card.  That meant everything to Tyler!


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## gryffindors

Grmnshplvr said:


> 2 weeks ago we walked in the pride parade. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am so glad we did.  Although we have great friends and family sometimes it can feel a little bit lonely to not have anyone very close to you experience this, but walking that parade and seeing crowds and crowds of people all accepting, supportive, and happy,....well, I guess we just didn't feel so alone. He needed that, and I did too.
> 
> I dont want to make it all sound like glitter and fun, because it isn't.  He has struggled with comments at school and does struggle with bouts of depression.  I am constantly worried about his safety and a small part of me very much mourns for the little girl I thought he was for 12 years.  It's tough, and old home videos can be so bittersweet.  But we just keep looking forward...


I am just here to echo what so many before me have already said, you are knocking it out of the park in the supportive parent department. I'm not parents, but I do have several trans or non-binary friends and any of them would have been lucky to have a mother who respects them to this degree, especially at 11/12. Tyler seems to really be flourishing now that he is living as his authentic self!


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## Grmnshplvr

Tyler turned 13 last weekend.  I bought him a happy 1st birthday boyish bday card since its been 1 year since he came out lol He got a kick out of that. We took him and his friends to a local theme park, he had a great day with some great friends. I can't believe how much has changed since he was little.  Part of me feels sad, not sure if I'm mourning my daughter, or my baby maybe a bit of both because now both of my kids are teenagers but either way I'll be fine. I am so proud of how he has grown up the last year. He carries himself with confidence, he seems to be genuinely happy right now and I'd never ask for anything more.  

He also told me he doesn't want to  go to our group meetings any more.  The kids and parents groups have gotten so big since we first start (not a bad thing at all) but he feels like he doesn't get a chance to talk much when he's there, and I get that. We're driving 2 hours round trip and most of the time I don't get time to say much more than what my name is. They are discussing having more than one meeting a month or breaking us into groups because its really just gotten so huge, we didn't go to the august meeting but got an email that 4 more new parents came to the meeting too.  He does have contact with his friends outside of the group so I'm not going to make him go if he doesn't want to.  not sure if I'll continue or not.

In other news, We got his magic band for our upcoming trip a couple weeks ago and he was beaming with pride when he saw Tyler on the back. =D


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## wilkeliza

Grmnshplvr said:


> Tyler turned 13 last weekend.  I bought him a happy 1st birthday boyish bday card since its been 1 year since he came out lol He got a kick out of that. We took him and his friends to a local theme park, he had a great day with some great friends. I can't believe how much has changed since he was little.  Part of me feels sad, not sure if I'm mourning my daughter, or my baby maybe a bit of both because now both of my kids are teenagers but either way I'll be fine. I am so proud of how he has grown up the last year. He carries himself with confidence, he seems to be genuinely happy right now and I'd never ask for anything more.
> 
> He also told me he doesn't want to  go to our group meetings any more.  The kids and parents groups have gotten so big since we first start (not a bad thing at all) but he feels like he doesn't get a chance to talk much when he's there, and I get that. We're driving 2 hours round trip and most of the time I don't get time to say much more than what my name is. They are discussing having more than one meeting a month or breaking us into groups because its really just gotten so huge, we didn't go to the august meeting but got an email that 4 more new parents came to the meeting too.  He does have contact with his friends outside of the group so I'm not going to make him go if he doesn't want to.  not sure if I'll continue or not.
> 
> In other news, We got his magic band for our upcoming trip a couple weeks ago and he was beaming with pride when he saw Tyler on the back. =D



So glad it is going so well! Sounds like you are exactly the type of mom who should be blessed with an awesome kid like Tyler. Makes my heart happy that you say Tyler is back to being a happy confident kid. You are probably right that you are mourning both your baby and your daughter. That is totally okay. 2 hours round trip sounds a lot for a group meeting. If Tyler is done and you aren't getting out of it sounds good to let it go. I'm sure there are online based groups anyways that would give the same support. 

Thanks for your updates and being so open about your journey.


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## Grmnshplvr

wilkeliza said:


> So glad it is going so well! Sounds like you are exactly the type of mom who should be blessed with an awesome kid like Tyler. Makes my heart happy that you say Tyler is back to being a happy confident kid. You are probably right that you are mourning both your baby and your daughter. That is totally okay. 2 hours round trip sounds a lot for a group meeting. If Tyler is done and you aren't getting out of it sounds good to let it go. I'm sure there are online based groups anyways that would give the same support.
> 
> Thanks for your updates and being so open about your journey.



In the beginning the two hours was worth it, necessary even. I got so much out of those first few months when I was scared, emotional, and confused just by listening to other parents and being about to talk, but our group started off very small so we all had time to kind of work through whatever we needed.  Now there has to be over 30 people in the group and its just kind of chaotic.  I think we're in a good place right now and I do have a great group on facebook so maybe we'll just take a couple months from group and see if we miss it.  We can always go back if we want.


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## tarak

I read through this thread a year or so ago and have checked back on occasion to see your updates.  I read through it again yesterday because I'm now where you were when you first posted. My DD12 came out to me as gay a few months back. I had suspected for a while, so it wasn't a huge surprise. I said I loved her and wouldn't change a thing about her (except maybe the whole personal hygiene thing). Two nights ago, she told me wanted to transition to a male. I asked why she thought that (and made it clear I wasn't questioning the validity of her feelings). She said when she gets mistaken for a boy, it makes her feel good (and she gets mistaken for a boy all the time) and if that person gets corrected, she feels sad. She was so specific about it, I have to think she's correct (the whole pronoun thing is going to be hard to get used to). I immediately started to look into local LGBT groups and she's interested in going to meetings. 

Your post struck me in so many ways - my daughter also went through puberty at age 10 and it was really traumatic for her. She also loves anime and draws all the time .  She also has a 14-year-old sister.  

I'm just scared. We don't live in a particularly progressive area (central PA). I want my kid safe and happy and those two things don't seem very compatible at the moment.


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## Imaginearing-Disnerd

Hey, I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a fantastic job. Especially with how you approached the situation. I know that having your child come to and tell you these things must have been shocking and a little confusing, but how you approached the situation was really good. Having personally been where your child has been, I get it's a difficult time for them as well. I guess my best advice is to support them how ever you can,  with what ever they need. I would almost recommend seeing if they would want to go by gender nutural pronouns (they/them) until they find what they are most comfortable with. That wat it's not labeling them anything they are uncomfortable with, and gives them space to explore and figure out what feels most comfortable to them!


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## cruisehopeful

tarak said:


> I'm just scared. We don't live in a particularly progressive area (central PA). I want my kid safe and happy and those two things don't seem very compatible at the moment


Yeah. I think the hardest part as a parent is worrying that our kids will be hurt. In my case, most people have been very supportive - even people who I thought of as ultra conservative. Although, my daughter worries about me being upset and wouldn't tell me if there was an issue.

The pronouns get easier over time. I'm sure your child will be understanding if you mess up sometimes. It's only when people deliberately say the wrong thing that it hurts. Transitioning is the hardest part. There was a period where I was supposed to use the 2 names/genders in different situations. Once we hit the part where the name and pronouns were permanent, it got a lot easier for me. Surround yourself with people who are compassionate. If you have people in your life who are not supportive, you may want to make the subject off limits or even take a break from those people for a while.


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## tarak

I don't want to completely hijack Grmnshplvr's thread - it's just been so incredibly helpful. We talked last night about the boys locker room and bathrooms at school and that's an absolute no-go. She's still interested in playing field hockey (the middle school girls team), which surprised me.  Even wanted me to order a t-shirt.  I don't think there's confusion about gender, to be honest. But maybe having come out to me makes it easier to engage in some more gender specific activities? Although boys have played on the high school team before so it's not forbidden or anything.


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## Grmnshplvr

tarak said:


> I don't want to completely hijack Grmnshplvr's thread - it's just been so incredibly helpful. We talked last night about the boys locker room and bathrooms at school and that's an absolute no-go. She's still interested in playing field hockey (the middle school girls team), which surprised me.  Even wanted me to order a t-shirt.  I don't think there's confusion about gender, to be honest. But maybe having come out to me makes it easier to engage in some more gender specific activities? Although boys have played on the high school team before so it's not forbidden or anything.



I will send you a private message.


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## Grmnshplvr

tarak said:


> I read through this thread a year or so ago and have checked back on occasion to see your updates.  I read through it again yesterday because I'm now where you were when you first posted. My DD12 came out to me as gay a few months back. I had suspected for a while, so it wasn't a huge surprise. I said I loved her and wouldn't change a thing about her (except maybe the whole personal hygiene thing). Two nights ago, she told me wanted to transition to a male. I asked why she thought that (and made it clear I wasn't questioning the validity of her feelings). She said when she gets mistaken for a boy, it makes her feel good (and she gets mistaken for a boy all the time) and if that person gets corrected, she feels sad. She was so specific about it, I have to think she's correct (the whole pronoun thing is going to be hard to get used to). I immediately started to look into local LGBT groups and she's interested in going to meetings.
> 
> Your post struck me in so many ways - my daughter also went through puberty at age 10 and it was really traumatic for her. She also loves anime and draws all the time .  She also has a 14-year-old sister.
> 
> I'm just scared. We don't live in a particularly progressive area (central PA). I want my kid safe and happy and those two things don't seem very compatible at the moment.




I sent a private message but I also wanted to comment that we too are in a very conservative neighborhood, but, our school district is very progressive. they've been amazing at supporting Tyler and changes he needed to feel safe at school.  It hasn't been without issue (from other kids) but the staff has been great about it.

I have some very conservative  family members and friends and most have shocked me at how supportive they've been.  Even my step dad who I thought was going to absolutely tear aprt this family with his views on transgender people is using the name Tyler...he avoids pronouns at all cost but he's never slipped infront of Tyler and my mom said he's consistent with the name even when Tyler or I are not around.  I dont think his opinion has changed at all but I think he realized my line in the sand was not a blurry one and ultimately didn't want to hurt my mom which is fine, he can think and feel how he wants, just don't make things harder for Tyler (or me) than it already is.  

As far as friends go, I had to delete one friend of over 20 years last week after the president announced his ban on transgender soldiers.  This "friend" was very vocal on facebook about how he felt about that and I wont get into politics here but it was hurtful and I realized it wasn't someone I wanted around either of my children so I deleted him  Other than that my fears mostly have not been realized at all.


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## OKW Lover

Wanted to thank @Grmnshplvr for the updates.  Very informative and hopefully a help for others in the same situation.  Glad things are working out for Tyler!


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## Fivers

I came across this thread for the first time today and just read the whole thing, and all I can say is wow, what an amazing story of support and positivity! It is such an uplifting story, and I think really encapsulated a lot of parents' struggles, which you handled so well! I just wanted to say that your story really resonated with me, and thank you for being brave enough to share. I also sent you a PM


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## Terri_Berri

All you parents of trans kids are handling things pretty cool. My family used to be supportive for a long time, but a lot of things changed and now a brother won’t let his daughter be around me and a sister is really uncomfortable because her started asking what happened to old me and stuff like that

So, my parents have decided that I am not allowed at family gatherings. The first one I was directly excluded from was Christmas 2016, and it’s continued to this day. I confronted them about going to last Thanksgiving but they made it very clear I was not welcome (spent that day at Disneyland though!). My other sister was the person I thought would defend me the most but she didn’t. Nobody did. My parents chose their grandkids over me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Needless to say, relations are not very good these days.

Anyways, to all you parents, please don’t stop being parents when your kids grow up.  They’re still going to need your support and love and everything no matter how much they grow up.


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## Chuck S

Terri_Berri said:


> ...spent that day at Disneyland though!



Well, there are memories, after my Mom's sister made a big mess of Thanksgiving, Disneyland became our Thanksgiving tradition for my Mom, grandparents and myself, until my Grandparents passed away and Mom and I moved to Texas. Really great memories!


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## tarak

Terri_Berri said:


> All you parents of trans kids are handling things pretty cool. My family used to be supportive for a long time, but a lot of things changed and now a brother won’t let his daughter be around me and a sister is really uncomfortable because her started asking what happened to old me and stuff like that
> 
> So, my parents have decided that I am not allowed at family gatherings. The first one I was directly excluded from was Christmas 2016, and it’s continued to this day. I confronted them about going to last Thanksgiving but they made it very clear I was not welcome (spent that day at Disneyland though!). My other sister was the person I thought would defend me the most but she didn’t. Nobody did. My parents chose their grandkids over me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Needless to say, relations are not very good these days.
> 
> Anyways, to all you parents, please don’t stop being parents when your kids grow up.  They’re still going to need your support and love and everything no matter how much they grow up.



This makes me so sad. If you are ever in Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving or Christmas, you are welcome at my house.  I’m so sorry you are going through that.  Kids ask questions all the time - you just answer them.  A big part of parenting is answering questions that make you uncomfortable.  The only reason I haven’t discussed transgender issues yet with my kindergartener is because we live in a less than understanding part of the country.  It’s not that I don’t think I could explain it. Rather, she’d tell anyone and everyone that her sister is now her brother and I’m still at the point where I’m worried someone will hurt my trans kid because he’s trans. The little one does know that boys marry boys, girls marry girls, and boys marry girls, and it doesn’t matter to me who she likes as long as that person is kind to her. A co-worker gave me a copy of National Geographic from January that was all about gender.  It was fantastic. I’m trying to get extra copies to give to some of our relatives.    My mom knows and I think it might be helpful and interesting information for her. She told my son something along the lines of “many people thought Eleanor Roosevelt was a lesbian and I idolized her.  I have her autograph and a picture of her with my father. You can have them when I die.”  

My oldest daughter is struggling with it. She’s convinced it’s more about T not wanting to have breasts and a period.  My 10-year-old wrote T a note saying he couldn’t ask for a better big brother.  The little one immediately corrected me when I referred to T as a he.  My husband is hoping it’s a phase. I don’t care - although the name change is super super hard for me - I just don’t want people to be mean to my kid. So we’re kind of all over the map. But at the end of the day, we love him and he loves us.


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## cruisehopeful

Terri_Berri said:


> So, my parents have decided that I am not allowed at family gatherings. The first one I was directly excluded from was Christmas 2016, and it’s continued to this day. I confronted them about going to last Thanksgiving but they made it very clear I was not welcome (spent that day at Disneyland though!). My other sister was the person I thought would defend me the most but she didn’t. Nobody did. My parents chose their grandkids over me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Needless to say, relations are not very good these days.


I'm sorry for their loss. Not being around my kids is the worst thing ever and all my friends feel the same way about their own kids. Families have so much dependence/dysfunction. They will have a lot of regret someday.

I thought my family would reject my daughter when she came out, but they didn't. I was fully prepared to tell them off and cut them out of my life if they weren't supportive. I think I am too much the opposite of your parents. I get too defensive instead of trying to educate people. I just have a really low tolerance for ignorance if it is coupled with a bad attitude. 

I still deal with the issue of seeing people I haven't seen in years and them asking about my son. Most of the time, I do say she is now a daughter, but there are times when I just don't feel like going into it with someone whom I barely know and don't care if I ever see again.


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## mamabunny

Terri_Berri said:


> All you parents of trans kids are handling things pretty cool. My family used to be supportive for a long time, but a lot of things changed and now a brother won’t let his daughter be around me and a sister is really uncomfortable because her started asking what happened to old me and stuff like that
> 
> So, my parents have decided that I am not allowed at family gatherings. The first one I was directly excluded from was Christmas 2016, and it’s continued to this day. I confronted them about going to last Thanksgiving but they made it very clear I was not welcome (spent that day at Disneyland though!). My other sister was the person I thought would defend me the most but she didn’t. Nobody did. My parents chose their grandkids over me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Needless to say, relations are not very good these days.
> 
> Anyways, to all you parents, please don’t stop being parents when your kids grow up.  They’re still going to need your support and love and everything no matter how much they grow up.




I too am sorry for your family's loss.  The older I get, the more I realize that money, fame, politics, religion, gender, sexuality and all of the things that tend to polarize families, communities and our country as a whole don't really mean squat.

What *is* important is the people in our lives, and in our hearts. What is important is love.  

Sometimes - as you have learned - we have to look externally for the love and support that we expect and desire from our family.  It pains me every time I think that someone has to create a new familial group to bring them the love and support that we take for granted that our bio family will provide.  

So, if your bio family can't/won't support you, then create a new family.  Identify the people in your world who love you exactly as you are, and with no conditions.  Surround yourself with those people - and if someday, your bio family welcomes you to come back to family gatherings, you can be the one who decides whether or not you will go.  (For the record, I will urge you to go, because people can, and do change - and that will be my prayer for you.)

Create a family that is worthy of loving the amazing person you are.  Surround yourself with loving, positive people who want to be a part of your world.  And never forget that you are perfect just as you are.  (((hugs)))


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## Grmnshplvr

Its been so long since I did an update and wanted to share our big news with everyone.  Last week we filed the paperwork to legally change Tyler's name!! He is in high school now and has really been looking forward to this step in his journey.  Our lawyer said once the paperwork is filed it shouldn't take long at all.  Tyler is beyond thrilled of course.  Showing his birth certificate at the airport when we go to disney was always a source of anxiety for him and now wont be something he'll have to think about for our next trip.  

Tyler is doing awesome, going to high school from the middle school was a very smooth transition for him. I explained to him last summer he's always been through ALOT of change, anything that happens in his life from now on will probably seem so much easier for him than most kids since he's had to learn to adapt/adjust to major change at such a young age and not only did he do that and survived, but he thrived.  He has a great group of friends, found some clubs at school that fit him well and has a zest for life again.  His grades are 80/90s consistently.  I couldn't be more proud of the young adult he is becoming.  I read back on the doubt, fear, and uncertainty we had in the beginning and wish I could have told myself then what the future would look like for him, maybe it wouldn't have taken so long to accept.  Either way, we're here now and I wouldn't change a thing about him.


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## robinb

Great news!  Thank you for the update!

FWIW, I don’t recall my DD ever having to show a birth certificate for Disney. As for the TSA I don’t recall her showing any ID at all until she turned 18.  Of course, the official name change will smooth the way for correct name matching state IDs in the future.


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## DizMinMouse

This is so great to hear. Thanks so much for the update. I’m so happy to hear that Tyler has an awesome support network. You’re all so blessed to have each other. You have a great family


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## Grmnshplvr

robinb said:


> Great news!  Thank you for the update!
> 
> FWIW, I don’t recall my DD ever having to show a birth certificate for Disney. As for the TSA I don’t recall her showing any ID at all until she turned 18.  Of course, the official name change will smooth the way for correct name matching state IDs in the future.



never for disney, but TSA we always take it and the only time we were told we didn't need it was coming back from Orlando, but the TSA in Buffalo always takes it


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## tarak

Grmnshplvr said:


> Its been so long since I did an update and wanted to share our big news with everyone.  Last week we filed the paperwork to legally change Tyler's name!! He is in high school now and has really been looking forward to this step in his journey.  Our lawyer said once the paperwork is filed it shouldn't take long at all.  Tyler is beyond thrilled of course.  Showing his birth certificate at the airport when we go to disney was always a source of anxiety for him and now wont be something he'll have to think about for our next trip.
> 
> Tyler is doing awesome, going to high school from the middle school was a very smooth transition for him. I explained to him last summer he's always been through ALOT of change, anything that happens in his life from now on will probably seem so much easier for him than most kids since he's had to learn to adapt/adjust to major change at such a young age and not only did he do that and survived, but he thrived.  He has a great group of friends, found some clubs at school that fit him well and has a zest for life again.  His grades are 80/90s consistently.  I couldn't be more proud of the young adult he is becoming.  I read back on the doubt, fear, and uncertainty we had in the beginning and wish I could have told myself then what the future would look like for him, maybe it wouldn't have taken so long to accept.  Either way, we're here now and I wouldn't change a thing about him.



So happy to read the update!  Congrats to Tyler!


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## disneyfanbecky

So happy to hear these updates! Wanted to share for anyone reading that Gender Spectrum (a nonprofit organization focused on youth & gender) offers free groups for parents and youth that are virtual. For example, they have video hangouts for teens and preteens (and I think even younger) and phone support groups for parents (and I think grandparents too). If you Google the name of the organization, you'll get to their website where you can request more info. They are a great program, and might be helpful when people have to drive so far to join in-person groups!


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## SaraJR

Niagara on the Ontario side of the border does LGBT prom every year & if there is no pride over there I would bring him up to Toronto's it can feel so good and he can meet people and get tips. He might need binding soon make sure he uses a proper binder, not bandages. Glad to hear he is doing well.


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## DisDreaming4116

Grmnshplvr said:


> I am looking forward to getting our first family photo in front of the castle with him being who he was meant to be.


 I know this particular post is almost 2 years old but I cried here at work when reading this and thinking about this line in the Happily Ever After fireworks.  Very happy for you and your family things are going well.


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## Mrs.Beast2

I would like to recommend GenderSpectrum.  They are in CA and are an amazing group. They usually run a weekend conference for families, but it is canceled this year.  They have tons of online resources and support groups.  We went to the conference a few years ago and it was fantastic.  I highly recommend looking at their site and reaching out to them. They are bay area local, so literally every trans-family I know has either gone to the conference or used their resources. I do not know one person who does not think GS was integral in supporting their family through transitions and gender explorations. My two Cis-gender daughters felt it was really helpful in understanding where their sister was coming from and understanding how she felt when she was unable to express herself.  My husband and I also learned a lot about everything from emotional support, medical issues, religious issues, and legal issues.  They really have people who are very knowledgable.


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