# Moving On



## BMWTeamLeader

Hello,

I came across this board only today, tho I'm been a DIS member for a little while now. There is some sadness in my life that I am struggling with and could use an area like this to share in hopes of being able to move foreward in my home.

I'm in my 40's. Married back in 2001, had a daughter in 2002, wife took off in 2005, leaving me to pick up the pieces with my daughter. I was the best dad I could be even tho I struggled a ton. Flash forward to 2010, married a woman I had been seeing for three years and had four children of her own (currently ages 18-10). The dynamic was a lot for my daughter, I'm the first to admit. Long story short, she went to go to live her mom. I took a huge risk that I was doing the right thing, but once at mom's our relationship took a turn and now she (my daughter) has refused anything to do with me. 

I have tons of professionals in my life helping me grieve over this unfortunate circumstance. I have shared legal rights so I know my daughter is doing well where she is and her mom has come along way insofar as stepping up to the plate, so that's not a concern, but unfortunately being able to co-parent in this new sety-up  has been tried and failed. I'm being told the best thing I can do is wait, hope and have faith that one day my daughter will want a relationship with me.

My wife is supportive as are her children. My wife and I are great communicators. Its her biggest asset, but as I grieve and adjust to yet another lifestyle change,  the saddness I feel gets a bit overwhelming for them...and for me.

I guess what I hope to accomplish by writing here is to find a place with people around where I can grieve, reminisce, and see myself thru this muddy patch, so as not to take away from the joy I have around my family; yet not forget how much joy my daughter brought to me and how much I miss her every single day. I also need some self-confidence as a father figure because over time I've done a bit of damage to that over the guilt I feel for trying to do my best, but falling short.

Thank You for listening...


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## kandb

Sorry to hear about your situation with your daughter.  One thing that helps me in life is when I accept that I have no control over what another person decides to do.  Even if you have made mistakes (and all parents have), perhaps when she is more mature and realizes "nobody is perfect", she will reach out to you.  Can you send her cards or a note and tell her you love and miss her?  I wish you luck and enjoy life, no matter what.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Thank you. Yes, I send her cards as often as I can. Part of my adjustment isthe "less is more" approach. When she was living with me I overcompensated for the qualities I lacked. One thing I remember is she always loved me for who I was. After I took her to Disney World for the first time (she was 5) she said Daddy I love you more than Mickey Mouse. Later in life when I apologized for for not being perfect, she said "but daddy you're perfect for me". As for the latter I had a hard time believing her, mostly because my biggest imperfection is not believing in myself. This is where we disconnected and this is what I have to work on


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## StitchesGr8Fan

I'm sorry about your situation OP. it sounds like you are doing the right things. 

It also sounds like your daughter is at that awkward age when she needs her mom. Her body is starting to change, so are her thoughts and feelings, as well as social interactions. I went through that stage where my dad just didn't understand where I was going through (or so I thought). It passed eventually. 

Here's to hoping she is just going through a faze. Keep your head up. .


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## disneydee6

OP, sorry about the situation you are in. It sounds to me, like the best thing you can do right now is make sure she knows that whenever she does come around, that you are there for her and that you love your daughter very much. 

Perhaps her Mom can be a help in making sure that your daughter knows that just because circumstances have changed doesn't mean you love her any less. Life is constantly changing, and for someone her age, it is a very hard concept to understand. Girls that age are a bucket of hormones and when they are angry, the parent who may have made a few mistakes is like a walking target. No parent is perfect, and kids don't come with guidebooks, you can expect to make mistakes along the way. You just have to hope that in time, she will come around.

In the meantime, dwelling is not only hurting you, but also the supportive family you have. Just be as patient as you can, and take some solace in knowing you are trying the best you can.


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## DisneyFairytale

BMWTeamLeader said:


> Hello,
> 
> I came across this board only today, tho I'm been a DIS member for a little while now. There is some sadness in my life that I am struggling with and could use an area like this to share in hopes of being able to move foreward in my home.
> 
> I'm in my 40's. Married back in 2001, had a daughter in 2002, wife took off in 2005, leaving me to pick up the pieces with my daughter. I was the best dad I could be even tho I struggled a ton. Flash forward to 2010, married a woman I had been seeing for three years and had four children of her own (currently ages 18-10). The dynamic was a lot for my daughter, I'm the first to admit. Long story short, she went to go to live her mom. I took a huge risk that I was doing the right thing, but once at mom's our relationship took a turn and now she (my daughter) has refused anything to do with me.
> 
> I have tons of professionals in my life helping me grieve over this unfortunate circumstance. I have shared legal rights so I know my daughter is doing well where she is and her mom has come along way insofar as stepping up to the plate, so that's not a concern, but unfortunately being able to co-parent in this new sety-up  has been tried and failed. I'm being told the best thing I can do is wait, hope and have faith that one day my daughter will want a relationship with me.
> 
> My wife is supportive as are her children. My wife and I are great communicators. Its her biggest asset, but as I grieve and adjust to yet another lifestyle change,  the saddness I feel gets a bit overwhelming for them...and for me.
> 
> I guess what I hope to accomplish by writing here is to find a place with people around where I can grieve, reminisce, and see myself thru this muddy patch, so as not to take away from the joy I have around my family; yet not forget how much joy my daughter brought to me and how much I miss her every single day. I also need some self-confidence as a father figure because over time I've done a bit of damage to that over the guilt I feel for trying to do my best, but falling short.
> 
> Thank You for listening...




It sounds like you raised your daughter well. Reading your thread was interesting, because in your situation I was your daughter. I chose to disconnect myself from my father and chose to cut al ties with him because he re-married and decided to make the best decision for himself and I was not mature enough or ready to deal with the big changes. 

I raised very well, and those memories and things he taught me got me to want to have a relationship with him but what it took was time and a lot of growing up into the women I am today. I guarantee you right now, that there is not a day that goes by where she does not think about you. I think it's just so difficult for a child to deal with such big changes, that its sometimes easier to go to the parent that is most stable at that moment. 

She will turn around. The best thing my dad did when I chose to stay away to not have to face or deal with the overwhelming change, was to stay positive and happy for me despite the difficulty of dealing with it. He continued to keep in touch and remind he was there at christmas and birthdays(despite me getting angry about him doing so), and my heart grew up and things changed.


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## MomiTo2SwtGuys

Praying for you!


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## mommasita

I'm sorry for all you are going through. You sound like a loving man..

Thoughts and prayers.


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## cm8

Hugs, I hope that you are able to spend more time with your DD and that the relationship you had will once again flourish


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## BMWTeamLeader

Thank you for all your encouraging words. A bit of good news happened over Easter when DD's teacher asked me to come in for a parent-teacher conference...a routine one, nothing bad. I was so nervous...nervous that she and I might accidently run into each other (altho I scheduled it long after school got out just to be sure) and nervous I might run into a disgruntled judgemental teacher, but it was nothing like that. The teacher was supportive and empathetic. We discussed that DD was doing so great socially, academically and emotionally. There were essays on the wall and hers was about a happy memeory when she was in the fourth grade at the school she was going to when she lived with me. The teacher complimented me on what a great job I did. I humbly (and a little bit tearfully) accepted the compliment.

I wrote DD that night a congatulations card. It wasn't really recieved well, but instead of staying silent she wrote this long letter with a lot of anger underneath it all. Unlike other times I was not surprised. In a good space I really tried to listen to what she was saying as if she were saying things right to my face. I sent her a reply, a short reply, a gentle reply, but after it went in the mailbox I started to second guess my choice of words and scared I was still speaking "grown up speak" as I have done unintentionally in the past. My friends remind me that I'm trying and that's all I can do. I have come a long way in my whole attitude about this.

My wife and my other 10 year old have helped me create a space in our house where I can go when I miss DD so that way they know if I am upset I am not upset at them, I just miss my daughter and need to feel close. There are pics of her, inspirational sayings, and a hope chest of some of the special memories and school projects, etc. that got left behind. I am also thinking of making a time capsule and burying it in the backyard in hopes one day a long time from now, we might be able to unearth it together....

Anything I can do to let go, but still remember......


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## Goldilocks07

This post really touched my heart.  I really feel your pain, and I am a 37 year old woman with a 2 year old- in other words, though I am no where in your situation I can feel your loss.
It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can from your end, and in due time your daughter will (as the other poster stated) grow up and mature a bit.

Thank you for sharing with me (us).  Reading your story made me realize the love and caring a father can have for his daughter.

I wish you happiness and peace of mind...sending a big Baloo bear hug your way.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Father's Day this year brought a new resolve. I was nervous because I wasn't quite sure how I was going to react. But it was great. My wife and Dd 11 made me breakfast and lavished me with homemade gifts. We went to lunch with my 14 year old. We went to Taco Bell which by itself wasn't that sentimental except that's where my ex wife went with her cravings when she was carrying my DD. My 19 year old stepson needed help filling out job applications. And my own dad took me out yesterday for dinner and bought me a new pair of dress shoes as I have advanced in my job and needed a touch of professional pizazz about me. 

I have been writing faithfully to my distant daughter for many months now and my gut was saying I needed to try something new. So I set up  some parameters with my ex wife to begin making goodnight phone calls daily. I was prepared for the worst but that made the abrupt hang ups a bit more bearable. Sometimes I hear it in her voice how much she misses me. Other times I hear how frightened she really is about sharing how she feels or even uncertain. If she is anything like her daddy managing emotions do not come easy. I have learned to be grateful for the time I get each night even if its only five seconds even if she looks for anything to turn into a negative while I stick to the positive. It's like the little engine that could. The effort it takes is becoming less overwhelming. We have a long way to go but even that doesn't seem so far as it used to. The most difficult thing is I love her more than words can express and the distance makes it challenging to convey that. But I want to find a way to keep at it.


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## Shelly F - Ohio

What about Skyping on the computer with your DD? That way you have some face to face time with her and it makes it more personable.


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## mommasita

Glad you had a nice Father's Day..

I can't imagine the hurt.. But as an adult who was your daughter. She will grow up and her eyes will be wide open. I know this doesn't help you now. I think it is fabulous that you let her know how you feel, and it isn't ever TOO often.. She is stuck between a rock and a hard place...


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## BMWTeamLeader

Shelly F - Ohio said:


> What about Skyping on the computer with your DD? That way you have some face to face time with her and it makes it more personable.



I would love face to face time on  Skype but my daughter is no where near ready for that and that would take a lot more cooperation than my ex is willing to give. 

There will always be ideas to take things to a new level but now is not the time.


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## JohnstonMandy

I wish she could read this thread. I am tearing up over your longing for a relationship with her. I'm so glad you are making progress. 

Girls are so difficult (I am one and was blessed with 2 dds) but the best advice I can offer is, don't give up on her. Even if she's angry, she needs you - and if you miss one call, it's easy for that one missed day to turn into a whole week. I am certain you make this a priority by your posts and I admire your love and determination to stand by her. I will be praying for your dd to realize what a gift she has in such a loving, devoted father. Hugs!!


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## DisneyJsquared

Your post hurts my heart. I can only imagine the pain you feel. First off, I kind of know what your daughter is going through. I was extremely close with my father - he essentially raised me by himself until I was about four years old. We had some serious rough patches when he got re-married and when I hit puberty, man, that was not a fun time for anybody. But my dad and I are very close again today and I am so grateful to have such a loving, caring dad. If there is one thing I know, the "don't give up" advice will definitely pay off. 

The fact that she wrote you a letter expressing her feelings is a wonderful sign that she is open to rekindling her relationship with you. And let's not forget, her  body and brain are going through so much right now. Adolescence is basically a second form of the terrible twos. Her words may be saying she wants independence, but on the inside she's a fireball of adolescent emotion. What she needs right now is to feel safe and secure. The biggest and most wonderful thing you can do is continue to let her know you are here, you care, you miss her, you love her, and you would do anything for her. Just keep saying that. She will come around. 

And I would urge to not take such a hands off approach. Don't force her into anything, but act like her parent. Don't ask for her to love you, just know she will, and until then, go visit her for an afternoon, take her to lunch, spend the whole time letting her talk, listening to her, ask her every question you can think of, tell her you love her. If she balks at first, keep bugging her about it. When my dad used to tell me things I didn't like, he would say, "You may not like it, but there is no one else on this earth who cares more about what's best for you than me." EVen though I may have rolled my eyes, that one statement made me feel so loved. My dad still tells me those words and they still make me feel special.


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## DisneyJsquared

Okay, so I read through all the replies and saw you were doing the goodnight phone calls and everything. You're doing a great job, dad. Your presence is immensely important even if it doesn't seem appreciated. 

Would it be too crazy to suggest you and your daughter go to counseling together? It might help to have an intermediary and to get some dialogue going.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Thank you for all the recent replies. Nothing new to report. I have kept up with the phone calls although she refuses to answer the phone I leave a message each time. Off to her school open house tomorrow. She won't be there but the school system had been great about keeping me informed of her academic progress and any opportunities that come along like that ill take over just waiting to hear her voice again. 

I have been advised by most of the professionals at this point that my ex has my daughter shielded by a lot of my attempts to connect with my daughter but there is not a lot more i can do or they can do and it's become just a waiting game based on faith - something I utilize daily. 

As for therapy, her mother won't cooperate putting her in therapy. i go myself plus to a weekly parents group. Anything to keep going in a foreword motion. It's work that my daughter doesn't see now but hopefully someday. 

Marlin needs to be strong for his Nemo. I am thankful for my Disney ties to help me keep swimming.


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## BMWTeamLeader

After weeks of not hearing anything except the answering machine on the other end. My daughter returned the phone call and we talked for a good twenty minutes . She's angry at me no doubt but I let her get angry at me only correcting her when it started to get disrespectful. 

All my therapy is paying off. I can step back enough to decipher where truth lies and what needs attention versus what can just be let go. 

I hated she was so angry but so proud of her for persisting and not giving up on the call. I could have stayed on much longer but it was getting to the point where she was going to combust. She tried very hard to verbally spearhead me but for the first time in a long time I took it like a parent. It took her by surprise. 

But if she and I agreed on one thing it was that nothing could be solved in one phone call or in x amounts of years. 

I told her I'd wait for as long as it took. That I wasn't going anywhere and I will keep on wanting a place in her life and search out the opportunities.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Omg omg omg...what an awesome day! My daughters mom and I have been emailing each other since the open house. She initiated the suggestion of us going to parent teacher conference together instead of the customary separate sessions for her and I.

I loved the idea but my trust issues kicked in and I explained as politely as I could how uncomfortable that made me feel seeing how at this point nothing we were doing was united (and not for a lack of trying either). 

So there were a few short emails back and forth. I can't explain a lot without getting personal but the only thing that was upsetting to me about her parenting style was keeping me out of the loop even when valuable pieces of information about things about our relationship might have come in handy. That was setting me up for failure and by no means helpful.

I'm not sure if it was what I said or how I said it but I got a surprise in my email from her in the form of my daughter's first day of school picture with a message that mom and I can keep up a dialogue.

I have not felt so much relief in such a short time. In all the struggles that I've had it brings me so much joy that I stumbled upon the beginnings of something familiar but new. 

One of my favorite plays in the whole world is A Christmas Carol (I am my community theatre's resident Bob Cratchitt) I feel like Scrooge at the end realizing so much and finding joy in the ability to get a second chance.

All I can think of to say right now is God Bless Us Everyone!


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## BMWTeamLeader

It's still going good...for my relationship with my daughter. I got the sweetest, most sensitive response to my regular goodnight call last night.

Its very difficult to recapture the moment in words, but I was devestated the whole day as I had just been laid off from my job. I made my regular goodnite call, left my regular goodnight message with no mention of anything that was happening around me

A few minutes later the phone rang back. I took a deep breath, and the voice on the other end..it wasn't angry...I kept the focus on her and what she was saying, but the tone changed when she wanted to express how sorry she was I lost my job, but not to worry that I'd find another one. I thanked her and then I asked her about her weekend coming up and if she had any plans.

It was so "in the moment"...

After a few minutes she asked if it was okay if her mom talked to me. I said that was okay and her mom and I chatted about the email I sent about how we were going work child support.

DD made it a point to ask her mom if before she hung up if she could say goodnite to me. Mom asked me if that was okay and of course I said SURE! 

I hung up and my tears of sorrow turned to tears of joy. I was able to wake up and remember how much my work was working where it needed to and I could face everything else knowing my daughter does still love me.


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## mommasita

How wonderful... I missed a few posts, I apologize..

You made my WEEK!!!!!!!! 

What a loving and caring man and father you are... I wish you nothing but the best.. Love pays off


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## BMWTeamLeader

When my daughter was five it took her to Disney. On our last night when I wished her goodnight she said daddy I love you more than Mickey Mouse. 

I never thought I'd hear anything sweeter. I was wrong.

My calls with my daughter have been more frequent and longer each week.

Last night she  said 

Dad I'm glad we started talking again...


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## mommasita

Awww, on a bad day you brought me to tears!!

Love pays off


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## GoofyPrincess

I have been lurking and reading your posts and it occured to me that you may not realize how many people are like me - reading and praying for you, but not posting. 

Thank you for giving us updates. your words have cheered me up more than once. I am so happy that you are working things out with you daughter and that you are such a strong and caring father. You are simply amazing.


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## 3Gsandme

BMWTeamLeader said:


> Thank you. Yes, I send her cards as often as I can. Part of my adjustment isthe "less is more" approach. When she was living with me I overcompensated for the qualities I lacked. One thing I remember is she always loved me for who I was. After I took her to Disney World for the first time (she was 5) she said Daddy I love you more than Mickey Mouse. Later in life when I apologized for for not being perfect, she said "but daddy you're perfect for me". As for the latter I had a hard time believing her, mostly because my biggest imperfection is not believing in myself. This is where we disconnected and this is what I have to work on



It sounds like things are moving forward in a more positive way.  I'm glad.

But, I do want to say that you shouldn't be putting statements like "I'm not perfect" on your young daughter.  I understand why you may need her reassurance, but that blurs lines between the two of you.  Absolutely apologize for your mistakes.  God knows we all make them, but please don't list your short comings to her.


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## BMWTeamLeader

There will be good times and there will be bad. Lately things have been neither just very tough. About two weeks ago on my phone call my daughter in a pretty serious tone asked that we ditch the small talk and begin talking about the past two years. I was floored by her candor but impressed by her maturity. We talked at great length. There is still a lot we are not hearing each other say. Still the discussion remained engaged and not lopsided as before. I talked to her as gently as I could and answered her questions to the best of my ability. I left her speechless and tearfully she asked to end the conversation. She hasn't picked up any of my calls since. 

The waiting is hard and with the holidays and me still out of work I'm more out of sorts than usual. 

I am excited about the gifts I sent for Christmas. One of the best calls we had was when she played her keyboard for me and she said she plays on the floor because she didn't have a stand. Right then and there I knew what I was going to get her. My parents are getting the bench that goes with it. I hope she remembers that phone call. 

Love my little girl. Want the best for her. Still left with the feeling I could be doing more but right now I keep up with what I've been doing and do a lot of praying alongside. I won't give up .


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## mommasita

HI there.

As you say, I am sure they will be ups and downs... Anything worth it, is worth the trials and tribulations, isn't it.

I applaud and am SO moved by your love for your daughter... She must have a lot to think about and deal with, along with just plain old growing up 

Maybe you can fill some daytime by writing a nice journal.. She may enjoy reading it one day.


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## seven dwarfs

I want to give you a little advice from a daughter who has issues with her parents.  For me, to hear my parents say to me, "I did the best I could" or "I did the best I knew how", is the one thing I hate to hear.  I think a child has a right to their feelings.  I also think those feelings need to be validated.  For example, If my daughter were to say to me that she doesn't think I love her, instead of telling her she is silly and of course I love her, I would validate her and try to get her to explain to me why she feels that way.  I would also ask her what I can do to make it better.  

Sometimes pride can get in the way of any relationship on both sides.  The words "I am sorry" go such a long way.  The words, "what can I do for you today" go such a long way.  I think we try to explain our way out of things and try to convince others why their feelings are wrong.  Instead, we should validate a feeling and try to figure out how to make it better.

I truly hope you are able to make things better.  Don't ever give up.  I would keep a journal.  Maybe you could write two.  One for your eyes only.  Another for you to give to her when she is older to show how much you truly love her.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Thanks for response. During the time I have been apart from my daughter I know I could  have done better. I've been given a lot to think about things she has said to me directly and events over time I replay in my mind over and over. I also am still a parent and I am noticing with changed techniques I get different results. What my daughter has said to me makes complete and utter sense, but right now saying "I'm sorry" doesn't fly with her...they are just words...To be honest I'm having a hard time expressing what I'm sorry for, and ultimately I end up feeling sorry for myself

Our communication is so poor and I believe it always was. I was thinking about this the other day, when the last time we talked (back in november) she was saying to me how hard she tried to talk to me about how many problems she was having living with me (when she lived with me). Its like she was saying "I need your help" and I was hearing"I don't want to live with you anymore" and I reacted accordingly...I panicked and took it personally.

Even to myself, these explanations emotionally don't me feel better saying them never mind hearing them.

I'm still in a tizzy that time is going by and I am missing out on a lot in my daughter's life. I'm pushing through an uncomfortable amount of sadness, self pity and sometimes anger. I am doing the best I can for now, but there's a heck of a lot of room for improvement.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Its been quite some time since my last post. There has not been a lot to report. Grief got the better of me and my therapists advised I stop the weekly calls out that never got answered. It wasn't doing either of any good, at least that was the impression I was left with. 

My daughter finished her first year in Middle School with all A's. I'm very proud of her. That says to me she's got great focus and I don't want any of that focus detracted from.

I am a person who likes thing big...but when it comes to overcompensating for someone not being there, bigger is not better...This was a challenge not easily getting used to and I found in these very long months of self reflection, new discipline and keeping my emotions in check, I am becoming the dad that my daughter kept wishing I was - or maybe saw me as in the first place.

As the days progress forward, I continue to seek out consistency in my behavior.

The waiting has paid off...I had a very intelligent conversation with my daughter's mom last night while we were waiting for Open House to begin. My absence from the phones, from what understand has initiated more than a few conversations about me. Her mom takes each one as it comes, and mostly itcomes down to dealing with the past.

Scared as I was, I approached the subject of a family therapist. Because of the disaster trying to talk about the past one on one; which I am convinced brought down six weeks of phone calls that were going great, I remain firm in not bringing up the past with my daughter unless it was in a therapy setting. I told her mom she could use her discrestion relaying this information (because in all honesty I was saying this for her benefit more than my daughter's).

It felt good to set that boundary. It felt better being able to express it without the drama that usually has followed.

I've found my success parenting my stepdaughter relies a lot on the success I have communicating with my wife....I believe the same can happen (more or less) with my daughter and my ex. It becomes less and less about how do I get her back and more more about how do I improve the relationship under the current circumstances.

Even without the daily contact, my daughter is a part of my day and a part of my routine and from what I understand I am not totally ignored in her world either.

Even wit the small signs I've gotten in the past 24 hours, I forsee big results when the time is right.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings - Good Night


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## BMWTeamLeader

I went to my daughter's school holiday concert last night. I accidently found out about it in conversing with her mom a few weeks ago. She had mention DD had a solo, so I took a leap of faith it wasn't going to turn into an argument and politely asked when it was. Not really having any excuse why I couldn't go, I made plans to attend.

Realizing of course that I was pretty much showing up unannounced, I didn't make a big production of my attendance. I sat in the back and just appreciated being there. 

As much as I wanted to go up and say hello after, I felt it wouldn't be appropriate under the circumstances...

maybe someday.


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## BMWTeamLeader

This past week i was made aware of another vocal concert that my daughter was participating in, so I made arrangements to go. My dad, mom, DD12 and her friend also wanted to go so we made plans. We sat in the back,again not calling attention to ourselves. It was beautiful and biased be told my daughter shined  in the sea of choristers (my daughter was the only middle school student in her whole town participating in this by audition only event). At the end, crowd traffic was directed out a certain set of doors...my dad bolted on ahead, the rest brought up the rear. I When I turned the corner, my dad was talking to her. I held back. My dad came up to me elated he had spoken to her. He encouraged me to say hello. I asked if she asked to see me. He said not really, then I told him I couldn't approach her. As I kept walking I glanced over at her. She was half glancing at me but hiding her face as well. I caught her eyes and I mouthed "I love you". She stood there tearfully. I gestured if I could approach her. She nodded. She was overwhelmed with emotion (tears, lots of tears) She said something I didn't hear above the crowd. I told her it was a wonderful concert, what a good job she did and I was looking forward to seeing her in her school play next month. She seemed stunned almost. There were no words but I wondered if she she thought I was mad at her and that's why I stopped calling. I told her I am okay and everything is going to be okay. I smiled. I asked for a hug and she allowed it. Then we parted ways. It was a beautiful series of moments. Without  romanticizing the whole thing I recognize there is a great amount of work still left to do. But I think this is a huge step; its clerared up in my head anyway a whole lot of ill preconcieved notions and I found the hope I need to do right by her. My one in a million little girl....


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## mommasita

Every time I read your posts I smile and tear up.. The love you have for your daughter just comes through so much..

I agree it is a huge step, and with any relationship, there is always work left to do.. Keep it up, you are an amazing father, and ANYONE would be lucky to have you as a Dad.. Giant hugs to you.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Can't sleep. On a mini vacation with my wife, ADD12 and DSD16. Wonderful Mother's Day getaway. Unusually sad tho internally. As Mother's Day approached I thought long and hard about how I would go about acknowledging my ex wife as each year I do since she has taken over the regular care of my daughter. As much as I admire her for the work she has put into keeping my daughter strong and safe I am frustrated by her reluctance and inconsistency in helping facilitate any kind of healing between my daughter and I and I can't bring myself to even a text for fear of emotional backlash or misinterpretation of my pure motives. I am so afraid of causing any kind of waves in their house which no matter good or bad I always seem to do. My daughter doesn't need to be around that.

I think a lot of my feelings have to do with the fact I never dealt with the pain of my divorce. Never made the time when i wanted to always focus on the positive. The grief of losing my daughter compounds as another reminder of a failure that under ideal circumstances I should be over by now. Just another way I feel I let my daughter down and how still not being able to communicate properly with my ex wife I keep on letting my daughter down. 

The only consolation is my mind  as stuck as it is wont give up and I continue to practice patience among all my imperfections


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## BMWTeamLeader

Very interesting weekend. I was on Facebook and I got a notification of "Friends I might Know" and it was my daughter (apparently we have mutual friends) ...I confess I took a peek out of curiosity...Nothing alarming. She looks well and seems to know herself well. I did not friend request her. As an adult I love facebook, but far too much can be misunderstood without actually talking to my friends on there too, I didn't feel too comfortable entering into such potential. Even though as much as I wanted to just let it go and peek in every once in a while, I felt that would put me in a catagory of unwanted lurkers I wanted no part of. I took a deep breath and let her mom know what was going on. She was appreciative and said she would talk to my daughter about her privacy settings. I explained too that she was welcome to friend request me if she wanted but it all had to be on her terms and even then I was wary of us seeing each others pages and not talking. I am skeptical that would happen anyway, and sad I will undoubtedly be cut off again, but if I can't join her honestly than I 'd rather keep on truckin...

DW and ADD12 and I off to Disney pretty soon...Plan to send DD a "wish you were here", Love Dad...postcard. Last time I was there it was her and I...good memories takes the edge off


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## BMWTeamLeader

Sitting here at the airport on the way home from Disney. We had a great time. We arrived last Saturday. Things were fine until we set foot in The Magic Kingdom on Wednesday. I was struck with twinges of sadness that escalated into a rushed day from ride to ride to combat which resulted in a productive but trying day for my wife and second daughter. DD loved Ariel, which is why I saved the Under the Sea ride for last, but this is the MK Ariel pops up everywhere. By the time I got back to the resort, I melted down and was able to let some of the grief go so as not to spoil the rest of the trip. Instead of a postcard I am going to print one of the Memory Maker photos of myself with my goofy hat on and caption it: "If there's one thing we agree on, it's that your father is goofy". I hope it goes over well.


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## mommasita

Giant hugs to you.. I hope it goes over well too


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## danny1649

You sound like a good guy ,  just never give up . Plus keep the positive attitude and things will work out.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Baby steps...another important step last week. It was parent teacher conferences. My daughters grades all A's no surprise. But I finally got up the courage to ask a question I've often felt silly to ask and that was if there was anything I could do to help my daughter in school without her knowing I'd like to know and most open to doing. Per usual I could not get through without choking up a lot. Hate that part. It's kinda embarrassing but it does help to let it out I guess. Her teachers were very supportive. Each teacher I talk to this is thevfirstvtime they have heard of the family dynamic. Her math teacher tho broke down the "I can't involved" wall and tenderly spoke to me about how my daughter is doing emotionally. The teacher acknowledged how much I seem to care about her and given the opportunity (if my daughter ever brings me up) this teacher promised to reinforce that. I am feeling grateful that while there is nothing concrete, most important I feel listened to by someone on "the other side". I guess if there is anything I am thankful for this year it is that.


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## mommasita

What a smart daughter you have!!!!!!!!!

Glad you see you still on the positive side.. Still give you supportive hugs


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## BMWTeamLeader

Its been quite a while since I posted. I am not sure I am posting for an audience, but this has been the best place to keep a history. Not much to share really. There has been no change in status with my daughter. Another Fathers Day not hearing anything...no surprise there; still hurts.Her 14th birthday is coming up next month. Going into high school in the fall. and I'm missing all of it. At home I have had a rough time with my teen and step-teen which leaves me very defeated and at times glad my daughter is with her mom cuz I am just not handling these years very well and at least with my wife there is a buffer at home whereas if it were just my daughter and I, I don't think it would have been too pretty her seeing me handle myself as I do. I am not sure what triggered all this sadness, but I'm in a space I thought I left behind then all of a sudden "boom". Been on a frustrating hunt for a therapist for the past couple  months. I had a really good one that I was making good progress with, but she left the practice, then a replacement I found picked up where she left off and then discovered didn't take my insurance. I guess maybe this has something to do with my mood as both therapists got me to go way down deep in my thoughts then has to leave me hanging with no closure per say. I still am a member of my parent support group - even have been recognized a keynote speaker for workshops and other recruitng efforts so that at least keeps my thoughts somewhat in motion for a purposeful cause. I love my job a lot and that keeps my mind occupied while providing for my family too....so conscious of not turning into a workaholic.....As I said I have no idea where I am going with this post....searching for the positive I guess....hate feeling like this....I want to Run away, but from my feelings not my family and unfortunately it doesn't work that way; just the opposite....One of these moments I guess where I've tried to stay strong so long I just need to let go.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Long Time between posts...can't sleep...havent been able to sleep through the night for quite a while. Found a therapist whose really good but digs really deep. Feelings that crop up are not too pleasant. In the end it will be good to get through, but right now it is just painful. Painful that I've let things sit for so long...that yes I've smiled a lot in my life, but I can't say I've ever felt TRUELY happy, that I've been sad as long as I can remember...and the way I've acted out over the years is the result of such unhappiness. I am not excusing my behavior in the least, but I am so overwhelmed with grief and guilt it makes too much sense how things have ended up the way they have. I don't believe I've ever really learned how to reach out for help...or reached out to the wrong people...not because they were bad but because it came across like I was asking them to fix me and what I'm going through no one can fix but me. When my divorce left me more broken than I ever thought possible, I had my daughter's smiles, her hugs, her cooing "I love you daddy", but as whats being explored in my therapy I depended way too much on that to "fix" me. Not fair to such a young child...or anybody. I was raised to believe I'd never amount to anything, that as my mother once said I'd be remembered for all the mistakes that I made; my father for enabling me for so long left me handicapped for the knowledge of what to do; to use my own mind...to not depend on so many people to tell me what to do or validate me enough so I feel good about myself, and now that I have all this knowledge of how much I've screwed things up..I still don't know what to do with it and I'm so frightened that everything I still have will eventually disappear while I fight through this. I don't expect an answer is going to come anytime soon, but in the past half hour as I write and the amount of tears of mine that have shed, I think I can shut my eyes now and get some sleep.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Daughter's holiday concert last night at school. Very well done. Glad to be there. Sad all I could do was cheer her on without having her know I was there. I was not invited this time by mom, but because her report card reflects she is taking chorus this year and I am diligent about keeping up with school events I put two and two together. Not out to prove anything. I just need to feel I can be proactive while still being distant.


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## moniqueand2

Hello BMWTeamLeader - what does your therapist say about making contact with daughter? It is great you show up to her events but why not go a bit further?


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## Poohlove

My parents split up when I was 12, several months before I turned 13. They had a turbulent marriage and I was forced to grow up a lot faster than any child should. I stayed with my mom for about a year and a half after the split but due to circumstances at our house I ended up leaving abruptly and moving in with my dad. Years of tension came to a head and my mother and I had a huge blowout fight that turned physical. A short time later the court ordered therapy for all involved, I went once and the therapist said that because I was the only one dealing with the divorce it was not necessary for me to go. My mom and I had a rocky few years and it took a lot of time and then talking to get us to where we are today. We are very close now so please know that there is hope. 

As a parent my heart goes out to you  but don't try to force a relationship. My mom was doing that and while I don't blame her I will say that for me it didn't help. I am not sure why she turned against you the way that she has so to try and comment on that, I can't but as hard as it is give her the space that she needs and in that space she will see that she misses you. Keep tabs on her well being and be strong. It may sound selfish but you need to take care of you and get yourself to a healthy place before bringing others in. It's a hard thing to do but it sounds like you have a good frame for which to build on.


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## adisneyaunt

OP: been reading along without posting ... until I read ur 12/9/16 post. All ur posts have been like I've been reading a private journal. I didn't want to "intrude"  but just wanted to follow Along...
have been hoping to see positive updates from you. 
I am Blessed to not directly relate to much of ur circumstances, i.e. divorce, 
Separation from a child etc., 
no agenda... just another person/spouse/parent. But I literally read and had to re-read that post. I couldn't Not say something.....
So, here are my hopes for you..

I hope that at some point your relationship with your daughter is fully Healed and thrives as it progresses thru adulthood for her. 
I hope that at some point you can Forgive Yourself!  You deserve that. 
I hope that you can Believe in yourself... we re all a work in progress. 

And lastly, I hope that 2017 is the Best Year Yet for you your relationships and all your loved ones.


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## BMWTeamLeader

moniqueand2 said:


> Hello BMWTeamLeader - what does your therapist say about making contact with daughter? It is great you show up to her events but why not go a bit further?[/
> 
> I haven't been with this therapist long enough to get her take on this exact topic. But I have been supported over the years to try and make contact. It's been very painful for both of us. Her mom and moms partner don't support us relating and my daughter probably feels caught in the middle. In the breif interchanges we have had over the years (my daughter and I) she has told me that directly and indirectly. She appears happier without me and I am still sensitive to that. I don't want to interfere with that. When she has sent me angry mail as I call it she has requested I not try to contact her and within reason I want to honor that as proof I can and do listen to what she wants. I send her four cards a year Easter, her birthday, Halloween and Christmas just to let her know I'm still around and I still care and I am in no way shape or form angry at her for how she feels.
> 
> Both our feelings are very strong. Hers very angry and mine very depressed - not a great combination. Very grown up feelings. Neither of us are ready. I am trying to be at peace with that.


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## BMWTeamLeader

You think you have it all together, then in an instant it all comes crashing down again...well maybe that's a tad bit melodramatic but it was certainly a night to remember or forget depending on how you look at it. Spring Parent Teacher Conference tonight for DD. I hit up two teachers I hadn't had a chance to meet in the fall. DD's Biology teacher was very sweet. Sang my daughter's praises, then asked me if she complained a lot about her to me. I had to explain my situation - Again - yet each time I explain I love it when I get some validation back. She noticed my daughter was, tho a great student and very artistic, she was also quiet like there was something going on in her mind...a weight perhaps on her shoulders...The teacher commended the work I did with her in her early years and saidthat I was really good to follow her schooling...I left feeling good. By the time I got to the Math teacher, that all changed. Around the bend catching me off guard (and I imagine them) was DD, her mom and spouse. It was awkward. Mom and me exchanged small talk. DD stayed away with the spouse deliberatly. It was agonizing but I wasnt about to have a repeat performance of her  school concert a few years ago. Therapy tomorrow nite (thank God)


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## BMWTeamLeader

Such good news...Events in my ex wife's life have made her realize a lot of wrong doing on her spouse's behalf in the way my relationship with my daughter has diminished over the years. I got a long e-mail explaining how better things will be going forward and have been offered a meeting of the three of us in the coming weeks. Day long awaited. Patience, Prayer and perseverence paid off. I don't feel all the blame anymore. Still in a bit of shock, but flowing with tears of joy right now. Gonna be late for work so I must keep this short...Me


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## BMWTeamLeader

I have never known what it's like to feel healed more than today. It's difficult to share because of the private nature of meeting today with my daughter and her mom but I keep coming back to the word Healed...there were apologies (we each took a turn) tears (happy ones) laughs and so much more. I've been invited to dinner after I get back from my vacation and a chance to hear my daughter play in the metal band she's involved in.

The challenges that remain are remembering the balancing act I still need to do with my daughter and my new family. Not horrifically hard but I am still very sensitive not to tip the involvement scale too far in one direction. I am sad there is still a lot of wounds left between my daughter and my new family and I am insistent to myself that I can't "fix" that nor should I try. I'm glad I have places to go (like here) when I get stuck.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Good news: went to my daughters band concert this afternoon. She's the lead singer in an alternative rock band. It was great. She's so talented. So proud of her. It was great being a part of her day rather than the distant observer. She introduced me to her band mates. "This is my dad". I stayed calm and composed but inside my heart was doing cartwheels and somersaults.


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## Sabeking

Just read all your posts and so thrilled to read the most recent! So happy for you and your daughter. There is nothing like the relationship we have with our children and you were very diligent and persevered even when you felt hopeless. Patience is so difficult for most people including myself but when you can see the lessons you have learned along the way it makes it worth it. I pray your family will continue to grow in trust and grace!


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## BMWTeamLeader

Last Saturday went over to see my daughter at her house...awesome...so awesome stayed for six hours (unintentionally) . We ate, played Yahtzee, and just talked. Next thing you know it was dark outside. I have an open invitation to come back and lots more clues to things we can do.


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## mommasita

I'm so glad for you ! Been following you from the start ! Big hugs


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## Oregongram

What a story. What an emotional roller coaster. I just finished reading the entire thread and have tears of joy. 
BMWTeamLeader, you are awesome. I hope 2018 brings you even closer to your daughter, your step-children, heck, your entire extended family.


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## paradesintherain

I just stumbled upon your story and it made me cry. I'm so glad to hear that things seem to be getting better. I hope since you last wrote things have improved even more!


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## Bellecruiser

Dear BMWTeamLeader,

I think you are amazing, and you should go back and read through your postings of the last 5 years...you will think you are amazing too.  Your humbleness and willingness to stick to your entire family have been an inspiration to me.  One step in front of the other!  You go guy!!!


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## BMWTeamLeader

paradesintherain said:


> I just stumbled upon your story and it made me cry. I'm so glad to hear that things seem to be getting better. I hope since you last wrote things have improved even more!



In October, we had our first visit by ourselves. I took her out to lunch. I just let her talk and every once in a while I'd interject. She has such a good head on her shoulders, goal oriented (sophmore in HS already talking about getting driver's license, then job, then college (already has choices), then moving out on her own). Best thing I loved was that she remembers a lot of the good times we had (even getting lost at Disney for a few minutes at 5 years old). In  November, for our day after Thanksgiving visit, DD invited my adopted daughter along for as close to a "family day" as we could at this time. DDA was adopted three years after DD and I seperated. In case you are just joining the conversation (I can't remember that far back if I mentioned) DDA is my second wife's youngest who was abandoned by her bio dad.  It was a happy reunion.  December I took her Christmas shopping for her mom, brought my parents to see her perform her holiday concert (NO MORE BACK ROW SEATS FOR ME , AND we spent the Friday before New Years opening presents and watching movies. Real presents...I was so excited...Because presents I sent early on in the separation got negative feedback, I opted just to give her mom extra money in child support to get stuff from "Santa"...then I would send a card around the actual holiday...I did what I had to do, but when I asked her mom for gift suggestions and I got a list to choose from...awesome...best thing, my daughter from her experience is very humble and it actually drove me nuts that there wasn't a lot of "fun" stuff on there...I'll give in to some of the practical stuff, but...come on .... I ended up getting her some art canvases and gift card to the local Arts and Craft store (living with two artists I know they can be very particular about their supplies) and I also had in mind some movie passes. My daughter is a horror movie fanatic..I am not...lol..so figure a couple of passes; she can bring a friend. (although she wants to go see The Incredibles 2 when it comes out with me b/c that's the first ever movie I ttook her to see in the theatre) Then..I found my fun gift...she wanted a big stuffed bear and they just happened to sell them where my wife worked so I bought it...boxed it up in a huge box, wrapped it...Ho Ho Ho. It wasan awesome days after Christmas celebration. She gave me a miniature stuffed Princess Leia and an Funko Empire Strikes Back T-shirt...Perfect...FUN STUFF! Although DDA wasn't with us she helped me cook the casserole I offered to bring over (last time DD mom cooked) We watched two movies Baby Boss (my pick) and Daddy Day Care (her pick - keep in mind we watched this movie ad nauseum when we were living together, but I didn't care; she was remembering good times). We have been friends on Facebook for a few months now (maybe since just before Halloween I want to say). I love being able to message her goodnight spurratically and have her write it back. I make it a point to empower her to help me pick out stuff to do on our visits because we are sooo different on the surface I want to make sure I'm not imposing my idea of fun versus hers....so in January...we going to play pool...LOL I don't play, but she says she hasn;t played in a while so I don't think I'll embarrass myself too much


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## BMWTeamLeader

Photo of her corner in our house all decked out for the holidays this past Christmas. Tigger is mine and Pooh is hers. First time in six years I spruced up the area. No longer mourning but celebrating


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## BMWTeamLeader

Sad today. A lot of feelings been bubbling over the past week which has really caused a lot of trouble at home. My wife surrounded by her four children daily and my daughter not in the same way for me - facing a lot of internal jealousy, resentment... like someone flipped a switch. Divorce was brought up... well separation. Our church and parent group have been beneficial in interventions to this option. I honestly don’t want to but the pain has been so intense I just want it to go away. But a huge disconnect has been established. I am glad my daughter is not around the drama. In some ways I am fighting battles that should have been fought many years ago and I’m just trying to let those feelings go. But the anger is just so real it’s frighting, accusatory and not justified towards the Family I love *sob*


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## BMWTeamLeader

Peace restored. Sort of. The most pertinent piece appropriate to this post is that this past week while blatantly difficult was an eye opener for my wife and I in both directions cumulating with her approaching me two nights ago and initiating a quiet calm  - tho at times differed in opinion - conversation. We more than touched base about how my daughter fit (or hasn’t) fit into the equation. We started to clear up misunderstandings and missing information. We discussed expectations going forward and where we saw things a year from now. While this one time does not heal everything, divorce is off the table. Great parent support group last night as my wife came with me after a long hiatus. Hope again slowly but surely.


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## moniqueand2

Glad to hear things are better. Sounds like you had to determine if the problems you and your wife are having are just a bad patch or insurmountable deal breakers.


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## BMWTeamLeader

moniqueand2 said:


> Glad to hear things are better. Sounds like you had to determine if the problems you and your wife are having are just a bad patch or insurmountable deal breakers.


Yes and much easier to do when it’s quiet and calm. Hard to accomplish with a full house and the unexpected (but grateful for) return of of DD to the foreground of our family palate. Step-parenting has been hard on both of us. Made harder by everything that has happened most being out of our control.


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## BMWTeamLeader

*HAPPY DANCE* Visits with my daughter continue to go well. Last month we braved a missed visit just because scheduling is a pain sometimes. But we made it through okay. Not the end of the world where there is still communicating via Facebook and the overall belief in our restored (tho different) relationship. But speaking of relationships, my happy news is DD took it upon herself to reach out to her half sister and youngest stepsister recently. Again one of those moments where as a parent encouranging young ones to grow I have be refined but on the inside my heart jumps up and down with glee. My ADD (her half sister - adopted daughter for those just joining us) has seen her once but then they went quiet and she was unsure how to proceed. My April visit with DD was going to see her in her school musical. DD really was nervous and you could read she wanted a cheering section in the audience. so I invited ADD to go with me and we went out to eat afterwards. It was so fun....two teens poking fun at their old man...lol...Lot of love in that restaurabt that night. The service was slow but we personally didn't care..more time spent with each other. 

My YSD (youngest stepdaughter) is becoming a teen mom in November and has relationship issues, male or female, family or not; but she always had a fondness for DD. My wife and I were united in our uncertainty how they would connect if they ever saw each other again so we just we just remained alert, encouraging, but letting things happen between them on their own. Long story short, YSD's social worker coincidently placed her in a residential home for teen mom's in the same town as DD and I found out this morning they set up a breakfast date!

It would take too long to explain the impact this fence mending/bridge building has on my family. The best way to describe is that the last tiime all seven of us were together and relatively happy together was almost eight years ago at our wedding......

There is still much work and I'm still very protective of my heart for a "complete" happy ending, but for now, I think I'll allow a few internal cartwheels and keep on believing.

DD also stands foe DISNEY DAD!


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## BMWTeamLeader

So many posts ago I lamented or was caught off guard by how to recognize my daughters mom for Mother’s Day. While our divorce was rough and when custody switched over things were more difficult yetcwith my new life full of drama and complications there was some merit to her stepping up until I figured things out. My daughter i believe found herself so much closer to her true self being with her mom it’s hard to think things worked out for the best. With a lot behind us and almost a year since we’ve interacted, my dsughter and I and sometimes with her mom I got to put together a proper mother’s day celebration.....kept simple and low key we (the three of us) went out to lunch of her choosing and we watched a DVD I gave as a gift. Resentment and anger I do not carry well. It felt good to do my part to show my appreciation with no strings attached ultimately modeling good behavior for the next generation.


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## BMWTeamLeader

Second Chances. They are rare and hard to come by. But first some background:

SD19, now 21 weeks pregnant, defiantly left her residential program about a week into her stay. Back to living on the streets in denial back with her abusive baby daddy, the family unanimously had to let her go in the most difficult act of tough love yet. Once she was out of resources, the baby daddy left her. With a great deal of thought and effort, my wife and I let her come home. Meanwhilw SD23 and her boyfriend still living with us as well made for a very full house. This is not a blog about their story per say, but the amount of chaos and tension has increased a lot if you can imagine. SD23 and I have a negative history together only compounded as it is with us living under the same roof. SD19 suffers PTSD from multiple sexual abuse encounters as a child. Our relationship is turbulent, but ultimately grounded in a good bonding situation when I first entered the picture. Now living in the shadow of her abusers and her flake of a bio dad, I get targeted pretty often - especially as I try to rein in the chaos to keep the home stable as possible.

So what does this have to do with second chances? Well, ADD15 has struggled not to get lost in all this drama, very reminiscent of how DD16 felt when she was living us all those many years ago. Somewhere along the line during these long few months I picked up on that, but because of the self-help I have given myself (including starting this blog), I knew how to counter the demons that tore DD16 and I apart in the first place. Its like I stopped dead in my tracks, stopped playing the victim in my own house, be the protector I have really never seen me as until now.

While I did not have this instinct prior, the one thing I am grateful for is I don't dwell in the regret because circumstances being what they are I have DD16 back in my life again

Not saying all is perfect. The past few days have been emotionally intensive as I have not only rocked the boat with my standing up for myself and the household as my wife ADD15 and I want to see it, but I've capsized it. Out of the blue it seems I can even communicate to my wife how awful I feel without making it seem like her fault. Her reaction back to her two older daughters were amazing and I must admit very difficult for her to do.

ADD15 and I have started bi-weekly outings together. I have to admit I have been lax about that as I wrestle with a lot. A few nights ago we had made plans after work. SD19 asked me to drive her somewhere. I refused on the basis that my night was about ADD15 and I wanted to give her my undivided attention (not the words I exactly used). While it resulted in a mess (and there's more to the story that's not pertinent here), ADD15 and I went out and we actually had a meaningful talk beyond the small talk. It was open and honest and not sugar coated in the least. I learned a lot from her and I felt so empowered.

Tonight ADD15 and I are going on spontaneous visit to see DD16.  DD16 got a new cat recently and we are gifting her a cat house we refurbished and has not gotten a lot of use from the household cat here. In my new frame of mind. It will be wonderful to have my two worlds together...Establish a foundation past and present...defying the distance of two separate houses. Even tho all my relationships back home may never be mended fully (there is always hope, but meshed in wth a touch of reality) I can hold on to a little good at a time, nurture that and pray it grows.


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## moniqueand2

I hope you had a good visit and that your DD enjoyed the cat house gift.


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## BMWTeamLeader

moniqueand2 said:


> I hope you had a good visit and that your DD enjoyed the cat house gift.



It was very nice. After we dropped off the cat house we went out eat, chatted about a lot of things deep and not so deep and actually closed the restaurant. I enjoyed seeing DD16 before we left on vacation and I get to see her the day after we come home too. Her mom and I have "business" to tend to (code speak for Child support handoff) so we are all meeting for breakfast before DD16 has her band practice (she's in a metal band in case I didn't mention before). Then the weekend after DD15 and SD19 and I are taking DD15 out for belated birthday. Summer visits have been quite frequent and I'm happy about that


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## BMWTeamLeader

Wow. its been almost 2 years since I last updates. Time has a way of getting away. For the most part things have been good. Regular vsits with DD17 (!) Budding relationship, getting less awkward...and then the pandemic hit and in all the chaos at home and in the world things went quiet. Not a spiteful thing, just there was less and less engagement. Visits of course had to stop and we messaged a lot over Facebook, but it was very difficult to lose the in person aspect. DD17 is a 2020 High school graduate and like many of her peers got all her plans squashed including her dream role in the high school musical. Her mom kept me mildly abreast of the goings on...her bouts with depression and social isolation oh yea and also navigating virtual school on the shirt tales of finishing up her high school career. I didn't know how to help her from afar. I did make the offer to use me as a sounding board. I did reinforce that if she needed anything she didn't have to shy away from asking. I admit my radar for these types of things is not up to snuff in general...the kids who still live with me can tell you that...add to the fact that I became guardian with my wife to our 18 month old grandson (child of SD21), my attention to detail has even been less. Without support groups that had been attending I got ensconced in my own depression....the guilt came back...the anger/resentment..the paranoia. MY little girl was no longer little...I have missed so much moving on with my life...choosing a new family that did not embrace her, love her as much as I did and too many times have taken me for granted.....Then to get the news recently I will not be able to attend DD17's graduation ceremony because of the secure nature of the alternative arrangements the high had to make in light of COVID 19 (drive up ceremony, 1 car per child, and my ex is high risk, and since I am not part of their quarantine household, me tagging along is not an option). I was able to attend the senior class car parade as a spectator yesterday. I stood there on the sidewalk....happy families to my right....happy families to my left....I felt alone...I felt selfish for feeling so alone because this whole thing is not about me, but that only made the angst worse....I missed my daughter...I am missing a huge milestone...granted its not a spiteful thing - its due to a virus no one could really predict or control, but the sadness is so overwhelming........I was fortunate that I unexpectedly did get to see her in person. It was very brief and a little awkward because I trying to keep a happy, positive front.....but its like I've been in denial of so much for so so long; being in this situation make it so real... so very upsettingly real.....


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## moniqueand2

Great to hear you were able to attend the car parade in some capacity. I am sure the emotions for you and your daughter are intense. Keep at the relationship and all you have on your plate. Glad to hear from you.


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## mommasita

It has been awhile, this has turned us all inside out, and upside down right?

I want to say I’m so sorry you could not be a part (in person) of That special day, but you did  get to be with her in some capacity,  as mentioned above. It is so difficult to be happy for small things,  but really we all do. This will not be a forever, this is a for Now. You have made such AMAZING strides, don’t deny yourself and your child this, and remember from where you were to where you are.


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