# i just need to vent



## LCoulter

My DMIL has been fighting cancer for several years now, going thru two full rounds of chemo....she's a tough cookie.  After the first, we thought she beat it, after the second, we were hopeful.  It started as colon cancer and she had part of her colon removed but it has now spread to her liver and pancreas so, even with chemo, she has months left.  She lives with us and is like a second mother to me.  DD9 has been growing up with her and it will break her heart.  DMIL has decided to at least start chemo this time around to lengthen her life but only if she can still have quality of life and I support her decision.

I am stressed because there is too much happening at once.  Before diagnosis three, DH pursued a dream job and I encouraged him to take it.  It starts in a little over a month.  He is now in an extremely stressful job that he hates and has been there for 16 years, to a much less stressful job that he will likely love but he will be traveling 50% of the time.  I on the other hand, have had a job I really like for six years now but a new woman started that has her sights on my job as a stepping stone to my bosses job and she is good friends with the VP:-(.  I thought I would retire from this job but now it's uncertain.  I am now over 50 so I figure it will be very difficult to find something else.  I know that compared to what DMIL is going thru, the job situation is nothing, but everything combined, I feel discouraged.


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## momof2cuties

Sorry about your MIL and the job.  My husband just died from colo-rectal cancer - he was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago.  It's a horrible battle - on the person and the caregivers.   The smallest things would make me feel overwhelmed.    

My suggestion would be to just try to get through the days at work.  Focus on family, and consider work just a paycheck for now.  I get what you are saying, but I think adding something else to stress about work will just be too much for you.  My husband was only on hospice for 4 days.  In March, he was doing well - his CEA was dropping and he was getting stronger after a reoccurence.  Palm Sunday we were out at Easter Egg hunts, doing things as a family.  One week later, his CEA was rising again and he was in a lot of pain.  In a couple of weeks, he went from being on the upswing to hospice.  I'm not trying to scare you, just want you to understand how quickly things can change.

Best wishes to your family.


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## LCoulter

momof2cuties said:


> Sorry about your MIL and the job.  My husband just died from colo-rectal cancer - he was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago.  It's a horrible battle - on the person and the caregivers.   The smallest things would make me feel overwhelmed.
> 
> My suggestion would be to just try to get through the days at work.  Focus on family, and consider work just a paycheck for now.  I get what you are saying, but I think adding something else to stress about work will just be too much for you.  My husband was only on hospice for 4 days.  In March, he was doing well - his CEA was dropping and he was getting stronger after a reoccurence.  Palm Sunday we were out at Easter Egg hunts, doing things as a family.  One week later, his CEA was rising again and he was in a lot of pain.  In a couple of weeks, he went from being on the upswing to hospice.  I'm not trying to scare you, just want you to understand how quickly things can change.
> 
> Best wishes to your family.



Sorry for your loss and thank you for responding.

I feel a bit better about the job at the moment after talking to my boss.  She isn't worried about this woman and said the VP and owner will get tired of her trying to control everything so she won't last. 

I will take your advise and think of it as a paycheck.

I am worried about how fast this could go.  She is doing pretty well at the moment....just really tired and bowel issues.  Her chemo starts back up on Monday though so we'll see how that goes.


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## mommasita

Giant hugs to you, you need them all around.. .Sorry about your MIL, I have been there, and it isn't easy on anyone.   What a wonderful DIL you are,  you will have this knowledge for the rest of your life.  The pain will subside, it will never go away, but you will always know you were by her side, you were there for her and your family.

I read your update, and am EXTREMELY glad for it.  Your boss sounds understanding.  People like this other women you talk about don't go over well,  management don't take well to this. They worry for their own jobs.

Try and take one day at a time, for you family, as well as MIL..  I know it sounds easy to say, but you really have to.  Try and live for her good days, and if possible journal this for your DD.   Please come here and share or whatever you like as often as you can.

I apologize, I am not on as often as I used to be.  I have personally been dealing with a lot. I will try to improve.


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## LCoulter

mommasita said:


> Giant hugs to you, you need them all around.. .Sorry about your MIL, I have been there, and it isn't easy on anyone.   What a wonderful DIL you are,  you will have this knowledge for the rest of your life.  The pain will subside, it will never go away, but you will always know you were by her side, you were there for her and your family.
> 
> I read your update, and am EXTREMELY glad for it.  Your boss sounds understanding.  People like this other women you talk about don't go over well,  management don't take well to this. They worry for their own jobs.
> 
> Try and take one day at a time, for you family, as well as MIL..  I know it sounds easy to say, but you really have to.  Try and live for her good days, and if possible journal this for your DD.   Please come here and share or whatever you like as often as you can.
> 
> I apologize, I am not on as often as I used to be.  I have personally been dealing with a lot. I will try to improve.



Thank you for the reply and no need to apologize.

I will keep your suggestions in mind.  We do spend a great deal of time with her since she lives with us.  DD is going to have a hard time not having her there, as will we.

Chemo starts Monday and will be weekly with a different assortment of drugs.  We are hoping she doesn't get too sick from them but from past experience it will vary....she had weeks where she handled them pretty well and other weeks where it made her feel horrible.  I feel so bad that she has to go thru this a third time and there is no hope this time.


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## robinb

{{hugs}}  I'm so sorry to hear about your DMIL.  Cancer sucks .


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## LCoulter

robinb said:


> {{hugs}}  I'm so sorry to hear about your DMIL.  Cancer sucks .



It does


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## mommasita

LCoulter said:


> It does




It really does suck.

Poor lady, a 3rd time.. There is just no fairness at all, for any of you     Thinking of your DD , and your entire family.

I pray for the day, as we all do, that Cancer is totally wiped of the map


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## LCoulter

mommasita said:


> It really does suck.
> 
> Poor lady, a 3rd time.. There is just no fairness at all, for any of you     Thinking of your DD , and your entire family.
> 
> I pray for the day, as we all do, that Cancer is totally wiped of the map



She's a tough cookie. Prior to the first, she had part of her colon removed and lymph nodes around it in 2013.
The first round was six treatments (every other week) and was part of a study with a new drug to see if cancer could be kicked in half the treatments and they thought they beat it.  The second time around was 12 treatments every three weeks and that ended just before Christmas 2015.

Now they discovered a large mass in her pelvis area and it has spread to liver and pancreas.

Her husband died of liver cancer 9 years ago and he went fast after he was diagnosis.  My husband was fortunate enough to take several weeks off to spend with him while he was still feeling good and they drove all over the state, visiting friends and family.


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## LCoulter

Yesterday DMIL went for her first infusion this time around and it went as well as could be expected.  She thinks they gave her an energy drug or something because this is the best she has felt in a while...lots of energy.  She ate dinner well last night and this morning she says she feels pretty good.  I'm not expecting this to last but she can enjoy it while it's here.


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## robinb

I'm glad she's feeling good today!


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## mommasita

I am so glad to read this! One day at a time..


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## LCoulter

We haven't told DD9 yet because DMIL didn't want to tell her yet but DD9 was asking DH about grandma and her treatments starting back up. Hopefully his answers will satisfy her for now until DMIL is ready for us to tell her.  I want to cry thinking about breaking the news to her.  DMIL moved in with us after her husband passed away but just before DD was born so she has been her daycare since she was a baby.


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## LCoulter

Our cat of 18 years, in the fall, started periodically staggering and falling over but would recover after a day or two.  We took her to vet and $500 later, they couldn't tell us anything.....hate this vet.  Friday night was the worst yet episode where she stated staggering but then at 2am, DH found her crying on floor and where she had relieved herself and could not stand or walk on her own. Poor kitty.

Took her to different vet on Saturday morning.  He thinks she had a stroke.  He said because of her age, he didn't want to suggest going all out and sending her to a specialist a few hours away but because she is in such good shape otherwise, he didn't want to just put her to sleep without giving her a chance.  She doesn't seem to be in pain.  Just confused about not being able to get up.

She spent 4 hours on IV meds that included cortizone and we took her home because we didn't want her alone over night.  It's now 2am Sunday morning, she seems comfortable but it's hard to see her like this. We are giving her water with eye dropper and will try feeding her in the morning.  She was able to relieve herself in litter box with our help and is now sleeping peacefully.  Monday she is scheduled for another IV but if she doesn't respond, we will put her to sleep.  It breaks my heart, poor kitty.  I am considering contacting vet to see if they can put her to sleep Sunday but again, she doesn't seem to be in pain so maybe wait until Monday.

We have talked this through with DD9.  She has cried but seems to be handling it pretty well. DD told her Daddy that Kess will be ok, even if we end up having to put her asleep.


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## robinb

Oh no!  Your poor kitty {{hugs}}.  You have quite enough on your plate without this too.  I have had to help a number of pets over the Rainbow Bridge and it is always an extremely hard decision.  I would ask your DD if she wants to be there when you put your kitty to sleep, or at the very least let her say 'goodbye' on her own.

ETA: this may sound strange, but you may also want to talk to you DD about how we deal with end of life in animals v/s humans. She's only 9 and sometimes kids that age can get mixed up on things.  Your DMIL is going through treatment and fighting her cancer but you don't want your DD to make a weird mental leap between what is best for your kitty and what's best for her grandmother.


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## LCoulter

robinb said:


> Oh no!  Your poor kitty {{hugs}}.  You have quite enough on your plate without this too.  I have had to help a number of pets over the Rainbow Bridge and it is always an extremely hard decision.  I would ask your DD if she wants to be there when you put your kitty to sleep, or at the very least let her say 'goodbye' on her own.
> 
> ETA: this may sound strange, but you may also want to talk to you DD about how we deal with end of life in animals v/s humans. She's only 9 and sometimes kids that age can get mixed up on things.  Your DMIL is going through treatment and fighting her cancer but you don't want your DD to make a weird mental leap between what is best for your kitty and what's best for her grandmother.



Thanks for the advise.  We already started talking to DD about it being different between animals and humans and will discuss it again once we tell her about her grandmother.

Kitty hasn't made any major progress over the weekend.  She is eating and drinking with our help.  And using litter box with help.  She can move her legs but can't stand on them. She still doesn't seem to be in pain and purrs and meows to let us know when she needs something.

She is back at Vet who is going to examine her and possibly do another IV with meds.  If that doesn't help, it will be time to let her go.


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## mommasita

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear about Kitty   Glad she doesn't seem to be in any pain..   It isn't easy that is for sure, rough choices to make.


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## LCoulter

Kitty has made some progress the last two days.  She is able to awkwardly get up and take a few step before tipping over.  If she has something to lean on, she can take a few more steps.  I have call into vet because she has not had bowel movement since Saturday, she is only able to pee daily.  I was hoping that once she started walking a bit, that would get things moving.

DMIL is doing pretty well considering.  She had a second treatment on Monday, and although she wasn’t doing well on Tuesday, she recovered by Wednesday morning and was able to go to grocery store with me last night.

A bit of good news, the new girl is gone…she found another job.  They are interviewing someone on Friday to take her place, someone who doesn’t have quite as much experience so hopefully she won’t be criticizing us about not doing our jobs to her liking.


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## LCoulter

DMIL has had a lousy week and today will be her third treatment.  We are hoping for some good days.

A bit of good news with kitty...she is walking, eating, drinking and using liter box on her own, although she still staggers.  She seems happy and will meow at us when she wants petting.


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## robinb

{{hugs}}  I hope your next update is good news/good news instead of good news/bad news.


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## LCoulter

Kitty is doing well.  She walks stiffly but is getting around and back to her normal routines.

I wish I could say the same for DMIL.  She had a few good days last week but is back to not doing well.  Still I know it's not as bad as what's to come.  She still manages to get around, including down the stairs but she sleeps a lot and looks awful at times.

We are planning a family gathering in a month but am worried that maybe that isn't soon enough.  We wanted to give everyone enough notice and we have things we need to get done around the house.  Also, DH is starting that new job in a few weeks and will be traveling those two weeks before the gathering.


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## mommasita

Sorry your mil isn't doing that well.  Lots of love and strength to you and the family

Good luck to Dh in his new job


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## LCoulter

DMIL has had a few really good days.  She looks better and is eating well so she is stronger.  I think it's because the chemo has worn off since it has been a few weeks since her last treatment.  She goes on Monday for a treatment but it isn't going to involve chemo.  They are giving her a drug and fluids but I'm not sure what the drug is for.

My SIL and family are coming to visit this weekend.  Hopefully it goes well.  That family just stresses us out because their lifestyle is so different from ours and they bring drama.  Hopefully they don't stress out DMIL too much, but they usually do.


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## LCoulter

DMIL has had a few good weeks which is great!  

The visit with her daughters family went well.  They stayed for two nights but we were glad when they were gone.  The drama was kept at a minimum.

Now I am trying to get the house ready for a big family gathering on July 10....25-30 people.  All DMIL's family. Her daughters family is coming again for 2-3 nights.  I usually do all the cooking for the family gatherings because I hate to delegate but the rest of the family insisted on helping out so I don't have as many dishes to make for this gathering which is good.

Kitty is doing well but now dog is sick again so I have to call vet.  The animals are killing me this year with vet bills.


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## LCoulter

Family Reunion went very well and DMIL felt good but exhausted.  She enjoyed seeing everyone and there were a few that came that she hasn't seen in many many years because they don't typically come to family parties.

I'm glad to have the gathering behind us since I just get too nervous entertaining.  Food was fantastic though...I do get compliments on that.  There is soooo much left over though so I am freezing portions of it and took the pasta salad to work to share.

DH's new job is going well but he is still in the training phase.  He is really excited about working for Microsoft.  His previous company was big but it's one that know one has ever heard of and it is ranked one of the top worst companies to work for.

Kitty is doing well.  I am so glad we didn't put her down just yet.  We probably won't have her much longer with her but she seems happy so it's good to still be able to cuddle with her.


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## mommasita

Glad things seem to be going well. How are you holding up in all of this


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## LCoulter

mommasita said:


> Glad things seem to be going well. How are you holding up in all of this



I'm doing ok...just worried about her.  DMIL has been feeling good for over a month now.  She is eating well but is just more tired than usual.  Since she stopped chemo, she is feeling better.  It's about quality of life now.  Her husband went in 7 months after it went to his liver.  I'm happy she is feeling good for the summer and hopefully it will be a nice fall for her too.


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## mommasita

I am glad you are doing ok.     I hope so as well. Continued good thoughts to you all.


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## LCoulter

DMIL is still feeling pretty good.  Mostly just tired all the time.  She got a bit of good news.....the spots on liver are smaller with her treatment which isn't chemo and she is handling fine.  However, the large tumor on her pelvis area is getting bigger.  Doc said the only treatment for that is radiation which he is not recommending since it is so harsh and she wants quality of life.

She is eating well and gets out to store with me once a week and very occasionally we can convince her to go to a restaurant.

She has been handling watching DD9 just fine on the weeks that DH is out of town.  DD at 9 is pretty self sufficient now and will help her grandmother out with whatever she needs.

School starts soon and the only problem at this point is when DH is out of town and DD getting on the bus in the morning.  DMIL used to be an early riser....5am or earlier but now she sleeps in much later so we need to decide what to do on weeks that DH is away.  I think I may adjust my work schedule so I can see DD off on the bus.  My boss has told me several times that they will work with me any way I need.  I think she may be worried about losing me to staying home with DMIL instead of working. 

We have another new girl at work who is much more pleasant than the last but she is not catching on.  This was her third week, she is older late 40ish with office experience, yet I can't get through to her what our job numbers and account numbers look like.  She struggles to tell the difference between packing lists and invoices.  The reason why we are trying to make it work is that the president has worked with her and highly recommended her.  We are afraid he won't believe us that she has some sort of issue since he and my boss don't see eye to eye.

Next week, I am writing detailed notes for her to see if that helps.  It's really weird writing detailed notes for a late fortyish woman.  We are desparate since we have been without someone in this position for 3 months. My boss and are falling behind on our own jobs trying to cover that position.


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## mommasita

How did back to school go?


That sounds exhausting with the new lady, but I'm a year in myself after taking 6 off and I know they had to have A LOT of patience with me. 


How is MIL?


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## LCoulter

The start of school went well but after summer vacation, it's a bit of an adjustment for DD.

I'm happy to say that DMIL is still feeling well, mostly just tired.  She naps in the morning and afternoon which is unlike her healthy self.  She goes for a non-chemo treatment every other week still but it doesn't make her really sick like chemo did.  She has lost all her hair though but at least she has felt good all summer.  Her hair loss has been a slow process so we hardly noticed but some insensitive idiot must have said something so she is suddenly self conscious about it.  She doesn't like the idea of a wig because they are uncomfortable to her so she picked out a couple of hats at the store in chemo center and I bought her a couple on Amazon that should arrive in a few days.  If nothing else, they will help keep her warm since she is always cold for the past few years because of the treatments and cancer.

She goes for another MRI next month.


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## mommasita

Poor thing.  Some people have no filter.   Hopefully the hats make her feel a little better and like you say keep her warm.   VERY glad she is feeling well!!!!!!!!  Thinking good thoughts for the MRI.
Keeping your entire family and DD in my thoughts


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## ajc

robinb said:


> Oh no!  Your poor kitty {{hugs}}.  You have quite enough on your plate without this too.  I have had to help a number of pets over the Rainbow Bridge and it is always an extremely hard decision.  I would ask your DD if she wants to be there when you put your kitty to sleep, or at the very least let her say 'goodbye' on her own.
> 
> ETA: this may sound strange, but you may also want to talk to you DD about how we deal with end of life in animals v/s humans. She's only 9 and sometimes kids that age can get mixed up on things.  Your DMIL is going through treatment and fighting her cancer but you don't want your DD to make a weird mental leap between what is best for your kitty and what's best for her grandmother.



As a small animal veterinarian, I recommend a book for the younger set titled "The Tenth Best Thing About Barney". It sometimes helps to plan a memorial garden with a hand made stone in memory of the pet.


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## LCoulter

We had to have our kitty put down on Saturday.  She had another stroke and just could not use her back legs anymore.  She also stopped eating and drinking so we knew it was time.  We miss her terribly.  DD is handling it better than I thought she would.  We are thankful that we had these last months with her.

DMIL started a new treatment last month and it was a rough start with it.  She takes the drug daily for three weeks, then had a week off.  She started back up on it a few days ago and it hit her even harder.  She could not keep anything down, not even a sip of water.  At 4am Saturday morning we called the ambulance.  She was severely dehydrated and potassium, salts, electrolytes were very low.  She was in hospital two nights and sees her doctor next week to discuss what to do next since this treatment is making her too sick to function.  She is back home and is still recovering.

It was a rough weekend.  Thanksgiving was quiet.


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## Joyce_Belle

I randomly stumbled upon this topic.. I'm so sorry about your kitty and your DMIL. It must be hard on you. Stay strong!


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## LCoulter

DMIL is just not getting her strength back since she was sick last month.  She has really aged a lot over the past month.  She is still getting around but she is very weak and the pain has started.  She had a good summer at least but I think this may be the downward spiral that we have been worrying about.  She is trying the chemo drugs again as of a few days ago and she is doing fine so far on it.  The doctor doesn't think it was the chemo drug that made her so sick last time....he thinks she got a stomach bug so that's why she is trying the drug again.

Her grand daughter (our niece) has been helping DMIL a lot over the past few weeks since DH and I are both working.


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## Suprize2017

I just found this thread. You've had a lot going on. I hope the jobs have continued to go well for DH and yourself. Did the new gal get things figured out finally? How is your DD doing now that it has to be obvious that her grandmother isn't doing well? I'm so sorry about your kitty. Its never easy to lose our pets. They are such a big part of our lives. How is your DMIL doing? It's been about six weeks since your last post, so I'm kind of afraid to ask. I lost my step-dad (he was my dad in my heart) to esophageal cancer 2.5 years ago. It's such a miserable disease and so hard to watch your loved one battle. How are you and DH doing? You've had a lot of stress, I hope you both have been able to lean on each other and find support in each other.


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## LCoulter

Suprize2017 said:


> I just found this thread. You've had a lot going on. I hope the jobs have continued to go well for DH and yourself. Did the new gal get things figured out finally? How is your DD doing now that it has to be obvious that her grandmother isn't doing well? I'm so sorry about your kitty. Its never easy to lose our pets. They are such a big part of our lives. How is your DMIL doing? It's been about six weeks since your last post, so I'm kind of afraid to ask. I lost my step-dad (he was my dad in my heart) to esophageal cancer 2.5 years ago. It's such a miserable disease and so hard to watch your loved one battle. How are you and DH doing? You've had a lot of stress, I hope you both have been able to lean on each other and find support in each other.



Thanks for asking.  This week DMIL is on a two week period off the chemo and is feeling pretty good which she hasn't felt that good in months.  The chemo is being used to prolong life.  She is still getting around which is good.  Her tumor has doubled in size.  We are in the process of setting up a downstairs bedroom and bought a twin adjustable bed for DMIL to use in the smaller bedroom that won't take her king bed.

Our 18 year old cat that had the stroke passed away a few months ago....miss her terribly.  She stopped eating and drinking so it was time to put her asleep.  This past weekend, we found out that our 17 year old cat has kidney failure so we are treating that with fluids.

DH is having a tough time adjusting to traveling most of the time...as are we.  The woman at work is doing better but she is sooooo slow so she will never have all the tasks from the job....all the things that she doesn't have time for have been divided up between our boss, me and the receptionist.  She is also very inaccurate.  She is a very fast typist....just not accurate at it.  Luckily my boss seems to have a photographic memory for vendor invoices so she seems to catch a lot of mistakes when she is paying bills.  Any procedure changes have to be repeated about 12 times before they start to sink in which is frustrating.  She is pleasant person though.


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## LCoulter

DD9 is handling things pretty well.  She hasn't been told outright yet that Grandma is dying but she is smart and I think she knows.  She has been trying to spend time reading to Grandma.


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## LCoulter

We knew the end was approaching but we didn't expect it to end so suddenly.  Last week DMIL was eating well, still getting around ok, then on Saturday afternoon she was having trouble breathing.  She didn't want to call doctor or go to hospital.  We convinced her to let us call the doctor and they told us to call 911 and have them take her to emergency.  She didn't want to go by ambulance but when DH and her adult granddaughter were trying to get her to car, she lost consciousness so we called 911.  She came too after a few minutes and ambulance took her to hospital.  The oxygen made her look better so we thought she would be ok yet.  

She went downhill rapidly during the night and passed away Sunday at noon.

DFIL lingered for about 4 weeks with hospice care.  I guess it's good that she didn't linger and suffer.

We will miss her terribly.


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## perditax

LCoulter said:


> We knew the end was approaching but we didn't expect it to end so suddenly.  Last week DMIL was eating well, still getting around ok, then on Saturday afternoon she was having trouble breathing.  She didn't want to call doctor or go to hospital.  We convinced her to let us call the doctor and they told us to call 911 and have them take her to emergency.  She didn't want to go by ambulance but when DH and her adult granddaughter were trying to get her to car, she lost consciousness so we called 911.  She came too after a few minutes and ambulance took her to hospital.  The oxygen made her look better so we thought she would be ok yet.
> 
> She went downhill rapidly during the night and passed away Sunday at noon.
> 
> DFIL lingered for about 4 weeks with hospice care.  I guess it's good that she didn't linger and suffer.
> 
> We will miss her terribly.



I'm very sorry for your loss.

I've had a "year of hell" like this myself, including a family member with cancer, and a kitty passing away from the same kind of cancer (not kidding). sometimes it seems like life does try to pile everything on you at once just to see how much you can stand. Hang in there. The blue sky will appear again.


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## Suprize2017

I never know what to say in these situations except I'm sorry for your loss. It hurts. Cancer sucks. Even though you knew this day was coming, you can never truly be ready. Your family has been in my prayers since I found this thread. I think your story just hit a little close to home for me. Take care of each other and enjoy the memories you have of her!


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## elaine amj

So very very sorry to hear of your loss


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## Haimia

*You have my sympathies!!  Glad you had time with her before she died.*


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## LCoulter

Now my father has been diagnosed with colon and lung cancer.  He is much further along then DMIL was and has been having difficulties breathing for months.  My mother is still in pretty good shape.  My father doesn't know if he wants to go through chemo.

My parents live about 45 minutes from us.  We are planning a visit this weekend and meeting my brother's family at their house.

Our adult male cat has been roaming the house howling looking for DMIL because he was very attached to her.  He has recently bonded with DD10 so I am happy for him.  He has started sleeping with her.  Dog also seems sad and will have a big adjustment when DD10 returns to school and we are at work all day.

On the positive, our two new kittens have filled the void of losing our old female cat.  There names are Beauty and the Beast.  Beast was the runt of the litter and is still quite a bit smaller than his sister Beauty.  They are great fun and very affectionate when they aren't playing and getting into trouble.


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## adisneyaunt

Just stumbled upon the thread and your latest post 
My sincerest condolences on your recent loss...and more. 
Your strength in all of this is inspiring. Heartfelt best wishes to your dad...
I'm so sorry..


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## LCoulter

My parents finally asked the question they were dreading to ask.  They are giving my father months or a year at most.  He did try chemo a couple of times but he immediately gets terrible chest pains so bad that he thought he was having a heart attack.  His heart is fine after testing.  After talking to doctors further about chemo and radiation, he's just not sure if he wants to chance being sick for his last months.  He seems to be doing fairly well still....at least he doesn't appear to be any worse.  The oxygen helps which he only uses a few times a day.  Because of bad knees, he can't walk but can still scoot himself along in a wheel chair.  He sleeps a lot which is understandable.

We have been visiting them every week or two and call almost daily. 

This just really sucks.  I miss DMIL terribly but we are adjusting to a new normal.  I miss vacationing with my parents but am thankful we have the memories of the trips.


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## robinb

I am so sorry {{hugs}}.  You've had a very difficult 18 months.


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## LCoulter

It’s been a rough couple of months.  My father has had two emergency surgeries within weeks of each other that were caused by the cancer….I don’t want to go into details but we almost lost him.  It’s been a month and he sleeps a lot.  Unfortunately there’s a lot of pain….I wish the doctors would do more about that.  Some of the pain meds just don’t work for him but they just don’t listen to my parents.  My mother isn’t afraid to speak up and complain about the pain meds…the doctor acts like he’s going to prescribe something else but when she gets the script, it’s the same old stuff that doesn’t work. 

I have been visiting most weekends, bringing some food to give my mother a break from cooking.

Last week we lost our other old cat…he was 17 or 18 years old and has been struggling through kidney failure for about 6 months.  Although I was closer to our other cat that we lost last year, this cat was very attached to DMIL so I thought of him as her cat which made it harder to lose him.

DH has been working at home all summer so he can watch DD10.  We have after school care for her lined up for when she goes back to school.  She misses having her grandmother there.

On the positive side, the kittens, Beauty and Beast, are doing well and have been a lot of fun.  Beast, who was the runt of the litter, has surpassed Beauty in size.  His paws are huge compared to her paws which makes me wonder just how big he’s going to get.


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## Oregongram

This evening I read your story - every post. I applaud your strength, love and compassion. 
I'm sorry your wonderful MIL passed, you lost 2 beloved cats and DF is failing. Life can be such a challenge. 
Most people dread having a relative live with them but your life was enriched by having MIL live with you.


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## LCoulter

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted.

It’s been 9 months since my father was told he had 1 month to 12 months to live.  He is not doing chemo after trying it twice (two different drugs) and ending up in the hospital with heart rhythm problems that scared him.   The pain from the surgeries are gone but his knees are hurting very bad and he can no longer walk at all.  He is on a lot of pain meds so I’m not really sure if he has any other pain from the cancer.  My mother said she noticed one side of his abdomen is larger than the other so it is getting worse.

He won’t/can’t go to doctor so it is a challenge to get pain meds every month because they require doctor visit to get refills but up until this point, have been making an exception but that is getting increasingly more difficult.   Even if someone manages to get him out to a car, he said there is no way he could stay awake long enough to deal with a waiting room.  He sleeps a lot but is eating well and is able to sit up and have a conversation. 

My mother finally called Hospice last week and a nurse will be coming once a week.  They gave him the pain meds he needs and other equipment that he needs which was a relief for my mother.  For the past two weeks she has been in pain with sciatica so it was a relief to find out that they can come and help her each day with him if she needs it.  Thankfully she is doing a bit better.  I have been doing her grocery shopping for her.  I wish I lived a bit closer….I’m 45 minutes away so I just go over on the weekend.

He was in good spirits over the weekend for his birthday.  My brother’s family visited him on Saturday and my DD11 and I visited on Sunday.  Brought him his favorite dessert which he has been craving and gave him a painting I did of a sea turtle that he has been admiring.  I am so glad I gave him the painting….he said it was the best birthday gift ever!

Understandably, my mother is having a hard time accepting what is happening and she doesn’t like that Hospice brings up death a lot but they are trying to prepare her a bit.  I told her that it could happen suddenly as it did with DMIL.  The doctors wouldn’t believe DH when he told them that his mother was still walking up and down the staircase (We were in the process of setting up a bedroom downstairs for her but she didn’t want to give up her larger bedroom upstairs.) even on the day that she collapsed.  She was eating well all week and making trips up and down stairs multiple times a day on her own.  After her collapse, I assumed that was the beginning of the end and assumed she would be home and it would be time for Hospice but she passed away the next day in the hospital.

I’m thinking we are going to lose him sometime this year and am trying to prepare myself but I’m not sure what to do for my mother to help her prepare.  Maybe Hospice will be able to help her a bit with that.


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## Suprize2017

I hate that you're going through this. I lost my dad to cancer. He had gone through chemo and was in remission for almost a year when we learned it was back and had metastasized in his lungs. The doctor's said it was terminal, but he could go through chemo again to give him more time. He elected to enjoy the time he had left as the chemo had almost killed him a couple times (at least it seemed that way to us!). I know you were only sharing and not asking for advise, I don't know that there is any advice to give anyway. I'm glad your mom has gotten hospice involved. It really does make a huge difference for the primary caretaker. I hope your mom will call them any time she has questions or concerns. That's what they are there for. The hospice care my dad had also provided counseling and groups for the family; the children, grandchildren, and spouse. You are also able to talk to hospice if you are worried about your mom. I would bet she will form a relationship with his hospice workers and they can encourage her to get additional emotional support. My dad seemed to do well for 10 of the 11 months after his diagnosis (he had also been given about a year). The last month just steadily got worse. Hospice provided a hospital bed that was set up in my parents living room because he was no longer able to sit up. The additional care hospice provided allowed my dad to stay at home. He passed away with the entire family - my mom, all of his kids, and all of his grandchildren at his side. It was terribly sad, and the hardest thing I've been through, yet it was perfect (hopefully you can understand what I mean by that). My heart goes out to you. Cancer is an evil disease that affects so many more than just the patient!


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## Krista G

*Hugs* I am so sorry you are going through all this! 2017 was a horrible year for our family as well. Death is never easy and even less so when it’s one after another! I stumbled on your thread & wanted to let you know that your story helped me feel like I wasn’t alone & I am so grateful you shared your journey. 

My story briefed-
My mom passed away suddenly when I was a teen. The death certificate states natural causes at the age of 34. Last year, 15 yrs from my mothers passing, all of my siblings passed away. My sis 2 yrs younger passed away Memorial Day (5/29) at the age of 30 from liver failure. 13 days later (6/11) my sis 6 yrs younger murdered my 2 yr old nephew, her son, & then took her own life making KY headlines for the worst reason. I will never forget driving home from Wendy’s & getting that call. My DH was in as much shock as I. Neither of us believed it, or wanted to. Then the journalists started ton call & IM’d us on social media. Then after promising to take care of herself & talking daily, on 11/14 my sis 8 yrs younger got back on drugs, got a bad batch, and left me as the only living offspring of our deceased mother. 

TBH 2017 is a year I would gladly forget. And it doesn’t help the anxiety that I’ll be turning 34 this yr.


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## LCoulter

Krista G said:


> *Hugs* I am so sorry you are going through all this! 2017 was a horrible year for our family as well. Death is never easy and even less so when it’s one after another! I stumbled on your thread & wanted to let you know that your story helped me feel like I wasn’t alone & I am so grateful you shared your journey.
> 
> My story briefed-
> My mom passed away suddenly when I was a teen. The death certificate states natural causes at the age of 34. Last year, 15 yrs from my mothers passing, all of my siblings passed away. My sis 2 yrs younger passed away Memorial Day (5/29) at the age of 30 from liver failure. 13 days later (6/11) my sis 6 yrs younger murdered my 2 yr old nephew, her son, & then took her own life making KY headlines for the worst reason. I will never forget driving home from Wendy’s & getting that call. My DH was in as much shock as I. Neither of us believed it, or wanted to. Then the journalists started ton call & IM’d us on social media. Then after promising to take care of herself & talking daily, on 11/14 my sis 8 yrs younger got back on drugs, got a bad batch, and left me as the only living offspring of our deceased mother.
> 
> TBH 2017 is a year I would gladly forget. And it doesn’t help the anxiety that I’ll be turning 34 this yr.



I am so sorry for your losses and at such a young age. Hugs to you too.


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## LCoulter

Suprize2017 said:


> I hate that you're going through this. I lost my dad to cancer. He had gone through chemo and was in remission for almost a year when we learned it was back and had metastasized in his lungs. The doctor's said it was terminal, but he could go through chemo again to give him more time. He elected to enjoy the time he had left as the chemo had almost killed him a couple times (at least it seemed that way to us!). I know you were only sharing and not asking for advise, I don't know that there is any advice to give anyway. I'm glad your mom has gotten hospice involved. It really does make a huge difference for the primary caretaker. I hope your mom will call them any time she has questions or concerns. That's what they are there for. The hospice care my dad had also provided counseling and groups for the family; the children, grandchildren, and spouse. You are also able to talk to hospice if you are worried about your mom. I would bet she will form a relationship with his hospice workers and they can encourage her to get additional emotional support. My dad seemed to do well for 10 of the 11 months after his diagnosis (he had also been given about a year). The last month just steadily got worse. Hospice provided a hospital bed that was set up in my parents living room because he was no longer able to sit up. The additional care hospice provided allowed my dad to stay at home. He passed away with the entire family - my mom, all of his kids, and all of his grandchildren at his side. It was terribly sad, and the hardest thing I've been through, yet it was perfect (hopefully you can understand what I mean by that). My heart goes out to you. Cancer is an evil disease that affects so many more than just the patient!



Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss.


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## mommasita

That’s a lot for you and your family. I wish I had the words, but there really aren’t any. I wish you strength, and send love.

I do hope hospice can help your Mum mentally try to prepare. Will she be able to stay on her own (do you think)?

Gently hugs


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## limitdis

I'm really sorry to hear that.  Fasting is supposed to make chemo more effective and safe.
Also, green juicing, high vitamin C, and turmeric are really good.  And sulforaphane (from broccoli sprouts) are supposed be extreme anti-cancer.


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## LCoulter

It’s so hard seeing Dad like this.  The hospice nurse is telling us he will pass tonight or tomorrow.  I am sitting with him now so Mom can try to get some sleep.  I hate seeing him suffer.  They seem to have him on enough pain meds now where he is asleep. 

Just two weeks ago he was alert, sitting up on his own and talking to us.  He was eating well last week and then suddenly it all changed.  We knew it was going to change but we still weren’t prepared.


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## Suprize2017

LCoulter said:


> It’s so hard seeing Dad like this.  The hospice nurse is telling us he will pass tonight or tomorrow.  I am sitting with him now so Mom can try to get some sleep.  I hate seeing him suffer.  They seem to have him on enough pain meds now where he is asleep.
> 
> Just two weeks ago he was alert, sitting up on his own and talking to us.  He was eating well last week and then suddenly it all changed.  We knew it was going to change but we still weren’t prepared.



I am so sorry for what you are going through. Nothing I can say will make it any easier. You're going to feel the shock of his passing for a while. You're going to be unbelievably sad that he's gone. And you'll probably feel angry that he got sick in the first place. Those are the three primary emotions I went through when my dad died of cancer 4 years ago. We knew his cancer had come back, and was terminal. He lived for 11 months after that diagnosis. We felt we were preparing that entire time, yet when the end came, we weren't ready. It seemed too fast. The end took us all by surprise. The loss was still devastating. I don't think there is any way to truly prepare yourself.

I'm not going to go back and read all the posts in this thread, so if you already said this, I apologize for forgetting. I just hope you and your mom can support each other and have others to lean on. The first week is full of family and friends sharing their condolences and taking care of all of his stuff (legal things, funeral stuff, etc). It's after that part dies down that the hard part starts. 

Even though I don't know you, you will be in my thoughts. Your story hits so close to home for me.


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## LCoulter

He passed away peacefully Friday morning.  Hospice kept him comfortable the last few days.  I am relieved that he is not in pain anymore.  Mom is doing better than expected.  I am staying tonight but she thinks I should head home tomorrow afternoon so I can be home tomorrow with DD for mother’s Day.


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## robinb

LCoulter said:


> He passed away peacefully Friday morning.  Hospice kept him comfortable the last few days.  I am relieved that he is not in pain anymore.  Mom is doing better than expected.  I am staying tonight but she thinks I should head home tomorrow afternoon so I can be home tomorrow with DD for mother’s Day.


{{Hugs}}. I am so sorry for your loss.


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