# Please...help me to understand Alzheimer's



## shadowryter

HelloSome of you may know me as a DISigner here on the DIS. I design because I love to add a little magic to peoples trips and celebrations. I design to keep my sanity. I am an adult daughter of a father who has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers, though Ive noticed the gradual changes in him over the last 10 years. For almost a year he has refused to take his meds for his condition or he would say he did and toss them out. I know hes in denial, who wouldnt be. He is argumentative, mean and just plain hateful at times. And then the switch is flipped and he is just fine. He steels money from his joint bank account for his lottery tickets, gets lost when driving and by the way blows straight through stops signs.

He and my mom argue every day, her reminding him to take his meds and confronting him about lie after lie. The little things that were so easy for him are now a major production. He leaves every light on in the house, water running, doors unlocked. He lost his wallet one day and we spent hours searching for it just for my husband to find it in the refrigerator. He had a doctors appointment which he insisted on going to on his own and ended out 3 towns over.

Yesterday my mom asked him to trim a couple of branches from the shrubs in the front of the house; a two minute job. He returned 45 minutes later and when I looked outside I saw that he had hacked a good section of the shrubs to the ground. No going back there. 
I made him a special lemon cake for his 79th birthday and after the fiasco with his lack of topiary skills he was so mean and hateful to me and my mother that she served the cake without him but only after he told her he didnt want it in very colorful language. My mom cries a lot.

Im told that this will only get worse and Im not sure how to deal with it. I have a lot of things on my mind. I worry about him. I love himhes my dad but I dont like him much at the moment. I worry about my mother because she is not well. She has heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid, not to mention osteoporosis and macular degeneration. She depends on a walker and is almost blind in her left eye. I basically take care of her, her meds and insulin. 

My family and I moved in with them when the company my husband and I worked for closed their doors. My husband and dad butt heads constantly. My dad is mean to him, to me and our grown daughter. My husband wants to move out but places are hard to find and though I want to do this, I have such a fear in my gut that tells me my mom will not last once Im out of the house. Im afraid if we go and something happens to her I will blame my father, myself and possibly my husband for pushing this move. Also since we pay rent and half of all utilities theres a good chance they would loose the house with not enough income, especially the way my dad loves to spend money that they dont have. I dont know what to do anymore. I know Im not alone. Id appreciate any words of advice and wisdom. Thanks so much for reading this.


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## Pea-n-Me

I'm sorry to hear your family is having such a difficult time.  We had something similar happen in my family as well. 

I actually spent an hour yesterday writing a post and then lost the whole thing.  

I don't have time today but will leave you this to get you started. 

I found these articles by googling Alzheimer's aggression. There were lots more that you will hopefully find helpful. 

You need to get some help with this, it's no way to live. Good luck. 

http://alzheimers.aplaceformom.com/articles/alzheimers-aggression/

http://www.helpguide.org/elder/alzheimers_behavior_problems.htm


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## MinnieFan

I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Alzheimer's is a monster. Until people have known someone afflicted with this awful disease, they commonly think that it involves only forgetfulness, but it is so much more than that.

My husband's mother, now 93, has Alzheimer's Disease in addition to some other very serious health problems. She lived with us for 18 years, up until 6 months ago when she was placed in a nursing home. She has had ALZ for about the last 8 years and is entering the last stage of the disease. She can no longer walk, feed herself or do anything at all for herself. She requires 24/7 care, and due to some circumstances in our own family it was just impossible for us to handle her care any more.

Your dad's symptoms, from getting lost to forgetting about his meds to the personality changes, are all classic symptoms of ALZ. I would recommend an excellent article that helped us to understand what was happening with MIL - I do not know if I can post the link, but if you Google "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, you will find the article. I can also recommend a book called "The 36 Hour Day." Both of these were invaluable resources to us when we were caring for MIL. If you, your husband and your mom can read these items, you will all come away with a greater understanding of what you are dealing with and some positive ideas about how to deal with your dad's problems.

You should also Google the local Alzheimer's Association chapter where you live. They have a 24/7 hotline that you may call with questions, or if you just need someone to talk to about the situation.

Your dad should not be driving. In addition to being a danger to himself, he could injure or kill an innocent person. It is very important that you get the car keys away from him. He will be angry about this, no doubt, but he can no longer reason and cannot make decisions about life or death issues. I know of families who have actually mechanically disabled their loved one's car to be sure that they would not drive. His medications should also be managed, since he cannot remember if he has taken them and this symptom will not get better. If he has other conditions, such as high blood pressure or heart disease, it is important that his medications be given as prescribed.

Your dad is not really in denial. One of the symptoms of ALZ is called "anosognosia," which is basically the false belief that everything is fine. The patient truly has no understanding of what is happening to him and basically thinks that everyone else is wrong. 

Is your dad being treated by a neurologist, a geriatric psychiatrist or a geriatrician who specializes in ALZ? Sometimes internists/general practitioners are not as well versed as specialists in the medications that can really help these patients. You or your mom should speak to your dad's doctor about some of the symptoms he is experiencing, such as aggression. ALZ patients sometimes can become violent, so his aggression should be managed so that he is not a danger to your mom. Sometimes something as small as a very low dose of an antidepressant can help with these symptoms. If you or your mom do not have proper HIPPA authorization to speak with the doctor, the doctor cannot disclose information about your father's condition. However, the doctor can listen to you. You can make a list of the symptoms that you are observing and either call the doctor or fax the list to the doctor before your dad's next appointment. We did this with MIL's doctor, and it was very helpful as he knew how her symptoms were progressing before each visit. 

You are right to be concerned about your mother. She already has health problems and caring for your dad is extremely stressful for her. The ALZ association can also provide you with information about programs such as adult day care that may provide some help and relief to your mother.

I hope that some of the information suggested will be helpful to you. I know that this is a very difficult road for all of you.


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## hops&dreams

MinnieFan said:


> I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Alzheimer's is a monster. Until people have known someone afflicted with this awful disease, they commonly think that it involves only forgetfulness, but it is so much more than that.
> 
> My husband's mother, now 93, has Alzheimer's Disease in addition to some other very serious health problems. She lived with us for 18 years, up until 6 months ago when she was placed in a nursing home. She has had ALZ for about the last 8 years and is entering the last stage of the disease. She can no longer walk, feed herself or do anything at all for herself. She requires 24/7 care, and due to some circumstances in our own family it was just impossible for us to handle her care any more.Your dad's symptoms, from getting lost to forgetting about his meds to the personality changes, are all classic symptoms of ALZ. I would recommend an excellent article that helped us to understand what was happening with MIL - I do not know if I can post the link, but if you Google "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, you will find the article. I can also recommend a book called "The 36 Hour Day." Both of these were invaluable resources to us when we were caring for MIL. If you, your husband and your mom can read these items, you will all come away with a greater understanding of what you are dealing with and some positive ideas about how to deal with your dad's problems.
> 
> You should also Google the local Alzheimer's Association chapter where you live. They have a 24/7 hotline that you may call with questions, or if you just need someone to talk to about the situation.
> 
> Your dad should not be driving. In addition to being a danger to himself, he could injure or kill an innocent person. It is very important that you get the car keys away from him. He will be angry about this, no doubt, but he can no longer reason and cannot make decisions about life or death issues. I know of families who have actually mechanically disabled their loved one's car to be sure that they would not drive. His medications should also be managed, since he cannot remember if he has taken them and this symptom will not get better. If he has other conditions, such as high blood pressure or heart disease, it is important that his medications be given as prescribed.
> 
> Your dad is not really in denial. One of the symptoms of ALZ is called "anosognosia," which is basically the false belief that everything is fine. The patient truly has no understanding of what is happening to him and basically thinks that everyone else is wrong.
> 
> Is your dad being treated by a neurologist, a geriatric psychiatrist or a geriatrician who specializes in ALZ? Sometimes internists/general practitioners are not as well versed as specialists in the medications that can really help these patients. You or your mom should speak to your dad's doctor about some of the symptoms he is experiencing, such as aggression. ALZ patients sometimes can become violent, so his aggression should be managed so that he is not a danger to your mom. Sometimes something as small as a very low dose of an antidepressant can help with these symptoms. If you or your mom do not have proper HIPPA authorization to speak with the doctor, the doctor cannot disclose information about your father's condition. However, the doctor can listen to you. You can make a list of the symptoms that you are observing and either call the doctor or fax the list to the doctor before your dad's next appointment. We did this with MIL's doctor, and it was very helpful as he knew how her symptoms were progressing before each visit.
> 
> You are right to be concerned about your mother. She already has health problems and caring for your dad is extremely stressful for her. The ALZ association can also provide you with information about programs such as adult day care that may provide some help and relief to your mother.
> 
> I hope that some of the information suggested will be helpful to you. I know that this is a very difficult road for all of you.



I think that this PP has given some wonderful advice.  I, OP, am in a similar boat... my dad was kinda diagnosed in Feb.  He refuses to go in for diagnostic imaging, so his diagnosis is not complete yet.  (I think I finally convinced him this last weekend, and his paranoia and aggression are now mostly under control, I think thanks to Aricept.)

Does he have a diagnosis of ALZ?  If not, please get him to a GP so that you may get a referral to a neurologist.  Then your dad may be prescribed meds to help his condition, such as Aricept or an antidepressant (previously mentioned) that will help his day to day functioning.  ALZ patients are rock stars at pretending nothing is wrong, and/or trying to cover for themselves.  

I also see my parents bickering a lot.  They are young (my dad is only 62) and these were supposed to be their golden years, retired and travelling.  I think my mom is bitter, not only about my dad and how much she has to look after him, but also about her own health – already had 2 strokes.  Aside from your father’s issues, your mom already has a lot to deal with about her own health… ask her about her feelings, not only about your dad, but about her future as well.  I’m sure that losing her mobility and a great deal of her sight is scary.  She’s facing a lot of unknowns, and then that is exacerbated by extreme nature of your father’s condition.  If your dad can go back to basic daily functioning, it might help ease some stress off of your mom, and the rest of your family, for that matter.  

Your DH – understandably, it would be hard to be in his situation, and he is understandably frustrated by it.  I’m sure it hurts him to see you under so much stress, and to be “held hostage” by the situation.  While on one hand, it’s great that you and your parents are both helping each other out by splitting the bills, try to have boundaries, so that your DH may have his own space that’s free of the happenings in the house.  Make sure he can feel relaxed and comfortable in a place he can call his own, even if it’s just a recliner in the bedroom where he can shut the door and do whatever he enjoys.  I know I always feel worn out just having to be “on” for my dad (checking that everything is done properly after he does it, etc… actually, it’s very similar to when my DD was just beginning to do things for herself).  After a few days, I need a break, whether it’s just a solo trip to the grocery, or a soak in the tub with a good book.  

As for driving, did you know that if an ALZ pt is behind the wheel and they get in an accident, the insurance company can deny the claim, saying that the driver was knowingly impaired?  Just a little food for thought on that front… 

I think in your situation, I would sit down with both of my parents and talk to them about what is going on.  I would voice my concerns and have specific incidents that I have noticed.  Urge them to seek help from Drs.  Contact your local ALZ Assn. chapter.  (ALZ.org)  My local chapter has been a WEALTH of information, and a pillar of support for me.  They provided me with a lot of information through pamphlets, what to expect, things I need to take care of (getting finances in place, Power of attorneys, sheltering assets, what benefits my dad might be eligible for and how to apply for them, etc.).   

Most of all, try to keep your patience with your dad.  This is not something that he chose for himself.  Understand that it is the disease.  ALZ is cruel… a torturous cruelty to the loved ones of those who have it.  I hope against all hope that a cure is found.  So many suffer from this disease… those diagnosed and caregivers alike.  
  Keep us posted.  I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best.


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## shadowryter

Thanks so much for your replys. I know Im not alone in this situation but sometimes it just feels like that. My dad did see his GP who ran a few cognitive tests which he failed miserably. He suggested that he see a neurologist but of course this has not happened yet. He prescribed Aricept but it took more than 6 months before he finally agreed to take it and this didnt happen easily even after we found his missing wallet in the fridge or when he got lost a few towns over. He came out one morning and couldnt figure out why he couldnt zip up his pants. Well they were on backwards and most recently completely inside out. It was such a silly thing but we just smiled and helped him get reorganized.

He has been on Aricept for 67 days and counting. We have this and the rest of his medications in a pill taker and a log that is checked off every time he takes his meds. 9 out of 10 he takes them late. Sometimes as much as several hours but at least hes taking them. I should also mention that he has to take his pills one at a time every hour or two. He will not mix themperiod. 

Another concern of mine and my moms is his eating habits. He eats so little during the day but tanks up on junk in the evening. You would think that would at least balance his weight but in the last six months or so he has lost 30 plus pounds. He looks so fragile and we worry that something else might be wrong but he wont go for any kind of diagnostic tests and belittles those of us that do. Also he has turned into a hoarder. We try to keep in hidden but I shudder every time the cable guy comes because he has to crawl over the junk in the basement to check the wiring. If I want to toss something out I have to hurry up and hide it before trash day or hell rummage and Ill find it in the basement. My parents bedroom is a disaster: you cant even walk through the door without piles of VHS tapes falling over. This is particularly difficult for my mom who gets around with a walker.

My parents argue every day, usually over his meds but mostly when he looses something, and he tells her, its all HER fault. No matter what he misplaced. Then a few hours later its as if nothing happened at all. My husband is another situation. Hes a great guy but my dad and him have never seen eye to eye. We should have moved out years ago but now I worry that it will never happen. DH works almost 60 hours a week7 days a week. I only see him a few hours a day and bit longer on the weekends. He cant really relax because dad is always in his face about something. DH is the kind of guy that works hard and when he has some quiet time hed like it to be quiet. No chance of that happening. But he reminds me from time to time that hed rather be at work than at the house. Its not his home, just a place where he lives. He doesnt believe that dad is ill, just a bully. So frustrating. (in the past yearsyesdad has always been a bully. When me met my mom until today. That part of him has never changed.)

My mom told me that she wants to make out their will and that shes leaving me the house and everything in it. If worse comes to worse she wants to give me power of attorney over her affairs but dad would be another question. It is his house and no one is taking over. Hes fought me every step of the way when I replaced the old stove, refrigerator, central air conditioner and wall to wall carpeting. Their taking over, he would chant over and over again and this has been it the last ten years. No satisfying him at all.

It was quiet the past few days. Dad was remembering to take his meds, not too much arguing but then yesterday is decided to put air in the tires of the lawn tractor. Around 9 pm last night we felt an explosion that literally rocked the house on its foundation. After a search of nearly 45 minutes we discovered that one of the tires completely blew apart. Turns out he put 35 lbs of air in a tire that held only 14! I think he thought he was filling the tires on the car. Im only glad that this didnt happen while he was filling it.

Thank you for all the information you have sent my way. Ive bookmarked the sites and am going to check into my home town to see what info/help can be found. Ill keep you all updated. It was just so good to hear from you. Thanks again.


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## LindaBabe

Besides getting your dad to a neurologist or whatever they're called, you need to consult an elder care lawyer - you may be able to petition the court to become his guardian.  Your mother needs to make a will NOW.  

In my view there is little point diagnostic tests to find out if he has some other illness going on - you know he has alzheimers - even if he does have something else going on he won't take the meds for it.  Do they have long term care insurance?   

My mother in law was in the same situation.  We ultimately had to put her in a nursing home locked unit.  She had become a danger to herself and others.


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## kacaju

I am so sorry to hear. I am going through similar stuff with my Mom..in fact I came here to post an update...right now my mom is in a mental health hospital...things will be changing once she comes out. You are not alone.


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## Deesknee

I am so sorry you are going through this.  DFIL is in a nursing home. It just about killed DMIL. They were best friends. Unfortunately because he still "owns" his home DMIL has to send a huge check to the nursing home every month. It is very expensive for 24 hr. care.  As previously mentioned, information on the matter should be sought by a lawyer.  You won't want the house to be lost because of long term care medical bills. 

As far as your DH, is there someone who could stay with your folks and you and your DH have date nights.  Even if it is just out for a cup of tea, or a walk even. My Mom lived with us for years. She was healthy at the time, but it was difficult for DH at times.  I just always tried to remind him I love him. In my case I would pick one thing that he ignored that my mom did and I would use that as an example.  Sometimes he would be like all macho and say yeah, well next time...  But many years later he admitted me noticing he was "the bigger person" gave him strength to do it the next time too.  

((hugs)) to  you all.


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## shadowryter

Hi everybody...I just wanted to stop by so you don't think that I have dropped off the face of the earth. Dad's had his ups and downs the past couple of weeks. He seems so good one moment and you think..."Yeah...the pills are working," only to slide backwards again. He went to see his GP with my mom and she and him had all kinds of questions. I swear if it were me I'd wring this guys neck. My mom said he sat there with a vague expression only nodding, and making comments like..."Could be...I don't know...that's possible."????? Even when my mom asked about him seeing a neurologists, he agreed but didn't bother to set anything up. And my mom and dad always go to each others appointments so it's not a privacy issue. So I will help her with this and see what can be done on our own. It's so frustrating when your own doctor is so indifferent. 
We are in the process of getting things in order. Wills, power of attorney and things like that. Both of my parents are on a fixed income and they own their house. Have for many years now. DH is also up and down but I see him sometimes watching my dad especially when he forgets something and wonders around the house literally in circles. At one point he thought it was all an "act" but now he knows that there is something more serious involved. I'll let you know how things turn out. Thanks for being here.


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## bushdianee

I went through ALZ with both my father & maternal grandmother. My grandmother had lived 1000 miles away from us so we didn't see the signs. I went to visit her and within literally 30 minutes of my arriving she had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital where they found 3 broken vertabrae. apparently she had fallen earlier and didn't tell anyone. We ended making plans to move her to our home which luckily she agreed to. She was diagnoses about 2 months later. I lived with my parents at the time and we managed to care for her for over a year  before having to put her in a nursing home. She was very mean to my mom (her daughter) but treated my dad like he was a king.  Luckily she didn't want to drive since she didn't kow our city. she died in April and at her funeral my Dad was acting strangly. He kept falling asleep and when spoke at the funeral made a very bizarre speech. 

After we returned home from the funeral (the only way my Grandmother agreed to move was if we agreed to take her back to be buried next to my grandfather) my dad began forgetting things like whre he got the oil changed, where the bank was etc. He was all set up to be tested but cancelled it. Several months later he finally had the testing and was diagnosed. We had the family docter tell him he couldn't drive anymore. He didn't like it but accepted it. We got rid of the car as my mom never learned to drive.  He had always been a heavy smoker and it was a miracle her never started a fire. We took over his cigarettes and weaned him off. He also had health problems and we managed to keep him home as long as possible. One of my sisters is a nurse and between her and we managed for a while. He died at the age of 65 in a nursing home 8 years ago

My grandmother got very mean but my dad got more loving as time went on. He told us he loved us more times in about a year than he ever had. Both of them made coments that were sexually inappropriate which is apparently a side effect of of some of the meds. My sister is a geriatric psych nurse so she was used to it but I sure wasn't!

to the OP make sure that your mom and you take care of yourselves. My Mom ended up in the hospital with congestive heart failure a few months after my grandmother died and again with sudden cardiac death a few months sfter my Dad died. She survived both but it took its toll on her. I have been her caretaker for about the past 5 years. She is now in a nursing home on hospice care.


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## wisbucky

I am in no way an expert in this field.  I have just dealt with many of these issues you have.  

My mother in law had many of the same issues after having been diagnosed with Parkinsons 15 years early. She eventually developed dementia.  She was getting very snippy, not taking her meds, calling 911 for odd things, calling at 4am to lifeline to ask the time or to ask to call us.   She would leave the stove on; take pills in triplicate and some days not at all.  Eventually she had to go to a nursing home.     My mother in law had saved a lot of money and had many investments.     

My grandfather had Alzheimers.   He was doing things that would make your hair stand straight up.   He also had a farm with lots of land.   

The family on both issues had to do what was the best for the person and placed them into a nursing home.  My mother in laws money was totally ate up.  My grandfathers farm was sold and the money all went to the nursing home as well.   It is unfortunate but a person's well-being has to be looked at first. 

No one wants to put a loved one in a nursing home. But hearing your side of things it sounds like everyone is suffering trying to deal with the disease.    

It is also very hard to explain this to people when money is involved.  They only look at the money side of things instead of what is the best route for the person. 

One thing that I would highly recommend is to attend a meeting on dealing with Alzheimers.   I did. I learned so much on the illness and how to deal it with head on and personally.   There are things you will understand better.   If you contact your local aging and disability center they can direct you to a meeting.   If others in your family wont go with you I still highly recommend you go yourself.  After I attended the meeting I saw things so clearly and felt much better about the future.  You will be at a better place mentally if you go.


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## Shelly F - Ohio

Oh Honey, please contact your local AZ group in your area they have all sorts of meetings that will help you cope with this moster of a disease. 

If your dad does not need a referral to a neorologist look for one in the phone book and make an appt. Or ask the AZ group for help in located one that that deals with AZ patients.  

I know its hard for you so contact your local AZ group.


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## Dizisfun

shadowryter said:


> Hi everybody...I just wanted to stop by so you don't think that I have dropped off the face of the earth. Dad's had his ups and downs the past couple of weeks. He seems so good one moment and you think..."Yeah...the pills are working," only to slide backwards again. He went to see his GP with my mom and she and him had all kinds of questions. I swear if it were me I'd wring this guys neck. My mom said he sat there with a vague expression only nodding, and making comments like..."Could be...I don't know...that's possible."????? Even when my mom asked about him seeing a neurologists, he agreed but didn't bother to set anything up. And my mom and dad always go to each others appointments so it's not a privacy issue. So I will help her with this and see what can be done on our own. It's so frustrating when your own doctor is so indifferent.
> We are in the process of getting things in order. Wills, power of attorney and things like that. Both of my parents are on a fixed income and they own their house. Have for many years now. DH is also up and down but I see him sometimes watching my dad especially when he forgets something and wonders around the house literally in circles. At one point he thought it was all an "act" but now he knows that there is something more serious involved. I'll let you know how things turn out. Thanks for being here.



I don't know alot about Alzheimer's but it seems to me that the first thing I would do is convince your mother to find a new GP. I know that Alzheimer's is an awful thing. Wishing you and  your family the best.


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## Woth2982

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I have spent the last 21 years living with Alzheimer's. I can honestly say I HATE Alzheimer's. My grandmother was diagnosed at 62, and has been in a nursing home since 2004. Her last time recognizing anyone was in 2003. I will never forget the day I walked into her house to visit and she threatened to call the cops because she didn't know me. Unfortunately this disease WILL get worse. I pray when I hear people are diagnosed they pass away naturally before they get into what I have been calling the "zombie" stage of the disease. 

This disease literally eats me from the inside. I however decided a year ago that I can't CHANGE the diagnosis, and I know there is no hope for my Grandma, but there are THINGS I can DO! God gave me two legs, a voice and an incredibly stubborn personality. I have used this to raise money for the Alzheimer's Association. I run races for them whenever I can and in the last year have raised $3000+ and more importantly awareness about this disease. Whenever i feel angry I just go for a run and clear my head. Everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's because God knew I would do something and someone else may not.

Reach out to your local branch of the Alzheimer's Association. THey are a great resource and they know EXACTLY what you are going through. Like someone said, you don't understand until you have been through it.


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## Tink575

wisbucky said:
			
		

> I am in no way an expert in this field. I have just dealt with many of these issues you have.
> 
> My mother in law had many of the same issues after having been diagnosed with Parkinsonâs 15 years early. She eventually developed dementia. She was getting very snippy, not taking her meds, calling 911 for odd things, calling at 4am to lifeline to ask the time or to ask to call us. She would leave the stove on; take pills in triplicate and some days not at all. Eventually she had to go to a nursing home. My mother in law had saved a lot of money and had many investments.
> 
> My grandfather had Alzheimerâs. He was doing things that would make your hair stand straight up. He also had a farm with lots of land.
> 
> The family on both issues had to do what was the best for the person and placed them into a nursing home. My mother in laws money was totally ate up. My grandfatherâs farm was sold and the money all went to the nursing home as well. It is unfortunate but a person's well-being has to be looked at first.
> 
> No one wants to put a loved one in a nursing home. But hearing your side of things it sounds like everyone is suffering trying to deal with the disease.
> 
> It is also very hard to explain this to people when money is involved. They only look at the money side of things instead of what is the best route for the person.
> 
> One thing that I would highly recommend is to attend a meeting on dealing with Alzheimerâs. I did. I learned so much on the illness and how to deal it with head on and personally. There are things you will understand better. If you contact your local aging and disability center they can direct you to a meeting. If others in your family wont go with you I still highly recommend you go yourself. After I attended the meeting I saw things so clearly and felt much better about the future. You will be at a better place mentally if you go.






_Posted  from  DISboards.com  App  for  Android_


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## shadowryter

Hi all, it's been a while since I posted. As you can imagine it isn't easy living with a parent with Alzheimer's. To make matters worse my mom fell off the dining room chair on November 4th and fractured her hip. She's doing great. Has had surgery and has been in rehab and will hopefully be home in a couple of more weeks. Now I'm dealing with him first hand and it isn't easy which brings me to the present.
Tonight he grabbed his car keys and left. No word or mention just out the door. Two hours passed and he still wasn't home. He can't drive well during the day, night time is impossible. I thought maybe he went to see my mother in rehab but when I called her that wasn't it and now she was worried. After another half an hour she begged me to call the police so I did. An hour later there was a knock at the door and there was dad and an officer. The cop asked to talk to him and that's when his license was surrendered. Right now he is not a happy camper. He's been yelling alot but has since calmed down. I have his license and the keys and he won't be getting them back. Let's see what the morning will bring.


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## SleepyDeb

I am very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it will not get better, only worse. I suggest you prepare for the time when he will need to go to a nursing home. Speak to an elder care attorney and start looking at homes. It will reach a point where you cannot care for him at home, perhaps it has already reached that point . Some people continue to try, and then accidents happen. My FIL fell, hit his head, and died.  Other people have set the house on fire. Some people get violent  It is a terrible, terrible disease and all you can do is keep him and you safe. He's not going to get better, no matter what medicine he's on. Medicines can slow the disease, make person more stable for a while, but nothing has been discovered yet that reverses or stops it. It is a fatal disease. And when he is in a home you will be able to visit everyday if you choose to see that he is being well cared for. He will be more comfortable because life will be more stable and predictable.

I wish I could give you uplifting news.  All I can do is offer a >hug<.


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## shadowryter

SleepyDeb said:


> I am very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it will not get better, only worse. I suggest you prepare for the time when he will need to go to a nursing home. Speak to an elder care attorney and start looking at homes. It will reach a point where you cannot care for him at home, perhaps it has already reached that point . Some people continue to try, and then accidents happen. My FIL fell, hit his head, and died. Other people have set the house on fire. Some people get violent It is a terrible, terrible disease and all you can do is keep him and you safe. He's not going to get better, no matter what medicine he's on. Medicines can slow the disease, make person more stable for a while, but nothing has been discovered yet that reverses or stops it. It is a fatal disease. And when he is in a home you will be able to visit everyday if you choose to see that he is being well cared for. He will be more comfortable because life will be more stable and predictable.
> 
> I wish I could give you uplifting news. All I can do is offer a >hug<.


Thanks for the hug. Yes it is worse. It went from "I'm just hurt that they took my license away. I'll have to get over it." to...."You took my license away. You could have stoppped it. Your not my daughter anymore. You're dead to me!" I know it's his illness though he was always a mean man when I was growing up. I left home when I was 17...no college...straight to work. We were estranged for 10 years. I only came back because my younger brother was dying and my mom needed my help. Two open heart surgeries saved him for awhile until too many blood transfusions and the onset of Aids ended his 29 years in '87. I met my future husband the year before while home and my brothers death seemed to soften my dad but today I don't know that man. Even after being brought home by the police he still wandered off yesterday and was brought home by the police again. I went out to move his car yesterday and saw that the tires were flat. Well they did't get that way by themself. Now he's ranting because he says he has a buyer for the car and believes that he can sell it and keep the money regardless that the bank still owns the title for the loan. I can't convince him otherwise and I'm tired of trying. 
My mom is in rehab due to a fractured hip 3 1/2 weeks ago. He was mad at her because she insisted that I get the police involved so I called 911. He yelled at her that he didn't love her and never did. Again just words but my parents have had a rough history regardless of their nearly 60 year marriage. Honestly, I don't know how she ever put up with the guy. She even left him for about 2 years but came back when he begged her to. These words stung but she still said, "It's ok...I love you anyway." Now the story is completely twisted, how she broke his heart. He doesn't even remember what he said to her...oh..but he remembers what he said to me. Oh well, I'll keep you posted.


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## SleepyDeb

Remember, you cannot reason with an AZL patient. Their brain is broken. You can spend all day trying to explain it to him an you will just have wasted your day. You need support from the AZL Association and others. There is assistance out there. Since your doctor is not being very helpful, you need to find it on your own. 

I'm not there, and I'm not a geriatric professional (although my daughter is) but from what I'm hearing, you cannot take care of him yourself. He's too sick. He wanders off, he is non-compliant with meds, he's combative.  You wouldn't try to take care of someone with cancer home alone. You need help. 

What area of the country are you in?


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## shadowryter

SleepyDeb said:


> Remember, you cannot reason with an AZL patient. Their brain is broken. You can spend all day trying to explain it to him an you will just have wasted your day. You need support from the AZL Association and others. There is assistance out there. Since your doctor is not being very helpful, you need to find it on your own.
> 
> I'm not there, and I'm not a geriatric professional (although my daughter is) but from what I'm hearing, you cannot take care of him yourself. He's too sick. He wanders off, he is non-compliant with meds, he's combative. You wouldn't try to take care of someone with cancer home alone. You need help.
> 
> What area of the country are you in?


I live in Massachusetts...things have gotten so much worse. He was fine last night...talked to my mom on the phone and said how much he missed her and loved her. This morning he screamed at her...said he hated her and me and wished us both dead. He took th eplates off his car and hide them and took the battery out of our land line phone...but I can still use speaker phone. My daughter says she fears for my life....should I be worried???What can I do? My mom called his doctor and he will call me later today. But he has gone down hill so fast. I'm beginning to feel a little scared. I woke up and stared at the ceiling this morning with tears in my eyes. I got up, made a pot of coffee and then went to my bedroom and cried my eyes out. I don't know why...stress I guess. Luckily my DH works nights and was there for me. I'm lost at this point.


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## SleepyDeb

Yes, that is what happens with ALZ. They have moments of lucidity, which lulls you info a false sense that things are getting better. Those moments will come less frequently as the disease progresses. 

I wish I could tell you things will get better. They won't. This is why no one person can do it on their own.


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## Caseheidi

My MIL also has ALZHEIMER'S, and we ended up placing her in a care facility. She just became too much for us to handle, and it just progressed so fast. It is sounding to me like your family may need to consider this option. 
A teacher at the ALZHEIMER'S Society put it best for us when he related this illness to a dance. The "Dance of Dementia" he called it. The patient is the only one who knows the steps, and we as loved ones and care givers can only try to keep up. Remember, by placing a loved one in a care facility, you are just keeping up with the dance steps.
 Does your Mom have Power of Attorney? If not, you need to take steps to get it. With all you have shared, your Dad is not able to make decisions now and is a danger to himself and others. I would really encourage you to tour some facilities and check out this option. 
Also look into Medicade. There are many rules and protections in place so that your Mom can still have her home if your father needs Medicade to pay for his care. Mostly you need to prepare for this eventually.
Mostly now, you need to take you time, and couple time. Being a care giver is exhausting, demanding work. Look into place who offer assistance. Someone to stay with Dad whole you get a break. You are not alone. Sounds like most of us are either there with you or have been in the past. Turn to your support network as much as you need to.


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## SleepyDeb

Shadow, I sent you a PM.


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## shadowryter

Last night my dad took off again. He said he was moving out and going to find an apartment. Our neighbors happened to be outside at the time so he decided to stop there first. He rambled on about how I am stealing his money and I had his license taken away so my husband could have his car. I ran after him and asked him to come in as it was getting cold out. He wouldn't listen to me and took off down the street calling me all kinds of horrible names. I told our neighbor that dad has Alz. Wouldn't you know his mom does too so he understood. My dad turned back and shouted in front of everyone that he was going to take all his pills and kill himself. My husband managed to get him into the house and I had to call 911 again. The officers called an ambulance to take him to the hospital for evaluation especially since they found a screwdriver hidden under his pillow. For that instant I didn't feel safe in my own home.
He is still in the hospital and this morning he told everyone there how he flattened the tires of his car and took off the plates an hid them. He also took the battery out of the land line so I couldn't call the police. I have my cell so it doesn't matter. His psychiatrist told me medically he was fine but that he could not come home. He's being moved to a psych ward and will undergo tests. I am so saddened by this but had no other choice. I slept last night for the first time in days.


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## SleepyDeb

Yes, you did have to. I'm glad you will start to get the help you need.


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## robinb

I read your apology thread and saw this one today.  I can't offer any advise, but I can offer your lots of {{hugs}}.  You need to do what's best for your father and the rest of your family.  It sounds like the psych ward is the first step.


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## kacaju

I am so sorry to read about everything you have been through lately.


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## Caseheidi

Sorry that things have escalated to this point, but I am happy for you that you have the help and support you need right now. I wish I could tell you that everything will be better now, but I would be lying. This situation often results in your best choice being the hardest one to make. Stay strong, and get some rest in this well deserved break you have. I hope you find a good resolution soon and that your Mom is well on the road to recovery. Your Dad's illness is nasty, and we just have to remember that he is just not on control, and sometimes we need the help of professionals.


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## Woth2982

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard disease. Remember to be patient. This disease transforms its victims. My grandmother was very docile all her life, but when she would get an infection she would wander and get combative. Thankfully I never had to witness that. As hard as it was, once she was put in the "lock down" unit at the Alzheimer's care center things got better. She was able to have round the clock help, and because they are literally locked in, we didn't have to worry about her wandering. **Hugs** if there is anything I can do let me know!


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## QuiltTeddy

My mother had alzheimers for a number of years. It is hardest on the family members.  The caregiver gets the brunt of the hate.  My mother was just horrible to my father.  She would kick him for no reason, hide from him and just be verbally abusive.  After two years he finally reached the end of his rope.  He commented that he felt like he was "sitting in the house waiting to die".  He could not even go out to the mailbox without having to suffer the abuse when he came back in the house.  The most difficult thing was the fact that he would not allow my mother to drive.  Forbidding and preventing driving takes away their independence and thus creates even more anger.  

My mother ended up having to be put in an assisted living, locked unit, for her own safety.  She was there for almost two years.  As the disease progressed she had to be moved to a full on nursing home where she lasted only 2 months. 

Alzheimers is a dreadful disease that not only robs the person suffering of all dignity, but robs the family members of what should be "the golden years".  

It has been a year since my mother passed and although they say "it gets easier", I don't see that happening.  Know that you need to have a lot of patience and, yes, you will continually repeat things.  Know that merely answering with a short answer is the best thing to do.  As soon as you give your response, it will be forgotten, so it's not necessary to be elaborate with your response.  Know that it is better to merely keep answering the same thing over and over because that will create less anger.  Know that the drugs won't stop the disease, but merely delay the inevitable.  Know that although you will find yourself becoming frustrated, it is even more frustrating to the person suffering with Alzheimers.  They know their brain isn't functioning properly, but they have no control over it and are probably more frustrated than you are. 

Most importantly, cherish every day because one day you won't have your loved one.  Sending hugs across the miles and also know, you are not alone!


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## shadowryter

Hi all....the last time I posted my dad was taken to the hospital to be evaluated. He was there for a about a week and then was transferred to a locked down facility for dementia patients. Another battery of tests were run, more to check the physical than the mental. They were supposed to keep him there for about 2 to 3 weeks but then it was decided that his Alz was more advanced than once thought. Since he did not have a Health Care Proxy I had to seek Guardianship which was difficult because it was the time of year when things slow down where DH works and money is a bit scarce. The hospital did pay for the lawyer to handle this. From there they helped me to find a place where dad would be spending the rests of his days. 

The nursing home is lovely with wonderful people who care deeply for their patients. In the meantime, I am taking care of my mom who is coming along quite nicely after breaking her hip. She came home on December 21st, a few days before my dad was transferred to the nursing home. We had a nice Christmas but we missed him terribly.

Since I am my mothers sole caregiver I have not seen my dad since December 5th. We do however talk to him on the phone. He asks how "all" the kids are doing? There are only 2 of us, me and my brother. A couple of weeks ago he didn't remember who I was though he remembers my mom.

About 2 weeks I go I received a call from the nursing home in the middle of the night. They said when they went to change his bedding his nurse found blood soaked sheets and he was rushed to the hospital. They ran tests but the one he needed was a colonoscopy and the prep caused injury to his heart so the procedure was stopped. The bleeding also stopped but he needed two transfusions. 

He is now back at the nursing home and doing well as can be expected. I had a lengthy discussion with his doctor which advised me to place a DNR on his chart. That the chances of survival should his heart stop was next to none. I discussed this with my mom. This is the hardest decision I may ever have to make. I've cried a lot over the past few days and especially today. I can't believe how fast he is declining. How do you set forth something like this? How do you not feel guilty?

I'm sorry this was so long but I felt those of you who have been with me with your advice and well wishes deserved to know what was going on. Thank you for your support.
Linda


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## mommasita

to you and your family.. That must be incredibly hard.

My father in law has been recently diagnosed, and although we all thought it would be such a diagnosis, it is a little shocking..

Thinking and praying for you.


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## Deesknee

I am sorry you have to go through this.  I wish I had a magic wand to make the guilt & pain disappear.  I lost my Dad just over 1 mnth ago. Just days before he drove his car to my home and sat with me, had lunch, even a couple of laughs. He entered the hospital, with urinary issues, but ended up getting pneumonia ..again. he went to ICU within a day or so of being in the hosp. That is when the doctors had the same conversation with us.  The only warning I will give anyone is to make the doctors be specific as to what they are referring to with a DNR.  With my Dad it was breathing issues. They put him on a BIPAP machine, then wanted us to sign a DNR so if he couldn't breath when they took him off they wouldn't put him back on it. We said yes. Well, when he came off it, he was sitting up, eating, laughing having a great conversations within 10minutes.  So, we had to decide if we/he would want to be put back on the BIPAP again.  We had them adjust the DNR to be more specific.  He could go on BIPAP, but not int-abated, or feeding tube. no cpr if his heart stops.  Then after a couple more times on the BIPAP Dad expressed his discontent with being on the BIPAP machine. (he actually snapped the hose when my brother told him his breathing wasn't going to get better & we didn't know what to do. So... we told the doctors to make him comfortable.  But, today I wish I  had been more specific about that too. They medicated him so much to make him "comfortable" he couldn't communicate.  I wish they had just given enough to take the extreme pain away, so we could have asked what he wanted & he could have been specific.  I still feel the guilt, but I know he would not want to live on machines. I think of conversations we had over the years. I know he wouldn't want to be on "life support" in any way. Try to think back to comments your Dad may have made over the recent years, before the Alzheimers.  I hope you & your Mom are able to find inner peace to help you through this MOST difficult time.  How wonderful you are to be this close to your parents. Again, I wish I had a magic wand.  If you would not be offended I will enter you & your folks into my prayers. 
Bless you.


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## QuiltTeddy

I know first hand how Alzheimers slowly eats away at the family members, while it slowly breaks down all organs in the person suffering from the disease.  Fortunately (and speaking from experiencing the breakdown in my mother), the person suffering from the Alzheimers is not aware of how their body is breaking down.  Once they hit a certain point, the downhill slide is quick.  Hopefully during this quick downhill slide, they are kept pain free.  The pain, though, is felt by the rest of the family and it never really goes away.  I wish I could tell you it gets easier as time passes.  It's now a 15 months since my mother passed from this disease and it's still very fresh.  The only comfort is knowing that my mother is no longer suffering from the debilitating disease.  

Stay strong and keep thinking of all the wonderful memories you have from the past.  Those memories will help you through the darkest of days.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.


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## RnbwSktles

I wish I had found this thread sooner so that I could have offered you some support along the way! 

My FIL has AZ and the last few years have been very rough on DH's family. I think they are finally starting to look at putting him in a nursing home, which I truly think is the best decision.

How my MIL is handling the situation has caused a lot of friction between DH and myself. My in-laws are still young (around 60) so this disease has really put a damper on my MILs lifestyle . She has been "retired" since she had DH about 30 years ago so she's very active socially. She is very responsible with making sure he takes his meds and sees his doctors, but she is easily stressed out. She likes to go out dancing a few nights a week, and a few times a year will take a vacation somewhere with a friend. Two summers ago she went for 3 weeks. Occasionally, it's just a weekend retreat. Sometimes she will just leave him at home all day because she doesn't want to deal with taking him out. I understand the need to get away once in a while for her own sanity, but it ends up putting a lot of responsibility on DH and I. My DSIL is currently living with them, but works full time and then is only home about 4 nights a week (never on weekends).

DH feels guilty that DFIL gets left alone all of the time, so he often brings him up to our house. We live on a 15 acre "farm" so there is always some kind of yard work to do. It used to be that you just gave him a rake and he'd be fine for hours, even if he wasn't actually being productive. Now, DH has to constantly watch him because he will break random things, throw things away, or randomly decide to go to the bathroom in a very inappropriate place. DH spends most of these days yelling at him out of frustration. This is basically every weekend.

I think the biggest problem is that his family overestimates what he can do most of the time. If he can't figure out to turn on the TV or put his pants on, they try to reason with him and say "Do it yourself, you know how to. Show me". 98% of the time this just leads to arguing. DH will give him a task to do, but then yell at him when he breaks something. :

Not surprisingly, this all gets worse when DMIL is gone on a trip.

I feel awful, but I'm kind of ready for the whole thing to just be over.


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## shadowryter

Hi, I feel so sorry that you are going through this too. For me things got so out of hand with my dad. He got violent and wanted me and my mom dead. The police found an 8 inch screw driver hidden under his pillow. The police became involved when he took his car and disappeared one night. I was beside myself with worry and to make matters worse my mom was in a nursing home/rehab because she broke her hip barely a month prior. The police visited my house for three consecutive nights and finally took him out of the house for observation.

He is in a nursing home now and doesn't even know who I am. He declined so fast. It was hard for me because the last words spoken between us was ,"Dad please come home. It's getting cold out here." To which he responded, "%itch!" In front of the whole neighborhood. I didn't hold it against him. I knew it was the AZ talking, not him.

I get it with the unable to dress, turn on a TV, leave all on the lights on in the house and the hot water faucet's running. I had to do a safety check every night. I know it is frustrating when they can't do something as simple as get dressed. Instead of telling him to do it himself I just helped. I explained what he did wrong but jokingly. It was like talking to a child.

I tried to put myself in my dad's place. He was a brilliant man: an electronics engineer. Imagine what went though his mind when the simplest thing was so hard to do if not impossible. It breaks my heart that I was the one who obtained guardianship because he couldn't make any decisions. I put him in that nursing home.

I understand that you MIL is still young and wants to have fun but she should really consider what's going on with her DH. I know that you need to get away sometime because the daily task of taking care of someone with AZ can be all consuming. My DH, me and my DD go on vacation in the fall every year. This year DH and I are hoping to sneak away but not without the help of my DD who has volunteered to stay at home and take care of her grandmother. Believe it or not my mom broke her hip for the second time in less than five months and is back at rehab, so she can't be left alone.  I now have two parents in nursing homes.

The decision will have to be made soon as what to do, but for me placing dad somewhere where he would have around the clock care made sense. I feel rested now and I have no regrets. It was the right thing to do. I wish you and your family all the best. Take care.
Linda


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## Auntie L.

shadowryter said:
			
		

> Hi, I feel so sorry that you are going through this too. For me things got so out of hand with my dad. He got violent and wanted me and my mom dead. The police found an 8 inch screw driver hidden under his pillow. The police became involved when he took his car and disappeared one night. I was beside myself with worry and to make matters worse my mom was in a nursing home/rehab because she broke her hip barely a month prior. The police visited my house for three consecutive nights and finally took him out of the house for observation.
> 
> He is in a nursing home now and doesn't even know who I am. He declined so fast. It was hard for me because the last words spoken between us was ,"Dad please come home. It's getting cold out here." To which he responded, "%itch!" In front of the whole neighborhood. I didn't hold it against him. I knew it was the AZ talking, not him.
> 
> I get it with the unable to dress, turn on a TV, leave all on the lights on in the house and the hot water faucet's running. I had to do a safety check every night. I know it is frustrating when they can't do something as simple as get dressed. Instead of telling him to do it himself I just helped. I explained what he did wrong but jokingly. It was like talking to a child.
> 
> I tried to put myself in my dad's place. He was a brilliant man: an electronics engineer. Imagine what went though his mind when the simplest thing was so hard to do if not impossible. It breaks my heart that I was the one who obtained guardianship because he couldn't make any decisions. I put him in that nursing home.
> 
> I understand that you MIL is still young and wants to have fun but she should really consider what's going on with her DH. I know that you need to get away sometime because the daily task of taking care of someone with AZ can be all consuming. My DH, me and my DD go on vacation in the fall every year. This year DH and I are hoping to sneak away but not without the help of my DD who has volunteered to stay at home and take care of her grandmother. Believe it or not my mom broke her hip for the second time in less than five months and is back at rehab, so she can't be left alone.  I now have two parents in nursing homes.
> 
> The decision will have to be made soon as what to do, but for me placing dad somewhere where he would have around the clock care made sense. I feel rested now and I have no regrets. It was the right thing to do. I wish you and your family all the best. Take care.
> Linda



Hi everyone. I'm Linda from MA too. It's been good for me to read all these posts and I'm in awe over how much you've all endured.  I'm taking care of my 83 yr old mom with moderate Alz. I'm lucky because she isn't violent and she gave up driving pretty easily. I guess I feel sorry for myself because I have little time for myself (I'm the only caregiver) and my mom is so emotionally needy. I'm pretty much all she has - I have a brother but he's involved with his own family (he helps out a little with some paperwork, etc) Right now, I'm still able to work (though I'm a little nervous to leave mom.) I sleep at her house every night ( on the Aero bed -LOL) We're starting to look into nsg home options - what a process! I know it will be hard and I admit that I feel guilty, but I also know my limits. Thanks for letting me vent and I'll keep all of you in my prayers.


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## shadowryter

Auntie L. said:


> Hi everyone. I'm Linda from MA too. It's been good for me to read all these posts and I'm in awe over how much you've all endured.  I'm taking care of my 83 yr old mom with moderate Alz. I'm lucky because she isn't violent and she gave up driving pretty easily. I guess I feel sorry for myself because I have little time for myself (I'm the only caregiver) and my mom is so emotionally needy. I'm pretty much all she has - I have a brother but he's involved with his own family (he helps out a little with some paperwork, etc) Right now, I'm still able to work (though I'm a little nervous to leave mom.) I sleep at her house every night ( on the Aero bed -LOL) We're starting to look into nsg home options - what a process! I know it will be hard and I admit that I feel guilty, but I also know my limits. Thanks for letting me vent and I'll keep all of you in my prayers.


Hi Linda, Please feel free to vent. I think that was all I did when I started this thread. Alz is a cruel disease. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As for me my dad is now receiving 24/7 care. He can't dress, bath or eat on his own. He gets around with the aide of a walker and two people need to assist him even with that. The worse part for me is that he doesn't know me anymore. There might be a faint glimmer of recognition but then it's gone in an instant. I am now taking care of my mom as her health is slowly failing. Two broken hips (broke the same one twice) within five months of each other, heart failure twice within 4 weeks, first requiring a pacemaker. She is fragile and dependent on me as I too am the only caregiver though I have a brother in Miami who can barely take care of himself. I'm basically alone though I have some help from my husband and daughter. She unlike my dad is sharp as a tack. It's her body that's failing. Just like with my dad I'm frustrated and just plain tired right now but I push on and just pray for the best. Take care of yourself because your mom needs you right now. I'll be thinking of you and know you're in my prayers.
Linda


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## Auntie L.

Thanks Linda. You definitely have a lot on your plate.  It so tough to see a loved one go through what your mom is - esp when her mind is so keen. She's lucky to have you. 
I just love the support on these boards- and it helps me get my Disney fix when I feel trapped.  Haven't been to WDW in 2 years, so it helps to read these posts and watch the videocasts. And I was fortunate to be able to attend the podcast at the NE meet last month (Mom was having a good day,  thank God! ) It's the little things that are getting me through right now- hope you all can find some too. Take care,  Linda - it sounds like you're doing a great job! Looking forward to hearing more from everyone.


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## Disneygranny1973

Hello Linda,
     I was looking for you to see about some designs and come across this thread. I am so sorry you are having to deal with AZ. I know exactly what you are going through as my dear mother had this. She was a fun, intelligent and caring person. AZ turned her into a crying, confused person, who stayed depressed and angry. During her last year, she no longer knew us, didn't recognize simple instructions, couldn't feed herself..etc. The process is slow and painful to watch and heartbreaking to accept. I will never forget the first time I came around the corner at the nursing home and watched her turn her head away as if I was just another person. That hurt beyond words. I immediately stopped walking and started crying. I tried to take care of her at home, but I was so afraid to sleep at night because she would get up and wander about and I wouldn't even know she was up. Many mornings I got up to find her sitting on the couch, fully dressed and sound asleep. It would amaze me and terrify me at the same time. I never heard her. Soon she became combative and wouldn't eat, shower or take her medicines. She would say, " i'm the mother, you don't tell me what to do", it seemed she could remember her role, but not the importance of her meds..she got so mad at me one day because I wouldn't let her get in somebody's car that had come to visit her..she pitched one more fit. My husband and family sat me down and told me that I didn't have what she needed here at home. She needed round the clock care that I couldn't give. The first of many hard decisions I had to make. But when we took her to the NH, she thought she we had taken her to a hospital and thought the aides were nurses and she did whatever they told her she needed to do. She would eat, shower..everything! I was so glad we made that decision. Towards the end, she began having seizures. They said her brain had entered into it's final stages of function....a CAT scan proved them right..it had completely atrophied and the end was imminent. She still lingered on for 6wks from that point. I had to make the decision not to put a feeding tube in. Of course she had made previous arrangements to cover that decision, but I still had to decide when I wanted them to quit trying to feed her and just let her go. She was a diabetic as well. She had an IV and I told them when it occluded (time to change the needle) that we would just remove it and let her go. Each step towards the end was harder and harder to make. You would think it would be easier, having time to prepare, but it wasn't. I found comfort in knowing that I had actually said goodbye to my mother a long time ago...
Sometimes I still wonder if I did the best I could for her, knowing full well I tried to..and if you will let it, the guilt will eat away at you endlessly and unmercifully...but then I think...you know what? One day, I plan on seeing her again, and i'm gonna ask her..."how did I do Mom?" LOL...
Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.....(thanks for listening)


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## Auntie L.

Just thought I'd check in with all you caregivers - hoping all is Ok. It's tough work, for sure.  Disney granny,  you sound like a very caring person and a great daughter.  I appreciated reading your post.


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## Auntie L.

Well, not too much action lately so I thought I'd bump this up again.  Hope all the Alzheimer's caretakers are doing OK. I was quite cranky today, but this will pass. Mom's ok, just very needy -she followed me around like a puppy today - yikes! Take care everyone.


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## Lorelei528

I'll add myself into this mix....my mom who is 88 has recently been diagnosed with dementia.
Her mom had it too.  

I'm not in the mood to talk about it right now (and I get like that a lot), but it's helped to read this thread and to know there are other DISers out there going through a lot of the same things as me.

The big thing on the table now is that my mom is till driving (not a lot, but she has her car and keys).  And although she can get pretty cranky at times, she's not aggressive or violent in any way.  

I'll check in again, just wanted to post here now.

Thanks all-
Lori


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## shadowryter

Hi Lori...I understand completely. When you're ready to talk I'll be here.


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## Luv0fDisney

I am here with prayers and thoughts. 
My grandmother (dad's mom) had alztheimers and we had her in a home right when my grandpa passed in 2009. She was there til 2012 when she passed away. She would ask my dad the same thing over and over and when we told her that her mind wasn't working right, she said "no it's working good." Alztheimers patients don't know there is something wrong. My grandmother on my mom's side had leuie body dementia where she came up with these weird stories that she would see on tv news and incorporate in her life like it was happening in her house and nursing home. With Lewy Body dementia patient's they know that something is wrong, but with alztheimer's they don't think there is anything wrong. 

I know what you are going through and I'm sending prayers and thoughts. 
My grandmother (with LB dementia) also broke her hip 2x. .


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## codysmom1990

I'm so glad I found this thread.  As I am watching my brother-in-law in his final days of living with alztheimers and severe dementia.  I have had other experiences with this dreaded disease, but it doesnt make it any easier.  Still hurts the same.  I understand it better, just cant believe how quick it progressed in him.  He was driving in August, jumped over a neighbors fence to escape in October, and now this is it.  Feel real sad, keep wondering if I could of done better for him.  It seems like he really declined after being told he couldnt drive anymore. He did not take the news well at all.  He fought us constantly and begged us for his keys once last time.  He just wanted to take the last drive he said,  I couldnt risk him getting into an accident, him hurting someone or himself, he just couldnt understand why he couldnt drive. I kinda wish I let him, but I know it was right not to,  I took him on drives, but he wasnt happy with someone else driving him.  Has anyone else experienced this, I havent with my other relatives.  He just wants his clothes off.  Sine October, he would go around always taking his clothes off, even now when he is pretty much out of it, he wants everything off, not even blankets or sheets.  So far I have managed to keep his diaper on, but he keeps pulling at that to. He was always a private person and would never of done this otherwise.  And he was always cold and would even wan the heat on in the summer.  Its winter now, hes gotta be cold, but nope, he wants them off.  He seems so content just laying there like that.  Thanks for group.  Lisa


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## shadowryter

Hello Lisa, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I started this thread because I had no idea of what I was dealing with with. I now have a better understanding of this dreaded disease thanks to the responses that I have received here. Please know that you are not alone. My dad has been in a nursing home for a little over a year now. He spends most of his days singing and does not know me. He went from walking on his own, to a walker and now a wheelchair. My mom has been in a skilled nursing facility due to a second broken hip and Congestive Heart Failure. She's been away for 5 months (came home last Saturday) and my dad does not even ask for her. My dad could not dress himself. He did not remember how to turn on the TV. He took off in his truck and got lost in our neighborhood. I had to call the police who found him just down the road. He was angry and hated me and my mom for having to surrender his license. The last straw was when he tried to leave in his pajamas on a cold winters day and threatened to kill himself, earlier threatening the lives of my mom and I. The police found a ten inch screwdriver hidden underneath his pillow case and I shudder just to think about what he might have been planning. They took him away that evening and I haven't seen him much since my mom needs constant help and I am her caregiver. You do feel sad and frustrated and lost. It's not your fault. It's the nature of the illness and it sounds like you need some help. It's quite a task taking care of someone with Altz. Don't be afraid to  admit that to yourself. You sound like a loving and caring person. You and your Brother-in-law will be in my prayers. Take care.
Linda


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## shadowryter

It's been along time since I posted. But this is where Alzheimer's ends. My dad passed away a little after seven this morning. He was at peace and in no pain. Now he can rest. Thank you for all your replies and words of encouragement.


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## lisaviolet

shadowryter said:


> It's been along time since I posted. But this is where Alzheimer's ends. My dad passed away a little after seven this morning. He was at peace and in no pain. Now he can rest. Thank you for all your replies and words of encouragement.



I'm so very sorry, shadowryter.  

And relieved to hear that he passed peacefully.  

____________________________________


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## Pea-n-Me

shadowryter said:


> It's been along time since I posted. But this is where Alzheimer's ends. My dad passed away a little after seven this morning. He was at peace and in no pain. Now he can rest. Thank you for all your replies and words of encouragement.


I'm so sorry, shadowryter.  May he RIP. 

Thank you for being there for him.


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## robinb

shadowryter said:


> It's been along time since I posted. But this is where Alzheimer's ends. My dad passed away a little after seven this morning. He was at peace and in no pain. Now he can rest. Thank you for all your replies and words of encouragement.


{{hugs}} I am sorry for your loss.  May your dad rest in peace and may you also find peace.


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## codysmom1990

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## teruterubouzu

shadowryter said:


> It's been along time since I posted. But this is where Alzheimer's ends. My dad passed away a little after seven this morning. He was at peace and in no pain. Now he can rest. Thank you for all your replies and words of encouragement.



I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you are surrounded by love and support during these difficult days.


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## DisneyWorldMimi

We found out 3 years ago that my father has Alzheimer's.  We actually think it was coming on in 2012, but it was still very mild.  In the past couple years he has gone down hill.  I went out to visit them while my sister, niece and great nephew were there.  My dad thought I was his sister.  We had to keep reminding him that I was his daughter.  Finally after talking to his sister on the phone, it didn't happen so much.  He wasn't too bad then.   I went out twice last year and he had really gone down hill.  But at Christmas I found that they put him on Aricept and Namenda, but also Zypresta.  The Zypresta has a lot of side effects and is rarely prescribed and only if the person has extreme agitation, aggression and hallucinations.  My father had none of these.  This can also make him more confused.  We took him off of the Zypresta and my mom said he hasn't been doing too bad.  Kind of does more than he was after they put him on the Zypresta.  They could have put him on Celexa if he was having mood swings.
Below is a good link with lots of information especially about medications.  I live in Florida and my parent live in California.  My brother is also in CA, but my sister is in North Carolina.  Sometimes I feel as if my mom listens to what I am trying to tell her, but then goes with what my sis and bro are telling her.  My hubby gave his opinion and she did say that she appreciated him being honest with her.  I told her from day one that they could have gotten into an assisted care and gotten settled prior to it getting to the point it is now. But my sis & bro disagreed.  Keep him in the house.  All this is doing is putting stress on my mother.  They are both in the 80's and it is getting harder for my mom.  She forgets things and when we visited, she repeated things constantly.  And I do mean constantly!  "You need to take a cruise; you will be hooked." "make that spare room into a cat room." 
I hate when my sister goes out there because she is a kleptomaniac and always leaves with something from the house, but my mother will not confront her.  She thinks she is doing no wrong and that she is entitled to it.  But that's another story.  

https://www.nia.nih.gov/alzheimers


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## DisneyWorldMimi

Shadow, Sorry for your loss.  My father is in good health other than the Alzheimers and thankfully he is not a violent man.  But he wasn't violent before either.  He was found wandering the streets in their community in just his underwear at 2 in the morning twice.  The first time the police brought him back to the house and the second time and EMT who had just gotten off found him and called the police.  They took him to the hospital.  He had blisters on his feet for over two weeks both times and did not know how he got them.

He always took a walk in the afternoon and so where he was found was on part of his walking route.  Thankfully he knew his last name and since they are the only ones in the community with that last name, they were able to find my mom.

My mom can't make up her mind what she wants to do.  She at first was going to get in to a assisted living and then next thing she had decided not to.  One minute it is about the money and the next it isn't.  If they would move out here to an assisted living place, I would bring them in a heart beat, but I know they won't.  

I think I am the only one stressing about both of their health.  My sister mentions it occasionally, but mainly to try to make me feel like I don't know what is going on.  I know exactly what is going on.  My brother doesn't talk about it to me, so I don't know how he is handling it.  He might talk to my sister, but only because she would really quiz him to see how he thinks my dad is doing.  She would love to get a power of attorney over them. 

She tried to take them to North Carolina from the middle of October until after Thanksgiving this year.  I flat out told her that it was not going to happen.  Last year she took them out 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving.  She had her two daughter, with one of their husbands, 1 daughters 3 year and my parents.  The second day in the trip, my dad started asking when they were going to go home.  Thanksgiving day, Niece #1 w/hubby goes into labor and has to go to the hospital.  After dinner, my sister has to go to the hospital. She is there for a couple days and home for 1 1/2 days and then is back in the hospital. She complains to her hubby that she has had to take care of my mom and dad while they were there.  My mom took care of my dad and my niece #2 helped her sometimes. My sister did nothing. I could see this happening all over again.  She would have had my dad in such a state that he really would have been confused and would possibly gotten irritated.


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## lanejudy

@DisneyWorldMimi   It looks like you restarted an old thread that possibly has been forgotten by some of the others.  Sounds like things have been tough for your family.  I can understand.  My father was diagnosed with vascular dementia a few years ago.  He's been in a nursing home for about 20 months now.  Some days he knows me, other days he thinks I'm another relative, yet other days I have no idea who he thinks I am.  It's such a sad disease and it's hard to watch as it progresses in our loved ones.  I wish you well on this difficult journey -- please post back how you are doing.


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## DisneyWorldMimi

I guess I did find an old threat.  I just came back from California because my brother contacted me to come out since my mom was sick.  She had the flu and then came down with diverticulitis the day after I got there.  This came on because she has lost a lot of weight and then with the flu wasn't eating at all.  My brother didn't bother to contact my sister because she "had to take care of her two grandsons" while her daughters worked this BSA camp. One daughter is due sometime this month. In February my sister told my mom she would be there in 6 months.  My mother's health was declining then. 

When I called my sister on the fact that neither she or my brother wanted my parents in an assisted living home 2 years ago and my mom & I had my dad convinced to move in to one, that my mother would not be as sick as she currently is.  Both her doctor and my dad's doctor have told her that he needs to go into a home or it will kill her. My brother wants to wait until she is better.  While I was there she had some good days and then bad days.  Her bad days were when she thought about being alone or not having me there to take care of them. She would basically worry herself sick.  She was in bed for the first 10 days I was there and doesn't remember any of it. 

We took m father off of Olanzapine because I felt it was to strong a drug for him. My brother about had a fit, but after seeing the change that two days made in him, he changed his mind.  He saw how alert and how he stayed awake all day compared to sleeping 90% of the day. He commented that my dad was put on it for a reason, because he was a bit argumentative with my mom. I said I under stood that, but that there were milder anti-depressants that he could have been put on.  Olanzapine is considered a "Black Box" medication that should only be used for dementia or Alzheimer's patients if nothing else has worked. They try NOT to use it at all.  My father has always been a very mild manner person - never mean or aggressive.

I told my brother recently that since my sister is coming out earlier than originally planned that, between the two of them they better get my dad into a home. If they wait until she is better, it will never happen, she will die first.  They have to get him in a memory care facility and get her settled back into her routines that she had before - going to Tai Chi, helping with the Players Club, going to lunch with friends. Get into water aerobics too. 

I also told him that while I know he doesn't like anyone saying anything bad about my sister, that if I find she has taken anything else from my mom's house and he lets her do it. I will call her out on everything that she has taken and will demand that it either be returned or it comes out of her share of the inheritance. He knows she has taken things and has never said anything. 

Everyone of them think that because I am the middle child my opinion does not matter. It didn't matter when I felt they both needed to go into assisted living to get set into a new routine prior to my dad's alzheimer's getting worse. But my siblings didn't want that. My sister takes stuff and my brother turns a blind eye. I called my sister on some things and she could not deny a single thing I said.  She could only come back with that she has supported my mom and will support her decisions. She tried to bring up that one of my mom's med is an anti-psychotic, but it is for nausea and to be used ONLY as needed. She didn't use it even once the entire month I was there.  I gave her papaya instead.  It's all natural and works great for nausea. 

If I have to go back out to help my mom, I will.  But it will be with the condition that she gets my dad in a home and then gets her brother to come down for a visit too.


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## lanejudy

Wow, sorry things haven't gotten any better for you or your parents' situations.  Aging is not an easy process when they begin to need so much help.  My dad was on olanzapine, I think they tried it at a couple of different doses, but yes it definitely knocked him out.  It's tough balancing the atypical aggressiveness that comes from the disease with keeping them alert but calm.   

Unfortunately the issue with siblings can be a battle.  Or not.  It may keep the peace if you just let them do their thing, as long as it's not impacting mom or dad's health care.  I feel very fortunate that my 3 siblings and I have managed to get through so much without disagreement.  Good luck to you!


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## DisneyWorldMimi

*Just an update:*  My brother contacted me on Saturday, September 16 to let me know that my dad had passed away in his sleep in the early morning hours.  Hospice and the home that he was in contacted him while he was on a bike ride (he is training for an Ironman in Arizona).  I could tell by the way he sounded that he was upset, but had tried to compose himself to let me know.  He told those that contacted him, that he would go and tell me mum in person.  Once he had gotten up there and told her, he sent me a text letting me know.  I talked to my mom later that night.  

I was able to get out to see them in August with my husband and granddaughter.  We went to see him one day and were going to go another day, but it ended up not working out.  While we were visiting he got teary eyed. I kept telling him who I was and that I loved him.  I showed him my granddaughter and explained who she was and how she had been his little helper. 

Both my mom and I look at it as a blessing. He could have lived with this for many years. Instead he only had it from 2013 (possible 2012) to 2017.  He didn't talk to my mom or nod when she asked him questions, so she wasn't sure if he knew her.  As we left, we stopped at the front door to say goodbye to one of the nurses and we had left my dad in the den/dining area off the kitchen. I turned around and he had gotten up and followed us to the door.  My mom said that he had never done that before.  She thinks that he might have had a spark of recognition, either in our voices or my face, but something got him stimulated.

It was hard to explain to my granddaughter, but my daughter and I did it together.  We talked about how he had been sick and couldn't remember things or people or how to do things. Then we told her that he had gone to bed on the Friday and when they went to wake him up on Saturday, he wouldn't wake up.  We told her how we were glad that she got to know him and her grandma (both her great grandparents). I said that her mom didn't remember meeting her great grandma because she was a little girl when she died.  We said now he would be able to sit in Heaven and look down on her and see all the things she does in school, and would be telling his mom about her and how proud he is of her.  We told her that he would be her guardian angel.  She is going to make a shadow box of things that he has given to her with a couple pictures.  She talked the the religion teacher at school and the teacher talked to my daughter. The teacher said that she is handling it very well and understands what happened.  She has explained it to other kids in the class too.

Since my parents have opted to donate their bodies to the Loma Linda Medical Teaching Hospital, they did not have a service for him. I wrote the obituary for their local paper and the paper from where he was from.  I know writing it helped me through my grieving process.


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## limitdis

Feed the brain the building blocks it needs.  It cannot repair without them.  Fat!  And cholesterol!  It needs both.  Also, keep in mind, testosterone is 95% cholesterol.  I would recommend high fat and cholesterol diet for any brain injury/disease.  Lots of cold pressed coconut oil.  Lots of egg yolks!  Lots of fish oil.


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## robinb

@DisneyWorldMimi im sorry I missed your previous update. {{hugs}} I am sorry for your loss .


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