# My wonderful DH has advanced Panreatic Cancer



## amandamc8

Please forgive my long rant, but theres a lot to get off my chest

At the end of March my lovely husband, 40-year-old Miles, blacked out following a coughing fit. We went to see his GP who checked him over and says that all is well, and that the cough was just a winter thing  even though he hadnt even had a cold. The GP referred him to neurologist, and on May 18th we see as specialist who says that the passing out is due to cough syncope and that Miles needs to return to the GP to get his cough sorted. So, we go back to the GP, who diagnoses hiatus hernia, as miles is now also having indigestion pain and has lost weight, and he says that this is also causing the cough. He prescribes antacid meds and sends Miles for a chest x-ray for peace of mind.

Later the following week, Miles returned to his GP as his abdominal pain was getting worse. The GP is unconcerned about his pain, but tells us that the chest x-ray results are back and that they show signs of pulmonary fibrosis. Miles stomach problems are now diagnosed as acid reflux, which is common amongst people with PF, and also that this is why he has lost weight. The GP sends him for a CT scan. It takes 3 weeks to get the CT appointment (the hospital did not receive the request from the GP), and meanwhile, miles returned to his GP 3 times as his stomach pain was getting worse.

The CT took place on July 7th and on July 10th we were called to the respiratory dept as the scan showed traumatic scarring. Miles is told about the treatment for pulmonary fibrosis and referred to a thoracic surgeon for a lung biopsy to find the cause of the fibrosis. Meanwhile, Miles continues to see his GP with increasing abdominal pain and weight loss. We asked 2 GPs and the respiratory specialist if the pain could be to do with his pancreas, but were dismissed each time  even though the specialist said that the CT scan showed some pancreatic atrophy.

Miles biopsy took place on July 25th, and on August 5th we are told completely out of the blue that they had found a tumour in his lungs that had proved to be cancerous. We are told that surgery isnt an option as the damage is spread across both lungs, but that oncology would be in touch to discuss chemotherapy. We waited for another week and returned to see the same consultant who then told us that the lungs were not the primary site of the cancer, and that another CT scan was needed to try and establish the area of the primary. On August 19th we were told that the scan had shown a 2.4cm mass in Miles pancreas and that a MDT meeting was taking place the next day to discuss a course of action.

On Thursday 20th August I received a phone call from a nurse specialist telling me that Miles has pancreatic cancer, and that it has already spread to his lungs, stomach and peritoneal cavity  and that there is nothing at all that can be done. Our Macmillan nurse came to see us the next day and explained that Miles is not fit enough to try chemotherapy, and broke the news that Miles hasnt got long left, and that we shoulb be thinking in terms of weeks not months. 

Its all happened so suddenly, and we are really struggling to take it all in. I just dont know where to start. Our daughter is 16 in November and I am 40 in January, only a few weeks ago we were busy trying do decide how to celebrate, now it seems highly unlikely that Miles will see either of them. Miles has never smoked, rarely drinks alcohol and has been very fit and active all his life. He was still working in mid-July, how can everything change so suddenly? I know that I need to stay strong for our daughter, but I dont know where to find that strength from.


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## antmaril

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this.  I lost my beloved husband, Mat, to pancreatic cancer on July 7, 2008 after an eight month battle.   Mat was 55 when he passed.  He, too, was fit and healthy.  His diagnosis came as a complete shock to us.  We had a different situation since Mat went to the emergency room because he was weak, had lost weight without trying and his eyes were turning yellow.  He had a CT Scan and we were told that night that he had a tumor on his pancreas.  

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.


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## dogodisney

I am so sorry. God Bless you all.


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## safetymom

I am so sorry for all of you.  All you can do is take life minutes at a time.  I know when my husband died that was all I could handle.  If I tried to think any further than that I had issues.

My husband died when I was 42.  I had 3 children and believe me they were the reason I got up every day.  It isn't easy but be easy on yourself.

You will find talking about what you are dealing with really does help. I will keep you all in my prayers.


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## CarolynU

I try to understand the logic behind stories like this but fail miserably. It just seems so sad. A young fit husband and father who had everything to live for. Why? You must all be asking the same question, and my thoughts are with you as you struggle to find the answers. I wish that I could be of more help. I'm just so sorry.


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## minniebeth

amandamc8, I'm so so sorry to hear of your news. You, your DH and DD will be in my thoughts and prayers every, every day...there are no words to say in the time of your need that will make things better, other than to know others like myself are praying for you. 

antmaril, safetymom, my heart goes out to you too for the path that life has taken you on... I lost my dad when I was 7 and can't imagine what it was like for my mom to have lost her husband and take care of her 3 children as well too.


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## amandamc8

Thank you all for your kind words of support - it helps to be able to share what we are all going through. Life is so very unfair sometimes and it is so hard to keep going. We were such a happy family...

We have always spent as much quality time together as family as we could and we have some wonderful memories. Miles wants us to carrry on doing all of the things that we have always loved, and he says that he will be right there with us in spirit. I just can't imagine ever wanting to do anything again - we always did everything together. I just can't take it all in. He is being so strong, and I try so hard, but when he is sleeping and I am alone I just fall apart. I can't believe there is nothing that can be done to try and help him.

We have asked for a second opinion and we have a referal to Christies cancer hospital which should mean we have an appointment very soon. It's not that we are holding out for a better diagnosis, but the GI team at our hospital dismissed Miles as being to ill for any treatment without even bothering to meet him. They asked to see me, but they have never even seen Miles, and it would be good to know that the people making decisions about his care have at least examined him and talked things through with him.
I suppose it's just too hard to accept that they won't even try to do something to give him a little more time...

Thanks again for your replies. I don't really have anyone that I can talk too openly - everyone wants to help, but they can't cope with me when I am emotional. I think it must be the british 'stiff upper lip' thing...

Amanda


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## Pea-n-Me

This is a very sad story and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I am keeping you all in my prayers. 



amandamc8 said:


> We have asked for a second opinion and we have a referal to Christies cancer hospital which should mean we have an appointment very soon. It's not that we are holding out for a better diagnosis, but the GI team at our hospital dismissed Miles as being to ill for any treatment without even bothering to meet him. They asked to see me, but they have never even seen Miles, and it would be good to know that the people making decisions about his care have at least examined him and talked things through with him.
> I suppose *it's just too hard to accept that they won't even try to do something to give him a little more time*...


And that is the crux (for me) of some of these discussions we have surrounding health care here in the US. 

Here, right now, your DH, first of all, would have probably been diagnosed much earlier. Like with auntmaril's DH, he would have had a CT soon after his first, but certainly after his continued complaints of abdominal pain. And then the fight would have started. It might have bought him some time. At least the option to try is almost always there. (Especially for someone so young with a young family.) I don't know that it will be in the future. 

I hope you don't mind my thoughts on this, but I have to think you posted details because you are somewhat bewildered and angered about how this went down for you. I think you have the right to be. It's very hard to go through this for months and months without an answer; finally be told there are no options; and then to know you have to look back on it for the rest of your life. 

FWIW, as you know I'm sure, pancreatic cancer is one of the really tough ones. They know this from looking back on statistics of others who have it - how long they lived, how they responded to treatment, etc. Not just in the UK, but worldwide. And they generally make decisions based on what they know about that along with the specifics of any one case. Your husband's case truly may be extremely, extremely advanced (which it sounds as if it is) and treatment of any kind may not only not help, but may harm him. But it certainly would be nice if they actually saw and evaluated him and heard what he had to say, what his desires are, etc, before they made their final decisons about his care.

You're in my thoughts today.


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## WebmasterKathy

I am so very sorry...


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## ERICS MUM

amandamc8 said:


> Thank you all for your kind words of support - it helps to be able to share what we are all going through. Life is so very unfair sometimes and it is so hard to keep going. We were such a happy family........
> *Thanks again for your replies. I don't really have anyone that I can talk too openly - everyone wants to help, but they can't cope with me when I am emotional. I think it must be the british 'stiff upper lip' thing...*Amanda



Hi Amanda,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and I wish for you and your family to find strength for the difficult times.

Have you found the MacMillan website ?  It has a very active forum and I feel you would find it helps to "talk" to other people in similar circumstances:

http://share.macmillan.org.uk/share/forums/?tag=pancreatic 

Linda xx


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## Ember

Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing.  I'm so very sorry for you and your family.  Facing things like this is so hard and you'll be in my thoughts.


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## princessjv

I am so very sorry for what you are going through.  Spend the remaining time together, cherishing what you have, for as long as time will give your family.


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## RabbitFood

I am so very sorry for what you're going through.

Please know that misdiagnosis/delayed diagnosis is not unusual for this disease.  It has nothing to do with your health care.  In fact, someone very dear to me was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer here in the US after five long months of symptoms, pain, and being told by many doctors that it was GIRD, or an ulcer, or IBS.  He even had an MRI as recently as May that supposedly showed nothing abnormal, although there were "suspicious" lesions on his liver.

Pancreatic cancer is an evil, evil disease that offers few symptoms and is often missed by doctors. 

We've found this website: www.pancan.org to be very helpful.  Check out Patient Services/Inspiration for messages of hope.

I will be holding you and your family and in my heart.


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## luvmarypoppins

I am so sorry that you and your dh have to go through this journey. I pray each and every day will be precious to your family. I always just wake up and say, thank you God for today. Its just one day at a time and I know cancer is just so tough, I say to myself, I just have to fight a little tougher. I pray for Gods peace for you in the coming days. And I will also pray that you can find a dr. who will consider your wishes etc. Blessings to you.


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## amandamc8

Hello again everyone



ERICS MUM said:


> Have you found the MacMillan website ?  It has a very active forum and I feel you would find it helps to "talk" to other people in similar circumstances:
> 
> http://share.macmillan.org.uk/share/forums/?tag=pancreatic
> 
> Linda xx



I have found the macmillan site Linda, in fact the link that you shared goes to my post... I have a couple of lovely e-friends from that site and we try and help eachother through. But oddly, I have found more comfort from you all here.

And the pancan.org website has some wonderful information, thank you Rabbitfood!

We had a visit last night from a Homeopath that another member of the family has benefitted from, he has given us something that might help with Miles' breathing - which is the thing that is causing him problems really. The scan that he had back in July revealed he had lost 50% of his lungs to scarring, so he is doing so well to cope in the way he has been doing... We are very open to holisitic therapies and anything that gives Miles a sense of peace can only be a good thing...

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. We feel very isolated at the moment and the contact I have had from you all has become a bit of a life line for me. It's a wonderful way to support people, thank you so much.

Amanda xx


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## CarolAnnC

I am so sorry to hear of your husband's illness.  It is horrific and shocking when young healthy husbands and fathers are struck down at such a time when life should be good for them...

I hope you can find some comfort and guidance from the sites folks have listed for you above.  I would advise seeking some counseling at some point for your daughter, too.  My girls were young teens when my husband passed suddenly (massive heart attack) and they adored their dad.  Grief counseling did help somewhat for them.

Like Safetymom said, my girls kept me going, too.  It is a rough road to travel, but time does pass and bit by bit things will seem to be better one day.  Please visit us here any time you feel the need.  My prayers for your husband, you and your family are being said...


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## Pea-n-Me

amandamc8 said:


> We had a visit last night from a Homeopath that another member of the family has benefitted from, he has given us something that might help with Miles' breathing - which is the thing that is causing him problems really. The scan that he had back in July revealed he had lost 50% of his lungs to scarring, so he is doing so well to cope in the way he has been doing... We are very open to holisitic therapies and anything that gives Miles a sense of peace can only be a good thing...


I would be happy to brainstorm ideas with you re: ways to improve breathing and promote sleep/rest. (Longtime cardiac nurse.) PM me any time.


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## robinb

{{hugs}} to you and your family.  My own family just had a bad scare with possible pancreatic cancer and my mother was in the hospital for 4 weeks.   We are blessed that she is getting better, but I went through a roller coaster of emotions when I thought I might lose her.  She was the one that was there for me and my sister when my father died in an accident when I was 12.


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## goldcupmom

Praying for all of you!  Hold tight to each other & take one day at a time.


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## DutchsMommy

Hi Amanda,

I am very sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis.  I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer when I was in my teens.  I wanted to maybe give you some perspective from your daughters side of things.  Of course, I can only speak for me, and hope you dont take this like I am trying to pretend I know your daughter but my mom told my dad she didn't want us to know what was going on, that she wanted us to not have to worry as we were writing exams etc.  So, we had no idea how serious things were and I still feel like if I had known maybe I would have had some opportunity to really talk to my mom and share stuff with her.  Of course, you and DH need to decide what is best for your family but I would encourage you to bring your daughter into the discussions as you see fit.  Hoping the homeopaths ease some of your DHs discomfort and  to you.


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## Mskanga

Amanda I am so sorry that you are dealing with this monster but I am urging you to get a second opinion , you have nothing to lose. 

My daughter was diagnosed with bone cancer at age 14 , thankfully she is now 16 and doing great. You will get your strength from your daughter......but you will have your moments, heck I still get my moments and I am 18 months out of chemo with my daughter. 

My prayers are with you.


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## Mackey Mouse

Amanda.....just a quick reply from me here as I am in the middle of caring for my Tommy... who has been battling Pancreatic Cancer for 5 years.   Last night was a tough night for this family as each time we lose someone famous to this dreaded cancer, it just about sets off anger, annoyance, fear and the list goes on. 

My husband's PC is in his lungs....he never had it in his pancreas but rather in the ampula vater which is in the duodenum section of the stomach.....He had surgery, and when they sampled his lymph nodes it was present in 5 of the 13which meant we did not get there early enough..   

He has battled with chemo's, radiation, surgeries.. you name it we have done it and yet we are right where you are now, the only blessing is we did have 5 years...but most of them were spent battling, sick, recovering... etc.   

Clearly the issue is not enough research done for this kind of cancer and so they do not see to have early detection for it... we found it by chance on a routine test.   

The fact that Miles is so young is grossly unfair but it always upset me when people said to me they were sorry.. this is just me.   I would take what time you have and live each second as if it were a blessing from God... I wish I were more religious...if you have great faith, call on that to get you through and I also found it was the kindness of strangers, not necessarily family, that gets me through each day.. 

I belong to a caregivers' group....it is cancercare.org, I do not know what I would have done without these courageous caretakers....right now the Pancreatic group will be on hiatus until October 1....but I am here for you.   If you have questions or want to talk by email, just pm me and I will give you that information.    Stay strong, listen to your oncologist, and most of all take your cues from Miles on how he is doing each day and how strong he feels.. 

I take it one day at a time and I think we will be calling in hospice soon, it is what it is, we had a great run and now it is about giving him comfort and no pain..   We have no more treatments to try, we have done them all.....this cancer just does not quit...I sometimes refer to it as the evil beast....

I only hope that someday someone influential, important, God knows I have written Oprah and others have as well, will put their face to help with fundraising so that we can get more research done and maybe save more people in the future.. 

Hugs, 
Marsha


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## lookingforward

My thoughts and prayers are with your husband, you and family. Please know that you are not alone and that we are sending caring thoughts to you all.


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## amandamc8

Hi everyone - thanks so much for all of your messages of support. Well, it is now four weeks since we recieved the awful 'phonecall that was to change our lives forever... Miles is still fighting hard and we are trying everything we can to help us to make the most of everyday.



DutchsMommy said:


> I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer when I was in my teens.  I wanted to maybe give you some perspective from your daughters side of things.  Of course, I can only speak for me, and hope you dont take this like I am trying to pretend I know your daughter but my mom told my dad she didn't want us to know what was going on, that she wanted us to not have to worry as we were writing exams etc.  So, we had no idea how serious things were and I still feel like if I had known maybe I would have had some opportunity to really talk to my mom and share stuff with her.



Thanks for this DutchsMommy. As a family, we have always been really close and honest with eachother, so my Daughter has been involved in every step of this journey - right from when we first learned about the scarring on Miles' lungs. It was so hard to tell her that there was nothing that could be done to help her Dad, but we promised that she would always be the first to know how things were developing. She knows how precious every minute is... I hope we have done the right thing, it sounds like you might think that we have...



Mackey Mouse said:


> I would take what time you have and live each second as if it were a blessing from God... I wish I were more religious...if you have great faith, call on that to get you through and I also found it was the kindness of strangers, not necessarily family, that gets me through each day..



Marsha, my thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time, I hope that you are able to find some peace. I too wish that I did have strong faith to comfort me, sadly I do not... but luckliy for me, I have many strangers who are helping me through each day - and I am so grateful to you all...



CarolAnnC said:


> I hope you can find some comfort and guidance from the sites folks have listed for you above. I would advise seeking some counseling at some point for your daughter, too. My girls were young teens when my husband passed suddenly (massive heart attack) and they adored their dad. Grief counseling did help somewhat for them.



I have found support thanks CarolAnn - especially from the good people here on this thread. My daughter has seen a counsellor at school today (they arranged the visit and gave her the option of going to the session) but she says she found it more distressing than useful... The counsellor asked her how long she thought her Dad was going to live for, and if she thought that she would still have contact with her Dad's family after he was gone! I was disappointed at best and a little angry to be honest...It doesn't sound like they called in the right people at all!

Anyway, on a more positive note, I have arranged for Miles to have a Reiki session tomorrow morning, and we are both having reflexology in a few days. It should help us to feel less stressed if nothing else...

As the saying goes, today is a gift - that's why they call it the present. It is received with great thanks and I'm going to make the most of every minute of it with my wonderful husband when he wakes up... Thanks again to everyone for your messages - I can't tell you how much you have all helped.

Amanda


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## safetymom

I can remember when the school called me in for a conference for counselling for my kids after my husband died. I told them we had been honest with the kids along the way and they were shocked.  My kids tried counselling and found it upsetting.  We continued to talk about what was bothering them along the way and they all turned out ok.  I will admit it was rough going more than a few times but I have 3 well adjusted young adults now. 

You will know what is right for your family.


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## PrincessKsMom

I'm so sorry your family is facing this beast.


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## frdeb1999

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Cancer is such a horrible thing.


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## seaprincess

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know only too well how you feel. My dear husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 39. After a 14 month struggle, he passed away on Monday. I can only tell you that it is important to love each other, make every second count and communicate all your wishes. Sadly, my husband lost the ability to speak the last month of his life and I would do anything to hear his voice one more time.

If you ever need to talk, scream, whatever, I am here. I know that cancer can affect the caregiver as much as the patient. I have learned so much this past 14 months and it is a difficult journey. Just keep the faith and stay focused on your husband's health and needs.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Lisa


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## DutchsMommy

Hi again Amanda,

Hope the raiki went well.  I (personally) think it a good decision to include your daughter.  I think in retrospect I would rather have known and then could make my own decisions about how to be involved and not felt akward around my mom - never knowing what to say etc.  On the counsellor side, again for me it would have been weird talking to a stranger.....I would have much rather talked to my parents about my feelings etc.  Anyway, just me 2 cents as always....wishing you a good week.


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## amandamc8

Well, here we are, now 5 weeks since we had our devastating news, and we're all still here - which makes it a great week in my book! Miles had a couple of pretty bad days last week, it's a very scary time for us all... 

I'm doing my best to keep it together but it's hard sometimes, trying my best to just focus on the here and now, but I can't always keep the dark thoughts about the future at bay. I keep coming back to the prognosis of 'weeks not months' that we were given five weeks ago now. I know that I shouldn't think about it, and that they are often proved to be inaccurate, but it's not an easy thing to shake off.

We still don't have our appointment from Christies - there has been a postal strike in the UK and our referal hadn't arrived. So our GP faxed a copy of the letter and we are now in the system and should hear from them by the end of the week.

Miles tried Reiki and reflexology last week, and felt the both of them had helped him a bit - nothing major - but even if it just gives him a sense of wellbeing I think it's worth it. I am trying to find someone who will come to the house to do accupuncture (we haven't been able to leave the house for weeks now) but no luck yet. The Macmillan website reports that many people have a good response to it when it's used to help breathlessness, so will keep trying...

I seem to be angry alot just at the moment... not with the medical service, or with the diagnosis even, but with other people in my life. My in-laws keep asking Miles questions about what he is eating, and has he put weight on, (they won't give him chemo because he is so weak) and why aren't we chasing private treatment... Apart from the fact that Miles feels a tremendous pressure to eat, which is the last thing he needs, answering wears him out - he finds it difficult to talk because of his breathlessness. I have explained this too them but they just don't let up!

And then there's my mum, who is 66 in a few weeks and still working full time - even though she doesn't have to at all - and my dad is desperate for her to retire so they can spend some time together. I would do anything to have just one more 'quality' day with Miles, just to be able to go walk around the park or anything, and yet she choses to give up 5 of those quality days every week. I know it's her choice to make, it just makes me so angry...

Sorry - bit of a negative rant today. It has to come out somewhere though. Thanks to you all for your continued support... it's such a relief to have somewhere to 'talk'...

Amanda x


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## teskak

I am so very sorry to say you have come to the right thread.  When a loved one has a serious illness there seems to be no end of people who just want to drain your energy with this need to "know", "comment" or just downright interfere.  Whatever your relationship with your in-laws, just gets magnified due to the stress.

You are spending all of your energy supporting your loved one, and they just come up with mindless rubbish.  What I did when my mother was dying & I could not deal with the rubbish from her friends over who was told what, when and who gets to visit etc - I appointed the most 'together' of her & Dad's friends as the contact person - if anybody wanted to know anything they could go to that person.  AND NOT STRESS ME OR DAD.

Also, if you have a friend who you can yell, scream, cry at - preferably somebody who has walked a cancer journey to, then you need them, if only to draw from thier energy to get you through your journey.

The Dis is also good for that as well


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## safetymom

Try not to pay attention to the questions.  You know what is important to the both of you. Sending hugs and prayers to both of you.


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## DutchsMommy

Feel free to vent *HECK EVEN USE CAPS IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT!!!!  *


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## safetymom

Try not to pay attention to the questions.  You know what is important to the both of you. Sending hugs and prayers to both of you.


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## dogodisney

DutchsMommy said:


> Feel free to vent *HECK EVEN USE CAPS IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT!!!!  *



 Come here and let it all out. You can yell and scream all you want.


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## smfritz03

My heart just breaks hearing your story.  We were faced with this news back in April, but sadly she lost the battle in June after being told she had about 2 yrs, sadly it was 2 mths. We were hit w/ confusion--anger--everything under the sun that you can imagine.  And still to do this day --every day.

All I can tell you is---grasp every single day to the fullest.  Talk, laugh--take a TON of pictures while he's awake, laughing, sleeping, etc--record his voice, his laugh, hold each other and don't hold anything back--talk about it!  Don't put anything off for tomorrow.

I'll be praying for your dh and your family, if you need anyone to talk to, vent at--don't hestitate to hop on here and use us as your sounding board.  Words alone can not express what I want to tell you, but I'll be here supporting you and praying for you guys!


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## PrincessKsMom

OP, I know you are hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. and are learning to deal with your emotions and this diagnosis as you go.  I know your in-laws are making matters worse for you, but they're fighting this battle with you.  It's their son.  I'm sure they're still at the stage where acceptance of the diagnosis has yet to sink in.  They probably truly believe that if your husband just eats enough, or sees the right people, or tries some new thing, that it will make this all go away.  It must be hard as a parent (and also as a spouse) to feel as if you can't proactively do something to change your circumstances.  I'm not in any way trying to negate your feelings; you're entitled to them.  Rather, I'm just trying to offer an alternative view -- that of a parent whose son has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I don't honestly believe they are insinuating that you aren't doing all you can for their son (or he for himself), I think they're just grasping at any straws they can.  You're all on the same journey, just some of you will cross the finish line ahead of others.  

I honestly, truly hope I have not offended you or added to your anger and unhappiness.  I pray for you and your family daily and will continue to do so.

Forgot the point of all of this:   I know you're here to vent, which is a great thing, and I also know that you are reaching out for support, which you will find.  I didn't in any way mean to insinuate that you have been anything other than understanding or loving toward your husband's family.  I just thought I'd plant the little seed of another perspective.


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## CarolynU

Still just thinking of you all. Don't know what else to say really. Can't comfort you, but am there for you. Lost my own DH to bowel cancer so feel free to pm me at anytime at all if it would help in any way.


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## Torontogal

First of all I want to offer my support. Your thread caught my eye and I had to respond. 
I lost my father just last year to Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. His doctor thought he had an ulcer. He was admitted to the hospital soon after and told it had already spread to his lungs. He passed away 1 month later. I am still in shock. 
I will be praying for you. Please take comfort in the fact that many people on here are praying for you. Be strong and hang in there. Hugs to you.


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## amandamc8

Hi again everyone. Just wanted to add a little background info here...



PrincessKsMom said:


> I know your in-laws are making matters worse for you, but they're fighting this battle with you.  It's their son.  I'm sure they're still at the stage where acceptance of the diagnosis has yet to sink in.  They probably truly believe that if your husband just eats enough, or sees the right people, or tries some new thing, that it will make this all go away.



Yes, of course I know this... but I am not emotionally capable of being objective about things at the moment! I think that it is probably hard for me because for years now we have had very little to do with Miles' family (no big fall out or anything, they just aren't close) and now I feel like I have to justify everything we do. It's so hard... and Miles gets so frustrated about it and I feel like I am letting him down by not being able to get them to understand. 



PrincessKsMom said:


> I don't honestly believe they are insinuating that you aren't doing all you can for their son (or he for himself), I think they're just grasping at any straws they can.



Actually, they have insinuated just that - my MIL has even gone as far as saying such things as 'well the rest of the family is OK so it can't be something he picked up from his childhood', 'maybe if you spent more time making food from scratch', 'it's probably something to do with all your exotic foreign holidays' and 'maybe if you hadn't spent so much money going off on holiday you'd be able to afford private treatment'. Yet I managed to keep my temper through all of that... 

And this is why I come to visit you all on this thread to vent! Thank you all for giving me someplace safe to go to...


----------



## dogodisney

When your MIL starts just tell her that "you dont have time to deal with all that and it's not going to change anything", then either walk away or if you are on the phone say you need to hang up and do it. 

Don't let your in-laws get to you and don;t blame yourself for your DH's illness. It NOT your fault! Be happy that you DID take those vacations and made special memories together.


----------



## PrincessKsMom

OP I'm so sorry.  I guess I should have kept my thoughts to myself.  I genuinely didn't mean to cause you any further pain or discomfort.  I hope you will continue to come to the DIS for solace and guidance.


----------



## amandamc8

PrincessKsMom said:


> OP I'm so sorry.  I guess I should have kept my thoughts to myself.  I genuinely didn't mean to cause you any further pain or discomfort.  I hope you will continue to come to the DIS for solace and guidance.



Please don't feel bad - you didn't cause me any pain... I suppose it just got me thinking about why I find it hard sometimes... And I certainly intend on continuing to come here, you guys have been great!


----------



## Pea-n-Me

Amanda


----------



## teskak

Then I would be blunt - your husband is your #1  priority, your daughter is #2 and staying sane yourself is #3.

Everything else does not count.  You are not here to be nice, caring, polite or compassionate  if it does not advance priorities 1 - 3.  If they are trying these sorts of back handed slaps about how they could notihave "caused" the cancer then, I agree to put the phone down.  

You are the supporter, gate keeper & champion for your husband, if they have annoyed you, then they do not get to see thier son.  I think it would take one night for the mother to realise what she has done and because of her need to see her son, she will play nice.

Similar for your daughter, if they want to have a relationship with her - behave.  Things said now will be remembered later.

Rather contraversial but you do not have the time or energy to deal with somebody else's problems.  If they are too slow getting to an understanding then send them to some of the websites or refer them to a counsellor.  They are not your priority and are just draining your family's energy.


----------



## DebbieinWA

Just want to say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  Hugs to you, your DH and your daughter.


----------



## tchrrx

for you and your family.  My grandfather also has advanced pancreatic cancer that has spread.  He was diagnosed in May.  He has always been healthy and never had any problems.  Then, he suddenly had severe stomach pains.  After a week in the hospital of testing for all sorts of things, they finally diagnosed him.  

He has spent the past two weeks in the hospital in pain.  Today, they brought him home and hospice will now be working with him.  It's so hard to see how much he has changed just in these last few weeks.  We, too, are looking at only a matter of weeks left with him. 

My little sister is getting married in two weeks and grandpa's goal is to be at her wedding.  It's not looking very hopeful, but we are all praying for the best.  I hate to see him 'live' his life like this.


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## Charleyann

Thinking of you and wishing you the best. God give you strength....

God Bless

Charley


----------



## WebmasterMaryJo

I just wanted to add that you have my sympathy right now, as well.  My own father had pancreatic cancer, and my mother had another illness 10 years before and passed away. I can relate to how you are feeling with the unkind comments from the inlaws.  

You are doing the best you can right now. You and your own immediate family, and only you really understand what you are going through.  I will pray for peace for you.


----------



## sarasotamom

:I am so sorry you are going through this. All we can do is take one day at a time. My family has battled cancer more than I care to think about this past year. May God be with you..Miracles do happen


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## PrincessKsMom

Amanda just wanted to check in.  Hope you are spending good, quality time with your family and enjoying each others' company and making memories.  Praying for you all and hoping for peace in your heart.


----------



## amandamc8

Hi Everyone

Well, it's now over 6 weeks and Miles is still here fighting... He is very weak now and needs his oxygen supply 24/7, but he is still able to drink his 'meal' shakes and has a few lucid hours every day.

We finally had a 'phone call from Christies on Monday afternoon offering us an appointment the following morning, but Miles is too ill to travel other than by ambulance and we tried everywhere, but it was too short notice to arrange a transfer, so now we have to wait for another appointment. We talked it through with our GP and Macmillan nurse and they both felt that Miles was too ill to try the journey anyway, especially as it is likely they could only confirm bad news and tell us there is nothing they can try either.

Miles has now lost a third of his bodyweight and is so very emaciated, I think it would be delusional of me to think chemo would even be a possibilty, and Miles has said that he isn't sure he would want to try it anyway. He values what little quality of life he has too much to risk it for something that at best might offer him a very little amount of extra time. Although his cancer is pancreatic, and has spread to other places, it is the secondary tumours in his lungs that are the biggest issue, and we are told they are so hard to do anything about. It is his decision, and I will support him 100% whatever he wants to do - regardless of how certain other people in his family may feel...

We've had a few difficult days this week - Miles had awoke mid panic attack in the middle of the night on Tuesday and really thought that his time had come, he couldn't get his breath at all and his pulse was so fast... I have to admit I thought I might have been losing him. I felt so helpless, all I could do was hold him and tell him how much we loved him and listen to what he thought were going to be his last words. My heart is still breaking now... He says that it hadn't really hit him until then how little time he had - he never asked how long he had and doesn't know what I was told. Our Macmillan nurse didn't think he would make it through August yet here we are, he is such a fighter!

We shall keep trying to make the most of every minute that we have, even if the best we can manage is watching a little TV together as a family... It's funny how the most mundane of things can suddenly be a source of pleasure.

Thanks for 'listening' again and for all your thoughts and prayers - it really does help! 

Amanda x


----------



## dogodisney

All my best to all of you.


----------



## karen l

Amanda, continued prayers for you & your family.  It's hard to stay strong when dealing with such a devastating illness. You're so right about enjoying the little things - they're great memories.  God Bless.


----------



## michelleiada

Amanda, my heart breaks for you as I read through this thread.  I can only imagine the pain and anguish you are feeling. Life can be so unfair.  I am not a religious person either, but find myself praying for you, your husband Miles, and your children.  I hope that God gives you the strength and courage to get through difficult time in your life.


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## DutchsMommy

Sendin' big hugs your way kiddo!


----------



## AnnaS

Hugs and prayers to all of you.  Hang in there.  I am glad you can come here and talk/let it out.  It does help.  It's therapy.  It helped me also when my husband got sick two years ago.  I did not even know what I was saying half the time.

I find it so hard to come over this forum since I start crying before finishing a paragraph.  I read a lot.

It is so hard.  I am trying to comfort my mom now too who was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  She is having surgery tomorrow.  She of course is not the first.  It is so sad how much cancer is all around us.

My neighbor and very good friend of 23 years just finished chemo for colon cancer and my husband's brother is dealing with chemo now and is really not doing well.  It started with melanoma a few years ago and came back.  It is now in the pancreas, lungs, brain, and liver.  He is in his early 40s with three kids.

As many others, I have a hard time trying to understand sometimes.  I pray and pray.

We are all here for you.


----------



## PrincessKsMom

AnnaS --  and prayers for you and your family, as well as continued prayers, hugs and pixie dust for Amanda and her family.


----------



## amandamc8

hi everyone,

just a quick update, Miles decided it was time to ask for a stay in our local hospice and went onto the wait list on Monday.

I will be taking him to the Macmillan this morning. It's very unfortunate that it has to be the today as it is his Mum's birthday, but we are lucky that a bed became available so quickly - and the sooner he is in there, the sooner he can benefit from their wonderful care. The hospice is only a few miles away, and it is a lovely place... Hayley and I can stay 24hrs a day if we want to, and all they ask from visitors is that they are considerate with their visiting times and don't tire the patients out, so there will still be plenty of opportunity for people to spend time wth him.


We are hoping that it will be a stay to control his symptoms and that he will feel like coming back home in a week or so - I'm not delusional, I know this might not be the case at all, but I am clutching at whatever straws I can.

We had a lovely talk about all our wonderful Disney memories last night, and Miles told us that we must keep returning to the magic for him and not feel bad about doing so, because re-living his favourite times will keep him alive forever, and that he will be right there with us... It's so hard to imagine ever doing anything without him, but I kow he is right - it is exactly how I would feel if it was me...

I'll probably be offline for a few days, I'm not sure if they have internet access t the hospice, but i'll let you know how he is doing when I can. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, you have all been such wonderful support. Thank you for giving me someplace safe to talk,

Amanda xx


----------



## Mackey Mouse

Amanda.. I am just reaching out here to you after just losing my beloved Tom to this disease October 1....his was in his lungs and neck when it came back.   I know how hard this must be for you all and I just wanted to say know that you are doing the best you can and know that whatever choices you make are the right ones for Miles....something I have to reassure myself of everyday.   We did do hospice, but we did it at home, he passed with me holding him.....probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.   I do believe if I had had a positive experience with the hospice house in our area, I might have tried that, but I did not......and so I am at peace knowing that he died in his own bed, in his own house, with his daughters and me......we were able to privately hire special nurses that just guided us through..... they stayed out of the way, but were there for us if we got frightened...

Stay strong, sleep in shifts if you can and just be there with him on his journey.. 

Marsha


----------



## DutchsMommy

Hi Amanda,

Thinking about you today and hoping the transition to the hospice goes well and helps him be comfortable.  Glad to hear you guys are take the opportunity to talk and talk and talk......


----------



## luvmarypoppins

Amanda, lifting Miles, you and Hayley up in prayer in the days ahead. Blessings to you all during this most difficult time. Praying for peace, comfort and Gods strength for you.


----------



## amandamc8

Miles passed away at just before 3am this morning. The hospice had set us up with a family room and Hayley and I hadn't left his side all the time he was there. The nurses had set a bed up so that I could sleep by his side last night, and we fell asleep holding hands. It was the first time I had slept since we got there on Wednesday morning, and I think he was waiting for me to settle so that he could slip away calmly.

He wasn't in any pain and was very calm at the end. He was heavily sedated, but even before then he hadn't really been properly alert for days. I think he was ready to go last week, he was so very very tired, but he wanted to let his Mum's birthday pass on the 7th first. He told the doctors on Wednesday that he was too tired to fight anymore and that although he hadn't been ready at home, he felt calmer at the hospice. He said he was scared to die and felt as if the doors were closing on him, but that he thought it might be nice when they finally did. He never said he was suffering, he was always so brave and didn't want us to be upset, but he had been struggling to take even the smallest breath for a couple of weeks.

He came round briefly on Thursday and told Hayley and I how how much he loved us both and that he was sorry he couldn't stay with us any more. He said he had the best years anyone could wish for and never dreamed he could be so happy. He told Hayley how proud he was of her everyday and that we should try to think of him happily and not be too sad for too long, he would always be by our sides. He said that he thought they were coming for him now so he wanted to tell us bye-bye, then drifted back off to sleep. He woke again very briefly that night and waved his fingers at me and smiled, then on Friday took his oxygen mask of to say I love you and we had chance to just give him a little kiss, and although he wasn't awake I am sure he knew what he was doing.

He was such a lovely man, a wonderful husband and a fantastic Dad, and it's so hard that only 13 weeks ago he still OK. He lived for 7 weeks 2 days from his diagnosis. We were on holiday at the end of April having a wonderful time with no idea that even the slightest thing was wrong. I guess in some ways it is a blessing that it was so quick, but that doesn't make it any easier. We were so lucky to have had him with us, and there is never enough time for anyone, but our time was so very short... we just feel broken. 

Hayley and I are at my parents at the moment just shuffling around trying things to distract us while we build up the courage to go back home, so I decided to take the opportunity to tell you what had happened. Hope I haven't gone on too much, but it helps so much to write it all down.

Thanks to everyone here for your support, so many of you coping with your own tragedies too... I don't have anyone in my life who understands how it feels to have the plans for the rest of your life erased at such an early age. I know that everyone has to go, but it's so unfair that the best are taken from us so young.

Amanda x


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## PrincessKsMom

Amanda I'm so sorry.  Take comfort in the fact that your husband is now at peace and without pain.  We'll be here for you in the days and weeks to come, and hope you come here for strength, to vent or just to cry whenever you need to.  My sympathies to you and your family.


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## karen l

Amanda,  I'm so very sorry for your & Hayley's loss of Miles.  It's so very hard to even think after such a tragedy.  I found my children to be a great gift from my DH after I lost him to cancer.  I hope you & Hayley can help each other deal with your grief.  
Knowing that Miles is now at peace is a blessing. He no longer has to deal with the cancer. 
Please let us know how you & Hayley are doing.  Your friends here on the boards understand how difficult this time is for the both of you.  God Bless.


----------



## Pea-n-Me

I am so sorry for your loss. You all continue to be very much in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Charleyann

Thinking of you  and Hayley......

charleyann


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## AnnaS

Oh Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss.  You and Hailey are in my prayers - it is never easy.  He is not suffering anymore.

My bil's doctors just told him to go home basically since there is nothing else they can do for him and gave him 3-4 months.  They are of course in panic mode and are looking for other options/opinions, etc.  It is so hard on everyone - especially the spouse, children and parents.

Hugs to you and take one day at a time.


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## antmaril

Amanda:

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## minniebeth

Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss  You and Hayley are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## goofy4tink

Amanda, I'm so very sorry your beloved Miles has passed. Such sad news. I'll add you all to my prayers.....those prayers are getting too long lately. It's all so sad.


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## lookingforward

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.


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## luvmarypoppins

Amanda I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Miles. I will keep you and Hayley in my prayers in the days ahead.


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## michelleiada

Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss of Miles.  Even though I do not know you, I am crying for you and for Haley and can only imagine the immense pain that you are feeling.  I would like to send you a warm hug and want you to know that people across the globe are thinking of you and praying for you tonight.  How much your lives have changed in such a short time.  Miles was a very brave man and so are you and Haley.   He will always be with you.  He is in your hearts always and will live on forever in your daughter Haley.  May you find peace in knowing that Miles no longer suffers in pain and struggles for breath, and he has gone to a better place.  You and Haley now have your very own Angel watching over you.  Please keep us posted on how you are both doing as you return to your home and your life without Miles.  I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers.


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## dogodisney

May your memories comfort you. God Bless you and Haley and may he give you peace and strength.


----------



## Snowysmom

I am so sorry for your loss.  I will keep you and Hayley in my prayers.


----------



## DutchsMommy

Amanda, I was really sad to come to your post and learn of Miles' passing.  I know it is a crazy busy time now with family and friends and arrangements to be made.  Remember we are here when things quiet down a bit and sometime the days and nights are long.  Big BIG hugs to you and Hayley at this difficult time.    (they dont have a good enough smiley that doesnt look cheesy but hopefully you know what I mean!)


----------



## accarson

I am sorry for your loss. You and daughter will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## j's m

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about Miles passing. I will keep your family in my prayers.


----------



## Elfstar

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'll keep you and Haley in my prayers.  You've both been through a very challenging experience, and yet it was rewarding, too.  Miles had you both with him, you all went through this together - tough for you and Haley but such a blessing for miles.  God bless you both.


----------



## Mackey Mouse

Amanda.. not sure if I already responded here, but please know this I am truly sorry to read about Miles' passing... I hate PC... I hate it more than words can even say.   All I can say is this you have to know you did everything in your power to fight this dread disease and so did Miles and now you have to go through this horrific grieving process which, to me, it seems there is no end.   My heart is broken for you and for myself having just lost my husband to this dread disease.. 

Take care of you and Hayley.. 
Marsha


----------



## CarolynU

I don't know what to say other than I am so so sorry for your sad and sudden loss.  You must just want to rewind the clock to last April when you were all together and happy and had no idea that this awful tragedy was around the corner.
I just don't understand this life sometimes. There seems no ryhme nor reason for the tragedies that befall the best people.
I do know what you are going through though having been there. Take Care my friend.


----------



## Dan Murphy

So very sorry, Amanda.    My condolences for you and your family, you all are in my prayers.  God speed for your Miles.


----------



## amandamc8

Hello Everyone

It's two weeks today since Miles passed, and we are not coping well at all. I know it's very early days, but I feel like it just keeps getting harder. Miles funeral is taking place on Tuesday, and I have no idea how on earth we will get through it.

People always ask how we are doing today, like it should be different than yesterday. I know everyone means well, but I just feel like screaming! The thing is, if you tell people how you are really feeling they get uncomfortable, or say well it's still early, or start trying to offer you words of wisdom... So we just say 'up & down'... The reality is I'm not eating properly, barely sleeping and I can't see the point in anything. Even looking after Hayley doesn't inspire me to want to keep going. 

One year ago today we were just starting a two week land and sea vacation at the Beach Club, we would just be checking in right now. We were so happy and had so much to look forward to in life and now it's all just gone. I don't know how to keep going. 

Manda xx


----------



## safetymom

I am so sorry for your loss.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Many days it was too painful to take two steps forward in dealing with our loss.  Many days I might take one step forward and 3 steps back.  There were days if I thought more than 10 minutes ahead I couldn't handle it. It does get softer but it takes time. Sending hugs and prayers.


----------



## PrincessKsMom

Just take it one day at a time.  There's nothing else you can do.     Continued prayers for you and Hayley.


----------



## minniebeth

I'm thinking of you and Haley


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## michelleiada

Amanda and Haley, I think of you daily and wonder how you are coping.  Nothing is normal anymore for either of you.  Your reality frightens me terribly and makes me thankful for each day that I have with my precious family.  People think that things like this will never happen to them but the fact is...it happens.   People get sick.  Love ones are lost everyday.  It is such a difficult thing for us to accept.  Once again, I wish for peace for you and the strength to get through the next several days, weeks, months, and years!  May you know happiness again one day.


----------



## dogodisney

Please take care of yourself. Although we did not know Miles, by the way you have talked about him, I know he would not want you to give up. Haley needs you now more than ever. 

Please keep coming here to talk. You really need to be expressing how you feel. It will help make you feel better and come to terms with your loss.



God Bless You and give you the strength that you need.


----------



## karen l

Amanda,  I know how difficult it is just coping.  Let your family & friends help you with the funeral - I know I barely remember my DH's.  I just wanted it over with.  Hayley will be a great solace for you - just try to cope with each day & don't try to think too much about the future.  As my kids & I tried to accept life without my DH & their Dad, we found we had to focus on all the wonderful things we shared together.  Memories of holidays, birthdays & vacations are so important to us all.  I hope you & Hayley can get away together to recover physically & mentally.  You never got over such a tragedy but you learn to cope.  My kids are my reason for living & a beautiful reminder of my DH.  Please let us know how you're coping.  You & your family are in my prayers.  Take care.


----------



## DutchsMommy

Hi Amanda,

Just checking in.  I dont have anything brilliant or insightful to say (big surprise LOL) just sending my thoughts your way.  Hope you're still keeping up the talking with Hayley - if she's anything like me she's not used to seeing you not 'in control' and is worried about you and doesnt know what to say or how to act around you....I think from my perspective just opening up the lines of communication - even if it is sleeping in the same bed, watching movies, TV etc and accepting that this is new territory for both of you is the best thing right now.  Big hugs and always an open ear are here for you.


----------



## DisOrBust

amandamc8 said:


> Hello Everyone
> 
> It's two weeks today since Miles passed, and we are not coping well at all. I know it's very early days, but I feel like it just keeps getting harder. Miles funeral is taking place on Tuesday, and I have no idea how on earth we will get through it.
> 
> People always ask how we are doing today, like it should be different than yesterday. I know everyone means well, but I just feel like screaming! The thing is, if you tell people how you are really feeling they get uncomfortable, or say well it's still early, or start trying to offer you words of wisdom... So we just say 'up & down'...
> 
> Manda xx




I have been there and I wish I had some earth shattering advise but I don't.  Go thru this time minute by minute with your daughter.  I  hated when people would say "If there is anything I can do..."  I always thought that it'a code for "oh god I hope she doesn't ask me for help."  Your emotions are raw right now and it warps your point of view.  Your job isn't to help anyone else besides your daughter with their grief.  Try to concentrate on your DD  she the most important part of Miles you get to keep.

A big mistake I made was thinking it would get better dealing with all the aftermath later.  It only holds you back later from moving forward.  I'm 18 months out and I still can't get myself to buy a tombstone because then it's final.

Everyone is here for you to vent to.  Sometimes strangers who don't have their own emotional investment in your loss can be the most helpful.

Good luck tomorrow!  I'll be thinking of you and your DD.


Sue


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## dogodisney

Just wanted to send . You'll be in my thoughts today.


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## teskak

Thinking of you today.

It is only one day at a time, and yes, the "is there anything I can do" goes hand in hand with people wanting to know all of the details of the last few months.  Eventually you get the standard phrases to use to respond that do not hurt you and gets them out of your way.

As for dealing with the pain, it is everyday.  Something I found useful was to pick times when I was alone and really feel the pain, just as much as I could handle.  I found the radio to be useful with certain songs that had special meaning, at the end of the 3 minutes I felt slightly better and a bit lighter so I could go on for the next few hours.  Just my experience,but trying to protect against the pain just seems to make it worse.


----------



## irenep

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. 
I can't really add much to what has already been said already. There are lots of wise words here. 
My thoughts are with you, especially today.


----------



## amandamc8

Hello Everyone

One year ago today we were checking in to the Disney Wonder for our Halloween cruise. It's going to be a tough few days thinking about our lovely time...



DutchsMommy said:


> Hi Amanda,
> 
> Hope you're still keeping up the talking with Hayley - if she's anything like me she's not used to seeing you not 'in control' and is worried about you and doesnt know what to say or how to act around you....I think from my perspective just opening up the lines of communication - even if it is sleeping in the same bed, watching movies, TV etc and accepting that this is new territory for both of you is the best thing right now.



We are trying to talk, but it's the other ways of communicating that seem to be helping us more at the moment... Hayley moved into our bedroom straight after Miles died, it's the place we both feel closest to him. We watch video of our holidays, get out the photo albums, talk about the things we did... We do also try and make sure we do something unrelated to Miles everyday too. Sometimes though, we drift off into our own space and thoughts, but I think that's OK too...

We had another blow last Saturday when a lovely long time aquaintance of mine dropped dead completely unexpectedly from a brain anuerism. She was only 36 years old and left behind 5 children aged from 4-18, she seperated from her husband 18 months ago and the kids don't really have a relationship with their Dad. Life is so unfair to so many people...

Miles' funeral was on Tuesday, and it was lovely in a very heart breaking way. Miles had left a letter that he wanted reading out at the service, and we had talked about music and how he would like to be remembered, so I knew what was right for him. Over 120 people came to pay their respects at what I feel was a very individual service - it was an unique as Miles, even his coffin was customised. I think he would have loved it! Hayley & I went to Alton Towers theme park for an overnight stay on Wednesday night, we just needed to be away from everything. It was so very hard being anywhere without Miles, but i think it was the best thing for us to do. We were just able to be anonymous for a while...

We had more bad news yesterday though. Our close friends had a baby boy just a few days before Miles died, and they asked if we would mind their paying tribute to him by naming the baby after him. Of course, we were so touched that they even considered it, and my Miles would be pleased as punch... I had a message from his mum this time yesterday telling me that he has been taken into our local special care baby unit with suspected meningitis. She promised to let me know how he progressed, but none of our friends has heard anything since... 

We are trying not to panic, but we're so scared for him, it's just too much for us all to take... You always think that tragedies happen to other people, people you don't know, but they are not so rare after all. But poor little baby Myles is not even four weeks old yet, it is just too cruel. Please keep him in your thoughts for us...

 xx


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## safetymom

Sending hugs.


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## teskak

We are still here, and we are still checking in.  You did the best thing by getting away  for a period, nobody knows you and nobody wants to know all of those details.

Treasure those times away where you are just a mum & a daughter.

Check in here when you can


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## amandamc8

Just had news that baby Myles is on the mend, in fact they have allowed his mum to bring him home from the hospital! We are so glad... I  just don't think we could have coped with anything else...

It was Hayley's first day back at school since Miles' funeral today, and my first day in the house completely on my own. It's been a tough one for us both, especially as neither of us had alot of sleep last night - anxiety getting the better of us I think.

The house seems so very empty and sad, and we both feel so broken. We ventured out to the cinema on Halloween and it was so very hard, but we know that it won't get any easier if we don't push ourselves to do things. We spent Halloween last year on the Disney Wonder, and the year before at Mickey's not so scary party... wonderful memories but we were heartbroken all day. Lot's of 'firsts' to get through in the next few weeks... I'm lucky I found my long distance virtual support network here to help me through them - family and friends have already started to disappear a bit...

Amanda xx


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## PrincessKsMom

Amanda, I'm so glad to hear that baby Miles is doing well and heading home.  Sounds like you and your Hayley are slowly finding your way.  I'm glad you've been able to be there for her when she needs it, and she for you.  It also seems like this thread has become somewhat therapeutic for you in dealing with your loss.  Glad you have a place to go where you don't need to explain anything and can just be.


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## karen l

Amanda, we're glad you continue to come to the boards when you need to talk.  Please know we're all here for you & Hayley.  I also found it difficult after my DH's funeral - family seems to drift off & move on just when it's the most difficult time.  You never forget & there always some sadness - especially during the first year when you have to experience special days without your loved one.  Take comfort in all your wonderful memories & know you can come here for help.  God Bless & please take care.


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## DisneyFairytale

I just made the mistake to read this while at work and started crying into your first post. By the time I got to this one, I had to step away in the bathroom to finish wiping my tears.

You are one incredible women and I will be praying for your family tonight. Please continue to come on here and vent and build some friendships with the rest of us Disney fanatics. You are definitely someone I would love to get to know better and would be a priviledge to meet you in person on a Disney venture.

I know we are separated by the general openess of the forums but if there is anything I can do, PLEASE let me know.

All my love and prayers to you and your family from Canada  

....just know if you ever come on here to vent and cry, you can bet that as I read your threads I am doing the exact same thing on my end  

So much love is sent your way. Keep up the your adventures, always enjoy reading them!


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## zalansky

I haven't lost my DH, but I did lose mom to pancreatic cancer back in 1998 and then my dad to colon cancer in 2007. Those firsts are really hard to get through. When you're going through it, its hard to imagine a time when life will ever seem "normal" again. And truthfully, I don't ever know if it feels the same. But it does get better, much better. There will be a time when you can look back on your memories and they will make you smile instead of making you cry. Don't get me wrong, its been over 11 years and I think of my mom every day, I cry sometimes too...especially holidays, those are tough. All you can do is take it one day at a time like others have mentioned. Trust that you and your DD will get through this, and that you will be able to move on. Miles would have wanted that for you both. Hugs


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## DutchsMommy

Hi Amanda   (this is the dumbest icon and it always give me a bit of a chuckle so I thought I would open with it )

Sorry to hear so much crappy stuff has been going on around you lately.  I found afterwards I was very attuned to bad stuff in general and cancer stuff even more.  I was terrified they would announce they found a cure for pancreatic cancer (I know, selfish of me) right after my mum passed.  Does make you wonder about fairness in life sometimes..... 

I was thinking, maybe do you want to start a book club or something online - maybe something to chat about.  I imagine Thanksgiving (yours is coming up I think, our turkey sandwiches have long been eaten!) is going to be tough and Christmas for sure....just thinking it might be fun to have something to chat about.  Maybe Hayley too??  Anyway - no pressure, just a thought of something you could do with us here to give you a little fun.

Anyway - best wishes for the coming days and hope to hear back from you soon.


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## DutchsMommy

DutchsMommy said:


> Hi Amanda   (this is the dumbest icon and it always give me a bit of a chuckle so I thought I would open with it )
> 
> Sorry to hear so much crappy stuff has been going on around you lately.  I found afterwards I was very attuned to bad stuff in general and cancer stuff even more.  I was terrified they would announce they found a cure for pancreatic cancer (I know, selfish of me) right after my mum passed.  Does make you wonder about fairness in life sometimes.....
> 
> I was thinking, maybe do you want to start a book club or something online - maybe something to chat about.  I imagine Thanksgiving (yours is coming up I think, our turkey sandwiches have long been eaten!) is going to be tough and Christmas for sure....just thinking it might be fun to have something to chat about.  Maybe Hayley too??  Anyway - no pressure, just a thought of something you could do with us here to give you a little fun.
> 
> Anyway - best wishes for the coming days and hope to hear back from you soon.



OK - my bad - strangely I assumed you were from the USA - but NO you are from the UK - 'The Shires' - like in the Hobbit??  Just kidding....disregard my Thanksgiving post.  OK - stupid provincial question here - is there a UK equivalent to Thanksgiving??


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## amandamc8

Hi Everyone, thanks for all your messgaes of support.

It's one month today since we lost Miles, and I have to say that it's getting worse for us everyday... I know that sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can start to climb the hill again, but it feels as though we take at least 3 steps back everyday and somedays not even one forwards.

I have started to go into work for a few hours a day, I'm not rushing myself, it's just that the alternative is lying in bed all day crying. And I know I have to go back to a routine and it's not going to get easier because I put it off...

Hayley is sixteen next week, and thats going to be really tough for us. Miles chose a present for her, and had me bring home a card - but he never could bring himself to write it... think that might be a good thing in hindsight. She doesn't need a piece of cardboard to know how much he loved her - he showed her that every day. In the letter he left to be read out at his funeral he said this about her:

*"Lovely Hayley, I am so sorry that I had to leave you, and so sad for all the things in your life I will miss. Thank you for being so strong for me while I was ill and for giving me your time so freely. You have always been such a joy and an inspiration to be around, and from the first moment I held you in my arms you captivated me. Your hapiness was always my number one priority, and always will be. Please know that even though you cannot see me, I will always be watching over you. You make me so proud every single day "*

There will be so many hard times over the next few weeks... We'll keep trying our best though - minute by minute, day by day...

Disneyfairytale, thank you so much for your lovely message



> Please continue to come on here and vent and build some friendships with the rest of us Disney fanatics. You are definitely someone I would love to get to know better and would be a priviledge to meet you in person on a Disney venture.



Who knows, maybe some day we will meet! In the meantime, I hope that we can build a great online friendship!



DutchsMommy said:


> OK - my bad - strangely I assumed you were from the USA - but NO you are from the UK - 'The Shires' - like in the Hobbit??  Just kidding....disregard my Thanksgiving post.  OK - stupid provincial question here - is there a UK equivalent to Thanksgiving??



Actually, yes, like in the Hobbit - Tolkein lived here for quite a while and it's where his 'lands' are based on! And no, we don't really have an equivalent to thanksgiving... Thanks for your suggestion about the online book club - it sounds like a great idea, but I have no idea how to organised something like that. Maybe you could give me some ideas?

Anyway, once again, thanks to you all for your continued support - I really do appreciate it all so very much...

Amanda xx


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## DisOrBust

amandamc8 said:


> Hi Everyone, thanks for all your messgaes of support.
> 
> It's one month today since we lost Miles, and I have to say that it's getting worse for us everyday... I know that sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can start to climb the hill again, but it feels as though we take at least 3 steps back everyday and somedays not even one forwards.
> 
> I try to think of it as a roller coaster with many ups and downs.  You really never get off of it but you get use to the ride.
> 
> How is Hayley doing with school?  I assume she's back.  Are her friends being good to her?  At 16 kids can say some very stupid things without realizing it.  One of my DD friends became very angry at her because her parents were so heart broken for her that she felt neglected.  I think she felt more of a survivor's guilt and didn't know how to express her feelings.  It was dumb stuff like that that blind sided me.
> 
> Good for you for returning to work.  That's a major milestone you have behind you!


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## RabbitFood

I am so very sorry to read of the passing of your husband Miles. What a treasure he was!  The description of his last few days/moments with you are really touching and heartbreaking.

May you find peace in your memories.  I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.


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## help for everyone




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## Torontogal

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad to Pancreatic Cancer last year. It will be 2 years this Jan. and I still feel awful about it. Somedays I want to hit a wall. I am very sorry for your loss.


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## amandamc8

Well, it's now six weeks since Miles passed away, and to be honest it is still getting harder every day. I think that for the first few weeks there is so much that has to be done, and still in a state of shock, that the reality of the situation doesn't have chance to hit home properly. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I ever felt it was a bad dream or hadn't really happened, but it's not until your life has to return to some sort of 'normal' that the full weight of having to carry on  without the love of your life hits you.

We are all over the place emotionally, always either in tears or trying not to cry, so angry with everything and everyone... I know it is all part of the grief process but it doesn't make it any easier to get through. It was Hayley's 16th birthday on Friday, and it hit us like a brick wall when Miles wasn't there for her 'birthday routine'. It was also the awards night at her school last week and she came home with four awards, Miles would be so proud and it was so hard not being able to share it with him. Hayley is so brave and strong and was such a support to both of us while Miles was ill - and no 15 year  should have to sit and hold her dads hand while she watches him die. It all feels so very unfair.

We are off out today to attend a local festival that is being held to raise funds for pancreatic cancer research in the UK, hopefully we we will feel like we have done something positive then. We have also booked a short trip to Disneyland Paris for a few days just before Xmas. We had planned to go before we knew Miles was ill and he told us we should still go, and that he would be right there enjoying it with us. I hope that he is and that we can feel him somehow, perhaps it will make Xmas bearable for us. 

Amanda xx


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## dogodisney

Happy Birthday and Congratulations to Haley. She sounds like a great kid (young lady).

That's good that you area planning things to do. It does the soul good to have something to look forward to. I hope you both have a wonderful trip and you can enjoy yourselves.


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## PrincessKsMom

Hi Amanda.  Just wanted to check in and see how you are Hayley are doing.


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## tchrrx

My grandpa died from pancreatic cancer this afternoon.  It is hard to deal with, but I am so glad that he is no longer in pain.  My main concern at this time is for my grandma.  She has spent the past 6 1/2 months doing nothing but caring for him.  I know it will be a huge adjustment for her.


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## PrincessKsMom

tchrrx said:


> My grandpa died from pancreatic cancer this afternoon.  It is hard to deal with, but I am so glad that he is no longer in pain.  My main concern at this time is for my grandma.  She has spent the past 6 1/2 months doing nothing but caring for him.  I know it will be a huge adjustment for her.



So sorry for your loss.  Prayers for your family and particularly your grandma.


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## 312.Duck

It is stories like this which make me feel much better about the loss of my mother (in terms of age).  The more stories I read on various sites from surviving spouses and caregivers, the more frightening this becomes for this 41 year old - I feel lucky to have made it this far.    

One would think that if one makes it beyond childhood they should be "in the clear" short of accidents, murder, _et al_, yet the time bombs in us all tick at different rates.  It is not fair, and not right, and really causes one to question their faith.

Amanda, while I do not believe it's going to get any easier for you immediately, certain things are obvious - your thoughts are lucid, Miles is with you in spirit, and you have the most important reason to carry on with Hayley.  Peace.


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## DutchsMommy

Hopefully you are in Disneyland Paris right now and enjoying yourselves!  I am sure it is a very difficult time and my thoughts are with you guys.    Wishing you some peace in 2010.


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## amandamc8

Hello Again everyone, thanks for thinking about us...

It's now coming up for 11 weeks since we lost Miles, and I have no idea how we have made it through the days, but somehow we have managed to keep going. We still have our ups and downs, but I'm sure we will for a long time yet...



DutchsMommy said:


> Hopefully you are in Disneyland Paris right now and enjoying yourselves!  I am sure it is a very difficult time and my thoughts are with you guys.    Wishing you some peace in 2010.



I'm sad to say that our trip to Disneyland Paris had to be cancelled at the very last minute due to the extreme weather conditions in Paris  We were actually on the plane waiting to take off when we were told that the French Aviation authority had announced they could not allow any more planes to land in Paris as the conditions were dangerous  I tried to get us Eurostar tickets but there was nothing available from anywhere until two days later, and we only had a three day trip planned.

I got a refund for our plane tickets, and thought we would have to claim of our insurance for the hotel costs. But, when I phoned and explained our situation, the good folk at Disney allowed us to change our dates free of charge! So after much ado, we are now booked to go on January 3rd  We will still get to see the Xmas decorations, but it does mean Hayley will miss 2 days of school - I'm sure they will understand though... I really think we need to get away from everything, and I'm sure we will be even more ready for a break after Xmas, Miles birthday and the New year.

Anyway, I hope that you all have a wonderful time this Xmas. I can't say we are lookiong forward to it, but we're not dreading it as much as I expected - I think that Miles is helping us to get through it somehow...

 Amanda xx


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## DutchsMommy

Thanks for the update.  That sucks about your trip!!  What a bummer, but at least right now you are looking forward to your January replacement trip!  Hope you have a nice time and weather cooperates for you.  We are heading down to Florida in January and I cant wait, as it is minus 20 degrees here today with wind chill.......bbbbbrrrrrrrrr


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## PrincessKsMom

Amanda, I'm sorry to hear that things went awry with your planned trip.  Hopefully you and Hayley will be able to find a small bit of happiness in your trip once you've been through the hardest parts of your "firsts" without Miles.  Sending you thoughts of easier days and peace in your hearts.


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## amandamc8

Hello Everyone

Well, it's 16 weeks today since I lost my lovely DH and there has been so much that we have had to get through so quickly... Our Great Nieces 1st Birthday, Nephew's 18th, Nephew's 21st, Hayley's 16th, Xmas, Miles birthday, New year and my 40th birthday. So many events that should have been lovely celebrations that were turned into the saddest of times for us all. I know that Miles would not want us to be so sad, but we miss him so very, very much.

We are getting by as best we can, but still seem to be falling down the cliff at the moment. I think we do a good impression of getting by - or I hope that is why no one contacts us to check how we are any more. It's so sad, I have family and friends all close by, yet we are so lonely... I know that many find it difficult to know what to do or say, and are scared of saying the wrong thing so they stay away. The thing is, they don't need to do or say anything to try and make it better. We are broken, and nothing they can do will fix us, just some company and a reason to actually keep the house tidy would be good. And it would be nice to know that people are thinking of us...

We did eventually manage to get safely to our break at Disneyland Paris, and although there were some very emotional moments for us, I think it was the right thing to do. I think that we needed to know that we were capable of doing things without Miles, and we did feel like he was with us. 

Our next big challenge comes in just over two weeks, when we are off to the Animal Kingdom Lodge for a week. We had some DVC points that would be lost if we didn't use them before the end of March - and Miles would not be pleased if they were wasted - so we decided to give it a go. I think we are torn between looking forward to a break, feeling sad that it will be without Miles, and being completely terrified of being so far away from home on our own! Still, we'll never know if we don't give it a try.

Thanks once again to everyone who has offered their support on this thread. It is amazing how the kindness of strangers can help to get you through when the people you love and hoped you could depend on seem to be letting you down 

Amanda


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## dogodisney

Amanda, I am so happy that you came by to give us an update. I'm sorry all the "firsts" have been so hard on you. 
I'm happy that you and Haley survived your trip and am happy for you that you will get to go to WDW. You and Haley will cherish these times that the two of you are sharing. Making new memeories will be rewarding to the both of you. 

Can I make a suggestion? I think it would be beneficial to you as well as your family and friends if you email the 2nd paragraph of your post to them. It may do you good to get it off your chest and good for them so they know how you are feeling. It may be the eye opener that they need to see that you are lonely and that they _are_ needed. 

Remember we are here for you.


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## Dizney_Luver




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## karen l

Hi Amanda,
reading your posts is like deja vu for me.  I can so relate to the way people are acting toward you & Hayley.  People tend to think that because you get back to everyday life everything's ok for you.  My DH has been gone for several years & my kids & I still miss him a great deal.  We can talk about him when we're together but friends are uncomfortable when we talk about him.  
I'm so glad you & Hayley made your trip to Disneyland Paris.  First trips are difficult but you can make some new memories & Miles would be so proud of you.  Three months after my DH passed, I drove from Massachusetts to Pennsylvania with my kids.  This was a trip we'd done several times with my DH & we wanted to go there because we had so many wonderful memories.  I was so nervous driving there alone with the kids but we made it.  I was exhausted from all the driving because Jim had always done all the driving on our previous trips. However, the exhaustion didn't matter because the trip was a new bonding experience for us.  This was our first trip without my DH but, as you said, we felt him there with us. 
I hope you have a wonderful trip in two weeks.  You'll be fine - WDW is a great place to get away &  relax. 
Just remember, your friends are here on the boards whenever you need to talk.   Wishing you & Hayley all the best.


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## amandamc8

Hello Everyone

Thanks for all your messages of support over the last few months. Just thought I would drop by with a quick update

Well its now just over 5 months since Miles died, but in many ways it seems like 5 days ago. We are very slowly starting to get used to a new daily routine, but that doesnt mean that it hurts any less. We take each day as it comes and do whatever it is that we need to to get us through the days challenges.

We had a lovely break at Disney a few weeks ago, and although we were a bit nervous about travelling so far on our own, we were fine. We had our moments of tears and sadness, but we did start to remember the good times and smile. And it is hard to be constantly sad when the sun is shining and everywhere you go there are hundreds of people all trying to make sure that you are having a magical time. 

Unfortunately we came back to reality with a bang when my Nana died the morning we got home.  She was 92 and ready to go be with my Grandad, but it is still so sad to lose her. I just wish that I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to her, but obviously it wasnt meant to be.

Thanks again everyone, hope that you are all well.

Amanda


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## minniebeth

Amanda, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Nana~ may she rest in peace.
I still think of you and hope that day by day you and your DD are finding peace with a new normal. 
Blessings to you both~


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## PrincessKsMom

Amanda, I'm so sorry for your further loss.  

I'm glad you're beginning to find the joy in life again, even if only briefly.  I recently had a friend whose husband passed away unexpectedly - on his 43rd birthday -- from a heart attack.  She posted a beautiful poem that I thought might help you explain your feelings to others.  I'll PM it to you as it is somewhat lengthy.


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## DisneyFairytale

Amanda,
So glad to hear you went on that trip after all even will the horrible weather in Europe, it is so unusual for them to have that kind of sudden weather change.
But anyways, glad you guys had fun. I think it's one of the reasons I hold Disney so close to my heart, because we have so many memories attached and wrapped around that magic. So many things we cried over and recovered from. Disney let us get away from it all and enjoy what we do have. I am so glad to hear you were able to do that.

All my prayers and thoughts to you both.


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## amandamc8

Hello Everyone

Just thought that I would stop by and let you know how Hayley and I are getting on...

It's now nearly 8 months since we lost Miles. We are still having very low days, but the times that we feel quite stable are thankfully getting longer - but now when the crash comes, it really comes hard. That said, we are taking each day as it comes and trying to make the most of our 'new normal'. It's hard, but I know how hard Miles fought to keep his life and I don't want to dishonour him by not trying our very best to make the most of ours.

Family and friends want so much to 'fix' us, but of course they simply cannot do that, and most of them still shy away and avoid any situations where we may get upset, and people very rarely talk about Miles - or even allow us to talk about him. I know it is because they don't know what to do (we are a funny old lot in the UK, and not good at sharing emotions) but it does hurt sometimes.

Hayley is just finishing her final high school exams and then she has a break until college starts in September. It's a stressful time for any child, but she has held herself together so well through everything and I am so very proud of her (as is her Dad too I am sure). We have a couple of trips booked over summer, we find that being away from everything and everyone for a little while gives us strength to come back and continue our journey through our grief - and I wanted to do something to mark the end of her high school education. So we are off to Mexico in a couple of weeks and then we cruise the med on the Magic at the end of July. It will be bitter-sweet, but I'm sure it will do us good, and I know that Miles would be happy that we are trying to do something nice for ourselves.

We have had some more sad news recently, Miles' cousin has just been diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer and it has already spread to her spine and her liver. She is having hormone therapy & chemo, but the prognosis is not too hopeful. She is only 48 and is a mum to a 19 year old son - the world can certainly be a cruel place.

Anyway, I hope that you are all OK. Thanks for all of your messages and thoughts over the last few months. Take care, 

Manda


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## PrincessKsMom

It was so sweet of you to stop by and let us know how you and Hayley are coping.  It's nice that you will be spending some alone/away time with Hayley before she starts college in September.  It will be another big adjustment for you both, I'm sure, but know that your being there for Hayley and being strong in the face of such adversity is making it that much easier for her to continue to move forward through her life.   

Your ability to deal with such a loss and your willingness to continue to share your journey with us is truly inspirational.  I can only hope that you are finding some peace and a certain ease as each day passes.  

I'm truly sorry to hear about Miles' cousin and pray that she will be kept comfortable while fighting this wretched disease.  And, of course, for her son.


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## minniecarousel

I'm late in coming to your thread, but I wish continued strength to get by. It must seem terribly cruel that the rest of the world gets by, when you're suffering. You're right in that you must honor him by living the best life you can!


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## DisneyFairytale

amandamc8 said:


> Hello Everyone
> 
> Just thought that I would stop by and let you know how Hayley and I are getting on...
> 
> It's now nearly 8 months since we lost Miles. We are still having very low days, but the times that we feel quite stable are thankfully getting longer - but now when the crash comes, it really comes hard. That said, we are taking each day as it comes and trying to make the most of our 'new normal'. It's hard, but I know how hard Miles fought to keep his life and I don't want to dishonour him by not trying our very best to make the most of ours.
> 
> Family and friends want so much to 'fix' us, but of course they simply cannot do that, and most of them still shy away and avoid any situations where we may get upset, and people very rarely talk about Miles - or even allow us to talk about him. I know it is because they don't know what to do (we are a funny old lot in the UK, and not good at sharing emotions) but it does hurt sometimes.
> 
> Hayley is just finishing her final high school exams and then she has a break until college starts in September. It's a stressful time for any child, but she has held herself together so well through everything and I am so very proud of her (as is her Dad too I am sure). We have a couple of trips booked over summer, we find that being away from everything and everyone for a little while gives us strength to come back and continue our journey through our grief - and I wanted to do something to mark the end of her high school education. So we are off to Mexico in a couple of weeks and then we cruise the med on the Magic at the end of July. It will be bitter-sweet, but I'm sure it will do us good, and I know that Miles would be happy that we are trying to do something nice for ourselves.
> 
> We have had some more sad news recently, Miles' cousin has just been diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer and it has already spread to her spine and her liver. She is having hormone therapy & chemo, but the prognosis is not too hopeful. She is only 48 and is a mum to a 19 year old son - the world can certainly be a cruel place.
> 
> Anyway, I hope that you are all OK. Thanks for all of your messages and thoughts over the last few months. Take care,
> 
> Manda



Glad to see you guys are doing so much better. I think with time, your heart will heal some more and you are going to be looking up more and more. And yes, the world can be cruel. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor 4 years ago(but is doing ok for now), and my dad was diagnosed 1 month ago, also with a brain tumor and has just 1-2 weeks left to live. He is also 59. I'm 25.

I wish we could get the answers we deserve. All we can is pray for now.


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## amandamc8

Hello Everyone!

Well, Christmas is almost upon us, it's now 14 months since we lost Miles, and as we have just returned from Disneyworld the support that you guys have given us has been very much on my mind...

Last time I posted Hayley was just about to take her final exams, and I am very proud to say that she did so well... She is now at college studying applied maths with art and graphic design as a secondary (we do it a little differently in the UK so that may not make much sense, but it's a good thing!)

We went to mexico with my in-laws to celebrate the end of her studies in July, which was bitter-sweet but good for us, then cruised the Med on the Magic a few weeks later, which was even better for us!

Hayley has settled into college well, and we were able to take a quick break in Disney and see my husbands family the week before last... We spoke to the college and they understand that this was not just a holiday, but a way to pay homage to Miles and spend time with his family, and so all is good for her studies.

We were hoping that our 2nd xmas would be easier, but to be honest it is just different. Maybe next year... We couldn't face the thought of xmas with the 'empty chair' and everyone doing thier 'happy families' things, so we are off cruising round the Caribbean (fingers crossed that the snow doesn't stop us!)

Just wanted to send you all our very best wishes for Xmas and a happy and healthy 2011... Thanks to you all for all off your support - it means so much!

Much love, Manda. xx


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## PrincessKsMom

I'm so glad you and Hayley seem to have found your way and have begun creating happy memories, together with his family.  Sounds like she's doing beautifully in school and I'm so proud of you.  It must have been hard to let her go and spread her wings, but you knew it was for the best.  

I began crying reading your post because you are a truly thoughtful and giving soul.  To remember us with everything else that has come to pass... well that just made me cry.  I continue to send prayers and pixie dust for you and Hayley.  May you continue to find your way and have happy memories and may you be blessed with a joyous, loving holiday season.


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## 312.Duck

amandamc8 - 

Thank you so much for checking in, and more so for not letting me forget this thread.  Your stories tear me up like few others I've read.  I mean that in a good way, in terms of life perspective.  I thought losing my mom was rough till I started discovering stories such as yours while looking for information during her fight.  

All my best to you and Hayley, 
312.Duck


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