Would you want to know?

[cabanafrau]

I feel very strongly that, in this particular case, the biological father should not contact the girl, as it should be her decision. I also don't think he should try to contact her parents, as they have pretty clearly indicated that they are not interested. I've also said that, in this case, I am having trouble feeling sympathy for the OP's husband, due to the unique circumstances.

That being said, I am disappointed at some of the attitudes on this thread toward people who give a child up for adoption. It seems like a few posters have lumped all of them together with the OP's husband. Often, the most caring and loving thing a parent can do is allow their child to be raised by someone else. Those decisions often take a great deal of courage to make. And, while those parents are not there to deal with all of the challenges of raising a child, they very well may hold that child in their heart forever. That may not make them "mom" or "dad," but it doesn't mean they're nothing, either.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm reading some things that seem overly harsh. Maybe most are actually directed at just the OP's husband, but some are written very generally and could be read as if they apply to all birth parents. I hope I'm wrong, since I would hate to see someone who made the decision to have their child be adopted feel as if they were a bad person for making that difficult decision. I know that some do it to walk away from responsibility, but I believe that most do it to give their child a better life. I've never been involved directly with adoption as a child or as a parent, though, so maybe I'm reading more into things than I should be.

Putting your child up for adoption must be a wrenching decision, even if you have no desire to parent. It absolutely is the most loving thing you can do to put your child into a position where they can have a loving family to care for and nurture them. If that is your single accomplishment as a parent you did your piece well and with the child's interests paramount. Nobody should throw shade on that choice.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm not saying there aren't. (Also, you're making assumptions about me). But biological father is an accurate term for a man who gave up a child for adoption.

I am making assumptions based on what the OP has said. He got a girl pregnant, moved away and never bothered to even tell his family he had a child, then when he was 18 signed his rights to that child away.
Sorry, this doesn't sound like a loving parent who made the decision that was best for the baby. It sounds like a kid who knocked someone up and didn't want and wasn't willing to take any responsibility. That makes him nothing more than a sperm donor IMO. YMMV.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I am making assumptions based on what the OP has said. He got a girl pregnant, moved away and never bothered to even tell his family he had a child, then when he was 18 signed his rights to that child away.
Sorry, this doesn't sound like a loving parent who made the decision that was best for the baby. It sounds like a kid who knocked someone up and didn't want and wasn't willing to take any responsibility. That makes him nothing more than a sperm donor IMO. YMMV.

That's a whole lot of assumptions.

It could just as easily have been that girl and boy are 'in love'. Get pregnant. (Happens all the time with teens.) Her parents flip out, threaten him and her, call of the relationship, tell him to get lost and stay lost and keep his mouth shut or else. Perhaps he's worried about his girlfriend, there still are plenty of abusive parents in this world. Perhaps he DOES try, and is rebuffed by her parents. Perhaps HIS parents are abusive, or very religious or conservative, or un-supportive and he's afraid to tell them. There is a very long continuum of grey here between 'perfect parent' and 'adandoning sperm donor'. He may not have had the emotional or financial support, or the education, intelligence or even the common sense to seek help from someone outside (an attorney, a father's right's group). And really, if her parents were telling him he'd not amount to anything and was unable to support this child, maybe he believed they were right. Maybe he WAS thinking in the child's best interest.

But now he wants to know that the child knows the truth. At the very least, I think this is a reasonable desire. Whether he has the 'right' to tell her himself, whether he's gone about it the right way, whether the grandparents have or have not already told the child, none of that matters really. Op asked if we'd want to know. That's it.

And really, virtually none of you in your vitriolic, judgey, holier than thou responses, have answered that!

 

[gwynne]

That's a whole lot of assumptions.

It could just as easily have been that girl and boy are 'in love'. Get pregnant. (Happens all the time with teens.) Her parents flip out, threaten him and her, call of the relationship, tell him to get lost and stay lost and keep his mouth shut or else. Perhaps he's worried about his girlfriend, there still are plenty of abusive parents in this world. Perhaps he DOES try, and is rebuffed by her parents. Perhaps HIS parents are abusive, or very religious or conservative, or un-supportive and he's afraid to tell them. There is a very long continuum of grey here between 'perfect parent' and 'adandoning sperm donor'. He may not have had the emotional or financial support, or the education, intelligence or even the common sense to seek help from someone outside (an attorney, a father's right's group). And really, if her parents were telling him he'd not amount to anything and was unable to support this child, maybe he believed they were right. Maybe he WAS thinking in the child's best interest.

But now he wants to know that the child knows the truth. At the very least, I think this is a reasonable desire. Whether he has the 'right' to tell her himself, whether he's gone about it the right way, whether the grandparents have or have not already told the child, none of that matters really. Op asked if we'd want to know. That's it.

And really, virtually none of you in your vitriolic, judgey, holier than thou responses, have answered that!

Do you really think that is a question that deserves a black and white answer? (It's in boldface in the quote.)

Pretty sure I've repeatedly recommended specialized counseling with someone who understands adoption issues.
Pretty sure I've repeatedly recommended he register with adoption registries.

There may or may not be a complicated back story, but this was only in the mid-90's.
Fast forward to now, most of us put the adult child first. Whether or not birthdad's desires are reasonable I'll leave up to expert counseling. Registries exist to provide a way for contact, should an adult adoptee wish to have contact. It's not all about the birth parent's wants and needs to have some sort of quick and immediate answers and contact.

And if there was some sort of awful back story, then that is more reason to have careful, expert counseling before even considering registering.

 

[MommyinHonduras]

I would want to know. Not sure how I would want to be told. Maybe in writing where the next step to actually meet or ask more questions was on my terms.

I know my parents was raised by my mom but dad was not around much.

I have 5 adopted kids. They all know. Some birth parents I know names of and they will have the option to look for. Others there is no known family. They are my kids and we are their parents. Every child should know where they come from when appropriate depending on circumstances.

I'm not against counseling but ir seems strange everyone thinks this is a problem. Biodad has waited til the child was an adult and able to make her own choices. He us not telling a child. She deserves to know and decide. If her parents never told her that is shame on them.

My father in law was adopted and never told. Had siblings show up on his door step when he was in his 30s. Biomom is 100% Choctaw and he was integrated with a white family under strange laws in the 50s. All papers sealed. She was 16 when he was taken and she had no way to find him. It was really hard on him but they were able to get to know each other. He still says it was better to know, just wished he was not raised without knowing. His adopted mom never handled it well. She was told both parents were dead and there were no other siblings. So she never saw the reason to talk about it. Always more to the story.

 

[Hikergirl]

That's a whole lot of assumptions.

It could just as easily have been that girl and boy are 'in love'. Get pregnant. (Happens all the time with teens.) Her parents flip out, threaten him and her, call of the relationship, tell him to get lost and stay lost and keep his mouth shut or else. Perhaps he's worried about his girlfriend, there still are plenty of abusive parents in this world. Perhaps he DOES try, and is rebuffed by her parents. Perhaps HIS parents are abusive, or very religious or conservative, or un-supportive and he's afraid to tell them. There is a very long continuum of grey here between 'perfect parent' and 'adandoning sperm donor'. He may not have had the emotional or financial support, or the education, intelligence or even the common sense to seek help from someone outside (an attorney, a father's right's group). And really, if her parents were telling him he'd not amount to anything and was unable to support this child, maybe he believed they were right. Maybe he WAS thinking in the child's best interest.

But now he wants to know that the child knows the truth. At the very least, I think this is a reasonable desire. Whether he has the 'right' to tell her himself, whether he's gone about it the right way, whether the grandparents have or have not already told the child, none of that matters really. Op asked if we'd want to know. That's it.

And really, virtually none of you in your vitriolic, judgey, holier than thou responses, have answered that!

I said I was making assumptions based on what the OP has said, and since she hasn't come back to add any details even close to what you suggest I will keep my opinion as is.
I know what its like to be a child abandoned by a bio parent, and I'm not talking about the traditional adoption where 2 parents decide they can't take care of their child and lovingly give them up to a family that can. I'm talking about where one bio parent doesn't want any responsibility in raising the child they created and they saddle that responsibility onto the other parent. A bio parent who is selfish and only thinking of themself. The way the OP describes the situaion is exactly that way IMO. And you are free to disagree, and you could do so without the holier than thou attitude you claim we have.

And FTR I disagree that him wanting the child to know the truth as being a reasonable desire. He gave up his rights to that child. He isn't her parent, he is nobody to her, his desires mean absolutely nothing to that family now. Again, you are free to disagree but save the attitude please.

 

[Hrhpd]

But now he wants to know that the child knows the truth. At the very least, I think this is a reasonable desire. Whether he has the 'right' to tell her himself, whether he's gone about it the right way, whether the grandparents have or have not already told the child, none of that matters really. Op asked if we'd want to know. That's it.

And really, virtually none of you in your vitriolic, judgey, holier than thou responses, have answered that!

No, he does not have the right to know whether the child knows he exists or not. No matter the circumstances of his signing his rights away, whether they were for the most loving, sacrificial reason or if he was just a deadbeat, he did sign those rights away. Unless it was legally agreed to in the adoption that she would be told about her father, he has no say in another person's family and what they decide to tell their daughter or not to tell her. We may all think it is a bad idea to not tell the daughter, but it is ultimately her family's decision. Big Al is not family.

And I suggest you reread all 23 pages because there have been many, many answers to the OP's question if they would want to know. It is running about 50/50 whether somebody would want to know or not. What if the young lady belongs in the 50% that does not want to know? Her parents would know her best, not some stranger from 20 years ago. It is not his place to tell her.

And her family does not owe him any information what so ever. He may desire the truth, but desire for the truth does not translate into entitled to the information.

 

[ReneeA]

I feel for the OP's DH. As the mom of a very, very immature 15 year old son who has big interest in girls, the thought of this terrifies me. Unless he has some dramatic maturing process in a year, he would have no idea how to deal with an issue like this. I can see a percentage of teenaged boys who would keep something like this a secret because they're scared or nervous, or just don't know how to process it.

Now, I think the adopted child in this instance does not need to have this foisted on her unexpectedly. I think I'd put my name on the registry and let it be, but I certainly can say that I can see how and why this is weighing on the OP's mind. He's an adult with a family now and knows what he's missed out on.

 

[Hrhpd]

Thanks. I believe he has decided to reach out to her adopted father (grandfather) first.

OP, let us know how the contact with the young lady's father went. Hope you get the resolution you are hoping for.

 

[aprilgail]

I said I was making assumptions based on what the OP has said, and since she hasn't come back to add any details even close to what you suggest I will keep my opinion as is.
I know what its like to be a child abandoned by a bio parent, and I'm not talking about the traditional adoption where 2 parents decide they can't take care of their child and lovingly give them up to a family that can. I'm talking about where one bio parent doesn't want any responsibility in raising the child they created and they saddle that responsibility onto the other parent. A bio parent who is selfish and only thinking of themself. The way the OP describes the situaion is exactly that way IMO. And you are free to disagree, and you could do so without the holier than thou attitude you claim we have.

And FTR I disagree that him wanting the child to know the truth as being a reasonable desire. He gave up his rights to that child. He isn't her parent, he is nobody to her, his desires mean absolutely nothing to that family now. Again, you are free to disagree but save the attitude please.

My bio father split on my bio mom as soon as she told him she was pregnant-they were both young but I am still searching trying to find this guy. I wish it was as easy as the guy looking for me and giving me the option to see him or not!

 

[Mkrop]

OP have you considered the psychological consequences to your DH if he does contact her and it doenst go well? She may be angry with him for not being there, she may be mad that he disrupted her life now, they may meet and it be all kinds of awkward and no one bonds...or it could be the fairytale you are hoping for and she starts attending family functions and bonding with Al and the kids? But is he mentally prepared for this not to go well? He needs to be in a good state of mind for his other kiddos and you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm not against counseling but ir seems strange everyone thinks this is a problem. Biodad has waited til the child was an adult and able to make her own choices. He us not telling a child. She deserves to know and decide. If her parents never told her that is shame on them.

I think it seems fairly obvious by some of the tone and the statements from the OP that these issues, and how the OP's husband has been handling them, ARE a problem.

I also have to very much disagree with 'waited til the child was an adult' part.
His first attempt at contact was when she was still a young and therefore very vulnerable child.
And, even as an adult, SHE should be the one to make that decision to initiate contact. Not him.
If he just out of the blue contacts them, then that is taking that choice away from her.

OP is not sure that the kid even knows the truth.
But, very simply, that is not excuse, and gives him no entitlement or rights.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But now he wants to know that the child knows the truth. At the very least, I think this is a reasonable desire. Whether he has the 'right' to tell her himself, whether he's gone about it the right way, whether the grandparents have or have not already told the child, none of that matters really. Op asked if we'd want to know. That's it.

And really, virtually none of you in your vitriolic, judgey, holier than thou responses, have answered that!

No, no, and no.....

Many here have answered that question in the Title from the OP.
I answered that question by saying... Doesn't matter... the only thing that matters is if the kid wants to know. Her decision, and her decision only.

Secondly, there is FAR more mentioned here by the OP.
There is a lot more than any desire to know that the child knows the 'truth'.
There is an over-riding desire for the OP to 'be a part of her life'.
(Because he is a great person and she could only benefit......)

Sure, that might be a reasonable desire.
A desire does not equal a 'right'.
People have many desires that it is just not appropriate, at all, to act upon.

 

[rmsept81]

As an adoptive Mom and a friend to several adult adoptees, I would say adoption and the definition of "family" are really complicated.

I have a friend who's reunion with her birth family was forced upon her and it devastated her. She wasn't ready to meet them, and was very disappointed in their behavior post reunion because they failed to see the complexity of the situation or give her the space she needed to come to terms with information she learned. Similarly , I had a co-worker who found out on his mother's deathbed that his father wasn't biologically related to him.

I would recommend seeking out a professional to prepare your family for future contact, including the possibility of rejection from the daughter. A lot of adoptees struggle with feelings of being left, less than, not good enough, even into adulthood. Even at age 20, you are still forming your world view and leaning into your parents for support. There are adoption advocates and reunion agencies. At the very least, read up on adoption from the perspective of adoptees.

While, I agree that adoption shouldn't be a deep dark secret, but rather part of someone's story, It isn't up to me to decide that for someone else's child. Upon adoption, that child became someone else's child.

 

[Dread Pirate]

I believe when he signed away his rights he had NO idea they would push him out and completely exclude him.

If he did not realize that adoption meant he was no longer related to the child, he wasn't too smart and did not read what he signed. This person is not his daughter.

 

[Dread Pirate]

When asked on the spot of my health history, off the top of my head I always started to list the health history of my mom and dad, and then I would remember I am adopted, lol. My mom did the same thing when I was younger.

My cousin does this a lot. Diabetes runs in my dad (her mom)'s family. My cousin developed diabetes as a young adult, and we were talking about how each one of us tests our blood just to keep an eye on it, because of the family history. Of course, that genetic family history didn't affect her at all because her mom did not give birth to her. She's the youngest of 6 kids. Her dad didn't have to adopt her, because he was the biological father. My aunt loved Jenny just as much as she loved any of her other children, regardless of the circumstances that lead to her birth.

My aunt did make my uncle find a new secretary after my cousin was born... Jenny knows who her bio mother is, but has never cared to make contact We've talked about it, and she says she knows who her mom is. In our family, there has never been any doubt that Jenny is full fledged family. She's our cousin, niece, daughter, aunt, sister, not our ADOPTED cousin, niece, daughter, aunt, sister. She's just ours.

 

[mummabear]

My cousin does this a lot. Diabetes runs in my dad (her mom)'s family. My cousin developed diabetes as a young adult, and we were talking about how each one of us tests our blood just to keep an eye on it, because of the family history. Of course, that genetic family history didn't affect her at all because her mom did not give birth to her. She's the youngest of 6 kids. Her dad didn't have to adopt her, because he was the biological father. My aunt loved Jenny just as much as she loved any of her other children, regardless of the circumstances that lead to her birth.

My aunt did make my uncle find a new secretary after my cousin was born... Jenny knows who her bio mother is, but has never cared to make contact We've talked about it, and she says she knows who her mom is. In our family, there has never been any doubt that Jenny is full fledged family. She's our cousin, niece, daughter, aunt, sister, not our ADOPTED cousin, niece, daughter, aunt, sister. She's just ours.

Your Aunt sounds like an amazing (forgiving, welcoming and loving) woman

 

[wonder whisper]

He's tried to contact the family through FB. They responded by deleting everything. You know if they would have said "Hey she knows nothing about you and she's happy and we'd like to keep it that way" it would have been nice. It all seems really twisted now.

The adoptive parents are sending him a simple, clear message by deleting their FB profile. Nothing "twisted" or strange about it at all.

 

[wonder whisper]

OP, let us know how the contact with the young lady's father went. Hope you get the resolution you are hoping for.

Something tells me that if the OP doesn't return with an update on this, it either failed or backfired.

 

[Kae]

Ok. I haven't read the whole thread-so this might have been covered. There are sites that your husband can put his info on and see if the Child reaches out to him. My friend just found her bio dad thru ancestry.com.
She was given a kit for Christmas she really has been wondering her ethnicity just curious. Well, it has been a crazy ride. They have met and things are going well. Her Bio dad did not know about her. He told her the 60's were a crazy time-we now know where her sense of humor came from. She has also met 2 sisters & a brother. Has had no contact with Bio Mom did send a letter but has not heard back.